My parents in their 80's are probably in the category of the 'greatest generation'. Their lives seem to have fallen in line with similar paths of others. Dad proudly served this country in the navy, met mom when he returned and they both worked day jobs to put themselves through college. Nobody gave them a dime, but they made their money through hard work and seemed to take satisfaction in that. Dad didn't retire until he was 72 years old. Even then, they were active and volunteered at the local hospital, church and community. They traveled, but remain living in the area they grew up so many people know them wherever they go. Two years ago mom became ill with a broken hip and has declined rapidly with various issues since then. Dad is her primary caretaker, exhausted and tired. They rarely leave the house. Mom says she wants to die. Dad says he has no quality of life. I do what I can to support, help with doctor appointments and help around their home.
What breaks my heart is they way I see the essence of what they are disappearing. Dad even told me "I'm too old for this world". I think what they value ... things like honor your word, live the example, treat others as you wish to be treated, respect of country, always take time for kids/grandkids are things that nobody seems to have any regard for. People seem to have no patience with them, don't take any time for them.
Is it just me? Does this happen to every generation as they age?
My parents always had me and my sister's family at their house for Christmas, but this year let my sister host the dinner. At the last minute mom felt ill, and couldn't make it. My sister's 25 year old son said "Oh great, do we have to just mope around all day because they're not here?" I cringed. My sister kept telling me that it's not all about mom & dad and she wanted her kids to have a good holiday. So, she never mentioned our parents at all during the dinner. Nobody did. I stayed briefly and left. I've never been close to my sister and will likely never return to any "holiday" celebration with her again.
Is this odd? Do I have a self-absorbed sibling raising similarly-focused children?
I find it heartbreaking. Does it always come down to this?
Thanks.
The way I personally deal with this is kind of "to each his own attitude". I don't criticize or comment. However I do discuss the behavior later with my own children (who are now adults). I do not totally agree with the way they have raised their families (all differently) but that is not my responsibility. I have established a close relationship with my grandchildren and it is good! I also am close to my children and they are always there for me as I am for them. They are all different so the bond is trust and family rather than caring for one more than the other.
It is not easy to live a life and always do the right thing - or to ignore behavior that is repugnent to you. However, instead of arguing I prefer to limit the time I spend with them and still treat them with what I feel is correct.
I is not always easy to do that. When it isn't I limit the time I spend with them. No argument just I don't subject myself to what I know will happen.
In the meamtime I live my life the way I want to. I cannot change the world - HELL! I have trouble changing my bad habits!
However, I would like to send a hug to all the caregivers who find themselves in this situation. Send a prayer up for all of us. Life is hard enough without looking for more problems.
Love,
Rosepetal
I don't know what to do about people outside being rude.
As for the younger generations, my dad’s favorite thing to say is “it’s what you learn after you know it all that really counts”
As far as your sister, everyone handles stress and grief differently, some cannot handle it. Her son? Hopefully he will change when he has children or he will be raising them to be like himself..
I loathe smartphones, too 👿 but if you can't beat 'em...
One visit with dad sticks in my head as all the grandkids visits were all glued to their phones versus visiting with grandpa. So sad to see.
The 25-year-old sadly sounds like so many of the Millennial generation-- entitled, spoiled and self-absorbed (then again, maybe we always have been) so I'm not surprised anymore when being inconvenienced by others takes precedence over being kind and compassionate to people who can't help being old. And it's difficult when you're caring for parents pretty much on your own. Like many people, I have a sibling who really isn't involved-- he comes around once every few weeks to socialize with dad and take him to dinner... none of the real work is ever done, my husband and I get that pleasure.
I get short with dad sometimes, too... I work full-time in a job that's demanding and where people look to me every day to make decisions for them. And then have to do it for him. Sometimes I don't see it as an opportunity, but as a burden, and then I feel guilty, but it's short-lived because we are, after all, only human with human failings.
I take a lot of deep breaths and pray, it's the only thing that bolsters my resolve to buck up and be not just dutiful, but loving during this last season of my dad's life. I can't change my brother's involvement or attitude; I can only manage my own, and have to be content with that.
I have a different perspective as the caregiver for my wife who suffered a sci leaving her paralyzed. We are younger than your parents but I see the effect of what you describe from the actions of our (2) adult daughters. I have tried talking with them and it always amazes me how much they do not understand about their Moms condition she's had for over 10 years now. At times they give the impression that the light of empathy was turned on but than it quickly fades. I think the situation is too much for them to deal with so they choose to avoid it. I long for them to just spend time with her but have come to accept they are the ones who will live with their decision after she is gone.
You sound like a daughter your parents should be very proud of and I would suggest to do what is in your own heart and live by being an example. Take the gift you see before you and leave the quilt to them.
As young people become more absorbed into the world of technological devices and less interested in conversation, I’ve noticed their skills at simple customer service is lacking. Many can’t even mumble a simple thank you, when handing you your fast food order, or check out at a store.
Some Young people are uncomfortable being around aging people. Even adults are reminded unconsciously that they will one day be old so they don’t want to face it. I remember as a teenager how I hated seeing my grandfather become "senile" as we called it back then. It’s up to us to educate people on how to treat and see elders.
Your parents world is narrowing in which is typical as we age. Sad..yes...but not unusual. I’m sure we will be saying the same things they are if we live that long. Talk to a geriatric psychologist or read up on the subject to understand it better. You sound like a very caring daughter and are doing the best you can.
People have different inclinations, interests and priorities.
Your sister wanted her kids to have a nice, jolly Christmas. Not actually evil of her, I'm sure you'll agree?
Your 25 year old nephew has something to learn about engaging his brain before opening his mouth. Does what he said mean that he wasn't bothered that his poor Granny was too ill to join in? I doubt if he'd even considered the question from that point of view.
The thing is... if you want people, especially young people, to think about things more widely and have more consideration for others, you have to prompt them. A gently humorous "I'm sure Granny wouldn't have got ill if she'd known it would ruin your day, darling boy" might pull him up more effectively than your criticising him to his mother and then simmering about it for weeks afterwards.
I like elderly people. I am interested in their lives and their experience, and I always have been. I never found my grandmother boring (intimidating, yes, but that's different). My siblings, on the other hand, protested every time she telephoned, visited or invited us over as though she were some sort of social intruder. Well, here's one result of the different attitudes to older relatives.
When my great aunt died aged 99¾, I took it on myself to draft an address for the funeral officiant to read. My sister said to me afterwards: "where did you get all that from? I didn't know any of that." What could I say to her? - try asking, dear Henry; except that of course it was now too late. And sister was the one who'd missed out, especially on the spicier anecdotes which I'd felt weren't suitable for a funeral.
I think you should leave your sister in peace. It's not for you to say how she brings up her children, does Christmas or includes her parents in her world view. And I'm not sure who will benefit if you still feel the same next December and refuse an invitation to join them (if issued, of course) on principle.
But if you feel your parents and your sister's children would benefit from interaction, suggest it! Ask them to come with you to prune the hedges one Saturday morning, or rehang the curtains. Tell them their grandparents would love to see them. Make every suggestion refusable - you want volunteers, not conscripts - and see what happens.
Try not to make it an issue of age and respect for elders. Try treating all of the parties involved as *people* - members of a family who, in the general run of things, can be expected to want to know one another.
But there are also really good people out there who have plenty of patience for seniors. I was the Executive Director of a non-profit where we had volunteer drivers drive seniors to their doctors' appointments using their personal cars. We had/have over 100 volunteer drivers who are willing to spend up to two hours driving and then sitting and waiting for seniors during their appointments and taking them back home. They don't get paid and they barely even get any money for gas - most get none. They do it out of the goodness of their hearts. There are organizations like this all over the country. So there are definitely good people out there with a heart for seniors.