I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And we could take care of her, .. instead she has to live in that GOD FORSAKEN nursing home .. and Chatty Cathy . she never knows when she might go off on her again . she's almost 90 years old and having to deal with this chit .. "
Got him off on a despair and tirade about his poor mom's plight ..
Just .. it feels like an onslaught at times . all that comes at us . between her and the sad saga there that .. it's almost like DH lays his life and well being on he line also . as to the daily well being . OR NOT . of his mom. Unable to compartmentalize . that his mom .. needs that kind of care. I wish it weren't so that was the case, we all do. But wishing isn't gonna change it. I wish it weren't so that she is subject to a chatty cathy that can go off at any given moment ..I wish it weren't so. But wishing isn't going to change it.
Between that and my the saga with my dad and his dementia brained wife .. it's all . it's just a load .. it really really is.
That and joining in . in whatever activities might be on the agenda. Chatty Cathy does not stay in the room daily. There is the very real realization that in trying to move to a different room, she could be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, in that she could very easily end up in a room with a room mate unable to leave their room, lays there and moans all day and our . whatever .. that would be even worse.
So .. entertaining a notion that maybe MIL and this specific room mate has run it's course and needs to change . is fraught with it's own set of "what ifs".
Her funk also borne out of .. a situation that MIL cannot get past. She'd made friends with a woman there J . and J .. seemed to have it all together, .. tooling around on her walker, like nobody's business .. and seemingly all checked in mentally . we don't even know why she was there truthfully . but it's none of our biz.
J .. has left the premises. Not explained. Was she kicked out .. .it was said they had been trying to kick her out for quite some time. Why? We don't know, none of our biz. Did she leave of her own free will? We don't know, none of our biz. J is gone, .. where . nobody knows .. what has become of her, nobody knows .. this is most concerning to MIL . and she can't let go of it.
Somehow in the whole J saga .. it has come to light .. I don't even know how this occurred .. that MIL somehow ended up on the phone with the brother to J ... and this brother told MIL . something akin to . "Oh you have no idea the troubles we've had with J . she has been in and out of jail and drug addiction . she has mental issues .. she's been a world of problems".
This blew MIL's doors off. All she knew of J was that she was friendly, able bodied, helpful . etc.
The fact that there is this whole other side to J . .that she'd not even been cognizant of . has blown MIL's doors off. The fact that J is gone . just .. just gone ... no one knows where .. her well being .. is more than MIL can process and deal with. MIL has even wheeled herself down to the admin office, to question and try to get more detail and because of privacy laws . they don't share any info. It has left her reeling. Seriously reeling . between the situation with J . and what Chatty Cathy did.
And then there is also the storm that looked to be approaching the area this past week . and that took her back to the whole place of "I've lost everything . my dog, my home, .. I'm so worried about my home" .. that point being lamented.
And .. they boarded up the windows there at Purgatory (the boards have been down now, for 3 days) in anticipation of the storm . and so that left the place dark and dreary and depressing .. I can relate, I hate boarding up windows, it's like being in a dungeon.
Her PT has ended, . she is now relegated to what is called Restorative PT . no longer visiting the PT room daily .. rather a PT trainee or some such visits her room now . daily .. for what is about a 10/15 minute session of some basic restorative type stuff . .that too has left her reeling.
Many things have now placed her in an absolute funk.
But the church lady piece of it all (and I'd heard some minor rumblings of all this) .. she says she just doesn't enjoy her coming . she stays too long . talks too much (yet church lady would tell you . and has several times . that she makes it a point not to stay too long, realizing MIl gets tired and weary) . so who knows .. MIL has no concept of time really. Turns out .. she really .. kinda dreads church lady coming . but wouldn't hurt her for the world, realizes she is only trying to help.
All of it combined . no she wasn't sick . she was just in a funk . funk that she has been in . cannot seem to pull herself out of, .. result of all the above.
DH . then came home from there, . in a funk himself .. "I wish she could live here and we could
How does one lay their head on the pillow for a good night's rest . knowing they themselves not so long ago, were it not for the help and support given by their family (myself and my dad, and to a lesser extent our mom) ... God knows where he'd be.
Does he not remember, that at one time, . he also was someone in dire need of support, help? And he got it, .. yes, .. from a dad who was absent and pretty non existent .. for many of our years growing up. Does he not remember that if it weren't for dad .. who got some wheels greased somewhere .. many years ago, when he got thrown out of college for partying .. got some wheels greased to get him into another college, and paid the freight. Does that not matter to him. Does it not matter to him when he was in so much legal trouble for cooking meth in his home .. he and his then wife .. and lost custody of their kids .. and he needed an atty .. that his dad paid that freight, for an atty. Does that not matter?
Yes, I have a problem with how he is handling things. I do. I don't like it, and I don't have to.
And in the case of his wife .. all I can say is that I am very aware that there are cases where the in-law steps into a bio family with 10 strikes against them . from the jump, and it's unfair. But in her case, that was not what occurred. She managed to make her bed .. not with just me, . with all of us. She is not liked .. having run afoul of everyone in the family, numerous times.
Why am I bothering to help a dad who was absent and adopted his new family part II .............. and left me and my brother in the dust. Because .. it's not how I'm made. So my brother can do that .. he can leave it all in the dust. Doesn't mean I have to like it .. and not have a problem with it. I do .. have a problem with it, . specifically coming from someone who needed so much support.
As to the latest saga with MIL .. here I was yesterday .. ruminating . which I'm all too good at it, . at the social tone deafness that abounds ..
And .. that's when I got a call from church lady. I guess she'd been unable to reach DH .. he out on a job.
She'd been by to see MIL . at Purgatory (which she tries to do weekly) and found MIL, her words: "Dear I just wanted to let you know I'd gone by to see MIL and she is just not feeling well at all, . in fact she asked that I not stay . that she just isn't feeling up to a visit, doesn't feel good .. something is wrong . she seems sick, said she is sick and doesn't feel good .. and so I was concerned if you guys are aware and wanted to let you know, she didn't elaborate on what specifically is wrong and whether staff is aware she is ill, but I thought I'd let you guys know. I only stayed about 5 mins and then I left".
I thanked her for alerting us. Got ahold of DH .. and let him know what church lady had imparted, he said he'd check on his mom in a bit.
Turns out .. when he did . he went to visit her, to check on things. Here is the true story.
MIL .. she just .. she doens't really find any comfort and solace in visits by church lady .. and .. she just wasn't up to it, .. is in a funk .. a real depressed funk these days.
The funk . born out of the fact that . I dunno . a week or so ago when Chatty Cathy went off on her .. and was ugly to her (something Chatty Cathy has been known to do, . ask anyone there, .. she is friendly as all get out .. but . she also has an inclination to pop off on people . and has done so .. only this time it was MIL at the other end of that wrath). That .. as MIL describes to DH . and has described since it occurred, . has traumatized her. Just can't get past it.
Entertaining any notion of maybe moving to a different room brings about the realization (very true) .. she is in a room right now with Chatty Cathy .. and Chatty Cathy is gone all day every day .. out in the commons area, coloring in coloring books (it's what she does with her time . that and
By the same token, there are those who marry into a family of origin and manage to step on toes in every direction also, .. without .. seemingly any regard for the fact they are doing so. It also happens, and is the cases here. I would say .. I think I'm generally introspective enough, that if it were me and only me, who has a problem with her, and she's beloved by others in the family, I'd have to take a step back in the realization that I need to check myself.
That's not so. She is "tolerated" (and that's all I can say for her) .. by my dad .. as best he can when in her presence, .. and my mom ... bio mom . .also finds her controlling and somewhat difficult .. but her one saving grace .. at least in the perspective of the folks who birthed that son .. bio mom and bio dad ... is that she plucked him up from the muck and mire of his wreck of a life and placed him on the straight and narrow .. and has kept him firmly planted there. THAT .. is the one thing that they are eternally grateful for in her, .. As my mom put it at one point, . ."yea, she can be a real bossy b*7ch ....... but as long as she'll keep him ... and keep him on the straight and narrow .. then I'm fine by it".
Those two . the bio mom and dad . find her merit in that aspect of the whole situation . but not much else.
No one else likes her. She has done enough, stepping on toes in every direction, not just with me, .. that no one else cares for her, and in this case, . it wasn't that the bed was made before she even got to the scene. There are numerous . too many to name .. examples of times that we all tried .. tried to make her a part of things .. her and he .. and tried to do what we can to welcome her into the fold . and make her feel welcome. All of us. I can cite so many examples .. and she manages to run afoul of every one of us .. each time.
So it's not just me, . that I need to take a step back and re-examine how I look at things.
As to my brother ... I just have no use for the way he is doing things and I am allowed to feel and see things the way I do. Period.
I don't call him and fight with him over it, .. I don't call him and try to nag/persuade, that he do otherwise .. he has to do what works for him ... and for his marriage, his wife .. and so be it. I have asked, .. that he do a treatment or two .. maybe spend some time with dad .. (yes, he'd have to get off work, and travel this way 1 1/2 hours .. but that is what FMLA is for .. I have worked in some God awful environments before, but I have never worked in a setting where ample notice to my employer that I'd like so and so day off, to go see about getting my dad to a chemo treatment .. that would fall on a hardazz that would deny me that opportunity and I assure you he doesn't either). He is an administrator of some sort, in a counseling group/social services setting.
I asked him when dad was hospitalized .. could he arrange it to spend more than about an hour here . which is about all he could manage . maybe the two or three times he did come this way (wife with him) .. and dad hospitalized for the length of time he was hospitalized. That too, . didn't occur. He could only squeeze an hour or so of a visit . and then was off and gone again.
I've quit asking .. I don't ask any longer, .. figuring their lives .. their plans . their deal .. he is obviously not interested, or he'd make it happen. So be it. But I don't have to like it, and I don't.
Particularly from someone who drove his life off into a ditch several years back in drug addiction .. and lost his children .. and his home . and needed SO SO SO MUCH help .. from all of us, including myself, including a dad who was so absent years and years of our growing up.
I do question how one lays their head on the
As for lack of concern about dad from rest of family - I assume they know the background story and they may not think much of him as a parent, but rather as a sort of distantly related stranger.
You can justify how you feel, it isn't necessary, your entitled to feel any way you want.
I for one, get nervous around people and say and do things that even I think are annoying, it's nerves and then when there is no grace or mercy extended and only back biting and hateful attitudes it makes my bungling worse, especially when it is people that my husband loves and would be happy for us all to get along. But relationships are two way streets and BB has been traveling on a one way street that will eventually dead end.
FYI, you can't expect your brother to treat you any better then you treat the woman he loves, she is his family now.
If I remember correctly, your own husband had to have you pushing him to help his mom. Does that mean he can't form a thought for himself? That you are pushing yourself into his family business?You see how that thinking can go very far a field.
I still believe that when someone we love chooses to love someone, we as their family are responsible to do everything in our power to make that person welcome, it is a Christian duty to love one another.
I have been dragged through the mud in, not so behind my back, family whispers: I wash dishes wrong, I cook potatoes wrong, my children were raised wrong, I don't keep my house pristine, DH lost all his manners & upbringing when he married me. On & on. His family gathers in the kitchen & leaves me alone in the other room or with anyone else they consider "other".
It has now been 40+ years & it still hurts like crazy every single time. DH has never ever stood up for me. If there is a problem it's not his fault. I need to get over it.
His family (with spouses) has been going on a trip to the coast every fall for the past few years. When DH couldn't travel alone anymore, he was excluded because I would be coming.
BB knows exactly how you guys feel about her, as does her husband, the rest of your family & several hundred strangers who read this thread. And it hurts. She also knows how her husband feels about his dad, the chemo, the past, his siblings & his stepmom. Yet she was willing to volunteer for chemo transport in lieu of her husband who clearly doesn't want to participate. She is trying in her, unsatisfactory to you guys way, to keep a link going not for her but for her DH.
Was she tone deaf to FIL's health & chemo issues to send the pic of the family enjoying the pool or was she showing her MIL that they really were okay & didn't need to evacuate. Were y'all tone deaf to be texting among yourselves about her behind her back.
I don't see the problem with all of the back-and-forth about the pre-Dorian preparations in the texts among your family. Are they all supposed to "whisper" around you, because you are martyring yourself for a father who wasn't much of a father? Did you expect you and your father to be the center of all of the attention and concern?
And as far as SIL goes, well, why are you still listening to her prattle on about what Purgatory is or isn't doing for MIL (hair appointments, showers). Was she supposed to sympathize with you regarding your poor Dear Old Dad?
Doesn't everyone in both families know how your father treated you and your brother, both in neglecting you (wouldn't give money for food) and then in making sure you knew you were on the periphery of his and K's lives when you were sent to live with them? Maybe they are wondering (as do I and some others on here) why you are even bothering with him at all.
What exactly is it that you are looking for from your family (and H's)?
I guess I'm tone deaf, too...
It really riles me with almost any marital union where it appears one doesnt even have so much as a thought unless the other of the union is there to help form that thought, much less make even an iota of a move in any demonstrative way.
Not something I consider a good quality in anyone's character.
Of course any marital union is going to (if they are responsible) take their spouse's opinions and wants into the issue.
So, he doesnt see fit to even come visit at all for months now.
Is it asking too much that he help "me". Ive never done a thing wrong to my brother (other than refuse to play nicely and triangle into what is a co-dependent marriage).
I just refuse .. hard to articulate how she can be so very abrasive that even the rest of the family finds fault with her.
Too much to ask ..I suppose .. when I put it out there to brother .. he has 12 weeks of wkly chemo ....
And somehow what surfaces from that request is BB offers to cart he and dementia wife. It gets declined by dad.
Can brother not reach out .. gee Dork ... BB offered .. dad declined .. whaddya think .. how can I help here?
Brother doesnt even reach out .. *hey Dork .. hope you guys got it all handled up that way with that storm...I know youve got a road to hoe in helping dad .. l lemme know if I can help".
No, color me annoyed as eff with him.
I really am.
And SIL with the whole MIL didnt get her hair done.
Jeeze!!!!!!!!
Seriously???
In the broad scheme of things. Such a ho-hum non issue. Really! I just couldnt even believe... she knew yesterday was to be about a chemo tx and questions as to what can we change, if anything, ... that dad isnt handling it well.
And Im supposed to "care" that MIL didnt get her hair done.
I think not.
Cant even wallow in my own frustrations without yet another hiccup today on the MIL scene as I was headed out.
More later on the latest that is the MIL saga.
By the way, that BB offered, knowing that you all hate her is pretty gracious in my book. I think that you all need to learn to love the ones that your family members have chosen as life partners, because we all have our own garbage we bring to the table.
That was quite a rant and I hope your feel a little better for having said it all.
If I hadn't followed your saga for what? 18 months now, I would not believe the cross communications and drama that goes on within ALL your family dynamics. Makes you wonder where these people were raised.
Your poor dad....honestly, Dorker, you probably won't see the end of 12 more weeks of chemo with him. Not being negative, being realistic. My RBC was slightly low on chemo #3 and they almost didn't let me have it--planned a transfusion and a Procrit shot and a 2 week wait. I told them (and I have been a peach of a patient thus far) 'if you don't do today's infusion I will not come back. I am hanging on a thread here'....so the doc okayed it on the condition I eat better and bring up my RBC and iron levels. I did and the infusion on Thursday was fine.
Your dad is experiencing the worst of the side effects and they will cut him off, to rest, have transfusions, build up his resources, but in honesty, he's dying, and all this is just to stave off the inevitable. I'm sure you get that, but are supporting him in his choices. It must be worth it to him, but it's so similar to my FIL who fought death until we were all simply exhausted with and for him.
Can't you sedate "K" on chemo days? I mean, just mildly, so she's kind of checked out for the day? She's going to go to every one come hell or high water (no puns intended, but you know what I mean) and her presence just annoys everyone. Probably she is just going to be a nail in the tire for the whole TX that your dad can endure.
And I am sorry your brothers are such idiots. I personally cannot imagine being in a marriage where a couple is so tied to each other they can't think without the other's weighing in. I know a few couples that are so co-dependent and it is sad, to be honest. My DH has been out of town for 11 days (a 5 day 'planned trip') and no end in site--maybe next weekend. I don't get to fuss, bellyache nor complain. He also does not call and forgot I had a chemo appt on Thurs so I imagine when he realizes that he's going to feel stupid. Meh, he's not gonna change.
BB's group picture was beyond thoughtless, but it's like my SIL--I would LOVE to go for a swim for about 20minutes a few times a week. My YB and his wife installed a gorgeous pool, about 5 years ago and have never invited anyone from his side of the family even once. She posts pics of her side of the family enjoying the pool all the time and it has never occurred to her that it would be such a blessing for me to swim in a warm pool for a little bit. She's not mean, but any means, but is clueless, 100%.
Families---I don't know. Sickness and trauma bring out the best and worst in us. I know how I am when someone needs help. I know how my sibs are. And friends. True friends are TRUE and true family is there for you for the good bad and yucky.
I'm truly sorry for the many plates you have to spin in the air. I think if I had talked to SIL about MIL's hair I would have hung up on her. I saw videos of people evacuating from their totally ruined homes--and think of MIL having messy hair for a few days and it just rankles.
But a narc will NEVER EVER change. You know that.
Deep breaths. This too will pass.
Glad the storm missed you guys.
I saw some footage of the Carolinas that looked pretty rough.
Regarding your brother and BB, I think they have made it very clear, for whatever reason, they travel as a pair, period, end of story.
Yes, it is sad your brother has not visited your Dad since May.
Has your Bro and BB offered to visit, help and your Dad declined? Maybe that was when your Dad became ill?
Should your Dad continue to decline I would keep your brother in the loop. But, you do have to accept if they head your way, it’s going to be both of them. That’s the way they operate. It works for them.
Sorry to hear your Dad isn’t tolerating his treatment well.
My DH would probably not go somewhere if his relatives specifically asked him "not to bring the wife", and I wouldn't go see family if they told me, "Don't bring your husband." It's just how we roll. Not saying we're stuck to the hip, or that one of us wouldn't visit family without the other, but either of us would feel it rude if we thought our spouse were being specifically excluded. Granted, neither of us are gonna go boss everybody around, so I get where you're coming from as far as BB being annoying. I have in-laws that drive me up the wall sometimes.
Just saying maybe that's how brother and BB see it, "we asked, dad said no, we're respecting his decision."
L weighed in on the group text, on purpose, . as follows: "Dorker you are such a blessing to your dad to be there for him .. I know I have customers in my work that are aged and they're so worried about this storm and no one to help them .. it's really sad .. you are such a blessing to be doing that for him. So special that we make time for our aging parents in days when they are ill and need our help .. I know some of my most treasured memories with my mom are when she was so sick and spending time with her, . reminiscing and enjoying one another's company .. nothing against spouses . but sometimes that one on one time is what is so valued/treasured".
HOORAY good for her!
Her attempt to (underhandedly) get BB to see, . back the eff off .. encourage your husband to spend time with his dad . in whatever capacity he can do .. and it doesn't have to be with you hooked to his dam elbow!
This then prompted a terse response from BB into the group text .. (guess L hit a nerve): "Ok, well .. we asked dad when visiting him . if we can help .. and offered to do so and he said Dorker is helping him .. so .. ".
L then interjected again, .. (telling me off to the side, .. in our side convo outside of this group text .. She's such an idiot . she didn't even pick up on my subliminal .. stay out of it . let him go visit his dad one on one, she doesn't even speak to that . she just says "WE" .. she's such an idiot). L then interjects into the group text: "Yes, Dorker is such a blessing to be helpful to her dad in his time of need, .. that's for sure . but nothing replaces that one on one time with an ailing parent . take it from someone who treasures those times spend with my mom . one on one in her waning days . it's so valued by them .. and by me".
L telling me off to the side, "GAWD she even makes my blood boil and your dad and his issues .. I barely know your dad . but she just makes my blood boil . she just refuses to get it doesn't she".
L then interjects again, into the group convo (I guess L had hit a nerve with her) .. BB's words: "Okay well, .. dad said to not come unannounced .. that it would be too upsetting to K .. stepmom . and so .. he says that Dorker is helping him so in the interest of staying out of his way and not causing further stress to an already stressful situation we are honoring what he said .. we know in our hearts we are doing what we can".
JEEZUS!!!!!!!!!!!
"WE" .. "WE"... "WE".
Well I happen to know that my dad would love a visit from his son .. (maybe without BB along to aggravate an already stressful situation) and I've said as much to my brother .. in past convo's. I happen to know that my brother hasn't seen fit to come the hour and a half it takes to travel up this way . not once, .. since May .. I happen to know that.
Just absolutely disgusted with the tone deafness of some people.
I just . at that blocked their ability to text me, at all. They don't . never do. So . whatever.
But .. I just . .any attempts to reach out to them . in any way . are futile and frustrating . so I don't intend to.
My brother . I texted him outside of any issue with the dad saga . just inquiring and showing awareness and concern . as to the storm and not only did he never respond . he never even asked .. "Gee Dorker, I know you've got your hands full up there with dad .. let me know if there's anything I can do . are you guys gonna be alright, you guys set up and ready?". Nope .. never asked, never even responded. Never does. Never reaches out with a "Gee Dorker, you and I need to put our heads together and figure out how I can be a part of dad's world and be of some help in some way". Nope. Nothing . never any of that.
Just .. so done. So so done.
Tone deaf people!
Insert himself into what would be 12 weeks of upcoming chemo tx's . and find way to maybe be a part of one or two of them.
I don't know how it happened that BB took the reigns on that, . didn't ask . but in the end ..BB was the one that offered to come cart him and .. I could've predicted . anyone could . that it would be declined, and it was.
The pic of Oldest brother enjoying the pool ....
Also the knowledge that I don't reach out to him anymore. As I've described before, he can't have a conversation that he doesn't get BB . and make her a part of it all, and her de-railing convo's with her own agendas .. and so forth. I simply don't call anymore, about anything. I just don't, it's usually futile and frustrating so I just don't.
I don't even text him anymore as to updates .. with regard to our dad .. figuring that too frustrating and futile . he never responds with anything of the tone/flavor, "Gee .. wonder how I can help Dorker, you and I need to talk". His only response . likely because it aggravates him (and he's said as much) that I don't "group" BB into any communication sent to him. My feeling is .. I don't like her, . if I want anything out of her peanut gallery I know how to reach her, and will do so . if you want her informed . tell her what's being said, that's not my responsibility . .and I don't like answering to her and her agendas and de-railing convo's . so I don't.
So .. I don't even reach out in text . not anymore, don't call . .don't even text.
But the other day . thinking . well now, at least show some concern and awareness Dorker .. (this all before my mom reached out in concern to all of us).. I fired off a group text to my brother . didn't group BB in (I never did). "So you guys watching this storm, gonna leave .. what?".
Never got any reply at all.
Few days later, having never gotten any reply to the above, I sent another text to oldest brother again . (didn't group BB in, I never do): "That storm is looking more threatening for your area, have you guys high tailed it outta the state".
No response, no reply . nothing.
Never did reply.
And then we have the group text from mom reaching out to all of us . imploring that we reconsider staying and inviting any/all to her home to evacuate. And BB chimes in . with a pic of them enjoying the pool and grilling out and assuring all is well on their end .. even in the face of the fact I'd weighed in that I'd love to be able to leave, but cannot . due to ill dad.
So all of it combined, . it just made my blood boil. The fact, my brother didn't even reply earlier in the week to my texts sent to him .. the fact that I asked him specifically to see if it might be possible to facilitate a visit up this way a time or two as to 12 weeks of upcoming chemo tx's .. and somehow BB got inserted in that notion . and not him, knowing full well it would be declined and it was. The fact that he hasn't seen fit to make his way up here for even so much as a visit .. since May. All of it, made my blood boil.
I was talking to baby brother's daughter, outside this group conversation .. and expressing to baby brother's wife .. my disgust . and anger.
L (baby brother's wife) .. she knows . part of my beef with my brother is that . he and his wife are seemingly attached at the hip (a wife no one likes) and any conversation . had with dad or me, or anyone else, she is right there, to weigh in . any trip up this way . to spend time with dad . is accompanied by her .. (the joke outside his presence and BB's is that he probably can't wipe his own azz without BB right there .. to inspect and approve).
L also knows, that she spent a lot of time with her mom in her dying days . days that she didn't bring along her husband .. days that she spent just reminiscing with her mom . and being a part of her mom's last days as she grew more weak and frail and how important that can be ...
L weighed in on the group text as
To care for and evacuate my dad if needed . to here, to my home, that he is so weak and ill, he can't manage on his own .. should the storm turn this way . and so I'll need to stay put to deal with that possibility should it be necessary.
BB weighed in, in response . they were battening down the hatches there, and staying put, ready for it, not leaving. Thanked mom and that was that.
So then the week progresses on, it begins to look to be even more of a threat, .. to those of us as Floridians .. and mom reaches out again, same text .. a few days later.
Mom: That storm sure looks bad .. I wish you guys would reconsider and come this way .. you know how mom's worry.
Baby brother's wife: "Thanks mom . but .. I don't think it's going to be much of a problem here, and I'm expected to be at work, so can't leave, we'll be fine, we have our windows boarded up just in case, .. and have our provisions .. and so we're staying put".
Me: Wish I could leave, yes it's looking more threatening, . but I really can't .. I can't abandon a sick dad who has no support other than his wife who has dementia . if he needs to be evacuated, .. I'll need to bring him here, .. so doing the best I can to just prepare, but thanks mom, . try not to worry. We've done all we can to prepare, . and they say it's gonna turn, so just hope it does".
BB weighed in (tone deaf): <Sends a pic of her husband (my brother) and his kids (grown kids there visiting) . swimming in their pool>. Her words: "We're enjoying the day here grilling out with the kids .. got the house all boarded up, got our generator ready . and we're hunkering down .. thanks .. but I think if we leave it would be to the other side of the state that doesn't look threatened, .. just waiting ... I think we'll be fine, thank you though".
TONE DEAF
Where had I been that day,.. I had gone over to visit my ailing dad and get a read for how he is doing . knowing this chem has .. and continues to knock him back . badly.
They're swimming in the pool and enjoying life. Even as I'm stating that I'd like to leave . but cannot because of dad's ill health. And she posts a pic of her husband (my brother) enjoying the pool.
Not that I expected at all that they be the ones to come cart him outta here and shelter him . he'd already been offered that option by stepsister . who lives about 3 hours away in the panhandle of FL . and he declined, unable to travel. No, that wasn't my issue, at all. I didn't expect that they'd come get him . he wouldn't of gone .. he isn't able to travel . but he also .. doesn't care all that much for BB .. none of us do.
So, seeing that pic she sent in answer to my mom's query .. I dunno, maybe nerves on edge .. but I don't like her anyway .. it set me off.
I was talking to baby brother's wife (who I am close to) on the side, .. aside from this group text .. and telling her, .. she's aware .. we talk . she knows ...
Telling her, "oh she makes my dam blood boil .. who does that .. here I am answering to mom . in that group text, that I would love to be able to leave . but cannot .. because of dad's ill health .. and I know .. they haven't even been to see him since May when he was in the rehab .. they haven't even found the time to come see him .. at all .. And I know . that I cart him to chemo . and I had suggested to my dimwit brother at one point . that he has 12 weeks of upcoming weekly chemo tx's . and that if he could set aside some time . to maybe come this way to facilitate a visit or two . that I know dad would love to spend some time with him .. And what did dimwit brother do .. he had BB call and offer to do so. Anybody knows that dad .. none of us, really care for BB . and so that offer would be declined, and it was . could've predicted it. But here I am knowing they haven't even been here at all .. to even visit him ... not one time . since May .. and ... he didn't see fit to even try to insert himself into what
Dealing with folks who are socially tone deaf. It's enough to make you pull your hair out!
Yesterday was about transporting dad (and dementia wife of his) to chemo. It's a maddening situation . in that, .. dementia wife of his .. asks the same questions over and over, . .even though answered. Dementia, at it's best on display. Dad . never one to be very patient, and certainly not now, feeling so sick these days, is less than patient. K, stepmom .. oh vey ... she gets her feelings hurt when he snaps at her, and he does snap at her. I suggested yesterday .. at her having lamented my dad always barking and snapping at her, "Why don't you call up some g'friends . go have lunch out . .and I'll take dad and we'll be back .. a bit later, give your self a break". (give me a break, . him a break). Nothing doin. Not gonna happen.
So on it goes ..
Whatever. That's not even the tone deaf part.
So then last night, SIL aware that I'd be doing that w/my Friday .. texts me, with the following:
SIL: Poor mom . she wasn't able to get her hair done today . they'd moved her appt from Monday because of the storm in yall's area and the salon being closed . and so they rescheduled it to Friday . but today came and went, and they didn't do her hair .. I even called yesterday and talked to Valerie, to make sure they had her on the schedule for Friday since nobody got to go to the salon on Monday and they said they did, but .. turns out . she wasn't on the schedule. Poor mom, now she has to wait til Monday. I get so sick of following these people around, trying to get them to do their jobs. She's supposed to get a bath tomorrow, . who knows if that'll happen . I'll call . and remind mom and remind the staff, but that doesn't seem to make a difference".
Tone deaf.
Here I'd been with dad . who wanted me along to help sort thru what can be done . if anything .. as to the fact this chemo is taking him down down down . can the dosage be lessened? Can he go to every-other-week for tx rather than weekly . what .. if anything can be done. So some of that was discussed. He is so weak . and has lost 10 lbs he didn't have to loose .. no appetite, hair loss, .. joints that ache .. and frail and growing frailer. And along with us, his wife who asks the same questions . over and over and over .. and he snaps at her, ultimately .. and she gets frustrated w/his snapping at her, .. and I get frustrated at the whole scene. Make sense to me that she might wish to take a break from him . and let me handle it .. .but NOOOOOO.
So that had been my day. And SIL wants to cry the blues cuz her mom didn't get her hair done?!?!??!?!?
Tone deaf
I only answered: "always something".
She then did ask about my dad and that whole scene.
I just .. I dunno .. color me wrong, but I don't get all that concerned, about MIL and not having gotten her hair done.
How to not clobber these tone deaf idiots. I mean it.
So then on the other front, this past week. We all know the disdain for BB ... none of us care for her.
But anyway . in the b'ground of the storm that was approaching.
My mom moved away to SC . from FL . a couple of years ago. I guess, her seeing on the news, that it looked to be more threatening to the state of FL (it did at one point, look more threatening) .. reached out in a group text to all of us ... and asked if any of us would want to evacuate to her home, which is open and available to any/all that want to come. This was a group text sent to all of us, .. her offspring all reside here in the state of FL ... one in north FL (me) .one in central FL (BB and my oldest brother) and one in SW FL (baby brother and his wife).
The answers that were sent by each ...
Baby brother's wife weighed in they were staying put .. didn't look to be too much of a threat to their end of the state .. and thanked mom.
I weighed in, that I would love to do just that, but am staying put to care for
Valid point.
I recall when MIL was living in her home, well past the point she should've been .. and a storm would get to brewing up. Her home is in an evacuation zone. Thus, .. orders issued, for residents in that vicinity to leave. Not many did so, ever. But those around her, all younger and more agile . .and able to sustain themselves. Herself, no.
She would always argue that she can weather it all, just fine, right there .. all thru the years, in these last several years that she was more frail and unable to do just that.
The one thing that doesn't get much mention is that lack of any moving air, after a hurricane and it is generally pretty still and muggy .. and no power, for A/C .. if one can't run a generator, then food spoils .. how attentive is a frail elderly to not eating foods that have reached temps in the fridge rendering them spoiled. Another, .. the lack of any moving air, . how agile was MIL to be able to get around and at least open windows .. windows that would only allow the still humid hot not moving air in. No fans. No generator. Heat kills. Heatstroke. Their internal thermostats not all that well regulated in later years .. to even have any recognition that it's miserably hot.
I recognize that it is highly upending to take an elderly to a different setting, in the event of evacuations. It is, that's a fact . and unsettling to them.
We weren't ever able to upend our worlds and go that way . .take our generator and just stay there, at her house .. evacuations ordered for one thing .. (most don't leave, but they are younger, where she resided). We always had our own kettle of fish to fry here, . in two fridges and a deep freezer that has to be powered, to keep foods from spoiling. And so . generator manned here, . her brought here, kicking and screaming I might add, not wanting to leave.
Nursing homes, .. unless they are in low lying areas and/or coastal . they don't evacuate. They all have (the result of a major lawsuit and the deaths of several elderly folks . a year or so ago, in a nursing home and aftermath of a hurricane, no power, . no ventilation . and heat), .. all NH's in FL are now required to have backup commercial generators .. powerful .. commercial grade.
The storm that just passed us by .. MIL's area was once again, under evacuation orders. Her neighbors didn't leave. Had she still been living there, we'd of had to get her. There is no way I would leave someone elderly and immobile as she (or my dad) . to fend for themselves. No way.
Her NH is not in an evacuation zone . and they do (as required by FL law) have those big commercial grade generators there.
There was no loss of power here .. only very localized and coastal areas mostly. We dodged a bullet .. again. The poor folks in the Bahamas . utter devastation . and on up the coast into the Carolinas, .. same in some places.
I can't even imagine it being a good idea that an elderly be left .. and not made to leave. Not one that has very little support structure, or c'giver on hand .. and/or .. self sufficient.
PS - I never did bring my dad here, .. by the time the decision pivoted on a dime .. it was apparent by that point, . that those of us who live farther inland . would be at a much less risk . the thing would be well offshore in the ocean by about 90 miles . and so those of us that live farther from the coast .. and I live about 12 miles from the coast . .and my dad . even farther from the coast . maybe 30 miles .. we'd be just a glancing blow. And that's what did end up occurring. So dad stayed home, never lost power .. and same here.
Two scenarios:
My mom lived in an isolated suburb with no public transport. We kept her as well stocked as we could but if the power went out, she'd be without heat and refrigeration. Getting to her in a storm was life threatening....to us. We moved her. Spinning out once on the ice with a 4x4 coming at me was enough to tell me that I wasn't going down that road.
Friend's mom, an elder who lives in a high rise; as Sandy approached, I encouraged my friend to move her mom to her (away from the coast) apartment for the duration. She said no. I told her that it was her choice, but that I (the one with the car) was not going to endanger myself if her mom was stranded.
Come the dawn, her mom was incommunicado; couldn't be reached by phone and the subway was closed (that doesn't happen often). Street were impassable. Friend called, panicked. Told her that I was sorry that she was scared for her mom.
My ex biked to the apartment building and walked up 16 flights of stairs to ascertain her safety. I'm not that good a person.
We moved mom to an IL with a good evaluation plan and ceased to worry about storms.
Depends greatly on where the elderly lives also (risk factors for that region), and what kind of support structure exists.
The storm that passed by us, .. 90 miles of so out in the ocean, .. had nominal impact here. Didn't lose power, .. no fallen debris, trees, .. nothing much.
On further down the coast, or up the coast, . where impacts are being felt, .. and more severely, and closer to the ocean/coast .. not a good idea, at all, IMO, for an elderly to be left alone to manage.
Dorker, you already know this but your husband needs to stand up to his sister. Why is he going over there to tend to the house? Why would MIL (or you & SIL) pay for storm cleanup? All you are doing is helping the RM lender. Now I may be clueless because I’m not yet a Florida resident but will be in about 5 years......I understand the damage these storms inflict but if MIL isn’t going home and the house is going to the RM lender, who is benefiting from your husband taking care of the house? If SIL wants things done then like rainmom says, she needs to get her azz to Florida! Otherwise it is high time to clean the house out.
If it’s a matter of not wanting to let go of memories and take care of this final act & accept that she’s really never going back then, then I truly sympathize with all of you but what good is it doing to delay the inevitable? The house and it’s contents seem to be a source of unhappiness in this mess. With everything going on, why let it continue to be a source of stress and sadness? SIL needs to start talking less and start taking more action on her part if she wants certain things done.
Yep, it's depressing and sad. Does DH have to do it alone? I think w/o SIL and with a crew of paid helpers, you could get the place emptied pretty fast.
Don't even leave a bed in there for SIL. She can stay at a hotel. Or sleep on the floor. I don't see her returning for months....she will hold those puppet strings until the last puppet is strong enough to say 'no'.
I don't see any need for DH to do repairs to the house--maybe the toilet, but nothing else. The house is going to be sold as is and nobody will expect a new HVAC system.
I'm still in shock over the laundry room arrangements MIL used for years.
I'm not really watching the weather, other than to see if it gets close to VA. I feel for you--Jacksonville is hit with hurricanes a LOT. Makes you wonder what the founding fathers were thinking after their first hurricane "Oh, t'was not but a breeze!"
Good luck--the stress must be over the top. I pray it will blow itself out and leave y'all alone.
Encourage him to get going on emptying MILs house, if that’s what he wants to do. It would probably be good for him - therapeutic even. A refresher course of sorts as to how dysfunctional the idea of mil being able to remain there is/was - with all its effed up quirks and dilapidation.
If sil gets her panties in a twist over not being there to micromanage everything- tough noogies. Sil can give Dh a list of things she’d like set aside for her and once Dorian has done its thing she can hop her azz on a plane and get down there. Cuz, frankly - I think Sil will push off coming back and dealing with all
issues Mil related - as long as she can. As long as everyone will let her. I think emptying the house is an act of finalizing that Sil isn’t ready to face. Not when she can still direct things from afar and still hope for rainbows and unicorns to make things all better.
I am also agreeing with Kimber. Not now, obviously - but once Dorian is past, a serious fact facing session with Dad is needed. Using Dorian and a fresh example as to how nutz it is for living as HE WANTS while it takes a number of other folks (you) to keep it propped up and at the ready to charge in and save the day. Paid in-home caregivers help but they aren’t the answer - not really - as Dorian has shown.
Dorker, I think you are the gear house which keeps the machine(s) running. All these folks around you can’t seem to face facts and reality even when it’s crawled up their backsides. While it’s all ultimately NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY- all their lack of functioning as reasonable adults does tend to complicate your world. Maybe it’s time for you to clear the air?
Dorker's father doesn't make decisions, though. He's on a six-month plan to get his affairs in order (no will, no HCPOA, no POA). He isn't going to do anything about K.