I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Always . throughout her life (out of necessity in younger years) grew a vegetable garden and did so until the day she died, hoe'ing, weeding, etc etc etc.
She went daily to the senior center for her meal, . and crafts/arts and games ... daily, transported via the senior bus . her and many others.
She had a double knee replacement within the last year of her life and fired the home PT folks . telling them she's always been active, knows what to do and will do it, and promptly began hobbling her way through her veggie garden as her therapy . and did just fine.
She "lived" until she did die, suddenly ..
add'l 9 pairs of hospital non skid socks .. to accompany her now located 10 pairs she already had of regular socks and another 9 pair of hospital socks. OY VEY.
Sheesh!
And the only other occurrence that I find . somewhat comical. I have often wondered if SIL is the bane of the existence of staff there . if they shake their heads when they see her number come up on caller ID .. which I'm sure it does, usually more than once a day ..
At the Care Plan Meeting .. .SIL on speaker phone (not video phone, she can't see who is there, and what goes on, but she can hear) ..
It was being discussed that MIL has now ventured into a program there . .one that has something or other to do with yesteryear movie stars ... I don't know if it's a series of movies, . it almost sounds like it's some kinda documentary on movie stars from days gone by .. not sure. It was being discussed that is a program she has found interesting and attends a few times a week . and that was brought up.
At that, the recreation director said "oh yes, that's our movie Aromatherapy program, she's been attending that".
You then hear SIL pipe up on the phone "Aroma therapy? Aroma? What's that .. what's that about?".
Reminder, SIL can't see these folks, but I can. If she'd of been there and seen the body language and eye rolls, she'd of deemed them being smart azz ...
I was there, saw the body language eye rolls .. it was almost .. from the recreation director as well as the social director .. eye rolls . almost as if they wanted to say out loud "are you serious .. who are you .. an idiot . you don't know what aroma is about . we have to explain *aroma* to you ... seriously?!?!?!" ...
I found it comical ...
They then went on to explain to SIL . via her speaker phone . that they use aroma as a means of sensory stimulation and memory .. and how that works, and that it's about "scents".
The look on their faces though .. just hilarious. So SIL . pick apart and dial and drill down on even the most mundane of obvious. Just so SIL. I'm sure the staff there likely wring their hands every time her number comes up on caller ID.
didn't order specialty diabetic socks .. no .. that her lower extremity swelling is no longer really an issue, in that .. obvious/apparent they give her the Lasix there . the swelling is no longer really an isssue.
Next thing ya know up pops via a text, the link on amazon for the specialty socks . and I answered again, that I'd already placed the order, and no . not for specialty socks . as I don't think that's really necessary absent the swelling we used to see.
She then responded, "May be best she have them though just in case".
At that, I pushed the "buy now" button and ordered more of the socks, this time in the diabetic specialty realm, told her I'd done so.
Next thing from her, "I hate it that she's sitting there with bare feet, . she always has such freezing cold feet .. I wonder if the NH has any extra in a lost and found or whatever, they could give her".
Me: "Don't know, ask them I guess"
SIL: "I will, I'll call them tomorrow" (this was late evening this conversation)
I didn't respond.
Next up from SIL: "I just hate it I'm not there to manage her clothing and organize it and all, ... she complains that some of her clothes are missing .. wish I could be there to manage it all.
(her underhanded prompt .. if I'd take the bait, no I won't take the bait .. to prompt into action . can one of us . take that task on as a weekly *to do* and go and inspect clothing and organize, etc).
I didn't respond. Maybe I should suggest to her there are folks that will gladly see to that task, and for a fee. Have someone come in and retrieve her laundry and do it, and return it, in tact, and place it where it should be, organized, etc. I haven't suggested it, maybe I should.
SIGH
Fast forward to yesterday . one day hence the whole conversation the previous evening . and she sent a group text to both DH and myself, . .
SIL: "Hate to even tell you guys this . but ... I was in touch with them there at the NH over the sock fiasco . and asking them to drill down on what went with her socks, can they find some for her, for at least the time being til we an get her more. "L" the laundry lady went to her room and found her socks . .all of them . .10 pairs of regular socks and 9 pairs of hospital non skid socks .. I guess DH didn't think to look in her closet, that's where they were found .. hanging up ... they hang up everything there, staff aren't allowed to go into the dresser drawers .. I remember now, I should've thought to ask if he looked in her closet .. I guess he didn't know to do that .. but that's where they all were . hanging on hangars in her closet . the laundry lady took them off hangars and put em in the drawer . but as a rule staff aren't allowed to do that, so that's why he didn't find them .. they were hanging in the closet"
SIGH
DH working at the time this text arrived. I asked him later, . did he not think to look in the closet (I am aware they hang e.v.e.r.y.thing up ... I guess I thought he too aware of that . and had looked there, he said he did . said he looked high and low, that night) but I asked him did he not think to look in the closet . and no . he hadn't . hadn't looked there. Questioned why would they hang up socks for crying out loud? I answered that, .. "staff aren't allowed, for privacy reasons . to be going in and out of dresser drawers" .. he then said, "why didn't mom tell me that, h377 she's been there for almost a year, surely she's had socks come back from the laundry in all that time. H377 I get there and see her sitting barefooted and ask of her, where are your socks and she answers they're all gone . they don't come back from the laundry .. I don't have any. Why didn't she tell me .. check the closet they hang up everything . that's where they usually are, why didn't she tell me that, .. she's out of her mind . she truly is".
Sheesh . so now arriving today will be about 17 pairs of socks . some of which are the specialty diabetic socks . and then
And that . he will grab one of em, for installation there, . and we'll see how it goes.
Since that time, (a few days ago this conversation went on between he and she) .. I heard it, thought it a bad idea, .. as ..
1) at least with a corded phone, you drop it as you try to answer it, or mid conversation . you can retrieve it from the floor where it now lays . using the cord to pull it up . if you're someone that really cannot bend over to floor level without falling out of your wheelchair doing so
2) She will forget to re-cradle it . and it will constantly be a problem that the thing has lost it's charge
I didn't weigh in audibly. Just my thoughts, . not a conversation that involved me.
Fast forward to this morning, when DH announced to me anyway ..
DH: "I'm not taking that cordless phone into mom . not gonna do it ... that base to the thing . the only place to put the thing is on her hospital tray . she has that other little nightstand by her bed, . but that piece of furniture is so far back . bedside, .. at the head of her bed that she can barely get to it ... and so the only place to put that base to the thing . is right there on her hospital tray that already houses all of her trinkets .. and her water cup . and the food tray when that's brought . there isn't room for it .. that thing is gonna fall and get knocked off the hospital tray and become a problem . it's not that big a deal that her phone cord gets all tangled up .. I'm not doing it"
Me: "Did you tell your sister that?".
DH: No but I will (translation . he won't . .it'll slip his memory to do so . and so SIL will be harping about that .. when is he gonna take her the cordless phone)
So the above, the latest in the whirligig saga. Much like the mini fridge she at one time asserted her mom needs, and DH veto'd as the one who would then have to be certain to sort thru rotted foods not consumed and clean the fridge, and so forth . and the mini fridge never came to fruition (I agree with him, btw).
SIGH
And the other whirligig working on the sidelines .. OY VEY
DH had been to see her a couple of nights ago and found her to be barefoot
DH: Mom why are you barefooted . where are your socks?
MIL: "They're all gone, I don't have any
DH: "What do you mean . where'd they go?".
MIL: I don't know, they're all gone .. I don't have any, they don't come back from the laundry.
I guess DH didn't see this as the pressing issue SIL would've . and dug in on it, to talk to staff, and/or maybe hop in the car to a Walmart stop for some socks to bring to her. But he did, as he told me of this tale . he did look high and low . and no socks anywhere to be found.
Came home from there stating he'd have to run to Target or Walmart, and get some socks for her .. and get em to her.
I know his schedule and in the interest of adding some expediency .. I pulled up Amazon . ordered 10 pairs of white crew socks in her size, as well as 9 pair of hospital non skid socks . for delivery here. At least that can be done and next time he goes, he can cart the socks there ...
Told him I'd done so ..
Next thing, came to mind to me, "oh geeze, SIL will get wind her mom is sitting with bare feet and that'll be blown up here, she needs socks ... can you guys get her socks". Let me at least head that off, let her know we're aware (obviously she is not or we'd of heard it) .. and let her know socks are on the way from Amazon .. Did that, reached out in text to her.
She was surprised to hear of the grand missing sock fiasco .. hadn't known of it, was surprised she hadn't heard it. She then questioning what I ordered, as apparently she has always gone the route of diabetic specialty socks (she isn't diabetic) .. because of her lower extremity swelling that was always such an issue, one can buy socks that have the band at the top that isn't so rigid . and so allows room for swelling . and not constricting the swelling.
I answered her, that no .. I didn't
Admittedly, some of it from a selfish POV . in that, .. I'm weary of what the woe with me does to my DH .. as he comes home from there time and again, wearing it on his sleeve, his mom's sadness and her dismay. But also, yes, very much a sense in me, .. one of .. why do we have to just leave her be in this distressed a state of mind, that makes absolutely zero sense to me. That, and any expectation at all, that "talk therapy" is going to be very beneficial in her case, .. is about useless, at least in my laymen's POV.
I kinda question why that notion hasn't occurred to the powers that be that do see her there. But also .. keep in mind . she very much presents, to them at least, . as someone with more an upbeat attitude, and a resolve to "get back to former self" .. and so .. they don't see what we see . as to her forlorn/sad malaise that plays out .. that's not what she presents with staff, not as a rule.
I did do a double-take in the setting of the Care Plan Meeting, as the psych therapist she sees 2 x's weekly said something akin to: "It's an enormous adjustment she's getting thru .. from her former self and activity level, to this".
I responded to that, .. (so glad I had the floor)... "not sure what you've been lead to believe as to activity level as she lived at home, but there in that setting, she was really pretty isolated, refusal to allow outsiders as a part of the scene . and pretty much home-bound, sans what family could do as to socialization ... and ... this isn't a person that was playing tennis last week and going to the Bridge Club then suddenly found herself in a NH, not at all. She sees far more engagement with other humans in this setting than she did in her home, living by herself."
Not sure at all, why the psych therapist would make that statement. To me it inferred she is coming to terms with, this poor woman who was so active and so engaged in life itself .. and has suddenly found herself remanded to a wheelchair and in a NH and that's not at all what her life was like yesterday. That's not at all an accurate portrayal of what went on. And I put it out there, FWIW.
We'll see .. do they actually dial down on what they agreed to do, consult with the NP as to increase in AD, and without someone babysitting it, to get attention to it. We'll see. Does it make any difference, going forward, if med adjusted. We'll see.
Whirligigs and Top Spinning.
To those who have followed this sordid mess .. the latest on the whirligig front.
SIL in touch with the RM folks and hand over is imminent on the home. Her letting DH know, . "you have to go ahead and get the car out of mom's garage ... they plan to come within a week and change the locks there .. so go get that car, and if there's anything left there .. be sure and get it".
In the process of the above conversation (which DH did do, go get the car) .. she imparted to him the following:
"Ya know, what'd you ever do as you finished taking things outta the home there, what'd you do with her cordless phones? I've seen other residents there that utilize cordless phones ... I'm gonna check with them to see, if we bring her a cordless phone from her home, will that be okay ... she has such a struggle with the phone they give her, .. she's forever somehow getting that phone cord all tangled up .. and I have to call Maintenance there, to ask that they go and untangle her phone cord for her .. I just think .. maybe it'd be better if she has a cordless phone .. of course, you have to worry that she'll forget to cradle it, . and it will lose it's charge .. but I guess we can cover that ground another day if it's a problem".
DH answering to the above, that he has the cordless phones he removed from the home
Good for MIL, good for you and good for SIL and DH to hear what the psych doc said.
to have the psych doc step up his talk therapy . to 2 x's weekly vs the prior 1 x weekly.
I'm over here shaking my head . she has cognitive issues that preclude her ability to grasp and retain the here's and why's of it all . talk all day long . the next day she's not gonna remember that we sat there for 4 hours yesterday talking of the progression of how things got to this place .. she won't remember .. talk therapy schmalk therapy . was my opinion . anyway.
SIL .. for whatever her reasons .. reasons I don't agree with .. finding it not suitable to discuss medication tweaking and/or a sedative ..
I'm asked to attend a Care Plan Meeting . you can bet your azz that will be front and center on my radar and I made it known it would be. Don't want MIL in attendance, as I want these issues tabled for dialogue . and can talk more freely absent her presence there .. and .. I want the psych doc there, so these can be tabled for discussion. Agreed to . and so I went.
Long and short of all that .. the psych doc will yes, consult with the psych NP about tweaking her AD's up a notch .. (if it matters SIL was on speaker phone conference'd into this meeting) .. Psych doc also pointing out .. really discreetly for the most part, but saying out loud . "don't put it past these folks . they'll push that guilt button with family .. it goes on a lot more than you know .. " . him making that statement along with . that isn't his experience in talking with MIl that she's always sad and forlorn . that she is . for the most part, pretty upbeat and determined to get back to her old self . and more content.
I'm here to tell you that ain't what we see.
So is she playing that guilty button . .. I think it could be likely . .. yes.
But .. I am pleased the psych doc will yes, take it under consideration to tweak the AD's up a notch .... didn't wanna do a sedative . said she already complains she sleeps too much and a sedative would only make that worse.. but yes . agreeable to an adjustment in the AD's ..
Stressed that we should . rather than belaboring the whole .. the past . how did things get this way . this wasn't gonna happen to me . don't let her unpack and live there, .. redirect . ask her what is she doing today . what did she do today . who did she talk to .. what is she planning to do as to programs there, . go attend programs with her . maybe she'll develop more interest in attending programs there if family accompanies her . but don't let unpack and live there in that space of yesterday . more important she deal with the here and now.
I concur 1000%
So we will see if that feather gets worn proudly that I did finally get that word out and to the appropriate party and there is adjustment (follow-thru so poor there . one has to baby sit an issue to get follow thru it seems) .. We'll see . if adjustment is made to the AD's whether it makes a difference .. one can hope it does.
Just have to wait and see. And no . I don't intend to baby sit and look for follow thru . but I will . going forward . now that the issue has been discussed . when it rears it's head again . as to her laments that never cease . 'oh really . what happened to that increase in AD's ..?" and then waltz away from it.
citing to her as to the progression of how things got to this place ..
DH: Mom dont' you remember when you fell that xmas . and SIL had to stay with you for like 4 months to get you back on your feet .. do you remember that, or the number of times I had to go to your house to meet EMS personnel . and .. you sick or having fallen . or .. when I had to go take your door down . you'd had chitapalooza .. and hadn't made it to the bathroom and fell . and I had to clean all that up . clean you up . call EMS . don't you remember.
A blank stare from her, no she doesn't remember that. No . I don't think she's being untruthful . I truly do think those memories aren't there.
DH asking of her, "do you remember when SIL took you to IL and you landed in the hospital there 2x's .. because you were confused/disoriented . and such . and that you got Shingles there and had to have a catheter bag . and SIL having to empty that every few hours . do you remember that"
Her .. a blank stare. no . she doesn't .. doesn't remember it.
It would really be kind of an interesting exercise to see at what point does her memory stop . was she a viable individual and running errands all on her own . and functional .. is that what she lasts remembers, cuz if so .. she has lost several years of her memory bank. I don't know, not an endeavor I care to dive into.
All of these progressions that brought her to this station in her life, . have been . countless times explained to her . as she laments her broken record every time one visits her .. and it doesn't retain . it's not there.
Obviously she is distressed and sad . as these same talking points play out time and again . each visit .. and it's not getting better . she isn't "acclimating" to the fact she is now remanded to a NH .. she continually questions . why am I here . what happened, how did this even happen .. she isn't acclimating.
It's been my assertion that she doesn't need to be this sad and distressed . and if medication can help to take the edge off that, then why aren't we looking at doing that .. why do we have to just leave her in this state . as she works thru . and processes (not sure she's able to do so) .. as to her station in life at this point.
My assertions on that topic . let's talk about med changes . .. a tweak/adjustment to her AD's perhaps or mild sedative .. can you at least consult with the medical staff there, as to the why's of not doing so.
That has been met with .. by DH . .who doesn't do the nuts and bolts of her care . never has, never will . even with me harping at him . as has been well established thru the years . he's not gonna do it . not gonna stick his toes in that water .. just isn't gonna . I don't know why . I think it comes from a place that he doesn't feel qualified to make those kinds of calls .. judgement calls . but why he doesn't then at least take the leap from that as his mindset to at least consult with those who ARE in a position to look at that issue, I can't answer.
That assertion .. has been met with, by SIL .. "oh those AD's . those are known to cause chitapalooza in some people . she's so prone for that anyway . . I don't think they wanna do that . fear it would worsen her chitapalooza ... and I'm sure they don't wanna do a sedative . she's such a fall risk'.
To my counter, "SIL .. there are so so so many AD's out on the market, you know that . your husband has mental health issues and you guys have tweaked his meds thru the years hundreds of times . if one doesn't work . you go to another one or change the dose . it's not that complicated .. and as to a sedative if they will consider that .. I'm not talking about having her in a stoned out state of mind . I'm talking about taking the edge off the obvious distress she displays routinely in her continual talking points that are answered to . countless times and it obviously is not helping her to come to terms with it all .. ".
SIL's answer to it all has been .
Go ahead and pluck a feather to put in my cap, but don't insert it in the cap . not quite yet, . we'll see . hold onto the feather just in case.
Went yesterday to a care plan meeting. It's always somewhat puzzling to me that I am asked to attend such events. Truly .. I do not go and see and involve myself in MIL's day to day life ..
Not proud of that . but it is what it is . and it's a purposeful approach on my part, so as to not be wound into that web. I go . occasionally accompanying DH on one of his visits there . but I don't go all that much to go visit her.
I do, however, . hear .. far too much of the goings on with it all. Would rather "not" have to hear it all, but . I don't even think that's possible in my hemisphere .. the weather changes at the NH .. for her . and I hear it, oh do I hear it.
So there was to be a care plan meeting and SIL asked if I'd attend said meeting . and .. DH .. asked if I'd go. I agreed to do so.
MIL not present, my request she not be present. She .. it's MO anyway . is mostly lost in that setting anyway . the dialogue moves to fast for her to keep up . it's not that this is some super setting of all the intelligentsia ... it's normal conversational stuff covering points of concern . as to her setting/her care, but normal flow of conversation I think . particularly when in the setting of multiple individuals present for same .. is too much for her to follow along.
Case in point . the last time there'd been a Care Plan Meeting and MIL yes in that one . present and accounted for. Points covered, discussion/dialogue . . at the conclusion .. some staff member turned to her with the question: "So what do you feel about being here, . are you generally pretty happy with things here .. do you feel bad being here?".
I thought I'd fall out of my chair when she answered; 'it's okay . it's an okay place to be . mostly people are nice here . it's good".
I thought at the time: "Dam woman . this is the very moment that you speak up the h377 up about all that you incessantly complain about to us .. and you sit there and tell them it's fine here?".
Some perspective . after the fact .. that's her . unable to keep up . and not being able to process and realize the poignant question being asked of her . it's her . and "old school" attempt at being congenial and agreeable . as she would suppose she is to be in that setting .. not really able to process . hey they want the true skinny of how I feel . let me speak up.
I agreed to attend . if they would set it up that MIL be excluded . .and that also the psych doc be asked to attend . as I had some ground I wanted to cover.
That was done. MIL not in attendance, psych doc . present and accounted for.
As I've harped about before on this site . and just about worn a hole in the carpet on the whole thing . wearing out the point. I think she needs tweaking as to her AD's .. that or .. she needs a small sedative. It's our experience in visiting her "our" as in . DH . .and myself if I accompany him . and/or our daughters . she is always .. of her tale of woe . it plays every time .. without fail.
MIL: "I've lost everything .. how did this all happen to me, I wasn't going to get old and like this . by the time I get out of here, I won't have a brain in my head, just like so many here .. how did this happen to me .. what's next for me, what's my purpose, my goal . what's around the corner for me".
The above and variations of same play out . .e.v.e.r.y. single time one visits her, doesn't matter who .. of us .. it plays out . e.v.e.r.y. time . same laments and malaise.
We have all (I've quit doing it . I redirect mostly if I'm there) .. explained point for point to her, countless times . how it got this way . why the necessity for this setting . so forth .. countless times.
Folks, the light's are on . nobody's home. She doesn't remember.
For instance, DH citing to her, as to the
I'm not real convinced, she ever was a Narcissist. She is NOW .. yes, most definitely, ...
BUT ... I think that could be said of a lot of elderly that lose their filters, they're world becomes so shrunk . that they have little insight into what others' lives are and how they fit in that context, .. many other facets exhibited probably by a lot of other elderly that make them more fit for a label of narcissism.
I'm not sure .. (maybe I don't see the forest for the trees though), she was a "narcissistic" person in prior years though.
Maybe that's part and parcel why I have been able to remain engaged, in this whole saga .. that very much this day and age, is one of someone so selfish and self centered at this stage of her life ... that one should by all that's right, throw in the towel and throw the book at it all, and walk away disgusted. Maybe I haven't done so, because in her prior years ... she wasn't what I would have perceived as selfish and self centered ... and lack of insight as to others, etc.
Absolutely some of the things she did in prior years .. were selfish things. But probably true of a lot of us, at times.
I mean a face-lift .. when she was ill able to afford it, selfish. I don't do that kinda thing .. and most of us wouldn't. So, selfish? Yea, that was. Braces on her teeth well into her 60's when they could ill afford it? Yea, selfish. Yep.
But she also was very giving in prior years. I think of when EB went off to college, about 2 hours south of here. At the time they owned a big travel trailer, .. and rather than him having to work in add'n to attend college, .. they set up that big camper trailer for him to live in .. and paid his lot rental monthly ... which he, btw, .. didn't take care of . and in the end, they had to get rid of it.
That's not the action of a selfish person ...
When he moved away to attend college, (transferred to another college) in the NE .. she helped set up his household there, giving him lots of stuff from their hh .. furniture, etc ... and made the trip to help do so. That's not selfish.
I can cite so many examples of times she wasn't, what I would see as selfish .. quite the contrary.
She is now . hands-down she is.
Now she fails to see that DH does as he can as to coming to visit .. and he was ill, couldn't go see her. She sees/perceives that, .. that she is too much of a burden to him and so needs to move to IL, . failure to see that her daughter too has her hands full ... and also could become ill.
I think more to the point what is seen nowadays with her, is more the fact she's aged and has lost filters . .lost any ability to even look at with empathy what others are also doing with their lives .. and how her status impacts that.
Sadly, as they've both aged, their true character has become more and more intense and the natural 'filter' has all but disappeared.
You CANNOT make them happy, or even anything close to it. You can't do enough, visit enough, help enough, fuss enough to make them happy.
Now that my MIL has 'divorced' both myself and my BIL (Dh's sister's hubby) she has cut out 2 more people who 'cared' for her. Neither BIL nor I are now allowed to speak/sing at her funeral. That was supposed to hurt us, but we looked at each other and said "Do we even HAVE to have a funeral for her?" It won't be our call and I will support DH in whatever he'll have to do (he's her POA and executor--much to his unhappiness)...but she thought that by telling BIL and me we weren't going to be allowed to have anything with her funeral and her actually thinking we'd CARE was kinda of sad/hilarious.
She's such a cautionary tale. I remind my sweet daughters that she is 1/4 of their DNA and they need to be aware that personality traits also get 'passed down' along with osteoporosis and heart disease.
It's been almost 2 months since I last saw my MIL. I have been at total peace about never seeing her again. DH struggles and wants to blame me, but his chance at helping create a relationship between her and me was lost many years ago as he refused to speak up and remind her he has loyalty to the both of us.
I have to say, YOUR Dh has stepped up pretty well, all things considered!
My dad? No news is good news?
I haven't checked in since I was in the throes of caring for sick DH .. haven't heard anymore from his corner, and so .. I'll assume all is relatively okay on his end.
Calm before the storm? Probably.
Asked DH this morning if he's mentioned to his sister, his mom's newfound hatched proposal. His answer, and in a disgusted with his mom tone of voice: "No .. it was solely because I was out of sight for a period of time . that's all this is about ... I was sick and not able to go see her, .. and that's all this is about, .. she didn't see me .. and so ... to her .. she needs to now consider going to be nearer SIL ... it's all so ridiculous".
To my response: "I don't guess it's within her capacity to realize that SIL too could get sick and unable to go visit her, .. I guess that concept is beyond her".
Him shaking his head in disgust w/the whole thing .. just .. utterly disgusted with his mom .. "She'll be okay .. she was just shook somewhat .. in that she hadn't seen me in a while .. I'm better now . and will resume going to see her, .. sure is hard to do, but I'll do it, . it's hard to go see her and listen to her poor tale of woe all the time, it's always the same things .. woe with me ... ".
As he then goes on to say that last time he went there, as he was leaving . she said .. he was already at the doorway, one more step and he'd of been out of her room and into the hallway to exit the place, .. and she said in a sad . .so dramatic tone . .and forlorn: "Now don't forget about me here, come see me".
He said, "I wanted to turn and tell her, "MOM I DO ALL I CAN to come see you, WTH?!?!?!?!!?".
But he said he didn't say it, he only responded, "ok" and with that was gone.
I sure hope that in time (soon would be good?) ... he too will learn to compartmentalize all this woe with me that goes on ... and not let it get him down the way it does. As I said, with him . he vacillates . sometimes it's a matter he too is in the pits of doldrums over it all. Other times, utter disgust at it all, .. and a fight within himself to continue going there (which he'll never give up doing, not made that way) ... and listen to the woe with me, all the time.
I'm glad that this is a pretty calm time for you pretty much, yes? Your father seems to be holding his own, and MIL just has the usual complaints. As far as increasing the ADs or not, it's like everything else with MIL health-wise -- it's up to her kids to make the change. If they don't want to, oh well.
How is everything else going in your life?
A couple of the questions we missed.
Husband is asked, .. while wives are sequestered away.
"So your wife is a flower, . .what kind of flower is she, 1st thing in the AM".
<I am N.O.T. a morning person ... til I have a couple of cups of coffee, and all know that about me>
The choices were:
Bird of Paradise
Sunflower
Snapdragon
Cauliflower
We got that one wrong. DH answered, . me sequestered away . as were other wives "Cauliflower".
When I was brought back (me and other wives) and asked that .. as to how he would define me as said flower, my answer was "Snapdragon". We got that one wrong.
I asked him later, "Why wouldn't you define me as a snapdragon first thing in the AM .. I'm likely to snap off on you if you start on me, first thing, before coffee".
His answer to me: "I know not to start on your . before coffee ... I leave you alone . .and you're more blah than you are snappy, if left alone".
True.
Another one we got wrong.
Husbands asked, "what will your wife say was the most recent movie you two watched at home, and for bonus points, who chose the movie, and did you stay awake to watch it"
He answered "Snowden, and no he didn't stay awake and I chose the movie"
Once wives (including me) were brought back and asked that question, my answer was "The Joker", and no he didn't stay awake, and I chose the movie"
Got that one wrong. His answer was correct. Snowden was watched more recently than was The Joker. I was wrong.
We got some of them right, .. thankfully. But a few wrong too. Oh well. It was fun in the end.
And yes, don't think for a minute that DH didn't remind his mom that she was given every opportunity (and she was) to stay in IL . and see how it goes. Her stance at that point was very much, "I don't ever wanna see this state again .. it's too cold here ... these are not my kinda people here". Wanted to come back to FL.
I think she thought (gambled and lost) she'd come back to FL and would then find herself ensconced in her home going forward. Wrong.
DH reminded her of the above protests . and her refusal to stay there, and followed it with "as if you were outside mom ... yea it's cold there . but you're inside, just as you are here! You act like SIL parked you in a lawn chair outside, int he cold, you were inside her warm home".
Said her response to the above was: "Oh it was so COLD there".
If it matters I remember SIL complaining that she keeps her thermostat turned up higher than is comfortable for her, because her mom freezes. So it's not a matter that SIL just ignored her mom's internal thermometer .. and let her be there uncomfortably cold.
I know of what she speaks ...
Most people that are aged, I remember my granny used to keep her house at what felt like sauna temps ... I was miserable in her home (I like it cooler than most do). MIL's home . yes . when I'd go visit her, or go there to assist in some way, far too warm for my taste.
But yes, her complaints about IL "they aren't my kinda people" . what that means is there are a lot of Eastern Block immigrants in that area .. and .. I guess that is her "not my kinda people". I guess. Who knows. And her other complaint "it's too cold there".
But yet now she wants, I guess, for everyone to go down that rabbit hole and make it happen. To my knowledge, SIL isn't aware of this latest notion . and if she is, I don't know what her thoughts would be, haven't asked her.
I think we all kind of forget as we follow Dorker's saga--that she is dealing with a person who is NOT hitting on all cylinders and really, probably isn't legally or morally capable of making a decision and seeing it through to completion.
Didn't she NON STOP complain about living in IL? The cold? The people? Pretty much everything?
Yep, LET SIL move her and you don't do a single thing to facilitate it.
Honestly, and I know I have said this before: most people age as they already were--kind people get kinder and crabby people get crabbier. My MIL, no prize in her 40's is now just impossible. My grandma's--both adorable funny ladies were still so at 90!
IMHO, MIL isn't one bit different than she has been all her life. She just can't make things happen like she wants.
And for the love of pete---up her ad's and get her something for the anxiety. WHY does SIL CARE if it creates some chitapalooza? If the initial dose didn't. then tweaking her dose a little won't cause it. Wow--thousands of miles away and SIL is worried about mom's bowels. Sometimes I read these posts and I have to get up and take something to keep me from losing it---and I am 3000 miles away from all this.
My mom has started that 'wording' thing. She will say the most outrageous things and then sit there while you try to internalize what she just said. LUCKILY, she no longer bothers me--and I try to find humor instead of hurt.
So--Dorker, how did the Valentine's Party go? Must have been OK or you would have told us--and I know, I for one, want to know how it went :)
If she and SIL can orchestrate a plan to move her to the Midwest, have at it.
I suspect (don't know for certain as this hatched plan on MIL's part, hasn't been brought to SIL's attn, to my knowledge). SIL would have a mountain to climb in all things paperwork and logistics and all else it would take to even find anything suitable, much less move her Medicaid funding of same to an entirely different state.
I would be willing to bet she'd find every reason to dismiss such a notion and that whirligig and rabbit hole wont get any attention at all.
Does SIL want her there in her proximity?
Would be interesting to watch, that's for sure.
I think this track MIL I
is on will wane, given time. IMO & DH's this is all rooted in his absence there for a period of about 2 weeks, while he was so sick.
Her, not a good grasp of "time". All she can perceive over that period, "I'm too much of a burden, he doesn't have time for me".
He isn't sick now, so visits there will resume more the prior status and the whole "he doesn't have time for me, I'm a burden", will subside. That's MO anyway.
And yes poochie is costing a fortune. In fact a couple of months back, SIL spoke with The Trust about reimbursement for poochie costs. Answer was, as long as proof exists this pet used to belong to MIL, yes submit receipts, they will reimburse. She does so.
He is an expensive dog!
She is used to complaining & complaining and then SIL will jump through hoops and yell at people and buy whirl-i-gigs and try to make her happy. Now she is mad at SIL for putting her in this "god forsaken place" but now wants to move to an AL in IL so she can be closer to getting her claws into SIL to step-n-fetch.
Criminey - this woman has more PT and pastor and family visit than likely anyone else there and all she can do is whine. Yes, i get that she is old and doesn't like it there and that her mind is broken, but @#$# - just stop being a whiny narcissistic pain in the rear end.
If DH wants to listen fine. If it were me - i'd try to be polite and say "yes, i know this isn't what you want, but your doctors say this is the level of care you need" and CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
I suppose SIL is still paying through the nose for poochies special treats?
with her dad, .. "yep ... you should work on getting that done" . then leave it be.
She can no more achieve her next step than the 2 yo g'kids .. as to any responsible move to the next step in her journey ... she's not able to do it. So why bother expending a bunch of explanation and justification . just don't.
Her saying to DH the other day when he visited, .. "I can't stay here, this can't be where I stay and .. am I gonna just die here, .. is this where I'll die?".
I didn't ask him what he responded, it's all a little too melodramatic for my taste.
My response if asked that, would be about: "who knows where they'll die and in what circumstance, .. I don't .. I don't know where you'll die, I don't know where I'll die . none of us do".
Way over the top in the "drama" category .. more than I wanna deal with.
I SO lack the same level of sympathy that DH and his sister seem to be able to stomach.
And Rainmom's point an excellent one. Is all this ruminating and malingering on the same talking points, is it moving her forward in acceptance and being able to come to terms with her lot at this point. Not even remotely no, it is not. In fact, .. her malingering has gone from .. "what's next for me, what's my purpose, .. I just want to die . why do I have to be here, I've lost everything" . the talking points of the past year .. to now graduating to, .. "I think I just need to move closer to where SIL lives in the state of IL ... and be in an AL there".
NO .. a resounding no ... she is not moving closer, IMO to an acceptance of her lot at this point . all this malingering . is just continuing .. and I guess it always will?
If that's the angle one looks at all this, then the onus (I would think) would be on those who "listen" and are privy to such dialogue, .. to redirect, .. validate some, .. but redirect and not let it "get to them" (DH case in point there).
It all brought to mind (maybe should've been handled that way and maybe if it comes up in my presence, this whole notion of moving to the state of IL to be nearer her daughter, and into AL . not a snowball's chance in h377 an AL would be suitable to meet her many needs).
A few years back DH's female cousin . came down to central FL to retrieve her dad who had agreed, he needed to be closer to where she lives in TN .. and sell his home and make that move, aging and becoming more needy .. not yet there, but the day was coming.
So DH's cousin . made a few trips down this way .. (further south from me) .. and in those trips . helping to clean out the house, . .save and transport what needs saving . and haul it back to TN .. and then making ready to move her dad in with her, into their home in TN . and the sale of the home here in FL ... went thru . and time to move him. Rented moving truck secured, . and .. she and her DH now here to retrieve him and the rest of his things . and close on the sale of his home and off they went to TN.
They moved him in with them. Inside of maybe a year's time, it became evident .. it wasn't really gonna work, and so.. then .. it was find an AL, there in TN . and so the set about to do so.
In the process of all that, . is when her dad said to her, "I don't think I want to be in TN .. I think I'll just move back to FL".
His home and the contents of same, in FL .. long gone . and he not of the ilk to be able to re-set to set up a house and buy and furnish a home, nor go and hunt for a suitable setting in FL and buy it .. (financially yes, able to do so, physically not a chance). There's nothing left for him to be in FL anymore. All his old cronies are either too old and infirm or deceased .. all family ... deceased or moved away .. there's zero reason for him to come to FL .. zip/nadda.
Her response to him (should be utilized when MIL begins with this talk of moving to IL to be nearer her daughter, and to an AL setting) .. "that's great .. get that all lined up and take care of it", just as DH's cousin said to her dad at his proposition he didn't want to remain in TN.
Perfect response. Ostensibly if one is "able" to do all that it would take to get it all lined up .. . they don't need to be in an institutional setting .. one is capable/able . and can move to wherever they please. He's no more able to do that than the man on the moon, and MIL less so.
She told her dad, "I moved you up here, . took care of handling it all, next move is on you, you're on your own". Of course, . he can't see to it and see it thru, not able. He now resides in an AL . in TN . near his daughter. Not back here in FL, in his own home.
Maybe MIL should be told that same thing: "that's great, .. you think that needs to happen . then go ahead and set it all in motion . we moved heaven and earth to get you situated here, .. next move, it's on you, you're on your own". Then repeat often, each time it comes up.
DH .. maybe he's nutz himself. Spending all this time/energy in justifying . "but mom there's a reason you're in a SNF .. you weren't taking care of yourself, you weren't eating, hydrating, taking your meds, falling all the time, ill all the time" .. just stop. I wish I could climb into his head and say the things that come to "MY MIND" .. at all of this.
I think I will, if I'm there and she approaches that whole dialogue . I'll just take the approach his cousin did with her
I wonder does MIL listen to & ask questions of visitors or other residents? Or just talk.
Declining social skills would play a part - as would hearing I expect.
MIL is "wording". Folks who are self involved love to hear themselves talk and they simply "word". They don't seem to attach emotional valence to their own words or anyone else's. Talking doesn't "help" them and their "talking" only serves to infuriate the folks who are trying to make them happy.
Try this on for size and see if it helps YOU deal with MIL's incessant chatter about her lot in life.
I caught a bit of some golden oldie film recently where the glamourous singer broke her legs & couldn't perform. It was all woe is me until she found how to be valued again in a different way. Not just fauned over, but useful. Went performing for soldiers or something in her leg casts.... Anyways.... MIL is somewhat adjusted to her life there but may could improve if found a meaningful hobby or activity? My Granmas kept the family in crocheted blankets & craft items like bookmarks. They enjoyed it & we did too.
As for moving to AL. Clouds in the sky. Tell MIL if you want to organise it, sure, go for it. (We know she can't & DH won't). She can nag SIL. Who knows maybe SIL will agree? But unless a miracle occurs, it will be NH there too, not AL.
If you spend more than 20 minutes with her and don't go with a written agenda of what you need to talk about, she will begin in on the same old "what's to become of me? I never thought I would get so old! You have NO IDEA what hell my life has been'. I asked her once if she ever went unfed, homeless, disease ridden or without the basic comforts of life. To which she was simply shut down-thinking. Of course not. They had to work and work hard. So did my folks. So do DH and I, so do all our kids.
Now that she has 'divorced me' and I am never going to see her again, my poor DH. I refused to be his reason why he couldn't/wouldn't go see her. In order to make her 'happy' you have to agree with her that her life has been THE WORST.
Ad's wouldn't help her as she revels in her misery. I feel the same is true with MIL. SIL and DH need to simply NOT let her go to 'that place' and the second she does, they need to leave or hang up the phone.
Moving her to IL? That's not going to happen. Then SIL would be completely unable to do anything but fuss MIL. At least in FL she does have family and all the CG issues can be handled in house. You have daughters who do help, and DH is doing better. She's just found a new bone to chew on.
When dementia gets this way--you CANNOT really help, distract, maneuver the conversation in a better way or walk out. Don't sit and listen to the repetitive litany of her misery.
“but she is branching out some, just not all that convinced increasing her AD and possible risk of worsening her chitapalooza is all that needed".” - SIL
Like I said...
They both seem to think that letting her “vent” is healthy and that it’s working towards her eventually adjusting, accepting and ultimately - settling into a new lifestyle.
Raise your hands. How many of us - at one point or another hoped and dreamed of the same thing in regards to our own broken-brain loved one?
I suppose it’s a wait and see... will dh and SIL ever come to see that - that train has left the station?