Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
4 5 6 7 8
NHWM,

It's a drama about a fictional ranching family the Duttons.

Kevin Costner is John Dutton.
(1)
Report

Jodi,

I will do a search to see if it is broadcasted in my area and let you know if I can view it.

Would love to check out the area.
(1)
Report

Need: Left eye cataract sx was yesterday and for all intents and purposes was successful, but all told I will have 7 appointments. I have to put in 3 different eye drops for 28 days x2. On day 8, one eye drop gets eliminated.

Back to your op: Yes, absolutely - it was very disruptive to do out of state caregiving, especially since I required foot surgery myself, my DH's, my DD's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas was missed. On my own birthday, there was nothing, nada, zero, zilch done for me as my mother had suffered a stroke. My brother, my sole sibling said to me "I won't do the caregiving for mother." WOW.
(3)
Report

Llama,

Not uncommon at all. I find most caregivers end up doing the job without any help from siblings. Same here.

So glad that your have your eye surgery behind you!
(1)
Report

I just read a posting on another thread saying that her daughter will be her primary caregiver, her son will do some caregiving but she has raised her daughter to know that she will be her caregiver. She goes on to say that caregiving doesn’t effect a marriage!

Yes, she is entitled to her opinion but talk about laying on the guilt!!!

I was so annoyed by her post so much that I posted a ‘survey’ type questionnaire in the discussion section of the forum about how caregiving effects our marriage.

HOW CAN THIS MOTHER FEEL SO ENTITLED?
(1)
Report

Need: Thanks. Isn't it typical, though not always, the one kid does the caregiving?
(2)
Report

Llama,

I have seen it over and over. Your sibling didn’t help you. Mine didn’t help me.

Caregiving not only ends up being the responsibility of one person but often the siblings that don’t help try to make the person doing all of the caregiving feel guilty for not being perfect or getting tired of it all. That’s why I had to abandon all of it!

Families should support each other instead of tearing each other down. It’s sad when this happens in so many families.

How are you doing with your eye after having your surgery?
(4)
Report

Llama,
I am going to have to address the cataracts, as well. I am scared. Got that? Old RN scared of cataract surgery. If they put me OUT I wouldn't be scared; I can't STAND to be awake. Afraid I will move or something. I think it comes of having only one working eye in that the other got a vitreous separation and the scar tissue makes it not worth a lot. I love to read. Am scared of blindness I would say more than anything else. But, next year I think I am going to have to address this.Right now covid in my excuse. Tell me that, if I am brave, I can survive!
(3)
Report

Alva,

So sorry about your daughter’s friend. That’s awful!

When I was young I went on a backpacking trip through the mountains with my boyfriend and another couple.

My boyfriend told me to put my backpack up in the tree before I went to sleep in our tent.

He was an experienced hiker and camper. I wasn’t.

It was my first backpacking trip in the mountains.

He also told me not to eat in our tent.

I was tired from hiking and didn’t listen to him. I also wanted a snack so I took crackers from my backpack to snack on in our tent.

Then I went to sleep after a long day of hiking.

I felt the tent moving. I asked my boyfriend if he was shaking the tent.

He says, “I thought you were shaking the tent.”

He spotted my cracker box and says, “Why did you eat in the tent?” I told him because he didn’t catch any fish like he said he would and I was starving!

Then he asked if I put my pack up in the tree. I said that I hadn’t.

He went outside the tent and we had picked a campsite out in the wilderness, beautiful but because I ignored my boyfriend’s advice I attracted a bear!

The bear destroyed my backpack that was laying on the ground, even ate my toothpaste! LOL

I thought my boyfriend would be furious. He looked at me, smiled, then laughed and said, “You can take a girl out of the city, but not the city out of a girl!”

I love nature but I had a lot to learn.

My boyfriend was a sweetheart with a great sense of humor.

By the way, he was a good fisherman but never caught any fish on that trip!

I took his keys, walked quite a ways to his van to get the peanut butter, bread and jelly that I had packed.

My boyfriend and friends were glad I was skeptical of their fishing skills and packed stuff for sandwiches! LOL
(0)
Report

In an effort to return this post to topic, some comments have been removed. Please direct off topic posts directly to other members through use of the messaging tool.
(7)
Report

Alva,

Well I have a snake story.

My favorite part of Girl Scout camp were the early morning hikes in the woods. We saw snakes and snake eggs! It was a cool experience for us city girls from New Orleans.

Looking back I feel so sorry for the poor bus driver that had to drive energetic 12 year olds to the campground!

We were loud and crazy on the bus. Hahaha, remember that stupid song, ‘99 bottles of beer on the wall.’?

I also feel sorry for our troop leaders! LOL

Dark Shadows was a popular show back then. We decided to do a seance like they did on Dark Shadows! We were sitting in our circle, touching hands, summoning a girl’s grandpa and as soon as we asked for a sign the troop leader knocked on our cabin door!

We screamed! We got into trouble for screaming so loud! Hahaha

The troop leader told us to go to sleep but we weren’t tired so we played cards for a bit, then decided to take all of the toilet paper in the bathroom stalls and roll the troop leaders cabins and cars!

LOL, 12 year olds are obnoxious! Aren’t they?

Maybe taking care of seniors that have obnoxious behavior is payback! Hahaha, Karma!
(0)
Report

Don’t you think people are feeling even more guilty about facility care more now because of Covid?

It’s really hard because no one wants to see anyone die in a facility. Still, they can’t care for them at home. It’s an awful situation to be in.

So many have died in facilities. People need encouragement as caregivers. Enough of the guilt, whether it is placed on themselves or by others.
(2)
Report

There are threads that have thousands of comments and many are not on topic.

I am all for posts regarding blatant religious beliefs or anything else that others use to cause guilt to be removed!

The rest don’t bother me if they aren’t offensive.
(4)
Report

Well I don’t want to start anything but it seems like there has been a lot of judgement lately towards people who want to place their LO in a care facility instead of take care of them at home. All because it’s “safer”. And just my honest opinion as usual but I don’t think that’s universally true. I think each situation is unique. Some families can provide a safer environment. Some cannot. Some families have essential workers in their household and they HAVE to work outside the home (gentle reminder they in order for all us to quarantine at home & have groceries and other goods delivered to our doorstep, it means we are passing on the risk to someone else who cannot stay home!). Then there is the quality of quality. Some people can provide better care themselves (with or without outside caregivers coming in). Some people cannot. For my family, if one of my parents could no longer take care of themselves, a facility would be safer. The environment would be more controlled. I have children who’s needs must be considered and we simply can not isolate ourselves at home because we have an elderly family member in the house. My husband works outside the home and is exposed to lots of viruses and infectious diseases (friendly reminder that COVID isn’t the only threat!). And then there’s me. *I* would be the caregiver. And I know my limits. I cannot do it. Its not in my blood. I can manage dr appointments, I can play taxi driver and take my parents to the dr and advocate for them, I can cook and clean but that’s it. I cannot play therapist, I cannot be the entertainment committee and the complaints department. I sure as hell cant bathe and change depends and empty catheters! I don’t have the ability to give up my life to take care of an elder, I don’t have the patience. So my parents would get better care in a facility and they would be safer as the environment would be more controlled.

So it seems like there is so much guilt and grief thrown at OPs who place their LOs and I think is important to remember that every situation is different and home isn’t always safer, it isn’t always best. And the last thing we need to do is judge and send people on guilt trips!
(7)
Report

I'll say this: My mother has been living in AL since 2014 (dad was too, till he died in 2015). My mother will be 94 in Jan & I will tell you this: She would have died LONG ago had she NOT been living in AL! Why? Because the staff catch illness immediately. They deal with her 50+ falls immediately by picking her up off the floor and checking vitals, doing a full body check for skin tears, etc. There is a doc who comes in weekly and/or on call as needed to address the ENDLESS issues my mother has. Endless medications, endless problems, pain, rashes, urine tests, ALL OF IT. How would I do that for her at home? I wouldn't be able to. Period. The caregivers change her daily, wash the sheets she wets every night; apply cream to her legs, etc etc. The quality of care she gets at her AL (Memory Care now) is 24/7 and it's complete. They've caught pneumonia 2x so far, once where it was treated immediately with antibiotics and no hospitalization was required; once where hospitalization & rehab was required.

My point is, a GOOD AL or SNF provides 24/7 care that one human at home cannot, no matter what they think or say. Not to mention, most of us work for a living and would be leaving the elder home alone for 10 hours at a pop, with nothing to do, nobody to talk to, no care provided............that's the truth. Plus, there's no fighting and screaming matches going on in the ALs like there commonly IS at home. People think they're giving their loved one the moon by taking them in, and meanwhile, lots of them fight like cats & dogs. The resentment is through the roof & lots of relationships are DESTROYED in the process of doing what they think is 'the right thing.'

The 'right thing' differs according to each family situation. That's an important factor to keep in mind!
(7)
Report

Cali,

I respect you for KNOWING your limitations and NOT trying to force yourself to follow through with home caregiving like I did.

It simply doesn’t work and we become riddled with anxiety, depression and possibly burn out as well.

So good for you knowing your limitations.

Please keep sharing this important message that people should know their limitations before committing to full time caregiving.

Great points in your entire post, Cali!
(4)
Report

Lea!

Exactly! Home care is not right for every situation!

Your mom is getting the proper care. This gives you peace of mind. It’s not about parents not wanting to be in a facility. It’s about what is BEST for THEM!!!

I agree with your thoughts.
(3)
Report

Appreciate the return to topic.
I have always been one to say I know my own limitations. I could never provide 24/7 care, and I had the greatest parents and elder brother ever created. It is on me. I would not be capable of that going in. I never much expected myself to be super-human, and I sure am not. While I was a nurse I just loved it. But as I always said, 8 hour shift, lots of vacation time, lots of days off, and 16 hours to recuperate between any shift made that easy to love.
We see many here who decide otherwise, and do give in home care to those they love. I couldn't admire them more.
The real key here is to know who we are, what we are capable of, and to do the very best we do....lovingly.
(4)
Report

Well said, Alva!
(2)
Report

Canadian Virtual Hospice has a good article on Considerations for a Home Death, and when it comes right down to it that's the ultimate goal of most people who give care at home.

https://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Decisions/Considerations+for+a+Home+Death.aspx
(1)
Report

I would like to respond to a post if I may.

As far as religion is concerned, I NEVER have and NEVER would use my religious beliefs to make someone feel guilty. That would be so ridiculous of me to try to force my beliefs on someone else.

If someone feels guilty because I was "HONEST" or because of my "OPINION", that is on them, not me.
(1)
Report

NeedHelp, yes, in answer to your question about Covid, it sure does add a whole other aspect to this question. People already suffer so in making a decision about facility care. I like to tell them they feel grief over an inability to make it work, not guilt. They are doing there best. Then along comes Covid 19. It adds not just to the fear that their elder will become ill, but it adds an almost insurmountable burden for the elder and the family in not being able to see, visit with, comfort and hug one another. Honestly it is quite unimaginable the grief in all of that. We have people just today posting about how their loved one is on hospice care and they can only visit when they are actively dying, and how can they know when THAT will be. It is heartbreaking. Purely and simply heartbreaking for all concerned. We have seen people taking elders home, because they are so very desperate. This is for our whole world right now, such a problem.
(4)
Report

Thanks cwille,

I will definitely read it. We should all keep up to date on healthcare.

Appreciate your sharing it.
(2)
Report

Alva,

True, these are heartbreaking situations. We grieve long before a person dies.

We can’t deny though that some people make it a mission of theirs to tear people down by laying on the guilt trips instead of lifting them up with encouragement and support.

As Cali, Lea and many, many others have said, caregiving at home isn’t always what is best for the elderly parents or the family members.

Sad but true and why is it usually someone who doesn’t even have a family member in their home that they care for?

According to the most recent news, it looks like the UK will be getting the vaccine before the US.

Should be interesting to see how it goes for them.

Let’s hope our UK posters will share some of their experiences with us.
(3)
Report

Cali,

Well said and so applicable to my current situation!

My DH is a physician. 10 % of his office staff has contracted Covid. We're holding our breath that he doesn't bring it home!!

NHWM, I very well could be the daughter in the "I raised my daughter to be my caregiver " post! Lol

Despite the Covid threat in my own home, NM still wants to come from ALF for a couple days over Christmas. She tells me that she "Needs some pampering " after what she's been thru!!

REALLY???
(6)
Report

Jodi,

I pray all of you stay safe!

Pampering?
I would not let her go to your home!

Geeeeez.
(2)
Report

Need: Well, at least you and I can hold our heads high with caregiving done.
(3)
Report

Llama,

Yes, we can.
(2)
Report

Well my mother's daily rage and fury continues. Today my son is coming back from Uni after 9 very restrictive weeks due to Covid lockdown. I am dashing about the house to make the place seem welcoming when he arrives: bedroom ready, nice food for lunch, general tidying up. Mother is in a big sulk as "the TV has gone wrong". She had just pressed the wrong button! I soon corrected it but am pretty stressed as very busy. No thank you for this, just a "well I'm sorry I'm so much bother!". She then switched it off as didn't want to watch it anyway! I'm thinking we might take a nice long walk this afternoon to leave her to fume to herself. The supported living trial is 4 weeks away. I am on my knees. It can't come soon enough.
(4)
Report

I just think I'm quite cross that what should be a happy homecoming has been hijacked by mother's continued selfish behaviour, in part because today is not all about her.
(3)
Report

4 5 6 7 8
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter