You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
We were in a hospital at the time :)
My mother has repeated this story many times throughout the years, but recently there has been added a twist: "Elie and I survived 9/11. It was really scary!"
Not necessarily funny, but just goes to show you where their minds are :)
Are you friggin kidding me?
There it is - size 32. He's 34. I was so angry. So many times I've hurt my back trying to pull up this pants because it would suddenly stop short of not going up to his waist. I decided to change his pants.
As I was pulling off the pants from his feet, he grunted in pain, and said, "Ouch! My knee hurts!" I was puzzled because the pants was already past his knees so it couldn't be the knee hurting. So, I reached over, wrapped my hand around his right knee and asked, "This knee hurts?" He said yes. I then grabbed his left knee and asked, "This knee hurts?" He said yes.
I asked, "Which one hurts?" He then kicked his ankle on the bed board. I then grabbed his ankle and asked if this hurts? He said yes. I exclaimed, "That's not a knee. That's an ankle." He replied, "Knee, ankle, whatever. They're all the same!"
So, now that we figured his ankle hurts, I was putting on his shoes. He said, "Ouch! My toes hurt!" So, I grabbed his toes, squeezed it, and asked, "Does this hurt." He said yeah, yeah, that hurts. I started massaging his toes, and then down to the bottom of his feet. He was enjoying it so much, he said, "That is good to do when my toes are hurting."
Then he said "well that means I cant go swimming anymore". It took me a minute to even GET it... :)
He struggles to pick up the phone and I've just noticed that he cannot remember where the speaker button is. I wait while he struggles to find it. He finds it, and booms out loud, "Hello? Hello?"
And the lady starts her spiel about the survey. In the meantime, because he cannot hear her (doesn't think he needs hearing aid), he keeps booming out into the phone, "Hello? Hello?" and because he cannot hear her, he thinks the speaker is not working. So, while she's trying to repeat her beginning spiel, and dad's hello, I keep hearing all these clicking sound (dad pressing the speak button repeatedly.)
Finally, I felt bad for both of them. I told the lady (over dad's "hello?") that he's beginning to be senile and doesn't really understand. If she asks me the question, I can relay it to him so that he understands. In the meantime, Dad's 'hellos' in the background is getting louder.
The lady said, "No, it's okay. Shall I put a note here that your father cannot respond?" I said, yes, please. Now that is one way to cut short a lengthy questionnaire survey.
After I hung up, I had to explain to dad in several different ways what the lady wanted. When I was done, he told me to never give information over the phone. If they want information, they need to come here in person. He concluded, "They are communists trying to get information!"
So, I came in from work tired and complaining about the traffic. The first thing he said is, "How are you doing, girl?"
I paused and looked at him. I soooo badly wanted to shoot that question back to him. Would he get mad at me? Oh, h*ll, go for it!
I replied, "How are you doing, Boy?"
He said, "What?!"
Sigh...I started it, I might as well carry it through, being Disrespectful for also calling him Boy. I replied, "How are you doing, BOY?"
He stared at me,and then started laughing so hard. Yeah! Back atcha, dad!!!
I needed to know the status because I work today. Radio announcement said as long as we're in condition 1, we must stay off the road. Even though there's no rain or wind outside. Fave sis just text me that we're going to leave condition 1 at 8 am.
Dad has always been afraid of typhoons (we've had several super ones hit island and totally devastated it for months with no power, etc...) I told him that it's passed and we're going back to normal status.
He replied with confidence, "I prayed to God all night. I prayed and prayed. Just like the last time. It passed us."
Just in case God is hearing his prayers all these years, I patted Dad's shoulder and said, "You did good."
She continued to look concerned and said she'd just wanted to make sure it was okay with the mess officer.
Side note: No, this isn't the Army. She lives in my home. Just wanted to clear that up. :-)
I just got home, had my dinner. Time for dessert. I told him that I was going to have ice cream, did he want one also? He said, "That sounds good! Very good! Just one tablespoon. To make it last longer. Okay? Just one tablespoon."
Now I felt soooo bad that he thinks he has to eat only 1 tablespoon so that the ice cream would last. ... Until I opened the carton. Wow... someone ate a Lot since lastnight!
I said, "No. But they have said that I'm pretty." And I made a face with that remark.
Dad, "Pretty? People said you're pretty? Pretty?"
Well... after so many times of that, I started to believe that my own father doesn't think I'm pretty.
He said very firmly, "You're sharp!" =)
I said Oh wow! Did you talk to Jesus?
"Yes"
What did he say to you?
"He said come back later, we are not ready for you now"
I don't know why she swallowed a fly,
Perhaps she'll die....a favorite children's story....so funny and I can't wait to share it with my grandkids. Keep enjoying your mother!!
When we left the table, she went immediately into a rest room. After several minutes, I let her know I was right there if she needed me, she said she was almost done. More minutes pass, and I again let her know I was there for her. After many minutes and a third time of her answering that she was almost done, my father motioned for me to go in. Mom had taken off her Depends and had put her pants back on inside out and backwards, so I entered the room and closed the door behind me.
Her mood had changed quite a bit, because she was able to tell me what had bothered her earlier. She said, "I had something in my head and everyone kept talking, so I couldn't say it. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I think about something over and over again." When I asked her what it was, she said, "There was an old woman who swallowed a fly..." We both couldn't stop laughing and my husband asked if we were having a party in there.
"Maybe she had a bad Habit" God help us all get past the craziness!