I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I doubt seriously even that is gonna make any difference. To me, what's gonna happen is that . maybe they go out and buy a whole other washing machine and throw this one out at the curb and wind up back at point A in all this . a washer that doesn't fill to her satisfaction .. and so be it.
Thus.. I am not chasing my tail around to my elbow to try to dial in on that one.
It's not gonna help in the end, . to call a service technician who is gonna tell them the same thing the owner's manual clearly states . but go ahead and pay the $100 plus it'll cost ya . and then back at square 1 .... and her not remembering the tech even said so.
Not gonna get my big toe into that mess.
Yes, I could go over there and dig out pill vials and get that all sorted thru . ask him "let me see your list of appts . let's get all this written down here dad .. we're not gonna use the laptop calendar anymore . you use this . this old fashioned daytimer thing now ... let's get his all organized" and then come back a few days later to find that thing is nowhere to be found and/or some haphazard mess that it wasn't left in . no thanks. Not interested.
As to his laptop . . I am certainly no guru by a long shot . but I can google and youtube with the best of em . to try to troubleshoot and I'll do that.
So he can't get into his laptop because it now requires a p/w . and it never did before ... and he inputs what he thinks to be his p/w and it still won't allow access .. I can work with that .. I can try to work that issue .. try to.
If it's out of my pay grade . and I can't solve it, .. I'll tell him so, close the laptop and be on my way. No pill vials sorted, . or .. calendar updates and the like, and certainly I will waltz right past that washing machine to enter their home thru their garage and not even give it a 2nd look.
I don't know what to say to him .....
I have said it more times than I can count, that they don't need to be trying to manage at home .. need to be living in AL somewhere both of them. I can't make them do it ...
And he has in his wife . someone in firm denial .. (and he allows it, is complicit in it) in her dementia .. and .. so they stumble along . stubbing their toes and breaking their ankles (proverbially) and trying to manage ..
They're gonna get sick of hearing it from me, .. him with the problems as he expressed this morning . having shown up yesterday (yet again another appt fouled up) for his CT scan . only to find he wasn't scheduled. They did work him in, after a long long wait there. As he put it .. "I keep running into this . it's just becoming such a problem .. keeping up with these appts . and I find that these people foul up my appts . and then I'm the one that pays the price".
I think it's more likely HE is the one fouling up when he should be there and when he shouldn't.
And I responded to that exchange . snarky like ... and yes on purpose . "ya know, when you live in an AL . they assist you with keeping up with these things" .. to his response of "yea I fear that's coming .. at some point".
Way to pass the buck.
They're gonna get sick of hearing it .. if I'm around .. and I don't plan to be a lot .. (I haven't seen him, laid eyes on him since .. maybe around the first of the year) .. I will go .. visit . see what I can do with the computer .. and .. if there's too much static about how hard it all is to manage . and there will be . I'll come out with my "AL . .you won't have these problems".
Like a broken record.
This is the same slippery slope I was once struggling and stumbling at the bottom of the heap with.
MIL .. living in her own home. We'd had a bad storm come thru and her yard debris ..
Bet you'll stay for hours and hours when you go over to look at the computer...or will you? You could cook and clean and fill pill bottles, and do plenty of other things now that there's no longer any helper.
If you don't know that much about computers, you could have told him to call a computer fixit guy.
So he's going to have an "expectation" that you come running. I would have had an "expectation" that he wouldn't have left his children starving when they were young!
Keep those boundaries, and don't fall for his neediness.
She has been sent packing. I think an enormous mistake and said so ..
I know at one time one of their complaints had been that she reorganized the fridge .. moving some commonly used items to the back of the fridge . .and now one must move the mustard out of the way and the jar of pickles .. and the other jar of olives . and the this and that, to get to the coffee creamer that we use all the time, she set the coffee creamer way in the back . why do that . we use that all the time . so now we have to dig thru all the other stuff in the way . just to get to the coffee creamer that we use all day every day ..
That kinda thing they encountered in the service she provided there.
To me . it's an . oh well, so ya tell her, leave this up front we use it a lot and move along . but I guess when you've already had to dig thru the cabinet she reorganized to dig out the crackers you use all the time, that she thought suitable to bury under 9 other things you don't use .. and now this . and along with her having reorganized your stack of papers and lost some item that you now can't retrieve . and so forth .. I dunno .. I guess . to old people . who knows . maybe more than they wanna have to deal with. I don't know, stupid if you ask MO.
And yes ... It has dawned on me, be on alert, now that hired help has been dispensed with . the phone calls of need will come in flurries . and expectation I'll jump to .. to go solve washing machine won't fill ... or .. can't find so and so .. or . whatever .. I'm aware ..
He is having some problem with his computer and asked that I come take a look at it, and that I will try to do .. I told him (and it's the truth) I am no guru when it comes to computers ..
I have more knowledge than he does, but certainly not the knowledge the generation behind me possesses. I'll go see what I can do within a day or two, to look at that, something about it has asked for his p/w .. before he can even open the laptop and access it (didn't use to have to do that, to access his laptop) . and he has entered what he thinks to be his p/w and it's not allowing him to access his laptop . and so I'll go see what I can do with that (helper wouldn't of been able to do much with that) ..
Questions about a washing machine that doesn't fill to their liking . "call a service tech, I already answered that".
I think it was an enormous mistake to have let J go .. enormous! And they will soon find that out.
J, with all her other baggage she came with .. was as flexible as the day is long . you have a doc appt not on a day that I'm assigned to work and need my help, no problem, I'll be there. Need me to stay later, cuz you aren't feeling well, you got it . need me to come in earlier, because your appt is early morning . you got it, I'll be there. Her flexibility . at least in MO . far outweighed the baggage she came with. But I guess when your wife has dementia and you don't wanna address it . and she wants to stake claim to "I can do all she does, and you don't have to throw good money after bad paying her" and you bi&ch and complain every hour of every day about it, as well as her organizing and reorganizing things and loosing things in the process .. I guess .. maybe it looks better to cut her lose. I disagree.
paying her to show up here 3 x's weekly . what she does for us, I can do .. and she bi&ches and complains and raised her hackles over it daily .. I heard it myself being in their proximity .. "I can do what she does, I don't know why your dad wants to throw good money away".
She can't . her brain is broken.
But I guess . in the bottom of it all, maybe he was tired of hearing her bi&ch/complain ...
The long and short of it all, .. J (helper) was enormously helpful to them ... and I said as much to my dad in this morning's phone call, and I think that was the wrong call to make, to have cut her loose.
Yes she came w/her own set of baggage . never a good cook .. that one they both complained about . how does one get to be in their 60's (J was somewhere on the south of end of 60's) .. and never have learned how to cook. They weren't wrong. I mean .. they had asked her to fix some meatloaf and mashed potatoes at one point when I was there. She didn't know how to make meatloaf it turned out, and not only that, when she did make the mashed potatoes . she did it with skin on potatoes, never peeled them.
Another time, asking her to fry some okra . she did that, .. ubreaded. YUK. No .. that's not how you fry okra.
But she didn't know these things .. no, I kinda agree with them on that point, but nobody is gonna be perfect.
She also .. someone who has to stay busy and some of that, . she'd stay busy organizing and reorganizing, . sounds good, I guess . until you're the one at the other end of that reorganization . such as . .. she'd go into the junk drawer to clear the clutter and not know what something is . and out it went in the trash (a pill splitter being one example) .. a rubber floppy jar opener another .. out in the trash it went.
Or .. reorganizing my dad's over in the corner, stack of paperwork . and then he can't find some piece of paperwork he swore was there .. and now it's not .. and she doesn't seem to know specifically what piece of paperwork he might be referring to .. to even retrieve where she might've put it or thrown it out or whatever.
Or .. another example of oh I dunno . problems with her ..
She stayed . when she'd stay o'nite there . in a room that he originally had added to his home as a man-cave sorta space. And that's where she'd set up housekeeping for herself, . and in that room he has a separate climate control . separate from what controls the house, and independent unit that offers heat and a/c. She complained at one point that it was too cold in there, .. and so he instructed (unable to get up and do it himself) how to adjust it .. and she came back . complaining she'd done as he instructed but hadn't made any difference, it's too cold in there. He went in . and struggled thru it, . she'd not turned it to heat .. to get heat . thus, it wasn't heating ...
Just simple .. if you've got common sense things ...
Just some examples of problems they encountered in some of her service there, she's been let go now I hear.
Let go . because (and who even knows .. who knows). They have an upstairs to their home and I know he hasn't been up there, he wouldn't stand a chance of navigating the stairs to get up there . but she can (his wife) get up the stairs.
I guess they had stored up there for reasons I don't know . 4 or 5 wheelchairs . (why? Why does anyone wanna "store" wheelchairs?) .. Had them covered with old quilts ..
I guess stepmom ventured upstairs and so the story goes . they are down to one stored wheelchair, . what went with the other 3 or 4 of em . who knows ... what went with the quilts that were used to cover them . who knows.
I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back .. my dad hearing all the constant hum of feedback from his wife . about throwing good money after bad .. in paying her for what she can do (she can't) . and now missing wheelchairs and quilts ... and all the organizing and reorganizing . and so forth ..
As far as I'm concerned, he can reach out, and I'll suggest it ... "hey that sounds right up BB's alley .. give her a call, I'm sure she'd love to jump on helping you to manage that" .. he can reach out, or not (what he'll opt for, the latter) and so he can muddle along ... and stump his toe every hour of every day trying to do so .. or he can reach out and accept whatever fractured help is there to access .. up to him.
The plot thickens.
I had a call from him yesterday ... some rumblings from an old man ... (message left). Several things.
One of them .. they'd bought a new washing machine back when all h377 broke loose a year or so ago with both of them in health crises.
I know that washer has been the bane of her existence. As I was on scene in those days and tasked with figuring out some things about it, ... or trying to.
One she was not happy (and I guess that continues to this day) with the fact the water does not fill in the washer tub and completely cover the load. As best I could tell, working with it . .and digging out the owner manual .. my assessment . these water conservation folks .. and the EPA and so forth . have gotten ahold of the washing machine industry .. as with other gadgets .. and it's thought to be water conservative .. .to not do so. The manual clearly states, and that was shown to them .. the water will not cover the load . it is built to work at optimal performance with less water.
So .. equates to, in my mind . it ain't gonna happen. I guess the days of old, where one could fill the washer with water, completely submersing a load, long gone.
I said as much. At the time. Showed them both in the manual ... and tried .. I tried .. I put it on heavy load thinking that will create more water, . nope . all that did was extend the wash time .. it didn't provide a deeper tub of water with which to work.
So I guess that is problem #1 .. even though my return phone call to him this morning . and reminder to him "yep dad I looked at that, a year ago, and showed you both in the manual where it states clearly it will not ever fill beyond the load put into it".
I guess he's hearing a lot of barking on that topic and has for a year now (that the helper was on site, . helper has now been let go .. I find out this morning, more on that in a minute).
Me: "Well dad my best advice, . I don't know if she'll remember (referring to his wife) .. call a technician out there and pay the service call, and have him run the tub full, full as it's gonna get . and then show/explain to her water conservation .. and so on . and that it's not gonna do what she wants it to do, ... EPA and all that . those days are gone .. or go to the used appliance store, and find a 20 yo washing machine that'll do that, but when it stops working in a week because it's 20 years old and broken . then ... I dunno .. you can call out a service tech . and have him explain it .. but will she remember that she had service tech out and he explained it. Doubtful.
No, I'm not gonna go beat a dead horse as to explaining to her that we all are faced with this dilemma . toilets used to be able to be purchased with 2.5 or 3 gallon capacity for flushing .. no longer. Long since . they have switched to 1.5 gallon capacity .. and that's the way it is .. if you have a toilet from years gone by that has a 3 gallon capacity . do all you can to hang onto it, cuz when you have to go to the store to buy a new one, you're not gonna find one with that capacity. It's the way of the world these days . so .. I don't know what to tell ya.
As to his helper having been sent packing. SIGH
AGAIN .. I think that he is under extreme .. duress as a result of his wife who .. ask her, she can do all that . why are you throwing good money after bad
It sounds like there needs to be someone closer to manage all of their appointments. I am so glad that you have said no way, Dorker. When you were doing so much for MIL, you frequently mentioned how she wasn't YOUR mother. But this IS your father, so I've been afraid you will step in and start a jumpin' and a fetchin' (as you did briefly at one point when he was hospitalized). You state clearly that you have boundaries and won't be involved with your father.
Your father put you on the outskirts of your life (and, sorry, but I can't forget how he wouldn't send your mother $ and you were hungry!). He has still refused to get his affairs in order. He is a selfish man! He has refused to do anything that you advise, correct? As long as he is deemed mentally competent (as his his wife?), there is nothing you can do if you don't jump in and start a fetchin' and a jumpin' (even though he hasn't asked you to do so, I'm sure he wouldn't complain at this point!).
Does he miss chemo/oncology appointments?
I hope you can continue to maintain your very strong boundaries, even when he starts sliding further down the sickness slope.
SIL having inquired of them, they didn't know, how did this abrasion come to be. Her questioning whether it's the dry skin that so plagues MIL .
Months ago, she'd worked to get a doc order in place, for a daily rub down of body lotion .. this because MIL suffers from Sjogrens and extremely dry irritated skin. Months ago SIL had gotten the MD to put that order in. And .. at one time that was finally occurring ..
Sounds like somewhere along the line . that didn't get followed. The daily rub downs .. I guess went by the wayside somewhere along the way. No, MIL hasn't complained of such dry skin, nor has she complained they don't come anymore with body lotions.
SIL now pondering, in text to us .. did this abrasion result from dry/irritated skin since they aren't following the doc order she worked to get into place .. and who can say . who knows. I know that MIL hasn't complained of such . so how did she get an abrasion . who knows.
SIL worrying that now her mom is on a daily aspirin as well as blood thinner, and bleed risk/abrasions, etc.
I only responded to her: "Good she's in a setting where they'll attend to it .. and not living alone .. to do so on her own, . but yea, I would . if it were me, raise my hackles that order didn't get follow thru .. ".
SIL: They don't know what caused the abrasion if it was dry skin or whatever, they don't know, but I did make sure they put that order back in place".
So then . the next day (yesterday) we were by to visit MIL and we both pulled up her pant leg to look at said abrasion . not bandaged any longer. It's not all that bad, looks kinda like a scrape maybe . with a small bruise at the end of the scrape. But not swollen or inflamed.
So then last night we get a text from SIL: "Mom says you guys were by there to visit her, I asked her if you guys looked at that abrasion on her leg and she couldn't remember .. did you guys look at it, how did it look?".
SIGH
We'd been there only two hours or so earlier, and her mom couldn't remember that we did look at it. SIGH
Me: "Yes we did . it's not bad . looks like a small scrape maybe . not sure . and a small bruise . but not red and inflamed or anything . not bad".
So .. whatever.
She has been participatory there at the NH in some program they offer, not sure what it is . but it has to do with old movie stars . sounds like a documentary of sorts where they profile old movie stars from the 30's and 40's . and she goes to that a few times a week. So I just kept asking her about that, . she'd go off on some other tangent .. telling about "ya know there's no one that goes to that, there's me and 3 or 4 others . that's it ... ya know, I don't even know how I got roped into that whole thing .. that guy just come to get me and then brings me back" .. this would be her dialogue, or exchange, as I'd ask of her, "so who did you learn about this week" that would be her answer. I'd just redirect, and ask again, .. and I even pulled up on google on my phone "movie stars from the 30's and 40's" because I wouldn't know .. and asked her specifically naming some, "So have you learned about Cary Grant . what about Katherine Hepburn, what about Spencer Tracy, Bette Davis" .. redirecting her.
She never did answer me ... I don't think she remembers what she learns in these settings. I think maybe it's of interest to her, while attending, . but maybe the memory bank is like a sieve and it's gone as soon as she departs that setting.
But asking of her, .. "so what did you learn about Bette Davis . how did she even break into the movie biz . did they say?".
Her answer: "oh ya know, all these people they all really came from some pretty hard scrabble beginnings".
That was her answer. I don't think the memory bank is there to retrieve what she has viewed and learned. But at least it's some talking points that aren't the woe with me broken record that has been the case.
She did go there, briefly w/the tale of the deep dark depression she'd fallen into where she didn't even wanna get out of bed . recently .. and that it was the psych talk therapist and the minister that kinda helped her to rally from that. I only responded, "so good you're in a setting where there is so much help".
Her response to that, . almost argumentative in tone: "Well it's this place, . that's the whole point, I didnt wanna end up in a place like this, . I just can't envision this is where I spend the rest of my days and die here in this place".
Me: "Where did you want to die, if you could choose?".
Her: "Oh I don't know, I guess like most people ... I would've hoped I could just go to sleep and not wake up".
Me: "Don't we all, . if we could choose" and with that, I changed the subject and left the room to go pay for and get us set up to attend a family dinner night upcoming there in the NH . . maybe that went on with DH in my absence, but I don't know.
Interestingly enough (I don't think she can even follow, if that makes any sense) the line of questioning. DH . having been the one to happen upon her with barefeet and unable to locate any socks for her, . only to have learned a few days later they were all hung up in her closet, not missing at all.
He did ask of her, "Mother, why didn't you tell me that your socks were all in the closet .. we ordered a ton of socks for you, we've sent em back now .. but why didn't you tell me to look in your closet" .. that was him I guess expectation she should know that and she should (but her brain is broken) ..
Her response as she points to her dresser drawer where they are now, head of laundry having been hunted down by SIL and likely hounded to the ends of the earth . had gone to MIL's room, found them, hanging up, folded them and placed them in the drawer ... (not typical . they don't do that, go in and out of dresser drawers) .. MIL's response to DH was to point to the dresser drawer and direct him to open the drawer where one can clearly see, dozens of pairs of socks now at the ready ..
they come from an entirely different era .. and .. as he put it, "it seems everyone I finally talk to, the want me to put an "app" on my phone, that'll help they tell me, that'll help you manage it".
As he puts it .. "I don't have one of those contraptions and don't want one, if I did have one, I don't understand how to use it, . and I'm too dam old to want to learn to use it, they all want you to put this or that app on your phone".
So whatever, ... I don't know how elderly people that
A) don't feel good to begin with with varying ailments and limitations
B) Find themselves in a whole new world of managed care
I don't know how they navigate all this. Well, I do .. as I did it at one time for MIL .. me and SIL .. and it took two of us . at times . to navigate thru it all and to remind her repeatedly of what is coming as to appts and so forth and then going to get her .. and then at least with her (and likely the case with my dad too if I was involved enough) the follow thru not there, .. as to doc orders, tests, etc .. and ... it takes a f/t job in the end, to manage it all .. and pulling one's hair out in the process.
They need to not be living alone in their home any longer, but I can't change that, .. and so it is what it is.
60 years old or better, raised a family of their own, and never learned how to cook) . .so that endeavor is less than satisfying in his view, but she stumbles her way through it, at times.
All the while, he has a wife who thinks she is just as adept and capable as she was at 20 years old, and she's anything but.
As he describes it, on the days that J is not there (the hired help) .. he might ask for a sandwich (he is on a walker, and constantly at risk of fall, kinda dicey him getting around on the walker) .. he might ask his wife to make him a sandwich . at lunch time . he might get it about 4 PM or so, as she goes into the kitchen .. and then gets distracted and into something else, and the sandwich never produces.
I've also suggested MOW .. for the few days a week the hired helper isn't there to assist, and that gets poo poo'd .. so be it.
I don't think they should be living at home anymore, . he has some physical limitations that prohibit his ability to care for himself and his surroundings . she has some physical (not as bad) but some real mental impediments to her ability to take care of herself, and him.
I've voiced that more times than I can count.
I hear what he says in response ... basically that one would rather go sandpaper a lion's tale than to present his wife with that as the next step in their journey and he's right. His wife will come undone!
He's also right when he asserts how off-putting that will be ultimately to his wife who suffers from some stage of undx'd dementia . to change her surroundings . and how that will worsen her condition . to have her now have to get used to new surroundings. He's right about that, .. I get it, I hear him.
I don't have the answers, and no I'm not willing to place myself in that slippery slope again . for him.
Basically what they have there, . in their setting .. she is not capable of doing a whole lot anymore (though she'd argue that point til she's blue in the face) ... and he has physical limitations that are impeding his ability to do much.
I can't be in their midst and not come undone myself, he bites at her, .. with her dementia (should be more patient, . but . he has his own issues and .. snaps more readily than he should at her) .. this then hurts her feelings and she bites back, not having the sense enough at this point with her own mental frailties to realize .. hey just shut up . he's gonna keep barking, just shut up .. and so she doesn't . and so they squabble constantly. She asks the same (of course she does, she has undx'd dementia) .. the same repeated questions even though you've already answered that question and 5 more .. at least 10 times each ... she continues to ask .. and he of course snaps off on her, as a result.
So I guess they muddle through as best they can .. and miss appts .. as happened this past week, causing some issues with one doc office. The bane of his existence is these robo calls that everything has gone to now ... and one can't talk to a human to dial down on more info ... it's the bane of his existence. I get it, .. but that's the way the world works now. The days like back in the 60's and 70's are long gone, when the friendly doc sect'y would call you with a reminder of your appt and sit and chat with you on the phone . those days are long long long gone.
And so you have a question as to said appt that you just got a robo call about, now you set about dialing up the doc office, and there you are on the other end of a phone tree, to push 1 for this, or 2 for that, or 4 for so and so . and on and on it goes, to actually reach a human to talk to, and 9 times out of 10 . you get a voice mail option as your only availability. That too, real cumbersome for him to work through.
These poor old folks .. (and I feel it too, at times, just trying to reach a human to work thru whatever issue I need to work thru, calling places) but these poor old people that come
He is struggling to keep up as to where he's supposed to be (and his wife also) and appts., with the neuropathy in his hands .. and inability to use his laptop's calendar as he used to do to keep up with such things. His wife, of course, with her oncoming dementia is of no use at all, for such things.
Also struggles currently with sorting his pills into the pill sorter thing, his and her's . ends up spilling them in the floor and can't retrieve them, etc etc.
I told him of the service I'm aware of at I think it's CVS . where they will put your pills in sorted pockets ..
I asked him if he has a daytimer, .. like we used to use before we had all this technology . and one just simply writes their appts . and he is struggling even with writing these days. No, he doesn't have that.
But he then went into a diatribe of how cumbersome it all gets .. as in .. it may be his wife that take the phone call, "oh we've had to move your appt from Tuesday to Thursday" .. and that's the message he gets from his wife, if at all .. and of course, then it becomes "what Thursday, this week? Next week? Next month?, when, what doctor".
In other words, . she isn't a reliable resource for such things . and so he then has to pick up the phone to dial down on whatever has cropped up, that too becoming an issue with the neuropathy in his hands/fingers . and trying to dial the telephone .. finds he dials the wrong number more than once.
I know his temper, a few phones have likely sailed thru the air in all this.
I didn't open the pandora's box of "what about your helper that you hired, can't she help with some of these things?".
He refers to her as a pretty dim bulb. Pretty stupendous and keeping the house in order, .. errands, .. so forth .. laundry .. but finite detail .. and the like, . .kinda lost on her. So I didn't ask if she's a resource to help solve all this.
He didn't ask me to come weekly and sort pills and go thru appts and mark accordingly, etc. I didn't volunteer to do so.
I know the slippery slope all too well, been there, unfortunately for him.
One goes and sorts the pills accordingly for the week, only to arrive there the next time to do so, and find it all screwed up .. with some hairbrain explaination "Oh I didn't take that pill on Tuesday so I put it in with Wednesday and then on Thursday I forgot to take my pills", on and on it goes, . and it's the odd duck that can look at that week and week out and remain detached and unflinching. That doesn't describe me. I'd be coming undone week after week of encountering that.
And the doc appts., go try to sort thru all that, only to get a phone call from him, "oh hey .. they moved my so and so appt to Thursday so you might want to note the records you've got there ... ".
Me then responding: "No dad, you have labs on Thursday you can't go to so and so appt on Thursday". Before you know it, now you're the one on the horn, trying to sort thru and schedule and re-schedule appts .. and .. then trying to impart that to the elderly to have them note it, and then calling with reminders and on and on it goes.
The slippery slope this all creates is all too real to me, having lived it.
I don't know what to do about it all, ... I don't, personally, IMO, think they should be trying to live at home anymore. His wife (who thinks she's just as capable as she was when she was 20 yo .. is anything but) . and they have hired help that comes in 3 x's a week, does the errands, cleans the house, .. laundry ... assists with getting him or her, or both, when asked, to doc appts .. cooks and prepares meals (if you wanna call it that, .. per dad .. he puzzles at how someone got to be 60 years old or
Everything she goes through is treated like an end of the world crisis.
SIL would do well with a huge dose of reality, which she wouldn't 'get'.
Oh yes, I can definitely imagine!
My Mum took new socks into respite (insisted the labels kept on until needed). You can guess right that they walked away by themselves... Sigh.
This then caused anxiety & obsessing the like had never been seen before, crushing all conversations & visits with the whereabouts of those socks.
1. Voice to text straight into his calender. I think many laptops & phones have this option. Obviously I'm very low-tech!! Others out here will know.
2. Appointment cards. The VERY old school way of clipping them onto the wall calendar. Check them every day to see what's coming up.
3. A helper. Does he have a cleaning lady or other house helper coming in who could take a few minutes each time to set these into his calendar with reminders?
Im surprised he's still living "independently." Is he responding well to his cancer treatment?
My dad.
Talking with him ..
I wonder what do other elderly do .. or those of us who try to help.
The neuropathy that he has in his hands has worsened, by-product of chemo . and of course, he's gonna be visiting that issue with oncologist, to see if maybe the chemicals need to be changed or whatever.
He is struggling these days as to keeping abreast of appts, and the like.
He used to manage these things pretty okay via his laptop and calendar reminders . but with hands that are now gimpy and becoming increasingly problematic . adding things to a laptop calendar, problematic.
Writing . also .. an issue ..
Asked him if he has, like we used to use, .. a daytimer calendar .. just write it down, old-school style. Writing, . handwriting also becoming a problem.
He has a smart phone that he has been unable to learn to use really .. or he could use that, to send himself calendar reminders.
I know there is always the whole .. as we did with MIL . we'd keep it all on our calendars and reminders, .. repeated reminders .. "hi MIL, now remember you have an appt on Tuesday at 10 AM", .. and then call her again and again with reminders.
But I not that engaged in my dad's world that I'm in any position to even know when he has appts, and where and what for. So my calling him with a "now dad remember you have an appt on "x" date and "x o'clock" .. I wouldn't know.
What have others done w/that dilemma where the LO is now unable to keep up with all the appts that are ongoing?
The response from the staff member, "oh whew . .okay .. so you're not the one we talk to on the phone all the time?". Nope that's not me, . .she'll be coming here, . I think in about a few weeks. The staff person: "Oh wow .. let me know when she's coming, I'll take the week off".
Got a big laugh out of it.
I'm sure ... quite sure, . they have her on caller ID in fact, because she tells me they answer her by name when she calls . but only that, they've probably sent around a memo (tongue in cheek) "look out when *she* calls, and she will, quite often".
As SIL put it the other day, maybe a bit weary herself, .. of all it takes (at least in her case, who spins 40 plates all at once, as to her mom) ... her words: "I feel like every day gets spent in part, managing all it takes for mom and her setting there, I get weary of it all, I'm sure you guys do too".
I didn't respond to her text.
The truth of the matter is
1) I don't manage her mom
2) DH doesn't either, not by anyone's stretch of the imagination
3) A lot of what she does, to do so, is UNNECESSARY .. making more work for herself.
So . no response from me. No, I'm not weary of managing all things MIL, I simply do not do it.
I'm sure she makes a true pest of herself there.
And the socks, those were only located because SIL got on the horn from afar, begging/pleading ... would someone dial down on where in the world all her socks went, how can they all be gone .. and further, asking of them .. do they have any lost and found, something/anything they can give her, so her feet won't be cold, . til more socks can be brought to her.
I guess some staff person getting wind of this incessant problem, it dawned on the staff person "gee, .. I wonder, all these messing socks all at once, .. did A.N.Y.B.O.D.Y. think to look in the closet, . that's where e.v.e.r.y. piece of laundry goes when returned, did anybody look there.
Said staff person did just that, went to MIL's room . looked in closet . and wahlaa .. all socks, hanging on hangers in the closet.
Why didn't this occur to MIL, as DH arrived there, . and found her barefoot .. "mom where are your socks".
Why didn't she think ... (not able to?) ... "gee, I've been here a year almost and have certainly had socks laundered in that time .. and .. they always hang them up, they hang everything up .. in the closet, .. son .. check my closet".
That was not her response. Her response was: "They're all gone, I don't have any anymore, they lose my stuff all the time .. I don't have any".
DH .. I guess not aware . (remember he doesn't do nuts and bolts .. he visits .. his engagement begins and ends, in visits there, nuts and bolts out of his wheelhouse) . him not aware that they "HANG UP EVERYTHING SHE OWNS WHEN THEY RETURN IT, EVERY TIME, DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT IS" . him unaware of that, ... combed thru every dresser drawer and yep . no socks here . they're all gone.
Wasn't until SIL got wind of that, and likely bugged the crap out of everyone short of the janitor .. that issue then got answered to, and socks found.
I also asked how much 'family input' they TRULY wanted, and they differed a little. Daughter thought the less the better, SIL felt like as long as it didn't HELP, it didn't hurt. But they both admitted to being human and unable to not be annoyed at the kind of person SIL is--calling all day long and being a total pain. End result, their LO don't get any better care for being fussy and/or non compliant. Drs. are expected to do their best for each and every patient--and nurses, too, of course. AND the aides.
The problem Dorker has is that SIL cannot, just cannot keep her mitts out of the oven here. Does she not REALIZE there are other clients at the NH who are in far worse condition than her mom and may be needing more time and care.
Without doubt had those precious socks not been found, SIL would probably called the NH with yet another demand.
And without doubt, also, there are some aides at the NH who actually DO ignore MIL's calls and are tired of her behavior. May not be nice, but I tell you---working with the elderly, esp when they aren't hitting on all cylinders is no picnic. And the pay is often very poor. Not an excuse for poor care, but it helps to understand.
I am glad this is a calm time for you. Just the usual goings-on with MIL, and your father appears to be in a calm period, too.
This because .. SIL via speaker phone, inquiring .. as to whether her showers can be moved to AM as opposed to the PM she was always allotted to. SIL supposes (not sure where she gets this from, maybe it does happen the way she mentions) . her mom . slotted as a PM for bathing .. (meaning afternoons). The way it works there resident in bed A . gets an AM bathing .. resident in bed B gets a PM bathing . on whatever designated days . for her it's Wednesdays and Saturdays.
SIL stating that her mom, .. (now that she has that new fangled clock which is helping her to determine what day of the week it is, and whether it's "morning/afterenoon/evening" .. stated clearly in LED contrasting colors) .. that her mom . aware it's per se, Saturday . they'll be coming to shower me today (she only is agreeable to one day a week as to bathing . and sometimes she forgoes that even) .. but aware it's a Saturday and they will be coming to bathe her, .. as SIL puts it "I just wonder if we can move her to AM for bathing rather than PM .. because she sees it's her day to bathe . and she'll get in there and try to do it herself, and risk falling and getting hurt".
Not sure where SIL gets this .. I'm not aware her mom does that ... but I'm not aware of all that goes on.
They did agree to switch her from PM to AM.
That then begged the question how much help is she needing/receiving as to dressing and undressing ...
She is supposed to be assisted, .. and not do so on her own.
Apparent in talking to them (which we knew anyway) she gets no help ... .with dressing/undressing . unless she asks . and that doesn't happen.
We knew that anyway.
We don't want her doing so and have stressed to her she needs to call for help (staff don't want her doing so on her own and have stressed .. call for help). She doesn't do so. She struggles through on her own, to dress and undress . .and yes, at risk for fall doing so, . but she won't (doesn't remember ..??... wants to do for herself, that which she thinks she can do for herself .. ??... .who knows).
Been witness to it ourselves .. that she won't call for help and even if they do show up to help her, she declines ."oh now I can manage that, don't you worry with that" . and off the staff person goes.
SIL suggesting that they should frame it in "it's my job. I have to help you .. let me go ahead and get it done" .. and if they'd frame it that way . maybe she'd be more compliant in accepting help.
Again, . the follow thru on babysitting that notion and getting the memo to all staff that touches her case, .. "no you should frame your words thus and so", it doesn't happen.
Thus .. she goes on . dressing/undressing herself, and/or declining help when offered.
So that explains why there'd be no staff assisting her to dress and staff would know "check the closet, I bet her socks are hung up in the closet" and answered that dilemma.
I am now the proud owner of two huge bags Amazon'd to me .. of scads of new socks. I guess I can now go haul em to the UPS store, to go back . and/or find somewhere here to house these two humongous bags of assorted socks, for the day/hour we need them. SIGH
Long and short of it . in that setting . the Care Plan Meeting, SIL on speakerphone from afar, . and them stating that she declines help . when offered, . and doesn't call for help, this after asking if she's getting assistance to do so .. and she then piped in with: "Well important I guess to let her do . what she thinks she can do on her own . makes her feel like she's not completely helpless?"
Whatever, I didn't weigh in.
Just goes to show that MIL is so out of it that she wouldn't think to have DH look in her closet for the socks. On hangers. Weird, but I get it. HE knows the laundry hangs everything up---oh well--what can you do?
Well, she has enough socks now she can probably put THAT to rest.
(Not that it's your problem to solve Dorker)
I bet that psych doctor that suggested "family" go with MIL to activities meant YOU. I know you won't be doing that, though.
And how is your father?