I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
exiting her out of the room to home ... as she then went bedside of dad who is gasping for air . in and out of any real lucidity at that point and expectation on her part that he will answer for himself as to why he would do such a thing. Fortunately her daughter had seen enough of her mom's circus and escorted her out . and to home. Thankfully.
Terribly taxing all this stuff . made worse by having someone in the mix of it with a broken brain and that someone .. a person who ostensibly should have some sayso in it all.
Just many . infuriating moments. Later when he was in Hospice . and laying there . not with us at all anymore .. in another realm . mouth gaped open . on his back . no longer responsive. And her telling the hospice chaplain who popped by for a visit .. "this all happened so fast .. I mean . he was going to get better and come home, .. I pray that he gets better and can come home".
Chaplain turning to me, to ask how I'm faring with it all. I responded that I'm at peace . seeing that he is comfortable at this point, . after all the torment he has endured . it comforts me to know he's at peace (pointing at him laying beside me . . no longer responsive). To her then interjecting . "I don't know you're praying for him to die, I'm praying for him to get better".
At that moment I wished so badly there was a way to telegraph to this chaplain .. the woman is banana sandwiches .. I hope you can see that . and it's not me that somehow wishes death upon her poor sweet husband .. she's nutz. But of course, no way to do that .. not and just blurt it out right in front of her.
Her telling me he'd been talking to her just an hour before I got there. Yea right. I'd been there the day before and he was not responsive at all, to anyone/anything . right.
Having to bite one's tongue and just respond with "oh how nice" to then it begs for her to respond "maybe he'll talk to you too .. I thought he'd perk up some when he heard that you were coming", to my having to pretend .. cuz that's where her brain is .. "yea maybe" I respond. When I wanted to say (and ultimately I did .. lacking any more patience with her) .. I wanted to say to her, "HE IS DYING HE IS NOT COMING HOME, and he hasn't been talking to you, you delusional nut case"
Her then departing to go grab a bite to eat downstairs and the repetition of her hoping he perks up and talks to me .. that she's sure he will . he always got so excited when he knew you were coming . I'm sure he'll perk up and talk to you. She must've said that at least a dozen times before departing to go grab a bite to eat downstairs.
Then when she returned .. breathless and out of air . because she'd wandered around lost ...
Asking me, ... "did he talk to you? Did he perk up and talk to you?". My answer, .. "No .. he hasn't talked to me since he got here the other night .. he is not responsive any more, he's dying" and her shsh'ing me .. "He'll hear you".
Me: "I have talked to him and told him it's okay to go and you need to do the same .. told him that Jesus awaits him . .and a restored body and not the sick one that is housing him .. that it's okay and you need to do that too ... let him go, he is dying and he knows it".
Her shsh'ing me.
I had to leave . not in a huff .. and no point in trying to reason with her . .shes' not gonna get it .. no matter what's said to her.
To the point that she then caused all kinds of upheaval in the staff there on site overnight .. and .. shsh'ing them ... when a nurse there even pulled back the covers to show her dad's badly mottling feet that he is dying . this is the dying process .. and her shsh'ing the nurse. The nurse then calling me at 6 AM . that someone has to come get her . and she can no longer be here unattended.
Fortunately dad did pass away later that morning and so there were no further showdowns as to her presence there on site.
So while I wasn't doing any heavy lifting that
Please give yourself time and space to rest. If this wasn't "heavy lifting" then I don't know what is.
that would find me now exhausted. I guess we all under estimate the toll emotional exhaustion can take.
There's to be no funeral . no memorial svc .. dad's wishes. So that's that.
Stepmom called me all in a snit . a time or three before I called her back . which I guess some might find appalling . the woman is grieving the loss of her husband and you're ducking her phone calls. You monster!
She called me 3 x's .. and left a VM .. asking for return phone call, and sounding all frantic .. but I didn't return her phone call right away . figuring she has her own support structure in her daughter and her sisters . or doesn't ... don't' really know . but I can't be that for her . so I ducked her calls.
When I did finally call her back . the anxiety was that she was worried sick my brother or myself would kick up a storm that there is to be no memorial svc .. or funeral of any sort . that we would somehow be angry with her and cause upheaval ..
I assured her over and over (she doesn't remember what's said to her) .. all the while the frustration and futility of it all .. simmering in me .. of repeating myself .. to her broken brain .. "I know those were dad's wishes . he told me .. and I've told my brother . don't worry about that .. you have other worries, let that one be gone . no one is going to kick up a problem . we know those were his wishes and we're okay with it".
Having to repeat that over and over, and the frustration of knowing .. I could go paint it on a poster board .. and hang it on her kitchen sink where she'd see it every minute of every day and it wouldn't register. I d.o.n.t. have the patience to deal with her. I simply don't.
Haven't talked to her since. She was all to pieces and crying . it was hard for her to even talk, crying so hard. I do feel so sorry for her ... and it must be awfully hard to swallow this .. to her .. in her reality it was all so fast (it wasn't) .. to her . he was going to get well and come home (he wasn't) .. it must be awfully hard to absorb this blow and for that I do feel for her. I truly do. But .. I don't have the patience to sit and hold her hand and try (futily) to help her come to terms w/it
What a rocky journey it's been . and all to help someone who was yes biologically my dad . but not a huge part of my life really.
Glad it's behind me. Glad he's at peace now. Don't really concern myself as to what's to become of stepmom. I would be surprised if she doesn't follow before long . dying of a broken heart, literally.
As she told me thru tears .. and barely audible since she was crying so hard, . "I don't know why the good Lord saw fit to take him and not me with him . I don't know what I'll do now .. he was my reason for living". And with her, that is the absolute 100% truth.
So now all I know . there was no will . and yes he could've .. in his more lucid days seen to a will outside of her agreement. Chose not to do so . didn't wanna fight city hall I suppose.
It was said by him more than once that there is an investment account (mutual fund) .. that is his and his alone and that he can and did direct that it's to be made payable to my brother and myself upon his demise and he sent me the paperwork on it, back in 2016. And yes .. his mindset at that time was completely lucid and it was done from a standpoint of "so she can put that in her pipe and smoke it .. that is mine and mine alone . not in her name, .. so I have changed the paperwork on it .. and made certain you and your brother get that when I'm no longer here".
I have no idea of it's worth. Never asked. He wouldn't of answered anyway . so very private both of them.
All I know is that he did say to me at one point, before he got this sick .. that on paper . their worth is in the range of a million or so. Between the house and investments. I know their house ranges somewhere around $400k to $450k .. so that leaves investments
on paper anyway . of the range of $500k to $600k ...
I know that I put my brother on that .. all the while realizing we have no death certs at this point (yet to come) so ... no one is going to make any changes absent the certificates . of his death.
My brother did call the investment firm. There he learned that indeed there is one investment account noted as such . other investment accounts that direct to his wife. But one such account noted accordingly and not in her name and that one it was said will be xfer'd to my brother and myself once death certs are produced and both of us directed to open a brokerage account there (no fee for same) .. and once those death certs are produced . the account will be divided . between my brother and myself and then made available to each of us via the brokerage acct.
Have no idea of it's worth .. none. For all I know he had some $10k account that will be divided between my brother and myself and the remainder of what was .. my guess . investments totaling some $500k to $600k .. in amount . go to his wife ..
I really don't know.
And my standpoint in it all is and has been .. he didn't care to . .when he was able to do so . . stand and demand otherwise be seen to ... so be it.
Stepmom presently lives in (alone) that house .. worth in the neighborhood of $400k to $450k ....
I don't expect she'll be able to continue living there forever .. in fact, it wouldn't surprise me to hear that she too is gone (of a broken heart) before long. But if not .... I have no idea what her assets are and how a MC would be funded . but surely the sale of the home could help fund same. So .. in the end . if not .. I guess stepsister gets that house and it's value when/if that day arises .. and so be it ..
Dad had choices when he was alive and lucid and chose not to argue with the pope on it all. So it shall be.
We'll see.
You are amazing. Such aplomb. Such willingness to give grace to those who don't even know they need it.
I am so glad you were in charge. You knew just what to do, and you moved all the right pieces at the right time. You showed incredible restraint with your MIL and iron clad boundaries. I want to be you when I grow up.
Going back to your DH's advice about dealing with your step mother - perhaps you should let her daughter be the lead there. I'm thinking you are right about step mom blaming you at some point. I also think there's a big chance she's not going to remember that her husband has passed - it's been a while since he's been at home, so he *could* just be at the hospital still, in her broken mind.
Perhaps "thinking of you" cards would be better than sympathy cards, and if you talk to her, agree with what she says and don't rock the boat. Let her daughter do that if she feels that is appropriate. No reason to give step mom a reason to hate you.
Keep giving grace, whatever you do. Hug the babies. Hug your husband. And call your mom. We never know what tomorrow brings.
I really appreciate you sharing your life. <3
I hope you are starting to settle into your new reality. When my father died I found myself being very forgetful and spacey for the following months. I expect it will take you quite a while to be able to set down those balls you've been juggling for so long.
Thank-you for sharing your journey. I and many others have learned so much from it.
I actually picked up the phone to call my grandma, I was just about finished dialing the number when I realized she had died.
It’s a surreal feeling shortly after a death has occurred.
Thinking of you Dorker. I haven’t posted much on this site but I read it from time to time.
Take care.
When the NH did allow (despite Covid) those EOL visits, DH and myself did go .. and as part of our visits there, at least the 1st of 2 we got, (she wasn't any longer at all lucid at the 2nd visit we got), ... on the 1st of those 2 visits, we did video call, SIL .. and let her see/talk to, say g'bye to her mom . as well as her daughter, .. and also our daughters. But also did the same w/regard to estranged brother's two sons.
My youngest daughter asked of EB's youngest son that he let his dad know. He said he did so and the response from his dad was .. and I quote: "Send them my love". That's it.
No EB never called or otherwise reached out, not before MIL died to perhaps bid her g'bye .. or otherwise since, to even attempt any consolation with the siblings.
Will be interesting to see if he ever surfaces .. the rest of our lives.
Supposedly his beef was with his mom. She's gone now. So .... ???.... what'd we all do that you exit our lives also and forever?
His answer to that, at the time, "collateral damage .. to have anything to do with the rest of you is to have to do with her and I want nothing more to do with her".
And he has held to that now, all these years. She's gone now.
Do I suppose, my opinion, that he will ever surface ... ???.....
I really don't know. And my instantaneous reaction would be that it might not be well rec'd if he did so, .. since he essentially caused their mom all measure of heartache in her waning years in his action he took.
BUT ... I do know that SIL and DH both are forgiving sorts . and so .. while one might assume that him resurfacing would be met with contention, that may not be accurate. I really don't know.
In all those waning years that he exited the scene there have been many others .. (of that generation mostly) that have exited this life. The "unit" that used to exist as family .. all now .. a whole lot different looking ... and so .. I don't know, .. it's all different now, and whether he has any compunction or sorrow or whatever it might be that would prompt movement in him ... if any ... I just don't know.
But suffice it to say, he is still very much estranged.
SO MUCH of my existence ... all the way back to 2003 when father in law died, . and that left MIL a widow ... and she then went on to .. w/in a year, have a minor stroke. So much of my life was overtaken for many many years with her well being .. until I did back out of the hands on, .. a few years ago .... but that didn't mean that it wasn't an ever present talking point in my periphery .. daily .. far too much.
And then of course, a couple of years ago or so, .. then . it was my dad who clocked in with elderly/ailing issues, and so ... not hands on care, on his behalf, but definitely engaged .. as far as advocacy, for certain.
It's .. truly . it's a whole adrift sorta feeling. There is no back and forthing w/SIL as to "well what if that doc does this? What if the other doc does that? What should we asks them about "X" ... " on and on that went, ... and I'd heard about it, even after I exited the front line of dealing w/it all.
There is no ... "well dad, I'll put in a call to try to dial down on that issue ... see what the NP has to say" . or whatever the problem dujour was ...
None of that, in my periphery . it's all in my rearview mirror ... and thankful for it.
But now what?
So that, and also some grappling within my own self .. as to what approach going forward as to stepmom.
I haven't talked to her at all, .. since, . oh I guess it was a few days after dad died. She had called me, left 3 messages . and I finally called her back .. and at that time, she was all in an uproar and twist of emotions (understandable) .. basis of which ... she had it in her mind that my brother or myself would kick up a storm/drama . .as to their burial plans (his ashes are to go into her casket one day when she dies). I assured her repeatedly (she has dementia, one doesn't get it when first told, it has to be repeated numerous times). I assured her, there will be no pushback/drama . from our corner, their decisions . not ours.
That seemed to settle that kerfuffle.
I haven't talked to her since.
It's really kind of an internal struggle quagmire . to be honest. As to whether to .. extend any lifeline of communication at all, nominal that it would be .. if at all.
I just can't help ... (but don't wanna fall into a pot of self pity and woe with me, that was a long long time ago) ... she was not anyone that a relationship was ever built with .. even though she has been my stepmom for over 50 years.
There were no shopping trips, lunches out, . movies .. manicures . no social interaction at all with her.
In fact, ... in dad's waning years .. when I'd go visit him . at their house, . her distrust .. so pervasive .. she'd park herself right at his elbow . in spite of my encouraging her, .. I"m here now . if you need to run out to do anything, go have lunch with some friends, . whatever .. nope not doing it. She'd park herself right at his elbow and not budge. I guess, . she didn't trust dad . didn't trust me . who knows ...
I don't know what she thought . but I know the both of them were always so very private/secretive . always .. and that continued . maybe even getting worse in these last few years.
My view of the whole thing .. we (we being my brother and myself) . were the nuisance that came a part of being my dad's wife . from way back when. Of course, we grew up and became an enormously less part of her periphery.
I think she'd of been happy if both of us would've just somehow dropped off the face of the earth ..
And as to my thoughts on her, my view ... She was always given (at least by me) the deference and respect .. as her role .. dad's wife. So .. all that to say ... there is no bond there, . no relationship . never has been ... she has been part of any scene that included dad .. simply by virtue of here role as his wife and
and respect thereof for that role.
But now, . dad is gone ...
I feel absolutely zero compunction that I used to feel .. "oh gee, tgiving is coming, let me make sure they are accounted for, xmas is coming .. oh gee, father's day ." That sorta thing.
Absolutely zero interest on my part, and that's not likely to change . to see to her, as I did .. when dad was alive ... as I did when MIL was alive ... none.
In all honesty .. there is a part of me, that's quite okay with . the next thing I hear about that corner of the world .. maybe 10 years from now or whatever . is that she passed away . and that's that ...
I have zero interest in being any kind of "help" (she wouldn't stand for it if I did . she barely let me . and resented it .. be of any help to my dad).
But do I try to .. oh I dunno . throw a phone call out there periodically .. "oh hey how have you been?" ..
I don't know. Do I just ... disappear . and never reach out at all?
I don't know, it's a conundrum.
Very very true and pervasive through it all, .. at one time . .in the long distant past . it was my dad who should've worked harder to foster a relationship between his wife and his kids .. and for whatever his reasons he failed to do so ...
Very clear to me.
I don't know, it's an odd sorta thing to try to dial in on.
I'm not angry with her, . or with my dad. I guess long ago having learned the caste system through life with them ... and that there is such a thing as 2nd class citizens ... and so forth . and we were in that category ..
Long ago came to terms with it . and reconciliation to the fact . oh well, their loss . not mine ..
So there is no anger .. that's not it.
But it does leave kind of a gap of .. "so whatcha gonna do then . going forward ... gonna try to be at least someone that cks in with her on occasion . or just gonna disappear entirely . whatcha gonna do?"
Her daughter may or may not care to hear from you. I doubt it makes much difference to her to get an occasional text from you asking how her mother is. Maybe you can follow her lead, if she replies and seems to want to share info about her mother, then you continue keeping in touch, if she doesn't reply or replies coldly, then I don't see why you should bother.
So sorry you're feeling adrift. Hoping you will find your center and feel grounded again.
I am a good person, and at times, to a fault. And in so doing, .. I don't always understand/process/comprehend why the "right thing" to do .. isn't always the right thing to do.
On the surface, it would make sense . this is a stepmom to me for over 50 years ... and so the "right thing" seemingly would be to at least reach out periodically with a lifeline of some semblance of "how are you?", .. maybe an offer to go out to dinner, lunch, that sorta thing. That seems, the "right thing" to do.
It's a struggle, .. for those off us who always strive to do the "right thing", when one looks at it from the prism of .. maybe that "right thing" isn't the thing to do at all. Coming to terms with the intersection of how that all looks in practicality, doesn't always provide the clarity that should exist.
I know w/stepmom . when I last talked to her, .. that few days after dad died, . and her objective at that point in talking to me, was more an attempt on her part for assurance my brother nor myself were standing in waiting to kick up a bunch of drama over what is their plan for their remains upon their respective deaths.
Assuring her (repeatedly) there would be no drama to come from our corner. Once that issue got put to bed, . .it seemed incumbent on her, to relate to me from the respect that she supposes that her daughter will one day notify us that she is gone .. or not . she doesn't really know.
I don't know what others infer in that, but my perception was one of .. "hmm .. sounds like she doesn't intend to hear from our corner".
I had even .. half heartedly mentioned to her that I'd get DH over to her world at some point to rehang that door he'd removed for her .. (to their master bath) .. and she was absolutely 1000% insistent that isn't necessary. Always cloaking things in "I don't want to bother you with that .. now I'll get that handled". Noble, right?
I think in her case .. she will walk over hot coals of broken glass before she'd do anything or allow us to do anything that in her view might leave her somehow beholden to us. So she might "cloak" it in not wanting to "bother us". But what underlies it isn't nearly as noble.
Her remarks that she supposes one day when she's gone .. that her daughter will notify us .. or not. One can't take that as a dagger to the heart, . or any other such thing .. she isn't in her right mind .. so . what she says ... kinda have to . take it with a grain of salt.
So I didn't let that .. ."well that settles it then, she doesn't wanna hear from us". Precisely because of her broken brain.
But I do reflect back on (and yes broken brain plays in it all) . the times when dad might would call me ... and summon me to the scene of let's say an upcoming doc appt where he maybe wanted my input, my ears .. etc .. and the pushback that would be ongoing in his periphery .. from his wife. I don't know, I'd be on the phone, so precisely what scuff she was putting forth in his ear at the time, .. I wasn't able to hear.
I would only hear him blow the h377 up at her, .. "G'dit ... I am calling my DAUGHTER to ask her to help me, will you shut the H377 up!".
That kinda thing went on more times than I can count .. coupled with my presence there on site (summoned by my dad to be there) and her snide remarks .... "For the life of me, I don't know why your dad bugs you to come over here (or meet at the doc or whatever it is) .. I can handle this, he really shouldn't bother you with all this".
See how it's cloaked in . "we don't want to bother you" .. but it was obviously .. more sinister than just the noble wish that we not be bothered/troubled with their issues.
I think about the middle of the night visit to the ER .. (dad had surmised he may be impacted/constipated) was in a lot of pain .. and rescue summoned. He called me, asked me to meet them there at the
hospital. I did so.
At that setting . he got obsessively worried that somehow his walker had made the trip in the rescue van . but hadn't left that van and joined him in the ER, . where was his walker. Stepmom also sure . that thing must've been left on that rescue vehicle ... both of them obsessively worried as to the whereabouts of his walker.
My assurances that more than likely it didn't get brought onto that rescue van . and was probably at their home . did no good.
I then offered that I'd go drive to their home .. (it's like 2 in the AM at this point in time) and make sure the thing is there at their home, otherwise, I'd hunt it down thru the rescue system).
You would have thought by her pushback in that setting that I had looked for the opportune time .. "ahh they're both gone now from the home, . let me go there and pilfer and rob them both blind".
To the point that my dad yelled at her, there in the ER .. "G'dit K give her the effing keys to the house ... give them to her!!"
Her pushing back ... not wanting to "trouble/bother me".
((She did . give me her house keys, the walker was found to be at their residence)). But not until all the above drama.
There are way way too many examples of her pushing back and wanting me ... to just fall off the face of the earth . and not be a part of their existence .. all the while, ... my poor dad (who made his own bed here in all this, for certain) .. summoning me into it, as the only person with a few brain cells to string together to help him . all the while dealing with her b'squeeze in it all, pushing me away.
It's a lot of self talk/therapy at this point, to come to terms with .. the intersection of what "should be" .. isn't always what has to be.
I mean .. in these latter years . the woman's brain is broken .. that's for certain . and mistrust/distrust is a marker of that dementia piece in it all.
But her brain wasn't always broken. What did she do in those days to foster/build any relationship with her husband's daughter (& son).
Not a thing, ever.
What did she do in the years that her brain wasn't broken . to try to ingratiate herself into our lives and become a part of the fold of our lives. Not a thing, ever.
It's a bit of a bitter pill to swallow because on the surface one looks at things from a surface level of .. well gee . what'd you do there Dorker, . that caused this person to distrust/not like you.
The honest answer to that .. not a thing, ever. I just existed. Period. Her problem, not mine.
There isn't a soul on the face of the planet that I dislike ... mistrust .. unless there is sound reason for it. In this case, there isn't.
The "right thing" on the surface of it all, would be to reach out in some fashion/form . to be that lifeline of just checking in periodically .. or an offer to go out to dinner .. or just a visit. That would be the "right thing" .. in almost anyone's view.
But sometime the "right thing" to do .. one has to look a little under the surface .. to see that it isn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do . may just be to fall off the edge of the earth where she always wanted us.
So odd, all of it.
There is a stepsister in all this and I know her, and she me, about as much as I know the cashier at the grocery store.
So odd.
Stepsister has kids my kids ages. Would you have seen us years ago when they were all little, play grouping . maybe meet at the park with our kids, . have a picnic. Nope, not once.
Stepsister lives about 3 or 4 hours away but has a beach house here .. about 45 mins/1 hour away and frequents that home pretty regularly. Have we ever once, been invited to lunch there, . or a "come enjoy my place for the day". Nope, not once.
Stepsister called me the other day .. in need of the death certs for my dad (I'm the one that handled all that). I asked her, . "okay so you're coming into town, want me to bring them to you at your mom's?".
Answer: Oh no no .. no .. first . it'll be too upsetting to her . she'll think she's supposed to do something with them and get all in a lather over that, and she'll probably misplace them . but no .. I told her I'm the one that handled it all, .. she'd of come undone if she knew you were doing it".
Yep.
So I met her in a parking lot of a neutral location to hand them over to her (she's helping her mom settle some financial things).
We chit chatted a few moments about her adorable dog that was in her car with her, goes everywhere with her . and then when finished her words: "Okay well if I don't see you again, . at least we'll keep up on FB and see each other there".
Yep.
Such an odd odd family.
I mean .. reflecting back on the time .. I have found it so odd that stepmom's sisters .. not once . that I'm aware of .. even called my ailing dad throughout his hospital and rehab stays in these last several months. I would even ask him periodically "so what do ya hear from J or from B ... they call you and see how you're doing" and he'd answer as to what he hears of J and of B's doings and comings and goings . but no .. not that they called him.
Neither of the sisters called me or my brother to extend any condolences .. or any card or anything.
Weird/strange people.
I mean . at one time this woman married my dad .. him the dad of two small kids .. and one would've thought .. or I guess it should be that way . that the work begins to "blend" a family . or semblance thereof.
Maybe these women now become some semblance of aunts to us.
Nope.
Weird people.
For whatever reason, you and your brother have ALWAYS been a trigger for stepmom. The reasons are, I'm sure, complex, and aside from your brother's addiction issues earlier in his life, had less to do with you all and everything to do with her own personality--her lack of ability to trust and to form good, non-symbiotic relationships.
Since you clearly trigger her, it might be kindest to step back. Send an occasional greeting card--"thinking of you" and so forth. Leave the door open but tread carefully.
Find some happy elder near you who you can do some favors for, like shopping once a month, if you feel the need to be helpful. Tend your own family and care for yourself and DH after your double whammy losses this year.
((((Hugs)))))
Mine will be more blunt. I would have gone no contact with your father and her a long time ago, the way you were neglected.
She doesn't like you -- never has, never will.
Make the old woman happy and stay out of her life. (And why on earth would you get H over there to be her handyman???)
Any word on when you and your brother will get the accounts he left for the two of you? I hope you get a lot of money, because, quite frankly, he owed you an awful lot for the way he treated you! Money isn't love, of course, but money never hurts!
So interesting to me, that all of this has dug up long ago let go feelings of how it felt to be the 2nd class citizen or in our case, maybe 4th of 5th class citizens.
It really has trudged up some of that old hurt, from eons ago. And as DH put it, .. "your dad was a POS for having you and you brother having to live that".
His last couple of years .. in all his ailments and maladies put me front and center to it all, ... an enormous amount more than had been the case for the several decades prior.
Overwhelmingly, ... I know, being front and center to it all, .. he couldn't of been a happy person. For whatever the basis of it all, his "choice" of who to marry eons ago .. and how she treated his kids .... for whatever the reasons .. maybe at one point they were happy. But he paid dearly for his choices. He didn't die a happy person. He didn't leave this world as someone content with the choices he made for his life.
The two of them a.l.w.a.y.s at each other's throats, my observation over these last couple of years. A.l.w.a.y.s.
As for me, .. I REFUSE to live in that space of the why's and the hurt from eons gone by. I know .. the child version of me was intuitive enough to know, this is wrong and I won't do it, when I'm grown, and I didn't. And on that stance, .. I will not live in that space.
It helps me with any resolve, .... as to sorting thru .. to "whatcha gonna do Dorker, .. gonna reach out to her occasionally?". Helps me with the determination that she never wanted me or my brother as part of the fold there, . has clearly telegraphed that. So give her what she wants, back out.
Not to mention ... I don't need/want the hassle.
Very interesting that even her bio daughter expresses the fact she cannot spend much time around her mom .. lest she too lose her chit .. expressing that when she does come into town, she hightails it to her beach house, as quickly as she can, opting not to stay with her mom.
Sounds to me . a little like her mom has built somewhat of a life for herself destined for some serious loneliness. Not my problem however, and no intention to make it so.
As to why I'd of been volunteering DH for handyman svcs. He had, at my request, .. gone to their house, at one point when we thought it might be possible dad return to the home .. round the clock care on hand (which I was sure would end in disaster, but . always .. that person's choice, wreckless though it may be) .. I had sent DH to their home at one point, tape measure in hand, . wheelchair on hand, . make sure that wheelchair will go thru doorways there .. make sure it's turn radius will work within the exit from the den to their bedroom .. so forth .. and make sure it'll go in and out of their bathroom.
DH had done so, .. in so doing, he found that wheelchair would've been suitable in most settings there . however, the one problem area was the entry to their master bath . the door to that master bath . would've prohibited the entry in a wheelchair. DH asked of stepmom at that time .. "I can take the door off if you want ... ", she agreed. So .. as we know, dad never did get well enough to return to the home and wheelchair bound. But that door had been removed in anticipation of that event. Thus, . my offer to stepmom .. "when DH is in the area, I'll have him stop over to put that door back on it's hinge" and her .. adamant refusal that isn't necessary . she'll get it taken care of.
And yes, the matters have been handled as to the $''s left to my brother and myself. A few tens of thousands in a brokerage acct, for each of us.
Grateful . yes. But that too, begs the question .. "hmm . ok, well there is a house there, worth in the neighborhood of $400k to $450K .... at today's market. I guess since he was never able/willing, who knows, to get her to
never able to get her to the table for discussion on estate planning/wills, etc ... One day . .. she too will be gone, and I guess her daughter then stands in line to collect on that paid off house .. while yes, the 3rd,. 4th, 5th class citizens ... got bequeathed a few tens of thousands and she will stand to inherit .. several hundred thousands.
Such is life as 3rd, 4th, 5th class citizenry? I guess.
(One never knows, . as to the future ... she will, if she lives long enough, . need MC . for certain. I don't know the value of all their investments. I know my dad *told me* at one time, it was in the hundreds of thousands, that's what he *told me*, but never dialed in on precise amounts. They were always so so private and secretive and in the end, .. if he doesn't volunteer that info, . it's nobody's biz. But ... she will need a setting .. if she lives long enough, institutional setting ... and so what will she blow thru of their assets they accumulated. Likely, a lot. So .. how much of those assets will remain for stepsister to collect in the end. Nobody knows).
But again .. though on the surface, it does anger one . ."hey wait a second .. so me and my brother end up with a brokerage acct, . worth in the neighborhood of a few tens of thousands each ... and she gets to inherit hundreds of thousands .. wait a second . WTH?!?!?".
Again ... as DH puts it, "your dad was a POS for how he allowed that you and your brother be treated".
Have to default to that. He had the choice, . he could have .. accdg to FL law . he could have .. had his will/estate set up such that .. he bequeaths whatever of his assets .. marital .. divided assets (and yes, . I did talk with the atty group when doing the POA about this whole quagmire . and yes, it is an option in the state of FL) ... he could have . maybe he didn't know that .. but I never considered him to be a stupid person . he could've done the simple digging I did .. talk to an atty .. "hey let's say my wife . my kids stepmother . refuses to go to the table to talk of estates/wills, what are my options". He'd of been told, as I was when I asked that of the atty group . that he can ... set aside his wishes in his own will.
For whatever his reasons he chose not to fall on that sword.
I know that my brother .... so disturbed over the above premise, he ck'd with an atty group in his area . and found there is statute for taking the step parent to court .. to fight for half of the estate .. after the death of the bio parent and has entertained the notion of doing so, asked me if I'd be interested to join that. I declined to do so. Brother hasn't mentioned it any further, don't know if he too decided against it, or is still mulling it over.
As I told him in declining any such venture: "We don't know the skeletons in the closets over there. They were always so so private and secretive .. and for whatever dad's reasoning .. I mean he told me . at one point . that between their investments and their real estate .. the worth is about a million .. give or take ... and yet of that, .. we end up with a paltry slice of it all, ... but .... we don't know what the future holds for her and the care needs she'll face, . and expense thereof .... nobody does. But not only that ... we don't know the skeletons in the closets their world. I mean we know she came from old money .. maybe she brought the $ to the table in their world ... maybe it was her and her old money .. from her family that helped to build their wealth .. we don't know ... we don't have those answers, .. and dad had choices ... if he didn't see fit to slice things as evenly as possible, when he was of sound mind to do so .... then .... so be it, I suppose".
Yet one more slice of why I can't live in the space of what it is to be treated "less than". I won't live there. What brother decides to do, I don't know.
Really, as you state, just not worth it.
Realizing that you are just not a part of SM's mental processes is a step in the right direction. I, too, know what it feels like to be a 3rd, 4th, 5th class citizen. No matter how 'ok' you think you are about it, for a length of time, it hurts badly to think that a supposed LO would cut you down after they've died. My mother actually has a 'bill' for me, to pay the trust before I can inherit my $9800. Brother, with whom she has LIVED for 22+ years has a bill for $6000. He doesn't know about it and I am not telling him.
Finding that out, man, I lost it. The 2 kids who were ALWAYS there and taking the brunt of CG get BILLED for something--I don't know what. I did bother to ask my son (attorney) and he called that a 'posthumous FU'---something people do to have the last word. Said it was mean spirited but to try to let it go. It isn't legal--but it still hurts.
I'm glad for you that you had those last months with your dad. Yes, he was a pain to deal with, but you can be at peace knowing you really helped him a lot. In the end, we can't take anything with us, but our actions and behaviors.
You have a lot to be proud of. You were a stand up person the whole way.
I am sorry that you are only getting $10,000 - $30,000 from your father. But that is something!
So even though you knew your father couldn't be cared for at home, you still went ahead and scoped out his house for its suitability for that situation? WHY????
Of course the old hurts from the past are going to bubble up now that your father is gone. That's what we do in grief -- we try to make sense of the totality of the relationship with the person who is now gone. You were cheated by him -- we know it and you know it. And more than one of us has suggested that your attention to him in his final years was perhaps an attempt to finally win the love from him that he'd never shown in all of his earlier years as your father.
I'm glad you seem to be coming to a place where you will let your stepmother be. Really, what would you really be proving to yourself or to anyone if you tried to maintain contact with her? And, remember -- she doesn't want to see you or receive any help from you. Make the old woman happy. Stay out of her life.
Cards are one-sided communication. You've done your bit, been polite.
Stepsis basically gave permission to let go. Said see you on fb. So that's the contact she is expecting/happy with. A distant look, one sided interest when she wants, not really connected.
Send cards & be at peace. Leave the ball in their court. They know where to find you.
Those of you who get to live in locations where the Fall season is so stunningly beautiful are fortunate to get to enjoy it.
I live in FL and we get maybe a minute, long about January .. that the weather turns a bit chilly and the leaves maybe turn colors, and then it's over, and it's cold, ... for maybe a week or two. Then it's hot again.
Exaggeration, but ... not by much.
I still haven't reached out in any way to step mother and likely won't. Maybe as mentioned .. drop a card periodically, but other than that, ... will just be history.
It's a bit of a .. oh I dunno ... I mean .. if I have ever left someone in my past as history .. and/or more to the point, them leaving me in the past/history .. it's generally because there has been some good reason .. contention of some sort.
Not so here. I can honestly say I didn't do a thing to the woman. Other than just exist.
So be it. Her problem, not mine.
She's a typical step mother that hates the step children and wants them to disappear. That's why we have children stories like Hansel and Gretel, Cinderella, and Snow White, etc., granted she wasn't as evil but just as selfish.
hahaha, you’re so bad! I love all of those children’s fairytales.