I have legal guardianship over my 89 year old mother, who has dementia. She is in complete denial about her dementia and refuses to believe there is ANYTHING wrong with her. She has been diagnosed by a doctor and many people have talked to her about it, but she just dismisses it all.
We have recently found that she is urinating in her bed at night and there is spoiled food in her refrigerator and she even had a BM in her bed.
My sister has been caring for her, but she is not well and it is becoming a terrible burden, emotionally and physically.
We found a very good independent living place for her that has an apartment available now. She can transition to assisted living there and we can add services as she needs them. She thinks she needs nothing and is FLATLY refusing to move. I have the legal authority to make her move, but I will probably have to have her physically restrained and moved to do that.
Should I do that?
Step 1. Secure a spot in a facility that you think she would like. You may want to ask her doctor for a short-term prescription for her anxiety (e.g. Ativan).
Step 2. Prepare the room with furnishings and belongings from her home that are familiar to her.
Step 3. Take her out to dinner, or invite her to stay with you overnight.
Step 4. Instead of taking her back home, take her to the assisted living facility. Be sure that as many of her close family and friends are there as possible. Approach this like an intervention. Have a script and stick to it. Write down a list of reasons why she is there and laminate it so that she can see it every time she forgets. It is helpful to remind her that she needs to do this for the people that love her.
The first few weeks are most difficult. But as she starts to socialize with people her own age she will come to like her new home.
Don't be afraid to enlist the help of a geriatric psychiatrist. Also, the staff at the assisted living facility can be quite helpful as they have seen this same scenario multiple times.
I cared for my demented husband for 10 years in our home. I never promised him I would not place him in a care center. I always promised him that I would never abandon him and I would also do my best to ensure he had the best care possible. We talked about the possibility that might involve placement. We were both glad that wasn't necessary, but I would not have been so selfish to keep him home if that wasn't best for him.
My mother (dementia, severe pain from arthritis) is living in my sister's home, and visiting me one long weekend a month. (Other family members also provide respite care.) By getting in-home help, we gave Mom about 5 extra years in her own apartment. Now she is getting help in a family home. But if her dementia progresses to where she needs more help than can be provided at home, we are all agreed to find her the best care center we can.
Recently Mom was in a transitional care unit of a nursing home, for about a month. She loved the food! Family members who ate with her thought it was good, too. She never asked to go home. She seemed to be getting good care. Her sister who was in a care center for several years thought the food there was great. She went there voluntarily, after working there as an LPN.
Not all care centers are the worst. Dying first is not always an option.
Staying at home without care, with poor care, or with the wrong care can be pretty bad, too.
Pandoralou, I am not sure Mom is a good candidate for independent living, so I am glad the place you are considering has a whole range of care available. If "independent" is more acceptable to Mom, that may be a good way to start the transition to more appropriate care.
Never kid yourself-a home is hell. Surrounded by others who are sick. No thanks. Better to die first somehow.
I have, through caring for my parents. Food the worst. Care, the worst.
I think you did the right thing with your mom. Try to keep her distracted from the subject and after a few months she will begin to consider it home. It will just take time.
I'm in the same boat the original poster was. My mom has increasing dementia and ALZ but refuses any care or assistance. She is distrustful of all outsiders and now is becoming distrustful of me (just her paranoia). She hung up on me the other day because she thinks I'm "gas-lighting her". She believes I live in town (I'm 6 hrs away) and claims I call her and stop by every couple days. I know she is confused. I've taken her twice to Dr. and they have said she has "memory problems" but they can't share anything with me (she took away my right to info) and they have not called in senior services for evaluation at her home (I made request to dr to do so). She did the "stop-lighting" thing with Dr where she could answer some of his questions and seemed competent during the visit. She cancelled subsequent visits and the Dr said there isn't anything they can do. I really don't want to go to court (I don't even know if I have a legal POA - she says I do thru her attorney but has never let me see it; I never have spoken to the attorney nor signed anything -- Can she do this on her own and have on file without my signature?). I'm just waiting for something bad to happen and then I will go to court. I keep waiting to know when that will be....I love her; want to care for her but she is distrustful and mean regarding this.
Pandora, I am glad that you haver guardianship and your mum is now in an ALF. please know that you have done and are doing what is best for her, even if she does not like it. You have acted lovingly, and responsibly, and have no rational reason to feel guilty. Life brings changes for us all, and each of us had to adjust to them the best we can.I think your mum will in time.
Losi - has your mum had a complete evaluation re the dementia? Perhaps you could get some help from social services or the agency on aging in her area. Sounds like some professional advice would be helpful
Plus, when I was dealing with toddlers I was in my twenties and in good health. Many of our posters are in their forties or fifites, or like me, in our sixties, and often have some health issues of our own. Does that matter? Oh my goodness! I wish I could say I have the strength, stamina, and energy I had in my twenties, but sadly that would not be true.
A person past middle age caring for an impaired elder is NOT like a young mother caring for a two-year-old. It just is not.
Balderdash!
Having done both, I know for a fact that changing the nappies on a 35-pound toddler is not remotely like changing the incontinence pants on a 120-pound adult, who may be totally unresponsive deadweight, or actively agressive. The entire experience is totally different. And with a toddler you have the assurance that eventually this little critter will be toilet trained, and before he gets too big for you to manage. With the adult you know that this is forever, and will probably get worse.
Feeding an adult who has swallowing problems, or unhealthy and very vocal tastes is not remotely like feeding a toddler.
Finding and affording respite care for an impaired adult is not remotely like hiring the highschool student down the block to babysit occasionally.
I have done both, and I gotta tell you, caring for a two-year-old is NOT AT ALL COMPARABLE to caring for an impaired adult. No way. Not at all.
As it happens, the impaired adult in my life is my husband, and I have chosen to keep him home as long as I can. Lots and lots of factors go into the decision about what is best when an adult can no longer live independently. Each case needs to be decided on its unique basis. But the claim that caring for such a person is like caring for a two-year-old is not a valid factor to consider. It just is flat-out NOT TRUE.
The assisted living that we are looking at is 10 minutes from my home so she would be very close. It is even a place that will take her dog. She would also no longer be alone. She would have people her age to talk with.
Each situation is different. You have to do, first of all, what is best for you and your family. Lifestyle and dynamics in your home will change dramatically. Caregiving has been the most physically and emotionally draining experience of my life. I am glad were we able to help Mother but it is time to make other arangements.
It is a good lesson for all of us to get our ducks in a row regarding our own long term care.
Since I posted originally, we have gone to court and been appointed guardians for my mother and moved her into assisted living. While she is safe, she is not happy. I am hoping that will change. I wonder if I did the right thing, but we were totured by our guilt and fear about allowing her to live alone at 89 with dementia. Now we are tortured by our guilt that she is so unhappy there and wants to leave. It is so difficult, but we have been told by everyone that we have done the right thing. We are really hoping that she acclimates and feels more at home there eventually. She has only been there for 3 weeks and I know that any change to a person with dementia is difficult. My mom was the same as yours, thought she needed nothing and nobody to help her and she was just fine. We knew she was not. I guess you just have to be strong and do what you know is right for her. Take comfort that your actions are motivated by love and in that, they cannot be wrong.