I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
An acquaintance 's Mother was diagnosed with Dementia. Still living alone (singing the I'll manage song but calling constantly for help). Daughter lived overseas - pushed for AL. Nope. Son felt too guilty. His wife wouldn't move Mother in so Son called in every night. Then every morning & night plus numerous phone calls, shopping etc. Became his life but he wouldn't change it.
Recently the Son sadly had a heart attack & died. Was 50s - 60s. His widow completely blaming the Mother & refused to take over any of her care, even changed her phone number. Authorities had to step in until Daughter arrived to find a NH, make the move happen & sell the house.
I think where MIL is, is the best it can. It won't change - unless SIL moves down to micromanage up close & relieves DH of some of the responsibility. He somehow has to LOSE that guilt & know The Yellow Bedroom is NEVER going to happen.
As if MIL would suddenly become happy there - Oh come on!!! DH may need to consider talking this over with his Pastor before it affects your marriage.
I don't engage in it any longer. He can "wish" all he wants .. but .. it would take an act of congress to get things turned at this point . and I'd likely hear about it turning in that direction and my bags would be packed and I'd be outta here . and so he'd, as he put it, "I don't have anyone to do it" .. as to her care.
That's right you don't ..
I don't engage it .. at all anymore. Wish all ya want .. I wish frogs didn't bump their bums when they hopped .. but .. it is what it is.
I think ... (what do I know though) .. that DH .. is part of the problem, .. in his propensity to "own" this issue . and as such, wearing it on his sleeve, each time she starts with her broken record that plays every visit.
She says these same things to SIL .. (on the phone). SIL doesn't live here and so doesn't go in . and visit 2 and 3 x's weekly .. but does call. The same things get said .. to SIL. BUT SIL doesn't "own" it .. she knows, as do I .. there is no taking care of her mom f/t .. it's too big a task, she knows.
SIL, when she is in town .. she is generally not "sitting and listening" to her mom ... not part of her pattern. She's dialing down on whatever issue du jour is at the moment,. .where is her salt shaker, .. where did her body wash go .. what happened to her hair brush . why can't I find her pj tops .. or chasing down some staff member to ask for whatever. She doesn't "sit" and "visit", . that's what DH does .. he doesn't do what she does .. .in all the busy work, he "visits", "listens".
Unfortunately, . IMO .. I do think it would change things a bit if he would ..
A) Go more frequently if able to do so .. but not stay as long
B) Go at times when he can . cart her down to the Bingo game . or the Trivia Time . or whatever activity might be ongoing . and make that part of his visit(s).
He might find if he'd do that,.. that malingering of the sad tale of woe that goes on .. dissipates some.
But .. his schedule being what it is .. he isn't able to just pop by there, for a 10:00 AM Bingo time . or a 1:00 PM trivia time .. he just doesn't know .. as his work schedule allows . .. that he can commit that time to a designated slot. He's self employed .. and employs our son in law .. and he can't be paying son in law, to sit in the truck or go to Bingo Hour at the NH.
For the most part ... what works for him is to go when he can . and that typically looks like maybe at the end of the workday which can range . 4 to 6 PM somewhere in that range . and the Bingo or Trivia or whatever isn't generally going on at that hour.
He just isn't able to set aside that time slot to do so. And that is true, .. I don't fault him w/that. I do think it would maybe make a difference if he could though.
I don't know .. it's an odd situation. I go and visit my dad .. who .. his life is no bed or roses at this juncture, his own mobility pretty compromised, .. and ... frail . .and the loss of his independence also for the most part, and .. a wife who has scrambled brains . and somewhat combative at times. It's not a pretty site . .and he does .. at times weep talking of it .. and I feel bad for him . but I also know . I can't fix it .. and no .. there is not one iota of me that has any notion of "well I know what'll fix it, I'll bring him here to live .. and take care of him". That is so far from any thought process I have as pertains to my dad's situation.
But DH .. for whatever his reason(s) . seems to think .. that he can "fix" it . and that "fix" somehow to him equates to .. "I need to bring her here to take care of her, so she won't be so unhappy . but I don't have anyone to do it".
Part of it all, is "him" . and his "owning" this dam thing ..
Guestshop is right, and it does make my blood boil that even gets any airplay at all, .. but I just walk away lest the anger with no target get turned in my direction. It's all been said so many times . the reasons why that is not any valid point to solve all this .. no point in rehashing it . with him or anyone else. I just walk away.
so it is what it is, I guess.
But ... what the hay? I mean . she had a good visit w/church lady one that found her in good spirits . DH arrives there . mere hours later and it's all woe with me . and complaints and negativity.
But anyway . at least there is "some" action as to addressing in some demonstrative way as to the ongoing saga . and her anguish .. I guess .. who knows how much SIL will dial in on it, and follow it through . she may get sidelined into making sure her salt shaker gets accounted for also .. rabbit holes abound, always.
her continual woe with me that comes up all the time, also at play . what's to become of me, what's next for me ... why am I still here ... on and on as it always is . and him also now .. forlorn and melancholy as he always is when he comes from there, at her sad plight.
He: I just wish I could bring her here to take care of her, but I don't have anyone to do it .. (looking at me) ...
I didn't even entertain any of the conversation at all, walked away. I do not intend to ever entertain the notion she be brought here .. it's not going to happen . and so . arguing the finer points of why . has been done and done again and again . not going there, I walked away. That was that.
I did share with his sister, since I'd also shared that other news .. I shared with her, earlier, when DH was gone, I sent her a text, "Good news, just heard from the church lady who had a wonderful visit with your mom .. she was in good spirits and the church lady said it was a wonderful visit".
SIL had been glad to hear that, and thanked me for sharing it . asked if DH was going to visit her and I told her, "hes' there right now".
She had returned a text later ... "Wonder if DH will find her in those same good spirits".
Said she'd been trying on and off all day to call her and hadn't been able to reach her, .. I responded to that . "likely he has her outside, it's a pretty day here .. maybe that's why you can't get her".
So when he came in and his take on it all was not at all what church lady reported .. I did share that with SIL . via text.
Her: "Maybe she's not comfortable being open and honest with church lady . is why she dumps on DH".
I wanted to scream.
Me: Not true . many many times church lady has shared with us .. what are visits encompassing the same woe with me, . she talks to church lady a lot . about what are her thoughts as to EB .. the sadness there, . the same broken record we all hear . the what's next for me, I've lost everything . so not true . she does indeed share with church lady . her thoughts .. so why she was . merely this morning in a good place and had a really good visit with church lady . and then by afternoon it had turned to the woe with me and complaints ..
I went on to say to SIL: "That's why I advocate and if it were me, .. I'd be standing firm . she needs some mild daily sedation .. I wouldn't back off .. I don't know what it is with DH . that she somehow sees him as the dumping ground .. but somehow she does .. and so he goes to visit her . and I hate it for her that she's so unhappy .. I do .. and it is . at least IMO fixable .. but more so I hate what this does to DH .. he comes home from there so sad himself at it all, even saying out loud he wishes he could bring her here to care for her, . and that is NOT going to happen".
SIL: "I wonder why .. why does he feel such remorse at it all and such sorrow .. why? Did he ever promise her that he'd never put her in a NH ... do you know, what is it .. I mean she does that to me, on the phone when I call her . she does .. she says those same things on the phone to me .. when I'm there on site, .. I'm generally busy and not sitting and listening to it all .. he sits and listens . too bad she and he can't get into an activity . play cards or something ...
Me: I know that she used to ask of him all the time . many times . don't you ever put me in one of those places and I've asked of him did he promise her he wouldn't do that and he says no . that she did ask that of him many times . but his answer to her was always .. "mom we'll do the best we can to keep you in your home and help you . but nobody knows what the future holds ... ".
So no . he didn't ever promise her that he'd never do that to her.
SIL: So why does she play that with him .. more so than she does with anyone else . why does she do that . and why does he wear it on his sleeve so badly".
Long and short, .. I've tried to encourage he get counseling . he won't .. and
come to terms with "life as she knew it is gone" and the "loss" piece, and he does feel that she "opens up" and shares with him, her struggles ..
She said she told the psych doc of her having put her head in her son's lap and sobbed . .. and he only said, "that kinda thing happens .. it's particularly hard . she's there .. in that site . mostly as to her mobility issues and lack thereof . her cognitive function . while somewhat impaired . is not as far gone . as some there . and so it's hard .. it's particularly hard for those who still have their brain function to find themselves in that setting . and struggling with all they've lost ..
Said that he stressed to her, that it's important that those that do love her and support her remain a part of her life, allow her to vent . and listen to her . and that's the best "gift" she can get, to know that they care about her ..
Went on to say that he will talk with the Psych NP . about increase in AD .. doesn't think a sedative necessary .... will increase seeing her to 2 x's weekly and revisit the issue with the minister that sees her weekly . to reiterate the struggles and urge her to continue working with MIL . and that he knows the minister is trying to get together a bible study group .. as to those who are cognitively able to do so . and MIL he says fits that bill .. and so that he will dial in on .
I was .. .. I dunno . mixed bag . some of the "responses" she said as to the talk with the psych doc sounded like they were parroted from her mouth ... "the best thing we can do is go visit her" . . "yea that's going to happen" ... so on and so forth .. sounded like maybe she planted those words in his mouth . and then parroted what he said to me .. in answer to it all.
But .. I was relieved that reaching out to her did spur some action rather than . "oh I don't know, those AD's cause diahrea .. or oh those sedatives . she has such balance issues, is a fall risk" . at least she didn't put up a stone wall and refuse to "see/hear" what was said to her, and actually took some action to address it.
I was somewhat encouraged .. momentarily . when yesterday DH had gone to see his mom . and . I got a text from church lady.
Went about like this: "I just got back from seeing MIL . what wonderful visit we had . she was in good spirits . she shared with me the photo album that DH had taken to her, of her days camping across the U.S. .. she and her husband . and so spirited our conversation . and she was in a good place, it was a nice visit, just wanted to share that with you".
I thought "hooray" . I know that photo album he took to her .. it did buy him . at least a few mins .. he and she . of "normal" conversation that wasn't centered around the woe with me that always plays like a broken record in his visits there. It did buy him some of that, not for long . but at least a few mins of conversation that was "normal" centered around those pics she was perusing in the photo album . until it did turn to the woe with me, it always does.
But I thought "hooray" that's given her a renewed . .at least for now . sense of happier times . and something to reflect on . and brought about better spirits.
I knew DH was . as we spoke, me and church lady . he was at Purgatory visiting his mom . and I hoped that extended to his visit there, finding her in better spirits.
Nope.
He came home, ..
Me to DH: "I talked to L (church lady) she said she had a wonderful visit with your mom earlier, her talking of that camping photo album you took to her . that your mom was pleasant and in good spirits".
DH shaking his head in absolute almost bewilderment: "She told me that church lady came and stayed too long and talked to much .. why is my mom so negative .. she had nothing nice to say about it, why . why is she so negative with me".
Of course, I had no answer to that. He then went on to say how unhappy . so forth .
that a day to her, might as well equate to a month or more ... she does get days and times mixed up . but she isn't so far gone . that she doesn't realize .. that there is a yesterday and a tomorrow . and so forth.
So that's not it . it's not like she is so far gone that his absence there .. for 4 days and DD having visited just a mere 2 days prior . to her somehow seemed as though no one has been there for months .. years.
My objective in reaching out to SIL .. as I don't generally do .. and I told her so, . was one of .. I'd implored her brother to dig down on the issue and talk to the psych . but that met in him . some stone walling in the form of "of course she's gonna be upset and sad, she's living out her worst nightmare in that place, every day of her life" and so he's not likely gonna dig out the nuts and bolts of all this and try to put it back together in any form that makes any sense . and so SIL I am putting this in your corner, . .and my hope is that you will do so .. she does not have to be this miserable . . unhappy .. yes, that's gonna be a given .. but sobbing .. and so miserable .. it needs to be dialed in on .. I mean . I will call them . but I figured I'd put this in your corner, this latest and see what your thoughts are on it .. the psych doc needs to know this is going on . are the other staff aware that she is this miserable .. have they observed this? What are they doing to address it, or is this just something she exhibits to DH only .. I don't know ..
I even went into, .. "I don't know that maybe they need to consider some mild daily sedation . she doesn't have to be this anxiety riddled, and to me, it almost seems cruel to continue to allow that her daily life .. is this miserable . when there is help .. medication that would take the edge off of what it is that makes her so miserable .. adjust her AD's .. I don't know . but it needs to be dialed in on .. badly, IMO . it's bordering on cruelty that it's not being adequately dealt with . I don't know if that means a change of AD . an increase of AD .. a sedative of some sort, .. I don't know . but .. I am asking you to .. sit up and take notice".
She thinking out loud,... "she sees the psych doc and I know that minister person also works with her .. I wonder if they're aware just how miserable she is and that she was sobbing talking to her son".
Me: "I don't know, probably not .. I just envision these folks in a professional capacity come in to see her, and . her thinking she has to "present" as someone that is doing "okay" answers in kind . and maybe she isn't even capable of processing at this point SIL . that their sole focus is to help her dial in on .. what she can do . to not be so unhappy and so anxiety riddled as to her daily life as it is now .. she maybe can't even process that any longer, . how forthright is she with them .. I know when I've been there and someone comes in and asks of her "so how ya doing" . her pat answer is "Oh I'm doing okay" .. she is old school, don't complain ... so forth .. how much is she actually sharing with them of her anguish . ..
As a result, SIL did reach out and speak to the psych doc that sees her on his Friday visits to the site .. he agreed to see her on his also visits on Tuesdays . so he will amp up his talk therapy with her .. 2 x's weekly .. he has already . the psych doc reached out to the minister that also visits the site there .. and asked of her that she works with MIL . .counsel etc .. that's ongoing . and he says to SIL that he feels she does indeed open up to him .. that she is struggling with Loss .. loss of her home, her independence, her beloved dog .. her possessions she collected over decades and decades .. loss .. all of it . the loss of mobility .. finding herself in a place where others are so severely impaired, and she yes has her own impairment .. cognitively . but not as severe as some who are there . and the whole thing . him helping her to come to
One can't as a parent, be there, 24/7 .. with their young people . who are stretching their wings .. and learning to fly without parental oversight ... you just can't.
I think about some of the things I put myself into as a young person .. and truthfully I was a pretty sensible, responsible kid ... and not given for to risky behaviors, really.
One that has come to mind more than a few times once I had kids of my own and some perspective. I hung out with a g'friend in my younger years that was given to more risk . than I was .. but I guess I found that exciting I don't know.
I think of a time I couldn't have been more than maybe 15/16 years old, . she had a guy friend .. don't even know how she knew the fella .. but he was older, ..maybe late 20's early 30's . had his ow apartment.
We'd go over there and hang out .. and he'd let us drink and smoke .. and had his own apartment, how liberating ...
Until .. he began to get a little "fresh" (what did we think he .. just likes hanging out with teens with no motive at all?) .. and ... even that was a little bit exciting . at first .. this older guy, his own place .. so forth. Until it wasn't anymore, it was frightening, at least to me .. and I quit going with her over there. I don't know if she continued to frequent his place, but I no longer did so.
I shutter to think .. and have many times, .. that was likely some pedophile . fettish of teen girls or something and what could've happened ...
We all, .. most of us .. can reflect back on dangerous situations we put ourselves in, as young people who are, so they think, invincible. It's only after some life experience and enough instantaneous tragedies that we witness in friends and loved ones .. that we come to any real clarity .. there but for the Grace of God and realization that bad things happen .. so fast .. and one can avoid some of those bad things by not placing themselves in peril .. hopefully, or at least lessen that exposure ... if we could just implant the brain/life experience of a 50 yo into a teen .. how much simpler life would be for many many people.
As to the MIL saga .. I do wonder at times, . is it possible that she thinks she somehow "owes" to to DH .. DH in particular, specifically him . to play her record of woe with me, and if so .. why? Why him? I don't know the answer to that.
I do know that .. with the latest saga .. I had .. I don't usually do so .. and try to stay with a 10 foot pole away from all things managing MIL .. it usually doesn't end well.
I had pondered reaching out to the psych doc on my own .. of my own accord, but didn't feel comfortable doing so .. as truthfully I am not hands on there, .. at all. I go on occasion when DH goes to visit . but not every time . and I never go on my own ... so .. to reach out, at least in my perspective, felt a little busy body . and perhaps .. none of my biz.
I had implored that DH do so . and of course, wrote her how that conversation went.
What I did do .. is what I normally stay very far away from doing. I called SIL . and reported it to her, . and asked if she'd like me to talk to the psych doc ..
I wish I could write her verbatim how that conversation with SIL went ..
For one thing . she found it surprising . "really? I just talked to her this morning and she seemed fine .. did DH say what had her so upset, . what precipitated her weeping to that degree, did he say?".
No he didn't . and I didn't ask him .. it may have been nothing at all . .for all I know .. he only related that she'd been SO GRATEFUL he'd come to see her, and hadn't abandoned her .. (he'd been there 4 days prior . and DD and company had been there 2 days prior .. so .. not like she'd been left for weeks with no visitors . and she's not that far gone . dementia-wise . that a day to
also everyone is assuming the driver and deceased passenger are boys and that the driver is an adult.
no one read the news article or the press release posted in multiple FB groups. It was a car full of teenage girls and all these people are saying “RIP a father lost his son. A young boy lost his life. The driver should be thrown in jail, he’s an adult who should know better!!”. SMDH. The driver was a 15 year old GIRL and her deceased friend is a GIRL too.
I've beeen listening to some podcasts by a life coach (Brook Castillo) about thinking models. I don't think she invenfed it but has been sucussful helping people with it. Bascially it starts with a circumstance - which can trigger a thought, which causes feelings that cause an action that causes a result. I'm plugging lots of situations into this model to see if it highlights anything - so I thought I'd have a go with this;
Circumstance: MIL got old & didn't want to
Thought: ?????????
Feeling: DH is sad about this. Guilt too?
Action: DH plans to take MIL to Smalltown
Result: very hard / ? impossible road trip for (in my opinion) zero result. Town will be too changed to enjoy any happy memories.
What is DH thinking? What is the *thought* behind feeling sad? And that is key because if you change the thought, it all changes. Like this:
Circumstance: MIL got old & didn't want to *same*
but then
Thought: ***I can help her look back over her glory days***
Feeling: DH feels useful & a loving son
Action: DH arranges more reminiscence props: old photos, old music, old movies. Engage Activities staff to look for ways to connect using happy memories.
Result: MIL gets more enjoyment in life
Am I crazy or is this worth a go?
PS and add some drugs too!
I told her she needed help. Her ex husband told her. Her parents told her. Other friends told her. Her daughter went to live with her father because he abused her so badly.
I totally agree with you! Everyone also told her that he should not be living there with her. She says she will never allow him to leave her home. She’s not rational. One time she told me that God was going to let her live forever because her son needed her. So, she thinks she will not die before him. She is beyond burned out. No one will offer to sit with him now because of his violent behavior. I say this is something outside of autism. I am not an expert either but he did not behave like that when he was younger. He was a sweetheart.
Her mom reported her because she loves her grandson. She was investigated. She lies to others. But we have seen her with our own eyes how she does not give him the prescribed dosages. It breaks my heart. It’s not his fault. It’s upsetting because he is non verbal. He can’t express his feelings. Her mom threatened to sue her and be the guardian of her grandson. I wonder if she has something beyond bipolar disorder. Her daughter also has autism and she thrived under her father’s care. She’s grown up so sweet. She was friends with my daughter while growing up. She is a lovely young woman now.
I also became concerned because her son’s seizures were happening more often. Very often I drove them to the hospital. I would hear her lie to the nurses at the hospital about his meds. She either overdoses or underdoses. Dangerous in my opinion.
I don’t know what is going to happen. She can’t handle it anymore. She tried to commit suicide due to the stress. His dad took him in while she was hospitalized. I was hoping that she would be better when she got out of the hospital but she hasn’t. It’s sad. I don’t see her much anymore. I hope one day she allows him to live with his dad or grandma. I hope she gets the help she needs. I fear for him because he is so vulnerable. His autism is pretty severe. She has a challenge but she will not admit that she can’t handle it. Everyone tried to tell her with love and compassion but she starts screaming at everyone. When she is manic it’s a hopeless situation.
I wish the investigation would have been more thorough. She is a former nurse with a masters. She can put on a good act.
Your neighbor’s son needs to be removed from that home. If he’s acting that way - there’s a reason. He’s expressing how he feels and clearly - he’s angry and frustrated.
In nearly 27 years Rainman has never raised his hand to me. Once in a while he’ll kinda growl at me and I immediately tell him in a stern voice that’s not okay. Then he puckers up his lips for a little kiss - his way of saying “sorry”.
Im certainly not a perfect mom. Nor am I an expert on Autism. But I know enough to know - something ain’t right over at the neighbors.
Have you ever considered calling APS?
To everyone else - I apologize for the brief highjack.
What I think is sad about people with meds also is when they are taken incorrectly. An old neighbor of mine, she is a former nurse is always adjusting her own bipolar meds instead of going to her psychiatrist and talking about how the meds are effecting her.
She also adjusts her son’s meds. Incredibly sad, he has autism and is non verbal.
Sure, as you say meds may needs tweaking from time to time but I feel the patient should always do this with the advice of their doctor. She always feels like she knows more than her doctor. Her son is extremely violent and I can’t help but think he is withdrawing when she cuts back on the drugs. He can’t tell her. He is non verbal. Then she bumps up his meds. It’s crazy.
I used to sit with her son years ago to help her out. He was fine as a young child. A few outbursts here and there but nothing unmanageable. Later in his teen years he started attacking me. I stopped sitting with him for her to get her hair done, shop, dr appointments, etc.
He started attacking his mom and grandma constantly. But when I turned black and blue, I never sat with him again. Sad part is her son had great care with Children’s Hospital here in New Orleans. It’s an excellent hospital. They can be treated there until they are 21. He turned 22 so she will have to find another place to treat him.
Meds are necessary but I get so sad when I hear of people not taking them the proper way. Or stopping taking them without consulting their doctor. In some cases it’s dangerous to do.
She is totally irrational when it comes to her son. First she apologized to me for his attacking me. Then she said that I should have run faster from him. I am tiny. He towers over me at 6’2”! He weighs well over 200 pounds. I am barely 5ft tall. I weigh just a little over 100 pounds. I was terrified of him. She runs from him but she doesn’t get away fast enough either. His poor grandma is attacked and she is little like me. Sad.
I almost wanted to say that you should tell H to have at it and take his mom to her hometown. (I think it’s her hometown? Or favorite place to visit). But in her current state, it might do more harm than good. So it’s probably best to stay quiet on that front and not encourage him. And even if he did take her, what good will come from it? It won’t make her happy in the long term. And 2, 3 days later will she even remember the trip? Or will she be asking to go as if she hasn’t just been there?
Frankly, it looks what is going on here is the DH has been groomed over a lifetime to think that there is some holy grail out there that will make his mom happy, something that HE is responsible for providing. SiL operates on the same assumption.
Dorker, you can't change the way DH thinks about his mother's needs. I applaud you for being the voice of reason, but I doubt you will be able to get either of them to see the light.
In your position, I would probably throw in the boundary towel for a bit and call the facility on Monday and talk to the mental health folks
I used to hate that 'bouncing ball' ad for Zoloft, cause, folks, I've been on and off that for 23 years and I NEVER felt like a happy bouncing ball! Took the edge off the horrible depression and helped a little with the anxiety, but I am by no means considered 'cured'. And yes, we've tweaked my dosage and done add-ons and all that to achieve some measure of balance.
If all an AD did for MIL was keep her from weeping on DH's lap and maybe having a measure of peace in her life---I'd be all over that.
As far as side effects..they dose very carefully in elders and watch for side effects. As over involved as SIL is in all things pertaining to her mother, you'd think she'd KNOW this.
At any given time, about half the population of the US is on some kind of mood stabilizer. Of my 5 kids, 3 are on AD's...and happily so. We'd be a morbid bunch without them.
My DH often states that we both take AD's so we can stand to live with each other--there is truth in that statement.
Beven there, done that. No amount of reassurance helped my mom. Meds did.
If they don't get that, I'm so sorry for MIL's pain. Her brain is broken. Meds can help with that. ADs never caused my mom (very prone to diarrheal side effects) any balance, sedation or GI problems. And if they did, well, she's in a NH for a reason, isn't she?
I have empathy for those who have real issues and are open to receiving help but get frustrated with those who seem to enjoy their imagined situations.
Sometimes it’s a mystery. Seriously, I know someone that constantly says that she thinks about what she has to be worry or be sad about.
The ridiculous part is this person has lived a privileged life! She has lovely children and grandchildren, no major health issues, lives in a beautiful home, no financial problems, etc.
Yet, she is chronically miserable! She refuses to take the advice that a psychiatrist gave her. She refused medication. She only went to see a psychiatrist because her children begged her to go. She lied to the psychiatrist, saying that her children were overreacting.
How do you help someone that doesn’t feel like they need help? She loves being miserable and feels others should be in misery if they ignore her behavior.
She always has to find a new audience for her ‘woe is me’ performances because everyone is onto her nonsense. It’s terribly hard when a miserable person is a family member. If it is someone that we don’t have to be involved with, I say it’s better to walk away. Sometimes we even have to walk away from family members.
(And as annoying as the Smalltown idea is, it's much better than him pushing the Yellow Room one!)