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Failure. I have turned into someone I don't even like.
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Took Mom for errands. Ignored her negative criticism of me: I don't think she even knows she does it. Noticing her memory going. She asked about 4 times where we were going. This is new. I am getting firmer and kinder as I sympathize with her fear of death and illness. Today after the errands, and enjoying coffee at a new cafe, I took her to a park. She did not walk, only sat in the sun on the nearest bench: also new behavior. She usually walks a little but has to depend on hanging on to someone. Use a cane? Never!! How dare you suggest such a thing!
I let her sit and I went for a half hour walk. I had a nice talk with God. I told him I am ready to give him that crumpled up, old anger of mine. I am ready to forgive my mother for all the pain she ever caused me and is causing me now. I don't NEED to feel that pain anymore. I am ready to let go of it and ask God to forgive her and to be released of this anger. I am ready to serve HIM and be loving when I can. It was a turning point for me. I feel so much lighter and freer.
I wish the same for anyone going through this.
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Judda you are a wise woman. your mom is truly blessed.
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Update the dishwasher actually works too. Probably saved $100. Trouble is hubby breathes down my neck and tells me I actually don't know how to do things just think I do. Actally Capt I am pretty handy and renovated several houses on my own and resold them. O/A is slowing me down now, that, and age, which I refuse to acknowlege. Can't match you IQ I am sorry to say but I would challenge you to mend anything in the clothing line any day.
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Judda, your comments are always a great read. Bless you.

Maggie – you poor sweet thing – I know for a fact that all of us go through that. I’ve found myself getting SO irritable with Mom and trying SO hard to hide it, so I don’t end up snapping at her when she doesn’t deserve it. I’m irritated at the situation, not at her, personally, so I have to keep reminding myself that she doesn’t deserve my wrath. It is not a failure to have a bad day – or even several bad days in a row. It’s just life. See if you can find something to do that will pull you out of the doldrums.

Hope22 – way to go! Getting that stuff done is a major help sometimes and really brightens the mood, doesn’t it?

Veronica – kudos to you on the dishwasher! What a great idea to fix it yourself! It’s funny how many things we can figure out how to do ourselves when it becomes necessary.

Failure for today? Not a thing so far! I’ve been productive all day long.

Accomplishments:
-Took Mom’s 1970s-era metal power bed frame out to the curb – holy cow, was that HEAVY. But I did it. I am woman, hear me ROAR!

-Assembled Mom’s new bedframe and put her bed back together (not a power bed, she doesn’t need one – the old one was just a hand-me-down someone gave her years ago). Her old bed was not rated to hold someone of her size, and 2 of the 4 casters had broken, leaving the bed lopsided and it scratches the floor when moved. Since we are in the process of having the floors refinished, it was a good time to replace the bed with something that wouldn’t scratch the floor and was rated for her weight.

-Got all my work done for one client today, moving to the others this evening. Looking forward to socking away an extra $100-$150 per week towards paying off bills, vacation, vehicle emergency fund, etc. Never had an emergency fund in my life, so it’s nice to start seeing that happen. It’s taken a lot of years and a lot of hard work to get to this point, and living in as Mom’s caregiver is partially responsible for my being able to do that now.

-Oh, and I paid it forward today when I stopped at the store to pick some things up for dinner. Always makes me feel good, even when people react the way the recipient did today - by looking at me like I had two heads. LOL That's ok. Maybe down the road, she will remember this and help someone else.
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Every time I come to this thread, I sit here trying to find what I've failed / accomplished. I keep getting blank thoughts. I can write numerous failures but I could not come up with an accomplishment. I know what you all think of me. But, how you all view me is not the way I view me. I'm so full of negatives. I just could not post here without a ying to go with the yang.

Maggie, your one-liner hit me hard. I realized that I only liked life (and me) when I first 'found' God when I was age 23. It was difficult to juggle a full time job and my religious obligations. When mom got diagnosed, I abandoned all spiritual stuff. I was drowning with work+religion. Unfortunately, I always equated religious organization = God. Only when I found this site about 2 years ago, I have read over and over that I don't have avoid God. It's the religious organization that's making it so burdensome for us on top of our caregiving.

Judda, as I read and re-read your words, I realized that I need to be proactive in learning not to let father's words anger or irritate me. I need to set boundaries. Or if that doesn't work, then at least turn to God for help. I'm so glad that you reached this critical stage. And I'm also envious. If you can do it, so can I. Thanks. {{Hugs}}

Failure - Didn't cook breakfast.

Accomplishments - I'm making headway with cleaning the shower's walls and floor just by using vinegar/Dawn mix. Got all the trash out (kitchen, pampers, recycles) without silently cursing oldest sis for not doing it.
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Well, one of today's accomplishments has turned into something of a failure, but it's a work in progress.

Mom's new bed is essentially a roll-away heavy duty bed, and has very thick foam foundation attached right to the bed, which we put her mattress on top of. Unfortunately, her mattress is an odd size - it's not a true twin size and it's not a full size - it's something in between. It hangs off the bed at the front by about 2-3" (the other side is against the wall).

Mom tried to get into the bed and nearly fell out when the mattress tried to slide off as she was kneeling on it. So I suggested she put her knee further into the center of the bed when she lays down - which she tried, but then didn't have the "oomph" to push with her other leg to actually get into the bed, so she was stuck with one leg on the bed and one on the floor, necessitating a firm shove on her hip from me to get her rolled into the bed. Getting up is another matter - the mattress slides with her as she tries to get out and she almost ends up on the floor.

Talk about a comedy of errors. The old bed is gone, since I hauled it to the curb and someone picked it up for metal scrap, so bringing it back in, even temporarily, is not an option. So I am off to Wally World tonight to find Velcro strips and a large rubber rug mat (the kind you put under rugs to keep them from slipping) and possibly some alcohol to knock myself out (kidding). I'll try the rug mat first, and if that doesn't work, I'll use the velcro strips. I'm also going to venture out to Dad's spider-and-squirrel-infested garage tomorrow to get a couple of 4x4 blocks of wood to put behind the bed by the wall to allow us to push the mattress further back from the front side of the bed (if that makes sense).

So much for that accomplishment! I guess I'll chalk it up as an accomplishment for tomorrow if I get the darn thing modified enough to actually work for mom.
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my apologies to dusty if i sounded like an all knowing jerk . you just list your difficulties so often but hardly ever list your plans for resolving them. these are horrible economic times and nearly everyone is having to struggle to get by .
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Susan, how could you?!! "I've been productive all day long…" I know, as Captain said at the outset, it ain't bragging if ya done it, but have a heart! I was productive between 7:30 and 7:35. Then there was a bit of a lag while I drank too much coffee and stared into the distance. Between 9:00 and midday I was a blur :) - three laundry loads all pegged out in the sunshine, printed party invitations, emailed more invitations, and remembered to tell the Book Group I've got the books. Further lag. Lackadaisical stab at the ironing. Planted pelargoniums to replace the clove-scented pinks (delicious, apparently, if you ask the chickens). Drifted aimlessly from room to room trying to remember what I was meant to be doing first and failing. In between times lobbed mother endless cups of tea, sandwiches, jelly (as in jello - it's a life saver, one of the few ways I can get any fruit into her because if you mix it in she'll still eat it).

And that is actually quite a good day for me. Or so I thought… Humph.
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Today I was able to get my nearly 2 year old grandson up to see my mom, who is in a great snf 90 minutes from us. Clark ( the baby) showed off all his physical and verbal tricks for his great grandma and gave her a lovely hug goodbye. I couldn't ask for anything more.!
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Sometimes you need a day to not have a plan and coast. It's called relaxation.
My day started slowly and with swollen eyes, sinus, and feeling groggy from allergies. Took some herbs, put cold compresses on my face, and slowly got to things I never have time for. Finally, now, I am very happily working on my job at home: making videos for others. Today it is a mother and daughter dynamo of auctioneers. The task is to look at hours of footage and put them into a promotional on their website. Emotionally, they are inspiriting and their closeness reminds me of good times (albeit in smaller amounts, but does that matter?) with my own mother. I hold in my heart the good times. But, Ha, it's a lot easier when she isn't with me!
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Susan The 4x4 blocks on their own won't work, you also need a 6 ft X 6"X2" board to rest on top of the 4 X4s. Screw the board down if possible so you end up with a kind of shelf that will support the wall side of the matressI if you can get a couple of heavy duty metal brackets and fix the 4 X 4s to the wall for stability that will help. I expect you have solved this problem by now.
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Sorry, CountryMouse! I move about 90mph most of the time because of my work schedule, and it spills over. LOL It sounds like you had a good day, overall, though! Everyone could use some of that “staring into the distance” time.

Judda – hope you feel better soon!

Veronica – thanks for the tip – but you wouldn’t believe how I solved it. LOL I’m feeling like an inventive genius and definitely my father’s daughter in terms of innovation. Dad, in his later years, wanted something to do with his hands, so he started doing plastic canvas crafts – door hangers, wall hangers, blocks for the kids, calendar holders, door stops – DOOR STOPS! I remembered we had 2 doorstops he’d made here at the house, and they are exactly the size and shape of a large brick – which is just about the size I needed for the bed project. I located them and put one between the bed and the wall at each end of the bed and – voila! – problem solved! I put some rug-stop (that rubber stuff you put under a rug to stop it slipping on the floor) under the mattress and slid the mattress against the wall – problem solved! Mom has been using the bed all last night and today with no problems at all.

I have to say, the bed was a *great* investment. It’s firmer than the old spring frame she had, which was really saggy. She sleeps sounder (and for longer periods of time) on this bed, and says it’s very comfortable. Score!

Accomplishment for today: Got mom out of the house and had her take a test drive on the new scooter. She loves it. We took the dog for a walk around the block, and Mom rolled along beside us.

Gotta dash for now…have a huge amount of work left yet tonight. Have a great night everyone!
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i only worked 5 hrs this morning but im not a spring chicken any more . 5 hours of digging , leveling the base and sawing the ends of stone bars is about enough for me .. between stone projects this cuctomer is going to pay me to cut firewood for him , on his place. that means i can keep turning down brick houses -- dont like brick --
edna wants to sell her shack and 2 acres cheap . my youngest son wants it but hes burned me too many times. im not going to help him buy it . id get burned and have noone to blame but myself.. he should have been looking ahead when he was burning blunts to the tune of 200 .. 00 a week while i worked alone and paid off a 4 k loan for him with shark interest rates.. not bitter , just wiser..
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I finally finished a large red notebook that I will give to my parents for Dad to fill out. My parents are in their 90's and I have no clue about their 5 year plan. I am hoping this notebook will jar their memory to start planning.

The notebook is broken down into sections, such as where are all their legal papers? Where is their will? How current is the will? Who's their attorney? Where's the deed to their house? Do they have a power of attorney? Where is the car title? Who's their stockbroker? All stocks under one umbrella? Do they have savings bonds?....

List all their checking accounts? List all their credit cards? What expenses are automatically taken out of their checking or credit cards? Do they have a bank safe deposit box, if so where, who has a key? Do they have a fireproof safe box at home? What is in both boxes? Do they have an old coin/stamp collection?....

Do they want to move into a retirement village? If not, will they allow caregivers to come into the house 24 hr a day? Do they have long term health policy? Where is the final resting place? Deed to the cemetery plots? Name of funeral home? In lieu of flowers, what charity? What items to you want to give to relatives? Yada, yada, yada. And in the back of the book plastic sleeve to put originals or copies of documents.

Whew, what a job that was putting it together. I also made a large red notebook for myself and for my significant other to fill out.... better do it now while we can still remember where everything is located :]
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Oh, I forgot to add to my list above.... what is the password to get into their computer, and ID's and passwords for emails and other registered items on the Internet so I can shut down and/or cancel?
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freqflyer, excellent idea. My father kept a looseleaf notebook that he called his "Doomsday Book." It is even the title that he wrote on the cover. The book had everything in it that I needed to handle the changeover of his pension, IRA, stocks, life insurance, credit cards, bank accounts, and other things. It made handling his estate so much easier. My mother was the executrix, but she wasn't able to do it. That book probably saved me a month of work. I keep my mother's information in the book now so it will be there when it comes time to settle her accounts. It will save a lot of time.

My mother, OTOH, is a disorganized mess. She has several CD's that I don't have records for. I'm glad they are all with the same bank. I hope we don't miss any of them when it comes time to settle the estate. She probably has around $200K in the CD's. I thought about what a nightmare it will be if she has to go into a NH. It may be wise to see if we can get them all incorporated into an annuity during this next year. That way she could be drawing some income and the money would be consolidated, so easier to track.
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Seconded, FF, very valuable directory to have if you can get your parents to do it.

Oh 'eck - I'm not sure I know half of my own passwords, let alone mother's..!
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freqflyer, that's an excellent reminder for all of us. I work from home, and have several clients most of the time. If I suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, they would be left wondering where the heck I went.

I need to have things set up so my daughter or someone can log into my computer, access all my sites and let people know what's going on.
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Oh, and in terms of organization, my dad was a meticulous record-keeper. All bills for each year bundled together and lableled and put in ziploc bags with the year on them....for decades. But do you think I could find the deed or their will?
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Ooh! Ooh! Ooohhhhhh! Me, Me, Me! Call on meeeeee!

Accomplishment today:

Used my negotiation and diplomacy skills to keep a client on board that was ready to jump ship. Feeling rather proud of that one!

Failure....well, I haven't yet managed to get all the dishes done since....um...(shuffling feet and blushing)....last Wednesday. We're not talking a mountain of dishes here, and I have been pecking away at them when I have time, just never able to get them all done before more are added to the mess from the next meal! It's a work in progress, but I'm pretty determined to get them done tonight. *Really* wish we had a dishwasher. I moved in with Mom coming from a house with a massive country kitchen, complete with all the amenities ....to a galley kitchen (long and narrow and NO SPACE for anything) with no dishwasher.
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Susan I don't care what you have to throw out - base unit, dog's basket (and dog), a wall - but GET ONE. That or paper plates, anyway, and the dishwasher is more versatile. Well done keeping your client :)
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What is it about dishes in the sink that drives us so crazy?? That is the same way I am about them...they just sit there and leer at me it seems....and I hate doing dishes....but also...one of my favorite things in life these days is waking up to a sparkling clean kitchen, not a dirty dish in sight and my coffee pot sitting there smiling at me with a freshly brewed pot a waiting...just for me....
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got my truck body parts today . a couple of them are partial repair panels . i dont want partial panels i want complete replacement parts. no harm done, ill install them on somebodys s-10 someday and get paid to do it. made a major determination about blunt man today. he'll end up in the mens shelter before he will ever take advantage of me again . i made this decision because he sold his mother a used car 9 months ago . never fixed it up like he promised. now shes a lowlife because she wont simply give it to him to trade off . he takes until you have nothing left to give then stomps you in the face . he'll grow up , ill see to it ..
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i offered to stomp him 3 years ago . as laughable as that sounds with him weighing 300 + lbs and me 165 , he still backed down.. i only need one lick and his nose will be crooked as long as he lives. of course then he'll destroy me but ill mend , he' ll have a crooked nose.. lol
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Captain you are my hero.
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Countrymouse - trust me, that's in the very near future, if I can afford it. The problem is that Mom's kitchen is anything but square and standard - the existing countertop is 1.5" too short for a dishwasher, so I either have to remove the cupboards (complete with 1970's paneling on the doors - Thanks Dad!) and replace those and the countertop, or reface the cabinets and jack the countertop up and put spacers under it to make it tall enough to accommodate a dishwasher - which means then the TOP cabinets will be too low to allow even a microwave to sit on the countertop. (Shaking my head here...) I'll figure it out eventually - but the countertop is not square and has to be custom cut to fit into the corner correctly, so that will be interesting.

Hope - I know what you mean! Those darn dishes are the bane of my existence. I like to make decent meals, but the dishes...!
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va phsyces favorite question is " hows your relationship with your sons " .. he he . the last time i was asked that i let loose on doc bill . i told him it aint a popularity contest , ill get square in their asses . ( because i love them ) . he listened to me tirade for ten minutes , smiled and said " fair enough " .. can you imagine how many liars sit and tell him how their sons love them , they are inseperable , etc . bull f - in s**t ... doc bill screwed up and got himself an honest parent . shortly thereafter the va spent 180,000 on a hepc treatment for me . must of been deemed some kind of asset to society.
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~Captain...$$$ well spent..:)
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woo hooo..got motivated tonight and got the kitchen cleaned up and sparkly fresh and have the coffee pot ready to have my coffee ready and waiting when I drag out of there in the am....a good feeling...alos went wild with my new single serve blender and made Mom a really yummy chocolate fudge peanut butter ensure shake...she loved it....she has been talking a lot today...a very good day!!
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