Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

Thanks Ladee C.

TooMuch .. if your family is so unsupportive of your needs, they obviously don't really want your help. So, as you say, surrender to the moment and stop trying to 'fix' stuff.

I live with another caregiver in the home of our friend/client. For the first two years, I thrashed and beat my head on the wall over the differences between the two of us caregivers. Much of which had to do with some personal ethics. I threatened to leave, I tried negotiation. Nothing worked. My personal commitment is to see Edna through to the end .. whatever it takes. And what that took was sacrificing my ethics about HER behavior/tactics. I just gave it up to the universe and stopped the fighting. You'll have to do the same until you find another situation. Just grin and bear it.

It's. Not. Worth. The. Fight.

Not if you don't have someone else in your corner. Make another commitment with yourself .. to get out. Set a date, and tell everyone. You're leaving on such-and-such. And spend the rest of the time getting there. You'll find it, because you're determined to do it. And, meanwhile, if you're hanging onto any guilt, let it go. You've done your best and your first commitment is to you and your children. Don't worry about the caregiver 'winning' .. it's not your concern, and in the long run, who really cares?

The bottom line is: how you feel and react is a choice, believe it or not. Draw an imaginary line in the sand of your feelings and step over it. It IS that easy. Been there, done that. And when the 'stories' start spinning in your head, SHUT them DOWN. Distract yourself with something else, anything else.

Wishing you the very best with it.
LadeeC

Hello all. Ive surrendered to the fact that this situation will not change. So Im basically asking for tips on coping until I can find a better living situation. I hope you dont mind me venting though, because that is the only way I can cope so feel free to skip over this ... Ive mentioned before, if I were the person paying our weekday caregiver she would have been gone a long time ago. Ive held many jobs. Ive also been a personal assistant. I have never been permitted to behave the way this woman behaves on a daily basis. She and the weekend caregiver are friends so she feels she is the one who should be telling the weekend caregiver what to do. Not only that but she calls her to gossip about us while she is in our home. Our weekday caregiver and I had a heart to heart. I expressed how much I and the entire family appreciates her. We even discussed our different backgrounds growing up. She has been on her own for many years whereas I remained at home until I got married. I thought we had reached a place of understanding. Much to my dismay she took my conversation to the weekend HHA, flipping the story around saying something to the effect of Im embarassed because I dont know how to do anything...and that she should be paid extra for the things she is doing ...I felt sick to my stomach. I have given this woman so many chances. She thinks nothing of coming in late without calling, leaving early and bringing her child to work. I guess our family works for her. How lovely.

I work from home and its all very distracting and disruptive. Its clear she wants me gone and she will soon get her wish.

Veronica .. ain't THAT the truth? Sometimes I've written these really lonngggg missives and they vanish .. only to realize that I'd written for my benefit and it was all good, lol.

Too much. It did not post because you did not press submit, the computer ate it, the website never got it or maybe it was a full moon. happens all the time and sometimes it is "just as well"

Ladee C you are a gem. I wrote a response but I guess I forgot to post it. We all "explode" however, I cannot ever recall getting into my employers face ready to have a physical after behaving like a ten year old. Exploding at work is never acceptable and there is no excuse. I will write more tomorrow, I dont know how my original response did not post...

Toomuch4me:
That means she is gone. There is no excuse for anyone to explode on anyone who resides in a home where there is caregiving done, such as what you have stated.

Basically, your family is in the way. No no no…. you are the reason that your parents have so much joy. SHE IS IN THE WAY!!! She needs to be let go and do not let the door hit her on the way out! (That was not mean spirited, it was a famous quote).

Be strong.

My first thought is: get a mediator. Someone who can help diffuse all the angst and tension and then really communicate about all that's going on: with you, the family member who has the rights to fire, and the caregiver. I'm taking a wild stab that no one really communicates. While there are business/professional aspects to all this, there are also all the human emotions. You're there because your choices are limited. the CG is there since it's her job (in your opinion, is she good at it?). What's the resistance to finding another CG? If I recall your situation, you care for your mom when the CG is off premises, right? Sit down, calculate how much the family would have to pay for 24/7 care (based on what they're paying now), and demonstrate, first to yourself and then the family that your contributions far outweigh the cost of paying someone else, and start some bargaining.

Listen ... we all have our opinions and preferences and real emotions. And we all tell ourselves a bunch of stories to help defend our positions. And we believe the truth of those stories even in the face of evidence to the contrary, mostly because we want to be ~right~. On some level, we all feel boxed in by ~something~. Find your compassion .. for yourself, for the CG, for the situation. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes for a bit. MOST of us have no real idea how to: first, communicate and second, how to be brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves and how we feel, and then reconcile it with someone else's reality. She obviously had some strong, pent up feelings and exploded. Was it professional? Heck no. Was it human, you bet.

I'm speaking from current and past experience with my present situation. I live and work in my client's home, with another caregiver. I spent the best part of the first four years balking at 80% of what the other caregiver said or did. I was supposed to be the 'lead' caregiver and it felt like - at every turn - she'd do or say something just to piss me off. The real problem wasn't her. It was ME. And my perceptions of things. We were two people thrown into a FAMILY situation, in the guise of a professional one. It was and is very much like a marriage: we are with each other 24/7 most of the time. It's so easy to be in each other's faces. It didn't help that we're actually VERY much alike, and every time I got pissed off at something, I'd ultimately realize that she was something like a mirror for me: I was seeing something in her that I didn't like in me.

If the situation you're in has any similarities, take a step back, find the things that ~really~ push your buttons and ask yourself, "why do they bother me so much? what is it about ME that this set of circumstances is so irritating?" Ultimately, what I realized was that my co-worker and I had made a pact within ourselves to BE HERE to take care of Edna until the end. It's a package deal and I had to come to terms with our differences and frustrating/maddening similarities. I had to find a way to let go. Let go of the crap that was getting in the way of being happy and having a fulfilling relationship .. because, trust me, it IS a relationship .. that needs trust and faith and love. The love starts with my caring for Edna and expands outward.

What finally worked for me was to find our common ground. I found a way to appreciate some of the small things and I made sure that I commented and thanked her. I made sure we sat down a couple of times a week, just to have a cup of coffee, a smoke and light conversation (hehehe .. often about the quality of Edna's poops). And I put my frustrations on a shelf in a dusty back corner of my mind. Guess what? It took some work and some time, but we no longer have screaming matches, we're truly a team whose first priority is the well-being of Edna. I felt like I swallowed a lot of pride and self-righteousness along the way, but it was in time enough that when we came close to losing Edna, we were embracing each other in our tears of fear.

I don't know if any of that helps, I hope so. Take care and let us know how it continues to go. Be brave. Take the higher road. Forgive. Let love guide you.

*hugs*
LadeeC

I spoke with her today and now she is upset that my children refuse to speak to her. I told them to at least say hello and goodbye but they are very protective of their mother. Im just so tired of this nonsense. I have no trust in this woman any longer. I do appreciate all of your input.

Toomuch, sorry I thought you did fire caregiver, if you couldn't do it whoever hired her maybe you should have tell you situations?

You were having problem with this caregiver quite long time...my suggestions is ...if she has your house key get it back ASAP or change your lock.

Ladee M, thanks for your input. I dont have the authority to fire her. So as I always say I will keep my mouth shut until I move...this situation was extremely hurtful.

I agree out the door now. No notice necessary. Do not darken my door again. Can't guess what her motive was but she certainly did not want any witnesses. She was trying to provoke something for sure.

Get her a** out of there ASAP !!!!!!!! Under no circumstances is that acceptable....and always keep in mind.... people show you who they are.... and if she feels that way she doesn't need to be there anyway.... do you have the authority to fire her???? If not , tell the person that does and her out of that house NOW !!!
I am sorry this happened, but no one has to put up with this, regardless... please let us know how this turns out..... and her apology was 'too little too late'... keeping her mouth shut should have been her first priority, much less getting in your face..... if she had an issue with the way she felt she was being treated, there are professional ways to handle that..... this woman has been a pain since day one..... get rid of her.....period

Hello all. I hope Ladees are around today because I wanted to tell you about an incident that took place yesterday. Our caregiver was at home with my children and I. My parent and one of my siblings had gone out for the afternoon. Anyway she and I were talking about my Dads behavior while my sibling is in town. He will always tell the HHA "dinner for two..." even if I am sitting right there. I do not expect anything from her. I have always cooked and provided food for myself and children. If there is anything I love to do its cook. I now tend to make quicker meals because the HHA is always in the kitchen...Anyway, she starts saying that we (my family) are "users" meaning we use her. HUH ??? I exploded. Rather than apologize she kept going on and on "oh well I will say what I feel..." Antagonizing me even more. Finally she gets in my face..cursing me in her language .acting like she is ready to have a physical fight .....mind you my children were watching.
She has since apologized profusely. But I dont trust her any longer and I dont want her in my house. I havent yet even told my family what took place. But I have never encountered anything like this is my entire life. She purposely waited until; no one was around to start a huge fight. At this point I cannot stand to even look at her.

Awesome feedback thank you all. And on a good note, we have come a long way. Really. I do compare this situation to being a new mom. They have shown me different things about my loved ones diet etc and I am grateful..But that doesnt mean that the house would fall to pieces without them. Yes it would be so hard for me to manage it on my own..but I get a sense of them feeling superior.
I certainly dont appreciate them discussing our home within earshot of me. Its just plain rude. My overall feeling is that as long as my parent is happy then I need to get keep my mouth shut until I can write my "tell all book" or move.

Another add-to: My situation is a little different in that I also live here and call it home. So, the minor rearrangements I do are, in effect, for Edna's benefit. It's NOT about imposing my will (except when it comes to the actual care giving .. and even there, if someone has a better idea, I'll incorporate it until it doesn't seem to work).

So, toomuch, the consensus from us is tell her what you want, how you want it... and she has choices, she can get with it,or get gone..... like LadeeC, on my last job, I did move minor things, like she said, depends, ointments gloves, but did not rearrange anything....
the job I have now... it is set up to my liking and have no problems, but if I did want to change something... I would ASK...... we are a guest in your home, even tho we are getting paid.... it is your home....

So hope you can take some of these suggestions and make some much needed changes.... I don't WANT to run my charges home.... too much responsibility , personally..... so let us know what happens.

PS .. I always thought that I was pretty diplomatic with confrontational things. Turns out, not so much, so I just convey, honestly, when the situation needs it.

If it were me, taking care of my mom, and someone came in, thinking they were going to play goddess in my home, I'd be having a sit down conversation with no holds barred. "I'm grateful you're here, and I have some new groundrules for us. I need you to read them, give me your feedback why you think I'm wrong. If we can compromise, we will. But, we're gonna start fresh, because what we're doing now is NOT working for me." And, take the risk that she'll turn and walk out the door, with all the potential consequences. MY home *is* my castle. Dammit.

LOL

If we're talking about household stuff, that's one thing especially irritating to the homeowner and resident. I live in my client's home, and I just can't imagine changing anything I wasn't ASKED to change regarding the home.

However, I *do* feel compelled to make some changes about routines and behaviors. As a care provider to someone who cannot safely navigate the home, it's actually my responsibility to make it safer, for instance. IE: throw rugs are just dangerous, even if they're pretty, deemed safer by 'normal' standards, or provide warmth .. they're too easy to trip over by my client AND me (heh .. I'm almost 61 and I find myself tripping. Pfft.) Since I do live here, I sometimes make minor re-arrangements to make our work easier, like where we store diapers, keep ointments and that kind of thing. The kitchen is kind of my domain, but it remains essentially the same as when I moved in, so even there, I wouldn't consider invading my client's personal stuff.

I will insist, with the family, certain things, like, "She's capable of doing that herself, please let her. You wouldn't take over for a child you're trying to teach how to do something, would you? This is part of her therapy, and she needs it." It helps that I've been doing this for 5 years with the same client and the family SEES how my method works, but I insisted from the start.

Here's my question: do you think that the caregiver thinks she's helping? Is she just being blind to your concepts and methods? I have a very consistent pattern to all the stuff I do, and my co-worker/roommate just doesn't ~see~ the pattern. If I want to have something done a certain way, I either change it to my pattern on my shift, or I have to say something. It's your choice. Personally, I avoid the conflict. The first two years I was here, I felt like I was on a battleground and then figured out that it just wasn't worth the angst of confrontation.

As for being an employer of the caregiver. Geesh. I know this sounds harsh: but grow a pair. Speak up, ask for what you want and need ..... and be prepared to back up your requests with potential consequences. The caregiver could get moody and frustrating to be around and do what you ask, but you can't stand being around her; she might quit; she might be surprised to find out she wasn't doing what you wanted/needed and happily comply. Plug in the gamete of human emotions, here.

Let us know how it goes.

Too much? I am a caregiver, and I do not go through peoples things. Yes, I put laundry away, if they ask me, yes, I do the dishes and put away the dishes in the proper places, but you should never feel that a care giver is "dictating to you" that is not correct or proper. We are in your homes to make a difference, and we are being paid. Your opinion is absolutely number one. Without it, there would be not job, there would be no income. Saying that, I do this to make a difference one by one to our society, some people must think that this is a job that gives them rights that are WRONGS. That is not correct to own your job, and tell the homeowners the way things will be. At least, that is how I am reading what you are saying.
Are you in an area where it is remote, and it is hard to come by a good care giver?

Simply put, I would speak up, or write up, meaning some of these issues are very hard for people to talk about, so I have encourage some people to write a letter to their care giver. In your case, basically,

Mrs. Smith

I want to let you know that I appreciate the hard work (if that is true), that you provide for my parents, during Monday through Friday.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it when I come home to the house where I reside, knowing that my parents have been well taken care of.

I would like to change a few areas of the way things are being done.
Instead of going through and putting their clothes away, you may leave them on the xyz chair near the bathroom? (That is an example), that way, I can go through them and sort them out. You are not doing anything wrong, this is just a routine, that mother and I like to do, and she assists me and it is good mother daughter bonding time. Again, this has nothing to do with you, but it is appreciated that you do listen to the request and adhere to it. If there is anything that you need to better assist your job with us, please let us know.

Then if you have other issues, handle them like that. Do not attack accuse, etc, otherwise you will lose your care giver. These are just examples, and you do need to put her/him in place. No caregiver owns your house. They cannot dictate to you, and that needs to stop. I read that they do a good job, and I see you have a point when it comes to you interacting with them. You might state. "the reason that I am putting this in writing, is that I know that you probably want to leave at the end of your shift, and when it comes to interacting with me, it seems as if my opinion doesn't count. and you do not have to consult with me. Be very careful if you do not want to lose your caregiver when you word that. That right there will put someone on the defense. I will ask OTHER CAREGIVERS OUT THERE HOW TO WORD THE STATEMENT THAT SHE DOESN"T FEEL LISTENED TOO AND HER OPINION DOESN"T COUNT OR THEY DO NOT HAVE TO CONSULT HER REGARDING ANYTHING? HOW WOULD YOU WRITE THIS TO A CARE GIVER.

Best of luck.

D.

My question is how do I feel comfortable with having a caregiver in my home ? As you all know I moved in with my elderly parent. I still dont feel comfortable with strangers going through our personal items..our caregiver feel it is their place to dictate to us what to do on a daily basis and to make our home to their liking. I wanted to know if this is the norm ? Dont get me wrong they do a good job but when it comes to me interacting with me, they attempt to overlook me as if my opinion doesnt count or they do not have to consult me. But it is still the home I live in ! After their shift is over, Im the one caring for my parent...

Every caregiver that has nothing but the best of intentions and is doing there best may not be in their chosen position, but they are obviously in this type of position because they crd about people. Maybe not everyone is in their perfect situation, but give it time, room and growth and everyone if they really believe in themselves and their hearts are learning in the situation that they are in for that perfect situation. Have faith in yourself and in your promise to do your best.

Caregiving is a good, yet very thankless job, hang in there everyone.

Your buddy and friend through a very loving website. From one caregiver to another!!!!! :-) Smile

Sorry it was Ladee M but you both are wonderful.

Chiming in .. LadeeM has far more forbearance than I do and truly forged the way for us. .. I originally found AC about 3 years ago, got the distinct impression that it was 'not my place' to be here. Came back a few years later and the mood had definitely shifted. I, for one, am hugely grateful.

And I'm currently enjoying my favorite form of chocolate: frozen yogurt! (It's one of the few 'dairy' products my body can tolerate, due to a whey allergy.) Yum!!

toomuch, not sure if you were speaking to me...or LadeeC... I know, we confuse people but we don't mean to...... but I do thank you for the support of being a paid caregiver....

It was seven or eight years ago when I first jointed AC.... it was exclusively for people caring for a family member.... the site has evolved to include all caregivers now... so that is a great thing..I just stuck it out.... I needed support also.....and they finally just got used to me being here.... so hey, does that make me a 'pioneer' for paid caregivers???? wouldn't that be cool.... because there are a lot of us on here now....

So thanks again for your support... both of us ladee's appreciate you kind words ... sending you hugs..... and chocolate... we must eat chocolate...lol

Oh Ladee C why wouldnt you be welcome on this site ? I think paid caregivers like you give us hope and tremendous insight. If you lived near me, I would certainly hire you. Believe it or not I often think back to your words..thats why I keep asking questions..maybe Im missing something..and when I say that its a credit to you because you seem to get it. But from what I experience every day, I can tell not everyone sees their job the way you do. Just because a person is not entering an office every day does not mean they are not supposed to act like a professional. Unless a family is quite comfortable with the person they have hired, that person should never assume its okay to do as they please or treat the family as if they work for their caregiver.
I can see you are highly professional and caring. That speaks volumes !

Mrsboge, well I am happy to welcome you to the world of paid caregivers... and forgive me for my flippant remarks..... I have been at this so long, at some things I am a little jaded... but I own it that I am in burnout.....that is why I took a night job with drastic pay cut..... I can not deal with the day to day things anymore..... the last family I worked for..... it was a train wreck..... my 'intentions' were like all of us.....and I was so stupid I stayed for a year.... so, I do not choose to give up just yet.... but I am also realistic and knowing that I am entering the final stages of my career.....don't mean to sound so negative, but to some degree that is where I am right now..... if you are blessed to work with wonderful families, it will keep you in the business for many many years to come......
What brought me to this site many years ago, was not my caregiving duties, but the families.... I was not welcomed here back then, as a PAID caregiver.... so am thrilled beyond words that so many Paid Caregivers have a safe place to come and share.....but let me explain.... just because I wasn't welcomed , doesn't mean I didn't stay.... have been on this site for many years.....

So, happy you are entering this field and we will be here for your journey.... sending you lots of hugs..

I am licensed and bonded, yes.

Welcome mrsboge. I am about 7 months old to this site, and it has helped immensely with my private caregiving.
I came from the corporate world after 25 years. I had decided in 2008 after my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease to go back to school for one year and obtain my college degree, which only had four quarter's to go. Also, I notice when looking for assistance for my mother, that care givers, and top quality ones were in great need practically everywhere!

So, I received my college degree, and took care of my mother. When I went to look for a job in the corporate world. With a College degree and my experience of course I heard "you are too qualified", when truly what was the reason, that I was almost turning 50? I thought not, but to date, I have not received a job offer in the corporate world. To be fair though, I stopped looking when I decided to start in the private/professional care giving. Immediately, when I decided to market myself, I was hired by one full time client. That lasted for two years. Then, another, and another, and another. This has been the most rewarding, and yet challenging of positions. I have leaned on this website many times, and have learned many pros and cons about people, how to be a better listener, how to ask questions so that people can answer them? I would never look back and WELCOME !!!!!