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I truly wish there was more assistance and support for caregivers and adult children living with abusive/ mentally ill/ mentally declining elderly parents. There are so many of us living in silent agony every day at home but there are few opportunities to find each other in our communities and meet in person. Nor are there enough local resources to assist us in helping care/babysit difficult parents.
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Hang in there. I so know how you feel.
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HanaLee,

I know what it's like because I've had to deal with it. For a few years I was working full-time for two invalid, incontinent dementia clients.
One crapped and peed all over the place on the way to the bathroom. Then overflow the toilet with paper. It would be flowing all over the floor for me like a geiser of toilet water, piss, and watery crap. Talk about Old Faithful... The other would get on the portable commode next to her bed in the living room, crap her brains out, then tip it over daily right onto the already filthy wall-to-wall carpeting trying to get up from it. I finally just put her in diapers. She was none too pleased, but it was the only way
Then after my paying workday was done I could come home to my mother's sh*t bucket filled brimming with a whole days worth of pee and crap. Then deal with her anxiety flip-outs and fight insitgating until bedtime.
I get you, sister. Believe me I do.
Please consider some in-home caregiving help. Or even putting your mother in a nursing home for a bit of a respite break. Yu do not have to be her caregiver anymore. You don't have to and maybe she's at the point where she needs to be in a facility. She sounds like too much for one person.
Also, stop trying to take her out, or do things with her, or give her things she might enjoy.
Like my mother, yours doesn't want to enjoy anything. She doesn't want any joy or pleasure or even hope in her life.
They only want disappointment, misery, discord, sadness, and resentment.
Stop breaking your own heart over and over again trying to please her or trying to get her to enjoy something. It's not going to happen. You deserve better.
Please for your sake look into some homecare or placement. Good luck.
(9)
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I alone am taking care (and live with) my 94 year old nasty, non-stop complaining bitch of a mother. She has been nasty and mean her whole life, with bouts of normal behavior thrown in. But she and her mother were like this from what I am told. There is without a doubt an element of mental illness involved. But now she is sick with a terminal illness and is miserable every single day. She does not even try to be positive in any way. And I am stuck taking care of her and I hate it, and I don't feel one ounce of guilt about it. I have had to take care of her since my father died 3 years ago and it has been absolute hell. Every time I would take her anywhere, she would undoubtedly piss me off and ruin my day. Trying to do anything with her is difficult. She just sucks the life out of me. She does not appreciate anything I do for her or the fact that my life is devoted to her care. She is nasty and complaining yet I am supposed to be happy about it. I do love her deep down, but most days I just cannot stand her. I am tired of cleaning up poop and pee and literally wiping her ass of all the poop stuck to it. She started making noises about 3 months ago, and instead of calling out my name, I hear moaning and groaning and I guess that means, she has to go to the bathroom. It is beyond annoying. I tell other people about it, and they say, yea, I know it's hard, but she probably doesn't feel well. And what about me? I am the live-in maid, aide, and have to put up with a nasty old woman who is acting more like an infant with each passing day. I have passed the burn-out stage months ago.

I think one of the biggest problems is her incontinence. She manages to pee or poop in the bed or on the floor and without a doubt her foot is always rubbed right in it. She came home from hospital and they stupidly didn't take out her Foley catheter. Nurse came and removed it next day. Well, I went to check on her later that night, and there was brown liquid all over the bed pad, all over the sheets, all over her and she has her hand moving around in it and of course her foot. I had to get the bed pad off the bed, get her diaper off, put a towel on the fitted sheet because of the mess, put a new sheet on top and try to clean her up. What an absolute mess. I did laundry with bleach to get it all out. Supposedly it was old blood, that is why it was brown, from the catheter. This is what I deal with. To all those who tell me they know it's hard. No, actually you don't know, because you have never had to deal with it.
(12)
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THANK YOU! Thank you for writing your honest experience. I have been staying up late searching the internet for someone else who is living something similar. I am having similar challenges with my mother, which are coming to a head with her recent diagnosis of incurable cancer. I am my mother's only child. She has lived alone for years. She has multiple chronic physical health issues that I know make her life challenging so I try to be empathetic. But, she is so hateful to me. Yelling at me, hanging up on me, telling the only friend she has left nasty things about me not helping her, etc., etc. I'm slowly coming to the realization that she likely has an underlying mental illness (borderline personality disorder?) in addition to the cognitive and behavioral issues of aging. She has lived in the same community for 50 years and only has 1 friend left. This fact helped me realize its her, not me. But I still question my perceptions all the time because its been a slow gradual slide from salty, eccentric old lady to dysfunctional, abusive, hoarder and there is no official diagnosis. The worst part for me at the moment is that she is in an untenable living situation (hold up in a falling down house that is unsafe and unsanitary) which she complains endlessly about, but she will lash out viciously if anyone tries to help her or even suggests a resource. Its a total catch 22 and I'm beginning to think she like having the power....the power of creating an impossible situation, tantruming about it and then refusing help while I (and her one friend) run in circles trying to help. Its hopeless but not endless....so we plough on.
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Im dealing with both my 93 year old parents who live at home and intend to leave there with toe tags. I’ve been doing the best I can, flying back to the east coast every other month to Help my siblings deal with this soul sucking situation. Right now we live from one health crisis to another. My mother always has been an abusive bully to her kids and her husband. My father always just took what she spewed out of her mouth and let it go. Last month she spewed her verbal vomit on me. It Brought back miserable childhood memories. And now I cannot look at this woman anymore, I am so angry at her. If it wasn’t for my siblings who are in the trenches daily dealing with this, I’d have packed up and left. Might still do it.
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Wow, seems I'm not the only one with a mom like mine. Sorry for us all, but less lonely knowing I'm not the only one. My mom's cat got tangled in a child's soccer goal net earlier today and my brother had to get it freed. Mom said my dog came in and scared it trying to kill it. My dog was in my room with me and neither she, nor my brother's dog barked. Since then, likely due to mom's freaking out, her cat has been in hiding, probably behind the armoire in her room or the one in the livingroom where she feels safe and gets in through openings in the back. Fast forward about 7 hours (sundowning), mom's been hunting throughout the house for said cat. I went in her room to check on her (no good deed) and she starts yelling that her cat is dead, but nowhere in sight, and my dog killed it, so now she's informing me that she is going to kill my dog and me. What joy. I hate to even joke, but sometimes I wish she would so it could just end. Me, not my dog. Not sure I can take much more of her slowly killing me with the venom she's spewed toward me my entire adult life.
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TreadingWater,
Thank you for the bravery of sharing your story! For a minute I thought we had the same mother!!! My mom has dementia, I've been staying at her place and caring for her since the night her neighbors called me and told me she was "wandering" out in front of her apartment building at 1am. My mom and I have never had the typical loving mother-daughter relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough, she always made me feel less than! Now she needs help, my siblings aren't available, so, tag, I'm "it"!! She has these mean and horrible episodes where she accuses me (or some non-existing thief) of stealing her money, moving her things around (which she does in her "other" mind and then doesn't remember moving them). It has been rough and I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. So it's like a breath of fresh air to read someone else's story and reminds me that I'm not alone. Thank you!
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I know you wrote this lol ng ago but I want you to know I feel your pain and am experiencing the same. I understand the guilt coupled with depression and just plain feeling toxic. It's awful. Take care of you. She has lots of paid company. She's safe. Take care of YOU.
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Are you asking us if it's okay to uninvite her, tolerate her etc? It's up to you. You can choose to stop seeing her all together. If your adult children want to be with grandma, they can go visit her. Just stay out of it.
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lifeontheedge,

I am glad you found this helpful. Is there any way to get him or you two into therapy if he sees his mother as the problem also? There is an emotional dance going on there and she prepped him for the dance. She will never cease to want to dance, but he must dance with you and stop dancing with her. That will be hard to do. If he will not go to therapy with you or on his own, please go for yourself which may, in turn, help him. I found it helpful. Once I started setting up boundaries and not letting her hide behind my pants from her mom, then things started to change.
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NoTryDoYoda- interesting. Husband has fought her off for his entire life, and it is incessant. Soo true about him being her emotional partner. I think her husband did not supply any emotional support ever, and given that she has serious mental health issues, it was left to my husband to support her. Seeing the situation like this helps understand it. Several times he and we have broken away from her and the fall out is quite beyond anything anyone would believe! There are absolutely no social, physical, behavioural, emotional barriers whatsoever that will prevent her fighting to the death to get what she wants! She wants and needs her son 100 per cent, and will stop at nothing to get it.

Our home life is loving, warm and peaceful when we are not in touch with her.
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lifeontheedge,

This story makes my blood boil for it's the same as my MIL did to my wife who finally stood up to her mom when she witnessed her abused our boys exactly like she had abused her and her sister.

Frankly, my friend, your husband needs to hear clearly that he must deside who he is married to. You or his mom. There is a good book that might help you with this. The title is When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment Paperback March 13, 2007 by Kenneth M. Adams 

As Dr. Adams wrote in his other book, it sounds like your husband has been silently seduced by his mom to be her emotional partner.

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.

I've been there and my wife was there.

Someone needs to write a book When she's married to mom because it is the same dynamic.
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Such an utter relief to find this forum! People I try to talk to around me cannot understand what this is like when they have never encountered it.. People say to me 'she can't be that bad'. She has had paranoia and undiagnosed serious mental health problems all her life. Her 62 year old son bites his arm in utter and total distress when she is abusing him in public. He and my husband have had this never ending guilt fuelled toxicity all their lives. We visit her and talk to her, but it is mental torture every time. There is never any conversation, just her making relentless demands and us trying to break free. I long for the day.......if you know what i mean. She thinks I am a pathetic, over sensitve flower apparently. Truth is, I know what normal, decent behaviour is. I've never known anyone behave like her, and I'm 60!
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Noooooo! you are not alone, I'm here. My MIL has absolutely totally dominated my husband's life, then our family for 20 years or more. Fighting her off is extremely demanding and exhausting. She is on the phone, emailing, skyping, every single day, always wanting to know when we will next visit. She always has been a bully like you could never imagine. I started refusing to go out her, as she would bellow across rooms, streets etc. Every year she called days on end, demanding 4 times a year, that we attend her family events. I started refusing because at EVERY one, she would start bawling her demands at me, shouting to tell me off etc etc. My husband stops her, then she starts on him!. We now have rigorous rules in place, that we set ie , no family events, absolutely no going out with her and FIL, visits with strict, timed routine, and out as fast as possible. Every day almost, she is on the phone demanding that we visit. Then she emails, then she calls my mobile, then she demands skyping. I should say that we have made the 3 hour round trip to see her and FIL probably every 3 weeks over the last 20 years. We have stopped her calling us every day almost, for 20+ years, by setting our own routine and calling her 5 times a week. We take every 3rd call (we put the phone on the table, and go out the room, I swear on my life that you can hear her booming, shrieking demands from the next room), then we go back and say 'mmm' and put the phone on the table. She and FIL have twice in the past got the police to call on us, saying we are not answering! FIL is now in hospital, nearing end of life, so it's even worse. There are times when I feel I will have a breakdown. (My husband stopped living with his parents after a breakdown, and has forged his own life). No way do I have the skills needed to deal with an entity such as this. I put her out of my head until it's time to speak to her or visit her.
(6)
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Dear Treading water,
Every day I am grateful that my mother is gone. I went thru much hell with her. There were some good spots and I remember those too.
It comes to an end eventually. Bad behavior is not ok, no matter who it's from.
Take Care of yourself and family first
and someday enjoy deep breaths of gratitude guilt free that you no longer have to deal with her.
(12)
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Hi Treading water.
You are not alone, I am currently walking on eggshells with my mother. My mother is mean, mean, mean and is controlling me with her illness. I know she is not well but the paranoia is bringing me down. I cannot even get someone in the home to help because she thinks she is well. I am in need of a break, I want to run out of my own house. I feel like I am her hostage and dealing with the paranoia is bringing me down. My three older siblings are lazy and WILL not take responsibility for some of things they can do. so, I am dealing with this every single hour in the same house. Do not feel guilty, we have to take care of ourselves so we can continue providing the care we need for our mothers. I am in need of respite care and trying to find out what I need to do. I have breast cancer and trying to schedule surgery, maybe I can get my respite in hospital. I'm just afraid to go to the hospital and my mother is at home in the my house alone. Thank you for sharing

May God restore peace when there is none.
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PLEASE do a search on this site, using the word "guilt". And if that excellent advice doesn't help, see a good therapist! Guilt is a waste of energy.
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Same here! If she was anyone else, would you put up with her crap? Just because she was your egg donor does NOT mean you have to tolerate from her what you wouldn't tolerate from anybody else! I don't mean to sound harsh! God bless you and please take care of yourself and your children!
(6)
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Self pity. I forgot that one. That was another of my mother's favorite weapons. self pity, guilt, persecution complex.

Regardless, after over 6 decades and with it being worse now by several orders of magnitude, I'm done.

So, i know exactly what you're feeling. Is she safe? can she hurt herself or anybody else? If the answers are yes and no, you're golden. Don't beat yourself up. Does no good for anybody.

Roger
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You're not alone. 63 years I've known her, my mother lived her life by "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" and made dang sure everybody was miserable and knew why. Someone mentioned to me in one of my quesitons "F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt)". She had an arsenal of weapons like that plus persecution complex/poor pitiful me but especially honed guilt to a razor edge over the years. And now that she's somewhere between Alzheimer's and dementia, it's the same thing but on steroids.

My dad had a stroke and was in bad shape anyway and is essentially unable to communicate but I can't even visit with him as it turns into all her all the time. (they're sharing a room in a nursing home). I can't call or text asking about him as i get no response other than how badly she's treated.

I can no longer stand to be around her and there's no relationship with her beyond how badly she's treated.

Don't feel guilty. You're not and feeling that way won't help anyone, least of all yourself.

As an aside, she's totally different to the nursing home staff. They just love her and think she's the sweetest thing ever. The staff at this place is awesome beyond words. Both my parents are safe and cared for and beyond that, I really don't have anything left in the tank now.

Roger
(11)
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Oh wow! I thought I was alone in this world. I am living with and taking care of my Mother who goes out of her way to make me miserable any chance she gets. She actually believes in her mind that shes doing right. What shes not realizing is im not a prisoner and Im not sentenced to be there. She thinks the ridicule and humiliation of leaving her helpless is going to keep me there. Problem is i deal with the ridicule and humiliation on a daily basis and I am there taking care of her and paying her bills. This woman has put her hands on me in anger and Im done. I dont even care what happens to her anymore. i believe Im going to move out to preserve my health. Every time i hear her voice my chest clenches into knots. The guilt the humiliation the ridicule. fuck it i deal with it anyway.
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Hello, Hello, Venting dear!

Oh! You're just on the right path.... you're on the way to finding the perfect way to tackle your challenge! CONGRATS TO YOU! Ten points, Venting!

And your idea is not so weird at all! It's a great skill. [Well, at least that's my way of viewing it.]

Keep up your work of caring for yourself, and creating healthy boundaries. [I would recommend you read the book THE BOUNDARY IS YOU. It's very helpful in building a healthy self, caring for yourself, and that automatically leads to being able to help other people without destroying your own life and freedom.]

You are a great person. Believe me, it will come a time that you'll reflect on yourself and say: OMG! I've become such a happy, healthy person. Thank you God for sending me this challenge.

Take it from me, Venting!

Best wishes!

Love ya,
Belle
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yes, venting! take care of YOU.

put yourself first.
don’t allow anyone to drown you.

your life is just as precious.
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Lots of empathy to you LizzyFizzy and everyone.

I’m trying to follow Belle’s advice (in particular point 3).

It’s weird (and I think it might be true for many of us) :

I’m much better at being kind to others, than myself — in the sense that:

My mother’s problems are (objectively) very urgent. So I try to help right away.

But this goes on and on…

And my life goes down and down, because literally there are few minutes left for me in the day.

My day is spent:
-recovering from the abuse
-helping with urgent problems
-trying to work

I’ll try to make a major change.

My problems are just as urgent.

This will sound weird:
but I’ll have to imagine I’m someone else (a friend), and I urgently must help my friend.

Empathy to you all & I hope everyone finds a great, positive (for yourself) path forward!
(6)
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I had the worst fight with my mother because she has labeled me as the scapegoat. The golden daughter (my sister) has already discussed Thanksgiving and that just took me over the edge. Who discusses Thanksgiving in March, a narcissist sister who wants to look like she’s more caring then everyone. My mother just instigates and tries to have us turn on each other. I would never do this to my daughter, how I survived is a miracle.

My life is much better without them but it’s very hurtful to reflect on it.
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Very kind, Belle, thank you!!

“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!”

Very positive attitude! I love it!

And I’ll try this:
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge.”

Searching for the perfect way :).

THANK YOU.
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Hi Treading water, and to all who are in her shoes.
I feel your pain. I've experienced something so similar, and this is what I've learnt:

1-NEVER FEEL GUILTY!
You are a good person and you're doing your best. To prove what I'm saying, just look on how guilty you're feeling! This proves that you truly do care for your mom, [and deep, deep down, perhaps, you also love her. Just for the fact that she brought you to life.] And this is despite the fact that all she caused you in your life is abuse, anguish, and pain. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about, the problem is all hers. Whatever you're doing, is to be admired.

2-DON'T CUT OFF WITH HER, SHE'S YOUR MOM - but do make sure to CREATE BOUNDARIES, and to PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
This can be accomplished by speaking to a smart person who can advise you when you should or shouldn't visit or bring home your mom. And perhaps a good therapist can teach you how to be totally indifferent, and remain calm and happy at the times you are with her.

3-LIFE IS CREATED TO ENJOY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!

Good luck to all of you!
Belle
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hugs, venting!! please find a way!!
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Heart-felt empathy from me to everyone with abusive parents.

I need to vent!

I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.

I was helping her. It was necessary help.

When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.

I need to scream.

(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).

My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.

This will go on for years.

It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.

I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.

She’ll continue forever.

She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.

All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…

I need to find a way to stop being attacked.

Dear Bundleofjoy,

Below you wrote:

“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”

That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
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