Not really a question, more of a rant. But any thoughts and suggestions are appreciated!!
So FIL who was widowed a year ago April is in AL with dementia, He is miserable, refuses to socialize, thinks he doesn't belong there , refused care, yada yada. Finally is showering 1-2 times most weeks, last couple of months with or without help depending on his mood, but still does not change his pullup often enough and refuses toileting schedule.
This past month has expressed that he knows he is declining. He has been in the hospital 4 times since December with acute on top of chronic respiratory failure. This time he is also in CHF.
The man despises rehab and PT. The last time was this past April. And he did improve , but has been declining again .
Last night he said he does not want anything done , he is too tired. In my head I agreed that he is probably too weak for rehab and was thinking of palliative care in SNF.
Went to see him this morning and FIL was back to "denial" about his condition. He said the doctor said he needs to get stronger. FIL thinks that means he just needs a few more days before he goes back to AL. FIL just wants out of the hospital. He did seem better today, but I doubt he can go back to AL before going to rehab. I also think its questionable that he would do well enough to return to AL at all.
It is so exhausting for all (Including FIL), this back and forth every other month with the same chronic problems. At some point DH who is POA will have to make the call as to how much is done and when to just let FIL rest.
But when that is , is a tough decision again. It was much easier when he was doing more poorly and FIL himself saying not to do procedures etc. FIL is a DNR, which he is still adamant about.
Modern medicine keeps bringing him back from going over that edge, where we would all say for sure let the man rest. It seems so cruel to put this man through rehab again and again , just putting off the inevitable.
It gets complicated as well since FIL has some lucid moments. It would be much easier for DH to say "Stop , let him rest." if FIL was less verbal or less able to make wishes known. But his wishes are often unrealistic as he is not always aware of how ill he is. Last time FIL was very against rehab, but did it to avoid SNF. I doubt he remembers that he wasn't allowed to go back to AL if he didn't do rehab. We may be headed for the same ugly scenario , as he thinks he can go where he wants" so long as he pays the rent".
So now what? how many times does this happen until DH decides that FIL should just rest in palliative care in SNF no matter what he says? Maybe FIL won't be well enough to get back to AL, we will see.
I know that, but it would be fun to meet up for something totally unrelated to caregiving! Sorry about my comment. I’m not making light of yours or Way’s situation.
I guess that I can say things related to non caregiving more easily because my parents are deceased.
I feel for y’all. I really do!
come with us . It has happy hour along with Bingo , and trivia with Drinks and chicken wings !
The prizes are burnts senior brat dolls .
LOL 😂
Count me out on that! I reached my threshold of pain in caregiving long ago! Don’t need to watch a movie. Unfortunately, I lived it!
Wait a minute! Way just sweetened the deal! Happy hour sounds great! I will even buy the first round! Oooooh, and appetizers too! 😊
:)
Hey Way and Need, thanks. It’s the first time today I’m laughing.
Need, about having lived it:
Yeah, we could be IN the movie. One of us could direct. Roll Camera Action! We don’t even need to act. Our caregiving experiences ARE the movie.
I know that it’s frustrating to be caught up in a loop. The never ending cycle…
Like Mid , not my monkey not my circus . It’s not my parent .
I’m going to have to try to turn off the nurse in me that is upset about what I think is disgusting neglect . I tried .
Unlike Mid’s MiL , my FIL is in a facility . I didn’t expect him to be sitting in filth but he is .
Mid and her family still have it worse .
There’s a reality show in this somewhere! 😆
May I be in it? I can be the person who was the totally lost soul! I’m finally free and cheering the others on by saying, “Please, don’t make the same mistakes that I did!!!”
“The never-ending cycle”
starring:
Everyone on the forum
It starts with all of us eating chicken wings (BEFORE caregiving). We have no idea what’s about to hit us.
Thanks, we already know that we would have a lot of people who could relate to us!
My therapist has to play a part too! LOL 😆
We were buying our very first brand new car. My husband had a figure in his head that he was not going to go over.
The salesman kept trying to up sell him. My husband can’t be sold. He buys when he is satisfied. He always says that it’s never a good deal unless both parties are happy.
My husband is Mr. Chill, a very even keeled man.
Finally my husband calmly says to him, “I have reached my threshold of pain. Call me when you want to sell the car to me for what it’s actually worth.”
I really wanted the car but knew not to show that to the salesman. We walked out and I said to my husband that I loved that car! DH said, “Me too, but at a fair price. He will call. Be patient.”
The salesman called three weeks later and sold it at what my husband offered.
DH is the middle child. So am I. We are the best negotiators at getting the best deal!
It can end with us drinking a cocktail on a luxury cruise! 😊
Soon I’m doing a short beach trip for a few days with my almost 27 year old daughter. . She has had a bit of her own issue going on . Trying to cheer her up .
Our first Mother daughter get away .
I feel kinda bad I’m leaving DH behind though .
We’ll also insert some little cats. Just because.
Every scene will involve chicken wings in some way.
Way and I as planned, meet at Bingo in the movie. At first we don’t recognize each other. It’s all very mysterious. (Enter: mysterious music)
During caregiving scenes, we have THE MUSIC FROM JAWS.
NO Cruise , my FIL always wants that from us.
It can be a beach resort or Europe or anything else .
Needs therapist could do a cameo but be the bartender . Lol
Okay, no cruise. Fair enough…you can pick the destination!
😂 Love the music from Jaws idea!
Enjoy your beach trip!
When my mom was in IL I came once a week to set up her meds and take her shopping because I wanted to see her. If she had been a PITA, I wouldn't have shown up.
Facility did her linens; personal laundry could be done for a fee.
They do his linens, laundry , housekeeping in AL . We don’t do that . I volunteer doing his laundry while he was in rehab only so things don’t get lost . I tried spraying to make his room smell better . The couch and a chair need to be thrown out is my guess. But they belong to AL except the recliner that we got him .
FIL removes protective pads if you put any on the furniture . He says he does not need them because he’s not wet . He needs to be in memory care with vinyl chairs. After 16 months of this , I don’t see him turning around . I suggested memory care but so far , a no go . DH doesn’t want to be the bad guy and deal with FIL . That is all I can do. I’m hoping AL soon says it’s necessary to move to MC.
…NeedHelpWithMom
…Way2Tired
We can’t suddenly be Penelope, Geraldine…
Agreed, the therapist will be the bartender. I’ll order a strong shot of milk! (I don’t like alcohol).
Daisy gets a dressing room. In fact, every little cat gets one. We, however, must all share one.
At least make it chocolate milk!
All of that!!
Only I’ll have strawberry lemonade please .
I don’t really like alcohol much either !
An occasional glass of wine if with friends , which happens rarely anyway .