Good morning,
I am new to the group and have been shoved into a journey of dealing with my mom. She has early onset frontal lobe dementia. She got remarried in 2007/2008 or so to her current husband. She currently lives with him and doesn't work and primarily watches game shows daily.
I have 2 older sisters and we received a message this morning that my mom's husband may be having to move to work, out of state. He asked her if she wanted to move with him, and she said she didn't want to move and wanted to live with my oldest sister. He sent a message to her letting her know the information above.
So I need some guidance... I don't know where to start.... what to do? We (my sisters and I) cannot accommodate her to come live with any of us. And a facility is way too expensive for any of us to afford. I don't know what I don't even know.... so anyone who can help or provide me resources or where to start with this would be so greatly appreciated.
I should also add, that she has no financial means, she is on SS but doesn't receive much.
TIA.
He has not mentioned divorce but it seems like that might be what he wants since he’s trying to move and have her live with someone else. He is moving for work. Asking her (he had to of known) is ridiculous because he knew she would say no.
My mom is 62 and currently in TX. She is pretty far advanced and really shouldn’t be left alone for long periods of time. She knows who her kids are but has 0 emotional awareness and has really no recollection who we are married to or that we all have young kids. He has cameras installed and monitors the house regularly to make sure she’s safe and eating.
That being said her husband is similar aged, so he is still too young to retire and he said that he has looked into facilities for her but it would cost him more money than he makes, which I know now isn’t possible. He lives a semi lavish (for him) lifestyle - eats out, hunts, nice truck, large home, etc. The home was his before met my mom. She literally has NO assets to her name.. before we realized that she had this disease she would compulsively shop and hoard stuff in closets, she she spent all the funds from her divorce from my dad.
We have tried to reach back out to him but he seems to be avoiding us. He just keeps texting back that he’s busy. My sisters and I are starting to think that this is a false alarm and he’s crying wolf...
Where is Mom living now?
Does she own the home, or both, or rent?
Can she stay put and have in-home support come in?
Can the hubs be required to support her at home?
Is it really a divorce? You want to get his new address before he moves.
Many many couples live apart for work purposes.
What are their ages?
A visit is in order, called boots on the ground. Imo.
One text message about a hypothetical move and marriage breakdown doesn't seem a lot to go on...
Just dropping her off at one of her daughters' homes with no paperwork in place to allow them to make decisions or spend her money is not a good plan at all.
Maybe you and your sisters can help him figure out what to do for his wife. Men, no offense to anyone, are typically not resourceful caregivers. If you see that he is at the end of his rope, odds are he is hanging on by the skin of his teeth.
Any move will be hard on your mom, it is just that way with dementia and the elderly.
I would seriously consider a family meeting with step-dad and all siblings involved and try to find a way to keep mom safe and cared for. Finding a place that parents can afford is a matter of research and I think your local area on aging is a great place for resources, it helps with lists and phone numbers to the services required, as well as the steps needed to insure that mom is being properly placed for her condition, dementia only gets bigger, I don't say worse because some hard to handle individuals become easier, so keep this in mind when making a decision. The further into dementia the harder change becomes.
Now is the time to pull together, as this is really about mom and her well being. Hopefully step-dad will bear the responsibility he willingly accepted when he married your mom. If not, and no one else can take her, take her to the hospital, tell them her husband abandoned her and she has no safe place to go. This will get the state involved and hopefully get her placed and on the road to Medicaid. He will get into a lot of trouble, but if he abandons her, he should. Walking away doesn't nix legal or financial responsibilities.
I hope that he is man enough to do right by his wife.
There are resources--day care, for example. He needs help finding them. Contact the local Council on Aging or the Mental Health Council, have her doctor make some referrals, and/or see an attorney who specializes in Elder Care.
We know there are some serious repercussions for him doing that but I’m worried he’s at the end of his rope.
I will check out those resources and see what options he has. Anyone know anything about sposal impovrishment? Options on assisted living? And how to lower the costs?
You could research the area he will be moving to. Are there Daycares, aide help, ect. Office of Aging in that county should have info.