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My Aunt has short term memory loss. She fell and I asked her if she was alright, and she said, no, I knocked my brains out.
Then later, she told me she'd lost her marbles, and if I found them, I was to give them back.
(9)
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This isn't quite on-topic as it's something she did not said, but I have to tell someone.

Yesterday, I took Mom for what is called a Light Field test. The test subject stares at a fixed spot and lights flash all around the peripheral area. The subject is supposed to click a button each time they see a light flash. But Mom couldn't wait and started clicking like a wild maniac. Here's the exchange between her and the tech doing the test.

Mom: (clickity clickity clickity clickity clickity ...)
Tech: You don't have to click until the test starts.
(Mom stops clicking)
(tech adjusts the headrest)
Mom: (clickity clickity clickity clickity clickity ...)
Tech: No, not yet.
(Mom stops clicking)
(tech adjusts the light)
Mom: (clickity clickity clickity clickity clickity ...)
Tech: No, not yet.
(Mom stops clicking)
(tech does something else)
Mom: (clickity clickity clickity clickity clickity ...)

You get the idea. It was hysterical. I'm glad it was dark in there because I couldn't keep a straight face. A couple times, I did the old cough-to-hide-the-laugh-thing. I can't believe I held it together through that. It was the funniest thing I've seen in ages -- it could have been a comedy skit.
(10)
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This morning Mom said " Wow, that Airplane sounds close!"
I responded......'It IS close, It's the DISHWASHER!"
(12)
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That is too funny BoniChak!
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Yes this really made me laugh I have been going through a rough time!!! Thank you all so much!!
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I bought 3 big concrete or cement seagulls at an estate sale. These are the kind you can hang on a house. My mother saw them lying on the floor of her garage and asked, "They weren't alive at one point, were they?"
(10)
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Mom and I were asked to sign a Birthday card to another lady living in my parent's retirement home. After signing it, I asked my mother if she would also like to sign it. When she finished, I took it to hand it back to the lady and noticed that my mother signed it, "Love, Grandma Doty."
(8)
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I didn't find it funny, but yesterday I dressed up in a nice skirt and blouse, for my mom's birthday party. I am normally in jeans. I was happy to be looking nice. Mother said " what are you dressed up tp represent?". She is 95.
(6)
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We were working on the Physician's Directive. Mom said, "I don't want to be on life support or resuscitated, but I wish they'd try just one more time."
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I'm doing the last pamper change for the day, since it's bedtime. I knew it was going to be yucky because the "aroma" was wafting in the air. As I untaped the pamper, slowly picked up the top half of the pamper to peek inside. It was as bad as I thought.

Father was also looking down. He said, "Ew! Is that poop! It stinks!"
I replied, "Yep, it sure does!!!"
(8)
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A few weeks ago, my mother in law pressed the call button in the middle of the night. Hubby and I jumped out of bed and went to see what was needed. I had shortie PJs on, and no bra due to rushing downstairs and forgot to grab my robe. My father-in-law had started wandering in the middle of the night, and was sitting at the table in the dark. It startled me to see him there, and as I passed by him, he said, "don't worry, I'm not going to grab you or anything". I said, "I know you aren't". Then he said, "I probably wouldn't know what to do with that much, anyway." My MIL has always worn a 32-34A bra, and literally has nothing up top. My husband and I cracked up, and I reminded him to stop me if I ever went downstairs without a bra again! I have also taken to sleeping in a comfort bra!

Another one is that my father-in-law asked my husband last night if he was his husband!
(6)
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My dad called saying he couldn't walk ; he couldn't even put weight on his legs. His legs wouldn't move. I said punch your nurse button (he's in ALF). He said he had and nobody came. I said "where are you now?" he said still in bed, he couldn't get up. When I got to his door, it was open and he was fully clothed in his chair. I said oh, so you better? He said "well, they worked for a few minutes but now they dont work again". I told him the story about hiney-penny and the sky falling.....Okay so it wasn't so funny. but you gotta try to see the humor or you could go crazy.....
(1)
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I said to mom the other day. Mom, you have lost your marbles. She said, I can get some new ones. I just smiled!
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Her sense of smell has gone and she's incontinent. She hates taking a shower because she feels cold in the bathroom, and it usually takes something like an upcoming doctor's appointment or errand to get her to bathe.

Just now, I smiled at her and said, "Say, why don't you take a bath, today? Tomorrow I'll be doing the laundry and I can wash absolutely all your clothes so you'll have a fresh start. Also, we were going out to breakfast, this weekend, and you'd be all fresh for that, too." I not only smiled, but said it in the most cheerful voice I could, as if it were a great idea!! :-)

She smiled a little smile and said, "Well, I didn't think about that. I guess I'll go do that in a minutes."

A minute goes by and she looks and me. I can see that the light bulb just turned on and she says to me, "I lost my opportunity to argue my case against it, didn't I?"

We both chuckled a little and she gave in gracefully on her defeat and went to take her bath.

Maybe not all that funny, but I think it's kind of cute.
(8)
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Mom was struggling to capture her olives and grapes by either stabbing them , or scooping them up with a fork. Finally, I said, "Just use your fingers." She replied cheerfully, "My fingers are busy doing other things."
(6)
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One of my mother's shoes was chewed up by her cat, so my dad asked me to get her another pair just like them. When I inquired as to what size they were, he asked my mother to lift her foot. He took off her shoe and proceeded to read the size. When he was finished, and had replaced the shoe, my mother told him, "You only got it half right. You forgot (to check the size of ) the other shoe."
(6)
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The last time I took my mom to the doctor's office we were waiting for her doctor to come in the room. We had been waiting for a while. Finally, mom says, "if I knew we would be here so long I would have brought another pair of underwear."
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It's time to change dad's pampers. He has gained weight since he became bedridden 2 years ago. I only weigh 100 lbs, he weighs about 180 lbs. He usually gravitates to the edge of the bed. So when it's time to change his pampers, I need him to be in the middle of the bed so that he can turn left and right as I clean him.

So, I go to the other end to pull the large waterproof bedpad to me. He leans forward to pull himself at the same time towards me. 1, 2, 3! I pulled hard, he tried to pull himself to the railing. I ended up doing the most pulling. And hurt my back.

I told him that he needs to help me because he's too heavy for me.
He looks in me in the eyes and said in a very serious voice, "Next time, we put roller skates under my back."
(6)
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Our Mom has become to weak to walk so it can be an adventure trying to move her. The other night while getting her out of bed she bit the crap out of my sister's arm. I yelled Mom why did you bite her? Mom's reply....It wasn't me. It was the dog.
(5)
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New York is talking about charging us for Grocery bags now. It wasn't my Mom, but a friends Mom that said to him....." Who's laughing about the 10 thousand bags under the sink now????"
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Disclaimer: I apologise in advance if the following offends anyone. My mom was in the Emergency Room the Saturday before Palm Sunday with a high impaction in her bowels. She was given an "enema bomb" (the name says it all). She asked the nurse was she sure my mom had gone. The nurse (knowing mom is a retired nurse) held up a solid piece of stool for mom and mom says "Gee that gives a new meaning to the phrase Holy Shit." #nursinghumor
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My Mom's diet is not the best. Right now she is hooked on Devil Dogs. When she wants one she says "I'll have one of those things and then makes an obscene gesture!
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Not one about my aging parent, but my SIL's mom, who is in her 80's, and still very active and mobile, despite multiple surgeries on her feet. (The difference between her and my own mom is like night and day, physcially, at least.)

Apparently, while at breakfast with my SIL and her sons this morning, the boys were acting up and picking on each other, like brothers will do. SIL's mom ( who *never* swears) got tired of it, and said, "Well, that's why your mom's such a b****, look how you two act!!" - and then, while everyone's jaws were hanging, she immediately backpedalled and tried to explain that she didn't mean that the way it sounded....LOL
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@Susan...Oh Yes She Did. Love this thread.
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For some reason the link to this thread shows up next to the "Anyone taking meds?" one. Yup, makes perfect sense.
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Father would lament, "God, kill me! Why make me suffer?" (He had a mild stroke and is now bedridden.) Or he would say, "I keep praying to God to kill me, 6 times." Now, he says all this, but he takes all these herbals for his heart, prostate, hearing, vision, etc... If he wants to die, why is he taking all these supplements to extend his life?

So, as I just taped up his pampers, he would grab the hanging trapeze and lift himself up while I pull his slacks up to his waist. Sometimes we take turns counting up to 3, or we say it at the same time.

Together, we said, "1, 2, 3!" As I pulled up his slacks, he continued counting, "4, 5 - glad to be alive!"
(8)
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Mom is so stubborn at times. This morning I had told her it was time to change and that her clothes were on her bed, I'd help if needed (always) she get's up insisting she isn't that stupid she can't put her own clothes on, take a wrong turn, heads to the closet by the front door....opens it and stares inside moving the coats around, then asks "what did I do with her bedroom"? hehe... I couldn't help but laugh till tears streamed down my face. She hasn't spoke to me all day :D
(12)
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Jeanette, yes, what did You do to her bedroom? I laughed aloud on that one. I was trying to guess what she was going to do when she saw the clothes in the closet. I just wasn't expecting That accusation.
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Oh my gosh, Jeanette - that one gave me such a laugh! Thanks for sharing!
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My Mom just poured her coffee into her Easter flower Gerbera because "it looked like a little wilted and the coffee would perk it up"!
(9)
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