I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My Stepdad put me on all their accounts when he had me go over his bill pay at the bank before he hit submit...$3,000.00 input error on a $30.00 bill. He was very ill, Cancer, about 3 months before he past away.
Anyway he put me on their accounts and turned over bill pay to me. No problem. We banked at the same bank. Easy Peasy until Stepdad past away. Then the problem was getting the mail. ALL THE MAIL. Dementia Mom was squirreling it away all over the house.
I had her mail forwarded to my house. I tried to do do it legit, didn’t work. I’m sure what I did is some kind of postal federal offense.
During these crazy times when I was doing things any way I could to get the affairs taken care of the damned POAs, Healthcare POAs, Wills, etc,etc, we’re in the attic in a bin!!! That’s were I finally found them. I looked there a couple times. Was Dementia Mom moving them around? Or was it my crazy sister? Because I was named on everything...remains a mystery....
Why didn’t my Stepdad tell me? Well he did tell me everything was in the file cabinet. But it wasn’t after he died. Why didn’t Dementia Mom tell me? Never mind...
Would the Facility where your Dad is presently let an Attorney in to do papers?
I’m not familiar with a third party bill pay service, that would be great!
How does one get the bills away from K without committing postal fraud like I did?
My husband and I have been dealing with this for 6 years. There is a part of me that is actually looking forward to my mother's policy being done as it has been exhausting. She will then private pay until her money runs out and then if still alive I will hope the facility which will have had years of private pay may cut us a break as I am told is possible. I imagine there must be social workers out there who do what we have done for my mother. I shudder to think how this would have all played out without us but then I wouldn't have been around to shudder. I don't know how this all works out without a POA assigned but it must somehow. Perhaps stepsister's husband can take some of this on.
There really ought to be a book, something akin to Dr. Spock, that you are told to buy when your parent turns 60.
But the thing is that child development follows a pretty predictable course and the red flags (as you know better than most of us) are now marked.
Parents' old age is not so predictable.
And, there is also the scenario when you think things have hit rock bottom - only to discover that it was just a big boulder and the actual bottom remains unknown.
Clearly, there’s no way to prepare for every potentiality but perhaps starting with a basic outline of wills and wonts - and in the case of the won’ts - who might and/or is more action require in order to stay off of the collision coursed bus and/or can you mentally deal with the potential regrets of having witnessed the crash from the side of the road.
I am only speaking for myself - but I find that the regrets I have in life - over the things I’ve done, didn’t do or maybe should have or havent done - those are the hardest thoughts to live with.
So, in the "unknown" category right now
Dad's finances and LTC insurance
Status/Titling of the house
Status of K's finances and insurance.
K's health (for all we know, she died last night; where does her money go, to Dad or to step-sister)
The prognosis of Dad's cancer and what sort of support (appointments, infusions, etc, going forward).
Whether or not dad has dementia
Whether dad would accept any help at all on reasonable terms.
Whether K is going to interfere
Whether dad is going to stand up to K
That's just off the top of my head.
Thankfully, Dorker knows an excellent Eldercare attorney who would be very helpful in sorting this. Will dad cooperate or will he insist on his own lawyer? Another unknown.
Happy Mother's Day to you all!!!
My own experience was that each of my parents decline was very different.
My fathers decline was largely physical and relatively fast. From The Game Changer until his death was about 17 months. He went from hiking and bike riding to full wheelchair and physical assist with ADLs. His mind stayed sharp - beyond the couple UTI delusions. He did loose the ability to do math - which was really weird because we could talk about amounts, bills and balances but he couldn’t do it on paper. But other than that - sharp, realistic and reasonable.
My mothers decline was sloooooow. So slow. Always a brilliant but difficult and eccentric woman - it was very difficult in the beginning to determine what was just her being her, what was her nasty little Oxycodone habit and occurring to me last - what was dementia. So, over the course of several years my mom declined slowly both mentally and physically. In the movie Still Alice, a doctor says something along the line of - the more intelligent a person, the more able they are to hide their dementia. This was certainly the case with my mother. Mom was living alone in an Independent Living apartment with help from a part-time paid caregiver along with my taking care of lots of the “details” in her life when The Game Changer hit. The Game Changer turned mom from someone getting by pretty well - although not as well as I had thought due to the Still Alice Syndrome - using a walker and reading books and newspapers into a woman with full-on dementia. Out went the walker and in came the wheelchair, she could no longer do any ADLs without assist and any expectations of her thinking or behaving in a reasonable manner went completely out the window. A good example would be - her insisting I find her a regular apartment for her to live in by herself when she couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone - and I do mean the horrors of poop finger painting, not just help getting up and down. I was absolutely stunned at how quickly it happened. One fall and life as my mom and myself knew it was over. Stunned.
I guess what I’m saying is - at this point with your father, you need to be prepared that ANY incident or even no real incident at all - just a moment in time - could be The Game Changer. Although both my parents lead up to it was quite different - in both my parents cases I was completely taken by surprise - just how fast things can deteriorate with The Game Changer. I didn’t really know anything about dementia and I had found this site and all it’s helpful folks too late for me to prepare myself for all that came and all that had gone before.
It’s certainly not too late for you. Although, some may say “Wait and see - see how this will all unfold”. Personally, I’d say make a plan and plan for the worse. If it doesn’t happen - no real harm done. If it DOES happen you won’t be blindsided. You will be prepared.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2016/08/17/how-a-bill-paying-service-could-help-your-parent/amp/
I wonder if he has been remembering to pay the LTC insurance premiums.
I think her intent was to try to use my name, and hopefully get thru to dad . and from there, implore that he change that "confidential" status . to just block all calls, .. leave at that, just block all calls.
Failed. I guess, if one isn't calling from the # I utilize . it's a fail.
Stepsister cannot deal with her mom day in and day out. To be honest, I don't know who could, .. maybe paid shifts of c'givers .. but . .no, stepsister with her own mental health issues .. she simply can't be there day in and day out, and I don't blame her.
I guess she could've/should've enlisted a c'giver for her mom before hi-tailing it out of town. But that would maybe necessitate she open her wallet for same (?) .. and I don't know that she's able to do so. Or convince her senile mom to open her own wallet, .. a feat probably not possible.
I really don't concern myself with the inner workings of it all. Their wagon to pull, not mine.
I need to put the ole gray matter to use here, in the figuring out of what others have done .. w/LO's and bill paying?
Obviously, something that some will do for their elderly LO's .. I'm not going to. The last few times I visited my dad . there were some rumblings (hints) that he's struggling these days to keep abreast of bills that need paying. I guess a prompt, should I take the bait .. "oh let's go over that I can handle that for you".
Not doing that with an adversarial hostile stepmother that considers "any" help no matter it's origin .. an intrusion. No thanks. So pay a service to do that for ya. I need to find one.
Also .. need to know what others have done. There's the never ending struggles as to insurance and .. what they pay or should pay . or don't pay .. and the billings(s) from medical providers. That .. it takes a doctorate in it all, to sort thru.
I don't have that kinda struggle, as long as I stay in network with my health coverage .. I have no problems.
He has Medicare . and then some supplement of some sort, . and somehow . there are things that fall through the cracks as to payment by insurance .. or not .. and he is forever .. dealing with the frustration of calling a doc office, or hospital or some other like-setting . and the frustration of the phone tree . and then . getting thru that, to get to the bookkeeping dept., to tell them . he is not responsible for "x" portion of said bill . and them promising to re-submit, or re-code, or whatever is the origin of the problem. Only to then get another notice, . reflecting the payment hasn't been rec'd, start the process over again.
I need to find somehow . a service that does that for folks .. sort thru the minutia of insurance . and applicable payment(s) to providers. Do any of you have info on that kinda service anywhere.
I don't intend to tackle that task either . not with an adversarial, territorial .. hostile stepmother a part of it all.
It's a shame because that's a doable chore that could be so helpful .. but .. we all have to lay in the beds we make for ourselves, he's made his.
That call to the facility by Stepsister pretending to be you was pretty crappy. What was she trying to achieve?!?
I am assuming due to your Dad being away from the home, the stress and lacking the ability to understand what is going on is really going to do a number on K. Step sis thought moving K from home would derail K? Stepsister may be in for a rude awakening...
I know Stepsister has issues but geez, hightailing it back to 4 hours away! I hope the caregivers are on site 24/7. Not your problem. Not your business what stepsister chooses as care for her Mom...
When my Stepdad was in the hospital near the end of his life Dementia Mom derailed. Hallucinated, lost sizable amounts of time, just lots of bizarre behavior.
I agree with the others, any crisis call from Stepmoms address would result in a 911 call.
I'm sure you could call in to participate. I understand how you don't want to be involved, really, but if you participated you could make sure they understand what his home situation is really like, why YOU will not be involved, etc. And maybe tell them you are resigning your HCPOA, if that is what you want to do.
Then down the line if they are trying to pressure you to do this or that, or your father has told them you will do this or that, you can tell them that your stance is the same as at the care meeting. Right now you have to hope the case manager really conveys to them what you said to her.
Hospital-rehab-home: Lather-rinse-repeat. Some break the cycle at once, others go round a few more times.
That's why that seatbelt needs to be on!
Well done Dorker with the case mgr.
Keep up your version of your mantra: I am not the fixer of all things - I can however advocate where required.
Dorker, you've been down this road. The only thing that works is letting the inevitable happen. Sad.
Good on you for the concise and non-emotional summing up of your dad's situation for the case manager. Hopefully they can work some magic.
I feel terrible saying it, but it would be a blessing in disguise if K were to end up in the hospital for a while. Might give dad the push he needs to understand he can't go home.
Again, you are expecting that your father can think and behave in a manner that is reasonable. You might want to consider - especially with this most recent crisis that those abilities have diminished, a little bit, some, some-more, whatever... that - that ship has left the dock.
Now, this has been my own experience and that from what I’ve read here on AC - others have seen this as well... but that their own fears and lack of ability to think reasonably - they are so fearful of being placed in a nursing home or so disgruntled with the rehab experience- that they begin to idealize and/or selectively forget the dismal setting they were living in at home. Their focus becomes singular to one goal - one objective - and that is to go home. They will tell themselves, you and anyone else who will listen that “I can manage”, “I know what needs to be done and I will do it”. Sound familiar?
Then what? If it is indeed the case that your father is incapable of making rational choices - are you content to live with lather-rinse repeat if that is the situation?
Just something you may want to consider at some point a little closer to the time...
As always - just sayin’
doesn't compute with her, that it's not that he won't help you to help him . he can't, he's too weak. To her, that perception was read that he was being stubborn and i was being implored to fuss at him . tell him to quit being so stubborn. I called EMS .. against much argument from her. It's a combative/hostile environment .. her broken brain doesn't retain that which is told to her, . after repeats of the same questions over and over, . and he is too ill/weak to withstand the withering barrage of questions coming from her .. it becomes combative/hostile.
Person on the phone: So it's your recommendation he not return home.
Me: "Absolutely 100% yes".
Person on the phone: "Ok, I'll go ahead and make sure these notes make it the case management supervison for including in the care plan meeting . and let them know they can call you if they have any questions. You are aware though . ultimately, the decision is his .. where he resides . you're aware of that right?".
Me: "All too well, yes . but my involvement in it all, .. absent any further arrangement will be nil .. I don't go over there, .. it's too combative and hostile a setting .. and I don't care to be in that adversarial role".
Person on the phone: "ok, thank you for the info, will make sure that it's noted for the Care Plan Meeting".
I have no idea . but suspect, not a thing will come of it, status quo will reign . he'll be discharged for home . if .. if .. stepsister has c'giver brought forth . (that hasn't occurred as of this point in time . her husband who works in insurance, is reviewing the LTC policies located .. to see . .what if anything of those policies will offset the cost of in home c'giver .. and at what portion) ..
However, I hold zero hope she will be agreeable to any plan that mandates a c'giver on site . and it will be the same withering argument(s) that saw the last c'giver sent packing ..
I guess it's at that point that dad gets told, that healthcare surrogate form you signed designating me as the person to speak on your behalf, you can tear it up . anyone calls me, and the answer will be, I don't know what to tell you . .and I won't engage any further dad .. I have told you and told you that I don't think that's a healthy environment . and for the reasons stated numerous times . .and you refuse to do anything to address it .. don't call me.
That topic comes up A LOT when in the presence of dad and K. A LOT. But this is the same person who .. a year or so ago, day after back surgery .. talked him out of taking more pain med (inpatient) .. him in a stupor after surgery .. "you don't need that, you're gonna be addicted", he didn't take it. Pain got out in front of him to the point he developed some cardiac issues ..
I have no idea if he's addicted, and I don't go there .. I think K would like me to stand in that gap and wag my finger also . but I don't do it.
This afternoon has been a welcome quiet . thankfully. K never called here .. surprised she didn't, but she never did. Didn't matter, I'd already made up my mind, I wouldn't answer if she did. Why bother, she won't remember what's told to her. Anything other than her territorial fixation on her husband as her anchor .. to what sanity is left . and his absence as that anchor .. she'd hear that I'm somehow knowledgeable as to his whereabouts and well being . and that territorial fixation would kick in with a bunch of "why do you know, .. why didn't they tell me where he is, how he is . why are they telling you and not me". Good question . ask your husband . when/if he ever surfaces.
Didn't though .. she never called here . and I had no intention of engaging with her if she did. Last I heard . her daughter asking me, "What do I tell her, . she's upset . can't find him . .they won't tell her he's there, .. she's worried sick". I answered her, .. "I don't know . call case management there, . I don't know how to navigate all this anymore than the next guy".
She disappeared off my radar for the day. What she did w/her mom .. I have no clue.
As to any care plan meeting I'm told of, which is to transpire on Tuesday ... I wasn't asked to attend .. I was informed .. the various teams come together, to do an assessment as to need .. vs .. progress, plans . etc . and discharge plans, and that I would receive a phone call from the case manager w/summation of the meeting.
Me: And all of this takes place outside the input of the person he has designated as someone to speak on his behalf?
The person on the phone: "you can certainly share any information you think pertinent and that will be shared with the team"
Me: Okay . well .. let me give you some history here, as well as a summation of what is seen in that setting with his wife as c'giver.
Person on the phone: "who is his c'giver when at home?'.
Me: His wife, . there was a f/t c'giver on site for many months . but his wife and her dementia . she is very territorial and any assistance is not welcomed by her, .. she sees it as an intrusion . and as such, makes short order of dismissing any c'giver brought to the scene and I have every reason to believe any future setting will be much the same.
Person on the phone: "Can you describe some of the deficits you see, w/her as his c'giver?".
Me: "Yes . she doesn't remember to prepare meals unless repeatedly prompted, . she lacks the mental capacity anymore to navigate the many health needs/appts required and follow through . and she doesn't even take her own meds, much less dispense his . doesn't remember .. forget being someone who can sit down and count out and disperse into pill dispensers, not gonna happen . she doesn't remember to do such things. She doesn't see to adequate hydration . he was brought to the hospital w/a raging UTI .. that developed into Sepsis . yet the phone call I got was that he was being stubborn and wouldn't help her to help him to get up .. didn't compute with her, that he's too weak
Wants free care from his bother? Maybe wants the yellow bedroom?
Without access to his policies, his lawyer, his financials? Not able to make any kind of planful informed decisions.
"Nope, not doing that, dad", is the answer to that.
You can inform the facility "nope, not doing that. Foolish man did not arrange this prior. I am NOT signing on to do this thankless task, especially as it implicitly involves dealing with his demented wife." Care meeting? Inform about alone at home incompetent wife; resign as hcpoa and move on.
You give them brothers' number and maybe stepsister's numbers.
You have zero obligation here.
Exactly. We all knew your selfish father would end up forcing this upon you.
It's only HCPOA right now. Will you be okay if it morphs at some point that you become his POA in all of this mess? If you are only HCPOA, then this is only matters involving his health (and you would only take full charge if he was unable to speak for himself; at least that is the way many of these designations are).
What you are to tell or not tell stepmother K is not a part of this. You are not responsible for her; you can't be responsible for her. You told your stepsister about it. She is free to deal (or not deal) with her mother. K is not your concern. Don't get involved in conversations with her. Don't take her calls. It seems like there will be an inevitable crisis -- not your circus, not your monkeys. Stepsister knows her mother is still driving. She's been there and knows what's going on.
YOU CANNOT FIX THIS SITUATION.
If you feel comfortable (and only if you do), you remain as your father's HCPOA. To make medical decisions ONLY.
You cannot get involved in the implosion on the home front.
BUT - that doesn’t mean he gets to rope you in as the wife substitute, Dorker.
If you’re thinking you’ll wait a bit to talk to him - when he’s feeling better - in regards to the awkward position he has now placed you in as it relates to K... I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.
Remember the old days when dealing with MIL was your biggest worry?
Your dad wants peace from your step mom and this is the only way he's going to get it.
The NH will provide his meds, and honestly, do you really care that he is 'addicted' to oxycontin? He's probably in serious pain and that just makes everything so much worse. Let him have what he's been prescribed, let them keep him comfortable and just check your phone a few times a day.
I cannot believe that hot mess that is your life right now. I can only barely deal with my mother--whom my YB insists is 'just fine' but couldn't remember any names, phone numbers or chain of simple events yesterday when I went to do my Mother's Day visit. She actually yelled at ME for not answering my phone--and was mad when I said "I don't answer it b/c you don't call me." Phones have records of calls and I can whip out my cell phone and show her the calls from the last year and that she never called me once.
I wish, for your sake, that K could be placed in a NH, she is definitely a threat to herself and others with the random driving and hysteria.
Even if you told her where dad is, would it compute wiht her? I think if dad doesn't want her to know where he is, he has that right. Poor man.
Otherwise, she is going to get in the car and try to find him.
I did share with stepsister .. as last night's news .. "he has gone confidential" . at that point I was so disgusted, I shut off the phones and didn't communicate any further with anyone involved in this saga.
So .. I did reach out to stepsister with a "what did you do to put a lid on your mom who was frantic as to not being able to locate where my dad has been sent?"
Me to stepsister: Just to let you know, he has gone what is called "confidential" there . meaning no one will have any record of his presence there, . the only person who can obtain info is who my dad designated (that's me). This was all done outside of my input . had no awareness it was going to transpire. I called there last night, after you said your mom was frantic and in tears .. unable to find him . and the site indicating him not a patient there. I called there, .and that's when I was informed he has signed to go "confidential" . and as such . no one gets thru . to call him and/or gets any info .. not even that he's there . other than the person he designates.
My suggestion (took Barb's suggestion for a therapuetic lie) .. as I told her: "maybe have to utilize a therapeutic lie .. tell her doc orders, complete rest, no phone calls through, he'll be in touch when that order is lifted"
Stepsister's response: "But what do I tell her as to why they say he's not even there".
Me: I don't know, this is all uncharted waters for me .. call case management I don't know. All I can tell ya is that supposedly it's me he designated, . .and so I can . yes call there, but have to go via unit sect'y . and xfer to his room . and I haven't tried .. pretty disgusted with all this. Not going to answer phone if calls forthcoming to my world, from your mom . can't deal with her, . you guys figure that out"
Nothing further.
Then .. another call from case management to me: "Miss Dorker, we are going to have to put another level of security as to the confidential status . I'm afraid someone called . .and said they were you, . but the number they were calling from didn't match . so we were unable to put the call through or provide any information . but we'll need to get from you a "code" word, . so we can assure that only you .. are the one we're speaking to".
SIGH
Provided that to them, . asked, . was that a local area code, . answer given, "no . it looked like a number from the T area of the state, not local".
(where stepsister lives), I guess stepsister was going to try to get thru . .and maybe pretending to be me . and it didn't work. As she put it, .. "I don't understand why they didn't just turn his phone off, . why does he have to be in a status of not even there .. they have no record of him there, . that's the one that's gonna really have mom in a fit".
(I did ask the case management when they called for me to provide a code word now as an extra level of security .. "why did you guys have to do this as confidential . and no record of him there, . why can't you just block all calls .. if the patient doesn't want to be bothered)
Her answer, .. "sometimes the patient has designated individuals that they feel comfortable working on their behalf . as to their needs . and they would rather only that individual be allowed access . and .. sometimes . as we've seen here, .. people will try to work around that, and call from all sorts of different numbers .. and pretend to be someone they aren't .. we have to protect our patient and their wishes".
Me a big sigh and: "Ok".
The last two years of my mothers life my phone(s) rang and rang and rang. Even when I told EVERYONE involved “I’m going out of town for three days. DO NOT CALL ME unless it’s a matter of life or death”... I got six phone calls over those three days. And, no - none even close to life or death. Honestly, reading your account of the ringing phone practically had me breaking out in a cold sweat. My mother has been gone almost four years and my stomach still clenches up when my phone(s) ring.
Now is the time, Dorker - to decide whether you are in or you’re out. Trying to navigate the status quo as it currently is will be impossible. It’s like being “a little bit” pregnant. Either you are or you aren’t.
Case management called, just to let me know contact #'s there . and .. that there will be a multi faceted modality meeting on Tuesday as to care plan . and I will be made aware of results there.
I expressed my disdain for what is presently ongoing in this "confidential" status and she said the following .. "Well I do see here, he has signed a consent form designating you as his health surrogate in the event he is unable to makek health decisions on his own". Me; "I didn't know that .. I know he did that last year when he was hospitalized . but I was under the impression those are per occurrence". Her response: "I see this one was dated May 6th . so he just did this . and yes this good for a period of 1 year . unless another one is signed taking precedence, . so what that means is that you can call here, and gather information if you wish as to his well being . and that staff may call you for input as to heatlhcare decisions he deems to want your input on . or . if he should become incapacitated as to making his own decisoins .. he named you . not his wife".
Me: Again . I need a roadmap for how to navigate all this .. I don't know that I'm comfortable answering to her . in regards to all this and the why's of it . should she ask me .. Obviously they won't be calling her to inform as to his well being or not . .or calling her, to ask any health questions . it'll be me they call . and .. of course, .. I can certainly make informed decisions . but .. I don't know that I sit real well with speaking to her on that, her and her broken brain"
Case mgr: "yea I can understand that, what we'll do is maybe reach out and have someone call you to better help you navigate a way to handle all this"
And with that call dispensed with.
Haven't had my phone ring not once this AM .. with a frantic K . at a loss for where is her husband, nor stepsister as to what she did to put a lid on her frantic mom . her from afar ..
Nor have I reached out to call my dad ..
From what I understand from case management, he has a phone .. but that number is not given out, not even to me .. I will have to call the unit sect'y . (was provided that #) and identify myself, for xfer to his room.
I haven't tried. Don't know that I will, put out with all this b'chit . I mean really really put out.
It is also not your job to deal with stepmother. Tell stepsister to get caregivers in or call 911 to get her mother into the hospital to deal with her rapidly deteriorating mental state.
If you CHOOSE to deal with her, a consistent therapeutic fib (agreed upon by you and K's daughter) is to say that his doctor has ordered that he get complete rest and not be disturbed with phone calls. And that he will be in contact with her when that order is lifted.