My parents in their 80's are probably in the category of the 'greatest generation'. Their lives seem to have fallen in line with similar paths of others. Dad proudly served this country in the navy, met mom when he returned and they both worked day jobs to put themselves through college. Nobody gave them a dime, but they made their money through hard work and seemed to take satisfaction in that. Dad didn't retire until he was 72 years old. Even then, they were active and volunteered at the local hospital, church and community. They traveled, but remain living in the area they grew up so many people know them wherever they go. Two years ago mom became ill with a broken hip and has declined rapidly with various issues since then. Dad is her primary caretaker, exhausted and tired. They rarely leave the house. Mom says she wants to die. Dad says he has no quality of life. I do what I can to support, help with doctor appointments and help around their home.
What breaks my heart is they way I see the essence of what they are disappearing. Dad even told me "I'm too old for this world". I think what they value ... things like honor your word, live the example, treat others as you wish to be treated, respect of country, always take time for kids/grandkids are things that nobody seems to have any regard for. People seem to have no patience with them, don't take any time for them.
Is it just me? Does this happen to every generation as they age?
My parents always had me and my sister's family at their house for Christmas, but this year let my sister host the dinner. At the last minute mom felt ill, and couldn't make it. My sister's 25 year old son said "Oh great, do we have to just mope around all day because they're not here?" I cringed. My sister kept telling me that it's not all about mom & dad and she wanted her kids to have a good holiday. So, she never mentioned our parents at all during the dinner. Nobody did. I stayed briefly and left. I've never been close to my sister and will likely never return to any "holiday" celebration with her again.
Is this odd? Do I have a self-absorbed sibling raising similarly-focused children?
I find it heartbreaking. Does it always come down to this?
Thanks.
I have/ had to reinforce with my own kids that someday grandpa and grandma won’t be here and by spending time with them now not only makes them happy it is something you won’t look back on and regret.
Now, after my dad has passed I feel like I have to be the greatest showman/girl for my mom. My brother and his family don’t / won’t visit, call, send letters NADA. It’s as if she’s non existent.
So, I walk in that door now with the mindset that my mom is some celebrity. We talk about the things I know that brighten her mood or day.
This attitude is new for me as I used to dread visiting because of her dementia. But it works! She lights up like never before.
I know the Greatest Generation has been through more than we have and it breaks my heart to think they are sad. They are tired, no doubt. But the change of mindset and changing the conversation to positive has really helped me and mom’s visits. Also, I bought her one of those Hasbro Joy For All Companion Cats. Now all the other residents have bought their own, both cats and dogs. Lol It’s something fun and helps take her mind off of trying to understand this world. She’s 94.
Your parents, too, being from the Greatest Generation, need to feel the respect and attention that they deserve and relate too from their era. Sometimes, local American Legion or Recuiting centers will have gentlemen come out to visit with your dad to chat about things they can relate to. Also, check with your Area on Aging (city or county) for help in suggestions in your situation. Prayers for you and your family!
My mom passed away in November at 97, weeks after we had a party for her at the NH -- a party that the grandchildren & local cousins made a point of attending. 5 weeks later my FIL passed away unexpectedly at 80. Only 1 son & his family had no memories to laugh & cry over with the rest of us -- his choice, and one he is regretting. They are now joining the rest of us to rally around the devastated widow.
So sad to hear of so many of our elders not having a loving & caring family to help them thru their final years.
No, people don't have patience anymore. The world is changing too fast for our elderly to keep up. Technology changes everyday. I see a selfish generation in a lot of kids we call the "Millineums" Parents holding down two jobs and putting kids in extra curricular activities so they don't need to deal with them. I have been saying for years that parents are making children the center of their marriages. This didn't happen in my parents house. My Dad was the bread winner. Mom and him would discuss things but the final decision was his. He worked shifts and Mom didn't drive so it was a bike or walk. Their needs came above ours. Plus, I think social media has taken away the personal side of interacting with people. We all are in a hurry to get nowhere. When your nephew said what he did your sister should have reprimanded him. How can he have empathy for his aging Grand parents when ur sister doesn't seem to have any. It's a shame we r living so long. My husband feels that is why the increase in Dementia and other ailments you don't see till your 80s because our bodies weren't made to live past 80 years. It's Seniors taking care of Seniors.
It IS our job to teach the next generation, either by words or examples, to not miss the great opportunity to learn history first-hand from those older generations.
At some point in the future, they might remember that "Aunt Nellie always enjoyed talking to the old people; now I know why."
One reason old people might feel they are "ready" to leave is precisely BECAUSE they are ignored by new generations. My 95-year old uncle always tells me people either ignore him or talk down to him now. He was a highly successful chemist who traveled ALL over the world and can talk for hours about his experiences, and yet some ignorant whippersnappers treat him as if he is worthless.
Every human on earth needs affirmation and to be relevant.
I personally always gravitate to the older because without a doubt they have had more interesting experiences than most 20-year olds. In fact, after spending time with the elderly, younger folks seem a bit boring. Younger people can share their humor, their energy, their opinions, their hopes, their dreams of their own futures, but most have few real experiences to share.
When I am on a bus, or at the airport, I look around and am aware of my first impressions of people - I am also aware of my ASSUMPTIONS about them, about their income, their education, their lives. But then I remember how many times in the past, how, after speaking with someone, that person changed before my very eyes - after I listened to their fascinating experiences. With old people, you don't even have to agree with them on politics, religion or anything - but just to get a rounder picture of HISTORY, try to learn how they formed their opinions and why. And you certainly do not need to try to get them to change at this time in their lives. Ask their opinions of THEIR parents. We can reach back and get first-hand looks at history from hundreds of years ago. My mother told me stories HER mother had told her about HER mother..... amazing.
One of the gifts I received by spending time with my mom was that I was privileged to witness how MANY kind & patient people there were in the world.
One day I was taking my white-haired uncle to a clinic and as we left, a family was entering. A darling little boy chastised his sister, telling her to get out of the path, "Mary! Watch out. He is our ELDER!"
I see her slipping away, more difficulty finding words (she has good and bad days), and the physical and emotional labor is draining for me. She says she wishes she could die. A nurse said that people are living longer but have no quality of life. Their worlds get smaller and smaller, and there is nothing we can do. I feel guilty for not taking better care of the house but right now just don't have it in me.
I think the elderly feel the world is passing them by and in a sense they are right. I struggle to keep up with the technology, and they just can't. They feel irrelevant.
Often I wish that we had different social structures. Too much is put on families. No one keeps up with extended families with this mobile society, but I think a clan or tribe as the primary social unit would be so much better, for then the caregiving of both children and the elderly and disabled would be spread among many, rather than relegated to a few exhausted family caregivers.
I am 70, and I can see the ‘disappearance’ happening to me. One daughter picked my brains big-time while she was doing a mature-age Masters degree, which interested me a lot, but only talks about trivia now that it’s over. I can see that I don’t contribute in the same way to her current concerns, but it’s hard to be relegated to darning clothes (even though I enjoy it). The other daughter must have forgotten the way I was when earning their living as a single mother, as a consultant undertaking very confrontive investigations and reviews. She is horrified when I say anything difficult in public, and rushes to control me - she prefers the darning grandmother. The ‘real me’ is fading into bland.
I came across something about doing an ‘oral history’ discussion for a daughter to record, and perhaps will see if there is any interest in the idea. Bringing the past histories of me and my second husband into the present for them as adults might lead to a little more interest in our extensive experience. Living it as children seems not to have provided an adult awareness for them now. Or I too might get a coloured wig – I loved that idea!
Best wishes and sympathy to all.
Life is passing us but. I am 83 hubby 86. Most of our f
I feel it is my duty and responsibility to teach this by doing, by example and not making it optional. It is our responsibility to take care of the elderly, the disabled, the less fortunate, even if they are not related to us, then just as human beings to take care of the weaker Among Us. I fear for this next Generation when they get old. They will have no one. I hope I'm not around to see it. I began my journey with my father-in-law at age 37 and I'm 48 now. I have seen things that make me cringe. My grandfather died 3 days ago. He was a 97. The last few years his six children all took shifts to take care of him and supplemented the other time with a home health aide. Everyone did their responsibility. Some could do more than others, there were disagreements, but in the end they all did as much as they could for several years to keep him as comfortable as possible until he left this world. I cannot say the same thing about my father-in-law's family. I have since found out in the last 11 years that my family was unusual nowadays. It would have been considered normal many many many years ago, but I have had doctors tell me over and over and over again that there's usually just one person that handles everything and the rest of the family disappears. Respect of Elders and responsibility toward Elders has been replaced with selfies. May God help me to continue to teach my grandchildren to respect their elders and care for the elderly whether they want to or not. Fake it till you make it. Again. I always say to find balance. We shouldn't give them our whole lives because then we'll become resentful, but we must give them to care and respect they deserve because in the end what goes around comes around. May God help the caregivers to keep going!!!
All their friends are dead. My 3 siblings chose this time to blame my parents for their raising...even tho we had done family counseling 20 years ago and all was put to rest then. Brother called and told my parents they were white trash and liars. Mom and dad spent more time, money and effort on him always.
My parents too worked for everything they have, no handouts or gimmes. They did well and saved, I’m amazed at how people can turn their backs on the two people who brought you into the world and fed, clothed and card for you. Sure they made mistakes but, I’m a parent and I make mistakes too, we ALL do. They will be the ones in the end who will regret their choices and if they don’t - we’ll very cold hearted. Not people I want in my life, they also abandoned me which took a few years to come to terms with, but I have.
As I read you post - I completely identified with the heartbreak of watching these two people who came so far from NOTHING, were so active and happy, travelled all over together (72 years together, 70th anniversary next month), raised four kids and made a life with each other...withering away. It’s barbaric to see, it just shouldn’t be this way. My heart goes out to you...I can’t answer your questions, but I completely relate to your situation. Bless you for being the daughter you are to them.
We are disappearing from this world. I am 83 hubby 86, most of our friends and family of our generation are gone. One problem we have is all our repair people are either retired or dead. We have to get all new electricians, plumbers, pest control. Who do you trust? All the guys that would come over and help us move heavy stuff for a 6 pack are either dead or too ill. We are disappearing, and that is a fact. Just think when we get to the other side, they will all be there and tease us by asking what took us so long.
My 2 girls call me, both live too far away to be of any help. Grandchildren too. Everyone is trying to get by in this life. I call them. I Facebook. All of the grown ones connect to us that way. I call my 91 year old aunt in Texas, she is in AL. Most of the time I get "Honey, can I call you back? I am (choose one) playing cards, playing Bingo, listening to music". I volunteer, I know my days are numbered with that because my husband is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's.
I am trying to plan my life so I won't be a burden to my family. My mother used to say, you pay for your raising by raising your own. The bible says, That is why a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the two will become one. To me that means that the younger generation should go off on their own. My two oldest granddaughters, live in the Seattle area, I live in So. Cal. Once a year, I pay for them to come and see me for a couple of days. While they are here they see all the family and friends if they have time. They work, they have to live where work is. We make choices, some people want to stay where they are even though it means giving up a social life. I know it hurts to see your parents ignored by the kids, but they aren't as attached as we are.
I showed him how to be responsible by taking care of my dad, his grandpa. "Mom, why do you do all that stuff for grandpa?" "Because I'm his only kid and he needs help. Sometimes I don't want to but it's the right thing to do."
During his teenage years, I thought he wasn't as polite (maybe to me) but I heard good things from his friend's moms. Then came heroin. That wiped out everything I taught him. The drug stole my son and all the values he had. He conned me out of thousands of dollars and virtually ignored me and his grandparents except for what we could give him.
My son and I don't get along due to his addiction and I know there will be nobody to do anything for me when I get older. I've come to grips with that.
It took me a long time to admit that my son, who was a GATE kid in school with a higher IQ than me, could turn into someone that I don't know. I did my best to instill the proper morals and responsibilities but narcotics have taken all that away.
He admits that I did all the right stuff as a parent and that his addiction is his fault. Somehow that is no consolation. You can do your best but your kids' choices are the end result.
I looked after my parents for 20 years. My mom died of stomach cancer in 2003 and my dad died of coal miners lungs disease in 2014. I agreed to move in with them with my family for the sole purpose of caring for them. My sisters were very much against me staying to watch my father. They told me "daddy doesn't need anyone to care for him". My father begged me to stay and so I did. My father's decline was long and painful for him. Hospital visits were more frequent and longer. The last 2 years were terrible. Constant oxygen machine and still he had shortness of breath. My father spent the last 2 years on the love-seat in the living room. I made dinner every night (always his Italian favourites) and instead of sitting at the dinner table, my four children and I sat around him and kept him company and chatted. We always made him feel needed and appreciated. One night at the hospital after his surgery to insert a drainage tube in his lung, he started bleeding profusely from his lung. I thought he might die that night. I called both my sisters. My younger sister told me to call him if he died. My older sister said "what can I do if I come? I'm at the cottage and they are having 3 days of Christmas activities. I've taken my grand daughter every year and I don't want to disappoint her". Call me if he dies and we'll deal with it." I said nothing. My father was there for his 3 daughters always and sacrificed so much to give us a good life. Why can't you sit your children and grandchildren down and explain that life isn't always about good times. Nonno needs us. He is probably terrified and wants to say goodbye before he goes to heaven. My father did not die that night. He lived on another year. I invited them over for Family Day (Canadian Holiday) and they declined. My father passed away on Oct 14/2014. That was one day after Canadian Thanksgiving. I cooked turkey dinner and my four children and I ate dinner with him at the hospital. He was so happy and grateful and so were my kids. The next morning the nurses woke me (I slept at the hospital on a camping bed with him) to tell me that it was his time. He died in my arms while I thanked him for being such a great father to me and my four kids (their father left them 10 years prior). My children learned to sacrifice for my parents at a very young age and believe me that lesson has moulded the wonderful young adults they are today. We will ALL get old and die. We will be treated in the same way we have taught our children to treat our dying parents. What goes around, comes around. My sisters have been fighting me for my special inheritance for over 3 years now. They are rich so I am sure to lose the last 20 years of my life to them. They can take the money I deserve, but they can't ever steal the relationships that I built with my mom and dad. Shame on them and all the greedy siblings on earth. If it had been me, I would have had Christmas at your mom and dad's. Your sister will live on to enjoy many more celebrations, but your parents won't. We should teach our children and grandchildren that life is not always a party and maybe if Christmas had been celebrated at your mom and dad's, your nephew might have reflected on that day when your sister will get old and very sick. He may have decided that she will deserve to be surrounded by family and love. That ship has most likely sailed. Our elders should be "treasured" not discarded or be thought of as a burden in the last years of their life. I will end here because I could write a million pages of what I learned in the past 20 years. Good luck Ginger May
My 2 older brothers are vacant from her life even though they live close. I've had a terrible time coming to terms with this, but I try to focus on the wonderful things I can provide my mom. I am beyond grateful that my sons can juggle their lives around and be there for my mom which gives me a break. They also have friends (in their 20's) who treat my mom with respect, and so much love! I don't think it's an "age" thing. It is definitely a "values" thing. How can family members who grew up around my beautiful mom not be there for her? I get it, it's not easy to see someone you love in such decline, but the knowing you weren't there when they're gone will be far worse.
I think the problem today is nobody wants to feel uncomfortable for even a couple of hours. It's so much easier to leave grandma across the room and ignore her than to sit and hold her hand. Who cares if she isn't making sense or she is a crabby old bat, do it anyway.
Of course, I'm not speaking to those of you who always had estranged relations with parents who abused you are something equally as horrible. But if the worst thing your parent, your sibling, grandparent...........,did to you was grow old, then take the time to be nice. You'll feel better afterward too.