I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Why won't SIL entertain increase in AD's?
Her notion .. her mom so prone for bouts of chitapalooza...and AD's and their propensity to cause same ... worry chitapalooza will increase at increase of AD's.
Ive said it til I am blue "but you're not an MD ... why dont you leave that up to the MD's ... there are so many AD's out on the market ... if one at increased dose causes GI issues ... there are many others that can be tried".
SIL then reverts to the increase in talk therapy she has or orchestrated on her mom's behalf and also then talks of ... she isn't real sure her mom is all that sad ... her words "sometimes I think for her it's all just talking points ... I mean she is trying some ... goes to that program where they watch something like about old movie stars, goes some times to Bingo with her roomie, she even went the other day with her roomie, to the dining room for lunch rather than stay in her room ... so I think some times it's all just talking points for her & she's gunna be sad, h377 we all would be, that's understandable... but she is branching out some, just not all that convinced increasing her AD and possible risk of worsening her chitapalooza is all that needed".
If I were DH and my visits there I'd handle her laments differently. Redirect in reminder of what I hear she's done to engage there, ask her about those experiences. I wouldnt let her unpack her bags and live in that space and then think it helpful with more explanation and justification heard/spoken probably 100 times before.
So I guess now she thinks AL and in the state of IL is going to solve it. Asked DH has she ran this proposition by her daughter, are the wheels turning? No, of course not.
He said in response: "she has to be able to talk about it"
He was somewhat annoyed. Seems he vacillates between bristling at all the woe with me to also at other times he too in pits of despair that his mom is so unhappy.
Why won't he entertain increase in AD's? He has always stood down as to the nuts & bolts of medical issues. Never has he dipped even a baby to into those waters, deferring to his sister. Nothing I say to encourage he take the reigns, prompts any action, never has. He goes to visit, picks up non essentials to bring, treats, calls it a day.
I said it again yesterday at his arrival home after the sad sack visit yesterday. Wont change anything. Never does.
Her latest, she now says she needs to move to AL and in IL where her daughter is. That she can't stay in that God Forsaken place, needs to be in IL nearer her daughter so as to not burden him who doesn't have time for her.
This line of dialogue perhaps born in part because he went about 2 weeks, no visiting ... he was sick.
He says "this is all because she went like see 2 weeks, I couldn't get there to see her, I was too sick, so now she sees it she's too much of a burden and I don't have time for her".
I think he's right. She had only 1 visit from family in that 2 week stretch, YD went 1 time.
So now she has a line of thought she needs to be in "AL" and where her daughter lives in IL .. daughter retired, she more time than DH.
Me: I guess it doesn't dawn on her, her daughter too can fall ill and unable to visit, right?
Myself, I kind of bristle at the justifying and so forth he offers up in trying to make his mom see reasoning. It's pointless.
Him then explaining to his mom that she & her needs, wont be suitable for "AL" .. that one has to be able to manage dressing, bathing, get themselves to dining area & on time for most meals, meals arent going to be brought to your room in an AL and one has to be participatory in some functions in an AL setting ... that she is in a SNF because she needs more help.
Sugh
But this same explanation ... justification, countless times its gone on.
Her answering to him "well I just need to be closer to SIL ... and not be a burden to you, and I can't stay in this Godforsaken place"
Him reminding her that was an option at one time .. staying in IL. But she refused as "these aren't my kinda people and it's too cold here" as he put it "like you're outside all the time ... you arent ... doesnt matter how cold it is if you're indoors .. mother!".
Her also listing as her lament her resentment (though she knows, puts voice to it, that she shouldn't feel that way) of SIL.
As she puts it "I really struggle with resenting SIL ... she's the one who was instrumental in having me brought here to this God Forsaken place & she has just dumped me here and she's off & gone"
To him then explaining to his mom (why bother, it's all been said many times ... she wont remember) .. that his sister does a lot, advocating on her behalf from afar and that his sister has a life of her own to live ...
Still there is some resentment... her feeling ... her daughter spearheaded all this and waltzed away having dumped her there
Had I been there I'd of reminded her these are perfect topics for her to talk therapy with the psych doc <incidentally lined up at SIL's direction> 2x's weekly as well as the minister that comes weekly ... perfect settings to work thru some of those sentiments.
But DH seems to cover the same ground with explanation and justification... and doesnt/hasnt come to the realization himself, its pointless. It's all been said, every time you visit ... just stop ... let her direct all that to the professionals...
In his next life he can come back as the trapped person! Right?
The broken record of all that has happened seems to be what she needs to say over and over. If one were to think about it, the same statements could be made by so many. Everyone in a facility has most likely lost their home or at least the ability to reside in it. I am not clear on the antidepressant issue. Did it not help at all,not enough time has been spent on it or was it causing adverse side effects?
I guess I am saying that she has made the adjustment with living amongst those she had so little regard for. Of course it would be nice if she could have regard for the family that has done so much for her but if that is not to be she has made the adjustment to living in a facility. A year later she is still there and at least to a degree accepted this.
Furthering my theory: Perhaps dh and sil would find it ever more disturbing, depressing - sad - were if their mother STOPPED complaining and lamenting her losses and lack of purpose. Too much off MILs true north, as it were - from the mother they have always known.
Perhaps consciously but more likely subconsciously - this is why they resist a boost in MILS antidepressants.
If I’m remembering correctly, dh provides the listening ear when Mil goes into high gear with the “woe is me” and SIL feels that MIL needs to vent. Yes?
A number of reasons have come to mind... One in particular, is that they agree with her - in fact, she has lost her home, her car, her dog AND it truly does suck. I think, even we all here have to agree on those points. Where the road forks off - is that we here see the logical reasons why it’s gone down this way AND we all have that handy 20/20 hindsight along with our t-shirts.
SiL and dh do not. And, in fact they are enmeshed, groomed, guilt riddled, whatever - and are unable to see the campsite for the trees. They can’t seem to grasp that although MIL is correct in the basic things she says - she has indeed lost the life she had (regardless of whether it was dependent sitting at the kitchen window or not) but dwelling on it, woeing repeatedly - it’s not going to change a dam thing. EVER. It’s as if they think “Let her vent. Let her get it out. It’s her way of adjusting, coming to terms”. They don’t seem to understand the whole “broken brain” thing and that next week, next year, and the year after that - as long as MIL has a voice with which to speak - this will be the song they will dance to. Or up until MILs bag of marble is completely empty. This is not “venting” in the traditional, healthy way. It’s not doing MIL any good and it’s certainly not good for them either.
Do you suppose they feel that by upping her meds - its taking away one more thing from her? One more thing for her to lose - her right to be unhappy? Hmmmm.
As for any Valentines romance...
Hubby works late on Fridays so there’ll be no date out - but I’m guessing he’ll be bring home a gift or some flowers, even though I told him not to. Hubby is the strong, silent type but he’s all squishy and sentimental at his core. I suppose I’m lucky - after 22 yrs together he still chases me around the house as much as he did in the beginning of our love affair. The only difference is - he doesn’t run as fast. But then again - neither do I.
Im off now to find my Nikes...
I have learned the HARD WAY to simply say nothing when I am angry. Just, nothing. It's been a life lesson and I am still perfecting it.
A friend came by last night to chat---and w/o any warning she dumped on me that she is leaving her husband and hadn't said a word to anyone--and of course asked that I not share with anyone in the 'hood. My 'vault' is so jam packed with things I am never allowed to talk about, to anyone, ever..if I ever get dementia they better hope I forget to speak English and just revert to German I have SO MUCH private info.
My sweet neighbor has NO ONE to talk to about this and she is terrified to make the step to see an attorney. I told her I'd be there for her, but I cannot even talk to DH about it.
So, I can vent here, if needs be, it's anonymous and feels good to feel like you have someone(s) out there who are listening.
None of us can 'fix' anyone else's problems. we can only offer support and sympathy, and for me, that is all I need.
If my kids knew all the garbage I know, and all the secrets I have sworn to keep, they'd look at me with different eyes, I know. They are already treating me like a slightly addled child, which I find annoying/amusing.
Do go to that party tonight and give absolutely ridiculous answers to this dumb game. Honestly, I remember the Newlywed Game and they'd egg on the couples to fight, like it was funny. Of course, it was probably staged, so take that into consideration. Be crazy and silly with your answers and DH can save face and you can shrug it off afterwards.
I do seem to have some capacity (thankfully) .. always have .. to have the realization that .. .one can say and do things they will later regret .. in the moment .and so best to not do so .. in the interest of maintaining what is to be a long term relationship .. and don't scorch the earth . to satisfy today's whim ..
Had to live that years ago, when MIL took in the problematic OD .. in her teen years .. it was that or homelessness for problematic OD .. in those years .. and likely I'd of had my younger kids removed from my possession .. for having thrown out a minor child, into the streets. MIL took her in. Many many times, I was ready to strangle MIL . in her approach (she soon learned herself, having OD in her home . she too couldn't manage it) .. but getting to that point . and MIL and her approach to it all, more to the point, her wanting to pull me into what I had put voice to, I AM DONE .. I cannot deal with her .. and her trying to counsel, pull me into it, many times I could've strangled her, literally til her lips turned blue . and many times . voicing my white hot rage to DH about what she was doing in trying to pull me in . and so forth and him asking, "Do you want me to tell her, do you want me to sit her down" and me walking away "No .. in the end, .. there will be an end to all this and more important the relationship maintain in tact, as best that can be . no .. just .. no .. leave it be".
Even then .. even then when she could so infuriate me .. w/her antics in those days .. I had a realization "you can't throw out the baby with the bathwater as they say".
She does infuriate me, even still .. with her antics of this day and age . but .. I can more now chalk up her antics these day to the fact, she aint all there .. the elevator doesn't go to the top floor. Some of what goes on . present day . is just that she isn't able to manage . and it's just gonna be that way.
SIL another matter .. her elevator does go to the top floor ostensibly and so dealing with her, .. another one . where I do keep in mind . one day MIL will be gone . and I do value the relationship there with SIL and so . don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, and I just keep moving on . and don't go scorched earth on her, which would probably be easier to do at times.
I asked him the other day .. "if they were to ask you, as they did at one of these .. "if your spouse could go anywhere in the world on vacation . anywhere .. cost doesn't matter/time doesn't matter . what would your spouse choose".
They did ask that question at one we'd been to, .. I asked him . "how would you answer that, I wanna see if your answer would match mine".
He thought for a moment or two . and said "Greece, you've always wanted to go to Greece". I said to him "and we'd of gotten that wrong .. cuz yea . . I've said I wanna go to Greece, . but that one wouldn't pop to my mind .. cuz we've also said we wanna go to the New England area in the Fall and that one we've actually tried to get on the radar but haven't been able to do it for various reason . and that one is more in the front of my radar and so that would probably be how I'd of answered it, New England area".
We aren't one of those couples that are so dialed in ... that we know each others' every thought .. never have been.
So .. I don't know . more angst as tonight approaches than should be .. in the end, I don't wanna be walking away with zero points and have the emcee of the event say as I saw him do with one couple .. "do you guys know each other, have you met?" (being funny).
So we'll see, . but that's our big v-day plan . the church banquet/game show.
The good thing about it, .. once we've been panelists . as we will now be . won't have to worry about being plucked for that assignment again for several years .. been there/done it, will be our answer next time.
That sounded like a pretty pleasant visit and that in and of itself is huge thing. Not staying long enough or letting her 'go there' to the pits of despair will always be a challenge, but you are learning through trial and error not to stay to that point.
And sharing with her that some of her beloved treasures are being used and enjoyed--that was kind.
I've always been so impressed that you have been able to maintain such a civil loving relationship with MIL despite the very obvious and often crazy antics on her part. That's hard to do--many of us have relationships where we are only as good as our last 'at bat' and if we end on a sour note, the whole entirety of the relationship is colored by one or two bad moments.
You made that transition from loving DIL to a difficult person to being the DIL to an impossible person and kept your head. (we shall ignore, for obvious reasons the things you needed to vent here. We've all said awful stuff, which we MEANT but didn't need out LO's to hear)
I hope you have a lovely Valentine's Day.
{{Hugs}}
any effort to go hunt down K, and talk with her, .. which MIL cloaks in .. "I was just so concerned for her, what is that must've happened.. I mean she would tell you that's her room . she's been there for 7 years . she isn't leaving it . and .. so I wondered what in the world must've occurred that they've now moved her, .. and so I hunted her down in case she wanted to talk about it"
<as DH put it later, once we left there, ."no she's a damn nosy busybody that has to have her finger in the pie of things that are none of her damn biz>
She'd gone and hunted K down to try to .. as she put it, "let her talk, in case she was upset" . and found K, . but K (who is about our of her mind) . didn't talk about anything other than her history . .and how/where she grew up and her circumstances, .. all stuff MIL has heard at least 100 times .. and so no K, didn't share any of what must've been at the root of the dust up yesterday (if there even was one).
I only said to MIL: "be careful with that, you know that with K .. you might just as easily have her turn and tell you to go eff yourself . you know how she is .. better she be left alone".
Will she, leave K be and leave it alone?
Not a chance. She'll dig and dig until K does turn on her, and say some horrible something to her and then she'll be all butt hurt . and so forth .. but I don't live there, I can't control if . and so be it, let staff handle it.
With that, .. DH announced he had to get some estimates done . and so we'd need to leave and we said our g'byes and were gone. Probably stayed there maybe 1 1/2 hours . at the most, and that was that.
I told DH again, as we walked out "not my call to make DH .. but I'll say it again, why you and your sister won't talk to them about increasing her AD's ... I will never get, I think it's the wrong call to not at least get that looked at and advocate for it . she doesn't have to be so sad".
And then I let it go . and no . he didn't say "you're right, I'll do that", or .. "you're right, I'll talk to my sister". Good indication same ole same ole will be the path forward . always is.
So be it, their mom . their decision to make . for him . no decision is the decision . for his sister . it all gets cloaked in . as if she'd know .. "well she's so prone for GI upset and diahrea and those AD's are known to cause that . we don't need her more depressed now because she's got diahrea all the time".
Done arguing w/SIL that .. there are countless AD's out there on the market, if one causes GI upset . try another one .. for crying out loud! Done arguing my stance .. done with it, . do as you will. Leave her sad and despairing then .. if that's what you guys choose. I don't go see her all that much . so .. whatever.
I think it's the wrong call, but long ago established . what I think .. is immaterial. Got it, got the memo posted on my fridge to refer to as needed.
So as to V-day and romancin. Nah . not into all that, never have been.
Our church is holding a banquet tonight (catered event) . and in that setting they will have what's called the "Not so New Newlywed Game" .. based on the game show from years ago . and they've done it in the past, . seen it, it's really pretty cute and comical. This year, however, .. DH and myself chosen among the panelists ..
That has me filled with more angst than should be the case.
Ours is not one of those mushy love stories where we know each other's every whim and thought .. just telepathically. We aren't that couple, never have been.
You get asked, .. "what's your song . your's and DH's song?".
We don't have one.
You get asked, .. "What will your husband say is your favorite food?". I would probably answer that "chocolate". Would he give that as the answer I'd give. Probably not.
So many variables of differing question that there's no way to rehearse for such a thing and prompt him with a "now if they ask ____________ you answer ____
tried to go to the bingo game today but it had been cancelled, . did you ever find out why they cancelled it?".
Her: "No, . you know everything here is so hush hush . they don't tell you anything".
Me; "Well it's good you tried, maybe tomorrow you can try it again".
Her: "Yes, I will .. H likes to go .. so I go with her at times .. and they've had this thing here .. I don't know what you call it, . something where they show about the movie stars .. from my era .. from long ago .. and so I've gone to that a few times, . it's kinda interesting".
Me, then suggesting to her that she tune in on this wknd . to CNN .. a program they'll be doing on the Windsors ... the ascension to the throne for Queen Elizabeth and such ..
She said she would enjoy that ..
I've since found it, it won't start til 10 at night . and she'll long since be asleep by that time. But who knows, .. SIL is aware of this . and going to check to see if they have any way to record the series, .. to show to those interested at some future point.
She then began to go into some about how sad it makes her think of her house, now emptied .. and awaiting possession by RM folks .. she ponders what her home must look like know, emptied and how sad that makes her .. wondering what happened to the things in her home, so I told her . some of where the things went .. the dining room set is now in my dining room and being enjoyed thoroughly .. that I didn't have, prior to now . a dining room set that can be extended to suit more of a crowd, now I do, citing that I'd just had a bday gathering for YD's fiance' . and able to seat everyone .. and how much I enjoy it.
Telling her of a piece that her husband made long ago .. and it sat in her dining room and that DD has that now .. under her wall mount enormous tv in her living room and she has on it, some pictures of her family and it sits under her enormous tv . and the little blue trunk you had in the living room, that too now sits at DD's house . and stores in it, some of the memorabilia from her kids .. .as they grow. Your jelly cupboard that sat in your kitchen . now at DD's house and she uses it to store staples in the kitchen ..
Told her that the little twin bed that sat in her front corner bedroom . from the civil war era .. that now is used by the boy twin to sleep in.
That all seemed to make her happy as she put it, "I was so afraid you guys would just set the stuff out on the street curb . .for just anyone to haul off . and my things all meant so much to me, .. I'm glad to know it's all gone to where it matters, .. to family that actually care about it".
Told her that DD .. who never really cared about cooking .. had inherited all her pots and pans . and measuring spoons and cups ... now has all that, and a newfound interest in cooking .. that pleased her.
With that, we talked about some current stuff, showed her a pic of YD's oldest daughter (6 yo) . and there'd been a daddy/daughter dance at the school and some pics from that, she marveled at how pretty YD's oldest is .. and how sweet that her daddy took the time to make that happen for her, and pondered what about the ones whose daddys' didn't .. I said, "well I wouldn't know . maybe there are some who don't have dads . but maybe a g'pa or an uncle took em, who knows".
<as usual .. DH was there . but all the dialogue/conversation . was between me and MIL .. as he sat scrolling his phone . only chiming in when some part of the conversation was directed to him specifically. Seems to be the case when I go along, which I don't always>
She talked of the latest broohaha to occur at the hands of her former roomie, K.
Sounds like there'd been some dust up yesterday AM .. and the police called (who knows) .. and that K has now been uprooted from her firmly entrenched in room she's had for 7 years . and moved .. and to a different room.
Said she'd gone and hunted K (that's a dicey proposition if there ever was one),
We did go take the cookies into the nurse desk ... hopefully they'll enjoy them.
Took a little gift bag of six each to MIL and to her roomie. MIL sat and ate 4 of the 6 right there, w//us there. Loved them. Was happy to see us. She'd not seen DH for about two weeks. With him being so sick .. he hadn't been there.
She did go there, as she always does, of her sadness and despair . that she'd reached the bottom of the barrel in recent days as far as deep dark despair and depression. I asked her what did she do to pull herself out of it, (an effort on my part, to redirect). She only said, it's something she fights constantly. I asked her .. "so I hear that psych doc sees you now 2 x's a week, is that helping?". She said, "oh it's all just a bunch of chit chat, nothing really helps". I said to her, "But do you do talk to him about the things that make you so sad, so he can help you to come to terms with it all?". She answered that: "Oh I know what makes me so sad .. I've lost everything, my home, my dog, my car, .. everything". I answered that, "yes .. it's been a horrible ordeal . we'd all struggle to come to terms with that .. for sure ... but you have to .. when you're in the pits of despair . you have to remember to hang onto the things you do have and haven't lost .. things like . you have a family that genuinely loves and cares for you, you have your brain . you can still think and function, you have your voice, you can voice what's on your mind . you have mobility .. you have hands that work, eyes that work, . so many don't . you have to reach deep .. when that despair overtakes you . and remember what you still do have".
Her answer to that: "Nobody knows how hard all this is, .. unless they've lived it themselves ... easy to say . just grab onto what you can . and hold onto that notion .. it's not always easy to do ... (she then began to reflect some) voicing that she feels resentment towards SIL . that she feels as though SIL is the one who spear headed all this . she's the one that dropped me off she said .. and she's the one that set all this in motion . so of course, I feel some resentment towards her, and to me, it all seemed so sudden, so drastic .. maybe it should've been eased into better .. I don't know, it just all seemed to happen overnight"
My answer to that: "I'm sure it does, in a sense, .. feel as though everything changed o'nite ... but ya know, that first rehab place you stayed in .. they were all there, was a meeting as to discharge planning ... maybe you don't 'remember, you were there .. but they said that you'll do find at home with 24/7 support, that was their recommendation .. and so .. we knew .. these are the professionals that do this . we knew then .. we had to do this .. as SIL had you in her care up in IL . and it was too much for her, we knew then that things would have to change . and so that's how this all came to be ... that and .. maybe you don't remember, the number of times that you'd sit at your kitchen table . staring out the windows talking of this is no life .. this is no way to live .. you'd grown incapable of doing much of anything, and so isolated, ..
She thought for a minute, and then said, "I'd give anything to now be able to sit at that same kitchen table and stare out those windows .. I didn't know despair . I thought I did, but I didn't know .. I guess I didn't do any of the work to prepare . that this could be my fate .. ".
Me: "that's what I mean when I ask if you talk to the psych doc about all this . maybe he can help you come to terms with why you were in such denial that this could be the path forward for you .. and maybe help you come to terms with weathering it now .. ".
Her: "All that is just ... just like we're doing here . just a bunch of chit chat .. it doesn't help, nothing really does".
Me then redirecting: "Well you mentioned you'd
My Mum is in ER tonight but just knowing I am not alone, we are all out there going through this stuff is so amazing.
Valentines... anyone out there actually getting any romancin'?
I've been wondering how you are doing, Dorker. I am still on this site because of your story. It will be three years in June!!! But here MIL is, doing pretty well. I'm surprised your father is still hanging in there, because I really thought the prognosis for his cancer was a few months. I'm glad he isn't trying to monopolize your time, because I was really afraid that was what would happen. He certainly seemed to be trying to do that for a while ("Dorker, I NEED you to...."). He got the message when you told him NO, though!
I am not the best baker so my go-tos are either a fruit platter or blocks of nice dark chocolate in different flavours.
I get that 'not feeling like giving...' Yep. You gave for sooo long. It just wears out. I think it's called *compassion fatigue*.
I am still sort of there after 12 months too. Just nothing much to give to anyone. Eating well & yoga is giving me more self-care which I hope will flow back into the wider world eventually.
Enjoy your Valentine's & take in your treats with a smile. 💜
PLUS the siblings needed to truly take the reigns for MIL’s care and you couldn’t trust them. They needed to see you were done.
All of us who have been in the trenches (as more than observers) know the toll it takes to be overextended for too long. You talk tough and I don’t doubt your sincerity but that doesn’t mean you are holding a grudge. More like holding your breath.
MIL represents so much to you. Both good and bad in your life.
I think we do go into a trance at times to protect ourselves.
Thanks for sharing this renewal of spirit you are feeling.
Back at work yes. But once home, asleep in the recliner inside of 5 mins.
Is only now beginning to see a more normal stamina. Still not up to speed but improved for sure.
I was marveling this morning at this.
It's been almost a year MIL in NH placement. I think I might actually be healing myself from the past few years of complete upheaval in all things this stubborn confounding family and MIL's stubborn path to where she is presently.
Talking with SIL a day or two ago (we have not been .. nor has DH, to visit MIL) ...her reporting she'd checked with staff as to whether her mom was still on an antibiotic, as her mom had shared with her, she wasn't feeling well... and SIL surmising it could be the antibiotic making her feel crummy. Staff indicated the course of antibiotic had completed the day before, but they'd keep an eye on her mom and her malaise. Also reported to SIL they still have her mom on whatever the med is she takes to raise her too low of BP but that too being monitored a couple of times daily and thus far BP in normal range.
My response to SIL:"sounds like they're doing a great job staying on top of things. I think I'll take some cupcakes or cookies in for the staff, for Valentine's Day".
So, a year into this whole sordid mess and always in that year's time, an awareness in the back of my mind, some treats for staff ... always a bonus, but never having the gumption to actually do so. I've spent yesterday and part of today baking sugar cookies and DH & I will cart em in there for staff.
I guess, it's never too late? I'll go with that.
A couple of little gift bags of cookies for MIL and her roomie, so they don't get left out.
Astonishing to me it took a year for me to "feel like" giving a dam about gifting staff with a special treat.
I guess I can take the prize for holding a grudge and being uncaring.
Not a good prize to be proud of.
Hope your DH gets to feeling better, Dorker.
I guess I could've gone and got some chains and chained him to the sofa, but .. he's gone to work ..
Not happy about it, .. wanted him to stay home . thru the wknd . and take it easy . .stay on the sofa, .. fluids, etc. But nope.
Interesting .. I always thought one gets pneumonia .. from perhaps they've had a really nasty cold that isn't getting better and goes into pneumonia. Not so apparently. He hasn't had a nasty cold, not even a cold at all. Still doesn't.
Just felt really crummy,. .. running a fever .. and a pain in his back/ribs .. a pain that comes and goes . some shortness of breath ... and just really weak/malaise.
And so I guess chest xray showed some indication of beginning of pneumonia . and rx'd antibiotic . and .. so .. he was on the sofa for a couple of days .. and that's it. Would've taken someone much bigger/stronger than myself to keep him there.
I don't get it .. was just 2 AM this morning that he was awakened in some pain (it comes and goes) with that back/rib pain .. but off he goes, to work. Frustrating.
The upside is that I don't know about MIL ... he obviously hasn't been to see her .. and .. I don't think he's even felt up to calling her, to check on her. So no news on that front.
Other than church lady reported in that she'd gone by for a visit to see MIL . found she was at the tail end of her PT .. bike therapy . and begged to be allowed to "walk" (with walker) to her room, .. staff obliged. Let her do so .. and let her walk on beyond her room, to the end of the hall, where she sat to rest .. and then up and back at it, on the walker, to get to her room. Where she collapsed in shear exhaustion .. I guess it would be about like someone running full bore ..
Her complaining that her head hurt ... and that reported to med staff there ... I guess she maybe over did it, not sure.
That's the only news on the MIL front.
Talked to my dad on the phone yesterday and was encouraged to hear that he gets outside, with PT help . a few times a week .. walking the d/w with his walker, and PT staff in attendance . and that he has a luncheon to attend on Sunday that he and his wife will be going to ..
So there is improvement on his front .. slow .. and measured .. and relative to his age .. and all that . but improvement.
He does have some lasting neuropathy that doesn't seem to be improving in his fingers .. and that the oncologist told us can be a byproduct of the chemo . and sometimes never does return to baseline. But at least there is improvement in the fact he is able to now .. ambulate around with PT assistance, .. to strengthen .. there was a time that wasn't possible at all.
Having said that, this will force him to take a few days to recover. We are not equipped as humans to live with untenable stress 24/7/365 without having some kind of shutdown happen.
I'm not saying he got pneumonia cause MIL is so trying---but he's only recently begun to be involved with her and he is stressed about it.
Would he talk to someone, maybe your pastor? about the stresses in his life that are no doubt weighing him down?
I know I have a 'shutdown' button that used to be pretty hard to 'push' in me. Since the cancer, it's out there for all to see and I have to be really self protecting to keep from tanking.
Keep him down and comfy. He's a healthy guy, he should be up and about really soon.
Today at doc with DH, preliminarily pnuemonia dx.
Sheesh! Enough already.
Erickson's Eight Stages.
#8 Ego Integrity vs. Despair
This stage takes place after age 65 and involves reflecting on one's life and either moving into feeling satisfied and happy with one's life or feeling a deep sense of regret.
Maybe this is what the Psych Doc is helping with? To help MIL move from woe is me to I've had a good run.
I agree. They get old and so tired. I think some people become afraid too. My grandma was so fortunate to die simply from old age. She didn’t suffer. I wish we could all be so lucky.
Grandma lived in her own home but spent a lot of time at my parents house. Her heart just stopped. My mom NEVER went out when grandma was there. Her school friend asked her to attend a luncheon with their school friends.
Grandma told mom to go have fun. Grandma was not one to make others feel guilty. She was a sweetheart.
Grandma was in the bathroom when it was time for mom to leave so she didn’t get to kiss her goodbye but did tell her that she loved her outside the bathroom door.
Grandma died at home with Daddy. Mom felt so guilty but I told her that grandma absolutely knew that she loved her and I personally think she did not want to die in front of my mom. She knew it would hurt her. I hated that mom felt guilty about going to see her friends.
My aunt died in my my mom’s arms while mom was propping up her pillow in the hospital. She was only 46. So sad. Kidney failure My uncle died of cancer two years earlier. We took in my cousins to raise.
Hang in there, Dorker.