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My Mother is a 79 yr old alcoholic who "Takes care of" my Father. Every Holiday for a few years now, she starts drinking and stops eating. She complains about pain in her back and legs and sounds like she's dying. When I find the booze bottles she denies any knowledge about them but I'll find her mumbling and staggering around the house. Unfortunately My Dad relies on her for food etc. but if she's feeling sick, there will be no food. The smell makes her sick. Both my parents were in the hospital at the same time last T-day til Christmas from the "it makes me sick" hunger strike. I feel trapped. I've put my life on hold. My only friends are the people I work with and I live alone. I do have a cat. He's nice.
I always thought I had a normal family but boy was I wrong. If I don't snap to attention for my Mother, My Dad suffers the consequences and I feel terrible about it. I get dealt the guilt card on a regular basis. I don't make enough money to fix this.
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That's just it - you can't fix her. You have realized the most important part of all of this!! We have to let our parents be the individuals they are, not the fantasy loving parents we want them to be. It's so hard.

My mthr chose her way over seeing me and my kids for 8 years. Then APS called because she was wandering, but they still gave me the option of allowing the state to step in and take over once they knew the situation. They even told me they suspected that we were estranged because she was so mean.

I don't regret one moment my children were not exposed to her! My girls, 11 and 13, refer to her as the Wicked Witch (just like another poster) entirely based on the behavior she has shown them in the last 2 years. Out of the mouths of babes!

Hang in there, stay strong, and allow your mthr to be the raging obnoxious adult that has to accept the consequences of her behavior like all the rest of us humans. Good job!
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Funny how she thinks I am the "mentally handicapped one"yet I have lived on my own for 13 years, pay my bills on time, hold down a volunteer job and more. And I am competent to to do things that she wants.And the sad thing is that she has convinced her sister that I and my siblings are the horrible ones who won't help her. I love my mom but I don't know what to do for her.
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Oh Elmo, that is SO a mentally ill person you're talking to. It's very hard to accept these things ( I think we all grow up thinking that our parents are the definition of normal until we get out in the world). Please take care of yourself. No more paying mom's bills!
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Thanks.
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I am sorry to hear that things did not go well tonight. She's the one who is mentally handicapped and I am thinking now that she has some sort of serious mental problem(s). You did not make her the way she is. You can't fix her and you can't change her. All you can really do is to live on a healthy path for yourself. If at some point she chooses a healthier path, then fine. However, if she does not, then that is fine also. Hugs, love and prayers.
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Well I TRIED talking to her tonight. Didn't go well at all. She called me "mentally handicapped"and tried to guilt me by saying "If you are doing so well then why won't you tell me how much is on your credit card"etc. I finally hung up on her. My friends jaw was on the floor. She could not believe the things my mom said to me. Then after I hung up she sent me a nasty email telling me "If you fall on your a** I won't be there to help you" and on and on. I told her I am sorry you feel that way and when you are ready to see me as a competent adult then we can talk. I'm done with being treated this way.
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My sisters kids don't even like being around her. Last year when my niece who was 6 at the time asked her mother if grandma was coming to visit?My sister told her no that Grandma has to work and my niece's response? "Good!" That is coming from a 6 year old!
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Sounds like my mother to a tee! My mother is quite capable of taking care of herself. She lives on her own, has a job,even has a boyfriend and her sister nearby. But she has guilted me into helping her for years to pay her bills and such. I have reached the boiling point and am telling her tonight that enough is enough. She already is pissed at my siblings who mind you are grown and have kids of their own.
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Just go to her on Christmas or what ever--stay for an hour then leave--you have people in your life because you enjoy them and or they are a part of your family---being a slave either physically or emotionally is not a must for you to tolerate....Bring her a plant and a box of what ever to eat--put up with her for one hour then ---go and enjoy the family. You are obliged to honor your Mother and you've done more of that then she deserves,.--believe me I know how you feel. I have my own issue. Mine isn't like yours in public but at her assisted living ----grrrrr. An hour is more then she deserves--I'm thinking about your feelings not hers. You've done your duty for the day ---"making her happy" with your visit---then run the h*ll out of there and enjoy the rest of your Christmas with your "real" family. Don't look back--just keep on running......you keep thinking something magic is going to happen to make her "happy" and content somehow --thinking you're failing in doing that for her--there must be something wrong with YOU---Wrong----it's her---now go get the plant and the box of candy----if she starts giving you S--- grab your coat wish the wicked witch of the whatever a good day----and leave!
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stop Volunteering to be their victim is right on. One way we do that and particularly with narcissistic parents is functioning emotionally on the level of a child who is still trying to please mom or dad in order for them to give them the love we never got and never will get. Take care of yourself!
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As LadeeM said, we have to stop "volunteering to be their victim." That will stick with me! My mom went straight into assisted living memory care after a steep increase in dementia following a heart attack. She too, chose to be angry and miserable her entire adult life, after losing her mother when she was 11. See the responses to the post about how to stop letting your mother push your buttons. That is exactly what she's doing with her nasty streaks.When I see one coming on, I leave. She even told me not to call her mom today, after she got mad at the world. For my own sanity, I use a sense of humor. So when my mom says not to call her mom, I said, "Ok, goodbye crabby lady." When my dog and I were leaving and several people were hugging and petting the dog, my mom walks by and angrily exlclaims, "Fine! Parade your dog around to everybody else but don't come by me!" This was after we'd been there 2 hours with her, after she disowned me and ignored my poor sensitive pooch who jumped up on the bed with her, just wanting love. Such childish behavior is not new - I think her mental capacity froze at age 11 when she lost her mother. However, with dementia, her attacks are much more frequent and vicious. Since my mother's behavior was so well established, I think it is like "muscle memory" to her now. No surprise that she acts out, when dementia retains only long-term memory at first. Its so much harder for family and friends when a formerly nice person disappears behind dementia's curtain of anger. My mom knows that I care and always try to help others - so she preys on me by saying "You were the last person I expected this from". The translation for that is "You've turned your back on me like everyone else and won't do what I want or tell me what I want to hear." So be it. Being truthful with her when she asks questions sets me free, even if it enrages her. Decide what you need to do to feel you've met your obligations to her. Then move on. Think of it as a different person inside her, her "alter ego" and you will be able to remove yourself from being a player in her drama. When her evil twin comes out, pretend you are not in the room, but looking down on two people in this interaction. Do you like what you see? You're the only one who has to live with looking in the mirror. You can walk away from the conversation in a matter-of-fact, emotionally neutral way. You'll respect that person far more when you look at them.
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Motherhell, your next "outing" with mom should be a stop at the local geriatric psychiatrist. See if some meds will help.
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I have a mthr with undiagnosed personality disorder. When we rescued her 2 years ago when she was near death with cancer, she was nasty enough to cuss me out and slap me in the hospital waiting room. After her surgery, doc gave her an anti depressant and in a month she was nicer. Now that she has advanced dementia and was hallucinating, she is on a anti schizophrenia drug, and she is a completely new person!! I can't help but think that if she had this when my children were little, we might have allowed her to see them. She chose to live 8 years without contact because she could not be decent to us when she visited.

Boundaries. No one abuses me or my kiddos.
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jeweltone, how are your husband and children doing?
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I am an only child and I visit my mom every Sunday. I used to go two or three times a week and call everyday, but I would rather be fussed at once than three times so I quit going and calling so much. You can read more on my post: Is it normal she is so negative.

I moved in with my mom last summer and left my family to help take care of her. She needed 24/7 care immediately and it was only me until I could get enough staff together to help out. I have a husband and two children at home. This was devastating to me and my family. In March, she was getting better and she moved in AL and it has been a blessing, except for the meaness. I realize she is miserable and taking it out on me, but I am not going to be the punching bag. The last three years have been hell, but the years before that were h*ll too. It takes a toll on me, my family and most of all my mental health.

Stay connected with yourself, your family and your new family here.
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Thanks everyone, incredibly useful. The collective grandkids range from 19 to 7 years old. Husbands are supportive but frustrated. I don't think that I'm 'allowing' my mother to misbehave as she'd argue with her own shadow, but I'm gonna start making it clearer that it's unacceptable. Gonna get through Xmas first then make 2015 a new start. Gearing myself up to book a holiday with my beloved Dad (divorced) and wait for the terror to be unleashed from mother! Be brave!!
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Ref the personality disorders, the tiptoeing around your mother's rages is not nice to hear about. Dr Lawson breaks Borderlines - including narcissists - down into four archetypes - waifs, hermits, Queens and witches. This is what caught my eye, because my mother is a sort of waif with hermit tendencies. I'd always found the very idea of her being a manipulative borderline personality absurd and laughable until I read the phrase "how to care for the waif without rescuing her." Oh, I thought. I see now.

I'd recommend the "Understanding" book as a manual, but blush to confess that I am still sorting out a more comprehensive reading list for myself and haven't got very far - there's an embarrassment of riches out there. Have you considered seeing a counsellor about this? It might be a good idea, because you'll hugely improve your chances of success with a mentor behind you.
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motherhell, why you ya'll let your mother spoil every family occasion and upset your children? How old are the children? They are not going to have anything but negative memories of the holidays. Your mother is an emotionally abusive person and to subjugate children to being around that kind of abuse is abusive also. Also, what do the husbands think about all of this? I sure as *** would not put up with it.

By walking on eggshells around your mom, the three of you sisters are only enabling your mother's abusive behavior to continue and your own enslavement to her. It sounds like she can be left alone. So, leave her out of those activities.
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I'm checking Like This on your last post 1000 times - except it won't let me. But I would if I could! Be a tigress.
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Jeweltone do you still visit your mother? How are you dealing with her, our mother's sound the same! Do you have siblings? Sorry if you've already posted about your situation but I'm new to this site.
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Do NOT move your mom in and do NOT let your sister do it either. Tell your sister she does not have to do these things for your mother. Help her to see that she is just being manipulated. You have each other for comfort. Stand strong together.

I think you have pegged my mother. She always makes our holidays miserable. She always left mad at someone or put everyone on the spot somehow. She just has a way about her that it is indescribable. Even though now she doesn't go to our gatherings with family, she complains that we all probably sit around and talk about her.--It's just the opposite, we enjoy her not being there. She thinks she should still be the center of attention. Our days together are much more peaceful without her there. The days after are the hardest because she constantly complains about us going, but yet she chose not to go. Sound familiar? Her philosophy--I don't want it, but I don't want you to have it either. I don't want to go, so you shouldn't want to either. Gosh!! Can you say SELFISH
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Countrymouse I'm very interested in reading more books about personality disorders. I think she has narcissistic PD. Anyone recommend some reading materials please?
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Gotta add, if mother ever needs more care and my sister feels she's gotta move in, I WILL definitely intervene and stop her! If I've learnt one thing from this website it's DON'T MOVE THEM IN WITH YOU!
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Interesting thank you. My mother only needs occasional physical help such as after a knee replacement due January. But all the normal time my mother phones us all constantly, wants to vent about all the people who have upset her that day, wants us to visit every weekend, wants us to take her food shopping, take her on holiday, take her out for mother's day, her birthday, Easter holidays, Sunday dinner, etc. None of us want to do these things as we're all treading the thin line wondering if something will upset her and send her into a rage. She spoils every family occasion and it upsets our children. Having said all of this, my sister feels guilty if she's left alone on these occasions. So if I quit, my sister will feel she needs to pick up the slack- that's what she feels guilty about. And that's my dilemma! I feel I am abandoning my sister to my mother! I can't tell my sister "you should..." or I'll be just like mother!! Ahhh!
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I first thought I was on my original post... This is so much like my mother. The emotional guilt and manipulation that she continually lays down on me. I am an only child and wish I had someone else to help out. I am trying my darnedest to back off and break away from her. I have backed off from what I have been doing for the past 40+ years. I am starting to say no when no is due and not explain myself for the reasons I say no.--is it easy? is she receptive? NO! She gets more angry and tries to pull more manipulation out of the bag, but I am being strong and trying not to take the responsibility for her anger. It is very difficult to walk away from the way we have been trained. I used to think she was getting angry because maybe I said something wrong, maybe I did something wrong, but now that I am doing this on a regular basis: I am realizing that it isn't anything I am doing--I am just not doing it her way anymore. Even when I did it her way, it still wasn't the right way. Learning that it is not our fault, your sister will be able to walk away much easier.

Good luck, those eggshells can only withstand so much.
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Your mother is physically fine but still feels the need to do this to all of you?

Wowzer. I think you have a little light reading to catch up on - [nobody yell "boring!!!" at me, please!] - get a copy of "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson (it comes in paperback which is just as well because it's not free). It's not intended to be an exhaustive study, but it is authoritative and even better highly practical about what on earth to do when you find yourself struggling with one. You could have a look on Amazon and see if the chapter headings ring bells with you as loudly as they did with me. Best of luck.
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Your sisters needs to see a therapist in order to find the strength to back off. It is hard to stop a lifelong habit of walking on eggshells around your mother, but that is what she trained ya'll to do. Oftentimes people raised in such an environment will take on characteristics of the parent and treat anyone who tries to break away from the dysfunctional system with the same emotional blackmail that the parent lashes out.

You might not be able to save both of your sisters from the hell you are living in, but neither can you change your mother. Ya'll did not make your mother the way she is and how she is is not your fault. It is not your fault that your sisters do not have the freedom you are finding, but you don't have to destroy yourself in trying to help them and your mother. Save yourself and anyone who will follow your example of having some boundaries in your life. It is their choice to follow or not, but it is not up to you.

If your mother needs no physical care, but only needs an emotional punching bag for her venting then why are you needed there. Why does your sister feel guilty about your mother?
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Thank you countrymouse for your comments. My mother needs no physical care, just constant emotional venting. My older sister would love to back off but she can't seem to find the strength. We are all terrified of mother's rages and it's hard to drop a lifetime habit of tip toeing around her. Then of course come the tears! My sister feels guilty about mother, and I feel guilty about my sister!
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Oh! - how could I forget? And send both of them a link to the AC website!
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