I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Similar to the plans to take MIL out to a restaurant or to Dorker's house. Without Dorker's involvement, it couldn't happen. And so it didn't.
Why can't DD have her husband watch (co-parent) the kids and she go to Purgatory? And why can't H go?
When I went back to my hometown to settle the houses and accounts after we moved Mthr close (7 years ago now), I did run into some of those relatives. They were standoff-ish to me, and that hurt deeply. I would actually like to have some relatives. It's not me that was the evil one, it was her. I did nothing as a child that was not without Mthr's influence and it took me years as an adult to realize that she was the evil one in *all* instances, not the relatives. Please be nice to the brothers - they were under the influence of their dad and had to become adults to understand this.
In the same way, it's not any of Dorker's or the SIL's business if DH wants to allow the brothers to visit their Grammy. Maybe Grammy will show/tell the brothers why EB limited contact and then cut her off entirely. It may be strange to you folks to cut off contact with family, but if there are significant irreconcilable issues, cutting off contact is actually a healthy move. I had to do it with Mthr when my kids were little to protect my children from speaking lies against me. She's actually evil, and the less attention I paid to her controlling ways, the more evil she became to them.
When several of the children got older, they wanted to meet Mthr and were severely disappointed to find her the same way I described her. My guess is this will happen with these two boys as well. They probably want to see the house to see if there are photos of them and their dad around to see if MIL actually "loved" them or not. I would not do anything to disturb MIL's photos as they are.
Whether the photos are there or not does not matter - what matters is that the brothers see things as they really are, and burst their bubble of fantasy about their wonderful Grammy and Daddy's relationship. This is probably a trip a therapist told them to make. This is a stop on their journey of recovery.
The whole visit from the grandsons is odd. I guess it is kinda nice if they think this might be the last time they will see her.
I guess I am old and feeble, I don’t particularly care for unexpected guests.
I do think you are right, there is a good chance for some fireworks.
1) Who knows how MIL will react when they show up unexpected.
2) SIL is being kept in the dark about all this.
3) The grandsons will be wandering through MILs home alone? Was this by request or there is no one available to accompany them?
Maybe I am just overly suspicious, but I find #3 troubling. Would DH allow these guys to wander around your home when no one was there? This has real potential for major fireworks between SIL and DH when she finds out.
Does DH not bear some responsibility for securing MILs home and belongings as her POA? Maybe someone will come along and answer to that question.
DH and DD paved the way for this covert visit and now they are unavailable...sigh.
As usual this is not your problem. But, yes I do see your concern as to how this all COULD unfold.
I will be here preparing for them to come this way for dinner. Not on my agenda to go do makeup and hair ..
One never knows which it'll be, a good day or a bad day . but even on a good day it takes her an hour or more to even get ready to go anywhere ... and sometimes that's all she can do, she's spent .. she's absolutely spent by the time she gets dressed. That's not a good plan.
Instead SIL orchestrated it that they come by .. he and his S/O .. and visit, and clued MIL in that they were coming. And they did, and they visited for a while.
MIL said at that time, that she told him "now don't be such a stranger, give me a call sometimes". He promised he would. That too was probably 5 years ago or so. He didn't, stay in touch. She even tried to call him a few times herself, .. would only get voice mail and leave a message . and he never returned the calls. She gave up.
In some senses, I wish they'd of left me in the dark also on all this because I feel complicit in a setting that I know has the potential for upset. I'm not an idiot . I know that potential is there .. and yet I'm not speaking up ... and getting all in it, to stop this. Or at least, .. try to smooth ruffled feathers .. potential ruffled feathers.
But .. I also think it's absolutely silly that MIL would get upset, .. it's unnecessary she get upset. It's not like they are asking to move into her home .. or .. come here with a moving van to take over her prized memorable possessions (she has nothing really of any value) .. it's stupid and senseless for her to get upset ..
But I'm not pushing 90 years old, no filter .. no ability to acclimate and adjust .. she is.
I wish they'd of left me in the dark also.
I'm not really sure that I'm comfortable with the decision DH and DD have made, to leave her in the dark on it all, until after the fact. But this is none of my doing.
I'm not the one in contact with these two guys ... never have been.
In fact, . .when they tried to get this on the radar a few months back and it got shelved in lieu of MIL's stance, she's not interested. DH thought that was despicable of his mother, to deny them any ability to come this way to visit her. He didn't understand it AT ALL. And said as much to his mother more than once.
So . it's not like DH is gonna act as MIL's mouthpiece and head all this off.
In some ways, as to MIL .. large measure . this is more about her vanity than it is anything else! She, not wanting to be seen in the state she's in. In a wheelchair now .. not ambulatory .. and usually in PJ's .. and ... hair not done .. no makeup .. so forth. In large measure . it's not about .. "well they never called me or cared about me, so no I don't want to see them". It's more about her vanity than anything else.
And of course, on that train of thought, .. DH is gonna be completely out to lunch. I can remember years and years ago .. when he had his dad (alive at that point) as errand guy for his biz . and so he'd send his dad on some mission to do something having to do with the biz . the dad would show up here, unbeknownst to me .. that he was coming . and I'd be in my nightgown still .. and .. so forth, no makeup . not dressed . and it incensed me. I can remember raising h377 with DH over that, .. "don't send your dad here at 7:30 in the morning before I'm even dressed . and I'm trying to get kids ready for school and now here he comes .. and I'm still in my pj's .. don't do that .. I don't want to be seen that way". And DH with, "he doesn't care if you're wearing a potato sack, he's not here to look at you, he's here to pick up what I asked him to bring me to a job site". He never did get it. He wouldn't "get it" as to his mom and her vanity on that issue .. never will.
LOL. The latest dilemma has become . who of DH or DD or both .. .is going to make the time to be there at Purgatory when these two guys show up unannounced .. one of em needs to be there, preferably both. But sounds like DD is thinking she may not be able to see to that, and DH also .. and so I don't know what the two of them will work out on that front, if anything.
Maybe they'll see it suitable that they just send them on their way to Purgatory and neither of them be there. DH is the one who said, when DD laid this out there that this is all going to take place .. DH is the one who said, "one of us needs to be there, .. if not both of us, .. to act as buffer in case mother tries to be ugly to them".
The last communication she had with the youngest of those two guys . was when she was living at home .. he lives in CA and is kinda kooky and a nut . and sort of irresponsible .. (very funny guy, but not real responsible) .. he called MIL . I guess what would've been about 11 PM his time . but about 2 in the AM here . and woke her up. This is a g'mother he hasn't seen or talked to in years .. and I guess he had it in his mind he was going to come here for xmas. Put that on her, at 2 AM having awakened her . startled her. She told him to not come here and don't call anymore.
That was probably 5 years ago . or more. About typical of him . no real mindfulness/awareness that this is an old person, there is a time zone difference, etc.
The older brother .. I would guess the last time she saw him .. he was in town with his s/o for a wedding in a nearby town. He called SIL wanting to "surprise" granny and show up at her door to take her to dinner. SIL headed that off, .. stating to him (the truth) . she's gotten old and feeble, . you don't surprise her these days .. and she has good days and bad days . and one never knows which it'll
I'm trying to reflect if I was such in my day .. and I don't really remember, but my guess would be yes .. that I too was busy living my own life and the periphery of older folks, off my radar.
I don't fault these two guys. And I do find it somewhat admirable that they are reaching out at this point. At least MIL hasn't died and them come swooping in, and want to pilfer in the house for whatever trinket(s) they might want. I think it's somewhat admirable they are reaching out. I do.
I do know that occasionally one sees them, .. one or both ... and socializing with what would be their mom's side of the family, on social media, pics get posted. So they do .. do things with family. For whatever the reasons .. it just wasn't "this" family they chose to remain in contact with.
So be it.
It's all (thankfully) out of my scope ...
I'm standing back watching .. and waiting.
First and foremost . there is a little bit of hubbub in that .. (DD is the one in contact with them, via social media) .... she group texted myself and her dad yesterday .. that they want to, the order of what they want to do:
1. They fly in about 11 AM .. and want to go straight from the airport, to Purgatory to visit MIL.
2. Then, they'd like to go to the MIL house and just meander around (no one there . .the house is vacant .. sans its contents).
3. Then come over here, for grilling out, hanging out at our house, with all of us.
DD texted both me and DH yesterday with the above as their agenda. And said, "Why do they want to go to granny's house alone?".
Her dad didn't answer, .. I suppose because he's working.
I answered. "Who knows. Kinda peculiar though".
DD responded: "I hope they don't have intention of taking things there, without asking . of maybe marking what they think maybe their dad would want".
Me: "I guess that's up to your dad and his sister . though you guys have asked that the sister not be informed this would be transpiring . so I don't really know .. I don't think they're like that, I hope not .. I don't think your dad or his sister would deny them anything they want . unless it's something already spoken for .. they'd give them whatever they want from there, I'm guessing .. but taking things without asking . yea . that might present a problem, particularly with the sister who doesn't even know this is going to transpire .. but I don't think they're like that, I guess just leave it up to your dad .. if he's okay with it, . then fine by me too".
Eventually DH weighed in: "It'll be alright, not gonna worry about it".
So, I'm sitting back . waiting for the fireworks .. that may or may not be an issue in the end.
I can see it now, . when SIL finds out this all took place, that will be her first question, . ."did they go there alone? Maybe one of you guys should've gone with them .. I hope they didn't take anything".
My answer will be: "I don't know . talk to your brother, .. I was at home fixing dinner for them . what they all did . not anything I was a part of".
SIL: "did you guys know they were coming .. oh wow . mother had said she didn't want a visit from them .. she was really really taken back that they showed up there .. didn't really enjoy it".
Me: "that's unfortunate .. I guess I see merit in their trying to reach out .. it's never too late as they say".
This is all about how I predict it will play out after the fact, and no one on the forefront to bring SIL into the fold that this is about to transpire. She is, in the end, the mouthpiece to her mom thru and thru.
In law relationships are always fraught with a certain amount of stress, and I find that this even extends to the kids of inlaws--like, I am super tight with my daughters' kids, but I walk on eggshells at times around my son's kids. Due to their mom--whom I DO love, but, she's my DIL and I am not in her wheelhouse of favorite people. She is usually very kind and polite to me, but she also cracks the whip and the few times I have NEEDED my son to fly home for something (well, both his grandfathers' funerals) she wouldn't let him. Then when HER estranged alcoholic, bigamist grandfather dies, she flies my son and all the kids out to a booze infested 'wake' for this guy, who for all purposes was a real loser.
My son said the wake was so foul and so alcohol fueled, he stayed only about 10 minutes and bundled the kids to the hotel. DIL doesn't drink, but, boy howdy, her family sure does. It got pretty wild.
I'm wandering....sounds like these 2 young men are just looking for closure, or some kind of relationship and more power to them.
Subverting her anger at their dad at them just makes her look small and mean.
And people younger than 40 don't MAKE phone calls. They text. My kids know I am not going to just text all the time, so they are kind of forced to TALK to me once a week. :) I'm so mean, and old fashioned.
If SIL knew this was in the works (she doesn't know, it's being kept from her also) she'd be trying to orchestrate it that DD get over there and do her hair for her, and makeup .. and/or she'd be her mom's mouthpiece as to heading this off and not having her mom have to endure a visit she's already said she's not interested in.
It will be interesting .. as MIL doesn't have a filter these days. One can only hope . but the g'sons have been warned by DD it could go that way .. one can only hope MIL doesn't dismiss them .. and tell them she's not at all interested in visiting with them . and so forth .... along the way chastising their lack of any engagement over the last dozen or more years or so. It could go that way. Hopefully it won't.
Some, but not a lot. Maybe once a year. Maybe MIL and her husband would go visit them .. maybe once a year .. or thereabout, in their home. Was always somewhat uncomfortable to go to their home, as it was felt .. maybe ... sensed .. that they weren't all that welcoming. I don't know why (maybe they couldn't afford it, or maybe they thought the political fallout would be an issue) they didn't just get a hotel in the area. But they'd always go .. if they went to see them .. and stay in their family home, .. for maybe a long weekend, and it wasn't a pleasant experience, one sensed they maybe weren't wanted there.
So these two g'sons were a "small" part of MIL's and her husband's lives .. in their youth.
Neither have ever married. The eldest son is gay .. and the other one .. he's a lot like his dad . just kooky, comedic in nature . and maybe just hasn't settled and found anyone he wants to spend his life with. They are both mid to late thirties in age.
Why it is that neither chose to pick up the phone through their adult years and "hey g'ma .. happy birthday" or other such occasions .. just drop a phone call. Who can say? I guess, one just gets busy living life. And .. to young people .. old folks are just on the periphery somewhere, and there isn't a "pull" of any sort, to reach out. It's just the way it is I suppose.
I don't think that they, at all, estranged themselves from MIL in the interest of their dad's approach and agreement thereof. I think, from what little dialogue there has been, and there's been precious little. There has been a conscious effort to not go there in conversation with them, what little opportunity there has ever been to have conversation with these two g'sons who didn't come around or call much .. there was a concerted effort to not question them, inquisition .. and/or put them under a microscope in effort to have them answer for their dad's actions. What little bit has been said, .. it's only been along the lines of .. "we don't know .. we have our own struggles with him". It gets left pretty much right there, and no further digging at the whole issue.
EB and his wife long since divorced. They, from what we know about them, are pretty close to their mom and see her often .. but not so much EB, their dad.
Saturday is going to be very interesting. From what I know, removed from it all, they are to fly in about mid-day here .. and I guess check into their hotel . and they will then get with DD and DH who are to then facilitate a visit (a surprise visit) to Purgatory.
I know that MIL and her (the whole debacle that never ends) is supposed to shower on Wednesdays and Saturdays .. and they never came (supposedly) this past Saturday to offer her a shower .. did she ask for one .. ??.... who the h377 knows .. I've quit trying to figure it all out. So, .. she didn't get her designated this past Saturday shower. The next one .. next opportunity will be Wednesday and so it's said .. hopefully .. .she will be able to shower that day. I guess, if you ask SIL . if the lax/lazy staff will come and offer it, . or if you ask DH .. if she remembers to ask, since the lax/lazy staff don't offer. Then her next time will be on Saturday and that's always .. she's on the schedule for late afternoon for showers . so they may arrive there w/her in the shower, .. who knows. And part and parcel of all that, is that her hair doesn't get done until Monday when the salon is open (only on Mondays).
So they will arrive there, and quite possibly she will be in the process of a shower . and assistance thereof .. and/or done with her shower, .. and combed hair that hasn't been styled .. sitting in her wheelchair, no makeup . PJ's ..
This is not at all what they would remember of their g'ma. They have come around so seldom . that they haven't seen the decline in the last several years.
I'm sure if SIL even knew this was in the
It was at a country club, ceremony outdoors at the entrance to what was a beautiful, rolling hills of perfectly manicured golf course. Reception indoors at the country club, complete with open-bar, plated meals, so forth.
She was married before (niece) and that wedding too (I didn't attend it) was all the splendor of only the wealthy can do. A resort in San Fran .. on the ocean. Married to a mover and shaker from Wall Street and all his high society friends. That marriage lasted, I think 5 or 6 years .. and ended in divorce.
This time, she married a guy who does IT of some sort .. nice guy, humorous/witty fella. I like him, we all do. But we liked the other guy also, so who knows. Hopefully for her, this is the one that will last.
As to MIL, I actually kinda get it that she wouldn't want the bother of putting on niceties and so forth, with grandsons that she has seldom seen .. and even less often talked to, in the last several years. It's more effort, .. than she cares to muster perhaps. I get it. That and ... we all know how vain she has always been accused of being, and to be seen in the state she's in presently .. wheelchair bound, .. usually in PJ's .. and no makeup ... hair certainly not done. Wouldn't be what she'd "choose".
I am absolutely certain, hands down, 100% .. were she given a heads up on the fact these two g'sons have already bought their plane tix ... made hotel reservations .. and so forth .. she'd announce that DH is to head that off, and not at all be the one to usher in any set up for them to arrive at the doorway of her room at Purgatory for a visit. She wouldn't want them to come, she in fact said as much a few months back when attempt was made, to get it all in order for said visit.
I don't think her stance, is at all, one that comes from a place that she wants nothing to do with them, because of their dad and his having estranged himself from her, and all of us. I think she's always been able to reconcile that her son's decisions were his own ... (not one she agrees with) ... and that the sons .. they have kinda a tough road to hoe in dealing with a dad whose cheese has slid off his cracker in a sense.
I don't necessarily agree with the approach the son took, estranging himself from everyone. I can see that MIL is demanding, . she is a lot of things .. but abusive and someone that did things of a nature that would be so horrid that one would need to completely cut off from them, .. I don't see it, not really. I don't agree with what DH's brother did, 10 long years ago .. and he meant it, .. he was gone . and he has been. He said at that time, "consider me dead". Even I asked him, at that time, I was the only one he would talk to,.. "but what did the rest of us do to you?". His answer: "Collateral damage/to have anything to do with the rest of you, is to have her a part of my life and I don't ever want to have her a part of my life again". He meant it. Attempts there forward to reach out to him .. all for naught.
DD even reached out to this brother of DH's on the sly .. recently ... in a message on social media . basically imploring him that we all miss him (we do) .. and that we miss his being a part of all our lives .. and that she now has kids .. and so enjoyed him in her childhood, wishes he'd revisit the idea of not being a part of all our lives. He only answered, "that was sweet" .. and that was it. Nothing about .. "I'll give it some thought" .. or ... "go to h377" .......... nothing.
EB was a SAHD and raised the two boys .. his wife a corporate atty for a major international bank. EB didn't bring the boys around a whole lot in their youth ..
Plus DH will be having a rare moment having male blood outside of young Grandtwin.
Dorker do tell us about the wedding. Was it as advertised? Do you like the new nephew in law? Did you have a good time being out of town? Did DD hold down the fort with MIL?
I think the caretaker was an excellent choice for your dad. I hope his treatments continue to be uneventful even though I suppose that’s not likely.
Sounds like things are going well for you right now. Enjoy the lull.
I truly hope MIL is able to enjoy the surprise visit with her grandsons. It would be pretty crummy to punish them for what their father did years ago. I understand that they didn’t so much as call her but it seems their dad is to blame.
I’m curious to see if MIL will know when her 4 weeks are up? She says she’s leaving purgatory in 4 weeks.....but can she still grasp the concept of time?
Ask of DH and DD to be mouthpiece, big bag meanies .. and send them packing .. tell them no, that I'm not up to seeing them . and they shouldn't come here.
Too late, airline tix already bought, hotel reservations made, . they are to fly in on Saturday both of them . and their request .. via DD who is in touch with them .. they want to go see g'ma (MIL) at the nursing home . they want to go visit the MIL home one last time before it's gone .. (not sure what that's about . other than sentimental value of the fact, they did, at one time . as children, spend time there).
This is going to be sprung on MIL as a surprise. And whether it falls as a "good" surprise . or "bad" . remains to be seen.
DH and DD both think (and I do agree with their sentiment there) .. "no if you tell her ahead of time, she'll lay it on us to be the evil meanies . and send them away .. that's not fair to them .. .. yea they should've stayed in touch thru the years . but they didn't . but they're trying now to reach out .. it's wrong of her to do them that way .. so don't tell her, . we'll just show up there on Saturday . and both of them with us . and she'll just have to deal with it .. ".
And further, . as DH put it, .. "I'll be there, in case mother decides she wants to be ugly to them . and buffer some of that".
So this ought to be kinda interesting to see how it plays out.
Dad has now had his 2nd of the 12 (so far slated) of chemo tx's . and no worse for the wear, . not yet. I was out of town, and c'giver got him and wife there .. and home and no incidents. None that I'm aware of.
Nothing new under the sun, as to MIL. She fell again a week or so ago .. no worse for the wear (this time anyway). She was apparently chastised by staff there for not having "called" them for assistance. This was in the bathroom .. this fall .. as they all seem to be. She, sounds like, bit right back, from the standpoint, "I do call you all (doubtful she does, but I'm not getting in the mix to sort it out) and you all don't come .. I'm not going to sit here and soil myself .. I'll just struggle through and get to the bathroom on my own".
She apparently told church lady that she'd told the PT guy .. "you have four weeks to get me back up to par here, I'm leaving here in 4 weeks".
Talk about some wires crossed! She is going to see PT cease in 4 weeks (now about 3 weeks) .. and no she isn't "leaving" there in four weeks, PT ends in four weeks (now 3 weeks).
Church lady asking me in passing .. "is MIL leaving Purgatory?". No .. not even close, not right now anyway. MIL having shared with her, she'd told the PT guy .. he has four weeks to bring her up to speed .. as she's leaving there.
Not quite accurate. Also . not a surprise.
Also of note as to the MIL scene. Should be interesting this coming weekend.
Estranged son of her's .. hasn't seen/talked to him (none of us have) for over 10 years. Estranged son .. has two grown sons also. Those two grown sons .. have been scarce the last several years. Probably all of that 10 years .. scarce would be about how I'd term it, and prior to that .. not really "present". They just didn't come around much, ever, not as grown people.
Happens .. (they both live out of town, one on the west coast of the US .. and the other in the NE of the US, so not in town here). They never call, "hey g'ma happy birthday", .. or ... "hey g'ma happy mother's day" .. or .. "hey g'ma merry xmas" .. none of that. They've been scarce/absent.
They have no bone to pick with MIL . never have. In fact, . .we know little about the two brothers and their mindset as to the actions their dad took, not wanting to make them uncomfortable and put in any position to explain their dad's actions, in departing the family. We've never asked them. Not like they were around and present to have much convo anway.
I guess one of those two son .. on social media . reached out . some months ago . to DD and her younger sister YD, wanting to come visit here .. visit us . visit MIL .. etc etc. This is when they learned that MIL is no longer residing in her home and has declined a lot in the last several years and resides now in a nursing home.
Still, they wanted opportunity to fly into town, both of them .. and visit with all of us, including MIL.
This was presented to MIL . that they'd like to come see her, and she flatly declined any such set up. Her words, something akin to "They haven't called me for several years .. I don't even know who they are anymore, . they never call and stay in touch, no .. I'm not up to a visit from them, they need to just remember the way they remember me, and not try to come here".
It got put to bed .. as to them coming this way .. or so we thought (I guess they were no longer interested in coming this way to visit with "the rest of" the family) sans a visit with their g'ma (MIL).
That's what we thought. Nope.
They are to both fly into town this wknd . and will go and surprise (Dh's choice, in conjunction with DD . they think it's better to not tell MIL ahead of time .. she will anguish and ask them to be
You make a good point.
We all have 'preferred' relatives, but sadly when the bad times come, they are often just blowin' in the wind. They SAY "let me know what I can do" and you realize they do not mean it.
I have a huge family. My KIDS would do anything for me. My Sibs--well, I have one or two who have stepped up and helped me--but basically, the rest? Don't bother them. Their words of support were worthless.
I have neighbors who are far closer and more helpful than any family member. In the hard times, we come to see who truly shines for us.
I'm guessing that he knows he can make Dorker do it, and she will.
I think that BB's offer counts as Dorker's brother's offer. It doesn't have to be him. He has a job, but why should he use time off for it? I don't understand. Your H didn't take time off for MIL, but your time counted, right? Remember the red chair analogy? You really have no right to insist that your brother take time off to be with your father during chemo, just because YOU have agreed to do that. Remember, we can't control others' actions, only our own.
It's 12 weeks of chemo. He should consider himself lucky that he is getting any help at all, considering his fathering track record.
Well, that's not entirely true. On my way out the door after last visit with MIL (months and months ago) I took her Xanax and moved it up too high for her to reach. Yeah, passive aggressive at it's finest, but the only thing I've EVER done that's remotely mean--yet if you hear her talk about me, you'd expect me to be wearing a red cape and carrying a pitchfork.
WHO THE HECK CARES what BB did some years ago? Do y'all not do forgiveness? Sorry, I'm a little steamed about her kind offer being rejected out of hand--I KNOW how it feels to have your kindest offers be denied. I'm not the same person I was 30 years ago and I hope people have forgiven me for slights or sins....
It's a few hours with someone dad doesn't adore. But it's a means to an end. Not many people are jumping up to take dad to chemo.
How many weeks is this drama going to go on? A weekly chemo is probably a 'weaker' and less long acting way to go. Everyone's cancer is their own with it's own TX. If dad won't accept help from where he can get it, he's going to be hard put to get help in the near future.
I know he "likes/prefers" that I tag along . as he values my input .. should there by anything other than just straight infusion and outta there.
I also know that he would "like/prefer" my brother, over BB's presence. But I don't guess my brother can make that happen (or doesn't care to do so).
And in answer to another point, my brother has a salaried position and gets paid time off. So it's not like he would be losing out monetarily to take time off.
Yes, 3 hours round trip between coming here, and return trip plus whatever hours it takes (and we know it takes several hours) for the doc visit and infusion, so for the most part, a whole day of work. But that's what paid sick leave, and FMLA is for, if one cares to utilize it.
I do find fault with his failure to do so. Especially since he was, .. not so many years ago, on the receiving end of much that was needed by him in the way of family support/financial and otherwise.
I agree that if your dad declines BB's offer, it is on him to find someone he deems suitable for filling that gap, and it doesn't have to be you. I know you want to help your dad out, but you need a break from the drama on his end too. Going with him to chemo every single time might get to be a bit much.
As I explained before, my dad and my mom, they seem to have more "tolerance" for her (but that's about it) .. than do the rest of us. Their "tolerance" comes from a place that this is a son that was at loose ends for a lot of his life ... she has put the skids to that, and corralled him and in that, they have an *appreciation* for her. And, their take is one of, *if he's happy, then we're happy*. Got it.
I feel the same, .. if he's happy, fine by me.
But I don't seek her out as anyone to spend any time around, . nor do any of the rest of us, including the bio parents. Apparently my dad feels the same
There's a reason no one really cares for her, and she is referred to as "bossy" boots. None of us, all adults . for a long long long time, need her to *boss* any of us and she has a propensity to try to do just that, and I've cited numerous examples of how that all plays out in the past. As a result, no one really likes to be around her (except her husband . my brother).
Another example (small, but it's among many) that I only recently learned of. Just an example ...
My youngest brother and his wife had taken a small mini vacation to the vicinity where this brother and BB reside . to that vicinity. One particular afternoon, they went to visit this brother and BB at their home.
BB and the wife of the youngest brother, in the kitchen chit chatting. The guys .. in the den watching an NFL football game (we're all big football fans). At some point, it became evident from all the hoopla ongoing .. the guys were tuned in to an NFL program and she demanded they turn it off, .. citing .. "No, turn that off, remember, we have it recording so you and I can watch it later when they leave".
My brother that was visiting while on a mini vacation .. was offended. I would be too. The thinking there, .. *if this is a game you wanna watch, have a seat, watch it with us .. why would you come in and demand it be turned off, we're enjoying the game .. come join us .. why do we have to turn it off".
As my brother said of it all, after the fact, telling me the story "They turned it off, .. so they could watch it later, . when we're gone I guess .. If I had it to do over again, I'd tell em .. catch ya'll later, gonna go find a sports bar, watch the game".
I would've been offended too. Not something I'd of subjected guests to.
That's just one example of many many times she's tried to "boss". No one cares for her. She's made her bed, IMO.
No, she wasn't part of the scene back when my brother was in the throes of all kinds of miscreant behavior ... or .. rather .. she was ... kinda ... I don't know . in that day . my brother and his wife .. they were into whatever those parties are . where people swap partners .. all that mess. She and her then husband, part of that scene. They ended up in an extra-marital affair.
So no, she wasn't really on the scene, kinda behind the scenes in fact.
So no .. no one bases their opinion on her, .. out of what he was in those days. She has made her own impressions .. not good ones.
If my dad felt at all comfortable with her (he doesn't) .. I'm sure he'd of taken her up on the offer to come this way to cart him around. He declined.
I don't understand what the issue is with Bossy Boots driving to chemo, either.