I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Just as was the case the last few years as things fell more and more by the wayside, and me hollering "this isn't working folks" . and no one listened, of the DH and SIL contingent. Much the same thing plays out this day and age also.
DH imparting to me what had occurred his mom weeping in his lap ..
My response to him: "DH . that's sad . I hate that for both of you .. have you talked to her psychiatrist .. maybe find out if there is something more that needs to be done .. maybe get some input from him?".
DH . and sort of out of anger, in a tone of . how come you don't understand . what's wrong with you, spouting out: "Of course she's gonna be miserable . this is the very nightmare she didn't ever want to have to live".
Me; "I know that .. but she doesn't have to be weeping .. she's not going to be happy . that's a given . but she doesn't have to be this miserable . they may need to tweak her meds .. you might want to talk to the psych doc"
<<Of course, of the two of them .. it's his sister that will get out the tool box and try to fix things, rabbit holes and all .. and dial down on things . unless it's this of course>>>
Conversation had with her, not on this specific issue this time, but in previous times, "have you talked to her docs it may be the AD isn't working as effectively as it could . maybe need to talk to them, or I don't know . maybe she needs some mild sedation .. but have you talked to them".
SIL: "Oh so many of those AD's can cause diarrhea . and since she's so prone for that .. and GI issues .. they probably have to be very careful what they give her".
Me: But have you talked to them, there are so many out there, . and they can keep trying til the find one that's suitable . or maybe in her case, she needs some mild sedation . to where she isn't as anxiety riddled, and/or .. cares less . to be so miserable".
SIL: "oh she has such bad balance, I think they have to be careful .. about sedation . she's such a fall risk".
Me; "Well I'm not a doctor, but neither are you, if it were me, I'd certainly be running this up the flagpole . and a lot . until it gets adequately addressed".
And that's where it goes .. so . I haven't had that dialogue with SIL recently but w/DH yes . just this morning . .
DH's answer, before I walked away saying nothing further, .. "I just need to go get her, bring her wheelchair, and take her to Smalltown .. where she grew up . let her go see it, . I'm sure in the last 80 plus years it's changed and nothing at all like she'd remember it . if she even remembers it, but it would give her something to look forward to . I just need to set aside some time to do that".
I walked away ..
Not gonna argue the perils of doing that .. do it . and then you'll bring her back . to that sad miserable God Forsaken place, and . ya gonna do that every day of her life for the next however long she lives .. ??.....
These people .. I swear they have bricks where the gray matter should be.
What's the harm in getting after the MD there, . and at least dialing in on this issue . and seeing if there is something more that can be done.
And yes, the SW and the Activity Director as well as the pysch doc . have all been sent to task by SIL ... wants them all to work with her, .. and I think they're doing so . at least more than was previously the case, . on counseling for things such as LOSS .. and Goals . and purpose .. and the activity director is to be checking with her, ... to see if she can't engage her in some things. For the most part, that latter point, it gets declined by MIL.
I recall that my SIL went to visit mom one evening; she called me after she'd left and said "something's not right".
I called the facility and they said mom was fine. She was not; to make a VERY long story short, we eventually discovered that a new Behavioral Health team had been brought on board and they had lowered my mom's Lexapro (the main antidepressant she was on) "because State regs mandate the lowest possible dosage".
You don't want to have been in the room at the care meeting the next day. Mom's dosage was put back to where it had been for 2 years and the "behavioral health team" was blocked from seeing mom. The facility internist took over managing mom's psych meds, which had originally been prescribed by a geriatric psychiatrist at the facility who had retired.
Either the meds are not working anymore or the dosage has been changed. Someone needs to see this as a symptom and report it to the right people. And then keep on them until it gets solved.
So--she has short term memory, which seems OK but the long term--more than a week--is shot. I could visit her everyday, which I won't, but she wouldn't remember.
It's so sad for DH, he is finally on board with his mom and she's like this. Life is not fair and even my horrific MIL doesn't DESERVE the rotten hand life has given her. We're all just kind of holding our collective breaths on her--one more fall, one more UTI--she just couldn't handle it.
And sadly, she's like your MIL--hateful and mean. She has no visitors beyond SIL and DH when he can manage the courage to go see her. Every other month, maybe?
My MIL would go absolutely insane in a 'facility'. Just the time she spent in the NH was beyond awful--I was still in active chemo stage and not allowed to go (and I wouldn't have anyway).
No one deserves to me miserable, but often, through our attitudes and behaviors when we are younger...this is the outcome. I've seen it over and over.
When my mom was in IL and then in a NH, we all (sil, brothers, cousin and I) all observed mom's behavior as part of a larger picture of "symptoms" and we reported them as such to her docs--because a change in her mental status MEANT something. Sometimes it was a UTI, sometimes it was pneumonia. Sometimes it meant that her psych meds needed tweaking.
Someone in this sad little family needs to see the forest for the trees and start looking at MILs mental status as a separate entity that wants looking after.
Is your stepmother out of the hospital now? Did she go to rehab?
Not her fault, no one's fault, she grew old & frail enough that she needs staff f/t to attend to it.
It just seems so unnecessary.. and over the top, all the drama that is a constant drain in the whole thing.
She doesn't deserve to have to spend the last chapter of her life, miserable. That's a given.
But ...I don't know .. from where I sit in all this it's like "folks there is no magic wand to turn back time and make her viable", its crummy & sad .. but also .. no way around it.
If she lives another 10 years, are we to spend that time in the pits of despair all this brings? Really?
Then maybe he needs to visit her more often, or resurrect Team MIL to do so. As long as this doesn't make him seriously consider bringing her to the Yellow Room!
So DH goes to see MIL yesterday afternoon.
Had been there last 4 days prior and in those 4 days, DD & crew went to visit. So it's not like it's been weeks/months since anyone visited.
DH said his mom, so relieved, so glad he came to visit, so lonely, she bent over, laid her head in his lap weeping.
This is an all new level of heartbreak for DH. A whole new level of how bad all this is and how miserable she is.
I wasn't there. DH told me later when he got home, tears in his eyes re-telling it.
I don't think she's so far down the line with dementia that the couple of days that passed til she again had a visitor, seemed an eternity. So that's not it. I don't know of anything particularly troubling or traumatic that has occurred where one has been so shell shocked, the sight of a LO feels like a lifeline. So that's not it.
But this, this brings a whole new level of forlorn and and glum to DH that his mom would be this miserable she'd lay her head in his lap and weep.
DH, the one person in all this saga that struggles to grasp it has to be this way, so empathetic as to the course this has had to follow. Had only recently really begun to see/accept that his mom has too many issues...as to her needs and 1 person can't do it all, it's too much. He'd only recently begun to turn the corner on some clarity to it all.
Now this latest has sunk, at least his disposition with it all, to a whole new low.
Just ducking for cover from family overload & holidays. Tired.
Fun (mostly) but tiring.
The old folks, MIL apparently fell the other day. No serious injury, just bruised/sore.
Something else must be occupying SIL, and I need to find out what it is & send more her way. She's been quiet. It's like a pop a mole game, only the power is on the off switch. It'll all begin popping up again, soon enough without a doubt.
Stepmom hospitalized at present (severe anemia, origin a mystery... has happened before).
I'm not supposed to know .. everything a deep dark secret... she who is so very territorial and private.
Suits me, if I don't know, then not likely I'll be showing up to help in any way.
Works for me.
Other than that, I've been sorta in a cocoon...trying to bounce back from the whirlwind of the xmas & New Year's holidays.
Yes, I'd love to go and get away from here for a while!!
I emailed my son and DIL with a profound and profuse apology for all my sins.
AND DID point out to them the embarrassing fact they were yelling (yes, yelling) at me in the car on videochat with all their kids listening. Their sweet daughter had tears in her eyes as she listened to them. She's 14 and very sensitive. I felt bad for me, but worse for her.
They will think my apology poor, self serving and not 'enough'. (can you tell we've been down this road before?) I may have to go grey rock with them---there's a huge backstory to all this and it doesn't bear repeating. I wish I had followed my gut instinct and stayed home from Thanksgiving there. They effectively ruined the entire holiday season for me. I mean, I still had fun and some truly joyous moments, but this dark cloud of anger coming from Seattle---it will be a long, long time before I visit again and I will stay only a couple of days and in a hotel.
Didn't mean to hijack this post. Sorry!
And, Dorker--my MIL has become the "help me" lady, but she's currently living alone in her home. Not for long as we prepare for the next fall or UTI which will undoubtedly happen soon. At least I will in no way, shape or form be involved in that mess.
Is this the same one who recently left your church?
Im the 10,000th post!!!
I think AC ought to send me and a
guest to Hawaii for a week!!! Mid - wanna go?
Midkid - What part of Washington does your son live in? Because I’m feeling the need to drive up and deliver a serious smack-down and azz beating. Just where the hell does he get off talking to you like that - period - but on Christmas? Seriously? Does he not get it that his mom just beat effing cancer?!? What a d*ck! Well, he is!
I was not joking when I said that!
When I was a kid, our church had a girl's missionary type group that regularly visited the local nursing home to "spread joy." I recall there was a HELP ME lady there at that time.
Years later, in my late 20's, my grandmother had numerous falls, injuries and light strokes. She became the HELP ME lady! I stayed with her one weekend to give my parents a break and she screamed "Help me!" all night long. My mother warned me about this. A year or so later, my grandmother was basically bedridden and placed into the same SNF I visited in my youth. She became the resident HELP ME lady!
Years after that, I was guardian of another aunt and ended up putting her into a SNF. Low and behold, there was a HELP ME lady in that facility too! She wheeled up and down the halls yelling "Help me! Somebody HELP ME!" I stopped and asked what she needed and she looked at me, bewildered and said, "I don't know! I just don't know what I need! Help me!"
I suggested that at one point, "hair salons usually wax that off or they can use tweezers"
SIL: I hate to think what would happen to her fragile skin with wax... she'd probably break out in some rash that now needs a dermatologist.
Me: not much danger of that using tweezers
SIL: that little mini shaver thing ... its line one or two swipes, its gone. She can't do it, but it takes no time at all"
So ... what do I know?
But I didnt dig up mini shaver & dispense with that task
Who wants to take bets that request doesnt get put in her daughter's ear to attend to.
Yes, the family loves MIL, but she is not their job. SIL can hire someone to match up the PJs or chase down the missing salt shaker, hair brush, body wash, lotion, etc.
BTW, the stylist at the beauty shop can wrangle chin hairs, eyebrows & upper lip fuzzies at an appointment.
Maybe if we'd of attended that event, we'd of maybe seen some of those happy smiling faces and some staff in santa hats and so forth . and maybe some soft xmas carols playing I don't know.
We'd gotten a written invitation in the mail for it . some weeks back and I had asked DH if he wanted to talk to his mom about it . and we actually did .. when we were all there to celebrate her bday . we told her about it, found one of those invites . laying there . and showed it to her, . asked her if she wanted us to come to that, did she want to attend. She declined, . we dropped it.
As it were, the date of said party .. SIL texting to our end: "was talking to mom and they're having some kinda party there tonight .. I think I remember seeing that when I was there, something about it .. and .. supposed to be a holiday party and family invited . and the staff are all asking her if she's going to the holiday party and she said she didn't know anything about it, . are you guys going to that, did you know about it".
My response: "yes, we got that same invite in the mail . and we talked to her, in fact, when you were still in town, asking if she wanted to go and no she didn't . so we dropped it".
So yea maybe we'd of seen some of that in that setting . maybe/perhaps . we didn't go . don't know.
And yes . SIL trying to direct the show even as to that event .. what she didn't know is that we'd covered that ground with her mom and no she wasn't interested. Unlike her, we didn't twist her mom's arm . we dropped it at her no answer.
That was that.
I hear you on being people’d out & needing a break. I too am all people’d out and need a break! As sad as I am that Christmas is over, 2 long days full of family has wore me out! I need a break.
You are far more patient that I am. No doubt in my mind, if I were dealing with your SIL I would have snapped and told her to get her azz down here & take care of things herself. Regardless of who visits and how often, MIL is going to be unhappy so SIL needs to stop placing the burden of happiness on various family members. Now I don’t think MIL ought to be abandoned in the nursing home, not at all. I think everyone should visit her when they can. But I don’t agree that it’s their job to try to make her happy. Just seems to me SIL is expecting everyone down there in FL to try to make MIL happy and that’s just not fair. Look at the anguish H feels after he visits her. Look what it does to his mental state. No one should be expected to bring themselves down in the name of making someone else happy! I know SIL means well but she needs to back off and leave you all alone. Like you said earlier “she doesn’t control what we do”. Exactly right! She doesn’t. If she wanted MIL to be dressed in a red sweater for Christmas, maybe she should have called the facility that morning and put in a request? Or been here herself so that she could dress her mother?
Family place though was an entirely different experience. Starting with the staff there, they really did treat each patient and their families with caring, dignity, and respect to their individuality. My mom's last Christmas there was amazing to me. They built the resident's enthusiasm for several weeks ahead - offering small crafts to decorate for the "party", encouraging them to invite their families, and helping them pre-choose outfits to wear. They also made sure all were groomed and hair-styled the days before. The families were encouraged to bring small speciality side-dishes for the huge buffet they laid out. (I made some brownies)
DH and I wore festive clothes, as the enthusiasm had been encouraged for a while. The staff members wore Santa Hats or dressed as Elves. The Dining Hall was decked out with a tree and decorations. Carols were playing softly. There was a name card for each resident and guest. I think they even had a Santa there at some point. And yes, they did offer a Christmas Eve service. A local children's group came to sing.
My experience there was "night and day" from your description, and I actually remember the party and mom's last Christmas fondly. The majority of the residents there seemed smiley and happy with the day. We were so very lucky to have found that "old fashioned" place.
Maybe that's how these things go in NH's .. I wouldn't know having not had a lot of familiarity with that setting. I found it .. kinda disconcerting . .. the fact there were a couple of folks unable to feed themselves, yet only one staff person to attend to that task . and so someone sits hungry ...
The fact that one resident got slighted as to a food tray and even spoke up as to same, yes to assurances it was coming . but that didn't stop the resident from her pleas nor the M character that is so easily agitated .. and the only thing that spurred action it seemed, was when DH then asked if he could go retrieve the woman's tray. Only then did the staff member hop up to attend to it.
I guess the woman who shrieks out "help me, somebody help me" . about typical?
All of it . .cause for MIL to be further saddened at the setting where she resides.
She's sad anyway . absent those factors .. she could be in a serene setting with beautiful soft music as the backdrop and expensive furniture and interior design and she'd still be unhappy . so it's not that big a factor . as to her sadness, she'd be sad anyway.
I guess typical in these type settings?
I guess that maybe you can take some 'comfort' in the thought that this is possibly MIL's last Christmas here on earth. When people get so old they just have NO joy at all in their lives, you begin to pray that God will take them.
Our Christmas was quiet--then we went to DD's house where she'd sweetly and kindly offered to take over what I have done for the last 35 years--host Christmas brunch. Her home is twice the size of mine and so we weren't all on top of each other. We opened gifts and then my SIL set up the big screen TV so we could videochat with the out-of state families. That was fun.
Finally got hold of our son in WA and they were driving to a friend's house and LUCKILY we couldn't get them on the big screen, b/c THEIR call was to ME, to ream me out for some things they'd felt I'd done wrong when I was there for Thanksgiving. I mean--really, really mean, ticky tacky stuff. I was crying 5 minutes in the phone chat (their kids are in the car and THEY are hearing all this) and I said "Talk to someone else" went upstairs and packed up our gifts and we left. Everyone could HEAR them, luckily most the people left the room, embarrassed at the vitriol coming at me. At least it was on a tiny screen.
And my DH wonders why I get so depressed at Christmas? There's always one kid or family member I'm on the outs with.....and it's just so stupid and pointless.
No call to my MIL and none to my Mother, although I am going to call her today. She never answers the phone so I can just leave a message.
Dorker---reading about your day made me feel better. Families are GREAT, until they're not. I need a break of about 6 months from any communication with my son. And I can go forever w/o talking to my DIL. She has changed 180 degrees from the sweet girl he married. Sad, but it happens.
Deep sigh------taking the g-kids to see movies this afternoon and hoping against hope I can sleep tonight in some measure of peace. Tree will come down tomorrow and DH has to go to his mom's---but I don't have to go!!!
I'm just hoping 2020 is a peaceful and healthy year for all.
We are spent ..
Me, specifically.
DH won't be real enthused about being anyone's entertainment chair person either at the moment.
As we both lamented yesterday: "WHY are they coming here? There's nothing to do here, .. we aren't young folks that are gonna want to go out clubbing or whatever . what is there to even do here ...????..... why are they coming?".
They are to stay at a hotel at the beach . . and they'll have a rental car . and so .. it's not like we have to house them here, .. but we do have to be somewhat hospitable . and so maybe an offer to come here for dinner for a night. Though . even that is dubious . she is a vegetarian and I'm no chef .. I can make a meal, pleasing to almost anyone, . but I don't do all these specialties these days, gluten free, dye free, peanut free, vegetarian . so forth. I just am a basic cook and that I can do. You need something outside of that . .there are restaurants . knock yourself out.
As DH said yesterday to mine and his whining and lamenting they're arrival here.
ME: "I don't know why they're coming here to be honest .. I mean your sister said they wanna go see granny in the NH and visit her and they wanna . or at least she of them ... wanna walk around MIL's house one more last time".
DH: "Ok . and going to see granny will take all of an hour .. ??...then what, go walk around the house one last time, that takes what 20 mins .. they flew here, to do that . so that fills up and hour or so, then what ..???... what is there to even do here . there's nothing to do .. DD is gonna be out of town . not that she'd be real eager to spend a lot of time around them either, nor them w/her . DD has kids . they don't .. DD is gonna be out of town with her family . and YD is working all the time, why in the h377 are they even coming here, .. ??"
I concur.
DH and myself both feel as though . we've been pulled from pillar to post over the last couple of weeks with all the holiday festivities and various family and different ongoing things . and would like to think there is no one pulling at our time . .. finally.
Not looking forward to it.
They aren't the sorts that would be happy to sit here in my home as we all contemplate navel fuzz .. so .. I suspect they're gonna have to go find something of interest to them, and what that might be is anybody's guess. Not a lot to do here.
Luckily DH is a good cook himself and enjoys it. I've done the heavy lifting for holidays - now he is whipping up some normal family dinners. I'm reading, knitting, and going for walks with DS and playing with him. Heaven.
Those days .. I guess much to DH's chagrin . are past us. DH had invited her to come here more than once, and she declined (thankfully) .. that he'd go get her and bring her here. Not sure how he'd of figured out how to get her around here, other than literally lifting her . to get her into the house .. and then toileting would've been a challenge as we aren't ADA suitable in this HH. But nonethelss he did offer, .she declined.
It did give me pause for reflecting back to how these things graduate to a day when that isn't even possible anymore, but it used to be.