I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Oh and forgot to mention as part of the pages of rant earlier, .. MIL .. maybe since SIL was on scene here with all her spinning whirligigs and Mary Poppins never ending bag of endless whatevers ... MIL maybe spoiled a bit.
MIL lamenting endlessly to DH about how "worthless SIL's husband is" ... That their whole lives .. all of it, . .as she puts it, is "on SIL, it's all on her, he is worthless .. I just know she's going to keel over and die .. since it's all on her, all of it .. and he will go on living".
Very resentful of SIL's husband. Very. That's nothing new . it's just that it doesn't really get cloaked in any kindness now that her filters are gone.
As I've described before of SIL and her husband ... he suffers from some pretty debilitating Bipolar Disorder, and as such is so heavily medicated that he is .. kinda .. like a piece of furniture .. just a stationary object. He does interact, if spoken to . but that's about it. He is a super wonderful nice guy . and SIL loves him ..
This has been their plight for now many decades and she has, indeed, taken it on . .all of it .. that's not a lie.
But he is not "worthless" as MIL would define him. He balances their checkbook routinely .. he pays their bills .. he takes care of poochy that they inherited from MIL ... he runs errands .. he cleans the kitchen . after dinner nightly .. does .. within limits . .what SIL tells him to do.
And not only that .. they have a good time together in spite of his illness. They like to go to Art Museums and maybe some musical performances . they've enjoyed (in the past) some travel ... they do enjoy doing things together .. it's not like this is someone bed bound and has to have his diapers changed and spoon fed his meals . and doesn't at all engage in life as we know it, far from it.
Aside from what MIL would define it .. it's not that bad. Yes, .. all decisions .. as to the many many things that go on as to home repairs, auto repairs .. so on .. all of it . .kinda falls to her to see about .. things that require anything in the way of heavy lifting . i.e. . go down to the basement and bring up the box with the xmas tree so we can put that up . that's on her to do .. He does have some very real limits to what he's capable of doing .. so SIL does a LOT .. that is absolutely the truth . but he is not as she would define him "worthless".
This has been ongoing for years and years . her feelings about him and his shortcomings resulting from his illness.
Even when MIL was younger and brain more able to process it all . even then she had a real distaste for how the picture looks as to SIL and her hubby's world . and how it all falls on SIL . and .. how his lack of .. oh .. abilities anymore, have afforded them a life that they have few friends .. and it's all on her.
We used to dispute that when MIL would bring it up and try to counter it .. but . that stance of her's rearing it's ugly head again these days. DH telling his mom is on that tear again .. how "worthless" SIL's husband is . that she is gonna keel over dead from having to be all things in that setting . and he'll go on living.
I said to DH: Ya know, it sounds to me like your mom sees him as someone standing in the way of servitude by your sister .. were it not for him . she's probably convinced your sister would take on the task of attending to her . and f/t .. and she'd move on down here . and SIL could take this on.
DH: "Very much so yes . and I resent her acting that way ..... B is not worthless, but it's pointless to argue that with her . it's gone on for years . and years . it just . it gets worse and worse now and there's no convincing her'.
You are one of the most relatable posters on this site! I never fail to giggle when I read your wonderful down to earth experiences.
Honestly, you should write a book. I’d be first in line to buy it. Not just for practical advice but for the laughs too!
Love ya, Mid
Take care 💗
”hey Dorker I was thinking. Can someone go by the cemetery and make sure there’s no dust or direct on the headstone. And bring some fresh peonies. Those were mothers favorite flowers and i think she’d like some”.
”hey Dorker can you go out to the cemetery and throw away the dead flowers and take down the Easter trinkets I left last time I was here & store them for me. And I was thinking, 4th of July is coming up, can you decorate MILs spot and make it patriotic for the 4th? She’d like that”.
its never gonna end. She’s gonna find things to complain about and want Dorker and H to go down to the cemetery to complain about this and that. The grass around the grave needs to be cut. The headstone is forever getting dirty. Vases and mementos are disappearing. Always gonna be something....
shes gonna micromanage everything about her mother until she herself is on a cloud
MIL is not going to live forever, what is everyone going to DO and talk about once she's gone??
My MIL AND Mother are both in bad shape and it's likely that this is their last Christmas. I am not making a huge fuss for either of them. I organized the group gift and let my DH and my YB set them up. (SKYLIGHTs--they're going to love them). If I don't organize a gift, they don't get one. I have no sad feelings about that--and actually hope that both can pass with dignity in their time.
It could very likely be your dad's last Christmas and possibly MIL's. We can choose to be sad or accept that this is life and things happen that we don't like.
Too much fuss is made of tradition and celebration. We do the best we can, and let the rest roll off our backs. I refuse to let one day of the year ruin the rest of the year b/c somebody 'let me down'.
Enjoy your 'littles'. Enjoy MIL as much as is possible and try to enjoy the season. (Though quite frankly, without SNOW I don't know how you can do that!! we got a couple inches last night--so festive (and slippery).
Sorry SIL is such a pain. She's just being her. Go back to grey-rocking her if you want. You'll be less angry if you go no-contact. Or you choose your choice of how much to talk to her. She sure seems to be a trigger for you.
I think for your MIL, death may be a sweet release. I know for my daddy, it was. My FIL fought the good fight, but in the end, we all die.
Maybe that's on my mind a lot this year as I beat cancer and have this second chance to be 'somebody' better.
You're doing as much as you can and then some. Try to have a nice holiday in spite of the sadness you feel as you watch your LO's age in place.
She didn't leave here until right after Tgiving .. and she had to be here, to go thru papers and so forth and rid the home of the things she wanted to take, . as well as have the home somewhat livable .. while here, as that's where she wanted to stay (had an invite to stay here) .. so she could work there, ,when not seeing her mom .. and work to clear the home of things .. and so .. the home had to be somewhat inhabitable while she was here.
She departed here a few days after Tgiving .and at that time .. DH was unable to even go with me to my brother's for Tgiving .too many work constraints . and so he had no time . to go out there and begin the process of taking things out of there, . and coordinating it also with YD . who also had to have the time between she and her b'friend to go .. and rent a Uhaul and get the things they want .. and to a storage unit .. and right here at xmas time when we all have many things pulling at our time/energy.
And so now SIL is pushing for "when will the new property taxes begin to accrue .. is that in January? I just don't want mom to have to pay for more property taxes .. as the house continues being in her name .. need to get it turned back over to RM company".
To the point I have texted back to her, "you didn't leave here til after Tgiving . and when you did it was a time that DH was unable to even have any semblance of a Tgiving working right thru it, so he obviously had no time at all to dispense with what remains at your mom's house and now xmas is upon us . .and so .. getting the house turned over before the start of a new year, is not likely going to happen .. we're all busy and doing the best we can . but .. it probably will be after January before that juncture, is my best guess".
And to clarify a little bit on the xtra funding for a private room . it is SIL's assumption also as to funding it .. that indeed may be the case eventually . .but . .. MIL does have in a trust acct . the funds left over from her RM .. it's not a lot . and is dwindling .. all the time .. as requests for to that Trust company to pay for things like . the car insurance that insures the car that was MIL's .. that needed to be at SIL's disposal while here, so she could run back and forth to visit the NH .. the property taxes that were due on Nov 1 .. on a home MIL no longer resides in . but .. yet . has not yet been emptied . thus still in her name, still property taxes due on it . and paid via trust acct .. the new clothing that SIL thought MIL would need, and new shoes .. all put on a cc MIL owns . and when the bill comes in ... a request to the Trust company to pay the cc bill ... requests that go out once a month to the trust company for funding in a personal acct at Purgatory for MIL to have her hair done weekly .. so forth and so on.
It's not a lot of $ left over from the RM but sits in a trust acct .. and so . it is dwindling ..
But SIL also under the assumption those funds would be utilized to cover private room and I guess when that exhausts . then is when DH and SIL both kick in and split the difference as to funding a private room going forward.
I don't think it's gonna be the bandaid she thinks it will. DH didn't think a lot of it either . but as you've all seen through the years of all this . let me shout it because it's so frustrating ...
THESE PEOPLE DO NOT TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/nursing-home-costs/amp/
https://aspe.hhs.gov/report/understanding-medicaid-home-and-community-services-primer-2010-edition/enabling-medicaid-beneficiaries-pay-room-and-board
and you know what? I’d have hubby donate the rollator and let SIL think it’s in DDs storage. She’ll never know otherwise. The nerve of her badgering DD. Honestly I’m petty AF and I would have told her sure I’ll store it for you but you have to help pay the monthly storage fee!
Barb I did tell her that, ... "no DH says we are not storing it . and in fact, . he questions the validity of hanging onto it as she'll never walk again". That's when she was coming back with "the PT person said for me to hang onto it" and I countered that with "DH says if she gets to that point, we'll go get another one at a thrift store, like we did with the one you're talking about .. and that same PT person told me, in person . that a rollator for MIL is not in the cards .. her balance issues . that thing will get out in front of her and her not able to compensate and she'd be in the floor .. that same PT person said that to me .. so not sure why they want it hung onto".
She didn't "hear me".
I already told her we aren't interested in storing it (we do have room .. we could put it on a shelf in our garage . but why ..??). There isn't room for it, is what I told her, that didn't stop her. Told her it's unanimous here that she will never walk again, never use it, to SIL countering the PT person wants her to hang onto it.
Whirligigs . spinning tops ..
https://sverdlovlaw.com/lawyer/2015/11/22/Medicaid/Can-relatives-supplement-Medicaid-covered-nursing-home-care-by-paying-for-private-nurses-and-private-rooms_bl21129.htm
Also I think Medicare would pay for a new rollator walker someday if MIL's doctor prescribes one. MIL's nursing home might appreciate donation of a used walker if it's in very good shape.
She needs to be told "no, we can't possibly do that". "Why would we want to save that?". "That's a foolish way to think about 'things'. They are, after all, just " things".
Time to stop being the intermediary between SIL and everyone else. Maybe it's time to just ignore her texts?
Reminds me of how my MIL used to "volunteer" me to host traveling friends of hers over night at our house, to knit a baby sweater for someone i didn't know for MIL to give at a shower, to contribute $$ to people i didn't know for MIL to include as a wedding gift.... on and on..... Pestering & calling me and DH until one of us cracked and said yes.
Your SIL is a very pushy person - she needs to be told "back the F off!!!"
that SIL had asked if she collapses it . can it fit .. and that I'd told her no . that her storage unit is full.
YD: I know mom she's been blowing my phone up with texts asking me the same thing ... Im just gonna tell her yes . I do have room .. I'll collapse it and put it in w/my things in storage .. it's not worth all this hassle . it's stupid .. g'ma will never use it again . but she's not gonna shut up . so whatever .. I'll go get it, collapse it and put it in my storage unit .. whatever".
So all this yes my rant . from the last few days ..
Unbelievable . and DD termed it exactly .."she needs to get a frickin life". Indeed she does . but it ain't gonna happen . As long as her mom's alive she will breathe every breath she can in the service to all the things to right her mom's world and directing all those she can to that path .. and that's how it is with her.
Just unreal. Just unfrickin real!
store the rollator walker in our garage for your mom on he hope she will one day get back to being able to use it".
DH: (look of in-credulousness on his face, my thoughts exactly) .. "WHAT?!?!?!?!?! No .. she's never gonna walk again . .what in the name of H377 is SIL thinking no .. no I don't have room in my garage to store that in the hopes that she'll be able to use it again one day . no .. tell her no .. that if she gets to the point again .. then we'll buy another one like we did with that one, at a thrift store .. not gonna find room for that in my garage no .. tell her no".
So because those are my sentiments precisely . I think it's beyond stupid to consider trying to "Store" a rollator walker that it's likely will never see any use at MIL's hands ever again .. and to even think such is a whirligig pipe dream of spinning tops . SIL is so good at ..
I did answer to that one as her myriad of texts that came in .. after I'd already told her that I would be unavailable for the day . and I was . unavailable . she didn't get any response from me . til last night. "Oh and the rollator walker . DH says no . no room in our garage . we'll cart it to the thrift store .. ".
OMG .. to that . she then answered: "Oh I hate to have to get rid of that, the PT person told me to hang onto it ... (who knows the origin of that conversation .. maybe it was somewhat like the conversation had in IL . wherein I had tried to get SIL to put her mom in a rehab setting post hospitalization . and she negated that and brought her home and the said the nurse concurred with that . as rehabs are germ filled and sad places . a conversation that's talking points were likely spurred by precisely the agenda suitable to SIL and her whirligigs and whims) .. so who knows why a PT person there at Purgatory told SIL to hang onto the rollator walker .. I know at one time that same PT person told me .. in person that a rollator walker is a pipe dream of probably never for MIL . those wheels on that thing . and her balance issues .. that thing get out in front of MIl and away from her, . she doesn't have the balance to compensate and she'd be in the floor no . a rollator not in the cards for her. But accd'g to SIL she's been advised by that same PT person . to hang onto that rollator.
So her answer to our want to house it . was to then respond with : "Oh I hate to have to loose that, the PT person told me to hang onto it .. I know when I've been there and seen mom on a walker, she is moving alone at a pretty good clip . not a rollator but she is using a walker when they work with her .. I hate to have to loose that .. I know when I took in the other one like it, to the thrift store there . they were so happy to get it . said they don't come across those good ones very much .. those are hard to find ... those good ones . can you ask if YD has room in her storage unit for it".
SIGH .. OMG
YD happened to be here ... so when she next crossed my path . I asked her: "Oh YD .. SIL wants to know if you have room in your storage unit for the rollator walker thing".
YD a look of also in-credulousness ... "what? No .. well yes, I mean I can put it in there, there's room for it . but no .. just no .. I don't wanna have to deal with that .. she's never gonna use that again mom . what in the h377 . what's that about . why does SIL think she'll use that again .. ".
Me: "SIL says the PT person told her to hang onto it".
YD: "No .. no ... I don't wanna deal with it, tell her my storage unit is full".
Me answering back to SIL: "YD says her storage unit is crammed full and no room for the rollator".
SIL: "Oh man .. can she collapse it and then it'll fit . .. maybe if she collapses it".
By the time I got this return text from SIL . YD was gone .. she and her b'friend left.
So I texted YD .. asked her to call me .. when she did . I told her what SIL had said to her refusal to store it . no room ..
those silver piece that go with the silver service mom gave her years ago .. she might want those and shouldn't sell them . if you'd ask her since you'll be with her".
Didn't ask DD who yes, I was with . but DD got her own separate text while with me on that same topic and no . does not want those silver pieces . and answered her on that .. but expressed her annoyance at SIL who was also questioning her at the same time on a sewing machine desk (old style . that MIL has .. a question exists as to the sewing machine that once lived inside that desk ... DD maintains that sewing machine was taken out of the desk years ago and given to OD . by MIL .. and yet YD is to get the desk that no longer has a sewing machine as part of it .. and only the desk . and so SIL questioning and debating the finer points on that topic in texts to DD . as we traveled to the Nutcracker performance in the car, and DD growing more and more annoyed with her auntie (SIL) .. DD's words: "She needs to get a frickin life .. MY GOD".
I never responded to her .. at all .. went on with my day. If DH goes to see his mom and she eats all the candy right there in front of him .. so be it .. if he hands the paperwork to the janitor .. so be it .. if he took the rollator and tossed it out for garbage ... so be it ... if he scoffs at heat/ac issues and phone issues as anything he needs to address, so be that also .. I didn't address any of it, .. with her, or with DH . went on with my day.
Didn't answer as to the sewing machine debacle . or the silver pieces as to DD and doesn't she want that . I simply ignored it all.
WHEN I next saw DH was last night .. after all the day's events were done with.
I asked him if he'd gone to see his mom and yes he had and no it wasn't good at all . her in a sad sad place .. and asking of him the same questions he says he tires of hearing that he has been asked about a million times by his mom and has answered but has no answers for "what is to become of me, what is my future .. ". He said it was a terribly depressing visit with her . her not in a good place at all . .. complaining of H .. and her so unpredictable . that he said he answered to "mom you've got to leave her alone . you anger her searching her out .. leave her be" .. DH's words "Ive' told her this about a billion times .. I need to save my breath . goes in one ear and out the other".
To my response to him: "Well . your sister is now checking on a private room for your mom ... wants to check on whether that is possible and the cost if it is ... said she thinks it's gonna run about $500 monthly and I guess you and she will split the cost of that . so she doesn't have to deal with other roomies and all that comes with it".
To that he grimaced and said: "I wish she'd not do that ... mom isn't right .. she creates her own problems .. she doesn't do it on purpose . but she doesn't think right . her brain doesn't' work right . she's gonna have problems no matter what the setting . and all .. of her own accord usually .. it's sad she has to live in that place at this stage of her life and all the sadness that surrounds it all .. but it is what it is . getting her a private room . yea she'll not have a roomie and I disagree w/that .. but .. she's gonna have problems . doesn't matter where she is".
He goes on to tell me .. "ya know . it was a pitiful visit . really was . a sad sad one . and that K (her former roomie she got moved away from) told her that these people she goes and tries to strike conversation with don't like her, they wish she'd leave them alone . and so mom told me "I try to be helpful and talk to these people . and K tells me to leave them alone . that they don't like me . so I guess I can't even do that".
He said he told his mom: "Mom why do you listen to K .. she doesn't own the place .. do what you want . don't worry with what K tells you .. ".
Me: "Oh your sister . did she talk to you . she wants us to store the
Like you've told her, MIL is going to complain and she isn't going to remember this afternoon what in the heck she was complaining about this morning, nor is she going to have the mental faculties to call and let staff know when she needs help. Sadly, it's just somewhat normal behavior with dementia. SIL hasn't come to terms with that part yet.
Well known MIL didn't want to stay in IL .. "not her kinda people there" whatever that's supposed to mean . she wanted to be back in FL. Well you don't live in FL . and intrinsic in that set up is that she is now dependent upon those of us who do live here, but wear other hats . other than "Fix MIL's every whim/want on a moment's notice". If you want it better for her, then .. feel free to find suitable set up in your corner of the world and get her moved up there .. or sell your home and move here ..
GAWD it sent me into a rage. All of it.
So then yesterday .. in an effort to head off any further texting coming from her, in the form of "Do you know if DH is going to see mom today" ... because I knew it'd be coming and yes it's always an option to ignore texts from her, which I ultimately did do yesterday afternoon. I knew I had a full day on tap . church in the morning, then run home, change clothes, grab a bite of lunch .. go pick up DD and kids and go to the Nutcracker Ballet performance . then dinner out afterwards . I wouldn't have a minute to spare. So I texted SIL before I went to church
Me: "Just a heads up .. I'm on the way out to church . . going to have a full day today .. between church and the Nutcracker .. and won't have a chance to talk to you . DH is going to see his mom at some point after church ... he knows to check on the AC/heat thing and her phone . and I've left out for him . a tin of candies that I made, to give to her . maybe that'll lift her sad spirits some . and a put a few oranges with it . for him to give to her . since she never gets anything but a banana on her food trays .. and he knows .. I left it with the other stuff ... give her paperwork as to her upcoming doc appts that landed here .. give that paperwork to the nurse desk . he knows .. it's left with what else is to go that way".
I texted that to SIL .. then shut my phone off and went to church.
When I got out of church and picked up my phone . here's the return text from her ... now didn't I already state that I would have a busy day in front of me, and no chance to talk to her . didn't I clearly state that .. it gets ignored . and her response: "Oh okay .. well .. maybe you need to tell him to caution mom not to eat all that candy in one setting . you know how she is . she's like a kid .. (I didn't send that much . that it should be a problem ... I'm not an idiot . and if she does eat it all in one setting . whose to stop her, even cautioning her not to do so . so be it . why worry with that) .. she goes on .. "yes tell him to give that paperwork for the doc appts to "M" the head nurse on weekends .. that's the person he should give it to. Oh and do you know . did they take the rollator walker, I left it at mom's in her bedroom . we probably need to hang onto that ... can you guys store that ... the PT person at Purgatory told me to hang onto it .. and so .. I left it there at mom's in her bedroom . did you guys do anything with that . can you guys store that in your garage for her .. in the hopes one day she'll be able to use that again".
This was the text waiting for me after I got out of church . where I'd already stated that I would have a busy day and be unavailable to talk to her, .. and I didn't respond .. I purposely ignored all of it.
NO I didnt' reach out to DH .. "hey tell your mom not to eat all the candy in one setting .. oh and hey ... can you ck on that AC/heat . don't forget . and that phone there at Purgatory .. oh and that paperwork . here's a note from your sister, it has to be given specifically only to "M" head nurse on wknds . and so hunt "M" down and give it to only him".
Nope . .. did none of the above . went on with my already too slated out day . and didn't respond at all.
She texted me later .... also ignored ... "Oh I know you'll be with DD today .. I saw she'd posted for sale . those pewter pieces of mom's .. that she's selling that . doesn't she want those silver
go out on the hunt, in her wheelchair, looking for H's whereabouts . and eventually find her and with a "oh there you are, I was worried about you .. haven't seen you in hours" .. all to H biting back .. "Why do you worry with me, leave me be . don't bother me" . to which MIL takes/perceives as H is too unpredictable these days .. and SIL buying into that . .that her poor mom at this stage of her life having to navigate the waters w/her own impaired thinking of a setting where H is so unpredictable (SIL now on the page to try to dial down on . is a private room available there . how long is the wait list . what is the cost .. can DH and I split it .. if the cost isn't too high . to get her into a private room) .. her poor mom .. in her last days on this earth so unhappy in a setting where some guy in a wheelchair has a medical emergency and staff .. all hands on deck to work on him . and someone passed away only moments ago .. and it's just a sad sad state for her to have to live in . and so unhappy.
IMO ... MIL makes her own problems (not knowingly . she can't help it . she too is compromised mentally ... dementia of her own . and so you can't "Fix" it . not by giving her a private room in even her own palace . nothing is going to "fix" it .. she makes her own problems . she's going on the hunt for H .. and it annoys H who bites back at her for her doing so . and this gets somehow written in stone that H is too unpredictable ... and so poor poor mom .. at the mercy of all this.
W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R.
You just wanna say . 'ya know . you nor your mom are gonna be happy until she has a cadre of personal servants .. that none of us can afford . and someone to socially engage with all day long . to her liking . you can't afford that for her, she can't afford that for her . we can't . and so .. G.E.T. O.V.E.R. I.T.!!!!!!!!!!!!
MO ... their mom, in this setting . which is yes sad . when contrasted against those in our periphery afforded the luxury of being a lot more able bodied and yes in their 90's and living alone and managing relatively okay doing so . yes .. that would be optimal. But for whatever the reasons . the fates didn't hand her that path .. that's the fact. Yes we know of some in our periphery in their 90's still living alone and managing relatively okay .. but that isn't their mom . that's not an option for her . for many many many reasons a main one, ... she's wheelchair bound folks ... not to mention her other issues that impede her ability to live alone . and not have to be "in a setting" that is so sad and so much despair.
I know it's tough .. particularly this time of year .. the holidays upon us . and her existence one of .. the slumpers she so despises .. her existence one of the "unpredictability of H" (at the root of that is MIL causing her own problems at least IMO) ... at the whim of staff who . maybe aren't the paid servants SIL would have to solve at a moment's notice any and all hiccups along the way, just all of it. I know it's sad . I agree .. but c'mon on! Get a grip on it all .. enough already.
Was enough to send me into a rage .. SIL with all her beckoning of what can be done for her poor poor mom and where is DH can't he go and "fix" the world accdd'g to MIL.
MO also on that topic ... there is no one in this world that will step to the beat of the SIL drum accd'g to her mom's wants/whims than SIL . she will step and step and keep stepping higher and higher and faster and faster . and has shown that through the years . and somewhat an expectation that others do the same .. and . so when that doesn't happen to the beat of the drum she's banging .. it kinda is problematic for her. So . you want any and all whims/wants addressed on a moment's notice . irregardless of other responsibilities we all live daily . then move here . your mom had the choice to stay in IL and for a suitable setting there . and you could've been at her beckon call to solve all things MIL
doesn't like that specific CNA, says she's not very friendly. Says her room is too cold for a shower .. feels like she's parked next to an iceberg. And besides that she's trying to spend more time "out" of her room these days . says that H (new roomie) is too unpredictable .. her dementia .. she has become very unpredictable (referring to H) .. and so she tries to stay clear of H as much as she can .. it's just a really hard time for her right now . she's really struggling . sad time ... Was hoping DH was planning to go by and visit her .. maybe try to lift her spirits .. maybe look into what's going on with her heat/ac . see if staff are attending to that issue .. maybe check on her phone . talked to her yesterday but haven't been able to reach her today .. all day . phone rings and rings and rings . never answers it.
Goes on to add: "I just hate it that she has to spend her last days so unhappy and in this setting with all the sadness that surrounds it all .. wish it could be different"
This is what resulted from my having sent her a pic of the dining table and chairs now housed at my house.
I had already answered what my knowledge is as to whether DH intends to go that way to see his mom . and no, . not to my knowledge that wasn't on his radar but call him .. was my answer to her, then followed the diatribe of all that's wrong in the MIL universe.
I answered her again: "Not to my knowledge no . sounds like they've got quite the task gathering what belongs to YD . and getting that to the storage unit . and I don't know how long they have that Uhaul rented . maybe they have to turn it back in this afternoon later not sure . so I'm sure they're trying to get that all tackled .. and pretty sure DH isn't heading that way to see MIL .. not today .. but call him and ask if you want .. and ... maybe check with staff . put in a phone call to them about the heat/ac . and maybe have them check her phone ... like you've done before when she doesn't answer all day".
SIL: "She said yesterday when I talked to her, that she'd let them know about the AC and heat issue and they'd been in and out working on it . the maintenance people .. and I haven't called about the phone . just figured I'll reach her at some point .. I guess .. and if not . if DH is going that way maybe he can figure out what's going on with the phone and maybe light a fire under the staff on that heat/ac issue . but also since she's so down in the dumps . but sounds like he has a lot to do .. maybe he'll go tomorrow???"
Me answering her: "Yea I would guess so .. don't really know ... I know that me and DD and kids are going to the Nutcracker Ballet . and so . what he does tomorrow after church . up to him . my guess is yea . that's probably something he'll do but call and ask him, not sure".
Now my take, which I don't even argue anymore or counter balance, don't even attempt.
The piece that H has become too unpredictable ... GOOD LORD. H .. has shown her ire a few times to MIL . and this is borne out of .. as H has shared with DH in a visit or three or four there .. H gets sick of it . that MIL overly concerns herself with H's whereabouts. MIL has dementia also . and so trying to tell MIL ... "don't WORRY WITH H AND HER WHEREABOUTS LEAVE HER BE!", it does no good.
H it turns out has some dementia .. and so has gotten lost a time or three, ambling about the site there and had to be escorted back to her room by staff . and also going on as to H . and MIL .. MIL has taken it upon herself for whatever the reason (as I've said of MIl all thru the years . she always has thought of herself as the saviour to the world's problems and going to salvage or "fix" whomever, whatever . and sometimes she needs to Mind her own Dam BIZ .. and that's been the case for as long as I've known her, not new. But that character trait of her's . lives on . even in this setting). H will get out and gone .. and not back to the room . and MIl will
heretofore, I've utilized as my dining table, for decades . a dining table that was actually made by DH's dad eons ago . and he did a stellar job w/it .. was quite the craftsman. It was never really suitable all these years in that it wasn't big enough to seat all that encompass my brood anymore. But ... for sentimental reasons that's what we did . we used that as our dining table, for decades.
Now, now that MIL's home is being cleared, her nice huge (seats 8 comfortably) dining table to become ours.
They carted the old dining table out (YD wants the old one, intends to move out within the next few months . and she has inherited some things in the way of furniture and incidental pieces and has secured a storage unit for same). She and her b'friend carted the decades old dining table and chairs out to the storage unit and DH and son in law carted in the inherited dining table and chairs from MIL's house.
Once the luncheon was over and everyone gone. I took a pic on my phone and shot it to SIL to show her the dining table now lives at our house, fits nicely etc.
She texted back: "So glad you guys got it, it looks great there".
She then went into . (I guess I opened the door in having reached out period) . but she then went into the long diatribe that is her mom .. at present.
Texting me back that she'd been trying to reach her mom all day .. wondered if something was wrong with the phone, can't reach her, no answer .. all day this has gone on. Went into, .. the last she'd talked to her mom . the day before, .. the room was too cold .. something must be wrong with the heat/ac ... it's too cold in her room . she's having to wear a coat and sit with any blanket she can find .. and ... wanted to know was DH planning to go that way at any point .. since her heat/ac is obviously on the fritz and she's not sure how attentive staff is being to that task . and the phone .. maybe he could figure out what's going on with the phone if he's going by there.
I answered her as such: "Not that I know of .. we finished w/the luncheon for my dad and all have left .. but they then went, .. all of them . back to the task of clearing more things from your mom's house. that china cabinet for one thing . that thing is heavy . and that's to be YD's . she wants it .. so DH has gone out there to help them with some heavier pieces and get it all to the storage unit . YD has a Uhaul rented for the afternoon . to move some of the bigger stuff into storage . and so son in law is there, as is DH . and all of them working to do that .. I don't think it's on his radar to go see his mom this afternoon . but you can call and ask him if you want".
Her response to that: "She's just really struggling right now, really in a bad mood, down in the dumps a lot . it's a bad time for her really .. I mean earlier today she'd gone to a Bingo game . and I guess some guy there in a wheelchair had an emergency of some sort, and staff having to work on him . right there . and then the staff had told them that someone died there, like 10 mins before (I find that hard to believe, . that staff would announce such . in fact, I know for a fact they generally try to keep all that on the down low . as best they can .. but apparently accd'g to SIL . .staff announced to the population there that so and so had died about 10 mins earlier, whatever) .. so .. between the guy in the wheelchair that had some kinda medical emergency . and the death of one of the other residents . and she feels like she's just been dumped there, that nobody cares about her . she probably got really spoiled with me there for 3 weeks coming to see her all the time, and keeping things organized for her, and looking after things".
She goes on to say ... in another paragraph: "She's lost her pj top .. can't find it .. one of the staff there had come to give her a shower and she didn't want a shower, said she'd had one on Wednesday ... and she doesn't like that specific
Thank goodness for DD's husband and YD's b'friend, both of whom were here, at my request, .. to help get my dad up the 3 steps it takes to get "into" my home. Nobody had to literally physically lift him .. but they sure did have to take it very slow and one on each elbow and steady him as his frail boney legs took each step up and into the house.
Once inside, the walker ready for him . and he was then okay . and got into my den (which is one step down) steadying against his walker, to take the step down into the den. And then .. the rest of the time was pleasurable. Until time to go . which was almost more treacherous than getting "in" the house, was now to get "down" the stairs to be able to get out into the d/w and into their car.
We all survived it, . in the end, I'm glad we did it .. I would think my dad also is happy with the fact he'd undertaken the endeavor of trying to do this, .. really a pretty monumental effort on his part, . since he can't get around too well.
CTTN, there is .. at least in MO . an enormous difference, in having MIL here and my dad. MIL is bound to a wheelchair .. my dad is not. My doorways in my home haven't been reconstructed to accommodate the width needed for wheelchair entry and exit. How she would get .. for instance, into my hallway . past a doorway that isn't side enough . in her wheelchair, .. and then once in the hallway . .and now past the doorway to the entry in the bathroom, is beyond me.
She'd have to be carried I would suppose.
Where she resides in Purgatory . she routinely wheels herself into the bathroom (doorways wide enough for same) . against the counsel of staff there, who'd rather she ring for help (she doesn't) .. and there, once inside the bathroom it's a mighty struggle but she does it, grabbing onto grab bars I don't have .. to get herself up and out of the wheelchair and rotated and xfer'd to toilet seat which is also ADA (mine is not) in height.
Having said all that, . a week or so ago, DH threw out there that he'd like to have his mom come for Xmas day ... if she's agreeable (thus far, she is not agreeable to that .. doesn't want to do so). I told him at the time, and I stand by it, .. "fine by me, but how you'll get her toileted and around this house with doorways not wide enough for a wheelchair, is beyond me" . and I left it at that.
He did ask her, if she'd like to come to our home on xmas day and her answer (thus far) has been .. "don't worry with me . it's too much for me to have to do".
I don't know, he never did answer me, as to how he'd ambulate her around this house navigating doorways that don't accommodate a wheelchair ... but .. if that's what he think he needs to do, then he can figure out the logistics of it all. So yea . I invited my dad here for a xmas luncheon . he able to ambulate on a walker .. and that was successful . and so .. if I'm going to invite him . then DH should be able to invite his mom . and so be it.
On another note with it all .... a rant here. These past few days.
The MIL home still being cleared of the things SIL didn't want . and the things already spoken for by the rest of us. SIL home now in IL, having taken that which she was interested in . and cleared the home of decades of paperwork . and many other non-essentials . books out the wazoo for instance, cookbooks but also just books and more books.
But the home still had some things that are to be "sold" . just furniture that nobody really wants or needs . and other items that are spoken for as to myself and DH . and DD .. and YD .. so forth.
On the morning that I was to have dad and all my family here I sent DH and the son in law, to go retrieve the dining table and chairs we are to inherit from there, bring those items here.
So plan is to have MIL visit. Let DH plan and let you know which day. You can bring food brought in. You can have DH arrange transport and hands on care. I think your earlier list of prep required should be left for him to arrange. We planners go crazy with unplanned events but that is what DH is counting on. And your daughters. Did either of them arrange to take MIL out or just visit there? Didn’t think so. Easier to text snark to you than arrange themselves.
that afternoon. That his folks (his parents) had come up the week before and taken her to lunch .. but no, they didn't come get her for Tgiving.
So stark .. this woman is 92 yo . lives alone . and does relatively okay . and .. she has "friends" that she does things with.
MIL hasn't done so in so so so long! Right now, that ship has so sailed . she can't get out and go anywhere . and she doesn't have the memory of even who she might call as someone to go do things with .. but . that wasn't always the case, and yet still . she didn't go out . and go engage with the world . she sat there, in her home . sans visits by us . or by her daughter having come in town.
DH and I talking about the stark contrast there.
His words, as he kinda draws a circle by his ear of someone who is cooky: "She's not right Dorker . .she isn't . hasn't been in a long long time .. she isn't right . she has fought this whole aging thing and been in a denial state forever .. so much so that she isolated ... and wouldn't do things with "those old people" .. h377 she was one of em . but just ask her . she wasn't gonna get old, that wasn't gonna happen to her .. these other women . they aren't in "DENIAL" of aging .. they don't mind doing things with "those old people" they know they are "old" themselves. She has built such a wall, against aging . I don't know what her reality is/was . but it hasn't been that she's aging!
Crystal clear, 20/20 vision of it all. And all the while SIL enabling each step of the way and that continues to this day . in her reaching out .. "mom says everyone is leaving there, she may want to go visit/see other sites".
SIGH
She also wants unicorns and rainbows to come restore her youth and that's not gonna happen for her.
Maybe the re-training some mentioned that would need to take place, after SIL leaves as to what those boundaries look like.
If she felt compelled to have MIL carted . while she was here .. to other sites for her viewing pleasure .. she should've allowed enough time to make that happen, IMO.
At this point, she's back home . and so if she'd like to run that by her brother and him facilitate same .. go for it. But I can clue ya .. he's not gonna be real motivated to see to that task (so busy at work at present). Unless it's something really egregious and deplorable, he's not going to be hopping to, with that task.
Today's update .. .
Got a text from SIL tonight .. "talking to mom .. I guess they had that family dinner for Xmas at the NH tonight . she said staff were asking her all day, if she has family coming for the Xmas dinner tonight . and she said she told them no, she didn't think so, wasn't going".
This was the text that rolled in on my phone.
I did respond only because I am familiar with that family Xmas dinner event of which she speaks. When we did the bday celebration a month or so ago, at the NH .. we had a flyer at that time, in our possession . as to the upcoming family xmas dinner . and so I prompted DH at that time, to ask MIL . .if she's interested, a RSVP was required for same. He did so in my presence, and she didn't speak of being interested in partaking of that event. We dropped it.
Responded to SIL that we'd run that past MIL to ask if she was interested, and she was not.
SIL then responded to that: "oh okay I'm glad you guys did that . but .. she seemed to be surprised by this event, and didn't seem to know anything about it until today when staff were asking if she was going and family coming . sounded like it was news to her . she hadn't heard of it".
My response to that: "Not surprising".
That means ... to me (who knows how it was perceived by SIL) .. "she has dementia . she likely doesn't indeed remember that we brought this up previously . but so be it.
Yes, her involvement, enmeshment with her mom . is so way over the top.
Some things that have become 20/20 vision clear in the recent months. Her enmeshment with her mom has been absolutely crippling. To both her and to her mom who failed to engage . otherwise . outside of her's and her daughter's life.
It wasn't always that way. She did have friends . when she was mobile and agile and so forth . in her younger years . and yes, did things w/her friends. But that ship sailed so long ago, . .it's not even not even on the horizon of memory.
Just so very telling to me .. it really is. DH was, last week . on a repair call, for the lady who used to be his kindergarten teacher . eons ago. The woman is 89 and still lives alone . and they reminisced about the kids who were in his class . and what DH knows of those folks as grown ups these days . and she remembered each and every one they spoke of . and little idiosyncrasies as to each.
She lives alone .. and does okay as far as DH could see. He asked her if she'd had a good Tgiving and she said she had . that she'd gone out with some friends.
Hearing this was so stark to me ... so so so stark. Not at all what MIL has been about for eons . and MIL is only 90 (yes mobility and dementia issues . .that have besieged her). But even when those weren't issues .. she still wasn't going out to lunch with friends. Not in eons.
Also talking to YD's b'friend who was in town recently. Asked of him "did you guys come up and get your g'ma that live here, haul her down to where your folks live for Tgiving?" (his folks live about 1 1/2 hours south of here, his 92 yo gma lives here).
He said no, that she'd gone out with some friends .. and a neighbor had come over
dorker your SIL is exhausting. Honestly just reading about the things she says leaves me feeling exhausted! I just can’t fathom being THAT wrapped up in my mother’s affairs! So what if people are leaving the nursing home? I am sure they are either going to the hospital for one reason or another, or to memory care or you know.....dying! And if this information is coming from MIL, because I don’t see how else SIL would know that people are leaving, how can she even be sure her mother is right? It could be that no one left but in MILs demented mind, they did. It could be that 1 person left but to MIL it’s 10 people! Glad you ignored her text because she is just ridiculous sometimes!
One day a year I want my family to TALK to and PLAY with each other. Only when we're opening gifts do I allow phones to be in use.
Call me mean, but my DH LIVES on his phone and I sit and feel like a decorative ornament. Cell phones have been a real mixed blessing, for sure!