You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
She always kept a calendar with regard to that sort of thing or so I thought - then much much later when I emntioned it to her (she was about 58 at the time I saw my dad smile and roll his eyes.
Later he said to me thats 'our' day - me and your mum - now that did make me blush.
Her and dad had very different views - she told me I would have to put up with sex or the man would go elsewhere (dad did from time to time) but dad said anywhere was fine even the kitchen table! (that explained why he went astray periodically).
My mother wont use terms for any part of her body that in the normal scheme of things wouldnt be on show so basically anything a bathing costume covers. That makes it really difficult when we go to the doctors about anything in that regard. I have tried to get her to understand the terms ie anus vagina groin breasts nipple.
Example So XXXX where do you have pain.....down there ...can you tell me where XXXX i just said down there. Can you point to the pain? Sorry doctor (said with the deepest sarcasm) dont you know where down there is? The doctor and I have this sorted now - fortunately both of us know how to sign the letters of the alphabet it can be a godsend! I just sign the letter a or v and she at least has a clue where she is looking!
Mom: What is this?
Me: Poison, Mom
Mom: Gee, love you too.
One day my mom was trying to console my Aunt who was very upset about her increasing bouts of Dementia
My Aunt : I am so embrassed my mind is going
She was crying and repeating "I want to just die"
My mom "Honey we are old nobdy pays any mind to us While just the other day I was at my friends 60 th anniversary party.My friend pinned a flower on me. I said to her Did I win a prize why the flower? My friend said because you were my maid of honor you ass"
My Aunt swiped her tears,looked Mom in the face
.serious as could be
Aunt:": Umh, Ass I will remember to call you that from now on!"
We all laughed til we cried happy tears
I play a Glenn Miller CD in the car whenever we go anywhere and one of the songs that began to play.... my Mom got so EXCITED..she screamed : "Sentimental Noodle"!!!! (for the Sentimental Journey song....)
We got to hang on to the good
Doctor and why did you do this
Well I dont want to live with Alzheimers - anyone would think you think thats wrong
Well as a doctor there is a lot we can do to help
Can you get rid of alzheimers?
Well no but...
Well if you cant get rid of it why cant I die?
Well you need to think of your family
If I had family I would be in Switzerland at Dignitas. I am neither foolish nor insane young man. I have lived a grand life and done many things you will never do. I have walked among princes and dined among emperors and I will not be told by some young whippersnapper of a doctor when I can die. Good grief its actually preposterous that you think I am insane andbefore you start I do not have depression - that is for mamby pambys - I was a full time nanny for some of the richest people in theworld not a mamby pamby.
Well I was sat in the next cubicle hooting with laughter tinged with sorrow- for this woman really felt her useful life was over and she would just like to choose with dignity her method of departure from this world. All I can say is I hope someone upstairs hears her prayer and guides her with dignity to a quick closure.
In the past few weeks he has developed a voracious appetite for salad. Tonight when all the salad was gone from his bowl he stood up and grabbed the salad tongs and started eating right from the big salad bowl. He wouldn't even sit down he just stood there with the tongs eating one mouthful after another until the whole bowl was empty. When my Mom asked him if he would rather use a fork he just looked at her like she was nuts. I almost peed myself trying not to bust out laughing!
Sheesh I don't even feed my dogs canned muck.
Hi Mum hows you
What do you care you never visit
I was there yesterday Mum do you remember - in the morning and the afternoon and then again in the evening - and the day before I stayed there all day with you?
Yes but you give up easily just as well xxxx (my dughter) comes or Id have noone
Well they wont let me come in mum because I might make you ill again
I havent been THAT ill
SILENCE(now clearly Mum is lucid and knows where she is)
Okaaay Mum so how are you
Well Im fine but the wedding was dreadful. They got married in a FIELDS. There were women is silly orange hats (hmm that could be the picture of orange freesias in her room) they wouldnt let me have cake and I cant get your Dad out fo the bar thats why I need you for goodness sake.....(OK perhaps not quite so lucid Dads been dead 18 years and Mums in an acute medical ward)
Everyday I must wash his feet and apply medication
Today when I was washing his feet
I said"Gee Dad I guess I am like Jesus washing feet"
Dad replied "Bring me my hammer nails and the wood out of the Garage I will tend to you Jesus at noon"
Mom sends Dad up to the lunch counter to get food...by himself (walker, balance issues, dementia...again letting go, letting gooo...) Apparently last Sunday when he got to the counter he pulled his pants down (Depends stayed put thank goodness). The gal at the counter said J! You can't do that here! Dad just glared at her and stuttered "I'm looking for my money!" "My wife put it in here"
Saturday, we grilled steaks as a little treat to celebrate the good weather finally arriving. Mom was halfway through eating her steak and seemed uncomfortable. Finally, we realized that she had to go to the bathroom. We assured her that she should go and that we probably wouldn't eat her steak on her. ;-)
We had a hard time convincing her and, at one point, she looked at me and said, "I trust you with my money, but I don't trust you with my steak!"