I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Just make it clear to her that you will not be coming along to be MIL's caregiver (helping to lift MIL into the minivan, being MIL's bathroom attendant and chitapalooza cleaner).
So what was the restaurant like? Not Brick and not Shack?
But, I am glad it went off as well as one could hope. Happy Sunday.
There can still (and will) be problems trying to do outings. It's a given.
I guess I too am damaged.
Sorry. I am damaged.
No chitapalooza episode, if there is to be one, she's back at Purgatory and capable staff on hand.
The worst part of it all was DH having to literally almost pick her up, to get her into the car seat. Her legs are like limp noodles, cant pick them up on her own .. no strength to do it.
One doesnt even think about it .. they plant their butt in the car seat & up come the legs into the car without so much as a thought. Not so when your legs are essentially limp noodles with zero strength.
She can stand, holding onto something and s-l-o-w-l-y pivot to turn around and put butt to car seat but one then has to use their legs and her's are all but useless.
So in the end, thats the only downside. Well, that & 2 two year olds that were restless & whiney (predictable). I gulped my food in record speed & took them outside for a walk. So that too was ok really.
Best of all no chitapalooza (this time) not while we were on this.
She seemed appreciative and aware it was monumental & team based to make it happen.
Rainmom, ain’t that the truth?! This experienced has colored so much of what I do and the way I think about so many things. I am still hopeful though, that at least some of it will ebb away over time and that I can start thinking about being my own age again...
you know, sometime BEFORE I hit old age myself😂
Does anyone escape this caregiving of an elderly loved one, undamaged?
Anyone?!?
”I am damaged”. A-FRICKIN’-MEN!!!
Yes, I could .. (and I won't) be the one, especially (expect it, see it coming in the light) .. now that it's seen she can be carted around in a portable wheelchair .. I could've been the one over there, .. okay she has a doc appt., . let me figure out how to get her there, .. and seen, at doc office, .. and get her back home.
Nope .. I put my foot down, that now needs to be handled medically .. let transport come get her, .. she can be accompanied by a staff member, in case of any issues .. and her doc appts take place as above.
I see it coming, .. if today goes off . and other outings . that she can now be transported via portable chair . that it'll land back in my lap .. "well gee Dorker, we've seen she does alright .. she really would rather that one of us take her to "x" doc appt., does she really have to be subject to medical transport, and a staff person . can't you just go get here".
No.
I'm not interested, in entering that realm again. I've been to far too many doc appts with this woman where she is advised .. or me if I'm there, .. "thus and so needs to take place, as to "x" ailment" and then it not get seen to, . and/or tossed aside, and me banging my head against a wall, .. so no. Not entering that realm ever again.
Will not be me. If she's seen at a doc office for whatever cause dujour is .. it'll be at the hands of medical staff who communicate on said issues and if the ball gets dropped .. it won't be me that is at the helm of having wasted time/energy to see to it all. Not gonna be me.
MIL is now on Medicaid, right? One thing that has helped immensely with my brother is that there are transports, sometimes a van or something. They come, wheel them up a ramp onto the van, which is much better than the dance of getting them off the wheelchair and into the car, or switching/folding/shoving wheelchairs into the trunk of a car. They pick them up at a set time and drop them off at the destination. And you schedule a time for pickup as well, unless is it a short appointment, then they will sometimes wait.
It has been a lifesaver. My brother is compromised cognitively just enough that I have a small window with him before he gets weird. Having someone else do the hauling and driving allows me to keep that window for what is important.
I made it very clear with his Medicaid team... social workers, nurses... that I will NOT be transporting him, period. If he fell, there is no way I would be able to get him up.
I don’t think they would have offered the info on the free transport if I hadn’t been so adamant about that at the front end. I had spent years hauling 2 demented, frail, unbalanced elders... and they were actually kind to me most of the time. I cannot imagine doing it for my brother, who is much bigger and a pill on a good day.
Just wanted to mention it in case it helps anyone reading this. A resource that is often hidden, but very helpful:)
even though that too, could've been foretold . as to what could've occured . and I could sit there just as stupified as the rest of em, .. "oh dear DD . guess you should've thought to grab a handful of gloves when you went to Purgatory to get her" .. as I play with one of the twins ..
Yep could've opted for that as a plan.
Even thought it thru, before suggesting same to DD.
But .. again . in the interest of .. I have nothing against an outing for this woman .. I truly do not ... so with that as my sentiment .. I went ahead and suggested she grab some gloves ... in case of chitapalooza clean up ..
Me the nuisance nancy who is seen as someone who worries over the most finite of detail . and worrying everyone in my circumfrence with it all .. maybe I should've . knowing all the possible pitfalls .. the wheelchair that isn't portable, the gloves that may be needed .. I could've sat there with the stupid look on my face, of "well who knew that would be any problem . oh geeze . yea . that's an issue".
Or I can just . in the case of the gloves .. throw it out there as suggestion, and I did. I didn't offer to go buy a box of gloves and I won't. I did go and buy a portable wheelchair, .. because I knew to suggest that DD do it . .she can't . she had napping twins at the hour this was on my radar .. and .. she doesn't have access to the MIL cc, I do . would've meant a trip over here to get the cc .. and then to the store, to go get it .. and so I just did it .. I could've suggested it to DH . as an eventuality that needs to be seen to, and you saw what my thoughts were when any notion of presenting it to him . .would've played out. So I just did it.
So yea .. "in it" . sorta . in this case.
As to the drawstring pants .. I'm torn . part of me wants to just not even answer to it at all, . and ignore it.
The other part of me, wants to answer to it, .. "have you lost your mind . it was less than week ago . your mom was complaining no one had come to button her pj's . and you think she's gonna now be able to handle tying and untying a string in her pants . you've lost your mind . and didn't we just buy her all new clothes like in June with elastic waists . she now needs new clothes why? And . what of the dam laundry there, so next comes the lost drawstrings in the pants . and no one can find them .. so yea . we need to go buy her new pants that will now encompass a whole host of other issues it'll create .. no .. and not to mention the drawstring falling into the toilet . as she struggles with toileting . and that now being soiled and no one to come change her . and the complaints that ensue . no . you've lost your mind . she doesn't need drawstring dam pants ... find something else to do . than come up with yet one more thing that will "supposedly" make your mom happy .. I'm not doing it".
with the numskulls all with the keystone cops mentality of trying to solve it all, all while I knew all along that was gonna present an issue.
Knowing fully well, cuz I know what I know, .. it could all end in .. oops .. looks like that was a good thought . but in reality not workable . sorry MIL no outing . we just can't fit this wheelchair . it doesn't collapse .. we're not gonna be able to go anywhere ... gotta get a portable chair .. and it all come to a screeching halt . and then what drama follows all that ... more drama for the coming week .. that poor poor MIL .. had her hopes up . but now it didn't get to happen .. what hoop can we next jump thru in the pursuit to make her happy, she's so unhappy .. so miserable, so depressed.
Yep, all of that thought process ran thru my brain .. as a ticker tape of it all playing out. I could've mentioned it to DH in passing . "uh dear, . don't know if you've thought of it, but that big wheelchair she uses . it's not gonna be collapsible .. and so .. getting that into the car to get her around is gonna be a problem but hey they sell them at so and so store, just run get one . a collapsible one .. ".
I can tell ya that would've been met with ...
A) It'll work out, not worried about it Dorker .. GAWD you worry about e.v.e.r.y. single thing .. don't worry about it, we'll figure it out.
or
B) I don't have time .. I'm leaving this afternoon for a men's retreat .. have to be there at "x" o'clock ... can you go get it.
Yep .. every bit of that played out in my mind, before I checked with DH .. "can I use MIL's cc and go get her a portable wheelchair .. that one at Purgatory isn't portable and I don't know if they even have such to lend out".
All of it, before I .. was "in it" .. and doing when maybe I should've left well enough alone and stood back just as clueless as they are, .. at the whole debacle now as they have MIL in her wheelechair, at the car, . and struggle to get her into the car, and now what to do with this big gawgag wheelchair that doesn't collapse and weighs a ton.
Sometimes, especially when you yourself .. are motivated in the fact .. I don't have anything against an outing for her, . and a splendid idea .. if someone wants to take the helm and make it happen for her .. a grand gesture .. and if it works . then all the better. And that is my sentiment. I don't have a thing in the world against any outing for her . and so . if it can go off without a hitch . and it may . this time ... then all the better.
So my choice was one of .. knowledgeable that may very well present more drama as the whole thing falls apart at the 9th hour at what .. is so easily solvable but these numskulls don't have a dam clue. Stand back and watch it all fall apart . and then the drama that will ensue at her drama queen ways and having the 9th hour of it all falling apart, all while I knew, could've foretold . what would be the outcome . or just go get the dam thing .. and the latter is the choice I made. Yep, thought about all of it.
Even the gloves .. I hadn't thought of that til it got mentioned here, but eeewwww grosss .... to have to clean up chitapalooza and no gloves on hand .. omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No thank you.
Even though they are all numskulls and they are .. thru and thru . as to what they're getting into here . all they see is the quaint gesture this all is and how sweet .. that she'll get an outing, that's the truth. No one in this is thinking thru wheelchairs, and .. so forth . and gloves for cleaning up chitapalooza .. not a chance, .. that one I hadn't even thought of til it got mentioned here.
So yes, my mind even went there, .. oh poor DD . she'll have to be in the public bathroom in there, up to her eyeballs in chitapalooza and no gloves .. oh my GAWD ........ how gross.
Yep that one too, .. I could've (and maybe should've) stood down . and sat there with a stupified look on my face, as she complains of no gloves . even
Good thing it was him there, not me .. I might've said it .. "Well isn't that what you've asked for? ..You've said it how many times, that you just wanna die . there ya go . that'll be the answer to your problem there".
Not kind .. good it wasn't me there.
I think she envisions CC as a whole lot more sinister, devious and plotting than is really the truth of the matter. CC is who she is .. in her demented state .. you cross her . she's gonna spout off . and let you have it . with both barrels . and in the case of the woman who took food off CC's plate . it got physical. Something MIL has never nor would she do, take food off anyone's plate. She's not that far gone, MIL isn't. But MIL somehow . who knows .. .maybe her drama queen sensibilities .. I dunno . envisions a sinister, plotting CC who would seek out to come find her and kill her. Not at all .. what the truth is. CC .. may spout off .. but that's it. You don't even cross her mind's eye outside of that. She's not one who will plot and plan how to get to MIL's new room and in cover of darkness and "kill" her, not even a remote chance of that. Cross her, .. yes, . you'll get her wrath .. but outside of that, CC doesn't likely give you one iota of even so much as a thought.
But to expect that MIL see it with the same reasoning .. is not possible either . be it her drama queen ways . or her own dementia ... and it's level on the spectrum . who knows.
MIL has a therapist btw, who has been by daily as they all grapple and give this all the attention in the world .. as to how to best get thru this trying time . been by daily to counsel with MIL, .. as has the Rec director who is carting her daily to the library to read to her ...
So much attention and fussing after one single old lady. It's so over the top.
Probably, at least in part, what keeps all this still simmering and brewing.
As to the drawstring pants . that was my sentiment also when I read that . and only responded "at a movie with L", .. and left it at that, and haven't responded since.
I mean back in June or whenever it was, that SIL put DD on this task . to get MIL new clothing .. it was specified at that time, they need to be elastic waist pants . she can't really do buttons/zippers anymore .. hand dexterity an issue . and so DD did that, . and got a slew of elastic waist pants ..
So now . here we are .. some 3 or 4 months later, and let's all change course now and get these drawstring pants . for a woman who complained just as recent as a week ago that she'd called for help unable to button her pj's and no one ever came.
Who does SIL think is gonna come tie her drawstring on her pants, and untie it for her to toilet.
And yes, as to the unclean hands .. and the whole dropping of the strings into the toilet. . not a good idea. And drawstrings now lost in the laundry .. just not a good idea at all.
And I had to snicker at the "you're not out" ..comment. Yea, .. that should've all been left alone .. and . these nimrods that all think isn't this so pleasant and so quaint to get poor poor MIL out for an outing .....
Yea .. wow . uh oh .. all we've got here is the wheelchair she uses here at Purgatory .. oh dam . the thing doesn't collapse . oh man . how am I gonna fit this into my auto .. oh man . this thing is H.E.A.V.Y. Man . wonder if they have a portable chair, let me go ask them .. no . they don't . oh dam .. guess it's this big behemoth chair it's gonna be . let me now figure out how to get that in the car .. crap.
Should've left that alone and just stood back . just as puzzled as every other nimrod in all this .. even though I know better .. and could've solved it .. go get a portable chair .. and so that's what I did.
But yea, might've been more entertaining to watch the numskulls with this now
Is there a naughty snicker emoji?
Just noticed the irony and am feeling a bit silly this fine morning;) Hopefully, it makes you laugh.
On a more serious note, I got in the habit of letting all of the “helpful” suggestions go in one ear and out of the other. Anything that really needed attention would come around again and again anyway.
There is always the possibility that lunch/dinner will go without a hitch. That will give DD and DH a false sense of security for outings, certainly.
And son-in-law may be facing a little more comment heat here than he deserves. He is doing what most young people who don’t have a clue about caregiving do... trying to make it more of an event. He was actually thoughtful for his category to anticipate that MIL would need help getting ready and that (in a normal person’s mind) it would be more special for grandmother and granddaughter.
I was at a party last night talking with a lovely woman who said her mother recently told her that she was just waiting for daughter to retire to daughter could “take care of her”. I tried, gently and without being a bossy boots, to say that might be a red flag and to be careful, especially since daughter wants to travel and do things with her beloved at said upcoming retirement time.
I could tell she couldn’t even hear me. She is worried, but she isn’t so far down the rabbit hole yet that her eyes have cleared, lol. And this is someone already making meals and handling forgotten taxes and helping with the house. All that work already and she still can’t see what is to come. I can’t imagine a 30-something-guy with a young family is going to be as knowledgable (and cynical;) as some of the rest of us.
Sending good thoughts for a special family time for all on this auspicious occasion...
I got MIL simple black elastic waist pants in better fabrics (not the usual polyester). So, in summer it was black linen and in winter it was a nicer blend.
Sadly, that is what immediately pops into my mind when someone says “drawstring pants for mom”. I am damaged. :)
before the cc statement came, but she somehow "forgot". This drew a bunch of hullabaloo . she did provide the cash to pay for same, but was told to dispose of cc info and don't do that anymore, ever, never.
So it's for this reason . I do remember, . stark like . that MIL just had new clothing purchased, I think it was back in June. Now .. I guess SIL .. not satisfied she is doing enough to keep her poor poor mom happy . has found . in talking with her mom's sister, the slacks that her mom's sister finds suitable and so now I'm guessing SIL wants to get her mom a slew of these slacks. Sends a text my way.
It aggravated me.
I had already gone and bought (using MIL's cc, after asking DH) a transport chair and dumped it off with DD to assemble.
I was at the movie with the 6 yo g'daughter and it just rubbed me raw, to have that text arrive. My thinking .. "this woman .. (MIL) .. this whole last week or so, and the whole saga with CC .. and it's fallout .. and all the drama has taken up so much energy and so much time . as DH has gone to hold her hand and soothe her thru it all, . and SIL . with her trying to work it from her end, talking to staff and advocating on her mom's behalf, . encouraging her mom . as did DH that she needs to move to another room and just so much energy and time and emotion this past week or so .. all culminating in DD visiting her granny while I had her twins . and coming up with the notion she's gonna get her out, for an outing . and all that .. the hoopla around it all, to transpire today .. just so much so so much. DH having gone by there to help his mom settle in and finding in her, that she thinks CC is going to come kill her, .. C'MON!!!!!!! And then .. to have that arrive on my phone via text, about new slacks. I just thought, my sentiment was one of .. "E-DAM-NUFF". GAWD .. you want your mom to have new slacks ... order em, why are you bothering me!"
How in the h377 does one individual take up so much time, energy, emotion for so many people.
I swear I could fall and break something and it would be .. "oh well, get up and walk on it", by all those in my orbit.
Geeze oh man!
I guess somewhat I am in a spot of transition to .. okay yes, that was horrible what all CC did .. and uncalled for, but so to be expected when you're talking about a bunch of elderly on the various scale as to dementia .. and so .. it's been dealt with, MIL now in a new room . and .. she's even had .. at SIL's direction from afar, . one on one with staff members coming to entertain her (MIL has) . as MIL doesn't want to do group activity . .and so . the Rec Director has come to get her daily and take her to the library to read to her ... so much that has been done . to try to right the course of all this .. and so I'm in a spot of .. okay . move on along folks, nothing more to see here.
Maybe I'm alone in this sea of folks that can't possibly do enough to try to "make her happy", an impossible feat.
He sends a text into the group text that exists (one he never responds into, .. initiated by his sister) .. his sister just imparting info along the way, group text. He sends a text: "Went by to help mom get settled and organized .. all went well, .. she's so worried, thinks CC is going to come kill her. I was like SERIOUSLY, REALLY?!?!?!? Time to get over all that now".
I didn't weigh in. Those are my sentiments exactly. Get over it now!
SIL: Yea she does seem really worried about it. I told her to just tell CC that the staff made her move to another room.
DH didn't respond any further, and is off and gone to his retreat, be back later today.
I'd gone out yesterday afternoon and used (with asking DH if it'd be okay, since he was going out of town and couldn't do it) MIL's cc .. and got a transport chair, took it to DD, who is good at assembly of such things. She was glad and said the following, which I didn't weigh in on either:
DD: "That's good, because I'd like to be able to get her out more, .. like if I can take her to the park and watch the kids play that'd be good".
I just shook my head in acknowledgement that I heard her, didn't weigh in. But my thoughts were, . "oy vey .. okay you go DD ... especially since the public parks, if they have bathrooms, most don't . because homeless would inhabit them .. there won't be any place for chitapalooza and clean up .. you go ...!!!".
Admirable that she wants to be a part of the salvation of the whole set up of poor poor granny's plight .. but .. me thinks she knows not what she's asking for. Some people have to find out the really hard way. She may be one of em.
Texted her last night, .. a note . "hey may wanna grab some rubber gloves too, in case of chitapalooza clean up".
Included in that text, because I'm the nuisance nancy of the bunch here, .. dialing down on every possible scenario.
So be sure and grab: Change of clothes, . Depends, Wipes, Chucks and rubber gloves.
No response.
We'll see how today goes.
I was at a movie with 6 yo g'daughter when a text came in to me, from SIL .. (what is it with this woman that she can't possibly do enough to make her mom happy .. has to think of 40 more things).
Not sure why she sent it to me, . it wouldn't be anything I'd be attending to, . and if she feels the need to do so, ... knock yo'self out.
SIL: "I was talking to C (her mom's sister, 94 yo) .. she wears these kinds of pants . .with drawstring .. and loves them . .she wears a size "X" .. wonder what mom would wear, .. I thought maybe they'd be good for her", sends along a hyperlink, I guess for me to view and discuss with her the merits of said pants and whether or not to pull a trigger for the purchase of same, not sure .. not anything in my forte.
I simply answered, "at a movie with L".
In other words, leave me alone.
Kinda bothersome to me, in the respect, we'd had this whole big dust up back .. I guess it was June .. not sure. MIL had lost so much weight . she needed new clothing . and so SIL got with DD and got DD on that chore, going to a dept store, ordering online, carting said clothing to MIL .. and some fit, some didn't and so DD having to cart back that which doesn't fit. I don't know, I'm guessing DD happy to do it, .. didn't hear.
But the big dust up occurred when it became evident DD had used that same cc (a no no, a big no no) to buy herself a top also .. and at a store that would draw scrutiny ... I mean an elderly woman buying clothes at "x" dept store, understandable, yes . and won't draw any looks. But this store, .. a known store for young folks, not so much something older folks would be shopping for .. it drew some attention.
Turned out DD had meant to mention, and provide reimbursement for same,
Gloves make all the difference in the world to me.
I have gloves in every pocket of every bathrobe and “around the house” cardigan that I own. And, I can count on finding at least one glove in the washing machine - that had been left - forgotten in a pair of jeans I had worn.
Heaven forbid I accidentally get poo on my hand. I practically scald and rub raw my skin from trying to clean the contaminated flesh!!!
Didnt think of that one.
And to answer as to why DH vetoed Brick as destination. Thats him. His little comfy box he stays cozy in, never to peer outside it at what might be other options.
Thats a gripe I have with him in all these 40 years married to him. If one can get him to go out (avowed homebody) to eat, you can count on one hand the places he's willing to go and generally speaking they're all in about a 3 mile radius here.
Shack is further than 3 miles but on his short list as to his comfy little box.
Brick is more than that 3 mile radius and NOT on his short list in his comfy little box.
Get over it. Dont go then.. it ain't about you DH!
He'll go .. but he had to voice a veto (one he is over ruled on) as it doesnt fit his comfy little box of the few (and it is only a few) that are his *go to* spots as to dinner out.
FIL is sitting in the car on the passenger seat with NO CHUCKS under him, DH thought it would offend him to do that. OMGosh…..then we take him home and refuses to shower or take off his completely messed pants. The chitapalooza had run down his legs into his shoes and he's telling me he's 'just fine'. DH just sat there, deer in the headlights--useless.
I never took him 'out' to eat again. If he was going to be offended by having a bowel accident and he refuses to wear adult underwear--he didn't get to eat out. He actually wore "thong" style underpants. I will never get that picture out of my mind.
By the time I'd figured out how to handle 'chitapalooza' incidents, he passed away. Good knowledge to store in my fevered brain.
And for those of you who voiced concern about me--thank you. I'm am one infusion away from being done with chemo--don't know about radiation, it's a maybe.
In my crushing desire to NOT be fussed or overly care for, I kind of screwed things up. My kids have no idea how sick I have been. I wear full makeup/wig around them, always, and don't talk about the cancer. My son just went through a huge crisis of faith and actually left our church--and as this is something so precious to me--him blurting out on Sunday that he and his family were 'opting out'---I lost my cookies. Just became hysterical, crying and couldn't stop. He's sent me one email about how I need to 'get over it' and APOLOGIZE to his wife--a lot more, but basically I got called on the carpet for discussing this with other family members. My heart is broken, but I will get over it, I guess. It was just so darn thoughtless.
2019 has not been a happy year for me. Not at all. I did learn who true friends are----and I have very, very few,
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Dorker--I hope that moving MIL makes her happier. But it's doubtful. Probably just a change of scenery and no change of 'happiness' factor.
My observation is he would do almost anything rather than mind the kids solo. But she knows him better than I do, maybe her observation is more on point.
Yes indeed as to the auto to be utilized. But of course I'm the nuisance nancy that fine tooth combs any/all eventualities to the point those around me would like to clobber me. The auto indeed.
DD wants to take charge here. Have at it, I say. She drives a mini van. I question whether MIL can climb up (otherwise, in a sedan she'd have to kind of fall down into) the car seat.
But of course I'm the nuisance nanny that ponders every single thing and maddening those around me and so I wont.
DD will go get her granny and mini van itll be (mine is an SUV, DH's a pickup... both of those, the seats would be higher).
As to wrangling twins in that setting...I think the point is MIL does enjoy them, thus they'll go along. I will take the lead wrangling them ... I usually do figuring the parents dont always have helping hands at the many meals partaken of with their kids daily. If & when they get too rambunctious and they do, too unruly and cranky/fussy, Im not above turning it over to their daddy "wont settle down...I think you need to take over" and at that, sit down myself and do whatever I wish.
Thats about how it all usually works.
Last time we were together with them for a meal out .. thats how it went. Culminating in the dad finally, at the end, taking them on out to their car seats as we waited for our bill and the doggie bags to take home leftovers.
In taking my mother anywhere, what car to transport her in was always a consideration. My SUV was too high. My husbands sedan was too low. It was like taking Goldilocks out for a frickin’ meal!
But, one way or another - if in fact this little excursion actually happens - and I’ll not be holding my breath - it will be a good test drive as to what might happen and how difficult it might be - to take MIL out to the beloved Shack.
I bet you will end up with MIL bathroom duty, Dorker.
What happens if there is sickness on Saturday? DD often has that happen. Will H and you still take MIL out? You will be sure to have bathroom duty, then, just like in the old days. Ugh.