I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Anyone know?
Its as if she has been completely erased...
In fact, I don't really think it's all that problematic to her. So she wakes from a nap .. as her roomie was noting ... in the AM .. and suddenly in a pinch to "get up now, breakfast is coming, need to get up and get dressed and ready for the day", and so the roomie then informs her, .. "it's nearly lunch, you already had b'fast and fell asleep . .it's not morning, it's lunch time".
Problem only in that, it takes her quite a while to absorb the above and process it . and actually "accept" as she then questions again and again, "what day is this?", that sorta thing, over and over again.
Until she finally does "orient" to the time of day. Finally.
Outside of that, I think she's quite fine going along, not having a care in the world as to whether it's morning, afternoon or otherwise. I don't think it really matters to her.
It's not at all a scenario where she perhaps glances over at a clock that reads 3:00 and puzzles and tries to then discern .. gee .. is it 3 in the AM or 3 in the afternoon. I don't think she cares, ... not really.
It's only when she is .. as noted before, . visited by DH .. and found to be napping ... and he doesn't awaken her, .. he sits quietly and scrolls his phone or whatever, and generally she will awaken on her own, while he's there. THEN .. she does yes, .. "well why are you here so early? What time is it?".
To her it feels like, I suppose, that she slept all night . and it's a new day.
And then when he says to her, "mom it's not early, it's 4:30 in the afternoon", she then begins to try to get her bearings around that .. and that takes some time, .. quite a while, as she then asks repeatedly .. I guess trying to come out of a stupor of sleep .. "what day is this? This is still Wednesday .. well I could've sworn this was a whole other day, what day is this? Well, what time is it?".
Repeatedly telling her, as she works to get her bearings ... that it's 4:30 Wednesday afternoon. Over and over.
But no, she doesn't pick up the phone, e.v.e.r. and call any of us, confused as to what time is it, what day is this?
We've been fortunate.
It hangs on the kitchen wall under a weather station screen so it’s kind of a techie space that I find myself referring to multiple times throughout the day. And - I actually find the clock helpful with its clear readout of day, date and time.
But - I don’t have dementia.
I honestly wonder - when days of the week lose their meaning to one with diminishing cognitive function and as Dorker mentioned - one day is really the same as the next - if this clock, supposedly designed for a brain effected by Alzheimer’s - if it’s really helpful at all...
THAT one issue, among many many others, was a factor in my proceeding as I did to exit the scene. There were many factors, it's only one of them. But it was one of them.
It was maddening. Didn't matter what time of the day the appt was scheduled, one could plan on arriving there, to retrieve her at least 2 to 2 1/2 hours earlier than needed to keep her on task, and moving forward as to the task at hand, and keep her on focus.
Not only do you then have to allow that xtra time as to allotting out your time to see to a doc appt., . and then cart them to said appt .. and then deal with their somewhat slippery slope of a mind as the doc questions them .. on whatever the issue is and they go off subject, telling about when they were small and playing on the railroad tracks near their home (absolutely zero to do with what we're here at the doc for) .. then . you see to the visit . and get back on your way home, only to now have to stop at 3 or 4 other places, . and slow as molasses as she would prod along ... to see to whatever else was needed.
It was a whole day shot to h377 and gone, each time there was any doc appt . and then .. she had many, between dentists, eye docs, ortho docs, GP, cardio, neuro, you name it ...
Same thing with vet appts., and her along for the visit .. same circle of maddening events.
It was very much a factor, one of many that precipitated my exit . as to the c'giver role.
I don't hold out a lot of hope the new clock will prove all that beneficial as one has to remember to glance at it, and then remember that it will inform, if you'll actually look at it, .. "hey it's afternoon" . it says so right there .. but one has to remember to note that, and look for it. Not sure at all she will remember the reverence of it to do so.
We will see.
For the most part, I don't know that one in a NH settting .. really .. do they have to keep up with whether it's morning/afternoon/evening, really? It's not that important, one day is the same as the next, and if you have a hair appt., or a PT session . . or whatever it is, .. they will come get you. So you don't even have to really keep up with whether it's morning/afternoon or whatever. Not really.
But I guess it could be somewhat disconcerting to the individual themselves as they try to get their bearings as to what day it is . what portion of what day .. etc.
SIL has reached out to the RM folks, and they are to send some paperwork, something to do with a 3rd party designee as to going forward .. (her as 3rd party) . and .. so that is in the works.
It's not a fast process apparently.
I can recall for a long while, .. her living at home alone, me on the front to cart her to doc appts ..
Let's say the appt is at 10 AM. I'd arrive there to cart her to said doc appt., maybe 9:15 or so, .... that's before I *got it* .. she ain't there mentally, as to how to manage time.
She'd be sitting in her pj's .. and picking thru her b'fast cereal and reading some piece of mail she's puzzling over, or some magazine article. No urgency whatsoever, to the fact we need to be out the door here in 15 mins .. and you're still eating ..!!!.... and you move slower than molasses on a cold January day .. and you still have to brush your teeth and get dressed.
It got to where I'd now arrive a good 2 hours ahead of time, this then would aggravate her, .. "Well why are you here so early, .. we don't have to be the doctor until _____ what time is it?".
That was so that I could prod her along, and keep her moving .. and her aggravated with me, dragging her feet every step of the way . .and yes, moving slow as molasses. And even still, I'd be stressed the h377 out .. before we could get out the door and into the car, and on our way. GOD FORBID there would be any traffic tie ups along the way.
Prodding her, sitting in her pj's still, bowl of cereal getting soggier by the second, as it sits uneaten, her picking at it, . .and perusing that piece of puzzling mail, or some magazine article she'd found that she wanted to talk to me about . and I'm prodding her along, .. "finish your cereal, we've gotta get moving here" .. and she'd pick up the spoon, eat a bite, then go back to that piece of mail . . (lost on her to multi-task .. eat and talk at the same time and keep things moving in a forward motion).
Prodding, prodding, every step of the way .. "here take your meds, ... " .. that too .. "Oh I'll do that later".... as she then talks more of the magazine article in front of her, and the cereal sits uneaten ... and she still in pj's ..
This went on well before she finally landed in a NH.
I remember when we started entertaining the notion of placement for her, and one of the places we visited, that's when it was thought that AL might be suitable for her.
There in one of the sites we visited, .. we'd talked to the staff there, and evident one is expected to manage time .. in the sense, . one does have to show up . at least some of the time, to the common dining room, for meals . one can't opt continually to eat alone in their room, not in AL .. they expect you to get up, get dressed . and show up .. at least for some of the meals.
That ain't gonna happen . not with her. First off, she doesn't care to fraternize with others .. but beyond that, .. she can't manage time. Period. If b'fast is served at 8:30 AM . .one would ostensibly need to be up and moving, to get dressed and brush their teeth, and so forth, and grab their walker and amble their way on to the dining room . maybe get up about 7:30 to get all that done .. no way would she have been able to "manage" the executive function required to plot all that .. not a chance.
That was before she fell and broke her hip and became even worse mentally.
This day and age, .. you see ... she can't manage time, but not only that, ... she naps some during the day and to be awakened from said nap, whether it's morning of afternoon, complete and utter disorientation as to what time of day it is. She might as well have slept all night and it's another day as far as she can tell. No concept of time. And one would think you could look out the window right beside her bed, gee it's daylight, clock says 3 PM, well it's gotta be afternoon, because 3 in the dark, would be morning. Nope, not even that orients her. And not even repeated discussion on it, her asking what time is it, what day is it .. this goes on and on.
Hopefully that clock helps.
The first time it happened - my phone rings at 3am...
Mom: “I thought you were coming over today.”
Me: “Huh... What?”
Mom: “You said you were coming by.”
Me: “Mom, it’s 3:00 in the morning, I’m coming over later on.”
Mom: “It is? Oh my! I don’t know how I made this mistake. Go back to sleep.”
And, she quickly hung up and had the decency to sound sorry and embarrassed.
But - it went downhill from there. In a big way. Pre-dawn calls asking what time it was, was it morning or night, what day it was... there was a 5am call full of anxiety as to why I wasn’t there to take her to her doctors appointment. The appointment was at 11:00 - which she knew but still thought I needed to be there to pick her up - so she’d be on time.
I too, bought the clock. It was actually called an Alzheimer’s Clock. Got it through Amazon and paid a ridiculous amount for what it was - but it was the easiest to read. At least I thought so - in my nondemented mind.
In the end - the clock was too late. My mom was mid severe downward turn when I gave it to her. Too
little - Too late. I can’t say if it would have helped - earlier in her dementia. God knows, I explained the indicator light for am/pm on her bedside clock. Where on her computer- that she still used - where it says the time and “am/pm”. I even suggested looking out the window to see if it was frickin’ dark out - to determine whether it was 3am or 3pm...
But the calls kept coming in the dead of night and the wee predawn hours. In hindsight - I see now - that this was the first in-my-face indicator that something serious was going on with my mother. I did eventually figure that out. But in the beginning? That first 3am call? Sure, I was baffled and concerned - but really - I hadn’t a clue. It NEVER occurred to me that the smartest woman I had ever known could no longer reason that if it was dark out - that it was night.
I guess that was one thing my
mom was right about. She always said I had to learn everything the hard way.
We are now dealing with it with my FIL - actually, we've dealt with it for the 25 years we have been married - but it is getting worse as he gets older and fixates on much smaller and stupider issues. My MIL's approach is to try to soothe him and have one of the kids pick up and fix - but my DH refuses to do so. So either we hear him rant on the phone about the latest iniquity or we hear my MIL hand wringing. It drives us batty.
Me, when i'm old(er) - will be the old lady with NO FILTER and tell everyone and anyone just what i think. I'm looking forward to it.
the social circles he used to operate in .. and doctors that he knew, now older like him and/or retired mostly .. the whole system of healthcare has changed so drastically . and is hard for almost any of us to navigate . nearly impossible for those who are compromised, as is he.
This is obviously a guy who spent his life being able to shake loose from the limb of any tree, that which he needed, as to paving a path forward . in almost any situation . he knew enough people, he knew enough of "the people" in those circles to grease any path forward, and without as much headache as is experienced in today's world of technology and everything is handled by computers . and talking heads and pencil necks as he refers to them (bean counters).
Now you have an old guy that can no longer navigate things as easily .. his own frailties at play and those same social circles, . those people are either retired and/or dead . and .. so making a phone call to my good ole buddy so and so, .. ain't gonna happen . .good ole buddy so and so has died . as did his cohort . and the other associate he knew there, .. and so forth.
He has to play by the rules we all play by .. and watching it from afar, is rather interesting. This whole saga a case in point. So the doc office doesn't schedule six months out .. that's how they do things . either go with the flow .. (as he puts it, you feel like a widget on an assembly line and if you have one little quagmire, the whole assembly line shuts down and they all stand around and scratch their azzes trying to figure out what to do).
No .. you just go along and be the nice little widget on the assembly line . or you find a setting that works better for the kinda widget you are, it's that simple.
No, I don't get too involved, and don't go around a lot. When I was involved, . the consternation that goes on routinely in their world, in his lack of patience with his demented wife .. and her .. inability to have any recognition for the fact he just blasted you into next week with a verbal whiplash . just shut up . just s.h.u.t. u.p. he's gonna keep blasting you . and you're gonna keep arguing youru point. It's no fun, to be in that proximity for any amount of time.
I often wonder how the c'giver fares in it all, but I haven't talked to her to ask.
I know the stepsister doesn't go around all that much either, more frequent than I do, but not a lot. She and her mom end up on not speaking terms quite frequently .. as she will stand toe to toe with her mom . and storm out and "grab a bunch of gone" as my dad puts it ..
Good for her. I don't blame her.
at some future date, with said appt., and attempts to approach the front desk to circumvent that, useless.
I tried to do so, and found the same brick wall. Explained to me they don't set appts that far out, . they will call him with date for said appt in a few months. This aggravates him . .makes him angry/testy.
We left the PCP office, him complaining at that time .. to him . it would make better sense they go ahead and schedule that appt., he go home and note on his calendar, done, cross that off the list.
I advised perhaps he should just put a ticker/reminder on his PC (adept at using that feature of his PC) .. and have it notify/remind him in a few months, to contact the PCP office, to get that appt scheduled, and at that time, he said basically they can go pizz up a rope. He was angry/aggravated.
Go fight city hall! Whatever.
So ... I dropped that ball ... not gonna set a reminder for me, .. not gonna get that involved.
So, when I talked to him the other day . he was most upset and agitated.
I guess he thought he'd "show them" . only, in the end, they showed him is what actually happened.
They began trying to reach him with said appt in mind . and he ignored their phone calls, on purpose. His thinking (such old man, crotchety old man chit) .. "they don't wanna schedule the appt at the time that I'm there in their faces . they wanna put it off for another day and then bug the chit out of me at home . on the phone .. they can go pizz up a rope", and he ignored their phone calls. He "showed them" . not gonna mess with him.
Only in the end, . he went to renew an rx .. required doc approval . doc declined to do so .. explanation . "we need to see you, for your six month visit and we've been unable to reach you to get that scheduled, we'll need to get that on the schedule, and then we can renew your rx".
He was torqued, to the max.
I said to him at the time: "Dad if their system doesn't work for you, you do realize there are a number of other PCP's in this city . you can always change doctors, if it torques you that badly, .. perhaps you need to go to work on finding another PCP . and have that be one of the requirements, that you discuss with their office, before changing docs".
He then went into some diatribe (old man chit) .. "Oh I think they keep the door open for him to retire, .. the place is being run by the other docs on the staff there . I think my doc is one foot out the door these days .. and that's maybe why it's run the way it is .. I suspect eventually he'll retire and I'll be forced to find another PCP . but for the time being, he has my history . he knows my meds, .. I'll just stay put".
Me: Dad all that stuff is electronic and can be sent to whatever doc you choose, with the click of a button . and any other doc you choose can have that info .. in a nano-second .. it's not that hard .. if it's something that torques you to this degree, the way they do things .. I think I'd be looking at changing docs .. and whether or not he retires/has one foot out the door, whatever .. immaterial to me
At that, pacifies me with some dialogue about, .. "Well I guess I thought I won the battle there, but looks like they won the war didn't they".
Whatever. Old man chit ... through and through . old man chit .. why make yourself crazy over something like that. Just nuts. That's the way they do things there, don't like it, change docs, that simple. Not that difficult.
It's kinda interesting to watch from afar, . this is a guy who was a high level executive all his life . and in circles of the medical professions . knew doctors socially . and so . in a lot of cases . throughout his life has been able to pull strings, where necessary . and pave the path forward, in his younger years and more adroit times ... and in times when managed care wasn't the order of the day as it is now days.
Now however, .. not only has he grown old, ... and the social circles he
I have talked to him one time on the phone in the last couple of weeks, just to check in. Prior to that, his wife was hospitalized. She gets this from time to time, origin of it, never really dialed in on .. she gets severe anemia .. and weak, so forth, and gets hospitalized, tests run to see if internal bleeding ongoing .. so forth, nope. Gets transfusions and is ticked back up as to the hemoglobin numbers and sent on her way. That was the case most recently.
I wasn't to know this, it was to have been kept a deep dark secret, I think .. from everyone, not just me .. stepmom's sisters also.
Very private . for whatever the reasons.
The only reason I did know, .. was because over xmas my dad had given me a tracphone he'd purchased for himself (the smart phones are beyond anything he wants to learn). He wanted me to have one of my kids, far more techie than he or I .. to program it, or whatever, and use his cc to put the minutes/hours on it.
I took that phone, . had one of my kids do so .. and then tried to get back w/him to return it to him and it was never a good time to go that way to give it back to him .. his wife in the throes of her severe anemia (likely her dementia as a result causing some problems, I don't know, he didn't specify).
Suddenly .. I get a call from stepmom's daughter, that she was being hospitalized .. and my dad needs that phone . as he will be in the hospital to visit his wife and needs to be able to phone her, or the c'giver .. to have one of them come get him, etc.
So stepmom's daughter, suggested a clandestine meeting in the pkg garage of the hospital for me to turn that phone over to her, for her to give it back to my dad, I did that.
So the few days that stepmom was inpatient .. dad was carted to and fro the hospital to visit her, by the c'taker and/or the step sister. I was absent the entire scene . and not sorry for it. Fine by me.
I called to check in on my dad during that time, to see how he was faring . with his wife confined to the hospital. Sounds like at least one of those nights, he ended up taking his phone off the hook. His wife calling him every 10 mins . wanting to go home .. disoriented (dementia) .. and causing disruption .. argument .. wanted to go home . come get me, that kinda thing.
I reminded him in one of those conversations that she is going to have to be placed, .. sooner rather than later, . and acknowledged that I'm aware one would do better to tangle with a lion's tail than to suggest that to her. He said he knows that is the eventuality . but is resigned to put it off as long as is humanly possible. I didn't ask any further questions.
I wasn't asked to be on the front to help out in anyway . other than to deliver that tracphone .. to the stepsister .. and that was the only thing I was asked to do .. and so I didn't ask any probing questions.
Likely I won't, ask any probing questions. They are, somehow . for the most part, . .likely with lots of consternation and argument in their midst .. if I know them .. living life daily with the c'taker on hand .. and .. navigating their needs in that fashion, not asking for my input or help. If that's what works for them til the end of times . then so be it.
I got a bit aggravated w/my dad in talking to him .. old man stuff . not necessarily cognitive in nature, just stubborn old man stuff.
Scene: Months ago when I was on the scene, and had carted him to his PCP for an appt .. there they said the next follow up would need to transpire at six months. My dad .. at that time, complained to me that the doc office, doesn't set up appts that far out in advance, ... for whatever their reasons .. the way they work, they will contact him at some
How's he doing with his 6-month plan to get his affairs in order? Bet he hasn't done a thing.
Not to mention that when she was being paid by us, likely she was driven to the brink of insanity by SIL.
Interesting visit with MIL late yesterday afternoon/evening.
DH hadn't been there to see her in over a week (work constraints keeping him from there). Been even longer since I've been there.
I went with DH this time, to go visit MIL. You'd of thought she'd seen a ghost when we walked in . .been so long since she's seen DH.
Will be interesting to see if the latest whirligig ordered by SIL delivered here via Amazon proves helpful. I don't know that it will.
MIL is forever napping during the day and when she awakens . she is completely disoriented as to time .. and so forth, happens daily . usually more than once. A good for instance, DH may stop by there at say 4 PM at the end of his work day, and find her napping. He doesn't awaken her. Waits .. generally she'll stir awake and see him there, .. question why he's there so early. In other words, she has a clock, sees it's 4 or so but whether that 4 is afternoon or early AM .. not anything she's dialed in on, even though one can look out the window and see it's daylight, . that might be a clue that it's afternoon, to most of us .. not to her. Takes her quite a while to orient to the time of day, this happens a lot.
SIL ordered a clock that is meant to address just that issue in the elderly or those that struggle with such, it illuminates . and it tells you whether it's morning, afternoon or evening, . and the time of day, day of the week, . and in contrasting colors ..
The hope , . that she'll look at that clock, where it clearly states "morning" or whatever, and better orient as to the time of day it is ...
She can and does fall asleep at times after b'fast . .and then later, . awaken .. at say 11 AM .. and suddenly she is speaking that it's time to get up . b'fast trays coming soon .. no orientation as to time of day.
We'll see if it proves beneficial. I don't know that it will. I know when we arrived there, .. she'd not been asleep to our knowledge . but was completely not connected as to what day it is .. and whether it's morning or evening, etc. Showed her on the clock, "see, here it says evening". Oh yea, she said, I see that now. Will she remember to reference that? We'll see.
But anyway .. we visited for a little bit . kept the conversation on the here and now . talking about g'kids . talking about current events, talking about how her sister is doing, etc. We stayed maybe an hour or so.
Time for us to go, and DH announced to her that we were gonna head on out, . that he was tired, . gonna head home and shower and go to bed . been a grueling week. To which she responded, "yes that's what you need to do go home and get some rest" .. at which he and I were now standing putting our coats on . and she then said, .. "I just don't know what's to become of me here, what's next for me".
Always the segway into her woe with me, .. "what's next for me, . what's my purpose, what's to become of me here" her mantra.
We practically had one foot out the door when she said that . and we both ignored it . said our g'byes and left.
Lesson there .. don't stay so long . just as I've advised .. keep the conversation short and sweet and then say your g'byes .. doesn't give the opportunity for that woe with me dialogue ..
Even DH said, as we walked out into the parking lot towards the car, "Did you catch that?". Me: "What?". DH: Mom . started in on her woe with me, .. here we are saying our g'byes trying to get out the door, and she wants to open the door to all that woe with me talk". Me: "Yep .. lesson there DH . as I've told you, don't stay so long .. if you keep it short and sweet and guide the conversation that doesn't come up".
IF ...............
You don't have the ability to weed out and discern that which doesn't need dialing in on to begin with.
Thus the reason I saw it coming and said so to DH .. (who incidentally isn't the one to dial in on things any dang way .. not his thing) .. and said so to SIL .. in advance, thinking she'd heed .. "look out . it's coming . this is gonna be the new song and dance, just know it came from M ... and we all know M's elevator doesn't go to the top floor).
Somewhat annoying. And also heard from church lady who had graced MIL with a visit today (sadly, MIL hasn't been visited by DH this week at all, it's been good on our front that he hasn't been able to do so . but not so good as to MIL). Church lady said she found her to be sad and tearful, that she prays to God that he'll come for her, she prays that she can find a friend like her, .. not so cognitively impaired .. was sad/forlorn, mostly.
I didn't say it, . but my thoughts: Gee the woman sees the:
Hairdresser every Monday
She sees PT every single day
She sees the psych doc 2 x's weekly
The minister 1 x weekly
Talks to her daughter at least 1x daily on the phone
Generally sees her son . maybe 1 or 2 x's weekly (not this week)
SW comes to visit and check on her at least 1x weekly
Talks on the phone to her 94 yo sister 1x weekly
Talks on the phone to her g'daughter in IL, usually 1 x weekly
Now I am sure, if I reported the above (and my annoyance) to SIL . ... she'd say something to justify her mom's sadness in the realm of .. "Well she has a whole lot she's lost also . her home .. her independence, her things .. and she lives in that place with people who aren't altogether there mentally .. so she's gonna be sad".
I just found it rather annoying ..
She sees far more people in the span of a week's time . .and 'sane' people (ostensibly) than she saw in a month living at home on her own. But somehow still, the loneliness is crushing . and the sadness and melancholy of it all.
I AM OVER IT
Poor J. If every client she had felt this way - had just one little, teeny tiny question to asked her - that would only take a minute - J would be a nonprofit in and of herself.
Kills me. SIL never has and NEVER will get it - that her mother and her happiness is not the most important priority on every persons on the planets radar.
The previous AL facility my mother was in had annual increases which in truth were extreme and were a constant source of worry and talk at mealtimes. That was a cold hard fact and I could not dispute those concerns. It was right up there with every complaint manageable about the temperature of the food,timeliness of it served,too salty,tasteless you name it. Constant creativity with complaints. Thank God for us that her present AL which is a not for profit has only had minor cost increases in 3 years yet when one is coming that is the height of conversation.
All you can do is communicate to SIL you are not in the habit of being advised by those suffering with advance stages of dementia.
we don't make $ giving out free advice, and/or digging down on someone's problem .. and giving them an answer. That's not how it works. If you want the gal to answer you to as to what she's heard, if anything . then contact the biz manager there at the atty office and offer to pay J to go to work on the issue, . don't wanna do that, leave her alone .. and don't worry with it. Whatever.
Next she called Medicaid Betty . .and I guess Medicaid Betty too reported .. in the short/brief conversation had on the topic .. that no . she hasn't heard anything . doesn't know of any bad things .. as to Purgatory . .as to staff/residents leaving in droves, nor the sale of the site .. not to her knowledge.
Just annoying .. only because .. it kinda popped up on my radar in the form of SIL then reporting in as to what she's doing to dial down on that which I wouldn't of found necessary to dial in on to begin with .. and hitting a brick wall with J . and no response there, . and over here like, .. "well duh .. the woman isn't gonna be answering to you . she doesn't owe you a dam thing .. hello!".
Just annoying.
So DH and I were, this is some weeks back, at Purgatory visiting MIL. This is when M (her neighbor across the hall, .. pretty bad dementia this woman) .. had begun this tale of "they're selling this place, .. all our rooms are going to be turned into condos, $200k .. I guess we'll all be in the street"
This M woman, is the same woman who hollers out all the time, "help me, somebody help me, please . somebody help me". Staff doesn't always respond in a timely manner, as this is really common for the woman to do this, and when someone does respond she generally doesn't remember what was pressing that she needed to holler out "help me, somebody help me".
MIL does at times, wheelchair herself over to M . to ascertain what's the problem and the result is the same when MIL attempts. The woman probably needs to be in MC . but I don't make those judgement calls.
The woman had begun this whole "They're selling the place here, .. ", that whole thing.
I told DH after we left there, .. "get ready . that'll be the next thing on the radar ... MIL will be worrying all of you . that the place is being sold, she'll buy into that".
Sure enough .. that has risen from the ashes . that whole dialogue, just as I said it would .. and who is on it like white on rice, the whirligig spinners of em all, SIL.
Btw, FWIW .. I shared with SIL also, be on the lookout, .. M is saying blah blah .. and lookout .. so get ready ..
Sure enough .. didn't take long, SIL now hearing MIL's rumblings .. everyone is leaving here, . the residents, the staff, . they're selling the place here .. gonna turn it into condos.
Now if it were me, . having been tipped off that was being bandied about and the source of same is M (who is a few bricks short of a load), I'd dismiss it .. and no way would I be spinning tops and whirligigs to dial in on it, wouldn't happen.
Not chief whirligig spinner.
Her first call was to the biz ofc manager at Purgatory . ."is there any validity to the news the place will be sold, my mom tells me people are leaving there in droves, residents, staff . and the place is to be sold".
Biz ofc mgr found it laughable that anyone would find any validity to that . and no, . no one is leaving . we've had one long time staff member depart for a better job . but that's the only soul that's left here, . as to residents and/or staff . and no . .there isn't any word the place is to be sold.
Her next call was to J .. the social worker .. employed by the atty office, . shot an email out to J.
That one to me, is almost laughable .. because . .when we contracted that atty's office for estate planning and so forth, we also paid J .. as to social services work/counseling, etc, .. an Ala carte feature offered by the atty office. We paid her, at one time, and she rendered services, to MIL as to counseling . and as to looking into settings and so forth ... basically we used up what she'd been paid to do. An invoice sent, detailing how that $ got used, and an explanation that further services by her, would need another stipend on retainer . to the tune of another $1200 or so .. and we declined to do so at that point.
So now SIL shoots off an email to J . (atty office) asking if she's heard anything about the possible sale of Purgatory and/or .. people leaving there in droves. She gets no answer, no response at all, from J, and finds that annoying and puzzling. I said to SIL, "well we declined to pay her for any further services, . she doesn't owe us anything at this point in the way of any dialogue and/or dialing down on what's going on at Purgatory or anywhere else".
SIL: "Well wouldn't ya think she'd at least respond that she doesn't know anything, something . just anything .. she hasn't responded at all, I wonder is she not even employed there anymore".
Me: "I don't know, I wouldn't worry about it".
Side note, being in the svc biz . and rendering services for $ .. we don't
She complains to you .. when she could complain to the staff there, .. the folks that can see to it, as to any issue she's having but she doesn't do so . complains to you . and the result is the same . they'll get it looked at .. creates a middle man in you . same as it ever was ... the number of times we'd go out there when she lived alone . and her having some issue .. and we'd offer to get it seen/looked into and she'd decline not wanting to do so . and then she'd beg us not to tell you . "you know how that daughter of mine is, don't tell her" . .only for you to then be telling us .. that so and so hurts or so and so isn't right . and she needs to be seen, this after begging us not to tell you . and then she'd go and tell you herself .. and you'd get an appt scheduled to get it looked into, creates a middle man in you, so unnecessary".
SIL: I know .. I asked her why she doesn't tell the staff .. and she only says "who would I even tell?".
SIL: I told her, .. oh I dunno . maybe those folks you found cackling and laughing at the nurse station . at 4 in the AM when you'd buzzed for some water and were ignored .. maybe those folks".
That's been the only thing that has bubbled to the surface in the past week . other than some expenditures that are . .at least IMO . .and I said so .. questionable as to her hair services there at the Salon .. at Purgatory and so I spoke up about that, and SIL is going to question it ..
I think the woe with me that weighs so heavily in our hemisphere is shelved, at least for the moment, in DH's absence from visits there this past week . he's working out of town, and long long hours and so going by there for a visit hasn't been possible.
I guess if I were a "good" DIL . .. I'd step in, in his stead and go visit .. but I haven't. I have had my own agenda this week in cooking a church supper and some tax things I'm working on with the biz . and so .. haven't made the time to do so . and not real inclined to do it anyway .. even absent those other commitments. It's been "nice" not having to have the exposure to the woe with me that is a constant in all this. I don't wish to go expose myself to the woe with me . .. that I hear about far too often in DH's visits.