I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She, too, expected me to be her babysitter at the drop of a hat. Her hubby was always very grateful, but I rarely heard a thank you from her.
She's suffered on and off from severe depression and anxiety, as I do, and I know she somehow blames me for it.
And she (and all my kids) happily screen my calls and I just try not to take it too personally. They are all awful at answering texts, too. I do NOT like to text, b/c I feel it is so impersonal and the meaning of what you're trying to say gets lost in the rapid fire of a text--where if I can hear their voice, I can figure out what kind of MOOD they are in and whether I want to wade in those waters.
A huge discovery I made, which doing chemo, was that I know my kids love me. I also know I am not 'relevant' to their lives, their happiness, nothing. I think this happens to most people. They're perfectly fine with me as long as I am doing what they want me to do---sounds like DD is that way too.
Don't get me wrong, they are great, functional adults and parents. But DH and I are simply 'add ons'. They don't want our outdated opinions. They don't want to worry or think about us.
My goal was to raise strong, independent kids. I think I did too good a job :)
Barb is right. Step WAAAAAAY back.
Your father is dying. You are trying to deal with his mess of end of life issues. This is the time when your family is supposed to be supporting YOU, not making demands.
Step back. WAAAAAAAAAY back and let them figure life out for themselves for once.
It's hurtful.
No I can't imagine anyone dumping all that on your 78 yo mom and then having any issue when it doesn't get done. That's just absolutely cruel.
Then when my mom goes back home - my sister can't be bothered to call, return calls, or return texts. She'll go months without contacting my mom.
Finally - my mom did say "no" to doing all of my sister's housework when she came to visit and that was ugly. Sister has not invited my mom in two years now and my mom misses my niece. 7 almost 8 years old. Who invites their 78 year old mom to visit for a week and then saddles her with all of the child care and heavy house cleaning and painting, and gets snotty if it doesn't all get done?
I have followed your posts for three years now. You are very intelligent and great at breaking down big issues to small manageable bites. You are big picture and can see where the issues are headed and proactive at seeking solutions. You are kind and also practical. You don't wring your hands wishing things would change - you make change. You support your three daughters, DH, SIL, your sister in law and B, your Dad, your mom, interact with stepsister about K, and your church and your work.
If anyone is going to swish around in a hot pink satin cape with S on it - it would be you. How you do it all and remain kind is amazing. Remember to save yourself too - i hate to think what would happen to all of your loved ones if something happened to you. [handsome man whisks you off to Belize!! - we can all dream]
she did give me a ride to the airport to pick up my rental car. But honestly that is the only thing I have asked of her in I don't know when .. that's the God's honest truth . I am not some mom over here constantly needing her for something or other, . she's far too occupied w/her own world and I know that. That's the only thing she has done for me . that I've asked of her in I don't know how long, and that's the truth .. I never ask.
I just make due, and don't ask
And then last night . .figuring her more techy than me .. I asked for her user name on Skype . and so I could maybe try to work thru if I have this thing down here . and got ignored .. and so yea . had a problem with it ..
So ... I don't know what indian burial ground my ancestors pizzed on . back in the day . but it seems there is no peace in this life for me .. n.e.v.e.r. will be.
Just hurtful .. I don't deserve this kinda treatment simply because I have taken a step back . an enormous 40 steps back in fact, . from the drop in daycare she enjoyed far too long and obvious wasn't appreciative of, but took for granted.
So I get this text from her: "Sorry I fell asleep".
I guess I had a choice to respond, "okay" . or not. I chose not.
I responded, 'No you weren't . as I said last night, I thought that might've been the case, . but I went on FB when I finally put the phone down and quit working on it, and saw that you were at that very moment bantering with your sister on some funny things on FB .. so no . you weren't asleep. But whatever".
She answered that: "Night time not a good time for troubleshooting .. I've been put on a new med that makes me kinda sleepy at night .. and I know about as much about Skype as you do .. I wasn't able to help anymore. Sorry. Whatever back at ya".
So I guess I'd started a fight now.
I responded, "call me when you have a minute".
Her response to that: "And I won't need your help on Wednesday like I asked for ... so I won't bother you with any my stuff. Take care, turning off my phone now".
Me: "Wow .. .Are you serious with this? You can't even take a minute to call me?".
No response.
About 30 mins later, I was out the door to the hospital in a few, so texted again: "Omw to hospital shortly would like a few mins on the phone with you and not to have a big problem here, I can't call you as I don't know the chaos in your world, so call me if you can when you have a moment".
In about 10 mins I get this text from her: "Tried to call you (my phone was on me, I hadn't missed any calls) I'm really not in a good constructive mood. I really don't appreicate you catching a tude with me over Skype and whether or not I was available or not. I'm pretty pushed off... My phone, I pay the bill on it, . I don't remember if I was sleeping or posting or whatever, if I was posting or not. But I don't feel I have to explain to you .. I think I do pretty dam good 99.9% of the time trying to help and be supportive. So if I fell short I'm sorry.
I responded: "phone is right here on me, I don't see any missed calls".
DD: "Feel free to call if you think there's more that needs to be said".
So I did that . I called her . and as ususal . might as well call the monkey cage at the zoo trying to talk to her . a kid in her ear crying at that moment.
Me: So . why is that I feel these days you are blowing me off .. I get the sense that you can't be bothered with me, founded/no?"
DD: "I don't know you tell me .. why is it you feel that I'm blowing you off".
Give her examples as cited here.
DD: "What cuz I couldn't do your hair one time .. one friggin time in all these years .. one time ... !!!.... whatever mom".
Me: "Not just that DD . I mean the whole thing . you last night . disappearing on me, .. you could've responded .. not helping with that right now, it's been a day . or something but to just ignore me".
DD: "Hey ya know, I do the best I can to help you when you need it .. I took you to the airport to pick up your rental car a week or so ago . and didn't say a thing about it that it meant the kids fell asleep in the car .. and that ruined their nap .. I try to help you. When you tell me no you can't help I just have to lump it . you're gonna have to learn to do the same".
Me: "Communication? Maybe? You didn't tell me anything . if you ask me . to help you . in some way I respond . I don't ignore you".
DD: "Well . I'm sorry I did fall asleep .. I mean . I didn't open my mssgs to know that you had texted more .. and I did fall asleep . yes I was clowning on FB with YD .. but after that I did fall asleep and didn't open my mssgs to see if you'd texted more, sorry".
So that's how things remain on that front ..
So . I dunno . .I still feel like . because I've taken a huge enormous forty steps back from open ended drop in daycare here . that I am being shown . by her .. "you don't help me, I won't help you". That's how it feels to me, but maybe I'm just over weary . and it isn't that at all, but sure seems it.
And yes .. back before I took my wknd trip . she did
It didn't come up under her email .. I entered her real name . and that brought up about 50 choices w/that name .. obviously no way to know which one of those might actually be her .. or someone else that has the same very common name.
So I reached out again , . as I'd seen in my Skype that I somehow got assigned a username that I didn't pick out .. but there it is . my user name . and it's not my email addy ..
So I reached out again to DD: "No .. it doesn't find you under your email addy . what's your user name . look under profile, account settings . see if it has you signed under a user name . not your email".
No response. Nothing.
I went on .. and in a few texted again .. "where'd ya go?". No response.
I went on .. and I guess I got it working I don't know . I'm really not sure .. the only two people I know that have Skype (I dont' go around asking . hey do you have Skype let me call you) .. the only two people I know for certain are DD and SIL ..
I don't know if it's working or not ..
So .. when I finished . and put it down . DD not responding anymore, . at all. I figured she'd done as she's been known to do in late night texts in the past, . just pass the h377 out and not respond. I figured maybe she'd gone to sleep .. and conked out on me.
But when I put the phone down . and then just for nothing else to do . not wanting to monkey with that anymore, getting late .. I clicked onto FB to see what's going on . and of course, there I see DD .. in lighthearted give and take responses with her younger sister on something they found funny . and yes, at that very moment . the two of them . (YD not home at present) .. but obvious the two of them in a give and take of responses back and forthing on FB . .and right at that moment ..
So no . she hadn't conked out on me at all, as I'd assumed, she was still awake and obviously had her phone in her hand as the bantering ongoing with her younger sister . but was .. I guess for whatever her reason . ignoring texts from me, as I'd gotten no response from her.
I texted, .. "Hmm .. ok, well I guess you were done with me and my Skype issues . no response from you, but I see you on FB . so .. obvious you were awake . but just didn't wanna be bothered maybe".
No response.
Woke up this AM .. really aggravated and on my last nerve w/her.
Not that she owes me her techy knowledge of anything else, but ya know, a polite response of perhaps .. "gee mom not into that right now, hope you figure it out . sorry" . something/anything . considering that I have .. for forever, . been at the ready to help her in any way I could . thru the years .. (not recently I haven't) .. but a polite response of some sort maybe . was that asking too much .. not just ignoring me.
So .. trying to approach things this morning . waking up aggravated about it, . I figured . .well communication always best Dorker . so reach out to her, obvious you are feeling as though she is blowing you off .. and whether that is founded or not . it's what things seem to you . so reach out to her, get it on the table . either she'll deny that . and we move on . or she admits it . yea mom .. ya know you aren't there for me these days . how'do you like it when Im' not there for you either .. but either way let's get it on the table.
So I called her. No answer, (as usual . can never reach her on the phone).
Just vowed I call her later, and get this on the agenda and talk it thru . obvious I feel kinda slighted here, . founded in any realistic view on my part, I don't know, but let's talk about it.
But . incoming a bit later, a text from her, in response to what I'd last sent last night .. and it read: "Sorry I fell asleep".
Well now that is a blatant lie . as I'd already seen . and texted accordingly that I thought that might've been the case, but saw that she was on FB playing with her sister . so no .. that was a lie .. she wasn't asleep ..
See if maybe . if she feels like someone needs her . .maybe she'll rise to it".
I did that, . sent a text to DD in that tone, and she responded, "Ok, sorry .. I'm here for you".
Later that day she sent me a text: "if you wanna come by for some cuddles from the little ones and have dinner here, I've got dinner".
I took her up on it, . left the hospital later and went to her house, played with the kids there, and let her finish dinner, enjoyed dinner there, visited . talked to her some and she assures that she is on new meds (for what condition I didn't ask .. Bipolar still, just depression .. .I don't know) and that she still feels depressed . and that she's in touch with them . and they assure that it'll take time . and if not . they'll try something else.
Left it at that.
There is no time for deep conversation with her, in her world, there are two year old, almost 3 now . twins that are .. I mean when I say these two kids, both of them want undivided attention . .and at the same time . that is the truth. One can't hold a single sentence with her, that it doesn't get interrupted .. that's how it goes.
So then .. just last night .. I guess I committed the faux pas of them all.
I was working to try to resolve this whole Skype thing so that DH can visit his mom .. (I'm the more techy of the two of us and that's not saying much cuz I'm no techy) .. his Skype on his phone not working right .. I'd thought "well I'll DL it to my phone if I can get mine to work, then maybe I can work his" .. Mine wasn't working either, . so I was working last night to try to resolve some of that .. the first chance I've had really to sit down phones in hand . and work at it.
Was getting stumped .. really.
I reached out to DD . who I know has Skype on her mobile phone . asking her what is her user name . if I can find her, maybe I can call her and see if it's working.
She answered (this was all via text) .. I'd tried to call her on the phone, she hadn't answered the phone. I worked at it a while longer, stumped .. I then called her husband .. I had texted DD but she didn't answer the text.
I know not to call her much before like 9 PM . she may be dealing with kids and can't be attentive . .this was at like 9;30 ..
I had texted her she didn't respond . had tried to call her, she hadn't picked up. So I called her husband (who always answers if you call) .. Me: "Do you have SKype on your phone, I'm trying to troubleshoot why mine won't work, and getting stuck, do you have Skype". Him: "No .. but DD does". Me; "yea I know . I tried to call her, she didn't answer .. I texted her, she hasn't answered". Him: "Ill go get her, she's inside".
She still didn't respond. I went on .. working on it, trying to ..
Finally got SIL in IL . on DH's phone, so I did something right . somehow I got his to work, where it hadn't been working before, put the two of them together, and now they were video chatting ..
Returned a call to my dad at the hospital and dispensed with that, while DH and his sister video chatted on Skype. Then . when I finished w/my phone call to my dad, I resumed working on my phone . or trying to ..
Finally DD called on the home phone, "what's up hubby said you were looking for me".
Me: "Oh I think I might've figured it out . I hope .. .I was working on trying to get Skype to work for your dad's phone . you know . that's the only way he can "see" and visit with granny nowdays .. so I think I got his figured out, .. he's talking to his sister on Skype . but I'm gonna work on mine now, see if I can get mine to work now". We hung up.
I went back to my phone to work on it .. and since SIL had obliged with DH . didn't wanna bother her .. so I then went to work on mine . reached out to DD . "What's your user name for Skype so I can see if I can video call you on it".
She answered . with her email address. I looked for that in the search field
always thru the years, . throw it out there and work around what works for her. It's never ever been a situation where I demand per se, .. "Ill be at your house at 4 today make it happen". That's not been how it works. I throw it out there, and generally she would tell me some notion of what might work for her, . maybe she can't do it til the wknd . fine .. I'll wait . maybe she can't do it til next week, one weeknight . that's fine . we'll go with that.
This time however .. I threw it out there and the answer I got, . "I don't know, .. just don't think it'll be possible".
Huh? All these years .. it's been a workable situation . one where I just kinda hang back and wait for what works for her, . but . this time . it's a "dont' think that'll be possible".
I answered that (this is all text, talking to her on the phone .. I might as well call a daycare, with 30 kids running amok . it's impossible). I answered that: "just whatever works for your schedule, like always".
Her response: "I don't know, . I just don't see it working out . I mea if you're lit somewhere these days I'm not . and if I'm lit somewhere . then you aren't . we just aren't gonna be able to do it".
Me: "I hate having to pay salon prices .. I'd rather pay you, but I guess if you can't do it, . you can't do it".
DD: "Sorry .. can't make it happen".
I went to a salon and got my hair taken care of (not happy with it, . I like what DD does better) . but okay.
So that was slight #1 .. or so I kinda felt it. It's never been a problem and this goes back many years .. that I just throw it out there and she tells me . what works for her schedule and we work around it . .and there ya go. Suddenly now though .. guess not. Okay .. I'll go in a different direction, and I did.
So then on the day that my dad was to have his heart cath . .and I was there .. and so they'd just wheeled him away for that .. I'd had a call from DD earlier that morning asking if I could watch the kids for her to go to the grocery store and I'd answered no . that I was on my way out to the hospital . dad's heart cath.
So they'd wheeled dad away for that procedure (which went just fine) .. and I get a text from DD: "I've been feeling kinda down and depressed lately, I'm going to isolate here with me and my little crew .. and .. so .. turning off my texts, if you need me, call on the phone but only if it's an emergency . otherwise, I don't wanna be bothered".
I sat there, at least in that moment, and tears filled my eyes there at the waiting room. I really hadn't been all that upset as regards my dad, .. as there is an awareness, he is on some serious borrowed time these days . any days he has at this point, are borrowed .. .he and MIL both for that matter. But .. the whole .. my thinking . as tears filled my eyes, as I sat there, "ya know, .. I am all that this old frail man has . his wife is no good in any of this . his son . he lives 1 1/2 hours away and can't be here .. I'm all he has . .and so here I am .. trying to be of support .. and now this from DD .. so what am I supposed to do, . do I dash out of here, and go in search of DD and this .. depression she feels that she feels it necessary to *isolate* her words .. do I step off of this dad thing and resume being helpful to DD .. what do I do .. I'm only one person . and dam her .. damit .. I mean it .. I've got enough on my plate here, . .why can't I have in her, the support .. that she knows I'm doing all I can at the moment .. why put that on me".
In that moment .. SIL texted, to ask how my dad was .. I answered her, that they'd just wheeled him away for the catheter, but then answered her . as to what DD has texted to me.
SIL texted back: "How selfish of her .. but maybe she's just in a dark place that she can't look outside of what her needs are. Maybe flip it on her, and respond to her that you'd so like her support, that you too are weathering some tough times, flip it on her .. see
on another front that is ever present .. DD, and problems there.
I don't know, has nothing to do with aged care .. at all, but maybe just putting it down in writing will be therapeutic. Who knows.
So, . sometime in the whole continuum with the DD thing .. I'd began to feel a bit put upon and taken advantage of and used/abused . as to the drop in childcare that is found in me. I mean . it had gotten to the point I had them some portion for varying reasons/excuses .. 2 and 3 x's a week, for some portion or all of at least some of those days . 2 and 3 x's weekly. Not all day every one of those 2 or 3 x's ... but a portion thereof . a large portion at times, . and sometimes even a whole day or two or three here and there.
And so .. it dawned on me, "ain't nothin gonna change unless you change it", so I did. I began to pull back and not be as "at the ready" as to drop in childcare here. I mean . I did my gig . raising kids .. I love them dearly and they are precious . all of them .. But when it was my turn doing all this, I did it .. daily .. I managed, whether it was "I wanna clean my house and I can't with these kids under foot" . or "I want to go to the grocery store and not have a kid picking up what I put in the cart and heaving it out of the cart" .. or whether it was "I just want some *me* time" .. or .. "I have a hundred errands to run today". I did it, . I just did it ..
I'm not 30 anymore .. and I get tired now. Not to mention I have other responsibilities that I found myself at times ... I was rushing/stressed the h377 out, .. "let me get finished here with what's on my radar to get done . cuz I gotta be back, DD dropping kids off at "x" o'clock .. I gotta get done here, .. oh man, no more hiccups in my day .. man oh man, running outta time . oh well guess I'll get to it tomorrow . and then tomorrow would come and it'd be some other hiccup that life throws at ya ..
All that to say that I found myself stressing out at times . all at the feet of trying to be there for DD . and be there as to drop in childcare.
So I began to pull back some and not be as "at the ready".
Feeling a bit taken for granted and taken advantage of.
I can't say precisely when that fork in the road took me on that detour but it wasn't long ago ..
Then . my dad's situation fell off the side of the earth and so . that took me . kinda in that direction as to energy and time spent .. and so .. all in all, . all that to say .. I have been MIA as to any kid action.
I really have not had the time ... at all, to be available to pick up any slack as to kids.
Was never written any stone anywhere anyhow .. "gee mom will be available a few times a week" . .that was never hashed out and written anywhere in stone. It's just kinda how things were . mom here .. good ole Dorker . .. was here. Until Dorker wasn't. .. and that's been fairly recent.
I don't know, maybe I'm too overly sensitive/tired/impatient . I don't know . maybe it's all my fault .. but I guess I've probably upset the apple cart in that whole arena.
I haven't been asked, but a couple of times and those times, the answer has been no, as I dashed off to a case management setting for my dad, or trying to get to the hospital to be there when docs do rounds .. or whatever else I've had on the agenda, so if I've been asked the answer has been no.
Well, fine and good, right? I don't owe her the free childcare she enjoyed and benefited from .. I don't owe that to anyone.
Well, . I guess it isn't so fine. I don't know, maybe just perceived wrongly by me, and I'm tired and overly sensitive and what I see/sense . isn't there at all, .. maybe I'm just being too sensitive.
So .. a week or so I did as I've done for years .. I always . when I need my hair done (which DD is paid to do, would rather line her pockets if possible) .. I always reach out to her (color/cut) .. and ask when she might have time to do my hair. I always
Nothing new to report from colonoscopy really. Other than .. some ulcer located near the rectum . and evidence of bleed there .. and some diverticulitis (which we knew he had) but no evidence of bleed there or any other issue there. The only other update was that cardio wants Eliquis pulled .. obviously not a good candidate for it. Talked of the whole Watchman procedure that can be done on those who don't tolerate blood thinners. And dad not much interested in that .. even tho risk of not taking blood thinners, puts one at greater risk for stroke.
I don't know, call me tired, .. I pushed (some) on that issue, but not hard. I, at this point .. whatever. So you're rendered bed bound from a massive stroke .. what QOL do you have right now, my thinking on it, kinda. Just too tired to be very persuasive really. His choice.
On the whole MIL front . .. seems she fades in and out of that fog that envelopes her . .and last week looked more dire. And so .. the whole Covid thing that restricts visitors (though if one is at EOL . they will allow 1 visitor, 1 time) ... things looking so dire last week . like she might actually just fade onto that cloud that must be coming for her, . as she's not in the here and now with us for sure. (her vitals have registered fine thus far, no matter what's going on . so there's been no invite to bring 1 visitor, 1 time). When things looked so dire YD .. asserting .. the following:
YD: "I feel so bad for her, . ya know, she was with pappa when he died . she got to be there and hold his hand .. and he slipped away . she was with her mother when she died, her dad . and she's gonna have to die all alone because we can't get in there . .to be with her, . is there ANY WAY that we can bring her here to die . .so that she can be surrounded by family?"
At the time this push was on by YD .. I was in the throes of whatever was ongoing at the moment with my dad . .and my answer, when asked that: "I don't see how that can happen YD . first off, we don't know that she's dying . her vitals are fine . .and always have been . and so to bring her into our home . when her needs, I mean she has to have her foods pureed now . and her pills crushed, and IV fluids . .as she dehydrates from not drinking . and her care, .. is way beyond what any of us can do".
YD: "I just think . if she could be surrounded by those she loves as she departs this life".
Me: "Yea .. I guess in the best of all worlds, . gotta run"
So I was off and gone to the next task at hand . but thinking to myself .. yea .. would be nice . but her needs are such at this point . that there's no way I can attend to it, . and you all know who precisely would be the one to attend to it ..
She asked that I guess at one point of SIL who responded, .. "I don't know .. I mean .. I'm checking into the whole hospice thing or having the CM do it . .and I don't even know that she'd qualify for hospice, . her vitals are all okay . and even if we got her to a hospice site . would they even allow visitors with the Covid thing . I don't know".
Later when her dad was home .. she asked of her dad, .. "is there any way we can bring granny here, to die .. I mean it's just so sad she'll have to die all alone".
DH: "I don't know, hold the phone on all that YD ... I mean .. she has done this before, only to rally some and come back from under that fog . and I don't know . I mean your mom has her hands full .. with her dad and that situation . I just don't see how that can happen".
That put that to rest (I guess for now).
MIL does seem to teeter somewhere between here with us, sorta .. (said loosely) and somewhere far far away not reachable .. but yet her vital signs are all a-ok.
And on another
(((((hugs)))))) We are here for you, even if you just want to vent.
se·nes·cence
/səˈnesəns/
nounBIOLOGY
the condition or process of deterioration with age.
loss of a cell's power of division and growth.
Dorker, your life makes my head spin.
I am really, really surprised they are doing a colonoscopy on your dad--but then Drs. will keep on treating until the patient says "stop, enough already".
Sadly, all these signs are signs of someone who is slowly dying. Not to upset your further, but we only read the snippets of what has transpired and I find it amazing your dad is still alive! His cancer is still active, his skin is tearing like tissue paper and now he has gastro bleeds. In truth, even if they DO find a 'source' at his age and with his terrible health, he likely wouldn't survive anything. Even the colonoscopy's super high risk.
He must really, really, really want to still live.
And poor MIL. Also doing the slow roll to the fluffy clouds. Isn't SIL due to come pretty soon? You're carrying a LOT on your shoulders!!
No grand words of wisdom. I remember the year both my FIL and daddy died. It was a rough year. And now we have 2 crabby 90 yo mothers to deal with. Both sliding into senescence slowly, but surely.
THIS kind of thing is why I told my oncologist I was a 'one and done'--that when my cancer returns, and it will, I will not do chemo again. It was brutal and I'm STILL not 100% recovered. To do this all again at, say 80? No thanks.
Hope family life is more peaceful. Take care of yourself, OK? Things are gonna get worse before they're better. We all care about you, and don't want you to crash and burn!!
Be prepared for anything.
My Mum's abdo pain has her suddenly under the knife for appendix removal today, instead of more tests.
The only thing I know about a plan is that the plan always changes.
So I am with you in the 'soup' today 😔. (Do you have that saying?)
🙏
I've only been told it's darker .. as in .. it's probably upper . and has traveled/aged it's way thru lower GI tract.
That's why my question today that I still don't understand ...
The doc when he came into the ER last night .. it as mentioned endoscopy .. as .. the blood appears darker . and .. as such . likely it's aged/traveling thru lower GI .. so endoscopy
But suddenly today it's changed to colonoscopy . and not endoscopy as was said last night in ER.
I asked . and the explanation . "well he's not having any pain/discomfort in the stomach region . and not vomitting .. so we're gonna do a colonscopy .. check things out . and if we don't find anything there, we may do an endoscopy but not at the same time .. this will be conscious sedation and I don't wanna have to keep him sedated too long".
Uh .. okay. I still don't understand why it went from Endoscopy possibility last night, to Colonoscopy today .. .I still don't understand that .. but okay.
I totally get the badpan frustration! It's a basic human need that makes waiting around in ERs even worse that it is already.
Very dark red, black, coffee granual or tarry is called melena. Been there longer - from upper GI tract. Can have offensive odour.
Fun fact: Melena is a lovely word & has been used as a beautiful girls's name by their (sicko) Doctor fathers.
and in one day's time. There was a brand new electric shaver to replace the one that grew legs.
But all in all, that whole process . it took 3 or 4 phone calls from me, . to get his clothes and belongings back to him .. and .. the shoes . another 2 phone calls before those were found . and . the shaver another 2 or 3 phone calls.
This time . when they called . "his belongings need to be picked up" .. I didn't ask them to lock them up for me .. opting instead to .. I'll take possession of them . at least they won't grow legs . any of it .. and I'll be able to .. when he gets back to rehab . be the one to get it there on site, without the necessity of about 10 phone calls to make it happen.
So . .talking w/them this morning . them calling for me to retrieve his items. Me: "Is there anyway it can be left downstairs .. and I'll just run in and grab it from the covered awning outside, .. it's pouring all day to day and I don't really wanna walk thru the parking lot lugging all that and try to navigate an umbrella too . . can you guys just leave it downstairs . all his stuff . with maybe security".
(and no . because of Covid . no more than 1 visitor . so not like I can have someone go with me to lug all this stuff . and one of us hold the umbrella and the other lug all the stuff)
Answer; "No . we can't leave it with security but call us when you pull up under the awning and we'll bring it to you".
So after I visited with my dad .. I went to rehab . pulled up under the awning . and called them. Some 1 hour later, as I sat .. waiting . and calling again every 15 mins ... "I'm still here, is this not a good time" and assurances .. that yes, . we'll be there with his things in a moment, we're just really busy today".
Finally after an hour of that . here she came with a humongous garbage bag tied and sealed, with his things. I hopped out . to go thru it, to make sure shoes were there, his books, his eyeglasses .. his shaver, etc .. and no they weren't . just his clean clothes.
The gal didn't stick around . she had put that big huge gbg bag in the back of my car with an apology it took her so long . and off she flew.
So another call, "it's not all here .. I don't have his shoes, . his electric shaver, his deodorant . his books, .. ".
Answer: "Oh I have the rest of it, I'll be right down".
(she didn't say that before, she just offloaded a humongous garbage bag into the back of my car, and off she went)
So now she came back . 3 more big huge garbage bags full of stuff . untie those to go thru them .. and one of them .. OMG the smell .. and I saw just in the brief second I opened it, .. one of them had a hospital bag full of chitted up .. I dunno . shorts underpants .. not sure, didn't inspect it) . but yes, everything else was in there.
So got home . and went thru some of it . and tossed that chitted up stuff right into the trash outside .. didn't even open that hospital bag and touch it .. and then promptly inside to wash my hands for like 30 mins..
And so .. that was today's events. That and trying to (not all that techy) trying to get Skype figured out on DH's phone . as that's the only way he can "See" his mom now for visits . her now too weak for window visits .. so schedule a skype visit. He got that DL'd onto his phone but it doesn't work .. for some odd reason . so trying to troubleshoot that, this evening.
So that's been my world of late.
at that point, I went on the hunt for said nurse and bedpan . and nowhere to be found. In fact, no one at all at the nurse desk . not a living breathing soul anywhere.
So I then wound my way around to what was . must've been another nurse station for another bank of rooms . there I found some woman . obviously not medical personnel . but input at a laptop . for all I know she was a doc, I don't know. Mentioned the dilemma to her, . and deer caught in the headlights . she obviously wanted no part of owning this issue to address any of it, cautioning me that I'd come to the wrong nurse desk . they don't deal w/that bank of rooms. I then responding .. "I already went to the applicable nurse desk, there was no one there to speak to". Her then . just a blank look, like she'd like to tell me .. "well I dunno then . sorry" . but didn't say that . but she dam sure didn't offer any solution at all, .. just sat there .. blank look. Idiot.
To my response to her, . ."Well thanks for nothin . ", as I walked away leaving her with her no response and blank look. What the h377?
Rounded the corner again, .now saw the same nurse who had left some now 15/20 mins earlier to go find said bedpan . and cautioned again . ."you guys are gonna be scraping that stool off the sheets . he has to go".
Didn't seem to be any urgency .. as she then went around the corner, not explaining at all what she was doing that was taking so long .. then I saw her come again in the direction where we were, . no bedpan . but got stopped by someone speaking to her .. and then she walked over to the laptop to check something.
At that point, I was really aggravated .. really angry. But I thought .. I've done all I can . if he has chitapalooza everywhere . then oh well . this is so ridiculous . here in a dam ER and no bedpan to be had anywhere".
Finally here she came . some other human with her, with a stool sample cup . and into his room they went . to turn him on his side, and get bedpan under him .. I stepped out.
She stepped out of the room in a few, "I told him to holler for me when he's done" and off he went.
Wasn't long and dad hollering for me .. "Dorker could you find my nurse and tell her I'm thru". Me, .. "dad push the nurse button". Him hollering back .. "could you tell her I"m through in here", me, "Dad push the nurse button and let them know". Him . ."can you let my nurse know I'm through in here".
I thought . well this could go on all night .. fine .. I'll see if I can find her. I did . found her, . and told her he's through . again . she was in no rush to get back in there . for said stool sample and get him off the bedpan ..
Took another 6 or 7 mins for her to return. I think that's just . that whole thing was wholly unacceptable. I mean . c'mon .. 30 dam mins to get a bedpan to someone you know to be suffering from loose stools . and you've told em you want a stool sample . and then another 6 or 7 mins to come get him off the bedpan. C'mon!
Admittedly I'm tired and low on patience though.
THEN today ... I swear .. ya'll are gonna see me on the news on CNN .. "woman goes berserk with healthcare workers".
I get a call from rehab that I'll need to come retrieve his things . rooms aren't held for people who are now inpatient at the hospital.
Went thru this last week when his rehab stint got a detour for heart problems into the ER and admit there. Last time .. I asked if they could lock up his things and was told that yes . they'd do so.
He did get rerouted back there and so now . time to go find those items that are his possessions . inclusive of an electric shaver and shoes as well as clothing they require he put on daily there.
When he made it back to the rehab .. the shoes couldn't be found . his sneakers .. somehow they grew legs it appeared (they were later located) . as was his shaver, .. I guess it did in fact grow legs and walk away.
They did replace the electric shaver
got started cooking dinner, when the phone rang, his nurse, . "just letting you know, we're sending him to the ER . he's had what looks to be significant blood in his stool here, doc wants him sent to ER .. they'll likely admit him".
Me: "Do you know, does this look like C-diff to you?".
Nurse: "No, not really .. the smell . to me it seems more like a GI bleed".
(It has a smell?, ... I mean . yea . .poop is gonna smell .. I get that . but .. when there is a bleed that has a distinctive smell? .. who knew).
So .. I finished getting dinner cooked, had a few bites and went on to the ER ..
There, . found my dad . somewhat more disoriented than I'd found him earlier in the day visiting (though he'd been awfully tired/weary . when I visited him earlier in the day).
Somewhat disoriented .. and at times .. fading in and out of being all that lucid.
The results there, hemoglobin low, would be ordering transfusion . and admitting . for observation . and likely an endoscopy or colonoscopy. That was last night, . I left before they carted him to his room, left him in the ER .. at the point they were waiting for a room to transport him to.
Came home. Went back today to visit . and GI doc .. doing colonoscopy tomorrow. I asked why a colonoscopy as last night's story was that they'd likely do an endoscopy .. as the blood appears dark . and that would indicate it's aged . .making it's way thru the lower GI tract .. and so why now . are we doing Colonoscopy not Endoscopy. Doc's explanation .. that there aren't any complaints of stomach upset .. and pain . and which would indicate maybe it's the lower GI that needs to be looked at .. and so colonscopy . and that if they don't find anything . then they may opt to do an endoscopy but not at the same time . as it will be conscious sedation . in any event, but don't wanna keep him sedated too long ..
Was mentioned they'd called for cardio consult as he takes Elliquis .. and that has had to be pulled, .. can't take that with an active bleed ongoing . and so cardio consult to ask about that issue . thus far, no changes . leave Elliquis off .. and nothing to substitute . for right now. I asked if Elliquis can cause a GI bleed and yes it can .. doc says. Explaining there could be a polyp that wouldn't otherwise bleed, . or maybe a blood vessel that wouldn't otherwise bleed, . or . it could be colitis . or a tumor .. but he won't know til he gets in there to look.
So, colonoscopy for tomorrow . at some point. Dad far more lucid today than what he was last night in the ER.
So . . as I said, same ole continual roller coaster of the elderly lives.
It does get one weary.
I know last night, .. I was supremely aggravated. I try really hard to be patient and have an awareness these nurses that work in ER . have more than one patient and likely some more critical . I try to always have an awareness about that and be patient. But I know they'd told him they want a stool sample . and so he'd indicated he needed the bed pan .. he said .. some 10 mins or so before I got there, . no bed pan coming forth.
In about 5 or so mins .. his nurse came in to introduce herself. I asked about the requested bedpan and was told .. by her . she's trying to find one. (what do I know, but I would think bedpans would be everywhere in an ER . but .. what do I know, . trying to find one?).
I asked her, .. "he says you guys need a stool sample". she confirmed that yes they do .. and I cautioned . well it sounds like he's got some pretty loose stools from what I hear . so maybe ou might wanna go scare up a bedpan .. with a quickness. She left to go do so.
15 mins later, no nurse, no bedpan . it's now 20/25 mins into when he requested said bedpan. I was getting aggravated.
His words: They said they want a stool sample, if they don't get in here with that bedpan .. they're gonna have to scrape it up off the bed"
MIL slipped back into the fog that envelopes her and carries her away. Blood tests, IV's of fluids . and .. also the discussion that she has begun to choke .. on almost everything .. and a speech therapy eval ... and will now have pureed foods and thickening agents . in fluids.
Blood work, and a catheter to catch a clean specimen .. UTI found .. and so will given injections of some antibiotic .. as the oral version of same was just finished and obviously didn't do away with the UTI which was present before.
Seem she is more lucid now . now that she's had IV fluids .. (but saying "more" is relative here .. she's still kinda out of it, . but more able to . at least make attempt at conversation now . where before .. it's hopeless, she's so far out of it). Being fed pureed foods . and encouraged to drink more, . thickening agent in her water.
Surmize that perhaps she dehydrates . as she has gotten to where she chokes on almost anything, . pills now having to be crushed and put into applesauce, jello, . that kinda thing.
My dad .. I had worked to get all the logistics resolved, to get a DPOA meeting set for Tuesday AM ..
That .. with covid . isn't an easy feat. Not like the days of old where one waltzes into a patient's room with 2 or 3 others in tow. Not in Covid restriction time. Nope.
So coordinating .. with the case manager on site at the rehab . to get supervisory approval for atty/notary to even come there and be in his presence, at all, .. and that got done. Now . get everyone on the same date/time .. and available to make this happen .. and that includes CM who said he doesn't have a problem . willing to "witness" as to the above . needs to be 1 atty, 1 notary, 1 witness .. and all kinda dovetailing with one another.
Got all that done, .. and so that was set for Tuesday AM.
I will now call and cancel that, as dad is back inpatient in the hospital again, as of yesterday evening, GI bleed.
I had taken a day or two .. just away from visiting . would talk to him on the phone . but wasn't going there, . to the rehab site .. just figuring . let them get their bearings .. and they work with him 3 x's daily and he's pretty beat, . I'll stay outta the way . and take a respite from it all.
Went there yesterday, his laundry with me that I'd taken the few days before when I'd been there. Brought his laundry back .. and while visiting he mentioned in passing . that he'd had a lot of BM's the day before, one of which . they got all the flares shot up in the air, and all the concern .. that there was blood in his stool. He didn't seem too concerned about it, . figuring it was maybe some irritation from a too active BM cycle for the day.
GI doc popped in . .and felt around on his belly .. no complaints from him . he doesn't feel bad .. other than just unwell in general and more fatigued from the rigors of PT paces he's being put thru, but no gut pain .. etc. Doc mentioned "anymore blood in the stool, we'll have to get you over to the hospital and admitted, . maybe a Colonoscopy". I was there, .. asked the doc .. what might be causing this sudden issue. Of course, doc doesn't know, .. advising endoscopy of colonoscopy will be needed to make that determination ...
Had sent off already . blood work, to see if C-diff has returned .. had just finished his course of antibiotic for C-diff .. and had now been put back on it, just in case. IV fluids now started, . .don't want him to dehydrate .. and some med the doc rx'd that is supposed to soothe the gut .. and doc left after that.
I visited a little while longer, and then left myself.
Ran a few errands . one of which was to go buy the motherload at the grocery store (we were out of everything here). Got home . putting away groceries .. took forever, too much stuff. . Then getting started with cooking
Maybe Dorker has gotten some room to breathe.
Not only for privacy reasons but also I wouldnt want someone close to me to be burdened.
I don't know about your dad, but personally, I would ALWAYS rather tell a dispassionate professional who is licensed, insured and bonded my private and personal information than share it with a family member. But maybe that's just me.
I think THAT'S how you preserve dignity. The same way that I think/thought and will think going forward that it's better for a CNA to change my Depends than having one of my kids do it.
But that's just me.
I think there may be a misconception ongoing that I somehow think .. I have all the time in the world, with a sick/frail dad, .. to waltz off down the yellow brick road hand in hand. That's not my assumption at all. I know . his days are numbered, .. probably a lot shorter than we know. The relationship . distant that it was .. all these decades .. it is what it is. The time left .. to mend it all, and become fast friends .. and bonded, .. was long gone. I know all that, realize it. Fully.
The man is dying .. that's the fact.
Anything I do .. in his interest at this point .. more than he deserves .yes .. is done for a frail old man who has no one .. not a soul .. if I don't. His son . yes .. and in conjunction with the care I extend, we both .. work to that end, . to give him the dignity at the end of his life .. of someone who cares .. someone who talks to staff .. at medical sites on his behalf .. as he is too old frail, to even process the ongoing stuff .. all of it rapid fire, in his perception . and too much to process and understand/retain.
I talk to medical staff on his behalf, . his request, .. as does my brother .. his request. A frail old, lonely man .. whose only ally left in this life is a wife with a scrambled brain . and that's the truth.
I work with . and try to obtain the FL DL . needed to do DPOA . and the other documents that they can more readily get their hands on (SS and her DH) . as they are in and out of the HH of stepmom . not me. She wouldn't give me any documentation anyway . opting with her sugary sweet excuses of "Now I'll take care of that .. he doesn't need to bother you with all this" .. all the while . she's incapable.
As I examine it .. one day the old guy will be gone .. sooner rather than later, .. and what legacy can I live with as to what I did or didn't do .. at the end of his days. Did I suggest to him .. "ya know dad .. I think we'd all be better served, . to let the atty's deal with your financial affairs . and I'll just speak up on medical affairs .. how's that sound" . this man who has been so private that even I and my brother didn't know the inner workings of his life. That doesn't feel right to me .. as to what I would feel okay doing. It just doesn't . . not for what is .. this frail old ailing man at the end of his days.
Do I want to sign up to dance with the devil herself to do so. Absolutely not. Is that a risk . yes it is. But as I asked of the atty .. "what if this gets to be wholly more than I bargained for .. can I quit?". His explanation . "that's precisely why we like for an alternate or even a 2nd alternate to be assigned as DPOA .. that way if you back out .. there is at least one other, if not two . that can step into that role".
Am I going into it with a notion .. "Oh I'll just quit". Nope .. not at all. But more eyes wide open . and if .. scrambled brains herself, creates too much drama .. then .. I may reserve the right at that point . to step down from it .. and I'd do that. Maybe she won't . maybe she of scrambled brains who is slipping herself, mentally . will . one day in the not too distant future . be too compromised herself to even have any comprehension of what's up or down . and I suspect that too is coming fast as his demise.
Anyhoo - Back in Dorkerville...
It occurs to me that based on everything Dorker has told us about her father and his secretive ways - I doubt he would even allow a stranger - attorney or not - to manage his money matters.
“Tough noogies for him” - I hear you all thinking. But it does bring the issue back to Dorker and her “Druggie” brother (more eye rolling). “So...” I hear you all thinking. But it does revive the point that Dorker and her brother don’t want to leave the old guys naked backside out in the cold with his hospital gown flapping in the breeze. For whatever reason or motivation.
I guess I just tend to think - that when it comes to your parents and your children you can’t keep a score card tallying up the disappointments and wrong-doings and at the same time try to maintain any sort of decent relationship. If indeed, that’s what one wants. For whatever reason. It goes back to my much earlier post about being “a little bit pregnant”.
Go into it with your eyes wide open - expect disappointment, ugliness, greed and ingratitude - then proceed if you still have the stomach for it.
But, what do I know? I know that I get it - the dignity thing. Working to maintain my parents dignity was one of a couple overriding factors in all I did for them for all those years. It presented a lot of extra work for me and took me down more than a few rabbit holes - but I don’t regret doing it. I’m no poster child for how to survive looking after ones aged, ailing and crazy parents - just the opposite more likely. But I do know about regret. I guess it comes down to what you can withstand and what you’re prepare to lug around in your bargain Louis Vuitton suitcase for the rest of your life.
But that’s just me.