I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Wish I could post here the litany of things daughter did while here on this visit (it's that way every time she visits). It's too much to list. Suffice it to say, she does everything and then some (we should all have someone like her at our disposal), everything one can think of ... and beyond ...
So I do get it that her hyper-vigilance ... it can be problematic to deal with. I do understand that.
But what, I suppose, has me so on edge ..
This is all so true, .. as we were leaving to take her daughter to the airport yesterday, she must've told her mother (we're all aware that I, the only person that mother in law truly can depend on .. by her own fault .... as to any help .. will be spoken for as to my focus in the next coming weeks, a daughter having twins, etc), she must've told her mother the following, at least 10 x's for each directive:
Now Mother you have got to be so careful and not fall
Now Mother you have to eat right . and not get sick .. you can't get sick .. nobody will be able to help you
Now Mother .. you have to be so very careful in everything you do, you have to take good care of yourself
The above directives, each said at least 10 x's ... as we were leaving.
This, because .. obviously, the only other person in mother in law's life that is able to help her, is me. This is nobody's fault but mother in law, who refuses outside help from neighbors, our church people, who are more than willing/able to help, professionals, etc. Won't accept help from anywhere, other than her son (my husband) who can't be at her beckon call, he works for a living, owns a small business .. and so if he isn't working we all sink. Or me, .. she has me, that's it. But I'm going to be spoken for, for the next few months at the arrival of twin grandchildren .. and a 4 year old sibling to those soon to arrive twins.
I was so hoping that mother in law would agree to go stay with her daughter for a period of a few months, which would free me, to focus my energies where I want to focus my energies, which is on my daughter .. expecting twins, and the new babies and the sibling to those new, soon to arrive, twins.
Truly, I don't want to be in the position of getting a phone call from sister in law, several states away, .. "I know you are so busy with the new babies on the scene and your daughter, but mother isn't feeling well, I think she needs to get to the doctor, but of course, she's too weak/frail to get there, is there any way possible you could squeeze that into your already-too-busy agenda".
I don't want to even be put in that position.
I shouldn't have to be, this isn't my mother.
I had stressed, .. all along, as we've known twins are coming .. that will be where my focus is .. and it has already started, as mother has now been required to stop work, .. and rest more, stay off her feet. And so I'm already taking the 4 year old off of her hands, .. most days and not available to mother in law.
I was so hoping that her daughter would dig in her heels with her mother and explain to her that she can't be here .. she has other commitments with her own grown kids on her end, and needs to be home at that time (pet sitting for a daughter that travels a lot, recreational travel, but none the less, and a son coming from the other side of the world with his family, a son and his family she rarely gets to visit .. since they literally live on the other side of the world).
I was so hoping she would dig in her heels just as hard with her mother .. that she will need to go to where her daughter lives and be with her there, .. so she can be adequately assisted, . absent anyone on this end to do so.
Not to be.
Mother in law has spoken her piece, she isn't going, not now, not ever.
I am so disheartened and angry. I know, wringing my hands, I just know, I've lived it the last several years, .. I will be called upon .. when my plate is already full with my daughter and that scene .. called upon to help mother in law, be that her dog is ailing, or she herself is ailing .. something .. and I simply cannot be two places at one time.
I am so angry that I will possibly be put in the position of actually having to say to sister in law calling from so far away with the "mom sure doesn't seem to be well, could you possibly .............", I will have to tell her no. No I can't, I told you all along that my focus was going to be on my daughter and that situation, and that is the absolute truth .. I don't know what to tell you. This is why I have shouted from the rooftops .. but no one listens to me ... we need more outside help .. and because she calls the shots and is allowed to continue to do so .. she who is the one in need .... she doesn't want anyone else helping .. no outsiders ... no to neighbors helping, no to our church folks 0 who are willing/able to help, no to professional outside help .. no ... and yet you guys you and my husband (her son) allow her to continue to call the shots on all that, you allow her to refuse to go with you to your home .. I told everyone involved, all along the way .. that I will not be available. Don't know what to tell you.
Just so angry an disheartened.
Still. Be those things as they may, aren't you creating a false dichotomy here? There must be more options to choose from than the either/or of MIL's living as a full-time dependant with you, or going to stay with SIL. What else is available, preferably near SIL?
I would put it to MIL straight....she WILL be alone.
She sounds cognizant... force a decision. She can go into a facility or with daughter. No other choices,
I feel you need to bring this to a head..right now. You are almost out of time.
MIL is refusing outside help? What makes it more fair for her to refuse something? You just refuse right back.
Now - you also can choose what you will and will not do. If you have determined that you can only give MIL say one afternoon a week - that is all you can do. She will have to fill in the gaps. What doesn't get to happen is that MIL refuses all outside help and by default you fill the gap.
Seriously - you are being walked over. This is MIL's to figure out - not SIL, not you. You have told her about the grandbabies and new mother, so focus on them. MIL might be forced to actually use some of the other services available to her. Boundaries and backbone!!
Please don't let your MILs stubbornness dampen your joy!
Maybe your hubby needs to tell his Mom what her choices are. That under no circumstances will you be available.
I have talked at length to sister in law, that I disagree completely that her mother should be able to call the shots here, as to no outside help, and that she should be able to refuse a trip to stay with sister in law for a period of a few months while I focus my energies where I want them to be.
Sister in law disagrees with her mother, as does my husband. Sadly, it seems this is all being hung on the "well let's hope she doesn't get sick or fall". "Hope....". That's what this hinges on, "hope". Not good odds.
As I expressed to sister in law, and will be expressing to mother in law (but it will do no good), .. she generally does relatively okay when all is well. It's when things de-rail that she cannot adequately care for herself, and needs loads of support.
Most recently, when her dog got so sick and her up all hours of the night 2 and 3 x's nightly, caring for him, letting him in and out, etc. And she got so ran down, she couldn't even put one foot in front of the other to think, much less get the dog seen at the vet, and communicate with the vet as to what can/should be done. I had to take that situation on, and work it to it's resolve, as mother in law was pretty much laid waste with the whole thing.
But listen to mother in law, her words, .. if I've heard it once, I've heard it 1000 times .. "I know what I have to do here, I am not going to so and so's ... I know what I have to do here, to take care of myself and I'll do it, I will manage".
SIGH
Like she didn't know what she needed to do above, and became so far set back .. she couldn't even function.
Prior to that, she herself had gotten ill, .. and so it was a matter of running to her home daily to ck on her, making sure she was adequately hydrating, getting supplies to her, etc, getting her to the doctor. But "she'll manage, she knows what she needs to do".
Or prior to that, several months earlier, .. she'd gotten sick .. and had gotten so far run down (has mobility issues and so isn't able to adequately care for herself) ... she'd gotten so sick, that she'd fallen in her dressing room, trying to get to the bathroom, .. and had literally .. excrement all over the floor as she'd rushed (she can't rush .. she has too much trouble navigating to rush at anything, ever). She'd fallen and couldn't get up .. and so a phone call to us (yes, she has a life-alert button, and no she wouldn't/couldn't, didn't want to, who knows, activate it), .... phone call from sister in law several states away .. "mother has fallen and she can't get up, . she won't push the life alert button, I'm trying to get her to do it, but she just moans, .. I don't know, she says she's okay and just leave her alone, she'll work to get herself up .. but she just moans .. and I don't know, can you go see about her".
I happened to, at that moment, be completely on the other side of town, about 45 mins away and so she asked if her brother (my husband, is he any closer, can he get to her). I put in a call to him, he too, about 30 minutes away. He did drop everything and go in that direction. Found mother in law, behind a locked bedroom door (she insists on locking her bedroom door when she sleeps .. and that has now been changed to a locked knob .. so that if this ever occurs again, we have a key to enter her bedroom). He found her behind a locked bedroom door, and had to literally remove the doorknob before he could get to her. Found her in the floor in her dressing room, excrement on the floor and had to assist her to get up and then work to clean up the floor and clean her up. Ambulance called, because we weren't sure she hadn't broken anything, she complained that her back/ribs hurt. Trip to the outpatient ER .. determination that she hadn't broken anything but was dehydrated. IV administered, and sent back home.
But "she'll manage, she'll be fine, she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it".
I don't think it's very good odds to hang all this on "well let's hope she doesn't get sick, let's hope". "hope".
And she refuses all help. She has a neighbor that has told her, us, repeatedly that she will help. She doesn't want to ask her, and won't allow any of us to do so. She has a housekeeper that lives around the corner, .. and has offered to help .. no, she won't allow it. I've tried to get sister in law, to enlist the help of a home health aid, that the doctor would order, if we'd just ask .. nope .. she won't allow it. She won't go to where her daughter lives, to stay for a period of a few months .. she'll be fine, she'll manage, she tells you.
I am just at my witts end with it all. Just completely frustrated.
I talk to my husband, .. who is her son, .. about all the above, and my anguish as I'm generally the front line to all of this, and I will be out of pocket here. His take on it all is, that his mother doesn't want to give up her independence. His take on it all is that if the worst happens, then he will try to do what he can (but reality dictates that he can't do that much .. he does go .. when he can, but he still works daily and cannot be there on the scene), his take on it all is that her daughter drives her crazy, read above .. the neurosis.
I think I'm going to have to find a way to put this worry that I feel over the situation into a box and put it on a shelf and leave it there. I'm not able to achieve that, yet.
Some of us have been faced with Elders that have dug in their heels insisting to stay in their home, insisting they don't need help, etc, etc.
You are worrying A LOT about things that have happened in the past, things that happened recently, things that might happen, things that could happen, and on, and on. I am not judging you...I did the same thing when it came to my taking care of my Mom. Due to the fact that my sister is a blue ribbon flake among other things I decided and somehow thought I could micro manage my Mom believing I was the only one that could do it properly. Maybe I gave Mom the best care, well of course I did, but my flake sister was not going to kill her.
My husband wanted me to go on a job with him to get away from the whole mess for a while. I began to protest, I can't leave, what about Mom, Sis can't handle this, Sis can't handle that, and on, and on. My husband looked at me and said "your sister can't and doesn't because you won't let her". So began to protest again. Sis will mess up this or that and drive Mom crazy. He looked at me again and said "So what if Sis drives your Mom crazy?" "Your Mom raised her". "You are not an only child".
You have given your notice. Your time off starts pretty soon. Let your MILs children handle this. You will be unavailable. Your hubs and his sister will figure it out if you give them the chance. Their handling of things might not meet your standards but if it meets their standards after all it is their Mom.
Enjoy your time off.
She is not competent to live alone if she can't remember how to medic alert button.
She needs full time care or to be placed and the sooner you all back off from responding to her emergencies the better care she'll start getting.
She has a life alert button she wears around her neck. The life alert that we subscribe to, they have all the pertinent information, as to what concerns there are (dog being one of them), who to contact in the event of an emergency, etc etc.
There is a lockbox installed on the front of her home, with a code to it, supplied to the life alert folks, so that in the event rescue personnel are summoned, they won't have to literally kick in the door, they can activate that lock box code, and there they can retrieve the key to open the front door.
Once it was all resolved, it turned out that was her reservation to having activated that life alert button for assistance. She, to this day, will not do so, for fear the dog will meander out the front door, and be gone for good. Even though it has been explained to her those instructions were provided with the system we subscribed to. She doesn't have much confidence any of that will be followed.
She has a home security system, .. when my husband did go there, to assist, it activated the alarm when he came inside .. he knows the code, so he disarmed it. That too, provided to the life alert folks. That also, .. a concern of her's .. that it will trigger the alarm if rescue personnel arrive on the scene. She has been assured that information is available to the life alert folks.
Makes no difference. She wouldn't then, and likely wouldn't again .. activate that alarm she wears (which we forced her to get), for fear her dog will wander off, for fear the alarm will be triggered. Unfounded, but it is what it is.
What I'm going to say is my observation- not a criticism.
You give an excellent discription of your SILs obsessive worrying. SILs constant running babble is actually her way of worrying out loud. Expressing the concern, stating a need and trying to control herself, everyone else and the situation. It is manifesting itself by way of repetitious babble. Did you realize that you are doing the same thing? I suspect both you and your SIL has some obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
But truth be told, you can't control or change your SIL. You also can not control or change your MIL. So that leaves you - with you. And I'm certain you don't want to do or become as they do/are.
So now you need to do what those of us with OCD tendencies do - make a plan and make a list. Seriously, you know how this is likely to go down - so instead of trying to be there for your daughter and her children - with one ear and a portion of your concentration listening and waiting - the anticipation of being pulled in more directions than you can possibly go - sit yourself down in the drivers seat.
I'm sure you've already done this - but it's time to do it again - as firmly and succinctly as possible. But first, do some ground work. Line up a few of those friends, neighbors and church people. Get a commitment from them that they are available to help out when needed over the next month. It would help if you can identify someone who loves dogs, someone who drives, etc. Tell MIL and SIL that starting June XX you will only be available to talk to them on Friday afternoons- after 5pm - (I pick this as an example. State a day/time that works for you). Tell them both that while you're with your daughter and her children your phone will be off as to not wake any sleeping children - or their mom. Tell them you will be providing them with a list of people who have offered to help you and them out for the next month or so - notate next to the names on the list "dog", "groceries", etc. Add to the list that you'll be giving SIL the names of local businesses that do housekeeping, elder caregiving, the vet, and a grocery store that delivers. Add any businesses and phone numbers you think applicable. Providing this list will show them you mean business. "Forewarned is Fairwarned".
I'm going to throw one more thing out there for your consideration- please don't be offended- it is not my intention to be hurtful here. But about your daughter and the new babies... I am sure that in the beginning you will be a Godsend to your daughter. But please keep in mind that after an initial period it's going to be important for her to spend time alone with her children- all of them. Daughter is also going to need to set priorities and learn to juggle all her responsibilities at home on her own - unless your planning on moving in for the next 14 years. There will also be times when it's important for your daughters partner to pick up some of the slack - acting as their own nuclear family. In addition - there are her own friends whom I'll bet she'll enjoy sharing her babies with - not to mention paternal grandparents and daddy's own sisters and brothers. In others words - you can't do it all. Nor should you. Nor will your daughter want you to. I'm just saying...
In the big picture, this is an excellent time to set boundaries all the way around. You are important too - and time for you - just you - needs to be factored into this busy equation. And don't forget hubby, either!
My final advice comes by way of an example from my life. Being OCD prone, you should be the lists I make and the rituals I go through when leaving on even a 3-day vacation. But one day it hit me - so what if the sitter doesn't give the dog treats on time? So what if I forget to pack my hair dryer? As long as I've got my medications and my hubby with me - the rest will work out one way or another. The world won't end if a dog misses a treat and they do sell hair dryers at the coast!
Best of luck to you.
Just as a side note: the two EMTs I know personally are really responsible and alert people. They are used to going into homes with pets. The people who were at my grandpa's home (numerous visits) always watched for the pets. Plus you can probably give the Medical Alert people special instructions about her dog in case they have to call EMS. (They must give 911 info about Diabetes and other chronic conditions; I'd bet they could put a note about the dog in their computer too.)
I know neurotics can be trying but 1.) at least they are responsible and tend to get things done right and 2.) your MIL raised SIL -- her own lack of planning and thoughtlessness probably turned SIL into an over-preparer and double-checker. She's lucky her daughter wants to take care of her. Also plenty of Assisted Living facilities allow pets now. Your MIL's choice to reject that help means shooting herself in her own foot -- not your (or your SIL's) fault.
Enjoy this time with your daughter and grandchildren. I have pics of when my son was born where my mom looks just as tired as I did -- 10 years later I am still grateful everyday for all her help at that time. You will be on a different schedule (and will need time to relax too) so good for you for trying to draw your boundaries now. Good luck with this!!!
MIL has a folder/file box, it sits right beside where she spends most of her day. At her kitchen table, it's where she prefers to sit and watch the b'yard and birds/squirrels, etc. In that folder/file box, it is categorized as to all her doctors/dentists/vet, medicines, phone numbers for all applicable parties, including family members.
The information, when you set up with a medic-alert system, they have some information sheets required to be filled out. In those information sheets, you specify if there are any health concerns, such as diabetes, you list their medications they take, the hospitals/doctors of choice, and any other concerns with regard to the home, such as pet concerns. You also list any applicable information as to codes for security systems, etc.
We've yet to actually utilize the medic alert system. One time, it should've been utilized, but MIL wouldn't do it. She opted instead, on the phone with her daughter, long distance, to tell her daughter to leave her alone, that she would get up eventually, she'd find a way to get up. That's when daughter was urging her to activate the button, so rescue personnel can assist. She wouldn't do it. Daughter then notified us, locally, and fortunately MIL's son (my husband) was about 30 minutes away and went to the rescue.
The information required, I'm quite sure is all in the database of the company we use for the medic-alert. It was provided to them. That, for some reason, maybe it's common with elderly, doesn't allay her concern that her dog (which is her life's blood, her baby) would get loose, never to be found again. That, it turns out, was the main impediment to her having activated that medic alert button.
There isn't anyone to list as to "Call ___________ for help getting your dog to the vet", or "Call ___________to go get your groceries for you", or "Call ______________if you need to be taken for a few errands and don't feel up to driving yourself".
Why?
She won't allow it.
The "go to" has been me for the above, and more. Her daughter, when she is in town, is the "go to" for the above.
Her daughter has tried, as have I, .. there are neighbors, (she doesn't attend any kind of church or neighborhood organization, or senior center), there are folks from our church who are very aware of the situation and have offered to assist with the above, and more.
There are people, that'll do so.
BUT ....
MIL won't allow it. "Don't you send someone from your church over here, I won't answer the door". "Don't you call so and so across the street to go to the grocery for me", "Don't you call such and such to take my dog to the vet".
What is her answer to the above, absent my ability to step in.
The following words, if I've heard them once, I've heard them one zillion times:
"I know what I have to do here, and I will do it, I will manage"
That is her answer to the above. There are no names to add to any list of folks that can step in and fill the above voids. She won't allow it.
Thus my anger and frustration that she won't go to where her daughter is, at least for a few months. Her daughter, more than willing to accommodate having her mother there for a period of time, to assure her safety in the interim while I'm otherwise spoken for.
But, read above: "I know what I need to do here, I will manage".
But as stated before, .. she doesn't "manage" .. not when she is ill, or her dog is ill, or if she falls. She doesn't, isn't able to "manage" on her own.
What is her answer when the above is put before her: "I know that I must be so very careful to not get sick, and not fall, . and take very good care of myself, I will manage, I will be fine".
There you have it. She won't accept help from outsiders. If she would, we wouldn't be in this predicament. It's not at all that I'm so anal as to think that I, and only I, can provide her the level of loving care she needs. Not at all. I know there are other capable hands that can assist. She won't allow it.
She finds it completely acceptable to say, repeatedly, if confronted with the worry of this whole scenario, her words that I can recite by memory: "I will be fine, I know what I have to do here, I will manage".
But she doesn't .... not when she gets sick, or falls or her dog gets ill. Doesn't take much to derail the whole thing.
SHE won't allow it?
YOU don't allow her to run your life this way.
She is NOT more important than your 4 yo granddaughter, your daughter or the twins.
We all need to adjust to changes as we age. She's not adjusting; she's being an inflexible, demanding harridan.
MIL "might" even say the words herself: "I need help" and then all your worrying, fretting, fussing...will not be needed anymore!!!! Wouldn't that be BETTER???
Just stop, and read all the responses you have received and then sleep on it.
1. How does she get to the phone when she's laying in the floor? There is a phone on a dresser/bureau by her bathroom, a cordless phone. When she fell, she knocked it over into the floor. Her daughter calls her from out of state when she isn't here. She calls her usually 3 and 4 x's daily for welfare checks. That particular juncture, the phone had been knocked into the floor within reach of MIL, when she fell. So, she answered it, but could, for the most part, only moan and barely get out the words that she'd fallen. There you have it.
There have been other falls, but we didn't know of them, until well after the fact. She fell in the garage at one point, but was able to crawl/scoot .. manage to get her way into the kitchen and grab ahold of a kitchen chair after much exhaustive effort, to pull herself up to safety. She was left bruised .. but none the worse for it, fortunately. Another fall, in her bedroom, and she struck the back of her head and caused an open wound. That one, we didn't know about either, until days later. Again, she had crawled over to a chair, or scooted along, to pull herself up. Another one in the living room, same result. Those we didn't know about, until well after the fact.
2. What would happen if MIL calls and no one comes? Good question. It hasn't happened. MIL had a stroke several years ago, maybe about 2004 I would guess. And she has had some worsening, significant balance issues as a result. Along with a host of other medical maladies (though none life threatening). For the last 13 years .. as was mentioned before, her daughter comes every few months .. and stays a few weeks at the time, we fill in the void in between. If we've gone out of town, we've timed it accordingly so that SIL can be here.
This time, we found out months ago, that there would be twins. I said from the very beginning that will be a trying time, and I won't be able to be present as I've been in the past (SIL was here in town when the first/only g'child was born and I was on the front helping my daughter and new grandbaby). I said from the getgo what my intentions and focus would be about this time, and urged that SIL plan to be here if at all possible, and/or work to get her mother to come to her .. or .. let's make her understand that she simply has to allow others/outsiders to engage in helping her, something/anything.
SIL just left here, .. from a 3 week stint. Why didn't SIL time it to be here closer to when the twins are due, and I will be out of pocket? SIL has a son that lives around the other side of the globe, he and his family. That son can't visit often because of his location where he lives/works. And his kids are out of school for the summer, and so they are visiting, right about the same time, as the twins are due.
I asked of SIL if it would be possible that this time, .. perhaps her son might like to come to our location and rent a condo on the coast for their stay in the states and that way she could visit with them, but also be available should her mother become needy. No, that wasn't a possibility she thought he'd consider. She will need to be back home, so that her son and his family can come visit (she sees them only once a year). So, she will not be here at the time I am spoken for and unavailable to MIL, due to my daughter giving birth to twins.
MIL lives by herself, in her own home. Her health is deteriorating, as happens with elderly folks, .. in these last few years .. a myriad of not life threatening issues. She has been hospitalized a couple of times, .. and probably should've been hospitalized more, but we patch together a care team .. between my husband and myself and SIL if she's in town .. to keep her, honor her wishes, to not have her hospitalized. A fate, according to her, worse than death.
She hasn't had to be alone, to do the whole "I know what I have to do here, and I will do it, I will manage". She hasn't had to be. For the most part, .. if things are rocking along swimmingly .. relatively speaking, .. she does okay. Mostly. But if she gets sick, or falls, things derail rapidly .. and she can't take care of herself, add to that if her dog gets sick .. and her expending more energy to care for her ailing/aged dog. And no, it's not an option that the dog is getting old and too needy and needs to be put down. She'd have to have a shot also, .. to be put down.
So to answer, what happens if no one comes? I don't know. Hasn't happened. Therein lies my dread.
Her refusal to allow outside help, her refusal to go to where her daughter lives for a period of time, to assure her safety .. leaves it all open-ended.
3. Wouldn't it be better if she comes to that conclusion on her own, that she needs help. ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish she were at that juncture now. Maybe that's where we are, .. that she will find herself needy at a time when I can't come, and she has forbidden outsiders to engage in any of this, .. and she will find she does indeed need help. That would be optimal. One can only hope that realization doesn't come at the cost of her complete loss of independence, having taken a nasty/horrible fall that results in a nursing home as her future residence.
But here's the thing. You are not alone. As Gershun says, you've been given some good advice. But you reject it out of hand. Most of us here - the ones who post regularly, have been exactly where you are now. Some better and many worse.
I can't tell you how many times I broke down and went running when my mother called - after having sworn I'd never do it again. I was at a serious breaking point. I had been looking after my mother for six years - and she was a handful. Dementia, incontinence, falling, lying, pain pill addiction and more. I wasn't doing well at keeping it together when I found this site. I wasn't taking care of myself and barely looking after my own family that includes a sevearly disabled adult son living at home. I was taking medication for anxiety and antidepressants were right around the corner.
One thing I learned here is there comes a time when you just have to say "no more". At some point you have to take back your life.
When that time comes and it's time to say "no" - it can be the hardest thing you ever do. Sometimes it means you don't answer the phone or you don't run over when called - sometimes it's saying to the doctor or the social worker in the Emergency Room "I can no longer care for my mother - she can't come home". It's frickin' hard! It seems cruel- but when it really comes down to it being either them or you - and "you" includes your own family - sometimes you make the hardest decisions of your life.
Maybe your not there yet. But I bet you get there pretty d*mn quick if you end up missing this time with your baby and her babies.
Take our advice. Line up some caregivers. Then go be with your daughter and don't look back.
Any productive advice that I can think of has already been said (better) by everyone else on this thread.
IMHO, it's time to take her up on her "I'll be fine" sh*t. And don't look back.
MIL's passive-aggressive grandstanding is nauseating. And disrespectful. And she kept it up until she became the focal point of your marriage. Yuk.
If you and hubby wait on MIL hand and foot until YOU TWO are falling on the floor and sh*tting your pants, that will be just fine with her. If that's not fine with you, start limiting your availability. Now.
Three days in one week I got a call from mom or from a relative or neighbor that I needed to come immediately.
Day three, this was the conversation. "Mom, I can't do this anymore" "do what?" " come to the rescue. I'll lose my job, brother will have a heart attack racing here. This can't go on"
We moved mom to Independent Living. Mom didn't like it at first, but we were not going to participate in something that was dangerous to mom's health and unsustainable for us.
We said "no". You should too. Don't argue, don't reason. Refuse to participate in this charade of her "Independence".
I'm not shooting down what has been advised. Only expressing the difficulties faced. I see that others have weathered this storm and worse.
It is apparent at this point, that I will be the one that changes things. Hard for me to do. I am, generally speaking, a jump in get it done, caring person. To a fault. But the situation is obviously not going to change, until I change it.
Finding the fortitude to do just that, will be my challenge.
MIL has at her disposal .. any number of phone numbers for folks she can call on (refuses to do so). But the information is at her fingertips, and has been all along. It's not generally, btw, MIL calling, it's her daughter ... wanting help for her mother (from long distance). Generally, MIL, insistent, "I can do this". But if you call and ask her, having been prompted by daughter (long distance) .. "Hi MIL, I was talking to your daughter and she mentioned you have a doctor appointment tomorrow and that you also need to run by so and so department store, and if we could possibly run to get some groceries for you, and I'm sure pick up your rx's .. that it would be helpful to you, do you need me to help with that". The answer is "yes", always.
Passive/aggressive, as someone else said. Out of one side of her mouth, "I can do this, I know what I have to do, and I will manage". Out of the other side of her mouth, me having been prompted by her daughter who is 1k miles way, she accepts help.
SIL: "Mother orders that special dog food, and she is just not strong enough these days, to get in the car and go get it, would you mind picking that up at the vet, and bringing it to her, and on your way ... if you wouldn't mind, .. ck with her, she said she's out of milk, bread .. and she needs maybe some fruit, if you'd check with her".
These kinds of things, generally speaking, come from SIL .. not necessarily MIL.
My challenge will be to learn and recite it often, "your mom says she will manage, .. she is fine, she can do this, .. let her. No, I won't be going to pick up her dog food, or her groceries .. no. Maybe she will feel stronger tomorrow, or the next day".
And recite that often.
Not 2nd nature to me, at all.
Your MIL may be throwing you under the bus in order for her to maintain her lifestyle - but it seems that your SIL is behind the wheel.
BarbBrooklyn touched on the very core of this issue - the charade of independence. Unfortunately, many elders are more than willing to throw their adult children under the bus so they can live as they want - under the illusion they are living "independently" when there is nothing independent about it. It comes at the expense of your lifestyle and your independence to make it happen.
In my opinion, the price you are now facing - time and memories that are irreplaceable with your daughter and her children - it is just too high. Not when there are options.