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After only 7 weeks of going thru a hospitalization and rehab following complications from surgery with my 78 yo mom I have come to dread talking to anyone because I know they will ask how she's doing. I completely appreciate the concern. I appreciate the friendship. It helps to know people are thinking of me and support my mom and my family. But how do you even begin to answer such a question when one minute is awesome and positive and full of hope and the next is a crisis, dropped balls, pain, tears and sobbing?



I guess my point is I will think twice before asking such a general question. Instead I may just say I'm thinking of you and am here if you want to vent or cry or talk.

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I hate when you mention that you have old parents the pat response is God bless. I’ve come to realize that for the b-s that it is. I say no, if you want God to bless anyone, may God bless the caregiver for enabling them to live this long, because they are not doing it on their own. I’m just very cranky lately.
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I get it. They are being polite. They really only want to hear that everything is fine. So just say she is fine.
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I feel like people just check the block to say they checked on your loved one’s progress. I stopped giving updates after I caught on that no one cared enough to retain any of the information I provided to them previously. I found myself repeating the same things over and over and spending way too much time getting them up to speed on what’s currently happening. It’s exhausting!!!! No one ever asks how I’m doing or if there’s anything that i need. My favorite one is: If you need anything, let me know. You proceed to “let them know” but they don’t respond. Then they end the conversation with “Well, I’m glad she’s doing okay and if you need anything…” It’s so weird to me. I’m definitely going to be mindful of this “check the block” questioning and behavior when others are facing what I’m currently facing.
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Yess! I feel the same way. My father suffered a Heart Attack two plus yrs ago. Everything was going in the right direction untill it wasn't. He has deteriorated so much since then. I have to pause and just say he's okay and quickly change the subject.
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Some good answers already on here, so I'll be brief. I try to answer the question with a mix of polite appreciation for their concern, along with a healthy respect for our boundaries.

I have to admit, I sometimes feel I could go a looooong time without ever talking to someone who's never done this, and not miss them at all. If someone's never done this before, odds are slim that they 'get it'.
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To be honest no one has asked about them in a long time. Everyone thinks they are dead.
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A sweet brave smile and “they’re doing as well as can be expected” should do it.
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I’ve found that answering with, “ Mom is well taken care of’, is a polite answer which also shuts the conversation down totally. The question does bother me most of the time because I feel many people want to think they’ve done their good deed just by asking. Then I feel Iike chopped liver because they don’t ask how I’m doing. So this is my way of nipping this moment in the bud.

What chaps my hide is, my mom is still capable of talking on the phone ( she’s a HUGE talker! ) and I’ve given her number out to friends and family. To know how she’s doing all people have to do is call. Like 5 minutes. Once a month. Maybe 5 minutes once every two months. But people can’t bring themselves to do even that so they ask me how she’s doing to get themselves off the hook, because apparently I am supposed to be EVERYTHING for her. Okay rant off!

On a plus side there are a scant few people who ask and actually mean it! Then I answer the question truthfully but not being overbearing, and from there we have a reciprocal conversation with sharing going both ways. These people are precious!

Thanks for the space to kvetch - this has been a peeve of mine!
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Empathy to you! I hope you’ll be OK! And your mom!

I hate that question too. In my case, people weren’t asking out of concern. It was curiosity.

Also, their question didn’t help me at all - it only took my time, in the middle of extremely stressful crises.

In addition, the one doing badly was ME. All things landed on me. And they didn’t bother asking how I am.

I was in the middle of helping, emergencies, pressed for time. I told those people directly, that their question isn’t helping me. Nor does it help my mom.

Later when things calmed down, I would answer how my mom is. But the question definitely got me upset.

(By the way, as a side-note, my mom isn’t just elderly. She’s abusive towards me.)

Right now, I’m faced with a totally different scenario. After ALL the help I’ve given my mom FOR YEARS, she’s turned against me, lying to others about me. I had to contact a lawyer. It’s a crazy situation and so unjust.

I’m safe. I’ve done everything right, and those are just lies. But she’s putting me through h*****ll.

Courage, OP.
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Just a simple response:
Start with "I appreciate your concern" as you have said. Then tell them it is difficult just now for you to discuss and you hope they will understand. Follow up with "she is stable" or "she isn't doing well" or "she is doing somewhat better" and then move on to change the conversation. They are all simply trying to be kind. I am so sorry.
People don't know WHAT to say. They do the best they can. I sure wish you luck.
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"How's your mom?" Boy do I hate that question. I realize that it's coming from a place of caring most of the time, but there is no simple answer. "She's fine" is the easy answer, but not the right one. But the right one takes a lot of explaining. There are no critical health issues. But she's physically declined so that she is in a wheelchair and can't help with transitions, she can't toilet, shower, or eat alone and her mental acuity has declined so that she doesn't know where she is or who people are. But do people really want to hear all of that? It's not that I'm emotional about it, but I do feel the stress of knowing that the person that my mother was would HATE everything about herself right now. So It's not easy to say "she's fine" and move on. I even hate it when my husband asks me that after a visit because if I say "she was good" he jumps to "oh was she thinking better?" Nope, I just mean that she wasn't bad - meaning crying or unresponsive. So, short answer, Yes! I hate that question.
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I think people feel that if they don't ask that they may appear callous and uncaring. But I do get how you feel about this. I know when my own mom's health was declining it was all I could think about and I was always on the verge of tears. So yeah, when someone would ask I'd usually burst into tears.

But we as human beings ask for lack of anything we can do to help and as a sign we care.
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Q. How's your loved one doing?
A. She's awfully fine for the shape she is in.
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I agree with you wholeheartedly - and my sister and I have spoken to each other on this topic before - and she feels the same way. I think when parents become elderly and health issues may come up, it becomes more difficult to always answer when people just ask how they're doing. It becomes a sensitive subject. And, I know many ask out of politeness or showing kindness, but, I too, have thought twice before asking friends about their LO's unless they bring up the subject.

When people ask, I've found that I usually just say that they're doing the best they can - and then try to change the subject.
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