I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
To my reminding him "I did help DH .. for 15 effing years I've helped .. It's not like I always refused to get my hands dirty in all this .. I HAVE HELPED FOR A LONG LONG TIME".
To his (oh he was livid with me) .. "yea but when the going gets tough . you bail out".
So much anguish over a situation that was never mine to own to begin with. I simply made the mistake (and yes in hindsight it was a mistake, I wouldn't make again) of engaging . and being helpful . thinking that my voice in that participation carried any weight. It didn't.
I could've told him when he touted that whole "we have a team now" . "yea you're team . DD who has 3 small kids, .. she ain't gonna be all that available to all this . and the neighbors . yea good luck with that, . them turning on a dime to run the dog to the vet, and go get special foods and treats for him . and go get her special dietary stuff .. she won't even eat . when she has yet another bout of chitapalooza . and cleaning that up . and hauling her to docs .. and . yea that's gonna work out real well DH".
I didn't say it, just let it play out, and it did play out about as I describe . that supposed "team" was nowhere to be found when chit hit the fan as it did routinely in those days.
As to wanting to hit SIL with a baseball bat .. yes, there were plenty of times I'd of liked to have choked her til she had no choice but to "LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU".
I remember distinctly the last time we housed MIL here, to shelter from a storm .. the last of 3 x's through the last several years.
Part of all this, .. is my admitted inability to live like a pioneer .. and without life's accouterments .. admittedly so. I don't do well, .. no a/c .. no running lights, power cords outstretched in every direction from a generator running outside, that sounds about like sitting next to an airplane engine running .. and having to shout to be heard over it .. and the use of flashlights to be able to see .. and all that comes with the aftermath of a storm . and sheltering a frail old lady that can't ambulate well, and her dog .. and all the need on that front. No, I don't cope well with that setting.
But couple that setting with a SIL from afar, .. sending directives like in a frenzy spinning out of control from 1k miles away.
Her harping from 1k miles away ....
"Wonder if you could get the dog to sleep with you guys instead of her, ... I worry he'll wake her up to go out in the middle of the night like he does . and it's dark . and she can't hold the walker, the flashlight and hold onto the dog . she'll fall .. maybe if he'll sleep with you guys . then you can take him out, do you think you could get him to do that".
"You guys need to get out to her house and clean up yard debris . that'll drive her crazy . when she gets taken back home . you know how she is . she sits at that kitchen window with nothing to do but stare out at her b'yard that likely is a foot deep in scattered debris from the storm, . do you think you guys can head out there and get that done before you take her home".
"Some of you need to maybe go out there to her house and clean out her fridge of things that are perishables . she'll eat em . she won't take into account the stuff sat there for days with no power .. need to make sure and get that done before you guys take her back there".
"Does she need anything else from her house, .. does she have enough change of clothes, or whatever .. does she need some of you to run out to her house to get her more of her things".
"Can one of you run by that doc's office, to see if they're even open . she's been supposed to get a chest xray .. and cancelled the appt two times already . .for that nasty cough that no one can explain .. but she's cancelled it twice, too sick to go .. I keep trying to call them, .. she's supposed to be seen there tomorrow . but they aren't answering their phones . I don't know . maybe they aren't open .. storm damage or
I think SIL is of the ilk, (and maybe there's some merit, to an extent, to that thinking) that one can "age in place" if that's their choice vs going into placement. Just enough gadgets, and whirligigs .. and it all runs like a well oiled machine (barring the person the gadgets and whirligigs are intended for, has complete grasp of their mind and faculties to do so).
I remember wondering in those days .. "at some point, don't all the whirligigs and gadgets prove pretty useless, ...???.... she doesn't make use of it all, can't remember, .. falls too frequently, gets sick as a result of fallout from not being able to adequately care for herself, can't care for her dog anymore, .. all these whirligigs .. maybe .. in some instances . .have indeed prolonged her ability to stay here in her home . but I think that ship has sailed ... ".
All the while, ... front and center to all this .. SIL 1k miles away and directing traffic here, . her brother (DH) .. disengaged, sans the toilet that own't stop running or sprinkler head gone awry. Me, very much engaged, . and taking direction from afar, .. .a lot of it more whirligigs . more visits to docs ... to caution her the same things heard time and time again (you have to take your Lasix .. or you will end up with edema .. and result of cellulitis . and antibiotics .. or you have to wear support hose), all for nothing . .didn't change anything .. and MIL routinely getting sick along the way with frequency ... falling .. failing to eat, . hydrate, . follow directions as to meds .. and diet .. etc. etc etc.
I made the grave mistake long ago, of thinking my participation equals .. a voice in it all. I learned, .. through that hard saga .. and screaming like someone in a padded cell, .. to deaf ears .. "this isn't working any longer folks" .. to the answers of more whirligigs and more gadgets .. and the mantra "but she's so fiercely independent, but she just wants to stay in her home .. I just want her to be happy in her waning days".
And a husband with a mantra of .. "We'll all just pitch in .. we'll all help" .. yet he was more concerned with orphaned boys and a camping trip, saving a sinking church, running a biz . and hunting . and nowhere to be found . .when as was always the case, .. chit hitting the fan, . on the MIL front, be that a sickness, . a fall, a need to get to doc, . the dog need ...
It finally dawned on me, probably through much support and learning here on AC .. "I don't get a voice". I can participate as long as I want to, . my choice, but my opinions . D.O. N.O.T. R.E.G.I.S.T.E.R.
I remember saying to DH with that whole mantra that was touted far too often in all this, "she's just so fiercely independent, she just wants to stay in her home . she *wants wants wants*. I remember saying to him, "and what about what I WANT FOR MY DAILY LIFE AND EXISTENCE ........................ I matter too .. it doesn't seem to register with any of you .. just what it's taking to prop all this up .. and my inability to have any kind of life for myself that's meaningful .. as her mishaps and misadventures can and do routinely upend any want that I have for how my day will pan out, .. what about what I WANT FOR MY LIFE".
Nobody heard me, not even an inkling of "hearing me". Didn't matter. "You'll get old one day too", .. "We'll all pitch in" ... more of the same.
Until I finally said I'm done .. up to you and your sister now . you guys figure it out.
That's when the sister .. (again, more gadgets and spinning tops and whirligigs) .. talked to the MOW drivers . "oh they'll help her" .. talked to the neighbors .. "oh the neighbors will help her" .. talked to the housekeeper, "oh the housekeeper said she'll help her" .. and DH .. summoned DD (furious with me, for backing out, and how cruel I was)
I GET it, though. My mother has limited space in her apt but keeps begging for brother to build her more storage. She has 3 little rolling carts that just sit there. Finally one day I asked her what she was keeping in them--she yells-"DON'T Open that!" so of course I do and what tumbles out? 40 yo Tupperware, all sticky and lidless--basically garbage. Another one held old catalogs. Hundreds of them and the third held old PCH sweepstakes envelopes--
And brother is in her bedroom trying to figure out how to put in more shelving.
No cog eval is needed. Anyone who has been hanging on to Tupperware w/o the right size lid for over 40 years is a tad on the cuckoo side.
Bring in a small fridge so MIL 'might' eat a grape one day--let's all get right on that!
I'm so glad you established and HELD boundaries two years ago when SIL came back - you were done. In spite of SIL "I thought family would help" and DH "you'll be old someday yourself" and DD and YD "poor granny... sniff. sniff."
You should write a book!
container of strawberrries sitting there waiting for her to consume them .. or a few oranges .. or an apple or two . or a handful of grapes . or whatever .. she's not going to remember that. Not without a lot of prompting.
And so the stuff will sit in there and rot . unless someone takes the time and organizational skill to routinely rotate in and out that which sits in that fridge.
DH is not gonna be of that ilk, and as we've seen .. I don't go there as often as I once thought I might do. So it's not gonna be me stepping up to that task.
DD .. has 3 small kids that pull at her time/energy and so she too, doesn't go there as frequently as that task might demand .. nor does YD.
So who? Who is gonna be attentive to that?
I don't get why that thought/notion doesn't dawn on SIL who was .. prior to DH putting the skids to it, heading headlong . at breakneck speed, into the whole mini fridge for mom's room endeavor, without so much as any inkling of a thought as to how it would be managed. Never dawned on her, not one iota.
Some things don't change. It all harkens back to the days when I was shouting from every rooftop that she can't live alone anymore, me as her sole support system . her needs are too great .. and we need to enlist more help onto the scene ....
And the mom's argument of "Now I know what I must do to keep myself safe and I will do it, .. I don't want *others* coming and going here".
And me over here countering with, .. "that's all fine and good for her to say that, but the reality of it all is that she does not "do" what she needs to do . and the fallout of it all, lands squarely in my lap .. her son is too busy running his own company and saving a failing church and hunting . and so it falls on me .. and I'm' over here shouting to everyone but the news media, .. I can't support ALL it takes to prop all this up".
DH disengaged.
SIL from a standpoint of .. her counter to the above: "Well .. she's just so fiercely independent . and doesn't want help .. and .. she wants to remain in her own home . and .. I want her waning days to be happy .. "
No inkling or notion whatsoever, as to "others" and what it takes to support that which she was buying into as to her mom's "wants". Same thing . just a different issue, ongoing even today.
It's like SIL has said of it all though .. (so she does have some awareness, recognition) .. her words: "I think God said .. okay sister .. you think she's manageable .. ok, .. gunna make sure she lands under your roof for care for months on end, and throw every ailment possible at the whole thing while she's in your care .. and that'll show ya .. that'll do it. It's like it took that for me to actually "See" that she really can't live alone anymore, she's too needy . I had to live it .. to be able to actually "See" it. That and then when that wasn't good enough, God threw her in the floor and broke her hip . that finished off any notion at all that she could continue to live alone .. that did it.. not only showed me, but .. in a sense .. it even had to make it so that she herself, .. couldn't go home .. the broken hip".
When she says that, .. I think . ."yea .. and when she was in your care, you're retired, your kids don't live there, with g'kids you wanna spend time with, you aren't trying to help run a business .. you aren't actively engaged in a church and wanting to be a part of things on that front ... and .. you have your husband who is also, like you, retired, . and can lean on him . at least for some of what's needed, trips to the store, dog care, etc... I had none of that .. and she's not even my mom . and I was trying to wear all the hats I wear . and manage it all, without help from DH .. who is disengaged from it all .. and taking directives from you from afar .. as to rabbit holes and whirligigs.
She does have "some" awareness finally. Not enough . not yet, if ever.
Their failure to recognize the impediments to doing so, and they do not .. recognize it.
Both of them . "yea . that looks like it's doable .. that looks a lot better than what it used to be".
Yea, it looks better than it used to, but it sure isn't suitable .. not for what she needs. I see that. They do not, not at all.
Not going to fight anyone on it. In fact, .. SIL will want to take her mom there, as will DH . and her g'daughters here . DD and YD both .. also would be on board for it, . all of them with a "can do" attitude to it all.
Have at it. Maybe with SIL attending .. (she can't lift her mom, she has a bad back) .. but maybe with SIL attending, and YD and DD .. maybe between the 3 of them .. they can hoist her . up and out of the wheelchair and pivot her .. though there isn't room for more than one person in that little room where the toilet sits . so I dunno .. but maybe between the 3 of them . they can make it happen for her.
Or who knows, .. maybe it will be the grandest of productions wherein even DH goes into the women's room . in this public place (he can lift his mom . he has the strength) .. and the production is one of epic proportions .. of DH in there, to assist.
I really don't know, won't be attending such event.
And yes, on the mini fridge for her room, .. does it never occur to SIL .. "hey . while I might think this is a splendid plan .. someone is gonna need to be managing this produce rotation . and the cleanliness of the fridge . who is that someone?".
Apparently not.
I'm just glad that this time .. DH saw the pitfalls of that, without any prompt from me .. I had only merely asked if that fridge that sits on a shelf in our garage, does it still work, and the reason why. He nixed that as any viable plan of action right from the start, for the reasons mentioned.
Says a lot when you realize that he, at one time . more disengaged than is the case these days ... deferring to me who was front and center, far more than he .. at one time, that whole plan .. would've been something he is disengaged from and had no voice, either way .. and so SIL would've bulldozed ahead and next thing ya know . there'd be a fridge there and she'd be hauling fresh produce in . and she'd be exiting for home in a couple of weeks and then the directives would be coming, .. "can one of you go by mom's and look in her fridge, I left strawberries in there, and if she hasn't eaten them, they probably need to be thrown out, . may wanna run by the store, and get her some fresh grapes or strawberries, maybe an apple or two . and be sure to wash them before you put them in the fridge, she won't know to do that .. oh and if the strawberries rotted, you may have to wipe the fridge down so it doesn't smell, make sure to take some disinfectant with you".
Without so much as an inkling of care or any notion . that may not be something "one of you" .. as she'd put it . cares to attend to. Would never dawn on her.
It's all so much hullabaloo that isn't at all necessary.
I'm quite sure that the Dietary dept at Purgatory .. has on hand, seasonal fresh fruit and they are willing/able to provide same . daily for MIL if she wishes, . barring any dietary restrictions that prohibit it.
To me, it makes .. hand down, much more sense to follow that path .. "gee, dietary dept, what did you guys find out, .. does she have dietary restrictions in place, that prohibit fresh fruits, which ones are not allowable?".
And then . work with them .... "ok, so she can have ______ and ______ when seasonal ... can we specify that she get that as an item on her tray daily".
(and yes it would take some dialing down, .. as it seems there at Purgatory . they are absolutely awesome . the best of the best . with being agreeable to do this or that .. only it doesn't happen . not unless you baby sit the issue and hound them).
But any notion of putting a fridge in her room. She's not going to even remember that there is a
She's supposed to call for help (but doesn't do so) .. does it on her own.
That setting, the bathroom is large enough, of course, .. the doorway . the wheelchair can fit through the doorway .. and the radius in front of the toilet, and the lavatory . .plentiful as to a wheelchair fitting in that space just fine.
She wheels her wheelchair right into the bathroom, up to the toilet. Uses the grab bar on the wall .. and pulls herself up . by holding onto that grab bar .. and it's a mighty struggle .. it would be about like if I were trying to pull myself up out of a hole holding onto a rope to do it .. nearly impossible for me to achieve . don't have the upper-body strength.
Once she's upright .. she then holds onto that grab bar with one hand, . while navigating the whole pants down thing . with the other hand .. and now . now the pants are down (a trip hazard if you ask me, wish she'd call for help but she won't) .. and so now pants are down . her still holding onto that grab bar with one hand, . and now .. still holding onto that grab bar, and with the other hand, pants down .. she now begins to to turn .. and that whole process also .. really scary to watch.
Her toilet at Purgatory has an apparatus .. think bedside commode for those that can't get out of bed to ambulate to a toilet, . that thing . .and it generally has a bucket under it .. though this one, the bucket has been removed and the apparatus set on/around the toilet, .. so it raises the seating higher .. so she doesn't have to lower, .. to what is a normal height of a toilet.
Then, to get up . the whole thing begins again . the struggle to get upright off the toilet, . and using the grab bar to do so .. and holding onto that grab bar with one hand, while struggling to pull up her pants with the other hand .. all while holding on for life to that grab bar . and slumped over, .. and struggling to get the pants pulled up, then .. holding onto it now with the other hand also .. and the pivot to turn around and get into the wheelchair.
It's a system that works for her (precarious as it all looks) .. in that setting.
At the Shack . taking her out to eat ... yes the area where the lavatory is .. that is big enough for a wheelchair to enter .. the problem comes when she now wheels herself past that, to where the toilet is . in it's own little room . doorway not wide enough to accommodate that wheelchair to enter.
So somehow she's gonna need to navigate the 7 or 8 steps it'll take, from the wheelchair .. and at the doorway of this tiny little room that houses the toilet .. the 7 or 8 steps to get into that little room .. no wheelchair . and .. no grab bar, cuz that's 7 or 8 steps ahead of ya ..
Somehow she's gonna need to get those 7 or 8 steps .. before she can even hold onto a grab bar, and begin the whole process of holding onto that, to pull down her pants . and then holding onto it with both hands .. as she now begins to try the pivot to turn around .. and then ... she'll have to lower herself to what is not ADA height toilet .. and then back up again ..
One can hope that she, like the other 2 x's she's been successfully hauled out for dinner, . doesn't need to use the restroom facilities.
That would make the thing a whole lot more doable.
But there's no guarantee that can be the status quo . and in fact, .. I don't like to gamble and live on the edge .. the very fact, she's in a site where the bathrooms aren't suitable to accommodate ADA restrictions . would be the very time . she DOES NEED to go to the bathroom.
I understand her "want" to go there, .. many many family memories of going there for decades now. I even understand how it is that it's nearly impossible to make her understand in her dementia state .. that some things aren't possible for you anymore ma. I get all that. I truly do.
What I don't get is this .. I dunno . her son and daughter, both .. their
1. Go in depends (bad option - but in an emergency..)
2. Sprout wings & fly there.
These are the options I give my Mum, wanting to visit un-ADA places.
Can MIL stand & hold a rail? If yes,
DH is bathroom door guard. MIL goes in depends, wearing double or depends with booster pad insert. Stands holding onto rail or sink. SIL pulls out booster pad & puts new one - replace depends too if needed - tab type better as pullups hard over shoes. Is SIL up for this?
I've done it but in all honesty, the burden on the carer is great. Also add the mega falls risk.
I get she wants to take MIL out. If SIL wants to do this, let her. YOU don't need to help. You will make that clear beforehand. Gently remind her when she panics & demands help later.
My Dad takes Mum out all the time. He takes the risk, he figures some wet pants/car seat are a small price for the enjoyment they get going out. Good for them.
I however, refuse to take her out because I refuse to lift her or meet her crazy demands all day. Que Sera.
Then provide a DVD player & an electic range of DVDs. Pop in to set this up every evening with a chosen DVD. Better stay to watch too - MIL may want the company. No popcorn mind!
I'm sorry for taking the pizz (as we say here). I am laughing typing this but it's actually sad isn't it? Sad that if you could see SIL's thoughts they would look like that! You need boundaries made of lead & barbed wire to deal with this on a daily basis. What SIL thinks are her Mother's needs just outway all else. There is no recognition you or anyone else are separate people at all - just drones working for the queen bees needs.
untangling me from it all . and boundaries. Those boundaries are firmly in place, still.
It's not me being directed to go find a fridge for her room, .. or go buy an extra long shoe horn (that I would've told her, ain't gonna work, and it didn't) . or go buy a grabber thingy .. that I'd of told her ain't gonna work (and it didn't) or pj's that MIL in the end, didn't like, or shoes .. that don't work, or whatever, it's not me being directed in this circus.
I hear about it all, talk to her .. quite often . but she somewhere along the line picked up that I'm not her minion to run around for her fools errands . and so doesn't ask any longer.
And no .. any visit to Shack .. that bathroom is still woefully not adequate ..
We have now had MIL out to eat, 2 x's . and both times, successful as to no chitapalooza .. and not only that, . (false sense of . .this is all okay) .. she hasn't even needed to use the facilities. This has all served to create a false sense of "this is all okay in the end".
I know what it can be . if she has to use the restroom, .. I know what it can be, if chitapalooza decides to pay a visit . and so .. I'm vary wary of any scenario taking her out anywhere . not at all on that page as are those who walk in lock step to all things righted in MIL universe.
There again, my voice of reason/logic . that comes off as negative nancy ..
I don't see it that Shack is suitable . and said so . to .. deaf ears . both her and DH. So . ya'll have at it .. I can come up with a stomach ailment in no time flat, and I will.
preservatives, etc. And so she'd bought stacks and stacks of these frozen meals. Those too, uneaten.
This is all during the time I was shouting from every rooftop . she shouldn't be living alone . her nutrition is inadequate, her hydration . she doesn't take her meds . she falls all the time .. she can't be living alone anymore guys .. .and no one listening.
And so SIL thought . that'd solve it . go buy stacks and stacks of those frozen meals. Those too, sat in the freezer uneaten.
At one point . we'd brought her here, . to shelter from an oncoming storm . and the power was out for days here . in our home, but also in her home (but no one home at her house, .. she was here with us). DH went out there, . at SIL's insistence, to go clean out her fridge as it sat with no power for days .. and throw away things that would spoil (mayo, eggs, etc) . and go thru her freezer, as to things that may have thawed and pitch those out.
He called here, wanting to know, . "those frozen meals . do you think I need to pitch those . .they still feel cold, but they probably have thawed . this freezer has sat here for days with no power".
I answered him that yes, he should throw them out. MIL was sitting here and heard that conversation and chimed in "Good, I never liked those things anyway . that SIL .. she was so busy hauling stacks and stacks of those things in . and I never liked them .. never ate them, yes throw them out".
Just so many examples through the years . and it continues to this day ... of all the whirligig spinning . and many times .. causing me to question my own mindset. While she's not my mom .. so I can't possibly care and be as bonded to her as are her own kids .. I do care about her, always have .. and so when I'd see all this headscratching stuff go on . and me over here . with a "that's not gonna work" .. and to deaf ears .. I'd many times, ponder .. "what's wrong with you Dorker, . you're the only one that seems to see the negative all the time ... they all want her to be happy .. and in her home . and so they're doing what they can to make that possible . and all you can see is the negative in it all".
But reflecting back on it all .. and watching what goes on present day ... the "all" in this .. "all of them" .. was SIL. SIL wanting her mom . with all the whirligigs and gadgets to be happy .. and DH . mostly disengaged.
It's all a lot clearer in hindsight ..
I got too enmeshed myself in her well being . but am not of the emotional entanglements .. to be lost in the fog of it all, as are her kids . .so see things with a clearer reasoning than SIL is able to even attempt to achieve.
No, she doesn't think these things through . not at all. If it's a top she can set in motion to spinning . or a gadget (shoe horn .. grabber thingy . the latest) .. by GOLLY that'll right the course of the universe and she's gonna do it, . and reason/logic be damned.
I'm really kinda surprised she did listen recently when she was lamenting that Purgatory . while they do have cable tv . they don't have AMC as one of their channels (American Movie Channel). MIL .. maybe not so much anymore, her attention span probably prevents it now days . but at one time, she enjoyed that channel on her tv at home . think movies from the 50's, 60's . some of them black and white movies ..
SIL lamenting that Purgatory doesn't offer that, and pondering whether she could have a DVD player, if they'd allow that . and maybe order some movies she could plug in and watch, to my argument, "SIL ... she would never in a million years, be able to manage switching on a DVD player and plugging in a DVD . that's beyond her .. she can't do that .. and I doubt seriously she has the attention span any longer to even care to sit and watch a movie".
SIL: "Yea, you're probably right".
And that one got dropped.
Her leaving to return home in a couple of weeks . she won't have to be brought back to the front of
He has been "out" with his wife . a few times on short errands, . her legs do the running, but for him to even have any get up and go, to get in the car, .. is an improvement. At one time, even that was not fathomable, ... far too weak.
He doesn't report having gained any weight (would be typical of him . has never had to fight weight battles) . but appetite has improved, is eating better. That too, an improvement. He still gets in home PT . and that helps . as far as not atrophying way.
And no, it's been weeks since I've been on sight there, to see dad. Last time I went there, . weeks ago, he had a bag gash on his leg where he'd fallen (something that was occurring with too much frequency, just weak). There was an in home nurse coming (wound nurse) doctoring that a couple of times a week, and he reports that is almost healed, and no more falls (but would he tell me if he was falling . not likely).
All in all, in his case, things are more stable than they once were. He is still very weak . and not one to sit idle . and having been remanded to just that, for quite a long while now with all his ailments over the last couple of years .. he's not a bit happy with that as his status . wishes more than anything he could get up and about and be "useful". That part is hard on him.
There's been no further talk, of any POA or getting papers in order, etc .. and ... I don't push it, . he is of sound mind, knows my sentiments . they were talked about ad nauseum when I was more on that front .. and so .. so be it. If it's his intent to go into the sunset of his life with all his things in disarray (or maybe they are in order but .. I and younger brother fit nowhere in any of it, thus mind ya own biz . is his approach, so be that too).
Not like anything I've ever known of him, .. always organized and meticulous. But .. I've always been kept at arm's length . to their world, and the only reason I began to be summoned front and center, was because his wife was so out of commission herself .. with her heart issues and surgery and hospitalized .. and him too with his own serious health issues at that time. Since that scene has more stabilized, . things have returned to more the status quo it's always been.
As to SIL and all her shenanigans ..
It's all given me much pause for reflection. Her w/the never ending whirligigs of keeping herself busy placating all she conjures up to do (and make no mistake about it, it's her that conjures all this up).
Many times through the years, causing me to question my own mind .. as I watch all the tops spinning and whirligigs spinning and gadgets being put to use . all while . thru the years, I scratch my head . and argue . "that's not gonna work, and here's why .........................", only to ..... I might as well have gone and talked to the wall.
I think about back at the time when it was being shouted by me, that she shouldn't be living alone any longer, . she can't take care of herself, . and to deaf ears. One of the components of that, . her not eating adequately . and so SIL had summoned MOW onto the scene. We'd go over there, and stacks of them sitting uneaten in her fridge (didn't like them, for the most part) . and reporting that to SIL .. from afar .. "she isn't eating . she doesn't like them .. she eats . if I take over some leftovers from here, . and sit with her .. she eats . but outside of that, she doesn't eat". Her nutrition so poor.
And so SIL had gone . got the bright idea of buying all these frozen type meals .. all organic (because after all, we're health food nuts <not me> .. and we only eat that which comes from all organic sources .. no
The Shack bathroom -- Putting a few grab bars is a half-assed way of trying to accommodate people with disabilities. And cheap. I'm wondering if they had to get a building permit to do the changes they did; I'm guessing not, or otherwise they probably would have had to make the bathroom come into full ADA compliance. But I agree -- let the nimrods take MIL on any outings to the Shack.
You are going to have to wean SIL off your involvement once she returns to IL. She will have to be retrained on your boundaries, because since she's been here you've seem to have had a good deal of input regarding MIL, and SIL may expect that to continue.
So how is your father doing? He's had to do without your help for weeks now, correct? That's good; he should be used to handling his own issues, and not expect you to come when he feels he needs you.
A bad stomach ache when they take MIL to the shack sounds like a good idea to me! Again does SIL not think of anyone but MIL? It sounds like MIL isn’t exactly a tiny woman, does SIL not realize the manpower required to toilet MIL in public and how those who help her not only risk injuring MIL but also themselves?
this area right here .. and she can use these grab bars.
Me: "SIL .. (sigh) .. how is she gonna get the 7 or 8 steps it'll take to get to the grab bar .. you can't get the wheelchair any further than this right here, the doorway isn't wide enough .. and so you're gonna have to stop right about here (pointing to the floor) . and she still has another 7 or 8 steps from that point, to be able to get to where the grab bars are, and the toilet itself . and you can't even get in there with her, . it's too small, . to turn her around to where she can plant her behind on the toilet . and the toilet isn't ADA height .. she's gonna struggle to even get down on that level to that toilet .. and look at the lavatory .. why they put a cabinet under it .. who the h377 knows .. but they did . so she's not even gonna be able to wheel up to it to wash her hands .. she can't get the wheelchair under it".
SIL: "She'll have to wash her hands over here from the side of it
Me: "The side has the side of the cabinet there . she can't get to the sink from any direction .. because they put a cabinet under the lavatory .. I don't see this is workable at all".
At that, . she's holding the door open kinda . wanting to get DH's opinion . who is standing right outside the women's room in the hallway . and he . hesitant to even look .. lest he be seen as some kinda pervert peeking into a public women's bathroom .. only glances and says "yea yea, that's workable .. that works".
Me .. walking out .. shaking my head .. and not saying another word, . just vowing . okay you idjits . when the day comes that you guys all wanna get that much coveted visit for MIL to The Shack .. I'll have a fake stomach ache .. I'm not even remotely interested in partaking of that event whenever it gets on the radar.
As we're now leaving, walking out, .. SIL saying to her brother .. "I think it's doable now . I think . I mean she'd need some help . it'd have to be a couple of us helping her . but it's doable now".
I just shook my head, but said nothing more.
With that, we said our g'byes for the night, they went their way . we went ours.
The whirligigs, rabbit holes and top spinning .. it will continue in earnest . I suppose until MIL draws her last breath . or SIL her's. And the madness that ensues all around it all, . .my charge to not loose my chit on these people .. and all their whirligig top spinning.
It is just absolutely astounding.
mirror mounted on the wall there, almost floor to ceiling . and I guess for the use of the resident, if they care to look in the mirror .. and in that little alcove area sits a chair for visitors to utilize ..
But I guess to SIL more important that space be filled with MIL's prized possessions from her own home .. (a home she doesn't really seem to remember, surprisingly .. at this point in her journey) ..
So . I guess since the fridge got the ax .. then .. we'll just cart her nightstand there . and stick it in that alcove.
So then last night . at The Shack . I purposely brought up the fridge topic (because I know these people fail to talk to one another) ..
Me out loud to the group encompassing SIL and her hubby and DH: "So .. did you nix the idea of any fridge . since DH is not on board for that".
Wanting DH to weigh in . since it was he, who said "no".
DH: "no ... Sister I am not gonna be managing all that, mother doesn't eat enough to feed a flea as it is .. and you're gonna have me hauling fruits in there that don't get consumed at all, and sit there and rot . and no . just no .. I can bring her an apple or an orange . that's all she needs".
SIL: "Yea .. I see that . you're probably right".
Me: Hello?!??!? Before anyone goes bringing her fresh fruits you guys need to dial down on whether that's even allowable . as to her diet ... she has such a problem with chitapalooza .. SIL you just said you'd found a pair of soiled pants on the floor when you got there earlier in the day, her having had an accident in her pants .. I'll be damned if I'd be bringing her anything in the form of roughage without consulting w/the med staff there . but do what ya'll want".
SIL: "yea I need to ask them about that".
Will she? Who the h377 knows . probably not . she'll be onto some other rabbit hole .. and whirligig.
So then as we were leaving . and specifically because .. a week or so back .. YD had shot me some pics on her phone of The Shacks' newly re-done bathrooms ..
All of this in the attempt to move heaven and earth to make sure MIL gets a visit in at The Shack . the favored . much hullabaloo'd .. The Shack ...
SIL wanted she and I to duck in the bathroom on the way out in an attempt to judge whether it is now suitable as to ADA and MIL can have that much wanted visit back to The Shack.
That too, .. disagreement ..
I still think it's woefully inadequate ..
Yes they have updated their bathroom there .. and it's now not just particle board separating what are toilets .. and particle board as partition . and one can literally stand up and say hi to their toilet mate . as it's so low .. one can do so.
That has been done away with . and now each toilet (of the two provided) .. is separated by . an actual wall .. built wall.
Why did they not go ahead and go full out with ADA .. ??.... who knows .. I don't know the owners of The Shack and why they do things they do.
But one of those .. has grab bars on the walls ..
BUT ..............
The entry to get to that specific toilet is not wide enough for a wheel chair .. the doorway . and yes there is a door there now, where there used to be just particle board .. is not the 36" wide it would need to be . to be able to fit a wheelchair ..
So .. what I see .. is that MIL would be able to wheel her wheelchair to the doorway of this cubicle . but getting from that doorway . out of the wheelchair and over to where the toilet/grab bars are . would be really really problematic . unless someone is there that can support her 150 lbs . to get her the maybe 7 or 8 steps it'll take to be able to grab onto that grab bar . and then . somehow . not enough room there IMO . turn herself around . to where she can then plant her behind down onto the toilet, . which is not high enough IMO.
So that was what I saw.
Not what SIL saw.
"Oh she can do this .. yea . she can do this .. just wheel her wheelchair right up to
DH: Tell her to talk to me before she does that . no .. I don't want her dragging a portable fridge in there for mom .. no .. who does she think is gonna manage that .. I don't wanna have to now take that on .. and have that as the next thing I need to look after .. no .. tell her to talk to me. H377 Dorker, she's got the bottom drawer of her dresser, with foods SIL put there the last time she was here, . individual apple sauces ..individual packets of graham crackers .. individual little dried fruit packets, . she hasn't touched any of that ... not one time . it sits there waiting for the Apocalypse .. what .. ???....now I'm gonna be stopping off to bring her a bag of oranges that sit in there and rot . or apples . or whatever . no .. I can easily bring her an apple or an orange from here .. and ... a handful of grapes or whatever . no .. just tell her, if you talk to her, that I want a say so in that, and no . just no".
Me to DH: That was sorta my thinking also . but ya know . you guys don't ever listen to reason when it comes to these things . and more to the point your sister . she gets on a mission and by GOD if it hairlips the devil she's gonna get it done . ya know DH . when we went to that Care Plan Meeting . .she brought that up . that your mom doesn't get any variation of fruits .. and she asked if they could get her .. maybe instead of just a banana every day . can she have an apple, some grapes . some strawberries .. that kinda thing . and they answered that they'd check into any dietary restrictions . and if not . then yes, they'd do that, vary her fruits .. I don't think that's been dialed down on . and I don't know that your mom has any dietary restrictions . but I can say that when she arrived there, .. Chitapalooza was an enormous issue . huge ... so for all we know, .. it was directed that she get only a banana .. as those can be binding . as opposed to other fruits which would be roughage .. and cause her to have loose bowels .. that may be the case, for all we know . nobody has dialed down on that. That was all talked about at that Care Plan Meeting . and they said they'd check on it, . but here goes your sister . ready to set up a fridge in there and drag in all fresh fruits for your mom's disposal .. and ... hasn't even really taken into account what that might do as to GI upset .. not smart IMO".
DH: "yea and like I said, that bottom drawer of her dresser has all those foods that SIL brought in the last time she was here, and mom hasn't touched any of it, a single time . probably doesn't even know it's there, or care. So now, .. I'm gonna be charged with bringing her fresh fruits and riding herd on her to eat it, and not let it spoil . and her forgetting . and then pitching it out, for new . no . just no ... no tell her, to talk to me".
So . she happened to call yesterday to ask if .. were we interested in meeting them (sans MIL, who was to be kept in the dark on this topic) . at The Shack for seafood dinner.
Yes, we'd do that. While I was on the phone with her ... I did tell her what DH's thoughts were, and that he asked .. she call him before planning to do that .. that he isn't interested in managing a produce display in her room in a fridge.
SIL: "Oh okay . well . I guess if I'm not gonna put a fridge in there, then I can bring that nightstand of her's from here and put it in that little alcove area .. I was gonna put the fridge there, but if not . then I'll just bring her nightstand from here, . and put that there".
Me: SIL that little alcove area, is where a chair sits, . for visitors to use".
SIL: They can just sit in the chair and move it over by the window".
Me: There's already a chair there .. in case .. like me and DH go there . we each have a chair".
SIL: Well . you can just move it to the end of her bed then .. ".
SIGH. Whatever . not gonna argue with her. I think that too is stupid .. there is a little alcove area in the room .. and it has
Some patients are restricted as to limitations to their diet, and I'll check that, but if there are no limitations . yes, we can specify that her fruits get varied .. at times".
So that was the answer given.
Has there been any follow through . as in Dietary having reported back to SIL, . "hey we checked her chart, and her restrictions are _____________".
No.
Has SIL followed through w/Dietary (which seems to be the normal course here at this place, . they offer the sun/moon and stars there, .. but no follow through . unless one rides herd on them, for the answer they promised to provide). Has SIL followed through as to any answer on the above. No. She's been too busy with other rabbit holes.
So then fast forward to now, .. a week or two past the above Care Plan Meeting . and no follow through on that specific topic . and SIL gets in her head that MIL needs a fridge in her room.
Why? See above, fresh fruits.
SIL running this past me, just in conversation . she may have called me .. to ask if I want so and so from MIL's house . does so quite often, asking. And the above came up as a topic.
SIL: "I think I need to go get mom a fridge for her room, remember CC had one, when mom roomed w/her, .. I need to go look at portable fridges and get one for her room . ya know . she really doesn't get any fresh fruits .. they just don't seem to provide that there . and I know she'd like to have some variation . she gets a banana every day . but .. she'd like to have an orange .. an apple, .. maybe some grapes .. if she has a fridge . then we can bring her those kinds of things for her to have on hand".
Me to SIL: "Did you ever check back with Dietary on any restrictions that might be in order as to her diet? I don't know that to be the case, but your mom is so PRONE for Chitapalooza . and fruits are going to be roughage .. and so . exacerbating that issue .. bananas are more binding .. and so there may be good reason why that's the only fresh fruit she ever sees on her tray . did you ever check back with Dietary as to what they found on that, remember we talked about that in the Care Plan Meeting and they were going to dial down on that".
SIGH .. SIL . never one to listen to reason/logic.
SIL: Really? I wouldn't think . as little as she eats .. that it would be a any problem . she doesn't have a big appetite .. it's not like she's gonna sit down and eat a whole container of strawberries in one sitting".
Me: No, probably not . but .. I wouldn't be putting fresh fruits at her disposal without at least checking to make sure, . not with her history of chitapalooza being such an issue.
I have my thoughts/opinions on any necessity for a fridge in her room .. but .. my thoughts . are immaterial. Who . just who is going to be in charge of now, keeping this fridge cleaned out . and rotting fruit that never got consumed, pitched out . so she won't eat it, and fresh fruits brought in . and washed . and reminder to her (and yes, she'd need reminder, lots of reminders) to eat it . .and not let it sit there and rot .. now who is gonna be doing that .. because SIL .. you're going home in a week or two . .and when you do . all this top spinning and rabbit hole running you create . is then left for others to see to, . .so . .just . wth .. leave it be. But .. my opinions .. n.e.v.e.r. rate in any of this, so why bother voicing them, I just don't. With SIL, whirligigs and gadgets and top spinning . are the order of the day . and no amount of reason/logic ever changes it.
So ... after that ... I mentioned the above to DH . in passing.
Me to DH: "Hey . .that portable fridge we have sitting on a shelf outside in the garage . do you know if it still works?".
DH: I think so, why?".
Me to DH: "Your sister wants to get a portable fridge for your mom's room .. fresh fruits to have on hand".
DH a grimace on his face, of oh no . no no.
DH: "No, . .. no . that's a bad idea . no .. tell her to talk to
I'm telling ya she is married to a saint. That's all there is to it. The man is so unfailingly kind ..
He did have that minor stroke a couple of years back, at a time she was down here, taking care of her mom. The residual of that is some slight "balance" issues .. and so .. he has some "slight" struggles with that issue.
It's not nearly . not by a long shot .. (I'm used to MIL who struggled w/balance issues subsequent to her stroke, years and years ago). MIL's were enormous, her struggles. His .. you see him kinda go off kilter if he gets up too fast .. it can throw off his equilibrium .. and him sway a bit.
I've often wondered .. I guess it's possible . happens all over the world maybe .. if he weren't so compromised .. (he is . with his mental health issues, .. just as shell of a person really .. so drugged up to keep his Bipolar in check . that he really is just kinda a shell of a person for the most part), .. if he weren't so compromised, . what would their relationship look like . as she runs around chasing her tail around her elbow in constant pursuit of making all right in MIL's world, . and leaving him to do so.
I guess husbands (wives also) .. deal with it .. even not so compromised in their mental health status ..
But I have to think if I were married to SIL .. I would have a problem .. w/being relegated to dog-care for a dog that we took over on MIL's behalf .. and watching my spouse run the treadmill of all things right the universe for mom (some of it just stupid busy work).
The latest with SIL and her whirligig top spinning, rabbit holes.
She decided a couple of days ago, that her mom needs a portable fridge in her room. Purgatory does allow such .. with the caveat .. it is provided by resident/family and that which rotates in and out of said fridge (or should) also to be seen to by resident and/or family. In other words, .. staff/houskeeping is not responsible for the cleanliness and sanitation of said foods housed in, in-room portable fridges. Understandably so.
I know that CC (MIL's former roomie) had a fridge on her side. I shutter to think what that fridge must've looked like on the inside, .. because CC wasn't all there mentally .. and she only had one family member that sporadically visited her .. a woman that calls herself CC's fake daughter, and the fake daughter seemingly had about the mental capacity of an 8 yo. I doubt that fridge ever saw the rotation of things that maybe were left there a year ago, or more. Never looked.
I guess I kinda questioned .. why they'd need a fridge of their very own .. but .. I guess if one wants things that Dietary Dept doesn't provide, .. things like maybe individual servings of cottage cheese, . or maybe yogurt, or .. whatever .. if you have a LO that will bring such things for you, .. set em in the fridge .. and then rotate them in and out .. as to freshness/expiration dates, etc .. maybe .. so be it.
Never gave it a whole lot of thought.
So .. SIL decided in the last day or two, . MIL needs a portable fridge in her room.
Why?
Well, .. she has it in her mind that her mom is missing fresh fruits ..
Now bear in mind .. in the Care Plan Meeting a week or so back .. each different modality there, PT, .. Nursing, ... Recreation, Dietary .. etc .. there to report what they have to say. When Dietary took the floor, ... of course, reporting that there aren't any concerns .. and such . and then SIL piped in.
SIL: "I just wonder, .. I see that she gets a fresh banana with every b'fast tray .. do you all ever provide any variation of that? An orange, an apple, .. grapes . strawberries .. anything different? She might would like to have some different fruits if that's possible".
Dietary staff member: "yes, we can do that, .. we'll check her dietary restrictions . I don't know .. but maybe she is restricted,
I really feel Dorker you have a handle on this dementia thing. Engage with the emotion of the time, empathize, re-live pleasant memories, end of visit. SIL is a different character altogether. Even with the best dementia knowledge, her judgement is clouded by the mother-daughter closesness (maybe even enmeshment?)
Things are going along OK - or as best they can but SIL will need to start living her own life again soon. What about that husband of hers? Stroke history & all that. Didn't he want to travel? Time to travel now before it's too late, yes? Maybe plant that seed. Mention some cruises... Must be some good ones leaving from Florida?
I have kept a few pairs of nice heels. They are for weddings and funerals. I always regret wearing them.
My second toe is longer than my big toe. So was my Mom’s and both my sisters.
So far I’ve had no problems wearing well fitted shoes...except high heels...
If my feet start giving me problems I’ll make sure to show my “worm toe“ to my PCP. Thanks Barb!
Doesn’t it feel like if your feet hurt everything hurts?
I go barefoot at home. I don’t have any issues with foot pain going barefoot. I’ve heard of people who need arch support say that there is pain without shoes.
If I walk in shoes that aren’t good walking shoes for a long time my feet will hurt. I love sandals too. But they better be a walking type sandal for me to be out running around.
It turned out that I have something that is easily correctable with orthotics. They are custom made with a support for each of my big toes (which are shorter than my second toes, which causes problems, who knew) and now I can walk for miles with no issues.
So glad that I mentioned this to my PCP who sent me to HIS podiatrist.
.
My mom has Parkinson’s but without dementia. She is exactly like what you are describing, calling things ‘ugly.’ She uses a walker. Safety should be a number one concern! She fell numerous times. But for them, they want to look good too!
Think about that generation though. Geeeeez, the women in the 40’s were gorgeous! Best clothes, fantastic figures, great big band music, my mother jitterbugged! Fantastic dancing so they were very thin. High heel shoes! Beautiful nails, makeup always perfect...
My mother was beautiful and even in her 90’s is still pretty. My daddy followed my mom and her sister when he first saw her out walking. He told me that she was so pretty that he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Hahaha, today that would be stalking! My dad was very sweet and terribly handsome. Daddy wasn’t vain though.
They were very stylish! We look like slobs next to them, even going to church. They dressed up a lot more than we do to go to church. Oh my gosh, the men wore suits to ball games! Men and women had beautiful hats. I wish I had some of the hats. Would be cool to have those.
I know SIL showed MIL, on her phone .. a couple of pics of shoes she'd seen in the store, . both of them velcro closure style and MIL turned up her nose at both .. "eeww, those are just ugly.. don't make we wear those ugly things".
I know even for myself, .. I have all but ruined my feet .. live in FL and run around barefoot 90% of the time and if I have to wear shoes, . it's sandals or flip flops. Rarely do I wear a formal "shoe" . other than to church . and n.e.v.e.r. heels.
My feet are all kinds of screwed up . from having gone barefoot all my life.
So finding a shoe that fits me comfortably .. is a real challenge. There are loads of shoes I'd like to wear . but I put it on my foot and can feel .. I'd be coming outta that in no time .. hurts my feet.
So .. even I, .. and I'm not 90 . have to go with function .. more so than fashion.
Vanity .. not really anything I can even take into consideration with shoewear.
My mom lived during the depression too. They had five children in the family but two died before my mother was born.
The men’s shoes are cut quite a bit larger so they do fit for severely swollen feet and ankles. They gave her the support that she needed too.
My mom refused fluid pills. She was supposed to wear the compression stockings every day. Sometimes she would fight about wearing those too.
She was supposed to elevate her feet and she wouldn’t always do that.
All of those things help with edema.
Good for your mom that she accepts wearing men’s shoes. She doesn’t sound like she is vain like my mom.
My mom hates that her hair is thinning. She’s in her 90’s for crying out loud! She wore make up to get the mail from the mailbox in case anyone was watching her. Everything had to always be perfect.
I finally figured out that she associates people begging her with caring. Not realizing it’s exhausting for others to continually beg her. No one should have to beg. They should be grateful to have help and cooperate with others.
Two years old children are rebellious because they are children. The elderly do it for attention. I was with her every single day! She didn’t have to pull those shenanigans.
All it did was turn me off and push me way. I would walk away when she acted up like that. I raised my kids. I didn’t need to raise another one.
Plus she is a chronic complainer. If her swelling went down she wasn’t happy because she couldn’t complain about it. She loved people feeling sorry for her to get attention.
I wonder how common that is. I do know a few other old people like her and I swear being mom’s primary caregiver for a bazillion years just about killed me so I can’t do a repeat of it.
Recently I told an old woman that I know who is extremely negative and loves, loves, loves people to fuss over her that I wasn’t the right person to speak to because my quota was full for the rest of my life! Hahaha
I told her to find another old lady who enjoyed complaining as much as she did and they could have a grand time. They could feel sorry for each other. Some elderly feel they have to cause drama to get attention. Just shoot me if I ever get like that.