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Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -Oscar Wilde-


I came across this quote and it hit home with me today. I realized that my Mom is very selfish. I think most of my fellow caregivers have family that are selfish like this.


My parents had me because they wanted children. They raised me to LEAVE the NEST. They didn't pay for my college, my house or anything once I left the nest. I had my kids because I wanted children. I don't want my children to raise me when I am old.


I am on the last day of respite provided by Hospice, (Thank the good Lord for Hospice!!!!!) Before I bring her home tomorrow, we are having a meeting about Mom. The Dr. told her this is as good as it's going to get and that she can't walk without assistance. Mom was getting up by herself and falling all the time. Once the Dr. left she told me she is going to prove him wrong and get better. They are going to try and get her to understand that she just doesn't have the stability to get up and walk alone. (Good luck).


Anyway..... I decided that although I can't force her into assisted living or a Nursing home, I don't have to be the full time caregiver anymore. I plan to tell her what I am willing to help her with and anything beyond that SHE will have to be the adult and figure it out. I will no longer be at her 24/7 beck and call. I will no longer put my husband and children on the back burner. I have given up over 2 years of my life to be her servant and I am no longer willing or able to do that. If she wants to stay in her home, there are agencies she can call for the assistance she needs.
I have read so many stories similar to mine and I hope this give some the ability to separate love and servitude. We are NO slaves. We are children that love our parents but that doesn't mean we are to sacrifice our own lives to be slaves to the whims of our spoiled relatives. Yes, the spoiling was my own fault. When you hear that your parent has 6 mo or less, of course you want to make it the best possible time. Whoever, it is going on 3 years and she is just fine given her condition. I'm not going to do the 24/7 for the next 10 years. I am not going to feel guilty or get sucked in to her guilt trips anymore. I am done with the anger, the tantrums and the constant need for attention.
I will let you all know how it goes. Keep the faith, friends.


Thanks all!
SanityFOUND =D

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Thank you & soooooo glad you have found your balance.
GOD bless & protect you & your loved ones.
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I agree with you 100% I am in your boat as right now and keep asking god to take care of things. Part of me also knows that she likes being at home, but to me ,it just doesnt work. she needs more professional care . Hugs
(1)
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I have a selfish demanding and controlling 87 year old mother who believes that I should take care of her, as she can't walk well supposedly but uses her walker but is able to walk faster when she needs to, and is going blind due to glaucoma but refuses to be seen by her doctor. I suppose she wants to be declared blind because she wants attention. She lives on her recliner day and night. I live about 70 miles away from her. I love my mother but I have my life with my husband and I'm not doing well. I stopped visiting her because she fights with me. Now my family has disowned me which I have learned to accept for my well being. I would never expect my children to take care of me later in life because I'm understanding and considerate. I did not bring my children into this world to take care of me. They have their own lives to live as they should.
(6)
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Well said, SanityFOUND. Amen. And please do keep us posted!
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I thought my sister wrote this! She moved in to take care of our ailing father, and now that he's passed our mother has become the bigger pain in the ass. She spent her entire life trying to change our father and they spent their whole lives fighting. We thought his death was going to make her happy, but she's just not a happy person, so she continues to make my sister feel like an intruder. She'll go through my sister's closet and dresser drawers saying she's "looking for something." She's always been selfish, it's just getting worse with age. Thank you so much for stating what we've been feeling for so long. And keep us posted. We all need support!
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you don't know how much better you have made me feel- my mothers is so selfish we cant even go on holiday without a backlash and nastiness when we return- and it has made me ill putting up with nasty comments- I have decided enough is enough- thank you for taking the time to write your own experience which has helped me a lot
(3)
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I truly thought I was the only one that finally had the nerve to stand up and say that my mother is selfish. She had back surgery that went wrong. Wound up with an emergency ileostomy. I lost my son suddenly in between the two surgeries. I have been the one that has learned how to do everything with her ostomy. She refuses to learn. I am done. Am going home next week come Heck or High Water. She has really turned up the nasty dial this past week. I have permanent nerve damage too, but have learned to deal with it. Instead of a pedometer that clicks off how many steps you take, I wish someone would make one that clicks off how many times she tells me in a day that she hurts. Let the other one's call and she calls them baby this, baby that, how are you, even the bitch sister that stole her pain med's. So this grieving mother that has self dubbed myself pot liver in her eyes is hitting the road and going home to my husband and one living child. Pray I make it until next weekend then I am headed out of here and WILL NOT be back for a very long time. Sorry to vent but I have really had the hardest 3 days yet with her. If I hear her tell me 1 more time that I am no better with the death of my son, and she knows how I feel because she lost my father, I am going to a hotel. She has no idea how I feel. I lost my child, not my husband.
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grievingmother, I am so sorry. How long ago was it that you lost your son? I am so glad you're going home to be with your family. Grief is not a competition, and I don't think much can compare to losing a child suddenly. I hope you find some comfort with your family.
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Get the h*ll out of there and go be with your husband and son. They are grieving too, and the three of you need each other. She doesn't deserve you. The loss of a child is devastating. I know first hand. Save yourself and your family . Go home and let her OTHER children deal with her. My sincerest condolences on your horrible loss. God bless you.
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First Boni, I wish that neither one of us belonged to this horrible club that we sure didn't ask to join. Special hugs to you. My son will be gone 2 years Saturday. My husband and son are coming on Friday and we are going to the cemetery and spend time there and head home from there. He was my husband step-son and my other son's half brother. Yes they have grieved but will quickly tell you in does not compare to mine. I left my son's father when he was 4 because he loved drugs more than us. I worked 2 and 3 jobs to make it. Never drew a dimes assistance. I was a single mother for 8 years and it was just me and my son. We were glued to the hips. My son and I are originally from here, and we both always said if something happened to one of us we wanted to be buried at home. Never dreaming it would happen, but I honored his wish. I will be buried next to him as my husband wants to be cremated. Thank you all for your words. I wish I had found this site long before now. Hugs to all.
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Oh the relief of reading these comments! I have a mother who is in the later stages of pulmonary hypertension, who cannot walk to the car un assisted now, who has refused to go into care, who has stated that she prefers to paddle her own canoe but cannot exist without help each day, who has told me to "go to blazes you b*tch" when I have discussed care options, and told her I can no longer stay in her home 3 days a week. Her home, her rules (no using the oven, only the microwave, taped up all the security lights so that no one can turn them off if they want to sit on the deck for 10 mins respite from it all, ad infinitum. I have felt incredibly guilty, sad for her, furious with her, and yet 7 years ago when our sister was terminally ill with cancer and Mum herself was hale and hearty, she made herself as scarce as possible with the inhome nursing of her own daughter, abscented herself when we were all putting in for the headstone, when pushed thought just a small plaque was plenty... God this is hard. Somehow I will have to reconcile all this, any arguments bring on a breathlessness attack which ends in an ambulance to hospital. We are tired of all this and over it, and she is grieving we know for the wellness that she had. That's all in a nut shell, thanks for the opportunity to say all this and send it out into cyberspace.
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I have a mother-in-law who lost her husband 4 years ago. She immediately turned into this person who expect her grown children and her grandsons to maintain all of her home needs. She wants wood cut for fireplace even though she has gas heat. She has to have her son (my husband) plow her driveway because it has to be done a special way. Every time we go over she talks about herself and what she is doing with friends and she always goes in a round about way of asking for help. Ex: Can you show me how to use the chainsaw to cut that tree down. Can you show me how to use the four wheeler so I can plow my driveway etc. She drinks so much at night she has fell 5 times in these past 4 years. She calls my husband up at night drunk and cries. My husband had to go through 2 years of grief counseling to deal with the loss of his dad and also how his mom puts a strain on our marriage. He would just be nice and do everything she asks but I am the one who says she needs our help but not for her home maintaining needs. She needs grief counseling and AA help. By the way she has lots of money but expects us to do everything so she doesn't have to pay anyone. She was told by her dr. to see a counselor and she did for 3 visits and said she doesn't need it anymore. Now the most difficult thing right now is her neighbors. She has two families that are very nice. They are our age but have smaller children. ( By the way we live 40 minutes away from her.) The two dads go over to her house a lot and are now helping her. We will visit her and she says what she needs done and if we don't do it right away, these men help her. Then we get to hear about how great they are! They just keep doing more and more and she keeps throwing it in our face more and more. My husband has had a lot of health issues these past few years. He threw his back out and had surgery and has dealt with pneumonia 3 times in the past four years. I want him to say something about his moms guilt trips because it makes me furious. I don't want to be around her anymore. He refuses and says we just should put up with it because she is old. I don't know how to handle it anymore and I am just mad and argue with my husband about it cause there is no resolution. My brain cannot comprehend this selfishness.
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Ladyel103, I could have written your post. When you said, "She lives on her recliner night and day and I live 70 miles away from her" I saw myself to a "T."
My parents are 82 (mom) and 86 (dad) and they want to live at their home until they die. My husband and I are both teachers, and our jobs are demanding. I am the closest sibling so the caregiving falls on me. With that said, my siblings are the first in line to tell me what a horrible person I am and how wrong my decisions are when it comes to "their" parents. I am already feeling better just reading your posts, but I still want to know how you have all managed to extricate yourself from the guilt when you decide to cease being at their (mostly mom's) beck and call?
(1)
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It is good to know that I am not alone. Being a caregiver is a tremendous sacrifice! Selfishness on the part of the one being cared for makes you not want to assist. They are attention seekers & think everything should evolve around them. For crying out loud, if someone sacrifices their efforts, time and money not to mention privacy it would appear they would be grateful. It is not an expectation that my mother should be in the same condition at 71 that she was at 18 however I tried to get her to enjoy her golden years prior to the stroke. She has many children yet only one has remained on course. She has the audacity to get an attitude when placed in respite!
Goldilocks2
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My husband had a conversation with the Community Home Health people a few weeks ago regarding assistance for my parents in their home. We were told the agency cannot initiate the conversation and my parents have to make the call. With that said, the representative was very helpful in describing the various "types" of elderly people with whom they work. When she began describing the "diva" I saw my mom again and again. What I am realizing is this is a no-win situation for me. I will never be able to do enough and so I appreciate so much the comments of sanityLost.
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Your mothers sound narcissistic and what you have to do is set boundaries and detach. Learn abut narcissism. There are some other threads about negativity narcissism, dysfunction etc. They manipulate using FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to get you to do their bidding. They want servants, not children. I too lost a son and had no sympathy or support from my mother - just "get over it". I gave her a picture of him on a holiday where he has taken both of us to the mountains that he loved and she wanted to revisit. She gave me the picture back. You need to protect yourself. (((((hugs))))
(2)
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I think most of you are the selfish ones who think their parents selfish at the end of their lives. Your children will be the same with you. What goes around comes around.
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devoted, you obviously have never walked in the shoes the folks here have to wear, day after day, 24/7. Your comment is needlessly harsh and cruel.
(8)
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I should add that "devoted" seems to labor under the delusion that everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Sadly, that's not the case.
(5)
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devoted, Your 'one post ever', trollish behavior reveals you to be devoted to utter nonsense devised to make the unsuspecting feel bad. Go troll elsewhere.
(2)
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wow i'm so thankful reading this i thought there was only me going through this i thought others mothers were nice little old ladies who bake and say nice things while ive got hitler in knickers.
(4)
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Hitler in knickers has many twins! Mine is 103 and still slices people up with her tongue -and she never baked! ((((((hugs)))) It is hard.
(2)
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We will only be truly free when these monsters die
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Lynn - I am glad that you have your freedom now. (((((hugs))))). Hope you have the best Christmas yet.
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My mother has always been selfish. I am her full time caregiver now and her actions are wearing on my soul, never mind my blood pressure and wallet. She is an alcoholic, smoker and has a gambling addiction which she denies. She has scerosis of the liver from drinking which is a nightmare if anyone knows the effects of a bad liver..... OMG. She can barley walk, doesn't eat (unless I cook or buy food), doesn't grocery shop but somehow manages to go to the store to buy cigarette and wine coolers! She smokes in the house with no consideration of my or my cats health. The house constantly stinks like cigarettes and dog piss because she doesn't let the dogs out when I'm at work. She bought 3 toy poodles after my dad died that she can't take care of anymore. I pay for everything mind you!! 6 years ago when my father passed my mom drank her face off and ended up in the hospital. This caused me to leave my beautiful home on Cape Cod and move to the arm pit of America, Central Florida... Rednecks and old people. Not a place for a educated 43 year old single man. When I moved her I took a 80,000 a year pay cut. My mom has pissed away $675,000 in 6 years at the casino and bars and now doesn't have a dime to her name accept SS. She refuses help or assisted living. I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. Ive reached out for advise but the people I've asked never experienced addiction and liver disease with their parents and the advise I'm given is not plausible. I can't just abandon my mother but I want too.... It's so frustrating I feel like my life sucks right now.
(4)
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So sorry, mike
I hope someone has some words of experience to share with you
(1)
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Mike, you say you're at a crossroads: okay, what are the options?
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Mike, the first thing you should do it start your own thread. This one is years old and most people have probably stopped reading it.

I love your description of Central Florida - that's where I moved too for my mother and I too consider it the armpit of America. The hot, sweaty armpit. UGH!! Rednecks in pickups and seniors, oh my! My same reaction. I don't think you could have pried me out of Cape Cod, though. I've wanted to live there my whole life. I left Eastern Pennsylvania, which has its own problems.

You need to get out of there. She refuses help only as long as she has a better solution - you! However, before you walk out you need to know that you may have stepped into an even worse pile of carp than you realize. Florida has criminal laws about elder abandonment/neglect and a history of enforcing them. If I were you I'd put some sort of system in place, like someone to check on her every 24 hours and call police for a wellness check if she doesn't let them in. Have them call 911 if she's on the floor in a drunken stupor or has set the house on fire.

The other thing you could do is stop trying to avoid an emergency by making her eat, limiting her booze, whatever she does. Next time there's an emergency call 911. Once she's in the hospital, explain that you were visiting from out of state and can't stay with her at home. They'll have to place her in care or make other arrangements. You need to get out of there.
(4)
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Mike - you are in a terrible situation. As Carla says, next time she goes to hospital tell them you cannot take her home as you are unable to care properly for her and don't allow yourself to be be convinced otherwise by anyone. She needs institutional care. Even if due to HIPAA her doctor can't speak with yow, you could write out your concerns and give them to her doctor who may be able to take some steps. I agree, don't try to avoid an emergency. Attend some ALANON meetings for families of alcoholics. They should be abke to give you some guidance. Contact your local Agency for Aging and Social Services who may have resources/ideas for you. Leaving her alone with the proper services in place is an option. You need to look after yourself and things will only get worse.
(7)
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Mike, other posters have given you excellent advise. Put the plan in action as far as having others check on your mom and RUN!!!! Your life is passing you by. I will keep you and all of my aging care Webbie friends in my thoughts and prayers. I could write the book and win first place if I told all about my selfish mom. She abandoned me when I was a year old only to force her way back in my life after I got married and had my children. She did this only to milk me dry, financially, emotionally and mentally. She died last year and I would be telling a big fat lie if I said that I shed the first tear. I was so stupid that I never stopped trying to make her into a good person. Thanks for this thread. I feel better after sharing just that little bit of the mountains of selfishness that she was. I am OK, now. I don't need counseling over this, after all I am the retired psychology nurse. These sort of things will sneak up on us humans and we will be completely and totally involved before we know it.
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