I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
With seemingly no capacity to realize .. that isn't possible. None of the above.
Even if she had gazillions of dollars and we all did too, to afford her in home care, with round the clock help ... the above isn't possible to achieve.
I think I will keep that notion to myself and tucked away in my pocket, .. "she wants the perfect __________ and ________ and ________". Bring that out, when it's next mentioned how unhappy she is.
Not that it would then somehow shine a light of any epiphany with anyone involved in all this.
All has been quiet the last few days as to MIL. The quiet before the storm? Probably, always is.
Church lady let me know yesterday she'd been by to visit MIL, carted her outside, which MIL always seems to enjoy. Said some woman had come by, don't know who, another resident, a staff member (she didn't say) trying to encourage MIL to come join the 2 PM Bingo game. Said she too, chimed in, to encourage same, and MIL promised she'd give it a try. We all know that means little. She will say whatever you wanna hear, .. just to shut ya up, and we all know it. So be it.
Said her room mate seems nice, . she's quiet .. and for whatever ails the roomie .. she does seem to be someone who can hold a conversation.
I know that SIL was trying to dial down on, at the first of the week (but it does seem to be a real problem there at Purgatory .. I think they all get a memo that reminds them daily there "we don't return phone calls here, . don't bother calling family members back . it's not required). It's a real problem there to get return phone calls. Or maybe they all have notation by their phones .. "don't bother calling SIL back . she will bug the crap out of you daily . just don't bother".
Who knows. I know she was trying, the first of the week, to dial down on . and even put a bug in my ear, to have DH do so if he gets by there (he hasn't gotten by there), need to know is she still on the med for tremors .. her hands tremor so badly . and if not, why not. Does the med need adjusting.
Haven't heard if that got answered to, but I haven't asked.
SIL also reaching out to the SW there, first of the week, trying to dial down on getting an answer to, .. what happened to the roomie you guys were trying to get, the resident interested in moving .. said to be conversational and participatory and thought to be a good fit .. what happened there.
MO .. I kinda thought that one should be left alone .. as it might land in their perception under a category of "lady if you wanna run the show .. then come get your mom and YOU take care of her".
But not my biz .. I didn't weigh in. Don't know if that even got any answer. Didn't ask.
I know the other day .. I asked of DH . only from the point of clarifying what is already on our radar for each night of the week .. that was my objective .. to get some clarity on our schedule and things we are already spoken for .. and I named the nights, and asked if he was going to see his mom on "X" night because I know on Tuesday we have so and so and Wednesday we have such and such . so those nights are off the table, as to being able to go. To his answer of:
DH: "Don't pressure me, I feel like you're pushing me, as to when to go see my mom .. I'll go .. when I want to".
Uh .. oookay.
So not like he's taken the bull by the horns to run by and get answers to the above.
Not anything unusual though.
As to my dad, talked to him on the phone and he actually sounded better, a bit, which was encouraging. Said he'd been out and about with stepmom, running errands, her doing the leg work of course, him sitting in the car. But that is a vast improvement over weeks past, when he wouldn't of crossed the street even, unable to.
Goes to 3 week intervals now, chemo.
1. A foreigner
2. Not "white"
3. Gets to go to the PT room daily and I don't
It's coming.
Lizzy, Lord yes. I remember when I used to take MIL for the oh so slow . long drawn out .. trips to the grocery (what would've taken me about 10 mins . took her 2 hours) ... and you are always gonna see someone . overweight . maybe a cart load of cookies and ice cream . happens. And she'd make a comment .. "that woman needs all those sweets like a hole in her head ... that's how they got that fat .. eating all that junk .. shoot me in the head if I ever get that fat . just shoot me".
I'd want to climb under one of the displays for fear her remarks would be heard, not only by the plump woman pushing the grocery cart full of sweets/treats but by ANYONE. SO NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT ..................... keep your opinions to yourself!
Yes, the filter, it slowly goes away. I remember a time at a doc office, in the waiting room and two guys there (who knows if they are friends outside that setting . who knows . none of our biz) . in a spirited political discussion the two fo them .. and I was always taught (her too in all likelihood, there are two things not openly discussed publicly . religion and politics)... and these two debating the merits of our leadership in the presidency and/or lack thereof ..
And MIL chimes in to the discussion.
They were talking among themselves . not inviting others to chime in ..
And MIL weighed in . with a voice of dissent .. as to what was being discussed. You could have hard a pin drop at the deafening silence .. the two men stopped talking . looked at her with a look of 'who asked ya you old hag" . and went back to talking among themselves without even so much as any acknowledgement that she'd weighed in with any point.
To her then turning to me: "I guess they didn't wanna hear what I had to say".
I didn't even wanna be in that room, on that street, in the same city, I was so mortified.
Just shut up! Just s-h-u-t UP!
My parents raised us much like your MIL appeared when she was younger. All humans were to be treated with dignity and respect. Our home was open to kids and adults of all races. My parents had friends of all races. My Dad did a lot of work with underprivileged kids thru sports.
I always thought my parents were very progressive. Until at 40 my sister started dating a very nice, educated, successful man outside our race. You would have thought she was dating an Ax Murderer! Both Mom, Dad and Stepdad almost went over the edge. I expected that from Stepdad but not my Mom and Dad.
Yes, the words did come out of my mouth “who are you people”, “I can’t believe your behavior”, “you did not raise us this way”.
Anyway, they behaved like such hypocrites. Eventually everything settled down but geez, who were these people?
Dementia Mom lost her filters. There were fat comments among others. She did mention race to me when talking about NH workers and I was so afraid she would go on a rant and say god only knows what about anybody to their face at any given time. As far as I know she did not. She reserved the bigoted comments for conversations she had with me.
Dorker,
I read along almost everyday. You are doing so good. You got this girl!
What a dreadful dream DH had. Poor guy.
Yes, I guess the prior damaged might have a harder struggle. I am raising my hand here.
So she has two strikes against her in MIL's book, ..
1) A foreigner, with that some accent
2) Not "white"
Let the complaints commence. I'm sure they will.
My mother one time made an unflattering comment about the "colored" workers (CNAs) to the Jamaican LPN at the NH (who was very sweet). I cringed, but the nurse didn't appear to hear. In my mother's case, she always was bigoted, so no surprises there.
That's it .. a light bulb turned on!
Everyone else still sees the person with the halo over their head .. and I'm over here on an island of .. "Who the h377 is this monster that duped me .. that I sacrificed so much for?".
That's it! Hallelujah chorus playing in the b'ground as the light shines glaringly bright.
I hadn't thought about in that context. There was a time her brain functioned to an extent that she did the "work" to go against the grain of her generation . and all that they bespoke of people that were "different". She was able to decide for herself in those days .. doing the work .. that's wrong and I'm not gonna go along with it, and didn't.
Hadn't thought of it that way, but that's really pretty clearly defining how that difference can manifest and present itself.
That particular aspect of this whole saga was making me pretty angry with her . and more so even with those in her circumference, who almost make excuses for her .. and her "I just can't get used to all the blacks".
Maybe it does revert back to an earlier time .. when she was growing up . and she certainly came from that mindset ... her generation and her parents generation .. blacks were to use the back door . and sit in the back of the bus . .and so forth .. that's definitely part of of her world growing up and in her younger years ..
Once again, that island that I live on .. (sans SIL who sees it all for what it is) .. that island where I'm over here seeing the reality of what is needed in her case .. a setting of 24/7 care .. and her son sees just the sadness of it all ... that he "wishes" that she didn't have to be in that setting .. and longs for .. her to be able to be in her own home .. and stays in that place .. that space. The island I live on .. in seeing that as NOT an option .. in any sense. That same island . now encompasses that I see or did before someone turned on a light switch here, to a clearer view of where/how/why ... I see .. what in the name of GOD . this woman that I so sacrificed for, to help her .. turns out she's a dam bigot .. I would have n.e.v.e.r. given her the time of day had I known that about her.
But she wasn't .. she was able to do the work, and make her brain realize that's wrong . and not accept status quo of her generation. Now, she's not able to do that, and so the deeply ingrained .. "others" .. that was there in her youth .. "others are different and we don't like them" ... that surfaces.
I get it now.
So to others, it appears as though you feel the same way or think the same thing or have the same weird ideas. Which is embarrassing in a civil society. And which is why we develop thick skin when we care for the unfiltered, lol.
Dorker, my ILs were very progressive in their views of minorities... for their time. So I can really relate to how you feel and the spot you are in.
And I think that is often where this comes into play when their filter goes. The side that monitors thoughtfulness, empathy, etc goes early on. That part of them that was developed regresses (as with so many things in dementia). Your MIL *for her time* was very accepting. But, she was still surrounded by it growing up... the attitude was pervasive. So in her regression, all of the inner work she did (consciously or unconsciously) to develop that care for “the other” has been destroyed/compromised. In many ways, what she has left is what she heard as a child.
The wires are sporadically connecting, so the light is flickering. The further down the path she goes, the more the connection breaks.
It is funny to me how many of our elders - across the country - use the same terminology/delusional scenarios as the brain gets more compromised. “they are outside the room cackling or having a party” “this outfit is dishonest” etc. I wish I could think of more. I hear them all the time on this board.
Their fears pop up... fear of theft, fear of looking stupid, fear of being laughed at. Insecurity is not a left-brain function. Sometimes it seems that as the left-brain deteriorates, the right goes into a manic state. Fear of “the other” is very deep-rooted.
Barb hit it in the head with her comment on the lizard brain. Very astute.
My point is that, annoying as it is - and it is weirdly annoying even when you know the brain is compromised - I would guess that your MIL wasn’t really presenting a false front for all of those years. She had to work to be someone different from the status quo back then. And she did. Unfortunately, the layers created from that conscious work have been worn off by the brain damage. Kind of like a house that hasn’t been painted and the winds have worn parts of it off. I don’t know if looking at it like that helps or not. It helped us some.
We also explained who they used to be to people they would insult. Most of the time it helped. Sometimes even just knowing that gave the CNAs (or other targets) a different perspective on them and it helped the relationship. We couldn’t do it all of the time, obviously.
But, annoying... oh yes. You haven’t gotten to the point where she is obviously off all keel yet, so the time you are in is crazy-making. It’s almost as though you have been lied to about who this person is inside, this person that you have sacrificed heavily for. This person you have become damaged for;)
It is like being duped. Or, everyone else still sees the person they used to be, and you see the ugly and it’s pretty unfair because you can’t vent or get the support you need from others because they have a halo’d impression of the elder.
I hate to say it, but this angst you are feeling toward her will (probably) dissipate some as she goes further down the rabbit hole. So, there is hope in a weird, twisty way.
From my experience, the bitterness is normal... kind of like a stage of grieving. Something you will pass through. It just feels crappy because you feel like a bad person. But you aren’t:)
There is hope, I think. The day after we started on the whole damaged thing, I had a thought that caregiving is like body building. It breaks us down, but in the breaking down, we get stronger in many ways (if it doesn’t kill us first, which is a threat. So important for those in the thick of it realize that and protect themselves however possible.)
I have to think of it that way. Because if I don’t, I get resentful of the time spent and the damage done. So many things in life affect us permanently, I suppose. I am trying to at least balance the negative permanents with some positive ones.
And Lizzy, I was *happy* to read you came out on the other side, didn’t think anything bad. Honestly, if you have a ratio of more moments where you feel like you are doing pretty well than the “moments of the dream”, I think you are doing well and I am happy for you:)
And Rain, maybe that is the secret... it’s all in the ratios. We will keep moving til the ratios flip.
PSA over... Back to Dorker...
They sat at the table directly behind DH and myself, in MIL's line of sight .. mine and DH's back turned to where they were sitting.
MIL ... I guess ... all shot in the foot with the whole thing .. questioning . how old are they .. wonder how old are they, how long have they been married do you suppose .. I wonder how old they are .. "DH ask them how old they are ... , ask them how long they've been married".
Which DH refused to do .. and answered to his mother, "NO ... I am not going to turn around and make it a point to ask someone how old they are, . no . mother .. leave them alone ... eat your dinner ... no .. no I'm not going to ask them how long they've been married, for all you know the two are neighbors . or maybe brother and sister and it's none of our dam biz . no".
Or I think about the baby shower for DD for what would be the first g'child born to us .. and MIL there in attendance, that would've been a bit over six years ago (so this lack of filter has been present for quite a while) . .and her there in attendance, and really just a distraction to the goings on .. and games being played and so forth . as she took the opportunity . lonely that she was . she who wouldn't engage with peers "those are all old people, I don't want to go do that, those are all old people" .. and her chatting up anyone in her vicinity and distracting them from the presents being opened, the games being played, etc .. a distraction ..
She wasn't invited when there was next a baby shower, for what would be the twins birth. Purposely excluded, for that reason. She needed a minder even then, the six plus years ago .. I had to go get her, . she couldn't of found her way there .. (only because she was too old and addled even at that point, not because this was some obscure location hard to find). She couldn't even then . amble about thru the food line .. to get her own plate and go sit down . I had to make her plate and bring it to her, . where she proudly and loudly announced, .. I'd slighted her and not given her enough on her plate of some particular item that was on the buffet .. and questioned why I slighted her.
Lack of filter .. it's been there for a long while. But the whole racism piece of it, that's new .. relatively .. I have never known her to be so bigoted, and it's deeply disturbing to me.
I know I can't change it and I don't even try .. but I do find it despicable.
Yes, disturbing to him .. deeply troubling to him . that he'd have such a horrible dream. Damaged? I'd say so.
I don't know whether to be somewhat "proud" of him .. or to find it despicable, I guess I'm just ambivalent .. when he said this, .. "every day that goes by, it's one more brick on the wall, being built to my interest in her home .. I just don't give a chit anymore, about going out there to fix it, check on it, .. been weeks since I've been there" I felt a bit of "ahh .. relief" .. as that home has been a source of much discontent, . him having to go do "fixit" projects thru the years, her there in the home, but more so .. in recent months, her no longer living there, yet he still has to go and maintain . and make sure all is in working order, in a home that she will never again inhabit . .and the sadness it's brought to him, to even walk into the home. I did feel a sense of relief, . in that .. he's maybe coming to . not there yet .. but coming to some realization in himself, said the words himself, "it's not her home, she doesn't live there anymore". Instead of what I've heard far too often, .. "She should be right there, . it makes me sad to go there, that home is all her, . it's all about her, .. and she's not there, and that's where she should be, that's where she wants to be". Didn't hear that one .. felt almost a sense of relief.
But this whole loss of filter and it's rearing it's head as to the racism . this is a person who was loud and proud about her former years and her efforts where she marched for civil rights, invited African Americans to her table, in spite of the fact those of her generation looked upon that as appalling. What was all that? If that's not her, and not what she truly believes, .. then what was all that about? Was she posturing? Was she trying to "fit in" with the younger sect .. a generation or so behind her, who found racism appalling? I don't get it. She has told the story so many times, I almost feel like I was there .. of how .. her parents had a black gentleman . handyman .. they had on call kinda, a fixit fellow . and he'd come .. I don't care if it was pulling weeds, or re-wiring an electrical system for the house. A poor black fellow, .. and one day . they were all fixing to sit down to dinner, (at her parent's house) .. time to set the table, .. and I guess her daughter (one and only SIL, would've been a mere child) this would've been the 60's .. and .... I guess the daughter set enough plates for "all" of them ... everyone present. This .. she was chided for, .. "No Johnny doesn't eat at the table with us, we serve his plate on the back porch". MIL .. . not having it .... there was a bit of a dust up when she insisted, to her own parents . in their home .. "he either eats at the table with us .. or we eat out on the porch with him .. I'm not gonna be a party to that", and it was a bit of a hullabaloo there with her parents, and she.
Yet now, if you hear talk of . the hubbub of .. "oh I just can't used to all these black people". And you come at it from a "I never knew her to be so bigoted what is all this about?". You hear, .. "Oh I think it's living in such close proximity to it all .. it's their culture".
Almost "excuse" making. Still, not acceptable to me, and makes my blood boil. I never knew her to be that way .. never.
Oh but that loss of filter, so very evident all thru recent years. I think about, .. oh it's been several years .. we'd gone to lunch .. DH and myself and she .. at none other than The Shack .. and in walks this decrepit slumped over, barely making it, man and woman . both of them. So much
I don’t know if it’s evil of me or not - to have found a bit of comfort in your post. You’re at 4 years since your mother passed - I’m at 3 years and two months...
I realized I was damaged a looooong time ago. Hell, I went into the whole caregiving nightmare damaged! But soon after my mom passed I outlined my “Get the Eff Over It, Already” recovery plan and I’m sorry to have to admit - I am way behind schedule!
Hang in there, girl! Where there is hope - there is...ummm... hope?
Thank you so much for posting about which part of the brain is damaged. So, so helpful! That explains to us to some degree some things we have witnessed.
While I am here let me confess. The last time I passed thru I typed a long post stating that “ I would like to think I wasn’t permanently damaged from my Caregiving experience” or some other similar comment.
I was confident in my belief, honest I was. I was really seeing improvement.
Pfffffft. Last week I had the only dream I have ever had of my Mom. Ever!
She called me to tell me she was getting in her car going to a big city 2 hours to the north. This was Dementia Mom calling me.
I got in my car to rush and try to catch her before she got too far down the road.
I was on the road about an hour North and I got a call from her that she was lost and about 30 minutes South of where we started in a one stop light town.
That’s when I woke up in a cold sweat and frantic.
I knew I had a lot of unclaimed baggage as far as my Mom is concerned but I am afraid it’s more than that. Yep. I am DAMAGED!
I want to apologize if I mislead anyone, tooting my horn that I thought I was almost healed. Not.
In about a week will be the 4th anniversary of Mom’s death and I’ve taken a big step backwards. Karma is a witch.
Our "lizard brain", the part that is original and not mediated by the prefrontal cortex, which is a later developing part, is "programmed" for lack of a better word to fear "the other". So folks who have damage in their prefrontal cortex will lack filters and revert to the tribalism of long ago. Folks with damage in other areas will have differing disabilities as to their brain function.
Dementia is certainly NOT a one size fits all disease.
My son looked at me, fake innocent, and asked "how many days of ipad time will she be fined?" (that was his punishment for swearing as a little tot - loss of ipad time. I had to leave and stand outside the church and laugh.
The old lady has since been back and states opinions loudly, including telling our priest that he "should wrap it up - his homily has gone on too damn long already" at which point - he agreed and wrapped it up.
Good for some laughs but also empathy - because some day we will be 1) the older child taking a senile parent to church or other public place and handling their behavior and 2) the parent with dementia and no filter
take care
My MIL is a HUGE bigot/queen. She lives in a very posh area of our city, yet to her, b/c her home is smaller than some of the mansions in the neighborhood, has ALWAYS referred to her neighborhood as a ghetto. (To tell the truth, we really do NOT even have anything resembling a 'ghetto' here.)
It's incredibly offensive to the neighbors and to the members of her church there. 65 years in the same home (which is lovely and impeccable and worth $670,000) and she still complains about her ex and how stingy he was and how all he could afford for the family was this 'dump' that she worked her fingers to the bone to make presentable. You cannot tell her otherwise. She also needs in- home help and I guess that's not working well, b/c she will not allow people of color into her home--which in this climate, is going to be hard to find.
My own mother said to me, about a year ago "So, is that friend of yours, David..is he still gay? Sure glad we don't have to mess with that awful stuff in our family".
I was FUMING. Yes, mother, David is STILL gay, he's 63 years old, been out of the closet for 50 years and has been with his wonderful husband for 45 years." I could have, but did not, bring up the fact that BOTH of my sister's boys are gay.
It's so hard to talk to either of these women. Their ability to know when to just SHUT UP has long gone. My mother will proudly announce that she stayed at BINGO even though the 'caller' was OBVIOUSLY bi-racial.
We're not going to change them. The ways they were raised are simply coming to surface. Mother looks at overweight women with absolute disgust. And she'll corner some poor heavyset soul with this tidbit "You know, honey, men like their women to be slim. You need to work on that". Meanwhile, whoever drew the short straw and is driving mom that day is crawling on the floor in humiliation.
Not much to do about it. Really. I think most people do give the elderly a 'pass' when it comes to inappropriate 'labeling'. My MIL has commented on my weight about every single time she's seen me since 1974. She now outweighs me by about 20 lbs and a mean person would comment on it. I don't. What's the point? If her view of someone who is 'worthy' of her attention is based on skin color and weight..then I'm not interested in being 'friends' with said person.
Up through my high school years my mom was what I would consider a moderate bigot. My mom would not rant or start conversation that were racist in nature BUT she was of the ilk (Dorkerism) to tell me as a child - to lock my car door if we needed to drive through “that neighborhood”. As well, she would talk about selling the house and moving as “that neighborhood” grew closer to her neighborhood.
However, by the time my mother passed away she had evolved into a more accepting and inclusive individual. Mom adored her last two hairdressers - cut her hair for 30 years combined - who were both openly gay men. She also loved her massage therapist- an African American. And - I never once heard her utter a single derogatory word about the many individuals of color who worked - and took excellent care of her - while she lived in a nursing home.
If you had told me back when I was a senior in high school - and had brought my new boyfriend home to met my parents - a devastatingly handsome young man who was Hispanic and Native American - that my mother would become beyond “tolerant” and was actually completely accepting - I would have never believed it. Not in a million years.
But she did. And, in that one
particular area of personal growth - I can say I was proud of her.
So, no - I don’t think it’s really an age thing. Not unless my mom was an exception. And, I doubt that.
In my mom's case - the nice older Mexican gentleman will help her carry her groceries up to the 2nd floor (no elevator) but she will still complain about him and wonder when ICE will get him. It is horrible to deal with and my calling her on it and telling her it is unacceptable just gets me a tirade back - how I "don't know how they are". Sheesh -
Dorker, your thread now has over 9500 posts. I propose we have a cyberparty when it reaches 10,000 posts!
From all the many stories this one - for me, at least - is the one that perfectly and so succinctly encapsulates who MIL is and just what her relationship with her children is all about.
Its something to ponder, I think - just what the one story would be - about any one of us - as told by the people who know and love us the most... Just what would be the one story that a loved one would tell - if they had to choose just one... what would be the story that identifies any one of us the most?
Something worth pondering, I think - when one has finished up with the chore of examining ones own bellybutton lint.
Wow.
No wonder she thinks she's still the queen.
So the 60th ........... for me personally ........... it's hitting me harder than has any other milestone along the way . and it's not because of the vanity of it all, not for me . and I can't quite peg what it is . other than the mortality of life . for one thing . but also the frailty of life . as seen in the elders in our lives .. the tiredness of life .. that one I feel .. as I age .. that one I do feel .. keenly aware of it .. I get tired more easily these days .. and I the realization . that ain't gonna get better .. you're not 30 anymore .. can't hang with the big dogs like ya used ta.
Ahh but I'm not one that gets fussed over, and to be quite honest I'm not at all sure I'd like it to be the center of attention and fussing over. Nothing I'm used to anyway.
So . DH turning and asking .. "and what does my bride want as to her bday?".
I don't know. That's the honest answer. Don't know. Not one for jewels and so forth . don't care. Certainly not one to now go hunt down a face lift or braces as MIL did in her 60's .. I'm just not that vain .. (as I said of me, .. there are some that might look askance at me and ask where I was in the line when I was being created .. and should've been getting my dose of vanity .. obviously missed standing in that line).
But .. in the end .. I guess MIL wants to go to The Shack by dam . and so DH is gonna make it happen (that false sense of security). Will be interesting . as SIL is moving heaven and earth on her end, to try to be here for her mom's 90th bday upcoming . and she too aware that MIL has put that on her wish list but thinks it's a bad bad idea, for all the reasons I've cited, . she too sees those pitfalls . and she too thinks it's a really bad idea.
So who will win? DH .. and his "I'm gonna make it happen"
Or SIL with: "No that's not a good idea, not doing it".
And .. where will Dorker fall in all this. Likely the black sheep of the family that suddenly comes down with a faked stomach bug and cannot possibly go .. (and seen right thru as to my motivations . as I've said it now . about a hundred times, count me out . not going).
we (collectively) were all paying the quarterly premium for the dad's life insurance .. so he'd have any at all, .. because he and his impairment as he aged, .. didn't quite understand .. that the "term life" policy he'd bought in his youth . ran it's course and non renewed . and so here was in his 60's with no life insurance at all, with a history of heart disease, and HBP . and so it was costly to now take out life insurance, and they had no resources to pay for that . and so we (collectively) .. all of us, were paying that. But she had to have a brand new foreign car, . and that one .. estranged brother had a problem with .. "I guess they can go sit in the soup line in her nice foreign car" he said of it at the time.
This a person who, if you get on the topic with these folks, about her denial of aging . and how pervasive an issue it is .. in her existence, and always has been . they talk of the time she was turning 40 and it was so so so hard for her .. and such a milestone somehow to her, . and a troubling one . that the dad went out and bought a "classic" .. sports car (older model . a classic, restored one) .. so she could .. I guess have her midlife crises car.
Yes, she's always been fussed over, ..
They all created this . thru all the years.
I always used to ponder before I knew better .. she was always an avid reader, .. always thru all the years I knew her, .. would go thru books like water. Her free time was always spent on the beach . book in hand .. she'd go walk the beach . and then sit on the shoreline and read book after book after book.
I didn't know it at the time, only found out years later .. her husband was the one who paid the bills, did the household budgeting, etc .. and she wasn't ever tasked with that (unlike my world, it's always been me that does it). She had to "learn" that whole thing, managing a checkbook, paying bills, after his demise. And it was a "RUDE" awakening for her. A very rude awakening. Took a huge adjustment.
I remember being annoyed by all that at the time. Well no dam wonder she could sit on the beach all the time and tan . and read book after book after book . (usually from the library not purchased) . she had all the time in the world, .. her free time was her's to do as she dam well pleased all these years.
Yes, she's very much someone who was fussed over.
And on another note, it begins to heat up a little . as to the SHACK .. as destination for 90th bday upcoming in November. Just as someone mentioned here, the false sense of security brought about in that outing the other day.
DH .. just in conversation this morning, son in law here .. before they left for work, just conversing .. and son in law is the one who drove MIL . and family in his car . and so he would know . he was the one that had her in the car, . and he'd voiced some thankfulness that it all went okay . that he had it in his mind there'd be tears upon the return to Purgatory . but there weren't . as he put it, "She handled it all better than I thought she would . I figured we'd have some drama when she has to return to Purgatory . was ready for it . but she didn't . she handled it like a trooper . I guess she knew what she had to do and she handled it".
DH: "Yea . that all went so well, . she wants to go to SHACK for her 90th bday and I'm gonna make that happen".
Me: Won't be going . enormous mistake".
DH: "and what is it my bride wants (my bday comes before her's is coming up in a week or so) .. where do you wanna go for your bday dinner out".
I didn't answer, as I don't know . don't really care .. it's my 60th . and as to my own mentality on it all, this one is hitting me harder than any others have .. not because of the vanity of .. oh wrinkles and gray hair .. I'm not vain like that .. probably could do with more vanity than I possess as a matter of fact, . gray hair and wrinkles .. to me . meh .. who cares .. I earned every one of em ..
with a very difficult job they are tasked with .. and they do a good job for the most part, . most of them .. and I don't know, I don't get it at all with this bigotry from your mom .. I can't even hear this without my blood boiling . that's not at all how she defined herself all the years I've known her . if that topic came up she was always one quick to let it be known that she was not of her generation and .. bigoted . inviting young black college kids to her table for dinner, ... marching with Civil Rights Activists .. that's all I ever knew of her, .. and now she wants to "have a problem that they're all black" .. I just . it angers me with her, I don't wanna hear it".
SIL: "I think it's not so much that, it's just their culture . for her".
Me: "what does she know about their CULTURE .. she doesn't know these people . they are there to wipe her azz . and get her a cup of water .. and/or help her to change clothes .. or toilet .. .she doesn't KNOW these people .. and their *culture* ... wtf?".
I shut it down, . I can't talk about this with any sense of a reasonable basis .. I just can't, don't wanna hear it.
I didn't say it, but my thoughts were along the line of .. I don't know if she thinks she's some kinda princess that should have ladies in waiting that are all homogeneous and all WASP ... I don't know what world she's been living in . but that world does not exist and hasn't .. oh probably for a few hundred years .. if even then .. well before her time for sure.
It makes my blood boil ... like no other topic in all this, really does.
These are, for the most part, .. caring/kind professional people ... per my observation anyway. As SIL put it, . "yea but that room where she was before, it was closer to the nurse desk . and some of them would stand outside her room congregated . and they'd all cackle and laugh and carry on . and she had a problem with that".
ME: "Why because they're black .. .??... white people can do that, not black people"
SIL: No . no .. I think it's just that they would be so loud and all of them cackling on . and carrying on . with no regard at all for how loud they were being . and maybe it was disturbing to her".
Me: Whatever SIL . she didn't wanna be in IL . stating "these midwesterners aren't my kinda people" .. I don't know what world she lives in .. what existence, . where does she live that it's all so pristine . that other *cultures* aren't an impact on our daily life, whatever, I can't hear this anymore, .. I can't talk about this . it angers me".
And that's where that got left. Done with it. Incenses me beyond all reason to hear it. REALLY!
She doesn't deal well with *foreigners* as she has a struggle understaning them .. (I too struggle with that, .. and I'm not 90 yo .. I have a hard time, I don't know why . but when talking to anyone with a foreign dialect .. I do struggle with understanding what's being said, and find myself having to ask the person to repeat what they said, probably annoyingly so). She doesn't deal with *foreigners*, midwesterners are a problem . now "black people" are a problem. Just what the h377?
And in answer to another point .. yes I do think she was someone fussed over all her life. Look no further than the story told about 3000 pages back .. where it was talked about in their youth . they'd go camping .. and set up a tent only for her to decide that wasn't suitable and now they'd all have to move the camp . take up stakes on the tent and move again.
I'd of been told, "go sleep in the car then, we already set it up . not moving it".
Look no further than her taking out (granted . .. a smarter way to do it) a zero interest cc to pay for a face lift ... (these are folks that didn't have the resources for her to be having a dam face lift, but okay). Look no further than the foreign car she had to have .. at a time when we were
This isn't summer camp, where they try to pair buddies with one another.
Sure it'd be helpful if they would take that extra mile of a step .. to try to be accommodating as to compatibility and such. But .. doubtful that really happens in the real world.
I think as someone pointed out here, it's likely going to cause some upheaval to come .. when temporary resident .. voices what will be normal conversation from a temporary resident, "can't wait to blow this Popsicle stand and get home to my precious little doggie, did I tell you about my precious little doggie, let me show you a picture".
It's coming. Count on it.
But ... would there be no complaints ... in some other setting of a roomie. Very very doubtful.
Honestly, I can't think of a single thing . that would be "suitable" in MIL's eyes as to a roomie. So they find someone more social and someone that goes out and participates in activities ... sounds great. What would be the impact on MIL of that sorta person? That's what she had in CC, who did do that, gone every day, all day .. without fail, .. and MIL .. room to herself .. since she isn't one who cares to go to group settings. So . how would that change anything .. she had that already. Did enjoy it in fact, and was a factor in her hesitancy to move from rooming with CC.
I'm glad I don't have to be the one to sort thru these kinds of things .. and it doesn't sound like the put a whole bunch of energy into there either, at Purgatory, and understandably so.
What none of us want to see happen however, is that they room her with someone dreadfully ill, whining and moaning, crying out all the time . and someone who is absolutely miserable and never leaves the room. (Maybe that's what they should do, to push her out of the room and into engaging more, who knows).
Interesting that SIL had asked of her cousin who blew thru town and stopped in for a quick visit with MIL .. and MIL didn't remember who she was. SIL had asked of that cousin to give her a "read" on what she thinks of the place (her cousin has a dad nearby where she lives in TN, . in a private pay ALF). The cousin reported in, that it seemed like a good place, clean, safe .. about typical of what would be seen in a SNF .. and that she hates it for MIL .. that her life has become about needing to be in that setting, but pretty evident that is indeed what's needed.
More disturbing to me, personally and a beef that MIL has that I'm aware of, but one that cropped up in .. I guess .. the visit with cousin ... is that MIL .. gave voice to, "I just have a problem that they are all black". WTF?
I'm sorry. But wtf?!?!?!
I've never known her to be a bigot/racist and said so .. about that remark made .. anytime it comes up. This is a woman who worked as a sec'ty to the Dean of Women at a college, eons back in the times when segregation was all the hot topic and invited young black college kids to her home for dinner, . this is a woman who marched . for civil rights. And she's "I just have a problem with all these black people". W-T-Living-F?
Doesn't sit well with me. And I've said so.
I guess MIL voiced that to the cousin who then imparted that to SIL . and cousin's words, "I think that's what you're going to find in CNA staff . most anywhere, either foreigners or blacks .. they didn't seem to me to be any problem but I was only there for an hour or so".
My take on that, when it was brought up by SIL yesterday, "I can't even hear this SIL . it angers me .. I mean my observation there, . yes there are some who act ghetto . yes . I've seen it, but you'd see the same thing in any populace .. color irregardless ... it happens . but for the most part, these are hard working people who are .. kind and caring and doing the best they can with a very difficult job they
She's getting therapy every day, the recreation director is taking her out every day to read to her...that's a lot of services for MIL.
Perhaps there is more diligent roommate-matching for the private-pay patients...
Dorker, sounds like you’ve exhausted yourself remind H of missed opportunities to spend time with his mom at home, taking care of her. Sounds like maybe now he regrets not listening to you.
It sounds like SIL has made a nuisance of herself if the staff is wanting to take the day off when she’s there! I’m sure that employee was probably joking....half joking.....but the message is strong there. She’s been a bee in their bonnet! Wonder if she’s calling and fussing more than she lets on?
on the temporary roommate front, on the bright side, at least if MIL gets a roommate she crashes with, or who is like CC and goes to sleep with the TV blaring, it will only be temporary. She won’t have to put up with them for very long. I think if it were my mother or grandmother, I would rather they have a long term roommate because I would want her to bond with the roommate and become friends.