She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Even more painful is the selfish and insensitive mother who treats others so kind.
And if you are the scapegoat for your mother, others in the family may treat you the same way.
That is why we cling to our pets for comfort, and why it is easier to give comfort to our cats (pets).
See you over there...on the cats thread.
As for my mother, I know what she is like, but as is the case for so many others on this forum as well as for me, the selfishness and insensitivity is still so damaging when you are faced with it, at a time when you could really use some kindness instead. I think we can all fall into the trap of hoping (in vain as it turns out) that just for once they will show some compassion….
So very sorry for your loss of Uncle and cousin. 🌹🌹
And the sad diagnosis of your cat being terminal. 😿
You know that you can talk about it here....
You will also receive continual support on the 'Caregivers Cats behaving badly.
This is so sad....
@Scapegoat: YOU have every right to a happy, guilt free existence too, you know! My DD says the same thing about narcs and karma and that my mother is alive at 95 precisely b/c she's getting her due for all the pain she's caused others her whole miserable life. But guess what? Her extended life is causing ME extended pain & misery!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
Because old narcissists get what they deserve in the end.
Karma, baby.
Let go of the guilt!
Your children matter more than your guilt
I called her Sunday and she had switched the story such that I am at fault- told her friends and some of our family members that she fell because “I was in a hurry”- I wasn’t, and never told her I was, had brought her magazines and books and was sitting outside while she went in to get something. I wanted to sit outside just in case I could be carrying any flu or covid viruses- when she fell inside, I ran in after I heard a loud thump. Had to help her up on her feet- and found in addition to this booby trap, she had brought more throw rugs into the house- I threw them all away six months ago. There always has to be a bad guy, it can never be her fault- and this is just another event in years and decades of abuse.
I am as you are- tired of the abuse. I am taking two weeks off from her- told her I have family members who tested positive for Covid- which is true, though they are asympomatic- and that she needs to get all of her listeners to pitch in. This is a mental health break and I am taking it!
My 80 year old mother ( I’m close to 50) is so negative that I can’t bear to spend time with her anymore. She is extremely critical, lecturing me about everything When I do spend time with her I’m walking on eggshells and get extremely anxious now before I visit her.
Our relationship has deteriorated ever since I met my husband seven years ago, before that, I lived close to her and our relationship was good, and at that stage I didn’t realise how much she has negatively affected my life.
I have spent the last several years trying to defend myself ( Ever since I got married at the age of 44) and the adult decisions I make but it all came to a head last year when I told her that she will not be coming to Christmas day lunch with my husbands 5 children ( my step children) and their partners and that we will be seeing her separately on Christmas Eve instead. She accepted it when my husband was sitting with me and we told her the new plans, but the next day she called me crying and implying that I don’t care about her and why wouldn’t I want to spend the day with my own Mother? I then received an email saying “Do you know how high the suicide rates on Xmas day are?” I stood up to her for the first time ever and told her that the decision has been made and that’s the way it was going to be moving forward. I will not going to be emotionally blackmailed now or ever and that if she is contemplating suicide that she should call life line. I was so angry with her that I just came out with it all!
My husband and his children have included my Mother at Xmas day events for the last 5 years and as his 89 year old mum doesn’t come either now so we decided that hubby’s kids should be able to see their own father with out my judgemental, critical, negative Mother at the table year after year.
Fast forward this years Christmas, and I have have just told her the plan is the same as last year and again she argued and cried and acted shocked and how could I do this to to her?
I have a brother and a sister who live out of state but never come for Xmas as my Mother has a problem with my brothers wife and her own granddaughter told me she “gets anxiety” when she speaks to grandma. I honestly believe the siblings escaped years ago and I just couldn’t see it.
My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my Father was a drinker and Mum blamed the whole thing on him. My sister became estranged from him and never spoke to him again before he died.
im starting to wonder if it was my Mum’s fault, the constant criticism, nothing ever been good enough and the stress that she likes to feel whenever she gets the chance. I honestly don’t know how they lasted 21years. I remained very close to my Dad as he was a very chilled, relaxed, happy person at the end of his life and he loved me and was proud of me. I think I sensed there was something wrong with my Mothers emotional responses at a very young age.
My relationship with Mum was not always bad as long as I went along with most of the negative things that she thinks of, as soon as I started questioning her our relationship changed.
i have felt hurt that all the things I have included my Mother in are just forgotten even though I’ve been the only child in the state for 20 years, I have felt extreme frustration as she triggers me every time we speak, I have felt immense sadness that she has become this miserable person. The complex range of emotions have been extremely challenging but I am lucky my husband is so supportive.
My mother wasn’t always like this, I do understand its not easy with health problems and ageing in general and I love her and want what’s best for her, but I feel her toxicity and it’s becoming intolerable.
I am supposed to be seeing her this week and sadly I’m not looking forward to it. :((
Thank you for this forum x
x
Goodluck respectfully,
Brindi
Your story could be mine. I have gone 11-1/2 months between 'talks' with mom. It would have been a solid year or more, but she needed me to do something.
She was totally unaware that we had not spoken from Thanksgiving of one year to 2 weeks before Christmas of the NEXT year.
I was driving her to Bingo for about 8 weeks until I had to have a major ankle/foot surgery which has sidelined me for the last 9 weeks and probably the next month before I can really walk 'normally'.
She would find an excuse to call me every Monday before Bingo with some fake 'need' and to remind me that Tues. was Bingo. As soon as I had to step out, she stopped calling. Never called to check to see how I was doing post surgery---nothing. I am unsure whether or not I will return to being her 'ride' to Bingo. I'm not mad, I'm just sick of being treated like this.
I am being ghosted. All I can figure is it's because I moved away, she expects me to read her mind and is possibly jealous. Mom has always used the silent treatment to register disapproval, but she's really dug in this time. Hasn't phoned me in close to a year, blamed that on me (you're too busy, she says, even though I repeatedly told her she can call me anytime) and reluctantly got on the phone when I called dad. I was feeling hurt by the sulky behavior and one word answers so I don't ask to speak to her anymore.
I did send a brief note, told her I loved her, accepted her choice to be non-communicative, and if she ever changed her mind my phone lines are open. Ball is in her court. I don't expect I will hear from her anytime soon, because that would signal defeat and Mom is never, nor has ever been wrong. 😳
I now see the verbal abuse and how she was emotionally withdrawn to us, especially her daughters. I was the youngest, by many years and an "accident" as I was reminded of often, also my birth nearly caused her death and if she had to make a choice, she tells me when I was a child, she would have had the Dr save her over my life, so thoughtful of her to share that with me... My sister's both got pregnant to get out of the house, this resulted in her saying she KNOWS ME accused me of things I had not done, assuring me I'd follow my sister's footsteps, and I didn't and that really pissed her off. I wanted to go to college she laughed and said that was stupid and I couldn't afford it anyway. So, straight A's, and probably could have gotten a scholarship but she burst my dreams, I didn't even take the SATs, she was ok with that, probably was worried if I might get a scholarship & prove her wrong again, can't have that. There were fun times together it wasn't always bad, I didn't even know HOW bad it really was until adulthood. I've got emotional scars no self confidence, never good enough, my life and my choices impacted by her abuse, I just try to not do the same to my kids. When she is talking of grandkids, she doesn't fail to mention my children aren't "mine" they are adopted. She takes glee in pointing it out, another failure she sees of mine not able to have a biological child. I've told her that is not something to say at if it's a negative thing, they are gifts to me and should be to her. She tells my kids in front of me at a visit, you have a mean mom....I said to her, well I did learn from you. My parents don't drive, but by dad did, and wrecked the car going to get her pain pills because she is an addict in her 80's, and nagged and nagged him to get the pills, and he drove because she couldn't wait for me to get them the next day. She thinks only of her and he thinks only of her, she will go to my dad to complain about me so he will tell me to be nice to her, She does it because she knows I'm worried about him and she stresses him to get at me. Sisters don't have any contact for decade or more, with anyone. One brother does not help or visit but calls them and that leaves me and one brother and my spouse who does more than their own kids ever do, AND homeschool's all four kids, though the brother who helps has no kids, and the other brother has no kids, we live closer to the parents, though still over an hour but they think we are closer so we should do the most. I work full time, homeschooling 4 kids is full time but the burden is on us 80%. Mom says she wouldn't do what I'm doing for them, I already know, she did nothing for her mom. She texts & talks about me & everyone behind our back I read them all and told her, that's why i'm there for my dad & ONLY for him. She's mad if he eats what I make, says it's ONLY because i made it, not happy he is eating. She says she can't do it anymore, so as my dad goes into hospice, I'm doing it all, my dad passed, her "tears" weren't real, she only worried no one will visit her now (karma). I tell her I'm going to go pick up my dad's ashes, she doesn't even acknowledge it, not upset, no emotion, just complains about her pain, sends ME her shopping list & gushes about neighbor who is great & will get her pain pills for her. She expects I'll shop. doesn't care for me/my family. I took care of DAD he deserved it. She doesn't & I'm done, I'm a b**** she'll say, to her indeed I am
I like to tell folks to watch the movie "Now, Voyager". It is basically the story of how a downtrodden daughter of a narc mom escapes. Good watching--Bette Davis, Paul Henreid and Claude Rains.
It's good to have a place to go to vent about Narc mothers. It's funny that we rarely see Narc dads. I'm sure they exist--maybe we call them bullies instead, don't know.
Both DH and I have Narc moms and it has taken us 45 years to figure out how to deal with them. And the answer is: The less contact the better. So sad. Really.
I don't anyone CHOOSES to be totally self absorbed, and I am sure psychiatrists have a field day talking to people who have been damaged by years of bad parenting.
My mom 'uses me' to her advantage. When I am of no use to her, she ghosts me. It used to bother me, now I can laugh about it and see it for what it is: mental illness that will never change.
Dh is still working out his issues with his mom and honestly? I don't think he ever really will. Neither he nor his brother really talk to her. He visits maybe once every 2-3 months and comes home and literally crawls in bed with a pillow over his head. She damaged him so badly--at age 69 he is finally beginning to get some clarity, but I tell you, I have 'suffered' from her treating the both of us just terribly.
Had I known what having her as a MIL was going to be like--I would not have married my DH. She has been THE primary source of contention and pain in our marriage.
And, sadly, I know, from reading some of these many posts, I am NOT alone!
Cautionary tales, for sure.
It's happening worldwide.
I've a toxic family and am the 'designated scapegoat'.
I only found out her evil nature after her death and upon reading her Wills re; her estate.
I have actually helped my father and mother all my life in any way I could, and after my father died something seemed to trigger my mother to revert to perhaps her real self, (evil and vengeful).
She basically removed me from her Will and decided to give all to my brother who was her equal in deceit, evil and basically without a soul.
One final problem even though my mother is dead is that it is hard to rationalize why a mother would do anything bad to her own child, and particularly when I had helped her all my life.
Even harder is to forget HER.
I can see parts of your dilemma in mine. I am taking care of my boyfriend's mother 15 to 24 hours a day. She lives in my boyfriend's mobile home. I have a separate mobile and I live there when I am not staying the night with her. She sits in her recliner and does search a word all day long while watching the Law and Order type of TV. The only time she walks is when a therapist is there. Most of the time she rolls around in a wheelchair getting up to use the toilet and getting back in her recliner. She is very negative, never having a kind word about anything. Just yesterday, I made a much needed hair appointment. She hasn't had her hair cut in over a year due to Covid. She has been complaining about her hair and stating she needs an appointment. So when I told her about the appointment, she rolled her eyes and scrunched up her face. Then she stated that she only wanted the OWNER to cut and style her hair. Very nasty to me. I try to set up home care appointments and she always has something negative to say. I am really grateful to these occupational therapists because they have taught her how to put on her own socks and adjust her pillows under her legs. Now she doesn't announce "I have to go to the bathroom!!" She does it herself. Her son and I only check on her back in the bathroom. What a relief. PS we had a working toilet installed by her bed so she only has to walk a few steps to it. Pricey but worth peace of mind for her not to fall walking a long way to the toilet.
I can see how her nasty attitude has affected her visitors. She has two sisters living nearby. It's rare if they visit once a month. Her younger son usually does come and stay on Saturday night into Sunday night, giving us a much needed break. Sometimes he just blows it off. We have finally talked Mom into hiring a caregiving service that offers a minimum of 12 hours a week, 4 hours a day. This gives us a chance to go to doctor appointments and shopping and just time AWAY. I suggest doing that even though it is not covered by insurance. Mom does pay for this service.
So believe you me, YOU are not alone. I always say Welcome to my world...
I would suggest some books on boundaries but those are difficult when dealing with dementia. Thus, I suggest reading the book, Running on Empty, for some healing insights. No you are not alone.
Does your insurance cover you for online counseling? That is available through some.