I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Sounds like, in the end, your MIL moving in with J . won't be a viable option .. and will wear thin before long.
The latest dust up this afternoon with MIL, .. per DH.
I guess she'd gone to the Bingo area, . to "observe" (that would be about like her, not a participant). There, one of the residents, her hands shake so bad . that she needs help . and so MIL obliged.
I guess the woman won the Bingo game . and so she gave MIL a quarter (.25 cents) and wouldn't take no for an answer, .. for MIL having helped her .. so appreciative.
This then angered Chatty Cathy and her pretend daughter that visits her .. and the two of them accusing MIL of stealing money . .and rigging the game . and so forth. A big dust up.
It doesn't sound like there was a lot as to any oversight there, with staff . to maybe help with some conflict resolution. MIL now states . that she will never go join an activity again, . too complicated and convoluted . and not at all pleasant, the experience.
Chatty Cathy is .. she just is . a few floors short of the top floor mentally .. and so it goes, in a NH. Sweet .. very very sweet, until her ire is provoked, then look out.
MIL now the recipient of that ire, once again, and miserable for it.
I think I FINALLY get a slice of what you've been dealing with for years.
About 4 weeks ago my MIL wound up in the hospital with various co-morbid issues, and she slowly improved enough to be moved to a NH near her daughter J. J works from home 4 hrs a day and then goes to the NH for the day, I guess. 3+ weeks, no end in site.
DH never bothered to tell me any of this. I am kind of a 'person non grata' with his family. Nobody ever calls or texts or lets me know anything---which is fine, but realistically, we DO want to have the basic information. I'm not a monster, and I DO care. But I have been cast as the bratty DIL and there's nothing at this stage of the game that will change that.
Dh has been traveling almost nonstop all summer with no end in sight. He knew his mom was in both the hospital and now the NH. He won't go see his mom, and he'll stop by J's for hours and then it's too late to go to the NH.
So--I don't know what's wrong with MIL. Can't oxygenate, has a UTI that is proving hard to clear and pneumonia that the oxygen problem is making worse--falls down frequently and cannot walk without a walker--that looks like it may be permanent. And a bunch of other stuff, but nobody will return my texts, so I just ask him when I see him & he always says the same thing "I am the worst son, I just can't bear going to that NH". Even though it IS a nice one. She could move within this NH and live out her life there--but she is absolutely miserable. She CANNOT go home and she is distraught about that.
Both DH and J are grade "A" procrastinators and so they will wait until the final moments to DO ANYTHING. I told DH he needed to get MIL's will and look over it to see what her EOL wishes are and he just...won't.
Mostly I stay in the background. Nobody talks to me or respects my opinion (even though I am the only one with any elder care experience). They can just flounder as far as I am concerned.
I can't help but feel a little sad that this woman could have had a good friend in me if she had just taken the time over the last 44 years to cut me some slack for being young and naïve. I've never been forgiven for marrying her son and ruining his life, he has NEVER ONCE stood up for me, so it is what it is.
I feel so bad for this woman who has ONE friend. ONE.
Your MIL and mine are a lot alike, I think that's why your whole post has resonated with me.
People who refuse help and love and support--or demand so much you are absolutely worn through and anything good you felt for them is gone before they are.
My MIL cannot go back home, she will not 'allow' people she doesn't know in her home. I don't think she can think clearly enough to see that NOBODY in the family has the ability to drop their lives and take over hers.
Looks, at this point, like J will take her in. J already has her daughter and her 2 young boys and their huge dog living with her. Plus a hubby who doesn't like to work.
Another sad tale of someone refusing to plan and their anger when what they WANT cannot happen.
This is someone who, in younger years, was absolutely gifted as to abilities at arts & crafts. Arthritic fingers robbed that ability. Used to be an avid reader. Probably, lack of memory, ability for much of an attention span, that too has been tossed aside as a formerly enjoyable hobby.
Used to enjoy playing tennis, hiking, walking and leisure trips to the beach for the day. The ravages of a broken body .. that too, yesterday's pass time.
Its no wonder she complains. I get it, truly do. All the things that used to be pleasures...are now robbed from her.
She used to enjoy those Sadoku puzzle books ... that too, no longer interested. I think it takes more brain process than she is able to do at this point.
Her only hope to have any purpose .. is to resume wandering around in the commons area in attempt to bring out and have conversation with those capable of same ... find some measure of contentment, if possible, in doing that daily, if she will do it.
Go join in the chair exercise classes or group games, or card klatches, or Bingo .. whatever. Never having been one to partake of such social settings, even when healthy and more ambulatory, not likely to see that happening.
Yes, one can look at it all and arrive at the why ... for the non stop complaints.
Will she ever turn the corner to at least engage where possible, in what is at her disposal. Probably not.
Thus, the complaints will continue, til the cloud comes.
The charge becomes .. not for me .. but for her daughter and son to not hop on the hamster wheel and to not fall in the pit of despair where she lives.
My charge, is to turn off the volume to the above.
I think that the best you can do is give them lots of small favors to occupy their time, the dollar store is good for those types of things, crossword books, books and magazines, adult Coloring books, small craft items, I know that Walmart has ton's of little craft packages, to make Christmas decorations and things (usually geared towards children), but just "stuff" for them to do, especially going into these darker days of Fall and Winter.
They become bored and bitter, and all they have to do is complain, it's monotonous to hear, but must be agonizing for them as well, having little to look forward to all the time, so maybe make her up a little goody box, so she always has something to do to occupy her time, encourage her to join in, in the craft room with her own precious stuff. Maybe it's not her bag, but it might encourage conversation with others, and she could share among her peers. It might be worth a try!
She has a dressers . and so I'm not sure why that's their method . but it is what it is. And as a result . some of her tops get separated from bottoms and so forth . and so she was complaining she thinks some of her clothes are missing .. that they've given her clothes out to others perhaps . as she can't find the matching PJ sets . some of the bottoms are missing and/or tops . and her underwear is getting sparse . and socks .. and her tops to her pants . and so forth. Her complaining that they hang everything up . and that is hard for her, since she can't stand . and is in a wheelchair, she can't go thru her closet.
So I got up . .went thru her dresser drawers as to what's there, .. went thru the closet, . matched a bunch of PJ's that were in fact, not missing and given out to others, but . part of it was in a dresser, part hanging up and matched those up, folded them put them in the dresser drawers and showed her, so she'd know their whereabouts . got all the underwear left hanging on hangers in the closet . and socks . on hangars . and got all that folded and put in her drawer . matched tops to bottoms as to daywear and folded that and put it away.
The above, as to the clothing issues, also has gotten airplay from afar, as DH has been urged (and hasn't seen to it) . from his sister, to go thru her clothing there, to try to straighten that out.
Next complaint . was about when Chatty Cathy . cussed her out . as well as the same time frame ... the friend J just having departed there, w/no explanation. And her malingering on about that whole scene. And how it really did a number on her, .. put her in bed for 3 days . almost despondent . to have J depart, with no explanation . and to have found out after the fact, that J isn't who they all thought she was . and to have . as she put it "Chatty Cathy cuss me out .. ya know . she's just not altogether there, mentally"
I changed the subject, .. Me: "Yea that had to be tough . man oh man . look at your feet and ankles, they look so much better these days .. I remember when your feet and ankles would get so swollen .. and get red and inflamed . nice they must have you on that lasix to get rid of fluids .. pretty routinely . those ankles and feet always look so much better now days".
MIL: "Yea, I think they do . but they pull me off it sometimes . you know I'm so prone to get diarrhea and constipation .. and so . they sometimes pull me off it".
(Not a real clear understanding on her part, as to Lasix and it's purpose, confusion . and so I let it go . and didn't try to persuade her . .no MIL . the Lasix wouldn't be the culprit there). I just changed the subject again.
All the while .. I'm thinking of what Surprise wrote . I'm thinking of when DH snapped back at me, "She's not negative!".
Y.E.A.
She IS! V.E.R.Y.
We left after a while . get in the car to go home. . DH .. always sad/sullen . I guess "listening/wearing/owning/hearing" all the incessant complaining, .. (he knows I don't want to hear it from him anymore, the woe with me, my poor mom) ..
DH: "My poor mom, it's so sad".
I said nothing. I didn't try to persuade, 'it's not your poor mom DH!". I didn't argue, . I didn't agree, .. I didn't say anything. I just drove home . and couldn't get out of the car fast enough . and away from him lest he complaint more about .. "my poor mom". He didn't. That's all he said, and when it got no airplay . I guess he dropped it.
potato salad. So I made a note of that, as I walk by those in the commons area, with their food trays . wonder if MIL has found in this . it's not palatable.
So we get to her room, her food tray sitting there. I lift the lid to it. The only thing left there is a bite or two of potato salad she hadn't eaten, the rest of it was consumed, gone.
I remarked to her, "you must've enjoyed the meal this time, looks like you ate good".
MIL: You know, the food here is just not good, it's really gone downhill
W.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.
My thoughts . I don't know why they give it all the airplay as they brainstorm, mostly SIL from afar . as to what to do about this latest blip on the radar that seems to go on and on. She "is" eating . it can be verified she isn't dropping in lbs .. at rapid decline . because of this whole "the food has really gone downhill here".
Why that gets all the airplay it does, is beyond me. The few times I go to see her, she "is" eating it.. And .. DH even has noted .. being there far more frequently than myself, . of the foods brought in as she complains . all while gulping it down. W.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.
The next complaint that I happen to have heard as to airplay has been a cough that MIL has developed . mostly at night . and that "they aren't giving me anything for it, they need to give me something for this horrible cough".
SIL then calling staff . who then informed her, indeed they are, . she gets cough syrup at night, and an allergy pill in the AM accompanied by more cough syrup and this has been ongoing for about two weeks. They "are" addressing it.
My question to DH as to the airplay this all got. Why hasn't MIL herself asked, . "why aren't you all giving me something for this cough". That would've answered that complaint pretty promptly and it get no airplay. I guess that's too much to ask. A blip comes up on the radar, and it's all out "get it addressed".
W.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.
So we get there to see her last night, . and .. of course, DH had to bring her (SIL's instruction) a pack of those peanut butter crackers .. a box of those assorted types .. because .. as SIL puts it, .. "I don't think she's eating real well, . says the food there is so bad". . So . .DH brought along with our visit . a box of those assorted crackers. The first complaint was about the food . as I lifted the lid to see she'd polished off most of it.
Her next complaint .. was what a waste the day was. She is scheduled routinely for Mondays for hair salon appt . and had gone there several times . wheeling herself to the salon, to always find the door locked, no one there.. Finally, after several trips (why staff doesn't put a note on the door . who knows) .. it was learned, the stylist is out sick . and not coming in.
She also complained .. that Restorative PT never came. Were to come early afternoon for what she calls a joke that they call themselves working with her, it's only about 15 mins . as she puts it and they really don't do anything . but they never came.
Who knows . one might check and find out they did . and she just forgot .. who can say. I only responded, .. "you should ask Charles (DON) .. maybe he can see why that fell thru the cracks", and I changed the subject.
Next complaint was about the haggard looking flowers. DH tries to bring fresh flower for her periodically. Hasn't brought any in a week or so, and so the flowers in her vase, are looking . some of them . kinda droopy. We hadn't time to stop for flowers. I just agreed with her . "yea they are looking kinda droopy . I'm sure DH will get some more, next time he comes this way (DH sitting right there surfing his phone and not engaged).
Next complaint (and now I'm thinking at this time, there on site, . about Surprise's observations) . is that they hang up all her stuff, .. I don't care what it is .. socks .. underwear .. pj tops and bottoms . you name it, it goes on a hangar.
Very interesting that on Sunday (of course before I read that specific little tidbit and gave it more thought, as to the complaining) .. DH .. and I, . before church that AM and talking of what the day's radar included. He had intent to try to go see his mom if possible, but also some other things on his agenda for the day.
I casually mentioned to him . (as I haven't been to see MIL in about a month, at all). That whole thing hasn't turned out like I kinda envisioned it at one point. I had thought, at one time, .. I'd be someone who casually drops in with some candies, or some flowers . short visit . on my own . and then gone again. That's not really how it has played out, as to any visits by me.
Seems I don't really want to go at all, mostly. But . then will, .. not often . accompany DH when he goes.
So I suggested, since I haven't been there in about a month, "if you go to see your mom . in all you hope to do today . just shout out to me, I might hop in the car and go with you, depending on what else is going on, on my end".
DH: (said tongue in cheek, knows it's not gonna happen) "Why don't you go instead of me, . kill two birds with one stone .. I can go and do the things I need to do (some of which was to get to the woods/hunt camp) . and .. mom gets a visit, and I don't have to do it".
Me: "Nah .. I can only take your mom and her negativity in small doses DH.
DH: "She's not negative!".
Me, thinking to myself, . how is it you can see her as anything else, but I'm so done arguing my point, so I didn't say it. Just left it alone.
MO . she is V.E.R.Y. negative. That's all she is, is negative. But .. done trying to persuade on that point. Done trying to push/prod/poke DH into the realm of ... this is life as we know it now . your mom is sad . doesn't mean you have to be also, whatever. So I just didn't say anymore.
Of course all of that was before I read that remark from Surprise, which did lend itself to my looking at the bigger picture indeed. I do think .. there is a failure of .. SIL to see that her mom is a complainer . and as such . she jumps at every blirp on the radar .. onto that hamster wheel to right its course, always . has been the case, always. I think there is a failure on DH's part to see his mom for what she is, .. a negative complainer .. he just doesn't see it.
Case in point. We finally did get by to see MIL, yesterday evening, both he and I went.
I noticed when I walked in . some out in the commons area . with their food trays . that would be of note to me, as I'm aware of the latest .. concern . in that MIL complains (says they all do there) . the food has gone downhill here .. and really isn't all that good. That seems to get a lot of airplay ...that whole complaint.
Though I will say ... the last time I was there (about a month ago) she had a tray of what looked like sliced turkey and sweet potato and green beans and was working her way thru it, eating it . complaining the whole time . "the food here just has gone downhill, it's not good" .. (she tells her daughter, and her son, she doesn't eat . the food isn't good).
She was eating it, ..
DH .. said recently of one of his visits . that it smelled wonderful, looked like pot roast . as she was working her way thru it, eating it, complaining . the food here is not good .. I just can't hardly eat it (eating it, while saying that, and almost ate it all).
So last night, we walk in . and I notice some in the commons area with their food trays. Looked to me to be an egg salad sandwich and cole slaw and
Perhaps Dorker, you could share that insight with SIL when she comes to visit next time. "Don't take MIL's complaints too seriously dear; her brain can't think of much to talk about and we've realized she'll complain about anything just to fill empty air time, even when she's visibly enjoying the benefits of the same thing! That's just her new style at the Nursing Home to keep other people from getting the attention of speaking up" (even though we know this is not new).
We all know what will happen when the caregiver can't come and there is a problem -- call Dorker! And now we (and you) know what will be the result of that call for help -- you will make an excuse and not run over there!
MIL has to save face and complain about every little thing at Purgatory. It was a rare moment when she told you it wasn't so bad, and that she was trying to draw out residents and learn their stories. Are H and SIL really talking about moving MIL to another facility? Well, that can be their little project when SIL finally returns to Florida.
I'm grateful that my dad . has the means/willingness, to hire a c'giver ...
That's more than was the case with MIL and her needs for many years. She didn't have the means .. and even if she had the means, she wasn't willing. Routinely sending PT and so forth, set up for the scene, sending them packing.
Leaves too much of a burden on the one soul that does help.
I don't think my dad's set up is all that tenable in the end, just a private individual (and yes, she's good, she's very very good at it), but "stuff" happens. And what then? The gal can't show up for some reason, .. illness, .. family emergency, car troubles, you name it. What then?
I wish he'd go with a service, .. but ... his life, his set up, can do what he needs. That doesn't mean I have to pick up the slack, and I won't be doing so.
My dad's situation . and his *crazy* scrambled eggs for brains wife, . .she wants c'giver sent packing .. saying she doesn't need her there, she can care for him.
The day I was there to clean up chitapalooza in every corner, she'd tried, she'd already cleaned up two massive messes herself, and was give-out. Couldn't go another step. What ..??...the c'giver . had been out sick.
Next time that happens, or whatever other calamity .. they're gonna be up a creek, because Dorker has the stack of lies/excuses sitting at the ready, negating my ability to be front and center to attend to any of it.
Been a relatively quiet weekend here, had the 6 yo g'daughter over for the night, and that was sweet, . .pleasant to have her around. Up and heading to work here in a bit.
On the MIL front .. I can't imagine what this is about. She complains, . says they all do (residents there), food served has really gone downhill . doesn't taste all that good. Says that incessantly, while she is shoveling in, what is put in front of her, complaining the whole time, and .. complains when you talk to her, "ya know, the food here, is not good, it has really gone downhill" (along with numerous other complaints). As DH put it, there the other day to visit her. They'd brought her dinner tray in, (pot roast) .. and she was eating it, .. and complaining the whole time, .. each bite .. "ya know the food here, is not good", bite after bite, until it was almost gone.
Not a problem, until you remember, these offspring were trained well, that their mom's happiness and/or unhappiness, is their charge to fix .. and so . .that has been worry dujour lately . as to *do we need to move her* and many other hand wringings ongoing ..
On my dad's front, I have been probably markedly noticed, absent that scene, .. phone calls/visits. I have stayed way way under the radar. Reached out to him in an email (not all that unusual) .. and just touched base, . as to the goings on, on my end, and asked how he was . and he reported back that he'd been to chemo tx and it left him weak/nauseous as is to be expected, but he'd rest . and try to feel better.
I didn't respond anymore.
Have stayed way off the radar . .off the grid, as to that whole saga.
Many old people left in their houses while the adults are working/farming/childrearing. No medicine at all for diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure. These will all kill you. Strokes & fractures common. One well loved Grandma had broken her hip. No chance whatsoever of carrying her days accross land & boat trip to bigger town for surgery. Just left in bed, fed & cleaned up before & after work - no other options, just *comfort care* (without the pain meds). Life expectancy about 67.
Also, keep in mind that what went on in mixed generation families was generally NOT sweetness and light. There is a reason why eldest Japanese sons have such a problem finding Japanese women who are willing to marry them - and become their mom's slave. Very frequently, Thai, Filipino, Vietnamese women marry these men.
We are all human and resentment is human - but I believe it is helpful to acknowledge that we are not, and will never be, perfect people in this life. We just do the best we can.
Dorker,
I’m back here this evening because the “thing” I was to attend tomorrow morning has been changed to another date. The “thing” involved crazy in laws Azzhat 1 and Azzhat 2. I was to appear in DHs absence waving my Statutory Durable Power of Attorney pulling behind me my rolling vault of documentation. Yes I am that person.
You mentioned your Gkids and that you can’t even deal with them right now. I have no idea what part of that is depression and what part of that is just being fried and may be remedied by putting yourself in a time out. We are human beings we all have our limits and those limits differ from person to person.
I am rarely unavailable to keep my Gkids. 5yr old boy. 1 yr old girl. These are my son and DILs kids. But lately if called upon at the wrong time I couldn’t be the Nana I expect myself to be. The “thing” I mentioned above has pretty much consumed my life. Always, alwaaaays, just when I let my guard down phone calls and emails start flying and I need to start digging in my rolling vault and produce something because I’m that weirdo, I have everything.
I sure hope the joy your Gkids bring to you returns and soon because that part is just not fair. You deserve that. We all deserve that.
Much like Stacey in the timespan of less than 2 years 2010-2012 I lost my Dad (Cancer), Stepdad (Cancer) and Maternal Grandmother. My Mom went into NH care a few months before her Mom passed away. I managed all their care, or attempted to. Not a good time. I was on autopilot. I was numb and clinical. I did what I thought I needed to do.
DHs Dad passed away in April 2015. My Mom in October 2015. DHs brother in April 2016.
So, to say I don’t lose was incorrect. I do lose. I have lost so, so much like so many others on this thread and on this site.
When I said earlier that I don’t lose I meant in a competition or personal war. That too is wrong. Speaking accurately, I don’t like to lose. I’m a poor loser. I am an over thinker, I over analyze everythinggggg, according to my DH. Guilty. If a reasonable compromise can’t be found then I’m pretty much all in. Probably not healthy. I’m working on that.
Years later after the loses I don’t have the physical stamina, stress tolerance, mental stamina. On good days I can still multi task...sort of but if I get interrupted all bets are off. The jumping right back in to it is not as easy as it used to be. It’s more like what the h377 was I doing here? As more time passes I continue to see improvement in all the areas I mentioned above.
Have I lost my filter completely? No. But my BS tolerance is certainly not what it was in 2010. Frankly, if I had any adulting to do it was done between 2010-2012 fast, brutally fast.
I no longer read books like some of the others. If I have some free time, which is rare, I would rather sit on my front porch with a cup of coffee and watch the grass grow or watch it rain and enjoy the quiet.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I never want to be the person I was in 2010. I am a better, stronger person now. I won’t knowingly be taken advantage of. I have a backbone. I feel more free to speak what I think. No I don’t bully my way thru life cussing people out.
I am an adult, or an Old Geezer. I did my time, I paid my dues to my family. Now I live my life on MY terms. I only wish I had put myself in an occasional time out back in my Caregiving days. Maybe the recovery wouldn’t take so long.
I hope you put yourself in time out. That you refresh and recharge so that you can enjoy a good day when it happens.
There are rough days ahead. Rest and be ready.
This too shall pass. Maybe like a kidney stone but it will pass.
Save enough of yourself to be able to enjoy life after the kidney stone.
Shows there is hope.
BTW ... I guess all hope isn't lost. I still love to read, . when I'm not too distracted with problems that seem to creep into the reading experience and interrupt it.
My poor old Mom, Nana, my Dad's Mom came to live with us when I was about 8 (1968). she was a selfish old cow, probably a Narcissist but that was the only solution my parents could come up for her, now widowed and alone in Wales, UK and facing blindness from bad cataracts, her only other son refused to care for her, and my Dad being the eldest and the stand up guy he was, agreed to bring her to America to live with us. I was too young to recall or understand how that all came about, but my Mom struggled with her to no end as Nana's Dementia kicked in full force, long before anybody really knew what Alzheimer's disease was about.
My Mom suffered with terrible high BP and migraines in the year leading up to my eldest sister's wedding (1974 and a big deal), and at home my Nana was rapidly descending into the unknown "Dementia", and being right Bi**h, throwing fits, causing havoc, stealing small household items, kids trinkets and wrapping them in toilet paper and hiding them away. She then resorted to taking and hiding Mom's Wedding Manual she painstakingly put together for the past year with all of the plans, every receipt and contact person, there was no internet in those days.
My Mom, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and after the attempt of recreating her notebook, she found it in Nana's room and had WW3 with the old bat, which pushed my Mom to leave the house for a time to live with her sister, and then my Dad's attempt to reel Nana and her evil ways back to some form of decency, but it didn't work, the old bag had an episode, a Catatonic fit that no one could pull her out of as and after 24 hours of her laying in her bed, soiling herself and refusing to snap out of, 911 was called and she ended up in hospital, diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she never returned to our home again, she was placed in a Nursing home and we finally got our Mom back, broken but battered, it took a long time for her to recover too, but she did eventually, so that hopefully can give us some hope eh?
They didn't know a lot about depression, and families knew next to nothing about Alzheimers, all our parents knew about in those days was senility, and that a lot of older people got it. Nana lived with us for about 7 years as the disease ravaged her mind, and she was never a very nice person before that, so she only got worse as time progressed. BTW, Nana lived for another 7 years in NH, she was a blank tape for most of those too.
Dorker, I am So happy you never gave into the Yellow Bedroom, you definitely dodged that bullet, but still the pressures of caring have taken their toll on you, you are broken from the pressures of life, and it is passed time for you to give yourself the opportunity to heal, like so many of us here who also need to find the solution, whatever it may be. Surely it has been discussed here on the forum, with so many of us still suffering from burnout.
I'll be tuning in to read the suggestions, I know that I have tried everything I know to do to turn it around, but I'm still working on it, and I still believe it is time, time is the answer.
Your post got me thinking, have I reached the age of "no filter" and I can say just what I please and others chalk it up to "she's an old geezer, no filter".
Maybe so....
So interesting to me, that in retrospect of the whole scene with dad and K over the weekend, I was in the throes of it all, and couldn't see the other side.
Retrospectively, I wish I'd taken those keys that were shaken at me so demonstrative like .. and the anger exhibited by stepmom .. wish I'd taken those keys and tossed em in the floor and said to both of them, "peace out folks, not doing this".
Hindsight, it's always 20/20.
If I had it to do over again, I think I would do precisely that.
BUT .. it's not going to happen again, .. I have my "lies" my stack of "lies" ready and waiting. I won't be in that predicament.
You sound good. I love what you're saying.
Enough is enough.
Stick to your guns, run for the hills and take care of you!
Thanks for sharing with us.
Edit - oh gosh - I think I read some of Lizzy's post thinking it was you Dorker. I'm so sorry and sorry for what you are going through. I think you are right to say NO any way you can. My heart is with you.
Asshat! Thank you, Lizzy.
I have to laugh at your comment regarding the TV commercials.
Lately, here in my area on TV - is a commercial for Visiting Angels. It’s a caregiving agency along the line of Comfort Keepers and Home Instead.
Anyhoo - the ad has this lady narrating over scenes of her ever so lovingly buttoning up her small child’s coat, sitting with her husband, talking and looking at him with gentle loving eyes and then cutting to her buttoning up the shirt of some old fart... all the while talking about how being a Visiting Angel has enriched her life...
As the commercial ends I’ll say something like “yeah, easy for her to say. Clearly, she doesn’t have a old guy who chits himself and then smears it all over the bathroom walls with his hands”.
Bet my hubby just loves that sunny aspect of my disposition these days.
I really dont WANT to be like this. But, being able to change it just feels totally insurmountable.
Get ready for a rant and my cynical bad attitude.
I agree with Stacey and Rainmoms posts by the way.
Are we irreparably broken from our Caregiving experiences? I’d like to think I am not. It may be my hard headed redneck Texas attitude but I don’t give up, give in, or lose. And if I lose I damn well better have learned a lesson. I certainly realized in the Care Giving Game I gave WAY too much and in turn may have lost a bit of myself.
The bit of myself I lost was the bit of me that was tolerant to dumbfu45678, chit stirring and unreasonable uncalled for stupidity. I also lost a bit of my filter. It’s REALLY hard not to say EXACTLY what I am thinking when others are exhibiting behaviors I have described in this rambling paragraph.
Was I broken or damaged by my carrying experience? I don’t know. But I was forever changed.
I am now the the oldest generation in mine and DHs family. At 58 I am now an Old Geezer. If my LOs are behaving like Asshats after a reasonable discussion rather than walk away I am more inclined as an Old Geezer to tell them as I walk away “you are behaving like an Asshat”.
Reading about . you guys that still feel the pains of it all .. it just brings tears. Of course, these days the tears are just right there at the ready .. at all times. Doesn't take a lot. Saddens me for folks who have to weather this feeling, because I know how it feels.
It robs your core, sucks out your soul, .. the very person you always were and didn't have a problem being .. is sucked dry as brittle crumbling dry parched earth.
Would hate to think I've become the person who has no compassion for others and their plights. Hate to think I've reached a juncture, where my blessed beloved g'kids that mean the world to me, . are only seen .. as yet another entity that "needs/needs/needs".
That's not who I am. Not what I'd ever aspire to be.
But I sure feel that way these days .. having been whacked into the ropes in all this that pushed me just far enough, my back is against the wall.
Nope I no longer cry tears of frustration at the never ending, never ceasing .. ridiculous over thee top need from every corner. Now, I cry tears of the person that, it feels like, is changed forever, to someone that I don't wanna be. But .. I don't have the gumption at this point, to even care to change it.
Maybe modern medicine has brought forth in our populace the ability for these folks to live forever (seems that way) . and at the cost of those behind them.
You think about prior generations where that was the norm, other societies, cultures, where it's the norm .. the elderly and all their dementia and all the chitapalooza spraying everywhere, .. and all the unrealistic demands .. they all take in the elder, and life goes on.
But I have to think that was a time, is a place, . in differing cultures, where there is more support . maybe auntie lives around the corner, and uncle lives up the way a bit . and cousin so and so . and sister and brother such and such . and there is support. Maybe that makes a difference. I don't know, haven't lived that.
I know that . for me, at least ... I have to think . that my notion somewhere deeply entrenched in my brain of what old people are . as seen on tv .. with the visiting nurse commercials . smiling as they are helped to button their coat ..gee, wish that was all there is to it. If I had some "sweet" old people in my radius . maybe that makes a difference ...??.... I don't know.
I have old folks that are demanding, and unrealistic and selfish and it never ends .. never ends in a MIL that laments her poor poor plight . and it falling on a DH that never ceases to fall into that same pit of despair with his mom ..
The only other "old person" I'd ever been around was my granny . and she lived to be 90 yo . and still spry as could be, no mobility issues . in spite of 2 knee replacements at the same time . within the year or so before she passed .. she was able bodied, for the most part . and of sound mind . and participatory every day of her life in church and senior citizen functions and happy . she was a happy soul.
Oh if I had to be handed a lot to care for an elderly why couldn't it have been her. She brought sunshine to anyone she encountered, every day of her life. I miss her.
I read somewhere the other day that
”Empathy without boundaries is self destructive”. I thought of you when I read it.
I don’t know how true that saying is. I am no expert on empathy, boundaries or self destruction. But, as one of many on this site that have lived thru much of what you are going thru, yes, we give, we problem solve, we TRY to put out fires, we try to fix things way passed the point than is healthy mentally or physically. I’m guilty. I did it.
Dorkers thread is not for everyone. But, moving this discussion over to the dysfunctional family thread would cause more controversy with those who have a problem with Dorker, her thread and her decisions.
Dorkers, thread is what it has always been. Those who wish not to participate, don’t like Dorker or her posts should just look away.
I haven’t been around much myself. My daily life has become a firestorm. I’m out of the Caregiving Game but there are problems with crazy in laws, Adult Children, Grand kids, business, spouse.
I haven’t been posting because I did not want to bring my cynical attitude here. Yep. I’m running on fumes. Fun Times.
I have been dropping in maybe once a day just to stay caught up.
This is just a post and leave. If anyone has a problem with me I won’t see it until tomorrow.
Hang in there Dorker. When your tank is empty it’s empty. Everyone in your life is an adult (except the Gkids). Now that you know your DD situation is not life or death serious you can give yourself permission to let everyone figure out their own chit.
Its been three years and a couple of weeks since my mom died. Right after that I did the executor thing for eight months - after that it was an issue with our taxes as it was related to my moms estate - which ended up with audits on both sets of taxes. That all finished up just a few months ago. The odd/funny part of this was that the IRS audit and executor duties were practically a picnic compared to the active caregiving.
So even through mom died three years ago - the whole thing is the gift that just keeps on giving. And me, the whole time thinking “I should be feeling better by now. Why aren’t I feeling better?!?”
I use to LOVE reading - always had a book going. But as things with my parents got more and more difficult- the nonstop phone ringing and accompanying crisis/responsibility - I found it impossible to focus and maintain interest in a book. I mean - I’d get so far, then a crisis would occur... and poof! Book? What book? So, I began trying to read magazines. Short articles and stories. Nope. Couldn’t focus on even that. Haven’t finished a book in four years.
Of course there was the fact that once I put Rainman to bed - all I wanted to do was go to bed myself. The blessed peace of sleep. So, in bed by 9pm - only to wake up around midnight when the insomnia kicked in. Maybe- MAYBE I could fall back asleep around 5am - only to have to get up at 7am for Rainman and the dogs. AND of course there were the 3am phone calls from my mother to ask me if it was 3:00 in the morning or in the afternoon. Or her calls at 5am asking me why I wasn’t there yet to take her to her doctors appointment THAT WAS ANOTHER SIX FREAKIN HOURS AWAY!!!
I could go on and on... but to get to the point - I have recently started to wonder if I’m irreparably broken.
I use to be able to handle an enormous level of stress and multi tasking. HUGE amounts. Now, I get
physically nauseous when the phone rings. Still. Three years past... Am I beyond repair? I really do wonder.
So Dorker - lie and avoid whomever and whatever you need to now. To avoid feeling like you feel now - for the rest of your life. And, don’t even get me going on the Angry part of this... not giving a chit is one thing - not giving a chit AND being angry... yeah, that’s really fun!
What is it exactly, is it because we are Women, Mothers, burnt out caregivers, anticipatory grief, Grief? We get to this point of "I'm Done" and I don't have anything left to give, I just cannot care about one more thing? I wish I knew, and the "getting over it part" is just as mystifying to me, as I still don't think I'm there yet, nearly 2 years after the fact of our last parent dying.
Our kids are all right, grandkids too. The old man died, and it took nearly a year with my husband's constant badgering to get me to a place where I was ready to sell our home, to downsize as was always our plan, but the knowing that first we needed to clear our home of 34 years of "stuff" and ready it for sale was all too much for me to wrap my brain around, I had nothing left to give.
And so finally, a year later, I agreed to sell, ready the house, sell it, pack up and move, live with my sister for a couple of months, buy a new place, move (again!) into it, unpack and pretty it up hemorrhaging cash, uggg, tired and exhausted, and still I don't feel like I have returned to my previous enjoyment of life, when will it return? Things are back on track, but my spirit has yet to return, can it really take this long?
Not to be a Debbie Downer (surprise surprise! Lol!), But What is it, I wish I knew! And for me personally, a lot of people want to slap on the label of Depression, but I'm not one who wants to medicate for a sx that I do not completely understand, and am more of the party who wants to ride it out, it Should come back naturally, shouldn't it? I for one have fixed everything there is to fix, and I'm not even saying that I don't enjoy my life, but it is that feeling, that lifting of the fog, that I finally have the ways and means, but I don't have caring about even Wanting to, my spirit is still broken, my get up and go has got up and left. I miss it!
I'm a big proponent of "time heals all wounds", but Damn, what's taking so long? Any idea's, and with the holidays and Winter fast approaching, now what? I'm over it.