I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Life is too short to keep company with someone who is "rude and hateful." You are being used by this person. I would dump him like a hot potato.
Dar
Night.
Linda
Very well put!
scpirate
I'm so glad you had the courage to change this situation. You are now a better daughter as you can care for your mother without the resentment of unsustainable living conditions. Good for you!
Carol
I know that my mother says no one else can do anything, but its amazing when I'm impossible to get ahold of, how she manages just fine.
Don't get guilted. She can be happy in her misery with someone else too. :)
It sounds like you are making sure that your Mom is getting cared for. When we went to see a family therapist about my Mom who lives with us, I told her that I felt like I wasn't doing enough. My mother reinforces that by actions and things she says. The therapist said that I was taking great care of my Mom but not the way my mother would like.My mother lives with us and it has been a difficult past few months. It's hard to tell if her controlling behavior is a result of disease, personality, meds or all of it. Whatever it is I am working on getting some of my life back too!
Good luck!!
I put my mother in an assisted living facility about three weeks ago. It was a very difficult decision,since my mother had been living with us for over three years. We sought counseling prior to our decision and then had a talk with my mother and explained that she could no longer live with us. It was a difficult discussion for all. My mother was very angry!! She is in a lovely facility and seems to be adjusting well. We can now have a discussion as mother and daughter again. She laughs and smiles. I was expecting the worst, but all turned out well. My husband and I have our life back, and mother is being well cared for. We all need to do what is best for all at the time. Good luck to you and keep in touch.
It's good that you are recognizing this and standing up to it.
Carol
We welcome the men to this sight. It gives us hope and another perspective. You are very fortunate to have siblings who help and care for your parents. Most of us have experienced the opposite. Keep writing as this site has been a blessing to all of us.
Linda
I am probably one of few male contributors to this forum (though I note that many have their partners/wives to pen their thoughts as both are collectively looking after their aged parents/parents in law etc.
I have 3 other brothers (one of them stay with us with his wife and kid) and a sister who lives with her own family but contribute to looking after her mother in law who is 83 and had recently suffered a fall and has multiple illnesses too.
While I am single, I can truly empathize the many stories of the sandwiched generation. While in Asia, there is much emphasis on filial duties etc, we are also seeing many instances of family issues regarding care of their elderly parents.
One thing I did recently when my parents were in a strange way, taking turns to be in hospital, I took to writing down my thoughts and recollections of being brought up by them. I know there are many who have had very bad childhood and growing up years with their elderly - I also had my fair share too but overall, I am grateful for many things too - :
(a) they both, only until recently have had good health - and gave us many decades of independence and freedom to pursue our dreams and careers.
(b) they taught us well - especially of how to look out for each other as siblings (we are quite close knit - and in recent years have been in much more communication about our aging parents)
(c) they both love each other much and also traveled to many places in their younger days
(d) they showed us that even with the most serious arguments or fights, they also make up - they kept the family together in its ups and downs.
I tell my sister that I am grateful for the opportunities to do things for them now - having left my corporate job for a lower paying teaching one - after more than 22 years. I cook for them once a week - and I drive them around whenever they need to for doctors' appointments or our Buddhist meetings or gatherings.
I also dread the eventual end - I pray every day that they will be free of unnecessary pain from any illnesses or falls or accidents at home. They had resisted the suggestion of a domestic helper until recently - as I explained that I would not be always available. If and when I do have activities to attend, such as dinners or dates or the gym, I will inform my siblings so that some kind of arrangements can be made to ensure that someone is at home, until our domestic help comes in.
Just some thoughts to share - we are different yet we are the same - in dealing with the cycle of life. Take care !
Is assisted living an option for your Mom, or, in-home home health care, maybe?
May be good to start looking into those options now while you still have some time. In the interim, it helps to take lots of breaks and slow down. In what ways is your Mom "stronger" when you are not looking?
Sometimes gently saying, "I can only do one thing at a time, and I am a little bit slower," works magic for you as the caregiver, and is something your loved one needs to hear as well. I am never ashamed to admit to feeling that way when I am unable to keep pace as well as I would like to do as a full-time caregiver.
It doesn't get any easier, that's for sure. God bless you in your tireless support of your Mom. Share your feelings anytime. This is a great place to share and to realize that you are not alone in your feelings.
Chin up and God bless!
Thanks again,
Happy,sad,glad