I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If your father wouldn't allow anyone to lift him, then it seems as if a restaurant is the only alternative. I would suggest somehow NOT bringing the littles, as from what you describe it wouldn't be a relaxing meal at all. But I guess any outing has to include them?
Bringing dad around the back way to my house .. he'd still have a real struggle ... as he uses a walker (uses a wheelchair if it's a matter he's going somewhere that's any distance to speak of) . uses a walker, . and has "foot drop" .. maybe a result of his back issues and surgery .. but whatever. Traversing the ground .. to get to the back of my house also would be an issue for him.
That and if he could even get to the back, walking thru earth to get to it, .. there is still the one step up onto what is our back screen room. And from there, .. one enters what is our back screen room . and then to get into the house, another one step up.
Would he let the big strong burly guys carry him? Not a chance in h377. He'd forgo any event that requires same. Embarrassment, and pride would negate thta as any option for him.
SIGH
I need to put in a call to him .. and at least let him know to be thinking of what might work for him . that I'm doing the same. Maybe a restaurant .. perhaps .. but .. that too, .. (oh trying to navigate large family's with all the need and so forth . .what a task) .. DD's .. taking them out is about like inviting wild racoons to your table.
I probably just need to put it out there to him . that I'm trying to find a means by which we can gather and include the littles (he always enjoyed short snippets of their presence, notice I said *short* snnipets ) .... just let him know that I'm wracking my brain trying to figure a way to do that without
A) causing a chit storm in his life in his wife's insistence that people don't come to HER HOUSE with casseroles in hand .. and cause her to feel .. useless (as she'd see it)
B) Invite him here, .... sure glad to do it .. but how are ya gonna get in my house dad?
C) Go to a restaurant .. glad to do it . but do you want the *wild racoons* a part of that scene? They'll be more than happy to join ... but I'm warning ya . it's not all that pleasant having two 2 yo's at the table .. and yes, they'd make it short and sweet (their preference too .. to get the h377 outta there and get back to the confines of their home) . but all that is always gonna be dependent upon how fast the restaurant gets one's food to you . and then the bill .. so you can pay it and be gone.
Maybe just run some of that past him. For all I know he may wish to forgo any gathering inclusive of the littles . .maybe not up for that these days for all I know.
Yes, the tree .. though I absolutely love it, always have . it is presently bringing kinda a forlorn presence here .. of all the memories of times pasts at MIL's . .family all gathered there, laughter .. gathering for holidays etc. Not what I ever intended in taking the tree.
Came to my teensy house 3 years ago--6 steps and same dynamic--3 burly sons in law to carry her. She sat in one chair and when she was done, the same 3 hauled her down and put her in the car. I'm only 5 minutes away from her, so running her home in the middle of the morning was no big deal.
Mom weighs about 150 and it's dead weight, she cannot lift a foot. The guys could have tossed her, there was so much manpower.
The last 2 years she has bowed out of everything, brother's house is too full of cats, dogs, and birds for those of us who have allergies/health issues, so the obvious of getting together at brother's is out. Guess we will not meet this year--in fact, I think that tradition is dead and gone. Mother bemoans it, but it's entirely b/c of her that we no longer hold it.
Personally, I find Christmas to be SO overblown and crazy. I had a meltdown couple years ago--just worked too hard, DH was recovering from 2 massive heart attacks and I was so exhausted. The kids were here at 11 am and by 3 I was in tears and quietly asked them all to leave. No big deal. Just--needed my bed and good cry. I take the tree down on the 26th and my house looks 'normal' again.
I've had a hard year...and I want it OVER and done. I do not care one bit about anything to do with the celebrations. I'm still noticeably sick and DH is so tired of my bald head and fatigue. We both need 2019 to end.
I'm glad for you that in spite of all you have been through with MIL, you still proclaim that she was a wonderful MIL and g-mother. You will always have that. What does that feel like? A true daily blessing, really. In spite of the messes--you always do acknowledge that relationship and I admire the heck out of you for it.
Passing the trees down can be a sweet new tradition. I also have a 'pencil tree' and I LOVE it. I can wrangle it myself and cannot possibly overload it with every ornament :)
My Granny had an aluminum Tree in the 60s. My Mom eventually had it. When it came time to clear out Mom’s house I was overwhelmed I had no room to store it. I asked my daughter, I know she loved it. Mom would put it up as a second tree and decorate it with my Granny’s vintage costume jewelry.
Anyway, daughter didn’t want tree when the time came, it was just to painful to think about for her. I was so overwhelmed I just couldn’t deal with it either.
This year I wanted a second tree for my dining area and wished I had hung on to that aluminum tree. Sigh....
A couple days later my daughter asked “whatever happened to Granny’s aluminum tree”? Sigh....
We both could kick ourselves for letting it go. Still had the original box. Each limb had its individual sleeve for storage. It had been well cared for.
Sigh....
Is the a back way into your house without so many steps that your Dad could handle?
But ...
That still presents a problem in that dad cant get up the few stairs into my home.
That & she is their driver ... and though they live 30 or so mins from me ... this end of town ... might as well have her drive to Mars. Causes (and always has) all kinds of nervous & nail biting anxiety for her, worse now days.
In fact she and he several years ago .. drove this way for a baby shower for DD.
Got so lost, frazzled, they abandoned mission & found their way home to comfort from that which was baffling and hair raising for them.
Yep ... call Uber.
But ... he still cant get into my house I dont think.
work it thru in my own mind, what it is I'd propose as to any xmas get together, and the consternation that will bring to his existence, in a wife who wants to argue about even the most simplest of things.
So that is kinda playing like a ticker tape across my mind's eye . how to navigate those waters and I really have no viable solution at this point.
That and part and parcel of any get together, would expressly (because it brings a smile to his face, to watch the littles) .. it would include the littles .. at least for a little bit of time. Their house is NOT CHILD FRIENDLY at all! Mine is .. but .. I really don't think he can climb the 3 steps it takes to get up to my front porch . and then the one further step to get into my doorway to my home.
As to SIL blowing up my phone .. she is still in route to home in IL . and thus far, that is her task at hand .. and so not blowing up my phone here. I was just glad that DH put the skids to any plan for an in room mini fridge for MIL. That was about hair brained. She doesn't eat enough to even have a mini fridge with much in it, . .so the food would rot . and who is gonna keep that rotated in and out .. foods that are past expiration dates . and rotate in . fresh foods. That was hairbrained. Glad DH saw the pitfalls of that, and put the skids to it.
I know one of the last things SIL attended to here, .. a missing hair brush at Purgatory. Who takes a hair brush? But SIL was going to be running by to buy a new hairbrush . but apparently the missing hair brush re-surfaced. I thought when SIL mentioned a missing hair brush "who does that? who takes a hair brush? probably it's right there, just misplaced" . but didn't weigh in with any suggestions .. just .. let her go down her rabbit holes all to her heart's content. In the end, it did re-surface, .. likely . like I said, there all along, just misplaced.
As to the xmas tree and handing it on down eventually. Yes, if it stands the test of time . (and it has thus far) then certainly that would be the case. I know this tree used to belong to MIL's sister and when her sister got to where she could no longer put the tree up annually .. MIL would travel to her sister's home and do it for her. When the sister died, .. MIL inherited it. And .. eventually MIL got to where she couldn't put it up either, we did so for her. It's really such a simple tree, . maybe 6 feet .. maybe a little more, and a pencil tree, . meaning it's very skinny. But that's what I wanted .. it's been my tree of preference even in my own fake tree I handed over to DD now.
Maybe one day DD or YD will want it, and if it stands the test of the years .. then have at it.
Sad pic this morning, that DD sent me. She'd been over at MIL's .. to take pics and put into cyber space that which she will be selling on MIL's behalf of her home's contents. She took of pic of her 3 kids sitting outside on MIL's now worn and beaten (seen better days) deck out back. Captioned it, .. "lots of good memories made thru the years on this deck in g'ma's b'yard .. kids chasing one another, easter egg hunts .. just talking and laughing and having good times, .. last generation to see it", pic of her kids.
A blow up ensued .. and we'll just say that everyone was in agreement, oldest brother had it coming for letting BB try to circumvent and rule as to her own agenda and how it conflicted with the ongoing festivities there, everyone but our mom, who thinks BB hung the moon.
There's always gotta be a difficult one in any gathering, it seems.
The lawsuit is still pending . and it seems ... I guess . from what I hear (I'm no legalese) .. that the insurance companies are all haggling at all this .. as to who is going to be the one to write a big fat check .. to satisfy all this.
I haven't talked to my dad since I got back in town. Talked to him before I left, and he was "measured" better . .in that he is, at least a little bit, getting in the car with stepmom to go run errands. She does the legwork of errands . he sits in the car. But even that is an improvement over how sick he's been in previous months when he was far too weak to even care to cross the room, much less go get in the car.
I'm presently trying to figure some way to navigate xmas with my dad and stepmom. A real conundrum. Usually we would have him over . for a dinner, and all of me and mine would gather here .. and that way he would get an opportunity to see/visit with me and mine .. and here .. and I'd be the one to prepare the meal (stepmom no longer able to manage that task) ..
But he isn't really able to .. anymore, . climb the 3 steps up to my house .. and then the one step up beyond that, to enter my front door. That's more than he can do now .. and so ... what to do.
It's a tough one to try to figure out. I'd like to, .. it's me that's motivated to try to work my way thru this. He is one who always enjoyed (at least in small snippets) getting to see the littles (my g'kids) and particularly w/their excitement/enthusiasm of xmas. It always brings a smile to his face. So . it's me that's motivated to try to figure this out. It's a tough nut to crack though.
I don't think he can navigate getting into my home anymore. And so you say . "well bake a casserole and all of ya go to his house". Well his wife .. she and her dementia .. she gets offended at that notion . ."why would you come in and *take over* ... ", that kinda thing .. to her .. it's almost a "duty" (one she's no longer up for, she can't process/manage any longer, .. .a task of putting a meal together, stamina is an issue, but also her mind/brain no longer functions to that degree) . .but she's one who considers it almost her "duty" to be accommodating and "responsible" as to having guests in . and part of that would be that SHE prepare the meal.
And yea, it makes sense to all of us who don't have Dementia .. "so you just go pick up a take out meal and haul it in there . or fix a casserole . and haul it there, and go enjoy for a little while". Makes perfect sense. Unless you're talking about someone with Dementia who will argue that as any notion and create a chit show for my dad .. in the consternation that set up will create.
I haven't reached out to my dad for that reason . solely. I need to . kinda find a way in my own mind ..
And how is your father?
So now H will be front and center for any MIL issues. Be prepared to start blocking SIL's texts when she starts micromanaging from afar.
The tree may later become a special keepsake for one of your daughters and you’re the keeper until then,
So sorry you had a “moment” about MILs tree. It is sad. So sad when they have to leave all their beloved things behind.
I hope you and your family will eventually grow to enjoy the tree in your home. I’m sure the tree is gorgeous! Lord only knows how long it took her to find the perfect tree 😉
Try to put a good funny memory with the tree to get you through this year.
🌲 You’ve always loved the tree. Try to find a way to enjoy it. It deserves a good home with you.
So sad (it was surprising to me really, because thru all this I have been the matter of fact one with all of it .. well she can't live alone there anymore, that's the fact . so let's get on with it) .. but .. the sadness just hit me like a ton of bricks... that I wish she were still able to live in her home and enjoy "her things".
Had Christmas music playing as I put up the tree, . got it finished and just sat down and stared at it, in tears.
Hopefully that passes. I gave my tree to DD . who has always wanted a 'real' tree . but caved now that there was a free fake tree to be had ..
If that sentiment doesn't change I may have to pitch what was MIL's tree and get a whole different one. It just, at least right now, brings a lot of sentiment . that I don't welcome.
DD talking today of having gone out there, to take pictures and put out there into cyber space of things to be sold, and that she had a breakdown . of tears . just .. the sadness of it all, . as she put it, "I sat in that living room and I remembered being a kid . and putting on plays for g'ma and g'pa .. as a child .. and so many memories there, and it's all changed . it's .. all picked thru . her things . it's getting more and more barren out there with her things going . .and it's just sad".
Shame it all has to happen right now at xmas time . .but I guess, so be it.
MIL ... apparently (not a surprise) very sad that her daughter was leaving . and said to the daughter's husband, thru tears the other day when they told her they'd be leaving on Tuesday ... said to the daughter, "So you just go back now to IL and live your life, that's how this works?".
Well yea .. that's how it's worked now for 45 years or so. That's not what she said to her mom . .of course . but . sheesh!
Said to the husband of SIL . .. "Why did you have to go after my daughter up in IL and keep her there".
(SIL is a free soul and she didn't have to stay there .. but that's beside the point as to MIL's ability at processing all this .. at this stage of her life). SIL has been in IL for 45 years . went to grad school there, and stayed. So . this isn't anything new . she's been saying g'bye to her daughter as her daughter returns to IL . for many decades now. But I guess . it's just poignantly sad at this point .. in that MIL is at the end of her life . and .. all the sadness of taking her house apart (which MIL has vague awareness is ongoing) .. and her daughter leaving yet again to return to her own life.
MIL now having "some" problems with new roomie. Only that . (we had wondered why is the woman even there, she's sure ambulatory .. doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the woman). But MIL reports that she "talks out of her head sometimes" . and that she also talked to the woman's son about the fact that his mom talks of out her head at times and that the son told MIL . "she has pretty bad dementia . that's why she's here".
I don't know .. I haven't seen it all at work.
But for instance . the other day .. I guess the new roomie began ambling on about needing to leave, .. had a date.
What a shame. MIL not of the cognitive ability herself to decipher . "oh she's out of her mind" .. and just go with it, . and tell the roomie "well have a nice date, see ya later" .. as most of us would do, rather than argue with her. She tried reasoning with her, "No H you don't have a date, your'e not going anywhere .. ", this then addled the roomie who began to argue with MIL .. that she does have a date . she needs to leave.
So .. I guess . maybe roomie does have some problems (all those this is all reported by MIL, so .. validity ..???.. who knows) .. and as a result MIL now experiencing some disconcerting things in the new roomie.
Things on the MIL front.
SIL is gone now, .. she went through (I've never seen anything like it) . do you know the paper work she went thru there .. astounding. She even found the car insurance policy for some 1950's something auto they at one time owned. Why would you keep that paperwork? I have no idea! That 1950's whatever car it was back in the 50's . has long long since been gone . sold .. why still have the auto policy for it.
She found the guest list from MIL's wedding, in 1949. The receipts for various things having to do with SIL's wedding back in 1979. The paperwork SIL went thru and disposed of was absolutely .. astounding .. why would you keep all that?
Unreal! Poor SIL. It was a task that really she had to do . without much help. I would've . .if left in charge . likely thrown out more than I needed to throw out . .having no emotional engtanglement to all the "stuff". Pictures .. pictures and pictures of people that . maybe SIL or DH met at one time as a small child (maybe not) . people they don't even know.
SIL hauled out of there .. numerous DME things .. and hauled those to a local hospice place that takes donations .. and many many many books .. hauled them out of there, including .. must've been like 100 or so cookbooks from various places MIL visited all thru her life and would pick up a cookbook from that area.
I think SIL hit a wall .. when all was said and done. Not to mention the fatigue that comes with all she was doing .. but the emotion of it all. She was just, it was almost like she was "done". She announced all along she'd be leaving to return home to IL .. after Tgiving ... that was no surprise . but never really said "when" after Tgiving. I was down at my brother's when I got a text from her that they had rented a mini van . and were going to take "x, y and z" from there, . .naming things . .and leave on the Tuesday after Tgiving. And they did so, left yesterday .. bringing with her, the few treasures she wanted to hang onto.
We've gone through (but not yet retrieved) the items we want . here in our HH . and she passed along some momentos to DH . as to cards he may have made for his mom and dad when he was a child, for Mother's Day or Father's Day or that kinda thing . and some other momentos having to do with various achievements by the parents in their respective fields of work thru the years.
Several items still to be retrieved from there, that we want, and we'll do so. She had a cousin of her's come and gather and take several things that cousin wanted, . an old humongous antique spinning wheel to name on .. among other things (none of us wanted it).
DD has taken some things from there, and still has some other items to get for her house (an old antique oak kitchen table and chairs for one thing) . and YD wants some things from there, a bed . etc . .. and so we have yet to get some of the things that are remaining . but will be doing so. DD is selling . the items not yet spoken for .. and working on that.
I got MIL's xmas tree and put it up in my house. I've always loved her tree .. and hadn't ever been able to find one like it. She always wanted me to take it . even when she was still in her home . wanting me to enjoy it .. but I wouldn't take it as long as she's was in her home. We'd go if she was home for xmas . the last umpteen years, her unable to do it, and put it up for her . to enjoy it. She always wanted me to take it . but I wouldn't do so .. not while she still lived there. But now she doesn't . and so I did go get that, and put it up and then .. surprisingly . I sat and cried my eyes out.
Yes, it's beautiful . yes I'm glad to have it, and yes she would be happy I have it. But .. just made me so sad .. that was in her house .. and enjoyed by her, and family visiting for a long time . .and it just made me so
DH may also join. Plan "was" that he & myself heading to my youngest brother's for Tgiving. It will now be me. DH is on a huge time sensitive work project and more than likely will, if he's lucky, have a fast burger from some drive thru and choke that down & keep working. If time allows he'll opt to pull off the jobsite, drive to Purgatory... join for Tgiving meal & right back to work he'll go.
Big hotel remodel and they've closed a portion of hotel to customers to get all this work done and in a block of time set aside for same. Him leaving town for a long wknd .. not in the cards.
This will be MIL's first Thanksgiving in a facility? Or was she in the hospital at this time last year?
What are SIL's guilt-driven plans to make her mother's Thanksgiving wonderful? She will probably make a supreme effort, because she will be departing the scene shortly afterwards, correct?
LOL!
Selfish by proxy? Perfectionism?
I don't think *people pleaser* quite covers it. She does do an awe-inspiring amount but not sure it's motivated by the need for recognition/praise & is often trying to manipulate or guilt others into service instead.
My youngest SIL is a little this way... she would walk into the room saying hello to us & directing her DH to do this, do that, do that too for their kids. I couldn't work out if it was about power (his obedience) or anxiety (the kids could starve/fall/misbehave in that 20 seconds walking in the room!) Self appointed Queen of Control.
"NO"
One of the many many reasons I reached the saturation point of "no . not housing her any longer to shelter from storms, she needs to be safely ensconced with her daughter, away from these storm threats .. and not here in our home".
Her daughter, .. yes, without so much as any thought at all ... asking that of us .. "can you get him to sleep in your bed" .. much like all the other craziness that has gone on .. and without any thought whatsoever, as to the impact of these requests on others.
Interestingly enough .. he does wake her . sometimes 2 and 3 x's nightly to go out .. and no, he does not sleep with her. He sleeps on a pallet set aside on her sofa in her living room. Unlike when he lived with MIL . he had a pallet on MIL's bed set aside for him.
Last time SIL was in town, and it was at that time, SIL would be bringing him to her home to live, .. MIL had asked of her daughter "don't bring him anymore, it's too painful for me to see him and know I'll never see him again".
I guess she got over that sentiment, those words haven't been uttered by MIL on this visit from SIL with poochy in tow.
Interesting little tidbit on all that. She left here with him in April . and went home to her house in IL. In the ensuing months, between his special foods .. and his special treats, and his grooming and his vet visits for varying issues .. the whopping total of some $800 plus had been spent.
SIL asking me along the way (as if I have any say-so) "Do you think .. should I inquire of mom's trust account, ... will they allow ... I mean this dog was her dog, and the only reason we have a pet at all, is because we agreed to take him on for her, . but this is costing us out the wazoo here .. his care .. do you think that the trust account would ever consider reimbursement for pet care, is that something they would consider allowable? Do you guys have any problem with my asking for reimbursement .. I mean we did agree to take this on .. but ya know it's not like we were in the market for a pet and decided to take one that is sick and old and costly, but that's what we've got now".
This posed to me a month or so ago in a phone call.
My answer: "I don't care, .. doesn't matter to me . it's MIL's $ .. and .. I guess if the Trust folks allow it .. so be it .. ask your brother, but I assume his answer will be about the same".
She did ask him and his answer was about like mine as I figured it'd be. She checked with the Trust folks, and yes, if she could show proof this pet at one time belonged to MIL (proof is ample in prior vet bills, grooming, .. and specialty foods/treats) .. then no .. they wouldn't have any problem and would reimburse her accordingly, and have done so since then.
Now . only of interest because MIL had a RM . that had some $ sitting in reserve ..
Those $'s were taken and put into a trust account .. as the whole applying for Medicaid began in earnest. It wasn't a lot of $ left . but .. it was set aside, in a trust account for her, and expenditures relating to her, going forward.
So, .. while I kinda knew in the back of my mind . .that yes, this dog is expensive . and no .. MIL doesn't have any $ to keep this dog in the standard in which is required .. I guess she spends her RM $ to keep this dog and all his special needs tended to ...
I guess I kinda knew that in the back of my mind .. but . none of my biz . that's her $ gained from a RM . and she can spend it any way she pleases.
But .. seeing .. the saga with SIL and how fast it was mounting, the expense of it all .. with this dog .. and I just thought .. "wow . what a colossal waste of $ all this has been thru the years . wonder just how much $ she has spent in the 14 years this dog has been on the planet . just how much RM $ was spent in the pure pursuit of keeping this dog and all his special needs satisfied. A LOT . sounds like.
And yes, that was my point . being asked to take on the dog also . .as well as MIL's care . now we were to somehow get the dog to sleep in our bed with us (something we've never condoned . even when we did own a dog, . he had his spot to sleep . but it wasn't in our bed) .. but now we were expected to have the dog sleep with us .. and get up at night to cart him out .. and weather the aftermath of storms .. housing and sheltering a frail old lady ..
No .. no it's way way way too much over the top. Just no.
I didn't know about this. What utter gall of her to suggest that you and/or DH get your sleep constantly interrupted to tend to Poochy's needs. I would have been furious! (I value my sleep.)
From there forward you'd of thought, by MIL's tears and pleas over it all that we were remanding her to the care of an ogre in a dungeon somewhere ... and so the water works were deployed on her part, for months on end .. "this will kill me, to have to leave my home . this is all so unnecessary .. I will be fine right here, . I can weather storms .. I don't need to have to leave here .. this will kill me to have to leave my home, my things .. I don't want to have to do this".
All to DH . for a long while buying all that .. and insistent that I am the ogre in all this .. and we'll just all pitch in . we'll bring her to our house . and we'll all just do the best we can, to my responses of "there is no *we* .. I will be gone .. I'm not staying here to weather another of those events . you can stay . you can shelter your mom . I won't be here".
I guess at that point the tide began to turn for DH and him and MIL's tears and pleas .. and he began to see the light better and turned the corner of .. "yea mom . it's sister's house, not a dungeon .. you'll be with sister .. it's not the end of the world, you'll be fine".
And that's just what happened. Sister didn't get her to get her until the end of August . well into storm season . but fortunately . there'd been no threats .. and so she was carted outta here, and to IL in SIL's care in her home . as of August . and there, in SIL's home is where every ailment that could be conjured up . by the powers that be .. to be thrown onto MIL and in fact, even onto SIL rendering even her, .. useless, as she battled her own health issues . while also needing to care for her mom. Months of that, there in her home .. and then back here, finally .. in February . after having stayed with her there in IL for months . and battling much in the way of infirmities .. through it all.
SIL still even still .. of the mindset . she'd bring her back here .. she and her hubby stay here .. for a bit . then they'd go back to IL all of them ... just jockey back and forth between here and IL . with MIL in her care ..
That's when SIL's hubby had a sister who was dying . and it was thought (mistakenly by SIL) that they'd just board a plane for IL . to go home and get funeral clothing and make the drive over to St. Louis for her hubby's dying sister .. and leave MIL in our care .. as it was said by her, "well I thought family would help so we could do this" and she was reminded, .. "the family you are talking of . is your brother . who works for a living and cannot be her sole support in your absence . and I have told you .. I'm done . she needs more help than I can solely support . and that supposed "team" you guys put in place, . never did come to fruition . so no .. I guess . send your hubby to the funeral . but no ... I don't see how you can go".
Angered her, but I didn't care. That's life when you take on the care of an elderly . f/t .. you think it's manageable . then manage. Was my take on it.
It was then that MIL came down with what turned out to be a UTI .. one that rendered her suddenly (now at home) unable to communicate . they thought she'd had a bad stroke or some something . she was not responsive at all. Rescue summoned, hospitalized .. UTI found . and treating that, then .. she fell in the hospital and broke her hip . and it was then that SIL said "I can't do this .. I can't keep doing this .. it's bigger than me .. ".
And so work towards placement at that point ..
So yes, it has been an enormous struggle and one that has caused me many times to even question what's wrong with me ... why am I so heartless ... it must be me .. caused me to question .. what's wrong with "THEM" that they don't see what I see ... that this all so hopelessly too much .. why can't "THEY" see that, .. 'why won't they listen to me'.
All of it culminating to this day to more gadgets and top spinning and rabbit holes . that will never case, I'm sure.
or maybe just their phones are out, do one of you have time to run by there just to see if they're open . she really needs to get to that appt .. and let them do a chest xray and see if we can find out what's going on with her nasty cough .. but I can't get them to answer the phones .. is everything closed there?".
Bear in mind .. this is at a time, when we have our own yard debris scattered a foot thick outside, and tree limbs down .. and no power, .. and living like pioneers .. and .. it's hot .. and humid .. no matter where you go .. no way to get cooled off.
And yes, even grocery stores, were closed .. likely the doc office was too.
It was at that point that I did lose it with her, .. "SIL .. you're going to have to stop .and take a moment to think about someone besides your mother .. do you ever .. do you ever think of anyone but her and what her wants are .. because I'm here to tell you . we have our hands full here . and whether or not her yard gets cleaned . or her doc appt gets seen to, . or her dog needs in or out .. is . .so off my radar at this moment .. stop .. stop and think of others for a change".
You would have thought, honestly, those words would give one pause .. and maybe some consideration for . "gee, what am I doing here, I've spun myself into such a frenzy here worrying about my mom . that I'm over burdening these people that are doing the best they can, I'm so sorry . yes I'll back off".
Nope.
Didn't change it. Not one bit.
It was then that I decided, .. and yes, partly because I don't cope well . so partly it's on me .. I just don't live like a pioneer and do it with much grace and poise. I just don't, that's me.
I decided, never again ... will I house her here .. for shelter from a storm .. if DH doesn't see it my way then he can manage her and I'll head for the hills . I'll be outta here the next time a storm is approaching .. not gonna do it again. It's bad enough just weathering the aftermath of it all (for me personally) .. and then add into it the frenzy that SIL is . calling from afar . and managing an elderly frail old lady that can't ambulate well enough to help herself with much of a damn thing . in those conditions. Nope . not gonna do it again, ever. If DH feels strongly that she can shelter here . then he can man the ship .. I'll bail outta here.
It was then that I got . and pushed the agenda with every fiber of my being . that MIL needs to be carted out of FL .. during storm months . and safely ensconced in IL . where these tropical storms aren't an issue ..
A wildly unpopular view .. from all involved. "But we never know if a storm is gonna come . it's not like we can look at the calendar in June and say . oh lookie there .. yep in September there's gonna be a bad one . better make sure she's outta here . we don't know . some years we go and there are no storms for years and years . that's unfair to make her uproot when we don't know ..".
Very true . but I was no interested, not even one little bit of weathering all that again . e.v.e.r. I don't care if we don't know that a storm will or won't come . as far as I'm concerned, she can be carted outta here for what is storm season . and for us . that encompasses about June through the beginning of November .. and so . she needs to be safely in her daughter's care at that time. Don't wanna do that .. fine by me . but count me outta here . in the event a storm begins bearing down . evacuate your mom to here, to shelter her . but you're on your own . I won't be here".
DH with his .. "But I have to work . that's not fair Dorker .. If I'm able to get out and about and go to work, that's where I have to be . and you go bail outta here, who's here to help mom?".
Don't know, don't care .. she needs to be safely in IL with her daughter, you don't agree with that, .. then see to it all however you see fit, not doing it again.