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Mq,
that is excellent advice! I do something like that myself and it does work. You do have to do it many times before they get it and sometimes they forget so you have to remind them. What you wrote clarifies it in simple terms. Sounds like that book is very good. I might have to get it. I sent your information to some other ladies here. They are under a different category. Thanks so much.

Cindi
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i am another frustrated daughter! my mom is driving me nuts and i can not do anything about it. I am THE only caregiver, and i am jealous of those of you who can afford 24/7 care. just put yourself in my and cindi's shoes for a while, and you wouldnt care if the caregiver spoke urdu, as long as you didnt have to take care of them yourself.
Donna
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I have been a caregiver all my life, honestly. I love my family..... however I truly would not let someone even my Father and Mother talk mean and unkind to me. People only do to us what we let them. Long ago when I was caring for my Grandfather (who I always called Poppa) he became upset grabbed my arm and was twisting it. I was so hurt emotionally and even physically somewhat that I just looked at him and said Poppa you are hurting me. He came back to himself and felt badly that he had hurt me. I would encourage you to speak up for yourself and tell them you are trying to help them. I am sure without question they do not want so called strangers from some homecare agency taking care of them... Maybe you need to find someone from your church or their church or even a neighbor who would come for a short time. Look for a respite center or a in home respite care worker. Check to see if you have an Area Agency on Aging in your community they are good resources of information. Then go and get your hair done, read a book, watch a movie, take a nap or anything that you would enjoy doing for you.... take care and God Bless J.
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well mqflowers that info sure helped thanks!

nana
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well mqflowers I was getting paid and quit for a while cause I was burned out and overwhelmed. Then I told the company I worked through to hire me back on as a backup only for them and the other client that is in my area. I couldn't handle being their primary caregivers it just about sent me to the loony bin. I have a few issues with depression and years ago was on medication. I had to go back on my meds for a while now I am off and doing much better. I finally told them both that they had to do for theirselves and if they got nasty with me and nitpicked with me about their care, i was going to walk out on them. i meant it too, sick or not noone has the right to treat me with such disdain and scream at me like that, I may be made out of dirt but I am not their carpet to walk on. I did everything they ever asked and I think i created some monsters but those monster are being brought back to being human slowly. nana
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also mqflowers I told my friend Terry she took advantage of me she wants me to do everything saying she is too sick to do it herself, I know better, I see what she does, if she wants to go somewhere she gets in her car and goes! She purposely thinks of things to do to get me to be around 24/7. I told her, i also have to take care of my own health and my son, being a single parent and all. I think she gets lonely being by herself and all. Her family are all old and her brother lives far away. he doesn't have much use for her. I talk to her everyday and spend time with her when I can, I do like her and am her friend, but she makes it known and tries to manipulate me to being around 24/7 which is smothering me. I feel as if she wants me to be her spouse! Yuck! She once was in a gay relationship and still acts that way, I told her I am not that way, says she isn't that way either, but she sometimes gives me the creeps. I take her to church with me, but make her drive sunday mornings. I drive at night cause she has cataracts small ones. Says she can't drive at night. Thanks for the encouragement I definitely needed it. That book you guys have been talking about, I got to get it. Lots of info I ready today that really helped. Thanks mg and cindy

nana
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No one should be made to feel like dirt!!!! that is just uncalled for and VERY unfair... Perhaps it is time to remind them that there are nursing homes that they could go to if they are that unhappy at home....I don't know that it is always appropriate to as it were threaten someone, however it does not seem to me that your being treated appropriately either.... just my two cents worth(perhaps not worth that)... take care J
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thanks jaleyn I had to get alot off my chest I will pray for you too. I think I did the right thing did you read all three of my comments? I tell you it took alot to do it. I have always been a softie at heart, thought maybe I had to do everything they ever wanted but it made me crazy! Much better now, though. Thanks for commenting to me. nana
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Your are very welcome.... I hope you didn't think I was being to harsh but lets get real... sometimes we just have to stand up for ourselves. My Dad had a heart attack oh probably 11 yrs ago... My sister from Seattle, who never comes home (we live in Iowa) was trying to tell me what to do. I was like HELL-O I am here taking care of both our parents don't you dare presume to tell me what to do. take care Nana God Bless, J.
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Jaleyn I reminded them both that nursing homes are for those who can no longer do for themselves. I told them both that. I told them I was a home health aide mean't to assist them with whatever they needed me to assist them with, not their own personal slave to order around and be disrespected. You were not harsh at all! I agree with you, with what you said. The aide service out there is meant to assist and encourage those in their homes to help themselves as much as possible, but they abuse it. I will no longer be abused by them or anyone, that may seem harsh but I believe it is for their own good, if they don't hear the truth how can they ever have any quality of their life? How can they ever have any independence instead of dependence? It is hard to get someone out of that rut of dependence, when they have been taken care of when they are sick and get better, which they have and are stable. I am doing it for their own good, else they might as well just curl up and die, that sounds harsh, but if they are ever to have any self respect or respect for anyone else how could I not tell them that?
nana
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I agree with you Nana, It is like when you are raising your children, sometimes it is easier to do it for them but that teaches them nothing. I had a little Grandma from Scotland and she always said, Lassie why keep a dog and bark yourself... kinda funny but wise... NO NO I do not think you were harsh... We have to care for ourselves too...take care nana , J
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Jaleyn I liked the comment about the dog! Funny but true! You don't seem to have the help you need, taking care of your parents, how awful not to have your sibling to help! They just don't understand what it is like until they get in it themselves! I feel for you. My prayers are with you, I pray you get the support you need too. I am glad I found this site I sure needed some refreshing words and a little backup myself, I guess I needed to be reafirmed that what I said and was doing was right. God knows I try hard to please God, sometimes though we need reinforcement from outsiders out there who go through the same things. Many blessings your way glad to have talked to you today, maybe we will talk again.
Signing off, nana from Ohio
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Thank you Nana for your kind words... I am okay hon really, my husband is wonderful and I have a son at home who is very helpful too... He is 19 and in college and a really great kid , if I do say so myself... The Lord knows what we stand in need of and I think he put us here to care for one another... take care it was a joy to chat with you... J
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Jaleyn My son is 14 and he can be very helpful around the house. I am thankful that he helps when I ask Him. Yes, God put us here to care for one another, I just feel strained sometimes, with my health problems and all, I can't work as much as I would like to, it is very frustrating being 40 and laden with health problems, I want to so much help others and when I can't I am angry with myself and get frustrated easily with those I care for when they become very demanding. I am glad you have a good support system at home. God Bless Nana
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Hi Nana I am confused about time. I was glad to hear from you again... Kids are wonderful. We actually have 5 now 3 who I gave birth to and two that we were given to us by our sons. Our oldest two boys 30 and almost 28 are married and so we have beautiful and wonderful daughters in love. I am happy to have them and know that the boys are happy. God is good to us even when we don't deserve it. I hope things are well for you I have had a busy but productive day. I actually even baked some cookies, I love to bake. The summer before my husband and I were married I baked at a bible camp in northern Minnesota. take care Nana your friend in Iowa J
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Any leads on respite care. My mom has been caring for my dad for nearly 20 years after a devistating stroke. I have looked EVERYWHERE for respite care - just for her to have a night off would cost $100 - Her only option is me and time away from my family. I guess that is what family is about but sometimes I look at my friends and what they complain about - they have no idea. . .
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Hi howardroark I am not sure if your question was directed at me however I will jump it... and give you my words of wisdom, HA HA!!! Actually I have considerable experience with respite care. It is a very real part of what I do. I would encourage you to contact the Area Agency on Aging where you live. They can be a valuable resource for you. They can help you find services in your area or may even have folks to help you. My heart goes out to your Mom, please believe me when I tell you this if I were close by I would help her. Is there a home health care agency in your community either private or through the hospital??? If so they may know of someone who is able to do respite with your Father for your Mother. The average caregiver works over 110 hrs a week and my guess would be that your Mother is not a young lady, right??? Another thought is try some of the local nursing homes they will often do even overnight respite. I am sure that may not be everyones first choice but it can be a helpful solution. We have some really nice nursing homes in our area that do this. The respite program I am the director of is for folks with Alzheimer's disease. I do wish you well and pray that God will bless your efforts... I will say a prayer for you folks.. take care J
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