I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Well again she coped just fine until dad's stroke. Her stubbornness went to the other extreme on the scale of "whoa is me" crap. The ALF is beautiful, and Mom is just finally after 10 months or so, finally starting to settle in. We were able to bring many of her things to a nice size apartment, but now she's starting to miss her home, but there's nothing I can do about that. She won't provide for herself and dad can't be in the house. He won't survive without her and mom can't handle him, so regardless of what they think, they need to adjust.

Dad is adapting just fine. He loves to help people. Its in his nature. Administration just loves him. They said he's so happy and makes them smile and laugh. Dad needed the socialization. Mom kept him soooooo isolated. Dad needs help and guidance in doing tasks, but overall pretty independent. He can't hold a "real" conversation with you, but he's happy. That's all that matters. The ALF takes care of dispursing their meds. They order them and distribute. Makes it nice. Mom is relentless with dad. The medtech asked me the other day, "Does your mom always tell him what he's going to eat?" (sigh) Yep, its gotten worse since dad's stroke. So after some lengthy conversation, they decided to just nod and agree with mom and bring dad a full meal with extras. My dad is 6' 5" and only 168 lbs (high metabolism). When he walks, he can MOVE. He does laps around the facility and the girls can't keep up with him. He needs energy so they are going to make sure he gets it. But to get around mom getting upset they have to say the doctor ordered the extra calories or "Oops, the kitchen must have made a mistake." Its ridiculous to be honest.

Grieving.... hhhmmm.... in the past 5 years my dad had a stroke that lead to Alzheimer's/Dementia (however you want to define it), my mother went into decline and hospitalization into geriatric psych units (twice), I've been thrown into the fire learning about taxes, income, financial planning, taking care of a second house, paying an extra set of bills, legal matters, struggles within my marriage, losing my aunt suddenly earlier this year, and three months ago my MIL... now cleaning out things, receiving things from my aunt's estate, cleaning out things of my parents to some degree, organizing, trying to clean out my own house, my husband taking things in from his mother's estate, and then trying to organize it all.... yeah... I can't say I even feel grief yet.

I haven't had time to just grieve. I cry when I can, and I just do. God has to carry me because if it was me... I'm done. That is why boundaries and being guilt free has become so important to me. I've learned/learning that there are more important things in life. I can get buried underneath this all very easily. If people do not like things I do, too bad. I say it to them with grace and "politeness" but in the end, they don't live my life, I don't care typically. I pick my battles when I need to have the energy, but for the most part I just coast one whatever's left and let God carry me the rest of the way.

Of course I long for a relationship with my parent's but its a reality I realize is not going to happen. So I move on. But lately it feels as though I'm losing everyone and everything I'm comfortable with. Literally in every direction and when I think about it I just cry. Whatever period this is in my life, I have no clue, but by the grace of God I'm hanging in and just doing as I can. Eventually a person comes out on the other side.

Dear Naus, you haven't offended, but are expressing your heart missing your Mom. So glad you didn't have to deal with a mean one. Many say that after she's gone, I'll miss her, but it's hard to imagine. I won't miss the strife and anger one bit. I can hope all day, (have for over 50 years) but Mom is meaner than ever. Can't appease a tyrant. Sad for her, especially, because she has chosen this path. Meanwhile, we move on, and find joy elsewhere...

Dear hapsadgla, sounds like you need to do an accounting spread sheet, and have Mom contribute to your budget, and factor in the cost of the services you provide. Send them all a copy. Are they expecting an inheritance for themselves at your expense? Don't let them bully you. Or, do the handoff, and see if they come up with a better plan. Often they are blowing smoke while waiting for the goodies. Those who do the least complain the most! Take care of you and your family, and find what works best for you, in spite of unreasonable people. You are a Caregiving angel! Take care.

Good points, vividnew and Austin! (Loved the "10 can't care for Mom" observation!) LOL

Tough love ask each of the siblings to share the cost of her care or spend her money for her care or they can each take her for a period of time and care for her if they do not like that put her in a nursing home on medicaide pending and do not do the leg work yourself since you are involved in her care they can do it or hire a lawyer to do it which will cost about $9000.00 -last years quote. She is their Mom also we teach people how to treat us a mother can raise 10 children but 10 children can not take care of one mother-do not ask them tell them since they do not get it. Home care is so expensive if they want to share the cost of it and since it is your home that is your share of the cost and they could share the cost of her entertainment and transportation

It is hard to find free nursing home with sufficient service. Good care nursing homes are never for free unless your mother has perfect insurance. Maybe you better hire caregiver? It is not for free but comparing with nursing homes or any assisted living bills it is minimum charge.

Please can anyone stop siblings from worrying about money. I had one of my siblings to say that is is all "about mother's money". I always thought it was about mother. she is clean, fed health and happy nd have everything that she needs or wants. You never know how much it cost to care for someone until you get them in your home and expenses come out of the wood work. "Enough is Enough". "It's time for mother to go". I told my siblings to come get her. They want me to save her money and spend our money to take care of her. Have anyone found the free nursing home because I have a person for them? I love my mama but its time for me to go so I can get my life back and hopeful my siblings will find the free nursing home.

Thanks for listening

Gosh! I feel so bad for some of you, who haven't had the loving mother/daughter relationship. And then I feel sorry for myself because I did, and miss my mother so very much, who died at age 51. I'm sorry, I shouldn't deprive you of your venting, but I feel jealous that you still have your mom's, rotten as they can sometimes be. I see the little old ladies at my dad's ALF, and they seem so sweet, and it makes me miss her all the more. I know this is not the count your blessings thread, but count your blessings that you still have your mothers, and every day is a new day you can try to start over. God bless all you wonderful caregivers, hope I didn't offend anyone.

Dear vividnew, how refreshing to hear about a great Mom. Repeating the same stories over and over? Has she been tested for memory loss? Curiously wondering why are you, and not she, caring for him? Does she have poor health? Maybe she would be less annoying if she were helping, instead of telling you what to do. Sounds like you have your hands full. Will say a prayer or two for you. Take care.

You got it right, Dragonflower, and put things in perspective. Guess my learning curve is great, because I haven't mastered the art of "getting over," yet. Thank God not all our relationships are like that! I appreciate your practical approach. Thanks.

My mom is not old, she is only 62 but day after day I listen to the stories that she feels bad and how badly she feels, she stops me all the time and tells me same stories that i've heard many times already. I love her and respect her because from my early childhood she was great mom. But what to do now? She is annoying me. I do not offend her and that is why I drop off all the things that I had to do and listen to the same stories and advices. Moreover I take care for my grandfather (her father) who has dementia and have to listen to her "how to" things instead of help. Oh, God...

Just because a person happens to be a blood relative does not mean you are obligated to live with them or even have a close relationship. I have several relatives I don't particularly like - I just "tolerate" them.

Sharing DNA does not imply committment, especially when the relative is manipulative. There are also "personality" conflicts that may never be resolved. Some people are just like oil and water.
We should not feel guilty about it.

I did not have a "loving" mother either. In fact, our relationship was pretty warped. I had to learn to "get over that" and realize that the myth of the close mother-daughter relationship is not supported by reality, especially when one of them employs manipulative behavior to get what she wants out of the relationship. It's not a healthy situation for anyone.

You mother is clearly being manipulative - don't fall for it!

Sorry, Mitzi. I misread the dizziness for headaches, and there is a difference. My mistake. Guess I'm distracted by the similarities of my Mom ~ and by pure fatigue. Please forgive.

Well, thank God there's no brain tumor or throat cancer. Sounds like they have enough to deal with; and you, too. So, (correction): dizziness for 13 years?! That seems outrageous. Doesn't sound like much of a life for your Mom or Dad. What do they think of the ALF? How does your Dad do there with his Alzheimer's? Is he still navigating his way? Does your Mom help him with ADLs? Or does the facility provide assistance? Who does their meds? Is your Mom better to him than to you? Don't know why I'm curious. It's such a sad way to grow old...all miserable and feeble. So sad :( and there's so many like that...

Tell me about how you're getting along with the grieving part of the Alzheimer's and mental decline. I can really understand the avoidance necessary to maintain personal sanity. On the flip side, I have a longing for relationship with my parents. (I mean a healthy one.) It's a natural desire, I believe. And one that cannot be fulfilled. So I quote, "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." Psalm 27:10

I relate this to my Mom at times: "Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty." Psalm 27:12 This is not a pretty thought when it comes to a mother. I try to overlook her sharp tongue and haughty look, but I struggle with it daily. (Not in unforgiveness, but due to the relentless battle that rages in her soul against others.) It repulses me and makes me want to flee. So I understand limiting time with an offender. I'm sure they long for us as well, but it's hard to bridge the gap when there is so much angst and animosity present. "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit, who can bear?" Proverbs 18:14 Sometimes it makes me cry.

Sorry to end like such a downer, but this isn't the "Count Your Blessings" site. No matter my age, or responsibility, I cannot deny my longing for a loving mother. (And it's painful to admit I lack any good thing.) Thanks for reading such woeful prose.

Its not headaches. Its dizziness resulting from a gash that she received that was over her eyebrow 13-14 years ago. They never properly diagnosed her with a vestibular injury from the accident because they just saw a gash instead of a possible head injury. Don't even get into a lawsuit about such a thing because that's a whole other drama no one has that kind of patience to read a novel over that stupidity regarding that and the accident that caused it.

Also don't let her fool you because she also used to walk and do all sorts of things even with the dizziness for approximately 8 years or so with the dizziness. She only declined after dad had his stroke and that's when the behavior accelerated worse because dad could no longer defend himself.

When mom was admitted to the hospital upon her admittance to the assisted living that's when they discovered and diagnosed her with Severe Major Depression (where she was suicidal and starving herself literally). She was at that time paranoid and delusional and when I saw her in the hospital it was awful to see her mentally unstable at that point. She even grabbed my arm and said, "Come on I'm going home with you." My FIRST response was, "Oh no you're not.... the hospital needs to take care of you first."

My response is still, "Oh no you're not!!!" I can't even stand to be with her for 10 minutes. Literally I go to see them once a week and drop stuff off, and her "good" days are over for now in the cycle and she's starting with the dizziness is caused by a brain tumor crap... before it was throat cancer (tested relentlessly ... NOTHING!) When I drop off, I'm there for maybe 15 minutes. Dad can't hold a conversation and walks off, mom is miserable and figuring out ways she can get my phone number... no way, want no part of it. I can guarantee I do whatever it takes to keep her well taken care of.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention she doesn't have my phone number and the AL has orders not to give it to her because when she was home she called me 15 times a day screaming at me, insulting me, begging me to quit my job, etc and there was nothing wrong. I even told her Friday, "Absolutely not! You are not calling me crying wolf. I'm done. If there's an emergency the staff here is well trained to provide and take care of you immediate and call me if necessary. You are not getting my phone number." All I can say... whoa was she ticked! Too bad.

Oh and when people tell you she's "lovely", that's part of the facade she's made for herself. Trust me my mom has a face for every environment. There are people who have come to me and apologized for believing what they have all these years. They had no idea... LOL (yeah) LOL

Mitzi, faith vs. works. That's a great distinction. Thank you. Your Mom's had headaches for 13 years? I'd complain, too! Can't anyone help her? My Mom has headaches, as well. We're still working on that, and her behavior that's undiagnosed. Thank God she can live alone, with a little assistance. I couldn't bear to be under the same roof again. How about you, Mitzi?

I was thinking, I don't understand when people tell me my mother is "lovely." Are they being kind, blind, or lying? It's a puzzle.

SusieQ, just thought I'd let you know that I tried the recording thing. My Mom got so bizarre that she was accusing me of all sorts of things, calling the police, legal services, and telling doctors that I was abusing her. That's all I heard from her for months...until I started recording (to protect myself) and prove my point. I also told her I was recording every conversation, which made it completely legal. She complained that she didn't like me recording her, so I told her that her behavior, verbal abuse and lies warranted it, and it was my proof against her false claims. Even though she was declared "Incapacitated" 1-1/2 year ago, it took a her hitting my sister (yet again) and a physician's diagnosis of PD to confirm my observations. That's really a sick game to play with someone who is trying to help a truly incompetent individual. Why do they hurt the ones who try to help? I bristle when she turns on the sugary stuff with my little boy. I don't trust anything she says or does, because she lies to anyone who will listen. The manipulation is a horribly sick mind game. And she doesn't have yet have the "Dementia" excuse. Sad :( I am very watchful when she's around my son, with a doctor, or any person in authority. She lies just to get her way [with me], as some sort of leverage and fear tactic. She denies her lies, but I have recordings of the truth on tape. I record every word she says.

Thank God for this site, and those of you who taught me not to let Mom move in with me (though knew better). You let me know I'm not a "bad" person for placing Mom elsewhere, and that I don't have to feel "guilty" about it. Glad to know I'm not alone. Thanks Naus, Mitzi, Linda, and all the rest of you wonderful Caregivers.

lovingdaughter, as far as a special place in heaven for us... I'm already a child of God and I know that I need do nothing else except love God unconditionally. If it was by works and deeds, there would be a huge list of other caregivers ahead of me. Beautiful thing about heaven, we're restored!! That's a benefit I love! ;)

SecretSister, she had an accident about 13 years ago that left her with an undiagnosed closed head injury. Long story short, she's been dizzy ever since. Some days worse than others. That is a reality. However, she she has always lived in a selfish all about me world and now dad cannot balance her like he once did (due to Alzheimer's) she's just outlandish with her behavior and hypochondriac ways. All I do is make sure everything is provided for and financially cared for and she can live in her own perfect misery while physically healthy. Although her new "hypochondriac" behavior is that she believes the dizziness is due to a brain tumor... oh I'm just so not going there!! :X

Elaine62, that is exactly why there are now assisted living facilities and other options for seniors that never used to be there. I am so glad to hear things are working out and you can take care of you now and enjoy her even more. What a blessing that is!

I really get the mean thing that you mentioned, SusieQ,. My MIL was just like that. One day I asked my daughter, who was 7 at the time, to call her grandma and thank her for the card she had received. When my MIL got on the phone she said to my daughter that all she wanted to do was die!!!!!!! I told MY daughter to go to the kitchen and that she probably heard her wrong. I got on the phone and told my MIL that if she ever said anything like that to my little one again, she would not only never see her again, but that she would never even hear the sound of her voice!!!! It did the trick, she behaved herself; however, I never let them be together in the same room again without supervision. She was mean, but I was determined!!! Protect your family first!!!
Linda

Dear Elaine, I can relate totally. I figured Mom had Dementia, but then again, she's always been mean. She drank and smoked and did prescription medications heavily, too, so I thought that is contributing. We had her tested over and over, still no one was convinced it's Dementia. She even had herself tested for "memory" issues. She's 73. Finally, her new Geriatrician referred her to a Geriatric Assessment Speciality Clinic, who diagnosed her as having a Serious Personality Disorder. Something my sister and I observed as children, but no one would listen to us. Her primary care physician said he thinks there's some Dementia, too. No matter, Mom is still very mean, backbiting while I'm out of earshot, and divisive. "Always has been..." Unfortunately, I am my mother's Guardian and Caregiver. I'm hiring done what I can, and trying to establish healthy boundaries. Those are my tactics at present. She's being treated for Depression, too, but we've seen no positive changes in Mom, yet.

SusieQ made some good points. So what to do? Get medical support, and protect yourself and little one, as a loving mother would, perhaps limiting your contact, unless absolutely necessary. It's a rough road, but not impossible. We can be loving and firm, without being destroyed in the process. We don't have to succumb to their level. Why allow a vindictive person sway with our precious and vulnerable emotions? Practice makes perfect. Prayer helps. Take care :)

Dear SusieQ, that is a tough one.  But you need to put your immediate family first.  And that does not include the MIL.  This can destroy relationships, especially if there is nothing medically wrong, and only mental.  But are you sure there is nothing medically wrong?  Usually this is the attitude, if something is wrong medically. I just know with my dad, I thought he was just turning mean in his old age, but the dementia didn't show itself medically first, only mentally, and friends and family did not see this until much later. Because of this, it destroyed friendships and family relationships.

Dear Elaine, I am so happy to hear your story. It turned out just like my dad's, with a happy ending so far. But there are many more chapters to come. You take care, and enjoy being the daughter again. I am too.

You all take care, and bless you all.

I know I'm responding to a post from 2008 but it heped me feel better about my decision not to be taken in by or manipulated my MIL. She "plays" weak and wants me to run after her and when I'm out of earshot, she talks very hateful about me and is now starting on on my granddaughter who is 8 years old! I keep looking for signs of dementia or depression and can't find any.... she's just plain mean!!! My husband saus she's always been that way... I always try to look for the good in everyone, but when she plays such mean spirited mind games, like saying really nasty things about me or my grandbaby to a family memebr, then call ME to say "I told Jane something but I was just testing her to see i she will tell you, because I aked her not to" In whose world is asking a child to keep secretes from her mom a good thing??
But Jane DID tell me and my MIL didin't just "say something" she ranted for 30 minutes about me and my grandbaby!!
Should I confront her? if anyone reads this, please let me know if I should just forget it. I have even thought of putting a recording devise on my phone so my husband will see for himself how different she is with me then with him... or maybe play it for her doctor???

Elaine,
So glad to hear that you have turned the corner in your life and that of your mom's life. It is such a hard decision and it is so good to see it work out for you. Hope we all have your success. God Bless
Linda

Elaine, what a blessing! Isn't it a relief to lift that burden off your shoulders, and find a nurturing place for your loved one? Thanks for sharing your story, and your light!

Well mom has been in Assited Living with Memory Care unit for a week now, and she is doing great. I've been able to go see her twice now, and it has been great. She thinks she is at home.
She is going to the activities (which i knew she would).
The staff said they wish all the residents adjust like her. This has been such a blessing for her and me. Now i can enjoy her more, and be the daughter and not the caregiver. I was so afraid she would not adjust well, but she has. I just praise the Lord Jesus for all of it.
I have been coming out of the fog and feel i can be a better avocate for her now.

Blessing for all, Elaine

Dear lovingdaughter, there's a mansion waiting for you in heaven. You have a light heart, and good attitude in spite of your circumstances. You're doing a great job!

Mitzi, sorry to hear your Dad is declining. Does your Mom really have dizziness? (Or just another ploy?) Hope you're hanging in there!

Take care, all!

You simply tell your mother that it is NOT working out for you and that she is no longer welcome to share your household - she will have to make other arrangements. You are not obligated to allow anyone to live in your house who is over the age of 18. Don't let her "guilt" you into it! It will be your undoing.

mitzi,
Do you think that there is special place for us in heaven? One with no phones, diapers, or good- for -nothing siblings? I sure hope so!!!! Glad your dad seems happy. I guess that is all we can ask for at this time in their lives. Just wish, sometimes, there was a thank you that went along with the " I want". Keep up the good work and spirits high!

Linda

Don't ya just love mothers? I saw mine today and she's sitting up for once and says, "Sabrina, I want you to tell me seriously... do you think I have a brain tumor with my dizziness?"

I couldn't even hold it back. I said, "What the hell made you come up with that?" Then no sooner does she ask that and she asks me if she can get my phone number. I flat out told her no. She asks me about what if its an emergency? I told her that there are many people here that can evaluate her first and rush her to the hospital if necessary then call me. I'm done with the crying wolf act and she was not going to call me 15 times a day. I also told her I'd call her during the week, but she doesn't answer her phone.

I'm sorry her sister is gone and she has no one to talk to, but she created this mess, not me. It was pretty pathetic actually. I can tell dad is going downhill too. Poor thing. What a horrible disease. Just breaks my heart but the administration tells me just how wonderfully happy he is around everyone and just makes them all smile and laugh. I'm so glad to hear that! Makes me know I have both of them well cared for.

God bless hon!

Mom said today that she does not want me to sacrifice my life for her. All well and good. Then she said "How much money do I have left"? So much for wanting to move out. The money is always the bottom line. I don't want to put her in a nursing home, but when we go away this winter, she may have to go for 3 weeks. I hate the cold weather and want to go see my daughter in Texas. I am retired and we have the best years ahead of us. I won't let her take that away from me.

Elaine, my father (with Alzheimer's) works much better with others than with me. Its this taking care of family thing he has that a daughter should not take care of the family. So my father is much happier in his new surroundings. Fortunately I was able to get him in just before a little more decline. He has learned his routine and it helps him greatly.

As for mom... well, all I can say is she just is what she is. She gave up manipulating the staff to get my attention. I will not give her my phone number (since she forgot). She's adapting, but being she's lived a life of self-absorbed and gets depressed if things do not go her way, I've had to adjust my emotions accordingly.

There will be an adjustment period, and if your assisted living facility is like mine, I had to fill out questionnaires as thick as an inch regarding their routines, their likes/dislikes, hobbies, bathing routine, etc. They try to make the new place like home but with assistance. That is exactly how it should be. I was able to stress the importance of some issues with mom that they have come to discover, and so all is good in the land. I see her for a "very short" time every week, and that is all. I have no guilt over her position and I know she is well taken care of. I could not provide that for her.

Do your best. Breathe. Pray. Exhale. You will both get through this.

Nauseated: I'm so glad it has gone so well with your dad. I'm praying that mom will do the same. That has really up lifted me to hear your story.

Mitzipink: I also look for the phone calls. Just praying they are mininum. She is so struck to my hip. Other than her going to day care was all we had. If i got out of her site to long she was wondering where i was.

I think this is going to be like your kids they will do better for others....lol

Thanks for advice, Elaine

Elaine, I moved my parents last August into assisted living. At that time it was a move that really had no choice (too long a story to tell). The facility told me it takes approximately three months to get adjusted.

Being that mom is dysfunctional to the hilt, she is just now starting to slightly adjust after eight months. With dad's slow decline with Alzheimer's she gets depressed at each new level of decline.

But be prepared for possible phone calls, adjustments, and so forth. It will change, but it will be hard for both of you for a bit.

Life will get more calm, and make sure you have some advocates for you within the assisted living. That helps tremendously!! It will help with her visits and she will discover friends and if the staff is worth their weight, they will make it so nice for her. They can approach her with a different perspective than you can, which also makes the conversion a little easier.