People are struggling with the decision of placement or home care.
There are valid reasons for both sides. In some cases home care works out well. Other cases facility placement is the better option.
All situations are unique and should never be lumped into one category.
I made the choice to do home care with my mom and while it wasn’t as difficult early on, later on it became quite a challenge.
Mom had Parkinson’s disease which is progressive and has no cure.
I did not realize how difficult it would be to care for my mom in the latter stages of a disease.
Caring for her became more than I could handle.
It is an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I took care of mom for 20 years, with 15 of those years in my home.
I felt obligated to care for mom because my father asked me to care for her after his death. I promised him that I would. I love my mother and truly wanted to do it.
I don’t think a parent even realizes what they are asking of a child when they request the promise to care for loved ones.
I seriously doubt that my dad would have wanted me to continue to suffer as caregiving became harder. He loved me very much.
My parents never cared for their parents so they did not have any first hand knowledge about caregiving.
I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would become to care for her in my home.
I wish that I had known about this forum years ago so I could have been warned about the difficulties that would lie ahead.
When parents are living in our home the parent/child relationship changes, becoming complicated and stressful.
I regret having mom live with us. Temporarily would have been fine, permanently was very hard.
Opinions are like a$$h0les!!
Everyone has one!!
The issue is that my a$$h0le may not function the same way yours does! Some run smoothly. Some are constipated. Some waffle back and forth. But in the end(pardon the pun), we are responsible for our own sh*t!
Many of us come here for support and advice. Not a narrative on how we need to do it, or how we are wrong.
If we don't necessarily agree with your opinion, it doesn't mean you're wrong or being judged.
It just means that we can agree to disagree agree.
Life as caregivers and Covid-19 is stressful enough without us being sh*ty to each other!!
After all, we all have caregiving as a common thread!!
Please be kind and check your a$$h0le at the door before entering this group!!
NHWM, sorry but I couldn't stand the rhetoric any longer!!
You're always supportive and amazing!! And I appreciate your opinion and insight!!
(((Hugs)))
Did you regret uprooting your life?
Did your mom treat your brother differently?
So many times parents expect the girls to do all of the work.
Sometimes daughter in laws end up taking care of mother in laws.
For me, my mother was never going to tell me that she needed help. I had to move 500 miles away and in with her. My mother was on her death bed and my brother flew all the way across country, leaving me all alone.
It really does become a dilemma. Almost like they set a trap! It can become an emotional roller coaster so the last thing that we need is being made to feel guilty.
I hated when my mom and other family members of mine, who did nothing to help, constantly tried to make me feel guilty.
I’m stealing it too!
Told you that I love the way you think!
Lea,
Always knew that you had great taste!
Thanks so much. I actually did step away awhile back.
My caregiving days to my parents were over.
I was just starting to feel as if I could live my life again.
My husband was diagnosed with cancer. So I came back to the forum for support.
We have been married for 43 years and he is the love of my life.
Hopefully he will be fine and we will have many more years together.
Those who WON'T do, PREACH!
That is the best line of the whole miserable year known as 2020!
Thank you for making me laugh tonight!
I guess I should have included something for those who were taking care of spouses instead of parents (my apology to LexiPexi!)--I guess "in sickness and in health" would be the line thrown at the caregiver in place of "honor your mother and father" but I think the former is aimed more at those who would divorce or desert a spouse rather than placing in a facility.
I'm rooting for your mother and particularly you 98 y/o cousin--what a remarkable woman!
Kimber166 made some excellent points. There is a saying that "those who can't do, teach" (in regards to someone who isn't really competent or successful in a given line of work who decides to teach it instead. I want to add a second line--"those who WON'T do, PREACH!"
I appreciate what you post, too. I thought your comment about not going by one's heart in making decisions was spot on, because some of the decisions we have to make require us to subdue our emotions--often easier said than done! I hope you never let the negative people drive you away from this forum!
You are certainly welcome to voice your opinion as much as anyone else.
I totally agree with you. This type of behavior isn’t what I would classify as a Christian.
If these people who try to place guilt on others were my only frame of reference for Christianity, I would most certainly become an agnostic, atheist or choose a faith from any number of world religions.
I am not a narrow minded individual. I respect all faiths.
I especially respect atheists who are moral and kind, over religious hypocrites who feel that they have a right to beat the Bible over our heads.
I know that the majority of people feel as we do.
The only person who would side with a hypocrite is another hypocrite.
Wonderful example of the self righteous using guilt to manipulate.
Your stepmom sounds lovely.
It’s so true, often the people who criticize do absolutely nothing to help!
I live 3 hours away, full time job, a son and husband and friends, and house of my own to manage. My stepmom was certainly not guilting me for more.
So i explained my situation and suggested that he and the church members step up and show their Christian side - help my step mom with errands or watching my dad for a few hours. Nope. She got more from the county (2 hours break twice a week).
I get tired of the Bible verses and the use of Christianity to manipulate me. As soon as that starts i know to duck and run.
My step mom is the best example of a true Christian that i know - a very loving woman. No song and dance or "look at me, I'm so holy" - she would observe what needed to be done to help someone = and offer to do it. Simple and straightforward.
You are correct. Fortunately, I don’t have the burden of caregiving to elderly parents any longer.
I get so sick of seeing people defend home caregiving so staunchly that they have attacked me and others.
Not just on the forum but in private messages that I ignore and delete.
The crazy part is some of these posters don’t even have any family members living in their homes and excuse their behavior with their distorted justification concerning their religious beliefs.
I tell people not to do home caregiving any longer if I recognize the same burnout that I went through. I am speaking from experience. They chime in by twisting my words, putting words in my mouth, etc.
For the most part I ignore them because they thrive on an audience and they don’t deserve any credence but newer posters have private messaged me feeling awful for being attacked, which is so sad.
I loved your ‘New Posters’ thread because it covered this topic. Sadly, that thread was shut down.
It can be summarized with a few words. Live and let live. Be respectful of everyone.
I thank those of you who have sent kind messages of support.
So many people have a heavy heart due to the enormous burden of being a caregiver.
This forum is meant to be an encouragement to those in need without harsh judgment or criticism.
We are all entitled to our own opinions. There has never been a ‘one size fits all’ solution. What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another.
I admire anyone who chooses to follow their own personal convictions in caregiving.
I do not feel that those following their own convictions have the right to force their beliefs on anyone else. That is crossing a line and is ultimately disrespectful.
I think the important thing to remember is that the level of care needed by an elder changes. The elder gets older and so does the caregiver. What worked for a year or ten may not work going forward.
Guilt has NO part in making the decision. Don't let other folks (the onlookers) make you feel guilty or tell you that arranging for facility care is in any way abandonment.
I love the way you think!
You are right. Caring for a spouse is tough too.
I encourage everyone to be supportive of anyone that is caring for a spouse.
What a great posting! I echo everything you just said.
Please take care of yourself. I understand your feelings for your husband.
My husband is going through cancer treatments and I am concerned for him.
We have already decided as husband and wife that if one of us ever becomes too difficult to care for that we want to go into a facility so we will not become a burden.
Thanks so much for caring.
Thanks for your kind words and more importantly for your kind heart.
Your experiences as a nurse and caregiver to your brother have enlightened all of us on this forum.
Therefore, it is NOT a fact, fabricated lie or a sugar coated story. It is what it is "AN OPINION."
Thus, when making an own decision, one is not obligated to be forced as subjection to the thoughts of another individual.
Thus, an individual has the liberty and right to the freedom of choice in a prudent decision.
Henceforth, in conjunction for said, opinions are not the intentions of misguided guilt.
There are so many heartfelt comments. I would like most of all to thank Mrsrubee for reminding us that there are some wonderful ALF and care centers. My brother was at a place where they absolutely amazed me with their loving care. He and I would sit in the Gazebo on the beautiful grounds watching them all run around doing things way beyond the call of duty, even dog walking. Helping a resident who wanted to trim roses. They were unfailingly kind; I never knew how they did it. It was more than a job.
They started great at the beginning with full interviews as to what they did, what they expected, what HE could expect in care costs, in raises, all of it deliniated in black and white. These people considered elders and even their family members as FAMILY. They KNEW the residents so well that when I had to tell a deep dark secret about my bro's long time companion and ex, they already KNEW all about it and were addressing it. They knew how each resident coped, what they could expect in problems. As I said, they amazed me. When I complimented a care worker they would say "It starts at the top; this is our mission". When I complimented the top they said "These folks do it all for me; THEY deserve all the credit".
I was a nurse. I loved it, and especially the elders. Even those who could wield a pretty good smack with a cane. Finding people who love this work is no mean feat. It is hard work. They deserve the credit. I saw them take honest abuse and take it with grace, do their best to fulfill needs.
I love to see the positivity I see on this thread, so thanks NHWM for this.
your posts are very much appreciated and help so very many.
So glad you are back on the forum! We missed you!!! Liz
My MIL blossomed when she went to Assisted Living. And my husband and I (who lived 4-1/2 hrs away) were relieved because we were afraid that caring for Mom was literally killing SIL, who visited every single day, brought groceries, took her to dr appts (even though just being in a dr office gave SIL panic attacks), etc. Mom made friends and loved all the activities at her ALF.
I’m now struggling with caring for my husband with dementia. When the pandemic is over I might place him. To many, that seems wrong since his care isn’t physically demanding, just mentally exhausting. But I start each day smiling, laughing, and speaking sweetly, but by mid-afternoon I’m frustrated and short tempered. Spending half the day with someone who is angry with him for reasons he is no longer capable of comprehending is hardly good. Although, truth be told, he doesn’t care that I’m mad and just smiles and laughs at me. He’s well cared for and happy, but I’m turning into a shriveled up shrew who just can’t face that this is the rest of my life.
At a good facility, staff will go home and recharge and come back able to be amused at his repetitiveness. And his false memories and ascribing bad intentions to loved ones won’t be personal to them. And I will be good company if I others handle the meals, bathing arguments, meds, the daily anxiety that he’s in the middle of a divorce (which happened 40 yrs ago) and his ex was just here taking everything, questions about where are long-gone pets (or the menagerie of imaginary animals LOL), etc. I will be able to visit, take hm out to lunch, chat and go home to a place that isn’t a so cluttered it’s just this side of a hoarding situation because getting rid of stuff makes him anxious. And my own health will improve because I’ll be able to go to PT, exercise class, dr appts, etc. without the added stress of finding a time slot that works with the provider as well as for whoever is watching him. As it is, I’m way overdue for a follow up with my cardiologist and my back is out again because PT and exercise is a bridge too far. Good news, however, is I’m getting my eye fixed tomorrow. Yeah!
I applaud those who are happy devoting their lives to the in-home care of another. But I’m coming to realize I just can’t do it much longer, that I’m starting to dislike the man I’ve been married to for 31 yrs and that’s not good for either of us. I just wish those who are content to totally give up their lives for their LOs wouldn’t be so contemptuous of those of us who aren’t.
I would like to see more comments about taking care of a spouse / partner. Specifically, home care vs a facility (we are still taking care of them - just not the day to day - hands on).
I feel that I should be able to continue to take care of my husband, however, my body is physically worn down. He does not seem to realize it is a 24/7, 365 no days off, three day weekends or vacations. Even as I sit here typing this (he is still in bed), I have the baby monitor on my desk - waiting to hear movement. We aren't able to shut down and recharge.
Read this article to see what plans Biden has:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/27/health/biden-senior-citizens.html
Biden has plans to help the caregivers out there, but it will take Congress to make this happen! Contact your reps. Pass this on to others you know who are caregivers! Ask friends and family to chime in, even if they are not caregivers. It may be too late for many, but you can help others avoid the hardships that you have endured and may help yourself/your families in the future, should any of you need care too.
We ALL need to mobilize and VOICE ourselves to our Reps and Senators, to make this happen!