I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My mother could not come over or go to church with us on Christmas Eve as she was dizzy and her blood pressure was high. When this happens from time to time I wonder if this is the end or start of it as she has many health issues. However she rallied yesterday and was at our house for quite awhile and able to visit with 2 of my children and 2 of the grandchildren. I feel grateful for that.
I washed her walker which had melted chocolate in its compartment. Also washed and organized her purse. She expressed gratitude. She has never been organized or generally aware of cleanliness which has made me completely opposite in nature.
Thank you for sharing your day with MIL. From my perspective it seems as though the day was a success. At this point in dealing with the elderly the seemingly smallest events that go well can make us feel happy for that achievement.
with her new engagement ring .. when she has time.
Me: "And once again, it's all on family and what they can do to engage her .. all the time .. that's part of her unhappiness SIL . we can only do so much .. as to going to visit her .. DD had sick kid . and that's the norm for DD . somebody is always sick .. it seems when there are small kids . YD . she works all the time . DH too .. and so . we can only do so much as to visiting her, and none of it ever works to "pick up her spirits"..
SIL: "Yea I know .. I guess it's just common that NH residents are pretty depressed .. I just . she says the same things to me . I just listen . let her vent . she's gotta be able to talk to somebody"
So that was that pretty much.
As I told DH .. "I can't people anymore . I'm done people-ing for now . for a few days, .. that whole NH experience . my dad and the oncology appt .. the visit to DD's yesterday where son in law's g'ma was there and had to be shsh'd . as she sat and talked about the day she found out there was no santa clause and cried her eyes out . and son in law shutting that down as his kids .. who are santa believers right there to hear her (they didn't fortunately, hear her) .. just .. old people .. I can't people anymore, right now . and more importantly . old people.
and now she lives in a setting where she is surrounded by sadness of others and their frailties and she herself . limited ambulatory ability and limited cognitive ability . and she never has learned any capacity to make the best of things as best you can .. she hasn't had to .. and now . now she finds herself so limited, . .and she sits .. and ponders far too much . and she's angry with you . and your husband . she's angry with her estranged son and what that's done to her psyche .. she has got to find some way to find a slice of purpose .. a life as it were .. as DH put it . how nice it would be to visit her and find out she'd been a part of some spirited (relatively speaking) card game with some other folks there, . or maybe participated in some trivia activity of some sort ,. it's always the same sad sad saga . always".
To that SIL answering: "Yea I guess it's pretty common that folks in NH's are depressed .. do you think maybe she's more depressed now that she rooms with H who sleeps all the time . maybe that's making mom more depressed".
Me: "No .. H doesn't sleep "ALL" the time . .remember H gets out and gone for hours at the time, to the degree you've had to enlist a SW and the psych doc to maybe help MIL to realize she is annoying H when she goes on the hunt for her, no I don't think that H .. sleeping all the time is any factor .. I think your mom needs to . within the confines of what her limits are . and yes they are real limits . but she needs to find a way to find some happiness... I don't care if that's tuning in daily to soap operas . maybe that's all she has to look forward to . but .. dial in on that, tune in daily to find out who killed who, or who cheated on who . whatever it is they do on soap operas .. but something . a purpose, ,. a daily something . like I told her when she complained her memory is so bad . she needs to see if they'll get her some cross word puzzles or word search papers .. something to engage her . something other than sitting and feeling sorry for herself that her daughter has abandoned her, to a life in IL with a husband who is useless .. as that's not true . and as DH told her, he can't hear this stuff . ... doesn't wanna hear it, angers him . he disagrees .. no I don't think she's "more" depressed now rooming with H who sleeps all the time. H doesn't "sleep all the time".
SIL: She says the same things to me .. when I call and talk to her .. I understand, I just try to listen . let her vent .. she has to be able to talk to someone about it, it's all so bewildering . she is really struggling with adapting . she's lost everything . her mobility . her home . her things .. all of it, .. I understand.
Me: "Well I understand it too .. anyone would . but she also needs to be pushed to find some purpose other than ruminating on her misery .. I don't care if it's watching soaps daily .. but something . other than the misery that is her constant refrain .. ".
SIL: I guess that's probably what you'd hear if you sat and talked to any NH resident . the depression is pretty common".
ME: "Some there choose to "participate" . maybe they too would tell you their sad tale of woe . but maybe they don't have anyone who listens .. I don't know but there's a reason they offer trivia games, and Bingo and Arts and Crafts . and chair exercises sessions and sing alongs . and so forth . there's a reason .. .and some there choose to participate . and your mom should too .. but I guess she chooses to isolate . .. has for years . and that just breeds more sadness .. and gloom and it's a struggle for DH to hear it .. every time he visits there, the S.A.M.E. sad song and dance, every single time.
SIL: Yea I know, I told M (her daughter who is due to fly in with her new husband for a long wknd here) .. told M to be prepared for grumpy granny . . maybe she can pick up her spirits some . maybe if DD can visit with the kids . she always enjoys that . maybe YD can visit with her new
He said of it later, .. "I wanted to tell her, . mom look in the dam mirror . you are one of those .. as you call them crazy old people". He didn't say that to her, of course.
About this time M from across the hall once again wailing out, "help me, I'm stuck, help me somebody help me .. I'm stuck . help me" . .loudly .. I mean the woman has got a set of pipes .. I'm sure the residents of Canada can hear all this.
DH now stepping out to go see what's the problem (the woman so frequently does this that I don't think staff pay any attention to it, .... I guess one not familiar with that setting would think . that poor woman is crying out for help and no one comes"). Dh now stepping over that way to see what she needs help with ..
Turns out she's trying to wheel herself into her room but stuck . . on the corner of the door frame there and so DH corrects that in an effort to get her into her room, which is heard by staff . and by MIl who then chide DH . "no she can't go into her room .. don't put her in her room ..", to which DH stops .. turns out .. she can't be left in her room . she'll try to get out of her wheelchair . and fall.
Staff did wheel her into her room (whether they stayed with her, not known) and DH now back in our room and MIL cautioning, "no she can't go into her room ... they don't want her in there, . she'll try to get out of her wheelchair and fall".
DH: "She's in there now, they came in there and wheeled her into her room".
To my asking: "Do they have to have an attendant in there with her, if she's in her room".
MIL didn't know.
MIL saying M does this quite often .. all the wailing of "help me, somebody help me" .. and that she goes several times a day to see about her ... I asked her again, "do they have someone in her room when you go check on her?". MIL answering no .. not that she's seen.
By now, I was laid on MIL's bed . and yawning . and DH saw this .. he too tired and not wanting to spend all afternoon there, he announced we were going to head on home . and so we did that, .. said our g'byes and left.
Talking on the phone later last night .. when SIL called to wish us a Merry Christmas and ask about our Christmas . and tell about her's (and maybe some subtleties of an agenda as to her mom). She told that she'd talked to her mom earlier in the morning . and that her mom hadn't been able to find that pretty red sweater . SIL pondering if it's gone (underlying tone there of .. did you guys find that and put her in it). MIL would've been the only one in festive attire if we'd of done that, but answering SIL that no . we'd been running a bit late . and no we didn't and MIl never mentioned it.
SIL never asked about chin hairs and attending to that task .. or about religious mark of any of it .. or Christmas cookies and DD . though she did suggest again that MIL would sure love to see YD's new engagement ring if she has time to get by there . and suggest, if DD can haul the kids there, that her mom would love to see them.
Told SIL how bad her mom's memory is . that she wanted to tell us who M is . and M's son (like we don't know) .. and that she wanted to tell us who Ed is . and how that came to be (like we don't know) .. and that DH is finding it harder and harder to go there, . the same sad refrain plays out every time . "what's my purpose, am I here to die .. why can't I just die .. what's to become of me".
Told her that MIL (not on my visit but on DH's earlier) harps on her husband and that it's obvious she resents SIL"s husband as .. in her view . the only impediment to SIL giving up her life to service to her mom. Not news, she knows this.
Told SIL ... "She and you are far too enmeshed with one another . it's unhealthy SIL . for her and for you . she lived isolated for so long . and her only outlet . was what we could do for her socially .. to engage her . and what you could do when you'd come here ..
Where she announced that once again, the salt shaker taken to her by DH . just mere days ago .. it too has been swiped. This is I think the 4th one in about a few months or less.
Not the pepper mind you, but the salt shakers . always come up missing.
To DH then saying: Mom maybe the staff don't want you salting your foods .. that's all I know".
Once back in her room, she talked of who had phoned her this Merry Christmas day . her sister in VA .. she had called. EB's son that lives in NYC had called .. and I asked her if she'd heard from Ed.
She and Ed don't talk all that often . but they do touch base with one another. Ed is the high school sweetheart . that . I'm sure they were meant to be, at one point as mere teens . or so she thought .. but he and his family moved away . when he was a teen and so ended their torrid (for those days and times) love affair .. and never to meet again . each going on to marry someone else (in his case, 3 someone else's thru the years).
Ed is in about the shape she's in . on a walker, . and frail and such but still lives alone . sans when he isn't hospitalized as are a lot of elderly .. frequently.
No she hadn't heard from him she said, that SIL had talked to him recently and he was in the hospital with pneumonia .. so she doesn't know is he still in the hospital . or is he home now . but no she hadn't talked to him.
She then began telling of Ed . and who he is (like we don't know) . and that the two dated . or if you wanna call it that, at that age they were . as 15 yo's .. and so forth . and DH interjecting: "Mom we know who Ed is .. you've told us".
A blank .. I dunno . blank look on her face, . almost like even that was too much to process/comprehend . that we would know who Ed is .. just a blank stare.
MIL needed to wheel herself to the bathroom and so while in there, she called out for me to come help her. I went to see what she needed . she asked for another Depends .. and said she was going to need to change her Depends . and would I help her, that she has to come out of her pants . and shoes . to get the soiled one off and a new one on . and I saw there was a staff member standing just outside her door .. attending to some charting . and I stepped out and asked the staff member to assist (I was so tired .. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, . came home and fell hard asleep on the sofa later once we left there).
Her now cleaned up and so forth rejoining DH and myself there in her room, and her words now: "You know, the longer I stay here, the worse it gets .. I'm gonna be about like the rest of em here, with not a damn brain in my head .. my memory is so bad . it's gotten so bad since I got here".
I wanted to argue that, "your memory wasn't good MIL before you even got here" but what's the point . I didn't argue.
And her then . following the above: "I really just wonder, what's to become of me here .. what's my purpose .. I pray every night that the big cloud come for me, but then my eyes open and I'm still here .. "
DH: "What do you want to become of you?".
MIL: "I don't know, I'd just like to be more active .. you know I took really good care of myself . and stayed active . all my life .. I mean I played tennis into my 60's I think it was .. I stayed active so this wouldn't happen . you know I wasn't going to get old . that wasn't going to happen to me".
To which I laughed . out loud and said: "yea and Fate said .. oh yea . watch .. watch this, and you did get old".
DH: "mom there's your problem right there, ... you've lived in denial that you'd ever get old, but ya did ..you got old".
MIL: "I just would like it if I could get back to being more active again .. that's what I'd like .. and my memory . it's getting so bad .. it's gotten so bad since I got here .. and I don't know the longer I stay here, I'm gonna be just like those other crazy old people".
DH said of the above (later out of her earshot)
DH .. disturbed by this, .. I guess having trouble lifting his own fork to sustenance when there is among him there, a resident who . I guess DH perceives . would like to eat, but can't .. staff member now in the room there, but assisting another patient to eat.
By now, M .. (MIL's neighbor from across the hall resident) . she'd finished I guess and wheeled herself out of the dining room there, and to the nearby nurse station where she began exclaiming so loud I'm sure it was heard in Canada .. "help me, somebody help me, . help me please, someone help me".
This is something M does all the time, nothing new . and so I suppose staff don't immediately hop to . .to help her.
This went on and on and on, no one attending to her . until MIL now left our table to go see what's wrong with M, what does she need .. and then DH departed out table when MIL didn't return .. and it turns out she needed a wet paper towel to wipe her hands . that's all. So DH went and got a wet paper towel ...
At which MIL now introducing M to DH . "This is my son" (DH has met M numerous times) M now responding, "I know, I've met him several times, I know that's your son".
I was still in the dining room, I didn't depart to go see what's M's problem . and what is MIL to do about it, and DH . I stayed put.
My over riding sense at that point was crushing fatigue .. really was. Maybe the past few weeks and all the hullabaloo finally landed on me, on Xmas day and I was just so fatigued I think I could've slept standing up .. just so so tired.
A few mins later, DH came to get me, "c'mon we're gonna go sit outside for a bit". I told him I'd run to her room and grab a throw as there is a little bit of chill to the air outside, and did that and then met them outside, with a blanket for her to cover up with. Beautiful sunny clear day .. but a bit of chill.
We didn't stay outside long .. maybe 30 mins .. just a bit too chilly. But long enough that the same refrain that always gets played .. MIL with her, "I ponder what's to become of me, I really do . what is my goal .. why am I here .. am I here to just wait to die . is that all this is .. ". MIL describing that she goes to sleep nightly about 7:30 and sleeps .. til about 11:30 (not sure how she remembers what time this occurs .. because she doesn't remember a lot of things) .. and it seems I wake up every night about 11:30 and I toss and turn the rest of the night pondering why am I here, what's my goal . what is my purpose, .. what's to become of me, and I ponder on all that the rest of the night, tossing and turning . until it gets to be daylight and by that time I'm ready to get up".
To my response: "Well I dunno MIL .. ya know, all any of us have is today . that's it . so maybe it's not about what's to become of me .. what's my goal, my purpose, maybe it's about do the best you can .. as best you can do that, each day that you wake up and are still here, that's about all any of us can do".
To her response: "Well at this point, my options are so limited .. ".
To my interjecting: "Ya know, tell me about some xmas's when you were a child .. do you have any that standout that you remember?".
To her then talking (she loves to talk) . but to ask her any pointed to question and expect to get to an answer .. to said question .. with someone of her Dementia . and limits ... she then veers off into stories of her and her sister's and how different they all were . and the various differences in each .. and ... to answer "what about xmas . anything in there about xmas" .. nah . doesn't happen.
But at least it got her . momentarily at least . off the path of "what's to become of me".
She never did dial in on xmas as a kid . and any remembrance thereof . more veered off into their childhoods and how different they all were ..
In a little while . we said it's a bit too chilly here . let's go back inside, and so made our way back to her room ..
The meals itself, .. traditional xmas dinner, of turkey/stuffing, etc etc. Wasn't bad .. but then again, from the person who usually does the cooking herself (me) . to be able to sit down to a meal that someone else prepared, they probably could've served horse meat and I'd of said "oh this is yummy".
The whole experience .. my goodness.
For one thing had we taken the time to dig up the pretty red sweater for MIL and attempted to change her into festive attire, we'd of been late, and turned away .. and I guess we'd of then had to sit in MIL's room holding our dinner trays in our laps. So .. there's that.
But then, sitting in the dining room now the staff passing out the food trays to each (some of the residents unable to feed themselves and seated not in wheelchairs, but what looks like maybe a recliner on wheels .. maybe they aren't an easy transfer, so they just leave them in recliners on wheels in case they need to lay back)
Waiting for the meals to be brought in, we see enter the room and go to a different table ... MIL's across the street resident there neighbor .. M we'll call her. M and her son and daughter in law enter, seat at a different table.
MIL then .. without explanation .. wheels away from our table to go and talk to them briefly ..
Comes back "that's my neighbor across the hall here M .. you know she was a famous artist in her day . and her son .. he's an author and he gave me one of his books to read".
(We know this . we've met M .. many times on visits there, and also her son who is the author .. we know). But I guess MIL doesn't remember that we've all met .. and so thought she had to let us know who M is . and her claim to fame . as well as M's son . and his also, claim to fame.
She rejoins us at our table .. and eventually they bring out food trays and begin passing them out ..
We start to eating . and over at another table, in fact, the table that M was seated at, where her son and his wife had now departed (I guess my back was turned and I didn't see they'd left/departed). I thought they too were there to have lunch with M . but I guess not . maybe they'd been there to visit her only and had escorted M to her seat in the dining room and then left.
So now M was seated at the table . another table, and it turns out the other resident seated at that table, never got her tray . and began to voice this loudly .. repeatedly ..
Now M .. who we know to be easily agitated . also chiming in loudly .. that so and so never got any food. The resident loud .. "I'm hungry where's my food, I want to eat, I don't have any food to eat" and M chiming in .. also agitated .. and the staff member assuring the food tray is coming, it's on another cart.
To the point this went on long enough that DH .. (as he put it) .. "I feel bad sitting here eating . and that woman is crying out for food and no one is seeing to it" .. he offered to the staff member, "if you'll tell me her name, I'll go hunt down who has the other food cart and bring her food tray in here".
This then prompted said staff member to get up from feeding one of the residents that can't feed themselves . to now go hunt down the cart herself, and come back with the missing food tray.
When the staff member returned, . she now went to another resident that doesn't feed themselves and began to work with that resident, which left the other fella she'd been assisting . sitting there with no one to feed him .. him just staring blankly at food in front of him that he can't get to his mouth.
This too, . (I had my back to all this, so wasn't witnessing any of it) .. and DH now disturbed by that, "do ya think they'd let me go assist the guy, I feel bad . he's sitting over there staring at his food tray but he obviously doesn't feed himself", asking that of no one in particular and then answering his own question "they probably don't want people to do that, what if the guy chokes or something" ..
Not without one more text from afar: "Mom has a beautiful red pullover sweater in her closet and those nice elastic slacks I bought, before I left there, if you guys want to get her changed for the Xmas lunch".
Ignored. (no, not seen to)
As it was, had we been any later arriving there, we'd of been forced to, I guess, hold our dinner trays in our laps and eat in MIL's room.
We didn't have to be running late, pressed for time. We'd gone to DD's first thing in the AM to watch the kids and their Santa haul. Then back home for a while. We could've left here at any time, to head on over to Purgatory. But DH was in no hurry .. and understandably so.
When we did head that way, .. we got there, gave her the xmas stocking filled with candies . and she began to dive into that. Interesting to me that a kid could've unwrapped one of those pieces of candies and had it gone in two swallows. But of course with the elderly, everything is much much much slower .. all the way from unwrapping/opening one piece of candy, to the bites they take, to the chewing and swallowing.
She was going to dive into another piece, but I stopped her, ... said "let's get going to the dining room, we're gonna be late".
Headed that way, pushing her in the wheelchair (and no never even mentioned any pretty red sweater and nice elastic pants).
I don't know how things work there at Purgatory and dining, etc. I don't go there enough to be in the know. And, MIL eats all her meals, in her room .. so she wouldn't be someone in the knows as to the dining room and how things are done there.
We get to the dining room, only to be greeted there by some gate keeper who told us they're full there, we'd have to go back to where we came from .. and there is a smaller dining room we passed on the way, we'll need to go eat there.
Turn the wheelchair around, head back to where we just came from, to the smaller dining area. Passing each time . along the route there, someone's room who is obviously very agitated as she wails out .. nothing one can really comprehend . laments . some resident there, from her room. So that was a real pleasure ... to hear that ongoing as we passed by one time on the way to the dining area where we were turned away and then passed by the same whines/laments on the way back ..
Get to the other dining room, and there seemed to be some confusion on the part of staff there, .. likely that's because MIL doesn't partake of meals in any dining room, and so making room for her, and two guests . not something that is the "norm" and seen there, . and I think they too would've liked to have turned us away .. but DH explaining that he'd come in a few days before and paid . for us to attend . and had clearly stated we'd eat in the dining room and had already been sent away from the other dining room.
At that point, we were instructed to "hang on just a minute, let me go check on something . we'll seat you in just a moment".
We took seats anyway .. figured .. there's nobody here at the moment, we're the only ones here .. we'll just sit down .. if they ask us to move, we will. And they did, .. ultimately . and we did move, to a different table. Did get full in there, .. every table taken . with various degree of residents there (none of the others accompanied by family).
And interestingly enough .. no one in any festive attire .. all the residents there, . just in whatever they were wearing for the day some in nightgowns . some in pj's . some in regular day wear stuff, but none in festive xmas attire for the day, and none with family to visit.
I don't know how things are done in NH's .. never having been exposed to much of it all. But this was, .. really .. essentially ... probably about like any other meal served there at any other time. No festive decorations up .. no staff decked out in Santa hats or the like.
Life is fragile and can change in a moment. MIL may not be here next year, but there are no guarantees for any of us. Your MIL had her time being grandma... it’s your turn now. So revel in the happy chaos of Christmas morning with littles who are growing so fast.
I told my oldest daughter (who is my executrix) that I expected her to manage my 'hag hairs' when I am too old to get to them. She said "I'm taking you in for a full waxing, everything. I can afford that and I'm not spending my 50's plucking YOUR chin hairs" We laughed pretty hard at the whole dynamic.
My MIL is RAPIDLY becoming worse than your MIL, if it's possible. At least I can leave, as I did on Sunday and NEVER NEVER NEVER go back.
DH is not so lucky. Guilt keeps him going back and answering her stupid texts and requests for help. Sunday she wanted him to replace an alarm type thing that is taped to her wall. He asked her what it was and she had a hard time remembering and then she says "Oh, it keeps the burglars away so you HAVE to fix it today". No, he was not going to and didn't. She was upset b/c she thinks if it isn't in the corner her daughter stuck it in, it doesn't work.
She's not getting even a phone call for Christmas. She was so nasty to me on Sunday I slammed out of there and left for good. 44 years too late, but I did it.
It is nice to know I will never see her again. Any desire or hope to be of 'help' to her in her last days is completely gone.
Really, though. How sad it is. She will have no one at Christmas, certainly not me. (Not that she cares).
Dorker--I think it's time to simply turn off ALL communication with SIL and let DH take over. We will miss the hilarity of SIL's constant commands--but hon-I see you having a stress related heart attack over this and IT ISN'T WORTH IT.
SIL: Oh, if DD makes more Christmas cookies, have her get some to mom. She loves them!
Ignored
Yea because I have nothing going on today but to ask DD who also is likely not bored & making cookies at the moment, let me now direct what she has on her agenda or not.
Sheesh, just unreal.
I will text her maybe tomorrow and tell her to reach out to DD if she'd like.
Just unreal.
In my wildest dreams there isn't a soul on the planet that cares one fraction of any percent as to my whims of cookies, religious services, chin hairs or much of anything else.
This - all this fuss and directives isn’t about SIL being selfless. It’s about her putting lipstick on her own guilt at not being there with her mother at Christmas. Unwarranted guilt it may be but I suspect that is her driving motivation, nonetheless.
In my head, I keep hearing new verses to The 12 Days of Christmas. And - this certainly puts that Christmas song “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” into a different perspective.
She's good at getting other people to do her bidding. Shes good at being a human whirlwind. She's great at keeping boundaries in place with her elderly, demanding, perfection-seeking mother.
I'm NOT saying that she's selfish. I'm saying that I don't see where you are getting that she's not getting her OWN needs met.
Do you think maybe SIL is trying to be funny or is yanking your chain?
I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around such a request. And, on Christmas, no less! Do you suppose SIL wants you to preform chin hair maintenance prior to or after you eat?
YUCK! (again)
Selfless to a fault.
I guess expects others to be also. Unless it's M of course who shall never be beleaguered with tasks all to brighten granny world.
... and after removing MILs chin hair - you should probably clip her toenails. Don’t forget to check between each toe for potential fungus...
Oh my goodness.
I know we all don’t get much humor... that text is hilarious... truly...
Chin hair management... I am giggling out loud to an empty room.
I get the grooming stuff, but holy cow.
Never would I ever try to get someone to manage another person’s chin hair unless said person was paid to do so. Never.
SIL needs some egg nog. The kind with real brandy in it.
I am sorry, but I am dying over here😂
Thanks for the laugh this morning, Dorker. And a very Merry Christmas to your brood!
(and I agree, ignoring is a great idea... just think of the laughs you and DH can enjoy... that chin hair thing is going to be a source of bonding, I can see it now:)
No response.
Thats what I want to do Xmas day. No thanks.
Iinterestingly enough her daughter M and M's husband fly in tomorrow for a stay here in town of a few days. Partly their visit here is to see granny (MIL).
I didn't respond but should have told her, "Ill pass that request to M, she'll be visiting granny. And I am not attending to the task on Xmas day".
I do like M, she is more grounded as far as being able to clearly & objectively look at the whole scene and more to the point, pull her mom's balloon back to earth.
But M, for reasons never clear to me has always been treated as someone far above such menial tasks & never asked to step up, in any way. Its like her mom sees her as some kind of echolant that is far too good for such.
Just curious that text got sent this way. She knows her daughter flies into town here in a day or so.
If HE ignores SIL's texts, then why can't you? Ignoring isn't blocking. You get so upset and angry with SIL. Can't you just ignore her texts? Remember, you can't change someone else's actions. But you can control your own.
Elderly people with dementia seem to get negatively fixated on at least one person. I've seen one of my relatives do it with her son-in-law, who does as LOT of things for her! It really pizzes me off when she starts that carp too.
Has DH asked pastor and wife to visit? Or the church ladies? My mother found great comfort in the visits from the Catholic priest who resided at her NH, and from some local nuns who visited often.
He then went into describing the visit .. that was .. as it is always is .. sad/forlorn .. "what's to become of me, why am I here .. what's my purpose, my goals, I've lost everything .. I pray every day that the cloud will come get me" .. on and on it goes .. everytime.
But then also . the last couple of visits she's been on a tear about SIL's husband and how useless he is .. and that too started again . to the point that DH .. IMO . needs to get a clue .. arguing with her/justifying to her SIL's husband's existence and the why's and wherefor's are all pointless . she is never going to "get it". You need to just say to her, . ."sorry you feel that way mom" and then change the dam subject DH. Repeatedly.
But no . .. he countered all her whines and moans about SIL's husband .. and even countered it with "Mom this is all disturbing to me, to have to hear it, I like him . he is not useless .. sister loves him and he loves her .. .and they are married, that's what husbands and wives do . they take care of one another . til death they do part, when sister said those wedding vows . she meant them .. .and she is taking care of him, it's what she wants to do . she loves him. Makes me wonder, if dad had become disabled, would you have kicked his azz to the curb .. ???.. are you that shallow mom .... you didn't raise us to be like that .. she is honoring her vows . and should be praised for it".
I told DH .. "you do know, you are wasting your breath . she feels/perceives that situation the way she does, and your arguments to the contrary and justifications are all going in one ear and out the other, she'll forget what was said . and the next time you're there you'll hear those same laments DH ... she's not going to change .. your mom resents him . in her view, were it not for him . then your sister would throw her life at your mom's care . and so he's the only impediment to that setting . .and she resents him.
DH: Oh very much so .. I don't think sister would . even if her husband were to die .. she'd still not move here . she likes it there, where she lives .. she has a daughter that lives there and her husband . she'd still not move here . but mother .. I guess resents him . were it not for him . she'd have her daughter at her beckon call . every hour of every day and she resents him and it's so unfounded and unfair, .. and it's hard for me to keep hearing it"
DH continued on: "And then .. then when that was finished she then went on a sad saga about EB .. and how he wrecked her life her very existence and cost her such a toll emotionally these last several years . in his having estranged himself and he's nowhere around . not a part of anything .. it's all so sad .. it's just so sad . it's all I can do to push myself outta the way and go visit her . it really is .. there's not a dam thing I can do to fix it . any of it .. I can't bring her to my home to care for her, I can't bring her to her own home for her to live alone again and she's in that God forsaken place she never wanted to be in .. and there she is living out her worst nightmare . right there in it, and there's not a dam thing I can do to fix any of it .. ".
Me: "DH .. you might need to get counseling to be able to come to terms with the fact . this isn't yours to fix . your mom lived a wonderful life of doing the things she wanted to do .. all her years she was able to do it . and she should be reflecting on that and her memories and making the best . as best she can .. with what remains . it's not yours to fix".
No response.
a professional photographer to capture this marriage proposal. I knew that, and knew that pics would be forthcoming, so the next day I got a couple of pics of the moment that a ring was whipped out and the look on YD's face, and so forth . and so I forwarded that pic . to other family members .. others that would enjoy seeing it, . SIL being one of those.
SIL responded, "oh how cute .. that's great . she looks so surprised .. I hope you get the chance to share that with mom".
OY VEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I answered as follows: I just sent it to DH who is, as we speak, visiting your mom and showing her the pics that were on FB .. of the ring and so forth . I just texted that same pic to him and he responded that with "that's awesome" . so I'm quite sure he'll share it with your mom, he's there, as we speak".
SIL: "Oh have him show her the pic that was on FB the other day of the kids seeing Santa . she'd love to see that".
Me: "I'm sure he will, we talked about that".
Next up from SIL: I know it's hard for DD . but if she could take the kiddos to see mom . I know she'd love it, she misses them bad .. would love a visit from them"
Me answering her: "DD's oldest is sick right now, probably best they stay away until it's determined whether she is contagious"
Response from her: "Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that, right at Xmas time".
Me: "Yep, kids for ya, they get sick on a moment's notice"
That was that, done for, no more conversation.
Until this morning . another text from SIL: I talked to NH . apparently there aren't any religious services .. maybe DH could say a little Xmas prayer before you guys eat. Oh and she said he never showed her the santa pic with the g'kids . make sure he does that".
I never answered it .. it sits unanswered to. She is enough to drive you up a tree sideways .. I mean it. Un frikin real!
Barb, yes .. indeed, those are my sentiments precisely. If she'd like to go attend any religious services available there, that would be lovely .. she should do so.
But to have answered SIL with that .. as any part/answer to her query (prompts) would've found a response from SIL .. wherein there is more dialogue than I care to engage in. She'd then respond "well you know how she is . she will go if you guys go . but she won't go if you guys aren't there". Me then responding to that maybe something like, "that's certainly up to her, we can't be there, because we are doing X Y and Z .. on Xmas eve and Xmas day ..
Therein I am now explaining my comings and goings that I don't feel I have to explain.
But anywho ...
So b'friend and YD are out of town for the weekend .. and to return tomorrow. We knew said marriage proposal was coming and the likelihood of "when" on it all. And he did propose.
And so YD called here, absolutely over the moon excited, and on FB . so that we could face time, see her ring, etc etc . and talk to her "now" fiance'.
And so excited . said she wanted to next call DD . and then he wants to call his folks, etc . and she'd then be posting it on FB .. (every move that is made in these young folks' lives, is known on FB). So we said our g'byes .. expressed out excitement . and that was that.
In a little while, up pops the announcement on FB . for all to see.
Wasn't long after that .. a text incoming from SIL .. "I see that YD is engagaed now to marry P. How exciting, she must be thrilled".
I answered that text . and "yes she is thrilled, we talked to her a bit ago . and face-timed with her, . she and he .. and they are both over the moon happy . we're happy for them".
Next up from SIL: "You guys need to show that FB pic to mom when one of you go to visit her, that will maybe brighten her spirits some".
My response: "yes I'm sure we will share it with her"
Next up from SIL .. "mom was so happy to hear you guys are joining her for a meal there on xmas day, that seemed to pick up her spirits".
I responded to that: "Yes, DH informed her that's what we'd be doing, she was happy to hear it".
<<I knew that DH had told his mom of our plans and when I heard him on the phone with his mom .. I thought to myself *good .. maybe now she'll impart that to her daughter afar .. .and her daughter will relax and take a chill pill as to her mom and xmas day* .. was glad he informed at least his mom .. and so now maybe word will get to the sister . and she can shut the h377 up about it.
Next up from SIL: "Do you know, have you guys heard if there are any religious services on Xmas eve or Xmas Day there?".
I did respond this time . because I'm sick of hearing it.
Me: "I don't know . but if there are, she should certainly go partake if she wishes . we won't be there ..", and went into the very thing I'd been avoiding . answering to her . as to our comings and goings . as to our whereabouts in that time frame of Xmas eve and Xmas day and all to explain (justify) that we won't be there . the very thing I had been trying to avoid, but I want her to shut up about it.
What difference does it make, call and ask . and encourage your mom to go if you hear of such . doesn't at all mean you need to be prompting us as to whether or not we can facilitate same .. and I don't owe you any explanation.
But I did that very thing . .and offered up to her, as a means of shutting her up . that we are otherwise spoken for and listed what our agenda includes. Then went on to explain to her that we'd gotten for MIL and for her roomie . a couple of stockings and filled them with some chocolates for xmas . and a poinsettia each for them and will bring them xmas day.
W/that the conversation via text was all but done for.
Dispensed with that.
So then .. the next day I got a pic . sent by YD on my phone .. b'friend/fiance' had hired a professional photographer to capture this proposal .
That was up to her; even if folks have dementia and are feeble, they are able to direct parts of their own lives.
It's NOT your job to get MIL to a service. She is is a full service NH that has staff. I'm sure they have a service on Christmas and that MIL will be offered to opportunity to go or not.
On her own. As it should be.
So the texts she'd been sending, got ignored. Whether or not we are going to "eat" with her mom . .is neither here nor there, IMO ... she's all the way in IL . and if she'd like to dial up "eat a meal with a friend" and have someone sent to her mom that's fine by me.
But I was growing resentful of the .. "let me direct you from afar"... piece of all this.
Yes, that is our intent . and we will indeed be going to share a meal there, at the NH . that will be our Xmas dinner, he and myself, joined with MIL at the NH .. and that's going to be our Xmas meal . .
But I didn't feel as though her prying and poking and subtle hints require any answering to, . we don't answer to her.
I had already assured her that her "saddest xmas ever mom" .. was going to be visited by us on Xmas day .. and yes, .. we had every intention of doing that, irregardless of whether we ate there or not . we would indeed make it a point to visit xmas day.
But it was decided by DH . that he'd rather go and eat there, . and have a meal with her, as part of our xmas day . rather than just the two of us here, . .no visitors . and bother cooking for just us two. Fine by me. So yes, we'll do that.
But my point here is this .. I don't owe her any explanation as to what my plans are for the day ... she can somehow figure out how to "sit" with the uncomfortable feeling I suppose it generates in her, . as to whether her mom will have a suitable enough visit by anyone no Xmas day, suitable to SIL.
So I never answered it, I resented the "prying" and that's just how it fell on my end.
And of course, DH never even reads any texts incoming from afar, or if he does he tucks the phone back on his hip and never responds.
I never responded nor did DH.
The next thing she then sent a text about . was whether (pondering) were there any religious services at NH .. either on Xmas eve or Xmas Day.
My thoughts on that, and I didn't respond were this.
If there are, and your mom wishes to partake of same .. that's wonderful, she should do so. But we aren't going to be able to be a part of that, .. more than likely (but mind you, again, I don't owe her any explanation as to what we're doing with our time and so forth) .. we can't be a part of carting her to any religious services . we are already spoken for. We are having Xmas eve dinner here, with ours .. our kids and g'kids . and then will attend our own church for Xmas eve services, where DH has a speaking role in the service, so he has to be there, and we wish to be also, .. and then . the next morning, on Xmas morning, we are invited to go to DD's at dark thirty in the AM . to be there before kiddos wake up to see what Santa has brought and be a part of that excitement . and we are to have a breakfast there as part of that whole scene.
So my point here is two different things.
1) We are already spoken for as to Xmas eve and any "want" on your part that we divert plans and go in the direction to cart your mom to any religious service that may or may not transpire .. we already have plans for Xmas eve.
2) We already have plans for Xmas morning, in the event there are any religious services on Xmas AM .. and so will be out of pocket attending to our own agenda on that AM . .and so if there are services . we will not be there for them.
3) I don't owe you all this explanation .. your prompts and prods .. are useless.
I never answered to them.. nor did DH.
No responses.
So . then . as we knew as coming ... YD as proposed to by her b'friend of two years. We knew it was coming .. he had done the traditional "ask the dad for permission" thing and so we all knew it was coming, and the likelihood of the "when" on it all. And sure enough he did do so. Both YD and her b'friend are out of town ..
I can see how this is hard for your MIL - now that she is in NH and your SIL far away in IL - when she whines there is no one to jump through hoops to make her feel better. What a pill that old lady is. Not liking IL - too many immigrants - as if she ever got out to encounter any!!! Wanting SIL all to her self and SIL's husband be damned.
Enjoy your Christmas - let DH deal with SIL - but update us when it is all over as to the ongoing drama.