I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Polarbear is right. There's no good reason that I should be pushed to the outside of her life. Things didn't have to be that way. The dye was cast a long time ago though.
I suspect much as my dad spent his waning days perhaps with some regrets and a measure of torment thereof. She too ... if she lives long enough will die a sad somewhat more lonely existence than it had to be.
I recall my dad in his waning months lamenting his wife's loneliness, his worry with regard to her and the fact she doesn't involve herself with any social settings. Him lamenting he wishes her daughter would take the reigns more and be there for her mom.
I thought as he said those words, perhaps that's a prompt for me to offer up some solution, perhaps reassure him that I would step into that gap.
Of course no solution forthcoming from my corner. I remember responding to him "oh well can't fix some things & can't worry about what we can't fix. We know her daughter, because of her own mental health issues, can only take her mom in small doses, I certainly can't fix it, will help you as best I can but outside of that, just can't worry about it".
My dad was intuitive enough to have had some realization around the piece that his wife ... spending her days absent him & his care as her anchor, lonely and adrift ... and things should have been different somehow.
Ineed how different things mightve played out were she someone I enjoyed spending time with. Or maybe more to the point her find value in me and a friendship there.
I likely would have, at the very least, been someone that could have been a lifeline as to an outing for lunch or a play or an arts festival ... some small means of engagement.
Her loss indeed. I know who I am. A person who couldve turned a blind eye to his final days and maybe should have in the view of some. I didn't, turn a blind eye, I engaged (with limits). There's value in that. It's who I am.
She long ago made her choices and one of those was to disregard, reject her husband's offspring.
She is the one that loses in the end. Certainly not me. I wont put myself in a position where it's clearly telegraphed I'm not wanted.
So be it.
When someone who 'should' care for us, even just with the most remote of concern and interest--like a step mom, or MIL, or such--and they don't--we tend to try to jump through hoops to get them to 'like' us. Innate in the human experience is wanting to be 'liked' or at least, not 'hated' or worse, simply ignored.
You've been handed a raw deal, but you were there for your dad when he needed you, even when he did NOT 'deserve' that care. You're amazing.
SM is not a part of your life. She's made that clear. And now your dad has passed, she is even less a part of your life.
You are in the driver's seat as far as the relationship--call, don't call, send cards or don't....she doesn't care and if you choose to reach out, don't expect a warm welcome.
She has lost a good friend in you. In time, you will cease to even give a thought to her. She's literally 'nothing' to you, nothing at all. Relationships require a certain amount of nurturing to stay alive. This one won't get any if you don't put forth the energy and honestly? you don't need her or her crazy.
Just my oldest daughter, hubby and myself this year.
Quiet day here.
Enjoy the quiet holiday.
I for one am thankful this year is nearly over.
Beginning of Nov would have been 91st bday for MIL. The day, of course, noted with some sadness she's no longer among us. Resolute however, wouldnt want her still here if it meant suffering/sickness. But noted her more younger and healthier self missed.
As a side note, sounds like the sadness Crossing these milestones, is more deep for SIL.
Thanksgiving much the same. A kind of almost pause of sadness as you move thru the tasks at hand, miss the LO no longer part of the scene.
My dad, ... his bday .. coincidentally, was 1 week prior to his death and because Covid restrictions had begun to lift (with extreme limits) I'd been able to visit him briefly. So that milestone... awaits next year, when his bday time of year rolls around again on the calendar.
Thanksgiving & my dad, were never a part of the scene. Dad and Stepmom always did Tgiving with her daughter & family. So, for me, it wasn't really any impact.
I suppose as Xmas approaches and with relation to my dad... it'll be felt at least some. Not that he or she were on scene as part of Xmas here. Not so. But the last several years they were invited & always did come, Xmas eve ... a bit of a gathering here with light dinner, gift exchange & church for all of us.
I guess I wont have to plan them into that mix this year. And no, not said from any space of being punitive or ugly, I wont be trying to include stepmom.
For one thing, the relationship just isnt there. Beyond that, honestly I doubt she'd be able to find her way to my house. Sure, if I cared enough to do so, it's a task that could be volun-forced <a family term we use to refer to when one is asked to see to a task they maybe are more to the point, being told to do, but it's being asked, to be polite> so yes I could, if I cared to, volun-force that on one of the daughters or DH "plz go get stepmom & bring her here to join us"
Simply put, I dont care enough to make that happen.
Our Thanksgiving was relatively subdued (said tongue in cheek, when you have 2 three yo's, there's no one that would define the setting as subdued).
Had DD & fam. YD was with her future in laws out of town.
OD as is usual for her, not around. Lives local but doesn't come around much.
So all in all, was pretty uneventful.
A situation that has come up, will start a new post. Just to get some takes on it all from you folks.
So, ... as I had noted here .. when my dad died, .. there was an "investment" account ..
Dad had told me, .. as he mentioned thru the last couple of years of his struggles at the end of life, .. that this "investment" account had been set aside, as a pay upon death .. or transfer upon death, to myself and my brother, his only two offspring.
This was transferred to both my brother and myself, .. and amounts to about $30k some off thousand each .. in investment account.
Also bears mentioning, FWIW .. my dad's trepidation .. thru those last couple of years .. at the fact, he'd been unable to get his wife to any table for wills/estate planning, etc, .. and it angered/frustrated him .. so he said anyway in talking with me.
I have no idea what my dad and his wife's worth was/is. Wasn't anything ever shared with me. I do know that at one time, as dad talked of these things .. he'd said that their worth, on paper at least, is in the neighborhood of 1 million. Between the paid off home, and the investments.
It angered him (so he said more than once), that he'd been unable to get his wife to any table to discuss wills/estate planning, .. ergo . .cutting off his offspring from any ability to inherit (?) I guess what is their worth .. or what's left of it one day.
So, . fast forward, him now gone. And that investment account gets handed down .. to my brother and myself. Fine and good.
BUT ......................
My brother (who those, . who have followed along in all this, .. know/realize, .. there is no love lost between him and stepmom), .. my brother approached me. Maybe about a week or two after the above, and the following was kinda the synopsis of his approach in talking to me:
Brother: Ya know, I don't know how you feel about it Dorker .. but .. it's not fair .. you do realize .. that if stepmom died today .. her daughter will inherit what's left of that estate as her heir, and that's not fair ... why does she get to have it all ... ??....
Me: Well, . as I've shared w/you before .. ya know, .. dad beefed a lot about the fact he'd been unable to get her to any table to talk about wills, etc .. so .. for whatever the reasons .. ya know, he wasn't always sick and ailing ... he could have seen to it, .. he could have seen to it on his own, outside her willingness, and didn't do so .. and I guess in the end ... he thought it fitting to do what he did . with regard to that investment account. We don't know the skeletons in their closets over there, .. we don't know the where's and why's of it all, .. so .. I guess my thinking is .. that's what he saw fit to see to . and so be it. I guess.
Brother: Well, I've been in touch with an atty down here, and in FL .. it's the law .. one doesn't get to horde all their marital assets to hand down to their own heirs and exclude the others .. it's FL law, it doesn't work that way ... so I'm thinking about proceeding to bring suit .. and see what can be done, wanted to know if you wanna join
Me: I dunno .. let me talk it over with DH . let me pray about it, let me give it some thought.
In the end, .. my answer to him was along the lines of "Ya know, we don't know what assets will be needed on her behalf as she proceeds thru the rest of her days .. she'll more than likely need MC and that's gonna be costly .. and so .. I guess there has to be allowance for that, I don't know how all that gets laid out ... not my biz .. and I guess in the end .. dad had opportunity to see to it that get done . and assets divided equally . he didn't do so .. and so .. I guess .. I don't feel right about pursuing that which . I guess I can only surmise .. he didn't see fit to see to, so I won't be bothering with it.
That about sums up the conversation
that about sums up the conversation between my brother and myself. Whether he forged ahead, wasn't known to me. We don't talk all that often.
So .. fast forward til about a week or so ago. I happened to reach out to stepsister when her mom called me out of the blue. Her mom doesn't call me, nor do I call her.
She'd called me one morning .. completely unexpected and wanted to know something about the death certs I'd left there.
(I hadn't been there, or left death certs there. I haven't been to their home since before my dad died, much less having been there just that morning to leave death certs).
She called me to ask something about the death certs I'd left there earlier that morning when I came by (uhm . no .. I haven't been there) .. and she then went on talking, (crying .. the loss of my dad to her, .. is still gut wrenchingly heart ripping sad) ..
Talked with her a few mins .. and obvious her bubble was way off the line. I then reached out to alert her daughter .. "may wanna touch base with your mom, she called me this morning and apparent she's kinda off the rails mentally".
I didn't hear back from stepsister for several hours. When I did . .the return text was about like this:
"I talked to mother, she seems better now .. maybe this morning was bad for her, she is really suffering some sadness at the loss of your dad .. .terribly hard for her. But she seems better now. Oh btw, I did find that Credit Union account you had mentioned .. and it was only $1k . and the pay upon death was mom, not you guys .. so I'll pass that along to your brother's atty".
((My dad .. having mentioned the investment account(s) for me and my brother, also mentioned a small CU account that he has designated pay upon death as my brother and myself. That, . that specific account, didn't seem to be able to be located in those initial days))
Apparent .. I guess, . it was found, in the end, but the pay upon death is her mom, not my brother and myself. Okay so be it.
But her words, .. "I'll pass that along to the atty, I don't know why he has an atty .. I guess he thinks he can't trust me".
Those were her words.
**I didn't know, til she said that, .. obvious, I guess my brother did forge ahead w/acquiring an atty**
So, .. anyway .. just wondered what the take is here .. from others who have followed this sordid saga.
I was talking with DH about it, as I did when it was mentioned initially by my brother and DH did then ask if I was now considering trying to join that suit.
Honestly, I have no clear answer. I really do not.
On the one hand ... I very much am mentally in the camp of .. dad wasn't always sick . he could've seen to it, things were divided as he wished (or said he did, when he expressed much chagrin over it all) .. he didn't do so. So who am I to go and try to get my $ grubbing hands on something that wasn't mine to begin with .. nor was it set up for me to get my hands on, when he was alive/vital and able to see to it.
It's a conflicting tale in my own mind, really.
But then on the other hand .. my brother is right. Were stepmom to drop dead today ... that estate .. I guess .. absent any will .. would go to probate and then to her daughter. How is that fair?
My dad .. didn't come from money .. (full disclosure) .. his wife did. So maybe she brought the $ to the relationship . thus his want that it be divided and given to his kids .. was barking up a tree with no roots ... I really do not know.
I dunno.
That argument was made . in talking with my brother .. "ya know .. we know dad was a hick from the hills .. with a good education to make something of himself .. but she . his wife .. came from old money . .maybe that wealth they built . it was . her money .. and .. so . he knew deep down he had no claim to any of it, ... "
That argument was made.
To my brother's . "Well accdg to the atty .. in the state of FL . marital assets .. are marital assets .. and so ..
and so she doesn't get to hoard it all for her heir . it doesn't work that way"
So in the end, . it's something that leaves conflict in my own mind . as to whether I'm being stupid to walk away from what is .. at least an attempt on my brother's part to stick his grubby paws into .. perhaps what is not intended for him .. or me ... or .. whether I should be pursuing it.
I really do not have any clear answers.
I guess this is one of those situations where nobody's going to be real ahppy with the outcome (except maybe Step-sis, IDK)...
One should NEVER expect an inheritance. IF there's money in a will for you, good for you.
My mother held 'the inheritance' over our heads all our lives. We KNEW there couldn't be much, dad worked hard, but engineers are notoriosuly bad at dealing with money and saving!) Also, he had to retire a good 15 years before he was ready. The money he spent on OB's constant issues drained them terribly.
I know the tiny amount I stand to inherit, if mother ever passes. Dh thinks I should give it to my YB for all his care--well, in truth, I did a ton for her and for dad. I wouldn't feel bad keeping it--and using it for a family vacation, but in reality I probably will gift it to YB.
My DH and his mom recently had a terrible falling out. She told him to go to H3ll and other things, too, too awful to write out. He said she was going to change her will and the $300K he stood to inherit, not going to happen. And he's the executor. It's going to sting to do all that work and just hand over an estate worth nearly a million bucks to his sister. We NEVER planned that we would inherit a thing. She blows hot and cold. Once she said if he'd divorce me, she'd reward him with a 'bigger inheritance'. Shoot, that hurt!
My point is, you just cannot 'plan' on inheriting anything. I know my BIL, who lives life on the edge of bankruptcy always, is PLANNING on getting a lot of $$ from her and his own mother.
Let your brother pursue this if he wants. Don't plan on getting a dime and you won't be disappointed when you don't.
it seems like you and your brother are due half of dad's estate if he left no will. I'm pretty sure your dad must have known this. Go for it, Dorker, as long as the attorney is taking this on contingency and not asking for payment upfront. Be aware of what the lawyer's cut will be.
Oh well ....
Few observations in it all.
Found it curious the stepsis statement, .. "oh I found the CU account in question . and the POD was mom not you guys, so that was passed along to her" (it was only $1k, if it's the CU account in question, or maybe there's another one out there somewhere that hasn't been accounted for, who can say). But her next statement, .. I'll pass that info along to his atty .. I don't know why he got an atty, I guess he thinks he can't trust me".
The last part.
I wanted to (but am staying out of it) .. "I guess he thinks he can' trust you ????".
We don't know you. Neither of us .. trust you ..???.... we don't even know you.
Whatever. The curious things people say and do.
And she can't be stupid enough that she thought the little small stipend dad had mentioned as being in an un named CU somewhere with my brother and I as POD .. was "the issue" and now that it's been found and accounted for, she'd pass that along to the atty my brother has brought into it all.
That CU account .. dad had mentioned to me ... (or some CU acct, who the heck knows) .. and that it was a small stipend .. and me and brother POD for it. It .. initially, seemed to be unknown and not accounted for. Stepsister, who is the ONLY one that was allowed access into their house and their file drawers, etc .. certainly not me .. and worse yet, my brother .. hadn't been able to locate any such thing, at least initially, and said so.
That alone, makes one scratch their head at ... the stupidity. "Ill pass that along to the atty your brother has".
Uhm . ookay . since I'm sure he was losing sleep over a small stipend of a CU acct somewhere, . I assure you .. but go ahead on with yourself, .. that was the least of his concerns.
It's just all very interesting, thinking out loud. My brother and his BB wife .. at one time, . when dad was alive, ailing and not well mind you ... both of them .. fully aware that I was spending far more time with ailing/sickly dad than were they. Them asking of me, . .what do I know of what has been said/done as to wills/estates, etc.
Shared with them, what has been shared here in this forum .. the knowledge I had on that topic, which wasn't much.
Of course, they knew enough . being around the little they were around, that stepmom is a 4 cylinder car functioning on 1 cylinder at this point . he brain is mush. Both of them questioning why doesn't her daughter get her into a setting for care, . why .. why why .. is she leaving her mom in that home, to possibly with her mush for brains .. burn the house down with her in it .. or get in some horrendous car accident .. whatever might befall someone with dementia.
I shared with them . the limited knowledge I had on that issue also, having asked that of stepsister. He stance was one of .. (and it is true) .. Dementia folks, .. at least for the first part, . do a whole lot better in familiar surroundings. If you want to really upend their mental functionality . uproot them . put them in an unfamiliar setting and people they don't know. That'd do it. So her stance is one of .. she'll leave her mom there in her home .. along with .. she is powerless to do otherwise .. her mom won't leave that home willingly .. not without dynamite to blow her outta there . and she knows it, . and so does anyone else who has dealt w/any level of an aging parent completely dug in.
Shared that with brother and BB wife.
To their response .. along the lines of .. "nah she's hedging her bets .. that's what she's doing . she knows dam well her mom is gonna spend a LOT of whatever their estate is . if she has to have around the clock care, or go to a setting
or go to a setting for her care. She's hedging her bets .. to be in line to collect when her mom dies .. there's no will that anyone knows of .. dam sure not one that includes dad's offspring .. nope . she's waiting in the wings to cash in".
To my response (at that time, I was mired in the help . the little help I was able/willing to step up to) ... "oh well .. not a thing I can do about it either way, not gonna worry about it".
Fast forward to now .. it has only been a couple of months since my dad died. And my brother has an atty on it.
And just of interest also .. was talking to my mom some on it .. (who is happy as can be .. with her life .. and healthy .. has no real assets to leave and has been up front about that with all) ... and so talking with her some on it all.
Mom: Well ya know, you'll have to let your conscience be your guide as to whether you try to force that issue . you know . with my siblings when our mother died and she left that house . .the one brother bought it . and basically screwed the rest of us by being sure it got a really lousy appraisal .. screwed all the rest of us by a few thousand or so .. but oh well, at the time I figured . ya know if he can live with it, I'll live without it".
Me talking to mom: "Yea and in your case, you and all the siblings were close, and of course, there was the want to keep the relationships in tact . to some degree at least .. so there was that. In our case, there is zero relationship with stepmom or her daughter, never has been .. so .. any "want" to look at things from a prism . that these are relationships that will ultimately be damaged in going forth . not really a consideration".
I dunno . just some mundane thinking out loud on it all.
I really do examine what should be my path in it all, if any. I truly do.
I can honestly say that if my dad hadn't had a dime to his name, I'd of done what I did to help him .. which was with limits, as I didn't want a lot of exposure having walked that path with MIL prior .. that and dealing with his wife was an impossible situation. So while I helped it wasn't a lot. But .. I didn't do a single thing I did with a cash register in mind at the end. I'd of done what my limited participation was, irregardless.
I certainly did it for MIL (until it became untenable) ... and she had no cash register at the end of the rainbow and that was known.
It's a .. oh it's hard to articulate. Really hard to put into words for me. It's a situation that ... ya know I never want to be someone who acts with malice .. and bad intent. It's not who I am, never have been.
But there does come into play .. a mindset on my part, of *hey wait a second here .. ya know .. my dad's wife .. she was never a buddy of mine .. nor really any kind of endearing stepmom that fostered any kind of warm bond . never was ... as a kid I put up with it, had no choice in the matter. Got to be an adult, and I tolerated her, simply out of respect for her role . she's my dad's wife .. and so . respected that role. But there was no bond there .. never was. So now . he dies .. and whatever assets he accrued, if any, in his life, .. now goes to her, as it should be, she's his wife. But when she dies .. it then goes to her daughter .. wait a dam second here ... that isn't right .. that is simply not right".
Then your brain begins to play the .. "Well you don't know the skeletons in the closet over there .. you do know she's the one that brought $ to the table, . her family had $. He certainly did not ... he was a hick from the hills, who married well, and got a good education that afforded him a comfortable living .. you don't know what their wealth was, or who amassed it . you don't know ... what skeletons are in their closets that we don't know about"
Then you go back to .. "Well .. too dam bad . skeletons need to be revealed, she doesn't get to do that".
Back and forth it all goes.
I am in a second marriage . We each have kids. My kids are protected by the fact that my brokerage and retirement accounts are all POD to my kids.
Our money is entirely separate; what we each have is in our own names.
Has step-sister opened probate and been appointed executrix of your father's estate?
I did reach out to my brother today. Basically .... so, you did go with an atty in the end, .. what's the process .. how is that progressing?
He says the first step .. the atty did some investigating, ... and the house for one thing .. it is deeded (not unexpected) to he and her, . .she .. as his surviving spouse, .. of course, absent any Will designating otherwise, becomes her's .. and she can dispense with it at her whim. Fighting that .. would be futile.
I guess, thorough other investigation as to whether there is any other real property . none found.
I guess .. the investment accts ... were jointly owned (other than what my dad set aside, designating my brother and myself on separate accts thereof as transfer upon death) .. and so those too, also go to her, rightfully so.
The bottom line, . absent any Will that was done .. that designates somehow that any remainder of assets ... would go to my brother and myself upon her demise (and his of course) .. nothing can be done.
Do I have any expectation that stepmom .. will somehow in her clouded brain .. come to her senses that somehow that s/be done, a Will, and designate my brother and myself as heirs in any way/shape. Nope, none. No expectation that will happen.
Do I have any expectation that stepsister might encourage her mom to follow that path .. and see to those issues. Not a single bit of expectation no.
So be it.
Bottom line .. dad, for whatever his reasons .. "controlled" to some degree by a wife ... maybe .. who knows ... the fact she brought the "old" money to the marriage and so it's her's ... who knows .. who can say. He failed to see to such.
He did .. at least designate those small investment accts .. as set asides, .. and directed them appropriately to go to my brother and myself. And truthfully, he didn't even have to do that.
So be it.
Midkid: " We KNEW there couldn't be much, dad worked hard, but engineers are notoriously bad at dealing with money and saving!" Not here. H is an engineer, and he's very good with those things.
Dorker, I didn't agree with your depiction of your brother being "money grubbing" because he got an attorney to look into your father's assets. I would have done the same thing.
I'm glad you both got $30somethingK each. He owed you and your brother a LOT more after the way you were treated by him over the years.
And yes, .. interesting to me that brother is really enamored and shot in the foot in a big way that dad was able to squirrel away and designate specifically, purposefully ... those couple of investment accts .. and assign them accordingly to him and to me.
As my brother and I both agreed, .. can't miss something you never had. Fair? No, ... but fair went out in first grade. So ... over it.
My own dad was an engineer, my DH is one, 3 of my kids are.
What I MEANT was: they don't (in MY EXPERIENCE) seem to care how much money they MAKE--it's all about the job. Neither my dad nor my hubby ever asked for a raise, ever. That's just them.
I really touched a nerve there, truly sorry.
Back to Dorker's life!
A strange/sad one I am sure after this year.
Your comment "Oh well". This has become my catch-phrase recently. It is a useful piece of genius to acknowledge some issue or other without taking it on!
I have Oh well (my problem but I choose to let it go) &
Oh well (that's someone else's problem avoid avoid avoid).
Please update us.