I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
We chatted of how dangerous that was, as they could easily get mugged or walk out in front of a car, and in the very next second, we saw a young gal nearly run over for just that very reason. Distracted workers, I'll bet it happens a lot!
But once they're adults and pay their own freight with their phone bills (and otherwise) not a lot can be said about it. But .. one also doesn't have to put themselves in that proximity more than necessary and that's the approach taken thus far.
Her husband .. while he too has a proclivity to lose himself in the phone (a game he plays on it) . .. he's nowhere near as bad as DD is, as to disengaging with the world at large.
Just this afternoon, rather telling. I had 6 yo here for the afternoon . and playing with her (she loves to play school and she is a taskmaster of a teacher, lemme tell ya). And she tried to engage YD who was also sitting there (face in phone) .. and didn't work, to engage YD . and she said (rather telling) . "YD you're just like my mom, always looking at your phone!".
Sad, really.
Not even YD is as bad as DD is with it all.
And yes, . there was a time sometime back that I did find myself . .and made note of it, a diaper needed changing, a plate needed made, a bottle filled, . whatever . it was me . hopping too . and the parents ... having a grand ole time. I noted it, and changed that. I now .. don't auto-pilot . hop to . and go do it, . but choose to announce to the parents .. "so and so needs a juice, it's in the fridge, help yourself". I help, .. but having found myself the only one running my legs ragged when they visit .. I stopped it, that was some time back.
I know it's a pervasive problem . you see it in restaurants all the time, even with a couple .. sitting there . and each on their phones, not talking to one another, but engaged in what's on their phone. You see it in families, out to dinner, the kids all surfing their phones . and ole mom and pop paying the freight for the dinner out, them disengaged the whole time. It's rude, and I wouldn't "choose" to be a party to it, I don't care who it is.
Boundaries with the grandchildren are good as well. You can’t be the only one to help DD out with childcare. It’s simply not fair to you. My MIL would not establish boundaries and she was the one BIL & his ex wife chose to burden with their child care needs and I’ve posted about this before but—when MIL got sick and life became stressful, the situation got very ugly. My BILs ex wife refused to take my advice & make other child care arrangements (or work less. She’s a workaholic. she’s a hair stylist not a heart surgeon, if she doesn’t work she doesn’t get paid & she has to move around her clients but it’s not like anyone will die from missing their hair appoint, because she’s not performing heart transplants or unblocking clogged arteries, she’s cutting and coloring hair but honestly the way she acts and the way this family caters to her every need, you would think she’s out there savings lives or something. God forbid she have to reschedule a client!.) and I’ve told this tale before but my sick, stressed out MIL and a difficult grandchild was a very bad combination, she did not have the same patience to deal with him anymore and one day, he was being especially difficult and didn’t want to put on his shoes to go to the park and he threw a fit and said he didn’t want to be there with her and she lost her temper and told him she didn’t want him there either! It was bad all around. My nephew went home thinking she hated him and she regretted her words immensely. And of course, nothing changed, he was still left in her care for far too long because his parents suck and there were more disagreements and periods where BIL and ex wife stopped talking to her but still used her for childcare. With everything going on around you Dorker, I am glad to hear that you are putting up boundaries and saying no. You have to say no sometimes, for your own good. You can’t be everything to everybody all the time.
Midkid, I laughed at that too but part of me feels enraged on your behalf because your husband really said that he and his sibling will take care of their mom! Really? If he was my husband and I was in your shoes, we’d be having a come to Jesus talk maybe with a divorce attorney present! How can he even consider that when his wife has cancer? IIRC he’s not really helped you, he’s been unsympathetic and his world is still turning. So it just blows my mind he said that to you!! But then again like most men, he probably didn’t think it through either.
You sound so much better!
Adult kids with their faces in their phones. That bugs me too. My daughter is the worst.
Midkid,
I wasn’t drinking anything so there wasn’t a spew but I did giggle.
Your DH said “we” are gonna take care of Mom. Translation: His Sister is going to take care of Mom.
Oh my....
And yes, checking for "likes" on social media likely.
She has every reason to be extremely proud of herself. Looking great!
Personally, I prefer a person with a little more humility. Just me though.
Not trying to be overly punitive as to "get coverage for the kiddos & we'll go".
I realize its quite a feat to accomplish for twin 2 yo's. Not impossible though.
I just am trying really hard to rise to my own wants .. and not always *bend til I break* at everyone elses. Just that simple.
No way in H377 that man is gunna step up to care for his mom. Indeed, does he have a remote control robot?!?!?!
So there is, afterall, someone else on the face of the planet, backstroking down the river of Denial. Mr. Midkid is his name.
Pop the popcorn, kickback and tune in, gunna be interesting watching this!
Encourage J to open her own checking account, separate and probably best kept secret from HER husband. This may be an escape route for her; you know that saying about God closing doors and opening windows? This looks like a good window for her to climb out of.
Dorker good on boundaries. I’m the same way with my son and phone. Especially when I’m paying. Getting kid coverage for twins is hard but you’ve suggested mother’s day out. DD has to decide that she can swap labor for some relief. She’s looking for likes on her selfie posts...
Doesn't your dad's hospital offer valet parking?????? That would cut the frustration by at least 50%.
We're on your way to my 5th!! (out of 6) infusion in a minute and we're running late, but Dh will drop me at the front door and then have the car valet parked. They actually PREFER that you use the valet, people driving all over a fairly tight drop off area can be a nightmare.
Just a thought. In fact, ALL the larger hospitals ( all that would be offering chemotherapy!) have valet. I always use it, even when I have taken myself to some random appt.
As far as moving all MIL's junk into a storage facility---check the pricing on those, Wanna spend over $1000 a month storing junk? B/C that's what you'll be doing. Then, when you can face the 'culling of the junk' suddenly all those treasures will be worthless. I's separate out what's truly a; valuable b; sentimental c; usable, by some one who could use, need its and the rest goes to Good Will. We did this with mother & dad's home and they were pretty shocked to see that MOST of their stuff was absolutely worthless.
We 'stored' nothing but mother's checking accounts from the beginning of time. Everything else went.
Or don't even be involved.
I spoke too soon--looks like they are going to allow MIL to go home as long as she has 8 hr a day care. I asked DH who was going to provide said care and he looked at me in shock "Uh, I guess J and I will be doing it". This brought forth laughter of an epic degree from me. I give this less than a week and she will be sick again or have fallen again. She needs to be in an ALF but will not consider it. And won't consider 'outside the family' care.
I may have my own "Dorker's tale" to share.
even weekly .. with the less frequent stops here. So be it. But it is a frustration.
What have I done about it? I have said .. "put your phone down, . .. ". That gets met with a "whatever ... I see you on your phone too". Yea . you do, if I pick it up to check a text, . or a lull in the conversation ongoing . and I pick it up to do whatever, momentarily . but then put it back down . .I don't lose myself in it .. and disengage from the people around me as a whole.
So what I've done about it, in the end, is make it purposeful . to not invite . and not reach out, to summon them this way. Works for me.
I don't care to sit in the company of anyone, friend/family who finds those in their presence . far less engaging than that which is on their phone. I wouldn't choose to spend time with a friend who does that. Thus, .. I've chosen . to limit exposure to that. You're an adult, your phone, you pay the bill on it, use it how you want. But I don't have to expose myself to that behavior either, and so I don't.
Also, . she has made it a point to mention more than once, . in the last few weeks about her kids outgrowing everything .. and the weather soon to change . and time to go shopping. Something we've always enjoyed . consignment shopping . and we used to do so . weekdays . kids in tow . and off we'd go. But I have made it pretty clear, that doesn't work for me any longer. Last few times we tried that, . it's just not workable. The kids . .they want out of their strollers, and cry and carry on . and so you give in, let them out of their strollers . and off they go, now you're chasing 2 yo's around instead of shopping . and so you put them back in the strollers, buckle them in .. then they cry and want out .. it's just not an enjoyable experience, . not these days.
"Dorker that's what free shipping an online shopping is all about".
Yep . have done it and done it, thru the years. But now, . the new me . the one that isn't gonna "bend" to everyone else's wants ... "make it happen DD, get yourself some time that you can shop kid-free . and ... coverage for the kids, I'm on it, we'll go . let's do it", and sticking to that approach.
And thus far, . hasn't been workable for that to occur. So be it. My wallet then stays in my purse.
I would love nothing better than to have some time with her (and if she loses herself in her phone in that setting, I will speak up) .. to maybe go out and have lunch, go to some consignment stores, maybe even a kid store or two . and find some things . and she herself, has lost so much weight with her new exercise regiment .. (so proud of her and have said so numerous times) . that her clothes are all falling off. Would love to get her a few things also ..
Would love to spend a few hours doing that. And have said so. So make it happen .. get coverage for your kids, and we'll be on it like white on rice.
Thus far, . no go ..
So be it. We'll see.
Sometimes things go right . when you more clearly look at where it is you feel battered and on the ropes and stepped on . and you act to "fix it".
Tomorrow, I will "meet' my dad and his wife at the Oncology appt and not be subject to her scrambled brains . and their squabbles in that realm, or at least lessen my exposure to it, and I'll celebrate that, believe me I will. I am, at least for the moment, rejoicing in the fact that MIL was found to be in conversation with someone "church lady" described to be "maybe she's found a friend".
Enjoyed time with the twins the other afternoon. Today . I'm gonna run to the burger joint and pick up lunch and go meet 6 yo g'daughter at her school and have lunch with her, . which will be pleasurable.
It's good.
"will meet" him .. at the chemo on Friday ....
In that appt, which he has requested I be a part of .. they are to go over results of PET scan done earlier this week .. and .. his wife carted him to that appt. I "lied" .. told him that I have to work that day (a lie, out and out lie) and so won't have the time to go get them both . but will meet them there, and then be on my way, back to work.
That was done on purpose, on my part. To lessen my exposure to his wife and
their squabbling and her scrambled brains. Driving thru the parking garage . her along .. and going floor to floor there, . as has been done countless times now . my approach is to go the 4th floor of the pkg garage and pull the car over at what is there the entry to the bldg .. and the doc office, right inside the entry and then I will go and seek out a parking spot and come back and meet them . I don't have mobility issues (thankfully) and so if it's a hike for me, it's not an issue, it is very much an issue for him. Thus, I pull over, drop he and his walker, and wife . at the entry to the bldg . and on I go, to find a parking spot.
Even this whole process, .. with her of scrambled brain .. is an exercise in frustration as she fusses at me, each row we drive of the parking lot, each floor, and I drive right past empty parking spaces, explaining . "no .. I'm going to the 4th floor remember, to drop you guys right at the entry". "Oh" she'll say, and then fuss at me, yet again, for driving right past yet another empty parking space. This goes on, e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e. And sometimes even raising dad's ire in the fact it's been explained countless times why I'm doing what I'm doing, driving right past empty parking spots. She doesn't "get it".
So .. yea, not optimal that he will now be at her mercy as they traverse to this appt . and go thru the parking lot . and him having to navigate the waters . without me there to do the driving . and make her understand that she can't just take the 1st available parking spot . or who knows . maybe he'll just let her take the 1st available spot and then he'll hike it with his walker . who knows, up to them.
But the point there, . empowering my ability to lessen my exposure to her maddening lack of thought process and the arguments that ensue. Boundaries.
Sometimes thing go right ....
And so . he agreed to that, and so it will be. And I will likely continue to "lie" that I have to work, and how they get there, .. and whether he has a hike to get to where he needs to be .. or fights with her to help her understand . "no .. I can't walk all that way, take me to the 4th floor, to the entry" .. not gonna be my wagon to drag along.
And on the other front .. has nothing to do with eldercare .. is the DD situation. I've been, lately .. last several months . for whatever is the reason . frustrated by the fact .. first and foremost .. DD who used to be here, kids in tow . (too much) .. a lot . hasn't done so in recent months. I don't know what the basis is for that, and it doesn't matter, she's a busy mom with even busier toddlers . and so it is. She doesn't come around as much as she did at one time. But . what has frustrated me is that when she does come here (which isn't frequent as it used to be) . her face is in her phone and disengaged .. as a whole . from that which goes on around her.
I don't like that, in any visit with anyone. If your phone is far more engaging than is the person in your presence, . then stay home and engage with your phone, why are you even here.
I know it's a pervasive issue . with many. I think it's rude.
She will . (has) in the past, fished for a dinner invite for she and family (something we used to do a lot of), .. only to be here, family in tow ... and her face in the phone . the entire time . disengaged. It has displeased me. They don't come around as much in recent months . so it's not anything that occurs daily or even
I know it sure is the bane of DH's existence, . that the house still sits, empty .. and not yet offloaded, and him having to go by periodically to give it a once over. First and foremost the sadness it brings .. but beyond that, the "chore" of the *what do I need to fix now*. Just the whole thing. He'd, if you listen to the amount of b*7ching that goes on . would like the thing to be gone and is more than willing to go do so by himself, . no help . just . let's get it done.
If it were me, and I had that much of a bee in my bonnet over it all, I'd be on the horn blowing up SIL's phone and letting her know .. it's gonna be commencing here, on ________________ so and so date .. and if you can't be here to speak up for what you want, then you better tell me, what you want, . otherwise it's gone. Done with it.
But . true to form .. these people have some serious communication issues. So .. I hear the b*&ching about it all, . but the person who "needs" to hear it, his sister, . does not.
So whatever ...
I guess, the atty will advise on how to answer on that "certificate of occupancy" and they will follow suit .. so be it on that front, also. Not in my control. Boy could I, if I were one to upset apple carts, . cause all kinds of problems by letting the RM company know (hey .. folks . she ain't been there since a few days in February . and she ain't comin back .. so ... ). But .. why go borrow trouble. Lord knows it finds me without me helping it.
..............and then ....... things go right, for a change.
Got a text yesterday from *church lady* who'd been by to see MIL. It read as follows:
"Went by to see MIL .. imagine my surprise to have found her outside, conversing with one of the other residents there .. and seemed she was enjoying the company of this other nice lady, who also joined in our visit .. she seemed a pleasant person, maybe MIL has made a friend. And MIL was so pleased to have had a visit the day before from someone from the Bereavement Team at our church who brought her some fresh flowers, . and said she enjoyed visiting with her".
(That last part, .. we'd been there the night before, to visit MIL . and she complained her flowers were droopy . but we hadn't had time to go and get fresh flowers for her .. something DH attends to pretty routinely, bringing fresh flowers. The next day I had the twins here for the afternoon and the cable TV guy here making some upgrades .. and it was chaos around here .. with all the commotion. When B from our church called, .. wanting to bring me an arrangement of fresh flowers from our church .. a funeral this past wknd at church and loads of flowers left . .and so they'd taken them apart, and made arrangements . and she wanted to deliver one here, for us to get to MIL. We'd just seen MIL and had no plans to go back . I certainly didn't, not with a cable guy here, and screaming twins under foot . and DH was working late. Explained that to B .. and she offered to haul the flower arrangement to MIL . asked where is her NH and did so.
So, sometimes things go right .. and it's such a ray of sunshine when it does.
To have heard from *church lady* that MIL was found outside ... and enjoying conversation with another resident there. WOOHOO!!!!!!! Happiness.
This, the day after the Bingo bungle. So it's not all doom/gloom.
Then on the other front .. I'd put out word to my dad (I know it's fraught with all kinds of problems/drama to do things this way) .. that I will
Nice break from father issues, yes? Seems as if he now knows he needs to somehow get himself to Friday chemo appointments and deal with any chemo side-effects.
Ah well, they'll figure all of it out. Sounds like MIL has her own ongoing drama with Chatty Cathy. I hope she'll still come out and participate in the activities, even if she shuns bingo for now. It sounds like helping the other residents is good for her.
I'm glad you're limiting your exposure to everybody's messes. You're right, it's not yours to own, their mess and the byproduct of their decisions.
She has ONE friend. (I have a sneaky feeling she would not even TALK to this woman if she weren't still driving) anyway--they go to BINGO once a week and mother plays several cards at once, I guess, and she wins every week. It's all garbage, really, nothing at all of value, but there's a status in being a WINNER. One day I was at mother's and she rolls up with "W", her friend. W is in a snit, very obvious and as I walk to car to open it for mother I can hear the 'fight' going on, W accused mother of playing the odds or something--anyhow, Mother had won a big candle in a jar. W really wanted it, and I said "Sheesh, mother how many of those do you have in the closet? 10? Why don't you give W the candle? She might enjoy it?" W is practically drooling for this candle. Mother says "I paid for your lunch! This is MY candle".
In the end, of course, candle went in the house with mother and it was a BIG deal to her that she kept that thing. She's not allowed to use matches, so I don't know what the big deal was, but she has a TON of completely useless crap she wins at BINGO and she keeps it out on display for all and sundry to see.
It was so funny and so sad at the same time. It's time reversal--our LO's act like toddlers.
As for the RM--it's not your pony to ride, so you can hopefully ignore it and let SIL handle it. You have until next Feb it sounds like----I highly doubt the RM company is dying to get this place, sounds like it's going to be a tear-down or a MAJOR fixer upper and the bank won't even make a dime back.
My MIL probably won't be returning to her home, it looks like. At least her house is so incredibly immaculate & empty of 'stuff' we can slap a "for sale" sign on it and not even have to run a vacuum around first. For this small blessing I am truly grateful! My mom has more stuff in her 800sf apartment than MIL has in her 2000 sf house.
And truth be told--your daily dose of 'what's happening?' just makes my day. Just when I think my relatives can't get weirder---something new pops up in the Dorker corner.
It arrived in September. It is a "certificate of occupancy" request.
Basically, the RM people ask every year, via snail mail, . this formal letter requiring signature, etc .. that you still reside in the residence that is RM'd. To not still reside in said home . is to be in violation of the terms of said RM.
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
No MIL does not reside in that home . and will never again reside there.
By all that's right . the home should be turned back over to the company that manages the RM .. and to do so would be to empty it of it's contents and relinquish it to the RM folks.
Why hasn't that happened yet?
Because . there are things that SIL will want from the home .. (some pieces of furniture, some pictures, .. etc etc) .. maybe some of the fine china or whatever. Who knows. And SIL . hasn't been able to get back here, having departed here the beginning of May ..
DH, who has a box of important papers on MIL's behalf stored here, . combed thru that, to try to find the RM docs . .and it isn't there. So, . my guess, it's at MIL's house somewhere, those docs. Those docs indicate .. that the home has to be occupied by the owner, .. for 12 continuous months .. and if not, the occupant is to relinquish the home to the RM company.
So .... my guess .. absent any documentation that isn't at the ready in our hands .. the home was vacated .. really . for the most part, back on February 15 when MIL fell ill with a UTI . and was hospitalized. It was at that point, that SIL brought her home to FL . from her stay in IL ... and SIL threw in the towel . that she can't keep doing this, her mom too needy and frail and ill. And so the ball began rolling, .. as to placement. From that hospital stay for the UTI . she was sent to a rehab place, . to work back to some strength . where she then fell and broke her hip. Hip was surgically repaired, and more rehab to try to get her walking again (that still isn't achieved, she is still in a wheelchair) . that all occurred in March.
The whole process ongoing from that point, as to Medicaid funding and finding "placement". She was moved in April .. to where she currently is, a NH (Purgatory). She won't be residing in the home ever again.
So . no . she hasn't .. vacated the home for any 12 month period of time. She was back . in February (only a few days actually, from the stay in IL which had been a period of 5 months absent, to stay with her daughter, allowable btw .. via terms of RM). She was back only a few days and fell ill with the UTI that landed her in the hospital, and SIL throwing in the towel from there forward as to being a c'giver for her, . to remain in her home.
In the end, sounds like SIL has reached out to the Elder care atty utilized to help facilitate Medicaid funding, and estate planning .. and will follow what they advise as to how to address that all important letter requesting "certificate of occupancy".
By all that's right, . it should've already been done, the home emptied of its contents and returned to the RM folks . .. she isn't going to return there. Those are the terms . if she doesn't reside there, it's no longer her's.
But .. I guess . that has all been stymied in SIL's inability to return here .. and much to DH's chagrin . who is charged with going there to check on the place, and make minor repairs . to a home that will no longer house his mom.
So get on with it then.
Understandable, I suppose. A home cooked meal, is usually hands down, going to be more tasty than would a MOW. I get that.
I think at the NH .. the foods .. I haven't taste tested any of it, but in general, what I've seen on my infrequent visits there (what DH reports in his frequent visits there) . it generally looks, smells pretty appetizing.
I think the folks there, old folks, they just are compelled to complain .. in some cases, it's understandable, look what life has become for them.
I think it would be, like Staceyb pointed out, a rare gem of an older person that would be a ray of sunshine and happiness. The norm, is probably a complainer.
To be expected, probably.
But . the charge becomes one of . not "owning" that which you have no control over. She didn't eat when she was at home ... that was one of the worries, when she lived at home, lack of adequate nutrition . thus MOW's summoned, . that didn't fix it. I would say, she "is" eating better, in our observation . in this setting. Complains the food isn't good . all while eating bite after bite, and consuming most of what's in front of her.
Don't give it a lot of airplay. Case in point, with my dad and his wife with scrambled eggs for brains at this point. It's his choice, .. to continue living in that set up .. he has choices, he has the means .. and so .. his "choice". So .. I am "choosing" to limit my exposure to it, for my own sanity ..
Rather than as some who run hamster wheels would be trying to do .. find a "fix" .. and/or . others who fall into pits of despair over it all, and wring their hands at the poor poor plight of poor poor ole dad. I'm not going to "own" it . as to the choices made. Just that simple. My life . and my well being and QOL is worth something . and throwing my emotions . and my energy behind something that I have no control over, is useless.
SIL and DH could take a page out of that book and read it over and over and over .. and maybe gain some benefit there.
As to the CC and her ire .. the woman .. I dunno . she's just .. she's not altogether there mentally. Again, .. you can't "own" that, . you can't change it. Yes, maybe entertain the notion of changing to a different roomie, if you want. But . whose to say there won't be problems there, just of a different flavor. Yes, perhaps if MIL had her witts about her (she doesn't at this age) . maybe she could reach out to the Activities Coordinator . and maybe glean some workaround to all this.
I do feel bad for MIL .. in that, . she finally . finally .. after all this time, at least took a gander at what this whole Bingo thing is about, as observant . not participant . and .. ended up trying to be helpful (something she's always prided herself in being, . the savior to the world and it's problems). And it bit her on the hand, badly . in CC's ire (and CC's pretend daughter that visits her, a pretend daughter cut from the same cloth).
Maybe they "should" entertain the notion of changing her to the roomie who she helped to play Bingo. Obviously that individual is a little more "with it" in that she "can" play Bingo ... she just wasn't able to control her shaky hands. She's obviously a "kind" individual . in her insistence that MIl take .25 cents to pay her for her help.
It's just problem after problem after problem .. daily/hourly at times it seems. Some big . some not so big.
The latest also, a piece of mail arrived yesterday here (MIL's mail is forwarded here, . for DH to review, and pay bills, etc.). This piece of mail, .. much hullabaloo on going ..
It is what arrive annually .. only generally speaking that has been in December of each year. This time, for whatever reason(s) it arrived in
And where were this elderly folks dining before finding themselves where they are now? I doubt it was in restaurants with stars. It is just a given that the food will be too salty or bland. It will never be hot enough nor served as timely as they wish it were.
In SC we have hurricanes and evacuations so weather is right up there with problematic food. I simply stopped asking about the food. What I get now after taking my mother out for a meal is "how nice it is to eat somewhere else and not at 4". It is never 4 but rather 5. Do most of us not eat the majority of our meals at home? Not only that but we have to be concerned about getting the food and possibly preparing it. I would enjoy being able to choose what food groups I might like to eat at a certain meal.
Maybe you could explain some of this to SIL or have DH do it. At the very least she should know most of her meals are being consumed which seems to be a change from when she first arrived there. I recall hearing that she was not eating and losing significant weight. That is what is most important.
SIGH,SIGH,SIGH. I admire your tenacity in dealing with these constant complaints. I guess people don't come here to tell us about the wonderful lives their family etc. are living in facilities.
She is so in need of some socialization too. I hope that someone there can talk with CC and ask her to back off and to encourage MIL to partake in the activities, but it seems like she is somehow threatened by MIL in having a bit of fun. That's just terrible!
Can you ask if an Aide can come by her room to take to some activities, preferably ones that CC does not participate in herself? Maybe/hopefully she will forget it ever happened in time. That CC is a piece of work!
Ridiculous stuff like what MIL just went through is one huge reason I know my MIL is going to be a grade-a pill when the dust settles on this.
She is a whiner--my gosh--complains that she has had the WORST LIFE EVER in the history of time. And she seriously believes it. She is in a private room in a facility that only has a few of those, so she's already upset the wrong people...or b/c of the pneumonia, she is being kind of 'quarantined'..again, I don't know, since nobody talks to me. She is worth easily a million dollars, with real estate and savings and investments. Not many 89 yo people can say that.
She can't get along with anyone for very long, esp if they don't agree with her viewpoint 110%.
About the time I was dxed with cancer, she was having some problems with sciatica. I got stuck going to a party where she happened to be (thanks a bunch, DH, for roping me into this). She was complaining about the pain and said "Well, you wouldn't know how excruciating sciatica is"...I replied, 'yep, had it bad with every pregnancy and had to have back surgery to fix it'. THEN she says, 'well, you're LUCKY you just have cancer, they can fix that. I am going to walk in pain the rest of my life'. WTH???? Could she not just say "I am so sorry for what you are going through? No, she has to one-up everyone.
Not my problem, and Dh is trying darned hard to make it not be his either. I am pretty disappointed in him, but he's acting just the way I knew he would.
Makes me sad and mad simultaneously. If my cancer came at a bad time for DH---well, wait 'til he's six months into helping caregive for his mom. He'll fall at my feet and worship me for being so easy to care for.