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I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Dear Heavyload,

Having the same trouble. My mom and dad both live with me since Hurricane Katrina and cannot find a way to ask them to leave.

If you get any suggestions, let me know.

Marylynne
(4)
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Dear Heavyload,
I know exactly how you feel. My parents moved in 2-1/2 years ago too. My Dad just passed away last Tuesday. My Mom is in very good health.
There is no easy way to ask a mother to leave. May I suggest you get her involved with a local senior center? At least she would have some activity and socializing during the day.
Can she do for herself? If not, there are agencies that will assist with personal care each day. Call your town hall and find out what's available to you. At least you would have some help. Good luck.
Sha
(2)
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My dad is at a hotel now because I finally found the words to tell him I am not going to be his slave anymore. I still feel guilty but also good. Good luck. You will feel better when your focus is back on yourself as it should be. I just got to realize he made all his decisions to make him into a mean lonely old man at 65 years young. Thats right he is still young and from drinking he is sick and I don't want to suffer his life choices any more. It is hard or I would not be writing this at 2 a.m.

I am glad I could at lease write my feelings down and help someone I hope. It will never stop if you keep doing everything and you feel more and more hate and regret then you ever will know by keeping up something you don't want to do. Live your life not theirs--they have other choices too not just you.
(14)
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Daughters need to stop being martyrs or they will perish. I call my mother "the Momster" because she is a deeply unhappy, nasty old woman. She doesn't "deserve to be," as people have told me, just because she is in pain from fibromyalgia, neuropathy, etc. She sucked the life out of me for years, and I long ago decided not to let her. I am spending every cent of her money, and may have to go on to mine, to hire 24-hour caregivers. Which leads me to the point: Why do we have no option but nursing homes? Take a look at the healthcare systems in the social democracies of Scandinavia. Scream bloody murder to your politicians to make some changes so that we don't have to ruin our lives for our parents.
(15)
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Thank you for that I totally agree, Why do we have to be guilty because we want our own lives? I know that my parents never took care of their parents and why do they expect us to care for them?

I agree with your idea to talk to our politicians to we are blue in the face--but I know what I am going to do when the time comes--actually my husband and I have made provisions because we have no children and if we did we would not want to burden them with our illnesses or our grief. We have many friends and now we are getting our lives back without dad and his unhappy non-drinking self. He is a dry drunk because he can't drink because it gets him very sick. So I just realize (after 7 years) that he did this to himself not me....no one else is around him and its no wonder why--I hear he already called my sisters who all said that he could not come to them.....

Thanks for letting me vent
(7)
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I had to deal with a similar situation caring for my father who had early onset dementia. I had been the sole caregiver for him in my home for the past 6 years. It was very difficult trying to balance out my career and family while being a caregiver. Six months ago it came to the point where my father's condition due to dementia and Alzhiemer's got so bad that his behavior was getting out of control and I soon realized he needed a professional full time caregiver to take care of him properly. It was a very challenging decision to make but after a lot of family discussions we agreed that finding full time care was the best choice for everyone. Try a placement agency that focuses on finding the right fit based on our needs. Within 2 weeks of contacting your senior care we placed my father in a long term care facility that feels more like a 4 star hotel then a nursing home. He gets very good care and has even improved in his condition due to the activities the facilities put on the help patients keep engaged.
(3)
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I know it can be tough. My parents no longer live with me and in fact, we have a rented home for them with a live-in caregiver. Other alternatives you might consider are Residential Board and Care Facilities. These are group homes which have anywhere from 6-10 residents with an administrator and a small caregiving staff. They are taken care of 24 hours a day, have the feel of a real "home". In my opinion, a nursing home is the worse place you can send your parents. There are so many better alternatives.

Rose Broyles
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Hopeful Caregiver,

I am going to discuss this with my sister and see if we can work something out.
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The more I think about it the more I think I did an injustice to my dad. By doing everything for him I allowed for him to become lazy and rely on someone else (me). So I think that if we don't start by catering to their every wimm that maybe they would take more responsibility for themself.

Now I feel guilty about this!! I must be crazy
(1)
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heavyload, when you are at your wit's end, it is time to have a frank conversation with your relative to say that you can no longer care for her and will work with her to find either the best assisted living or best long-term care residential solution for her. It is the only way out if that is where you are. Postponing the discussion will cause you untold stress and health issues, so take a deep breath and speak slowly.
(4)
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It is true the more we do for them the less they do for themself- my husband can go out side in his w/c opening two doors by himself and get a chain saw plug it in and cut down a bush but can't get a drink out of tge fridge or dress himself or wash himself.
(2)
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I love my mom but she is really getting the best of my family. No one else in the family even visits. She is 88 and in the late stages of Alzhiemers. She has become mean and nasty. I have a mentally challenged daughter (34, Downs) and she doesn't even call her grandma anymore. My mom fights me every step of the way!! I know she doesn't know what she is doing but still it is hard!! She no longer has control of her kidneys and bladder, she hates a bath, won't eat,(she is down to 85 pounds), hits my daughter and myself, pinches, cusses us out, won't let me touch her hair to do anything with it, is up all hours of the night. We can't afford a nursing home. If I could sleep around the clock I would!!!!
(1)
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Good Lord, I thought I had problems until I read these posts. My mom doesn't live with me, but she is 76 and alone, so I am expected to do everything for her. My brother goes about his life as if she didn't exist. He see's her once per week, to do his laundry. She expects me to be there for her constantly. I promised my dad, when he died a year ago, that I would take care of her. I can't work, I can't even keep my own home in order. Every morning when I get up, I have to call her. Then I have to ride in the car with her to go eat lunch. She scares me to death! Every night before I go to bed, I have to call her, and stay on the phone while she reads her emails, which I sent her.
None of this would be so bad if she wasn't so mentally abusive towards me. She constantly talks about my brother having it so bad. I would gladly exchange lives with him! She never has anything good to say to me. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Today she verbally attacked me in Wendy's. I had to go outside, because she had me bawling. I don't know how much more of it I can take! I try to do everything to please her, and it never happens. I'm 48, and she makes my life a living hell.
I could never stand to have her live with me. The only sanity I have is the few hours I get to see my husband every evening.
What will I do when she becomes unable to care for herself? She does not want to go to a nursing home. I can't afford to hire somebody, but she can. The problem is that she is showing signs of dementia, and will never admit it.
I love her, and want to do the right thing, but I am wasting my life away in misery! My brother is trying to get all of her money, and I don't care, but he lied and told her I wanted to have her put in a home. He is sickening. He stayed home until he was 35, and I got married and left home at 18. Why would he do his only sibling this way? He knows I am burdened with her, but he just goes about his life as if she doesn't exist, unless he needs something. Sometimes I feel like I should leave the country! But I have 3 1/2 grandchildren, I would like to enjoy.
Ok, I'm done venting now.
(2)
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Sandy whatever you do do not take her in you will be even more miserable, my mom and I don't see eye to eye haven't since I was 16. But when my Dad couldn't drive anymore we moved in together, I have a husband and two teenage sons. I just lost my dad end of Sept. and now we have to just deal with her.
She sits all day and has no life. Not my fault, don't feel guilty you do more then enough, and the more you do the worse she will get.
Please do for you and your family first and pick your head up and be proud of all that you have done for her but keep yourself and the things you like to do first. What was she doing at your age? I'm sure not what you are doing Cheer up friend, Decor
(2)
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I am desperate! My dad is mean to me, the dogs, he's cold natured and turns up the heat so high you could bake cookies in the livingroom. He has said things to me that I will never be able to forget, things he never would have said 20 years ago when he still had love in his heart for me. Now he seems to hate me, he certainly has declared war on me. Yet, if I leave him in a lurch he would never survive. He is mostly blind, mostly deaf, has a heart condition, arthritis, and is now on Aricept (which has helped). I am the sole caretaker, my sister lives out of town and is not going to help. So basically I am sacrificing my own happiness and life to make theirs better. He has too much to qualify for aid and not enough to make ends meet, so I work two jobs and take care of him. I cry all the time, my heart races so much in the middle of the night that I can't sleep and I have no life of my own or much of anything that gives me joy. If anyone out there knows anything or any orgainization (Dallas, Texas) that can help me please let me know something. I love my father or I wouldn't do this, but this is over my head and I am drowning. Does anyone out there have any adivce for me?
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Consider starting by making an appointment with your doctor to talk about your increasing stress level and asking your doctor for social service referrals for your caregiving role to your Dad. Take a deep breath.
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Wow--its like everyone has the same parents. I hope we won't become like this. I could not deal with it.

Ok I have had my father out of my home for one month now and I try not to feel guilty but my God I need a life too. I keep telling myself that it is not my fault just like everyone else it is not our fault that they made no friends in life or that our siblings live out of state. I have three sisters out of state but you know what? If they realized how much they had to do for their parents they would move farther away. Because this is hell on earth--not our fault and I just am feeling horrible today because my dads apartment is not going to be ready for another week or two and he took off from his brothers and is staying at a hotel again.

I brought him some clothes today and I feel so guilty I cannot stand it. Why do we feel this way? Because we love our parents and find it difficult to say no. Well I found out that their are places that will help and if your parents have money they can have someone help them. And the more we do for them the more dependent they become so we have to stop and know that we deserve to live our lives just like they did. I never knew of my parents to take care of their parents so why do they make themselves our responsibility? Because we let them--if their sick they need assisted living--I found out the courts can do that if they will not themselves.

It is so hard but if dad becomes to sick he has to go to assisted living for my sake and his saftey. We cannot handle this responsibility ourselves.

Take care and keep writing it helps.
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my goodness, i dont know how i found this blog but it has totally touched my heart...I totally understand where all of you are coming from. I've felt the pain, the stress, the financial stress, emotional stress and all of the above. My father had alzheimer's and it just sucked. He didn't know who i was anymore, i mean he could take care of himself, but him not knowhing who i was after knowing him my whole life just rocked my world. So when my father got pretty bad and i just couldn't handle it anymore, i talked to my local alzheimer's organization chapter. I told them where i would like my father to be, and told them my budget, and they just took off with it, and researched, found a couple houses for me to look at in the area and then even negotiated the price for me. And so i found a house for my dad actually right down the street from me, close enough for me to visit but far enough for me to have my personal life again...so anyways they were a great help, but i still miss my father, its so tough knowiing that hes in a home but it was really the best for both of us.

So if you gusy are in any of these situation, please get help, you can't be a slave, your gonna suffer, your father or mother will suffer, your marriage can suffer, yoru financial wallet can suffer and it can just be a really really bad experience.
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There are some really good answers here. It's very hard to tell parents that it isn't working, but you must. Your marriage and family may depend on it. That is your first priority, even if it's not always easy.

Carol
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I need to get rid of the mother in law. She is 86, dementia, incontinent and ignorant. I have moved out of the house after loosing my best business account and constantly feeling sick from her smell. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. He now works part time and I am back to work at my new place. Our problem is that we have used all of her money to take care of her and now need to get her on Medicaid so she can go into a nursing home. Social Services has stated that they want bank account records of every penny that we spent on her. That is utterly impossible! Everything went into one big pot and that is what we lived on!
We are stuck in the subprime crap and also need to sell our home that we would have been able to keep had this woman not moved in with us! The SS case worker states that we are able to charge her rent but not care. What a load of crap! Where does this system get off thinking that we are supposed to care for our elders and NOT be untitled to compensation for it. what the hell are we supposed to live on??? I am thinking that if they want a record, fine, I will state that we charged her $5,000 in rent per month! That is exactly what a nursing home in this area charges. Does anyone else have any experience with this situation? It's time for mumsy to go! My husband and I need to get back to work before we loose everything we own!
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MindingourElders: yea i tried a place for mom, but when i called them, i got the worst customer service ever! they were swift with me as if they had more important people to talk to and when it came down to it they were like here are some homes do everything yourself, no hand holding, and ive never been in this situation before, so i have no clue of what to do, so then i complained to my alzheimer's association adn they then recommended me to your senior care and yourseniorcare bascially hand help me through the whole process..i was really awe struck, but maybe i just got a bad person at a place for mom, but from now on, i'm recommending your senior care to everyone i know. Good luck!
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There's so much truth in what you said. A caregiver goes into it thinking that they are caring for the elder and everyone is in it together. You spend everything you need to in order to take care of the person. Then you end up in a mess like this.

The need for records isn't the first thing on your mind when you bring an elder into your home. It's caring for them. There are many in your situation (which doesn't help you, I know).

But thanks so much for sharing what you are coping with. You are right - would you get paid what the nursing home gets - for private care? Not likely.

Our thoughts are with you, and we're glad you are in a better living situation, now. Hopefully, you can get through the Medicaid mess without too much pain.
Carol
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His mother is actually a Canadian citizen. Does anyone know if Canada has Socialized health care for nursing homes? She is also ready to go and asks us every day if we have a found a place for her. Again, if anyone has had experience with the spend down procedure with Social Services, I would be very interested in hearing. I think an attorney may be our best bet. Open to suggestions.Sure would like to be living with my husband soon!
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Definitely, an attorney. There are too many variables for a lay person to go through. And it needs to be the right kind - someone who has experience in estate and aging issues and knows Medicaid law well. It's changed a lot in the last couple of years.

Carol
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Thanks Carol, I just spoke with an attorney. Looks like I need to pick a nursing home, tell them that I have Medicaid pending and then wait for the spend down period. If I state that I have charged her rent then she would be closer to getting into the house ( regarding spend down) but it would then be taxable income to me. I don't even want to mess with that. Looks like we will just go through the motion with SS, give them what they request and then wait it out. She has sons in Canada who need to be helping as well. Perhaps, I can have them check on their side. Thanks for your response.

Disclaimer: The information that I have written in this post is in no way meant to be used as legal advice. I am not an attorney and am in no way qualified to advise on any legal matter pertaining to Elder Care Law.
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Yes, I'd have her sons in Canada check. Maybe that will be a good thing. But you are wise to work with an attorney here and go with that advice. Hang in. You did the right thing. We all need to learn that good intentions don't always make good records, so we need to keep records even when it doesn't seem to make sense.

I, too, just send people to an attorney. It's too complicated (and risky) for any lay person to give advice.

Take care of yourself,
Carol
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To all who have responed to this e-mail of mine--I appreciate all the comments made. Seems like I opened a can of worms with this one. Seems like alot of people are in the same boat as me. I am 61 years old, still work full time, am in the process of moving into a new home and have to take care of my mother after work. It just gets to me sometimes! I am going to try and hang in there a while longer and see what happens. I just get so depressed,stressed and fed up sometimes I just want to cry. I have thought about sending my mother back to the state she lived in originally to live in her condo with full time help, but that would mean that my sister would have to check on her, and my sister has pretty much washed her hands of my mother. There is no one else that could check on her. My sister feels it was my mother's own fault that she had a stroke because she knew she had high blood pressure and did nothing about it. This may be true, but what is done is done. I have made sure she sees a doctor regularly since she has come to live with me and she does take all necessary medications now. I have a great husband that supports and helps me, but even he is getting tired of having no life anymore. Just needed to vent a little more. Thanks again to all.
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Talking about it helps, when you know people understand. It's good to hear from you.
Carol
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My mother has been living alone since my father died just over a year ago. Her memory had deteroriated, where there are times she is fine, can retell stories, but there are other times she can't find money or keys in her purse. Lately she is confused with the light switches in her home.

I'm on leave from work to help place her in a facility, which she is hesitantly receptive to, but othertimes she is resistent. There is no other family willing to help, and her friends have abandoned her. I feel so alone and everything I try seems wrong to me and it seems hard to find anything to hope for. I need some type of help, and I don't even know what help I need. where do I turn?
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Hi, mrbdawg. That feeling of loneliness you describe has a way of rearing its ugly head when a caregiver least expects it. For me, that can be in the midst of lots going on when it hits, and just as quickly seems to evaporate before my very eyes. I think the lonely feeling you describe it may be related to knowing that as the sole caregiver for a loved one, the buck stops with you, certainly with me in my situation where I am as well, all while everyone else in your loved one's life seems to have pulled way back. So there you are...all alone! I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are, and also know that your feelings are entirely normal, not to mention a healthy dose of realistically looking at how much you have to do at this particular time in your life on your Mom's behalf. A good place to start is by making an appointment to see your own doctor to share how overwhelmed you feel. Doctors have lots of referral resources to share. Please don't be so hard on yourself thinking that everything you do is wrong. What you are doing is a difficult thing. After all, it is your Mom and not a stranger. There would be something wrong if you had no feelings whatsoever. You are normal and are in the right place to share with other caregivers, including me. I sure do understand. Don't give up on your Mom, and certainly never give up on yourself. Life is always worth living, even on the dreariest of days. You and your Mom both need each other. It goes without saying that your Mom is also going through a rough time...which accounts for her occasional resistance. Dementia is horrible...just horrible!
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