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Chris, please don't let your mother ruin your joy to see your son. Let her fume! Your son has (unfortunately) seen her drama before. How about a nice long walk and then you and DH go out to dinner with your son, just the three of you. You are entitled to these things!! Get take out and eat where you can (outside or even the car!) and don't even tell your mother. Bring her home a bag of something after the fact.

I miss my son terribly, and I would be feeling just like you are if he was coming today and my mother was trying to hijack the day which she surely would! I hope you can brush off your mothers BS and enjoy hearing about your son's college experience!

Good luck and I hope you have a great day with him!

Also hang on girl, four weeks!!!
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Thank you Piper. He is home and now crashed out in bed with one of the cats for the afternoon, after a rather late night last night I think! I don't think my mother even bothered to speak to him when he arrived. I look forward to a nice meal tonight, as you suggest. Thank you for your support.
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Chris,

My mother would do the same thing.

My daughter’s university was a little over an hour away from our home. She came home for the holidays and on some weekends.

My mom and my daughters have always had a good relationship but they did resent that they didn’t have more time alone with me.

It’s sad because my children did not ignore my mom.

Mom would do this when my friends stopped by too.

My friends adored my mom because she was always charming in front of them!

I know my mom was lonely but she refused to participate in any activities at our community senior citizens center.

It is frustrating not to be able to have time alone at home.

I totally agree with Piper! If you can get out of the house, do it! Take a break and enjoy your visit with your son.

Please don’t feel any guilt about taking time away from your mom.
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I'm so glad i found this posting. I think that's what is holding me hostage right now. Guilt. I've suffered from depression my entire life. And adding the care of my mother who has dementia, sheltering in place since March because of the pandemic, and getting absolutely no help from my 3 siblings as virtually paralyzed me.

I need to wrap my head around the fact that my misery may be alleviated if I accept placing my mom in a home. And I need to accept that people will say/ think horribly of my for doing so but they do nothing for me anyway.

Where do I even start? How do you even get a person into a nursing home?
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Needhelp, you could be describing my mother! It's reassuring to know I'm not alone with this kind of experience.
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Babygirl, so sad to read of your problems with taking care of your mother this year. Covid has made things even harder for everyone. You will find so many people on this forum have been through a similar experience to you. Depression, guilt and fear of what others may think of you are all common feelings and yes, they can paralyse you and prevent you from taking the steps to place your mother in proper care, and just as importantly to take care of yourself. I used to worry about what others would think of me, especially as my mother has often told lies about me to discredit me, but I have now decided that my own health must come before worrying about being judged. There is a lot of good advice on this forum and also some good general advice features on the main website. I hope this can help you find the advice you need.
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babygirlgeorgia, I feel your pain. Very similar boat.

From my understanding so far (and I hope others will chime in and correct if I am wrong) but the main considerations for facility care seem to be- financial (sad that this one has to sit at the top), the level of care the person will need, their willingness to move, when they aren't willing (most) then you have to wait until they are declared incompetent and then if you have a DPoA then you can act on your mother's behalf and place her into care even if she doesn't agree.

How far advanced is your mom's dementia? Do you have a DPoA?

I feel paralyzed too right now for the reasons you mentioned. Trying to hang on for the covid vaccine to restore some normalcy at least in that area. Then there is the continuation of dealing with my mom, the anger I am feeling right now towards both of my siblings. We just had an incident that was a "last straw" moment for me but even prior they were both very uninvolved. Fine if you want to Grey Rock our mother but throw me under the bus and I'm ready to wash my hands of both of them.

BTW- on the point about the person with dementia needing to be declared incompetent before you can activate your DPoA..... I'm not sure how that process works. I don't know if my mom's primary care can do it or not? Then there is the issue that my mom is now refusing to go to doctors if she thinks they know about her dementia. The other day I reminded her she had an upcoming appointment with her primary care and she told me she didn't like him anymore and was going to cancel the appointment.

So sorry to ramble, but sometime in early 2021 I plan to consult with an elder attorney about future placement for my mom and ask what will have to happen.
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Piper, I think you are right to consult an elder attorney. You need the right advice and help which they should be able to give you. Things are different here in the UK so I don't feel can offer any legal advice. I do however think that the carer's own health and wellbeing should form part of any consideration about what is best for the person requiring care. I've often wondered what would happen if one day we just said we couldn't do it any more and walked away from these responsibilities?
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Welcome Babygirl!

It was hard before Covid. Since Covid it is a bazillion times harder!

All I can say is that you are equally as important to your mom. You really are.

You have to take care of your physical and emotional health too.

Geeeeez, we have done so much for our moms that we become invisible to ourselves. At least I felt as if I was invisible at times.

You do what is right for you. The rest will somehow fall into place. Since my mom is no longer living with me, I feel like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders!

Many hugs!
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Babygirlgeorgia, Hope you will come onto regular forum to ask about getting your Mom into LTC (long term care). There are people who will have ideas of where to start. Welcome for the Forum.
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Babygirl Welcome,

When I realized that my Aunt in a different state, was no longer safe in her own home and refused to move near me, I toured many different facilities.
Keeping her finances in mind, I took her back to view the one I felt was the best.

Her home was in serious disrepair!! Mold, rats, mice, leaky roof and a family of raccoons in the attic. That was just the tip of the iceberg!!

I had to tell her a "therapeutic fib"(yes an actual term) to get her to vacate her home. I told her that the house was unsafe and needed repairs(the truth) and that she couldn't live in the house while repairs were being done (also the truth). So she needed to stay at ALF for awhile(the fib). I knew she would be staying permanently!
She couldn't afford the repairs, so her house was sold to pay for her care.

That was just over a year ago! And although it's still very painful and I still feel the guilt, my Aunt is very happy in her new home.
It gets a little easier as time goes on! Don't beat yourself up or let anyone else beat you up!! You're doing what YOU feel is best!!

Only you know what's best for your LO. You'll get lots of advice!!

I could have walked away, but the thought of leaving her in her home without the ability to care for herself was criminal!! She couldn't drive so she couldn't even get her basic needs. Locked away alone in her house!! Nothing short of being a "latchkey kid ".

As a side note, I was able to accomplish taking care of all her financial business as her POA even before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Having said that, getting a diagnosis from a Geriatrician would be a good idea!!

Sending prayers and ((((hugs))))!!
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Jodi,

Your aunt is blessed to have you.

It’s truly sad when a person has no one to look after them to help them become comfortable in their senior years.
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I regret it too. I am so sorry.
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TArden,

Welcome! Vent away. We understand. We are here to listen if you want to join in.

If not, browse around the forum. There are many good posts to read.
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There is additional guilt placed on women. We see this over and over again on this forum and in our families.

How many times have we read about the man being the golden child in the family?

What’s truly baffling is that it’s other women who are often doing the criticizing, shaming and guilting of women.

Enough! It is 2020! We should not even be having gender equality conversations!

Women should support fellow women.

How can we motivate others to break these unhealthy cycles?

I am thrilled that my daughters only date men that are respectful of women. Oh, like many others, they kissed a few frogs before finding a prince.

I have raised them to know that they are equally important as men.

I hate that women feel that they must be a caregiver simply because she is female.

No! No! No! This is wrong.

I have already told my girls when they said to me that they will care for me like I cared for my mom, that I did not want them to have that burden.

Do you see the burden on caregiving ever moving away from women? I have seen more male nurses. That’s encouraging.
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Well said Needhelp as always. ❤
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A big yes to that, NHWM. We see that so often on Forum. The woman is the family caregiver to both young and old; while it is better than it used to be, there are still higher expectations on the woman. Often, if an elder is taken into the home, it may even be the daughter-in-LAW, rather than the son, who does the care. Who carries the expectations.
You are correct that things are changing. But with almost all changes of this type it is slow. Years ago when I traveled to Europe for vacations I noted that the Dads had their children out of the house to playparks and walks, where in the USA it was always the Moms. Now I see many Dads having the kids out in the last several decades here. So things are changing. Just so slowly, and too late to help so many.
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Alva,

Want to hear something funny?

When my mom was in the nursing home for rehab, the DON was a man. Her doctor at the facility was a woman.

She kept calling the doctor a ‘nurse’ and the DON a ‘doctor.’

My mom has no dementia! Sexist? Oh, yeah! So she automatically assumed the woman was the nurse and the man was the doctor’

I corrected her, saying, “Mom, he is the NURSE! She is the DOCTOR!” Sometimes it’s hard for her generation to accept that women are equals!

Oh, and the modesty issue with women her age. Oh my word!

She had a bed sore that I knew nothing about because she wouldn’t let a man look at it! This is a woman who had four kids with a male doctor!

When her male doctor retired she had me find a woman doctor so she could have a woman look at the bed sore.

The doctor wasn’t that good about treating bedsores. She was great in other areas, just not wound treatment. She said to put Neosporin on it.

A nurse from home health was excellent in wound care treatment and it healed.

The sore was very low on her butt and she washed her private areas herself so it went undetected by myself and aides who bathed her.

Mom was embarrassed to mention it. She only mentioned it after it starting hurting her. I hated that she was in pain and didn’t mention it.

Her generation is so modest!

I think it would be helpful if doctors and nurses would make an inquiry about bedsores a routine question, just like asking about any recent falls. Then the elderly wouldn’t feel awkward or embarrassed to speak about it.
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Hearty welcome to babygirlgeorgia - you are now a member of our lovely "club!"

"And I need to accept that people will say/ think horribly of my for doing so but they do nothing for me anyway."

What matters is what you do to help your mother, NOT what others think. It's none of their business. You will find some of them here, thankfully not too many - it's one reason why NeedHelpWithMom wrote this! But, you do what's right for YOU AND YOUR mother! Not what someone else deems is "right."

As you noted in the same sentence, "...they do nothing for..." you anyway (and that includes family members who do nothing, but feel they have to say bad things or criticise!!!)

Hopefully you will be able to sort out how to get your mother into a good place and have the means to pay for it. There are many suggestions, here and in other postings, that might help you. Not knowing where you are located and what resources (assets/income) your mother has, it is hard to point you in the right direction. Could be Elder Law atty (if she has the means), could be Medicaid (they sometimes provide limited in-home care too.)

Again, WELCOME TO THE FOLD!
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ExhaustedPiper;

I would agree that all too often the financial aspect of any kind of facility care is a barrier. I was hoping more might check the links I posted for reading and taking action regarding care-givers:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/suggestion-to-become-active-in-promoting-caregiver-help-not-a-question-463299.htm
So far only 2 have posted (no way to know how many might have read it and taken action!)

Your additional observations are also factors:
*willingness to move
*when they aren't willing (most) then you have to wait until they are declared incompetent
*then if you have a DPoA then you can act on your mother's behalf and place her into care even if she doesn't agree.

The last one is a bit of a sticky point. THIS is what landed me on this forum. We had all that paperwork (wills, trust, POAs, etc) done before dad passed (2008.) Although mom's plans included moving to AL when she felt it was necessary, dementia throws a monkey wrench into everything! Nope. Wouldn't consider moving anywhere, esp not any kind of AL. We tried bringing in aides, to keep her in her condo longer, but less than 2 months, refused to let them in. The sticky point - atty told me we could NOT force her to move and said we would need to get guardianship. The facility we choose would NOT take her if we did that. It is also quite possible they wouldn't consider her in that much need at that point (but THEY don't see everything! a test isn't always the right way to make a determination.) So, we had to go with a plausible fib - enough to make her move, angry as a disturbed nest of bees, but she went with the bros (I stayed out of the move, did all the prep work!)

"..the anger I am feeling right now towards both of my siblings." This has been discussed often, and I was there too, but finally realized that anger doesn't affect them, only me.

"We just had an incident that was a "last straw" moment for me but even prior they were both very uninvolved. Fine if you want to Grey Rock our mother but throw me under the bus and I'm ready to wash my hands of both of them."

"Ready" should not be used in this situation! They were already uninvolved and whatever they did or said should be that last straw! Maybe sometime in the future, when all this has passed, you all can rekindle a relationship, but don't consider it absolutely necessary! If they are the type who will bring up old crap, stay away! My OB was abusive to me when we were kids (verbally AND physically.) What I didn't realize is that this IS who he is, it never really went away. After physically man-handling me, I AM DONE WITH HIM! Thankfully he lives far enough away and won't be visiting mom (couldn't handle it!!!) YB always made the few things I asked of him sound like huge imposition. By the time he can retire, mom will likely be gone, so HIS retirement will be free and clear! Now that she's had a stroke, I don't need his "help", so I am basically done with him too. Not as bad as OB, but for all his "smarts" he is pretty stupid.

"...needing to be declared incompetent before you can activate your DPoA"
It may be stipulated in the document. I never really had to do anything, I just used it when it was needed and never got any crap.
"...my mom is now refusing to go to doctors if she thinks they know about her dementia. The other day I reminded her she had an upcoming appointment with her primary care and she told me she didn't like him anymore and was going to cancel the appointment." Maybe she says she is going to cancel, but does she actually follow through? If so, can you contact them to keep it open and use some ruse to get her there? On my way one time to take mom to appt, she told me she cancelled it. I called them and they said she didn't. She had it on her calendar, but didn't follow through!

Your plan to consult with atty is probably best, so you know where you stand!
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xrayjodib;

Good job taking care of Auntie!

"As a side note, I was able to accomplish taking care of all her financial business as her POA even before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Having said that, getting a diagnosis from a Geriatrician would be a good idea!!"

Same here - no one questioned the DPOA I had. SS (and federal entity) doesn't accept it, you have to apply to be rep payee. The only time I needed something from a doc was for mom's pension, because it was federal - they have their own requirements. BUT, other than vaguely stating that she had cognitive issues and couldn't manage her affairs, there was NEVER any kind of "real" diagnosis. The nurse who came before the aides we hired DID test mom, more extensively than the test the doc office does (tried to keep mom in her own place longer - didn't work, thanks to HER!) This test was done in my mom's condo, which was more "familiar" for her, and with 2 of us present.

But, as you say, getting a good Dx can't hurt!! If it can be done, certainly go for it! If the POAs require it, then you have no choice.
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NeedHelpWithMom;

"What’s truly baffling is that it’s other women who are often doing the criticizing, shaming and guilting of women."

It is often baffling, but from some of the responses in this thread, some seem to be confusing "opinion" with "guilting". I tried to make that distinction by suggesting making your "opinion" known (keep LO home), which is FINE, IF you state it as your opinion, but acknowledge that sometimes it just doesn't work. Suggestions from these people as to how they made it work might be useful as well, but they seem to just want to state their "opinion", which comes across to others as telling the OP and others that their "opinion" and/or plans are WRONG!

All we can really do is keep trying to help whoever seeks help here and avoid feeding the opinion-makers. If enough of us are supportive of a person's need to have the LO move, we should be able to override the few dissenting opinions...

Adding to this: Moving isn't always the answer. There have been cases I've read that the OP was helped (usually UTI) resolve an issue allowing them to keep the LO home for at least a little longer! Sometimes moving might be the best answer, but finances get in the way - suggestions have helped a few there also.
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NeedHelpWithMom - my mother also had a VERY negative opinion of women doctors. VERY negative. It really seems at odds, if you think about it - women are/were the primary nurturers over the ages... Add in some medical training, they should be considered the MOST qualified, esp when it comes to "woman" problems... The ancient mindset... which sadly DOES still exist and is passed on too.
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Wonderful postings, Disgustedtoo!
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Disgustedtoo,

As usual, you're spot on!!
Tonight I also find myself near the breaking point with my siblings.
One has done literally nothing and the other (set up my Aunts phone) has basically gone MIA.
I haven't been able to call my Aunt in 2 weeks!! And he hasn't fixed the issue yet!
I can't rely on either of my brothers!! Ugh!!

NHWM,

I am ironically on the flip side of the gender equality issue.
I raised 3 kids as a single mom. I bought my own home and worked 2 jobs to make ends meet.
Long story short, I quit my job 12 years ago and became a homemaker. A concept that was VERY foreign to me.
I always get the sideways glance when someone (especially women) asks me what I do for a living!!
One of these days I might lose my composure and simply tell them "I do my hubby "!! Lol
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Jodi,

Great answer! I am in no way suggesting that women working in the home isn’t work.

Raising kids is work and is the most important work!

Same for volunteering.

I’ve done both. Worked outside of the house. Stayed home when my kids were young. Went back to work. Quit to take care of mom. Volunteered at a variety of places.

I do absolutely hate when women pit against each other. No matter what the circumstances.
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Disgustedtoo,

Sorry just saw your comment to me.
I honestly have been flying by the seat of my pants.
I haven't as of yet had any problems with SS. I signed and filed her taxes as POA last year with no questions asked. Because the mortuary notified SS of my Uncle's death, they automatically adjusted her payments. They are automatically deposited.
Now I'm a little concerned about what I may be missing or doing wrong!
You're input is greatly appreciated!!🤯
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NHWM,

Please know that I took no offense!!
Let's face it, it's not the norm anymore!
It was extremely hard for me to give up my career, but in the end, it's what works best for DH & me.
I don't regret it, however, I miss my patient interaction. And I do enjoy my volunteer work!!😊
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Jodi,

Sometimes I think about these people who win those mega power ball lotteries and never have to work again in their lifetime, and then they go bankrupt!

How in the world does that happen?

They could donate to medical research or tons of other good causes.

How do you waste that much money?

That is actually sinful to blow that much money.

I would give a lot away to charity but I can’t imagine wasting it!
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I don’t understand how misspending money is so common.

Hoarding of money is just as bad. Parents who don’t want to spend money on caregivers because they insists on leaving money to their children. That’s ridiculous!

The children make their own money. They would rather the money spent for caregivers or assisted living.

Parents want children to feel special because the parents have a few dollars in the bank and they will inherit it.

I get that they lived through the depression so they are frugal but it becomes a burden on the children to care for their parents.
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