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Lisa, my message got cut off. As I was saying-You owe your mother thanks for giving you life, but you don't owe her your life. Break the cycle. Show your children how much you love them. Get out of this situation. Your brother is a codependent. I taught school for 32 years and had many ADHD students. Laziness is a taught trait, not one inherent of ADHD. You show so many good qualities. Give your attention to your self and your children. You will be so happy you did. Good Luck.
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Alice, Lisa, Neon - all of you - take care of yourselves. It's so hard to drop the guilt. But, no one owes their health, life, marriage, children's future and all else to stay and care for a parent. Most parents, if they still could think, would not want this.

We should do our best, and in many instances that is to find outside help, call in social services, even get a court appointed guardian, because the relationships in the family are so dysfunctional and toxic that the parent's care can't be handled any other way. That is not a reason for guilt.

Some of you have put up with far too much abuse already - from parents and even siblings. You need to resolve - yes tomorrow will be a new year - resolve to take care of yourself and get the help you need to do that and to take care of the family situation.

Stay strong. That means detaching from the situation enough to drop the guilt and get the help you need.
Carol
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I did not mean to make it sound like all peaches and cream with Mom but I think the way we make it work is by setting guidelines --- "I know you don't want to do this (day center,bath,teeth brushing etc) but you have to to continue living here." I make the statement straight up and matter of factly and than proceed. I have my mom call my sisters (2) everyday, and then I have to listen to why do you do this?,why did you do that, she said this or that, she deserves to sit and do nothing if that is what she wants, why don't you do this, etc etc etc. I let them know too "you can choose to believe everything she says or realize she says things that aren't always accurate" "if you want you can take her for a week or so" {that one goes over like a lead balloon} "well she wouldn't call me and tell me these things if they weren't true" etc etc etc. I have total care of mom but the only way I manage is being direct with both her and my sisters. They want to poor mom and I want her to do the most that she can. When she was in the nursing home she couldn't even walk - I was the ONLY one that said she can do it if you make her. She now can take 47 steps with a walker. I have to help her get up and it is slow going but she can do it. At first it was just "all you have to do is stand and then sit back down" then "all I am asking is 1 small step" Like I say for mom -- use it or lose it -- of course my sisters think I am mean........but I am who I am and it is my house and it will be my way. Don't think I am mean - I really am very loving. It is just to run my life, and hers, with any sort of order there has to be effort on both our parts. Thanks for listening.
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I cared for my mother and father, now i'm caring for my mother-in-law. What I have learned from my caregiving cannot be measured. I learned that our parents sacrificed privacy, money, socializing, and their physical well-being to help us through our early years, until we could stand on our own two feet.

I have also learned that caregiving is not for everyone. It takes a real heart and soul commitment to care for a family member--no matter what the cost! It is most important to realize that you are not alone, that once you have decided to take care of someone, you must find out all the resources available to you--utilizing the resource center on aging in your area, the United Way, and the Senior Citizen centers close to you. There are many resources available--but you must do the research and make the calls.

For those that have decided that taking care of a family member is more than they can handle--ask these above mentioned resources to help you place your family member where they would get the best care that is affordable to you and your family.

Making any decision is difficult--delaying a decision due to doubt-fear-misinformation and poor planning is inexcusable--it makes it difficult for your family and for your senior family member, but most of all for you!

Lastly, make sure that if you do place your family member in a caregiving facility--do not forget to visit often, bring them their favorite snack, cookie, or thing they enjoy, and make sure they have plenty of pictures of their family around them. But, most of all show and tell them how much you "love them".
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mmedina,I'm sure you probably didn't mean for your statement to come across the way it did.
" I have also learned that caregiving is not for everyone. It takes a real heart and soul commitment to care for a family member--no matter what the cost!"

Trust me,I had real heart and soul commitment for the past 20 years of my adult life.No matter what the cost is a pretty strong statement.Have you ever tried caregiving when you have breast cancer?To pay with your own health and maybe even your very life is a pretty steep price.I worked in a nursing home for 4 years,caring for the forgotten alot of times.I came home many times crying because I could only do so much.And when all other family members are affected,should they pay too?My circumstances are quite different I suppose,maybe that's why I feel the way I do.
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I am so thankful to find there are so many of us although wish there wasn't but I don't feel so alone. How do you set guidelines when it eithere, isn't heard, I've tried writing it down and bingo big argument, or just has the attitude I gave birth to you You have to take care of me???? I agree with the above, or its all about me me me?

She isn't ready for a nursing home and when the time does come thats exactly where she is going that's what they are there for. I work for a Healthcare system and it is only 3 min away so I will keep an eye on whats going on anyway I am a force to be reckoned with and the people over there know it. All 5/2 122 lbs of me. When dad was in the hospital for the last time they had a plastic tube in his rectum. He was skin and bones hadn't ate in 3 weeks, had a massive stroke and was told to keep him comfy and not worry with anything else because we knew this was it. I blew out of that room because he was in so much pain from it and told them whoever the smart ass was that put that tube in his ass better get it out right now or I would put it up theirs, Oh boy, (I work there) what a ruckus oh the doctor ordered it. Well, I don't care who ordered it, I just ordered it out and I mean now. It was taken out poor man. The little nurse was so petrified by me I think they had to hold her for a few hours before she could go back to work.

Anyway, I get off track sometimes..... When mom goes the government can take her SS check I don't care, I just want peace. I wish you all the same and hopefully a Happy New Year. neon
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Neon,

Tell us how you really feel! You don't have to sugarcoat it for us! You are certainly a spitfire and I love it.

My mom is 90 and still lives in her home of 50 years. I do more and more for her so she can stay in her home. I certainly don't want her living with me and elder care would mean just as much work or maybe more for me. Besides with assisted living or nursing home care I would lose control of what was being done. Like sticking a tube up her rectum. (That's just plain cruel. What are the medical types thinking?)

I write complaining emails to my sister who lives on the other side of the country and she told me that I am enabling Mother to live in her home. Well I guess I am. Isn't that the point of what I'm doing? I guess my sister thinks I should stick her in assisted living and walk away. I'd like to do that but it's just not the right thing to do. The woman is like a child and she looks to me to guide her around in a very confusing world.

I hate being out with her in the ice and snow because her balance is so poor and she reels around. She has fallen a couple of times and bounced with no problems. I pick up her earrings and glasses and help her get up. But what if she falls on me and I get hurt? I've had a couple of injuries doing things for her. Serious stuff that required medical care.

She doesn't seem to consider the possibiltiy that I can be incapacitated. I suppose it's the narcissism that has plagued her all her life. And she really doesn't have much capacity to reason. Never has. Did she never grew up because she didn't have to earn a living and deal with the real world? I'd like to have her brain autopsied when she dies. I wonder if there is a big tumor or malformation somewhere. It's just beyond me how anyone can be so self-centered and uncaring about those around her especially when she needs others for her survival.

What a dopey frustrating situation this all is.
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mmedina,
I just need to add a note to your comment about all the sacrifices our parents made. My mother sacrificed her life because of my dad. HE never sacrificed anything. And just so you know, I took care of him his last years, and have no regrets. But I did that because my mother taught me how to be in this world. I did not sacrifice myself for him, I simply did what needed to be done. But had I not had YEARS of therapy, I would not have given that man the time of day, much less my time and energy. Not all parents are loving and kind. I would love to be able to tell you I loved him, but I did not. He made that happen, not me. There are a lot of crazy,dysfunctional old folks out there getting very good care because we are good people with good hearts. But not everyone can take the abuse and still have a life. He did not abuse me while in my care, there were some boundries set before I even attempted to take him on. Each one of us have our limits and that is what this sight is for. To help each other, listen and share.
You are very blessed to have had such great parents. Some of us did not get that blessing.
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It is very relieving to find a site like this that allows us caregivers to release our burdens. I am 26 years old and my husband is 29. We are both caring for his 55 year old mother who has suffered 4 strokes from a blood clotting disorder and can no longer live alone. Like many others, she was in a nursing home prior to moving in with us. This is a very difficult situation. My husband has taken care of his mom since 2000 and has put his life on hold just for her. I must admit she is a wonderful person that was a single mom caring for her son and before this last stroke in 2007 she actually introduced me to her son and we were soon married after that. I thought that her living with us would not be so bad, as I moved from one state to another and did not have my own family close, but I am now feeling the pressure of caregiving and still trying to have a life. Fortunately, I was able to complete graduate school, however my husband only has a high school education and he wishes to go to college. We have no idea how to make this all happen. And to complicate matters even more, I am currently pregnant with our first child due in April. My husband and I have had many conversations about setting boundaries around caregiving for his mother and building our own family. We are trying to discern our own limitations. One thing that I do know is that if I go beyond my own limitations/boundaries, I become very frustrated and angry which affects how wholeheartedly I am caring for my mother in law. I do believe it is our duty as caregivers to know our limitations and pass the torch when necessary. Half-hearted caregiving can be damaging to all involved. I just wish there was a better solution than a nursing home. We have tried the home aid, but medicaid has only approved our mother for a certain amount of hours which still leaves her alone and private help is completely unaffordable at this time.
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Dear Dejavu,

You are a well spoken, lovely person. I started caregiving for my father at the same age as you are now. I am now 46 and am still doing it, not half heartedly, no heartedly. My mother and father both live with me after losing my home in Hurricane Katrina. My father, too, has had 3 strokes and is in a wheelchair permanently. My advice to you, is with your new baby coming, you may need to consider putting her in a nursing home. I was pregnant for my first child when my dad has his first stroke 21 years ago. My oldest daughter is now 21 years old and has many frustrations about growing up around sickness. I didn't know I affecting her at the time, but she is quite angry about it now.

I know it is hard, at one time, I would have chose taking care of my parents over what my husband and children wanted, thinking I was doing the right thing for caring and wonderful parents. It is not worth giving up your life for. I am now 20 years older and my life is passing me by. I don't know when any of this will end and neither do you and your husband.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just don't want to see you 20 years down the line feeling as desperate as I do.

Love,
marylynne
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Hi, I agree with MLV3000,

Life is short and carries no guarantees as to what the future holds. Focus on your husband and baby. My advice to all of you who are in this situation and are still young is to plan ahead! You see what it is like. We have one daughter who will be thirty next summer. I have promised her that I will never put her in the position that I am in with my mom. We have a house that is much too big for us. When the market gets a little better, we are selling, moving to a more manageable home and putting money in a trust so that the state can't get their greedy hands on it. Get a good estate lawyer and let that person plan your future so that you will be taken care of and your family will not suffer. Long term health care to too expensive and does not cover everything, but a good lawyer can tell you the alternatives. I love my daughter enough to not want her to spend her life taking care of me and missing out on what I am missing out on. Good Luck and congratulations on the baby!
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Hello all,

It always makes me feel better to come here and read your stories. Feeling that others are in the same boat is somewhat soothing and makes me feel a little better about caring for dad.

Its really hard being a daughter and caring for your father. I have seen to many things over the past 5 1/2 years that can never go away, I am tired and ready to live my life but of course, dad still needs help and I am the only one here. And its not fair that I have 3 other sisters that are living their lives with no care of dad in the world. But, we all know this and still I am doing it.

Things have changed--dad has his own apartment now but just went through another episode first fallying and breaking his ribs that turned out to be 5 ribs and not 2. Then he went into delusions for 2 weeks while I was on vacation. Every vacation it happens its always some big episode to be sure I worry about him my whole time away.

The doctors don't want dad to live alone but they don't want to live with him either. I have one more week off and I am spending it getting all the help for dad that I can. My cousin has been helping a little bit but just that little big helps so much. I have found 3 places that will take him to his appointments for free and he is using these services--we had a discussion about it and I told him look I cannot be with you 24/7 and I have a huge load this semester at school since its my last. So he is not allowed to turn down any help we get. I want him to go into assisted living but he of course does not want to be with the old people he always tells me. THe doctors tell me he is going to get worse and worse--I don't know what else to do besides what I am.

I am hoping with a little help I won't have to do everything. Just that will help me.
But, I am tired and I know how everyone else feels--sometimes I am crazy with all of this being so much and somehow it gets done. Not knowing when an end will come has to be the biggest thing of all.

dejavu--you need to thing of yourself and your baby because this could go on for a long period of time. You or your husband do not owe your lives to care of her. Their are places for her that you can visit on your terms. I hope you can do this for your sake and the new babies.
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I just got a flyer about calling 211 that seems to be handled by United Way- Iplan to call to see if they could help me some- the spianal specialist and P.T. tell me I can't do much but of course thet do not understand how it is to take care of a very disabled husband,
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Hi haven't posted in a couple of days I am very tired. Everyone should hope they are in the physical condition my mother is in at 82. I hope I am but already I am far above her in deterioration of the body. I go go go gogo and this is just another day no happy new year here. I hope One day I can get to the point when all I have to do is eat sleep, do puzzles and watch tv. Think I will lay down awhile. Thats what irratates me to no end I have so much to do and after I get it done she says Oh I would have helped you. I could just slap her hows that for a loving daughter. I have tried to show her how it feels to be loved and taken care of but it just goes right over her head or she just doesn't care she thinks about her own meals but never ever fixes anything for me or my husband. That hurts. there are so many things to say and I don't feel like it I am just so tired. But wanted to check in and let you know I am still here.
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I have read all the e-mails and see so many of us are in the same boat. I just won a trip to Las Vegas. Was so excited!! Thought hubby and I could go for our 36th anniversary in April. Told my mother that she would have to have respite care while we were gone(app three days) and she began to cry and pout. She told us she could take care of herself while we were gone. She lives with us, uses a wheelchair for mobility, needs help with personal care, never fixes her own meals etc, BUT SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF WHILE WE ARE GONE!!!!. I let her know that this was not an option. She then went to bed and pouted. The next day she told me she would go for respite care. "she didn't like it, but she woud go". I am so sick and tired of her selfishness. My husband and I have not had a break from caring for her in almost three years! Are all people her age this selfish? From reading all the e-mails it sure sounds that way! By the way, I chickened out about putting her in a nursing home after seeing her response when confronted with respite care only. It just seems I have less patience with her and am becoming more and more frustated every day. I want my life back and don't know how to do it! This is not how I thought I would spend my life. I am 61 and my husband is 67. We thought this would be our time. I know I agreed to let her live in my home, but she only thinks about herself and no one else. Thanks for letting me vent, again.
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Wow, wow..Seems we def. are the "sandwich" generation, caring for parents and our own families.
I think they all raised us on "guilt"!or we are all catholics!!
I feel guilty when I fuss about my mom! Im still so grateful to have her, but OH my God I miss my life.
Miss having friends and being able to go when i want and do what I want. Miss my own "stuff"...being able to read a book or take a walk go to happy hour after work or to go out. 7 years and Im looking at alot more, shes 77 and in relatively good shape, a broken hip shoulder, a fall on the ice(Christmas day) thank goodness she was oka!
Seems were all in the same boat. Why are they so mean? Why didnt they stay in contact with there friends? Why have they turned so selfish?
I think its their generation.
They expect it specially from us daughters!
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I agree Sidney -- we don't want them shuffled off to a nursing home where they are a number but sure wish they would mellow out a little. I try to imagine how it must be to go from a vital adult to and old lady. Mom is only 88 but she really can't do anything - she was going to the day care 3 times a week and has now cut down to 2 times and she just sits and naps and reads. She has hearing aids but they don't help much - when I am talking and she doesn't want to be bothered she just waves me off / she can't hear certain tones she says. There is nothing to do for her hearing because she has age related deafness. We go once a year to the audiologist for tests. She was going 3 times a week to a day care and has cut that down to 2 times. Sometimes I look at her and try to remember when she was the MOM and I was the kid.....the roles are reversed now huh?
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Dawndav, it's hard to remember how they were when they were vital and doing things. You'll likely have to mentally work your way back through all of the this over a period of time, once she is gone, to rediscover that part of your mother. I always encourage people to do that. It's worth it. But while you are "in it," it's often hard to remember them as anything but who they are now. It may seem unfair to them, but caregiving can be so wearing that you just get by day by day.

Hang in. It sounds like she's reasonably content, so that's good. You're doing well.
Carol
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Heavyload,
Don't let your mom play on your guilt. Go on your trip. My husband and I have not seen our daughter more than a few days in a year. She lives halfway across the country, so mom is gong to a home for 2 weeks. We have a 2 week minimum for respite care at our nursing homes. I don't care what she says because I know that if she objects, she is not thinking clearly, so I have to think for her. I am going to see our daughter in a few months. My daughter and husband come first. We all come first as caregivers. We just forget it sometimes!
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Hello Everyone,

Dads only 65 and that's young and I have been doing this for going on 6 years. And the guilt thing I feel it every day why? Don't know, just I feel sorry for him but I am tired too. And catholic too. I am 42 and I want my life back because I can't think of a time when dad was a good dad just his drinking and today we went out and I am so scared he will fall I am a nervous reck. But he was talking about when he drank and all the "fun" he had and I said now "we" are paying for all that fun.

But I still know when I see him is the only time I see he is happy then he goes today you know how I get. Like he wanted sympathy for the broken arm and now with five broken ribs he said he'd rather forget the sympathy. He thinks everyone is going to rally around him if he's sick. First, it was when he was trying to stop drinking and he ended up in the hospital every week because the drinking was killing him now its killing me. How do you win at this???

Oh well, we are still here what do ya do? I told him today he might have to think about going into assisted living again because next week I start my full schedule and cannot be their all day long. He said he would if he has to. We shall see, I guess he's ok if he can get over the pain of the ribs. But the dementia according to the doctors is going to get worse and I would like it to be his decision and not have to force the issue.

Well ladies another day is almost gone and he's still on my mind. We each live with it and yes they are selfish. My cousin has been helping here and their and his wife's dad died and my dad said I hope she can still do my laundry. That's the way they are, I told him not to worry about her at all as long as his laundry gets done...

Talk to you soon, take care..
Alice
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Alicemb,
Someone said to me the other day, " When it is no longer safe for you or your loved one , then it is time to go to a facility that can make things safe for both of you." I never thought of it that way. Taking in our elders can make us feel that we are doing the right thing. But sometimes, it isn't the best for both of us. My mom fell on Christmas Eve, and though she was alright, I realized that the day is coming when she will be too much for me to handle. Unfortunately, our health system is not designed to help the caregiver. Most times it is only good for the HMO and whoever is lining their pockets!!! My Dr. said that the only way I can get her into a facility for the therapy she needs( Parkinson systems), is for her to break a leg or hit her head and be unresponsive. Just being weak is not a reason!!! How many times does she have to fall before she really hurts herself?
Yes , you are right, the elderly are really only focused on themselves. I hope I remember all this if I live to her age, 87!! Hang is there Alice, you are in our prayers and thoughts.
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Morning yaall I read a pretty good little book last nite, "Caregivers reprive". pretty good just a quick read but insightful, at least for me.
Last night was interesting! I went to the post office an took my pup with me an went for about a 45min/ hour walk. When I came home mom was up (since she fell she hasnt really gotten up,her hip hurts has a Doc appt today) an started right in! Huffing about how dirty the house is, what a mess yipyip (house isnt dirty just not done the way she wants it done) I was like wow.... oka, so I fed my pup an went into my room. When I came out she had thrown the coffee filter w/grounds! "she said they "fell" Okaaaaa Then she just yipyipyipyip, id had enough and told her "look Im making your meals my meals doing laundry cleaning the house taking care of your dog an mine and hellooo! I just had surgery too! So if the house isnt "pristine" OH WELL!" I figured she was feeling well enough to get up and pick up she could pick up her mess too!! (I came back later and finished cleaning it up)
My God ! why are they soo... why are they like that!!
Its not even that I want to live away from her, i just cant do that, but shit a little emphathy would help!
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Today, I am feeling like I could just die. I had a similar situation last night. Big blow out with mom and wanted to tell her she has to leave. I can't literally stand her any more. She makes me so nervous that I want to just give up.

Love,
Marylynne
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Marylynn you cant give up girl ya just cant! Your girls need ya an your grumpie ol mom too.
i just got in touch with Central Ohio Area Agency on Aging I dont know if they can help or not but I feel better knowing there there and I am going to call them. Im sure there is an agency in your area call, it cant hurt , it may help!
Seems like most of yaall on here are dealing with way more than I am.
huggs
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Sidney,
Have you told your mom to do it herself if your work isn't up to her standards. If my mom complains, I tell her to show me how she would like it done. Imagine that, she can't. Then I say to her, well then it just has to be done my way and if she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. She stops because she knows I mean it. Be tough, don't yell, get very quiet. She may change her tune. Good luck,
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loving thank you
but she wont change her tune,,90% of the time im very calm dont raise my voice never lose my temper, in fact i really HATE the way i act around her sometimes. I am amazed how much i hvae changed and sometimes i feel like the life, my soul is being crushed right out of me.. I hate it!
My brother use to tel my Mom "Ali's just a free spirit mom" id like to get that "spirit" back , but I am afraid its gone at least hiding somewhere!
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Thank you lovingdaughter for your words, I always feel better after I write here. I am trying not to fight with my husband today about my dad but only half the day is gone so we'll see.

I told my dad yesterday that my husband is making me go to marriage counseling because of all this and he said well maybe the guy will say you should get divorced. I said maybe he will tell me I should not give you any time at all and my husband is right. I hate this situation that I am in--I have to be a nervous reck all the time because while wanting to help my dad my husband is going crazy because he knows as well as I do that my dad uses these things to get his way. But then again sometimes he does need my help and my husband thinks I should just walk away and not see him ever again. How can I do that? I don't know how, maybe the marriage counselor will tell me to do that I don't know anymore.

At least I know I am not the only one who is going through this situation. I am hoping for a smooth day today and hopefully it will turn out that way.

Everyone else take care--I hope your days go good also.

Alice
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All this time I thought I was alone! My father passed away last year and my husband and I decided to let my mom move in with us. We sold her house and had a house built to accommodate us. Our 5 children are grown now so it's just mom and us. I'm an only child (50 years old) and now that mom is almost 80, everything comes down on me. I work full-time, come home and cook, clean, etc. She, too, keeps the heat up so high that it's a constant suana in our house. She doesn't pay any of the bills, we buy all of her groceries, and we are on a very fixed income. I don't have the heart to tell her to move so I just keep my feelings between my husband and myself. If I go somewhere, she insists on coming with me. The only time to myself in one day is to and from work (15 minutes each way). She hates it when my husband and I go on a "date" and don't include her. I love her, but I'm exhausted. She took very good care of me when I was a child, but she was younger than I am now. Taking care of an aging parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Heaven forbid I be alone! We've lived in our house almost one year now and I've never been alone in it. She even arranges things the way she wants them! Ughhhh!
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Mom needs to pay rent. You need to set guidelines. She needs to honor them. I did that with my mom. We too built our house and added an apartment for her. I am a retired teacher and have a pension so we us it to pay the bills. Mom's money pays the property taxes
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My message got cut off. It is not love when our parents set the guilt traps, but fear. They are afraid of what is coming, the shortness of the days to come and the inability to steer their own lives. It must be very scary. If you want to be alone in your home, can you arrange for her to go to an elder day care facility a few days a week? When mom was able , one of her caregivers would take her shopping and I would stay home. Just loved to hear the silence!! Don't give up; you are not alone.
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