Dealing with emotions after mom leaving...

Need, reading all of your responses makes me so sad for you.

I am going to say something that will probably not be popular, but I care enough to say the hard stuff.

You are so hung up trying to earn this females approval and love that you won't even look at what she was and is. She will never give you what you so desperately want. She isn't capable and she doesn't have the desire to make you feel better about your contribution to propping her up for 15+ years. She doesn't give a damn how much she has hurt you, she enjoys putting you in your place. She has always discarded you for her precious little boys. Stop making excuses for her screwed up treatment of you and the blatant use and abuse of you and your husband and daughters. I know how hard that is to face, but sending your daughter away so your son doesn't have to be, when he is the problem, come on. That is not what healthy people do, they don't punish their children for the actions of another one of their children. Then she took you away from your daughters because she wasn't willing to spend money she intended for her precious boys.

I am not saying this to hurt you, you know that. I am saying it because you are destroying yourself trying to get blood from a turnip. It's not there, you have to accept that and move forward. She did this by talking crap to your brother's, yes they reacted with one side of the story, but they believed whatever was said, to the point of accusing you of abuse. Does that not ring a bell?

I remember when I realized that my dad wasn't what I thought he was, it was devastating, but liberating because I could finally make sense out of stuff that never made any sense. Stop making excuses for her, it costs you to much.

You will never get over this if you don't see the truth and truth can be painful beyond bearing, but bear it you will and you will be able to get on with living your life without beating yourself up over her issues.

Hugs.

Isthisreallyreal,

I do believe that your statement is truthful. In fact, my therapist has told me the same.

He told me that I flash back to the ‘forgotten child’ that I was growing up. He said that is the struggle people have with PTSD. I do believe I subconsciously seek approval. I don’t think she will change. I do know that I don’t have the power to change anyone. Wish we could influence but that’s just a fantasy if we believe it after all these years, right?

I remember as a child, learning every single word to the hymns sung in church to impress them. The music was soothing to me. Music adds so much to a service. I loved chorus in school.

One of my favorite visions of heaven is the chorus of angels singing. What a choir that must be! Better than the gospel tent at our jazz and heritage festival, Hahaha. That’s a great tent with incredible singers. It’s interesting, some of the gospel singers also sing in the blues tent or jazz tent.

Before I learned the breathing exercises from my therapist I would start to panic, not breathe, then as he said, gasp for air. The exercises help a lot. Same thing with long walks. As he told me the endorphins that are released through exercise are a big help too.

He says my depression has been situational. I had wonderful years with my husband and children during times of normal ups and downs, with no extreme drama in my life.

The scary thing for me are triggers that spark a feeling or unpleasant memories. Certain phrases that I hear from my family always seem to set me off.

Thank God my therapist has been patient with me. Thank God, this forum has been understanding because I know I can be frustrating when I get stuck. My therapist points things out that need to be pointed out, like all of you here do but he doesn’t overly pressure me. Then he waits for me to absorb and process. I appreciate everyone here being patient with me.

I also know you are not telling me anything with the intention of additional hurt or pain. I have improved as far as being jumpy, and overwhelmed with others comments. The triggers are now triggered by my family. Since I have not spoken to them with the exception of two times, it’s not overwhelming like when mom was here on a daily basis. I could never do that again. I just couldn’t.

My feelings stem from being pushed aside when I was very young because my parents were desperately trying to save my brother.

I can’t imagine what it is like seeing a child overdose. I know it hurt me as a sibling but because I was so young I didn’t understand it completely. I was confused. As a parent the pain must be horrendous.

I believe in my heart though that my parents didn’t mean to intentionally to hurt me. I am not justifying or even excusing anything but merely pointing out the facts. I am grateful for the balance of my grandma and aunt. They filled a gap for me.

My parents were learning about things at a time when things were kept very hush hush. I have enormous compassion for what they went through. Later in my life though I had to walk away from it. I loved my brother. I hope every addict gets the help they did so they don’t die like my brother did but I couldn’t be a part of his world anymore. It sounds cruel but I had to cut him out of my life. I had to save my own sanity. I went to see him in hospice. I planned his burial arrangements. It was all I could do. I had given all that I could to help him but we are not able to help others that refuse our help. He would not go into rehab. He paid the price with his life. Very sad.

Well, I have to go. Doctor appointment in an hour. My daughter is coming over tonight for a visit and spending the night. I am looking forward to seeing her.

NHWM: Yes, my mother was like that when I was a kid. OCD to the max then, and still OCD to the max, coupled with severe anxiety, paranoia and now dementia. Living in Memory Care and asking me to buy her some Fabreeze so she can keep her room smelling nice. Meanwhile, I found her using it as 'stain remover' for her sweater last week when I went to visit. Still trying to make everything perfect and still failing miserably. Why? Because NOTHING is EVER perfect in this imperfect thing called Life. So everything, and everybody, falls short and is constantly reminded of that 'failing', in the mind of the perfectionist.

So. At some point, the family of the OCD perfectionist has to make a choice: we must choose OURSELVES or THEM. Can't have both. I chose, long ago, to protect MYSELF from the sheer madness, and moved out at 18 years old. Made the decision to NEVER take my mother into my home as an adult, under ANY circumstances, and never have (and never will). Self preservation is a huge necessity with women like this..............it's them or it's us.

You were stuck in the madness for a very long time. You are now OUT of the madness. You are just NOW starting to process the excruciating pain you've been through. The old saying of "Can't see the forest through the trees" applies here BIG time. While you are in the midst of the storm, you cannot see it. You have to get OUT before the truth can come through. A little at a time. If it comes too quickly, it will be overwhelming. So take it slow..........in small bites, and allow yourself the time to SEE the truth when it does come through. Don't let it bury you or send you back into the forest, begging for more pain.

For now, allow yourself to Rejoice. Celebrate. Keep talking with your therapist. Allow yourself the luxury of moving on and enjoying YOUR life. You've done enough.

NHWM,
You can have a good life without seeing your Mom.
If you go no contact, by your own choices, remind yourself
that it was her, not you, that hurt the relationship irreparably
when you were young. No need to rehearse what those things were. You may not be perfect or even blameless, no one is! AND, no need to let her know you are breaking all ties.
But the things she said were lies about you. Don't believe them.

Longing for toxic abuse from a parent can keep you stuck and in pain.
Your mother's love is broken, she cannot really love anyone, imo.
She may view you as only an extension of herself. And you have broken free. Good for you!

Here is an idea for you. Take a wonderful break from your inner thoughts daily, and just sit with the healing that is taking place in you with every tick of the clock, 30 minutes of peace to you, daily.

Lealonnie, you summed it up perfectly and have wonderful advice!! My mother also has anxiety, depression, OCD, Add, but since she is a perfectionist she is the type of person who if she can’t get it right, she’s not going to even start. She will never let anybody help her because somebody else CANT do it right in her eyes. She is the biggest procrastinator. Everything in her life is i will do it later, not now. Hence the hoarding situation. She will just drop the mail on the floor and sort through it later, she will just drop the tv remote on the floor and watch tv later. So now all her piles keep getting higher and higher on the floor. She can’t find the remote now or that piece of mail she set on the floor. But I am starting to realize it’s not my problem. It is her problem. I need to let go of her problems.

Sendhelp,

Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. I do find doing things that I enjoy daily helps me so much. It doesn’t have to be big things either.

I suppose that I appreciate all the things I missed out on before more than most people because I don’t take them for granted. I can take a walk and watch a squirrel run in the park and I smile. I can see and hear children laughing and playing in the park. That brings back memories of playing with my kids in the park.

I do need to remind myself that everything wasn’t great when I get sad over missing the good things. We hear things like don’t dwell on the negative. Clearly, I need to be more observant of reality and be more aware of the triggers that cause me pain. Thanks for this reminder.

Laharris,

Were you stunned when you heard your mom was happy with your alcoholic siblings? Geeeez, that is mind blowing! I’m glad you were able to let go. I desire to achieve that level of peace in my life.

Pam,

I know you are right. I have to stop my knee jerk reaction. She may not even be telling me everything. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone could be happy at my brother’s house. His own sons avoid him like the plague.

Didn't you say there was a plan to place mom is a facility soon?

Your brother and SIL might be able to hold things together knowing that this is a temporary situation, and also because they've hired caregivers to look after mom. How lovely that they're all getting along so famously, isnt it?

Think about what your response will be when it starts to fall apart and mom starts to stir the pot. "Having you move in here doesn't work for me, Mom" might be the best response.

Barb,

Last I heard from my godson was that they were going to keep her there. Mom was crying about being placed in a facility.

She is getting weaker. She has Parkinson’s disease which as you know is an ugly progressive disease in it’s latter stages. Every time the commercials come on with the elderly falling I have to change the channel because I start thinking about her falling. The falls were horrible. She has a walker, suppose they could put her in a wheelchair later. Who knows what they will do?

I don’t think they realize what they are dealing with. I suppose she will qualify for hospice when her care becomes unmanageable. A facility is the only manageable option if hospice isn’t available. I liked the end of life hospice facility that my brother was in. The nurses, social worker and chaplain were all good.

I know that my SIL is not planning on leaving her job. I don’t blame her. She already has 18 years at her job and she is working towards getting her pension pay.

They didn’t care that I had to leave my job.

NHWM,
I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through & my thoughts & prayers go out to you. I understand how you’re feeling because I’m in a similar situation.

I used to be close to my mother & brother but he has turned her totally against me for spiteful reasons. I haven’t spoken to him in over 2 years & have no desire to ever have a relationship with him again.

If you ever find a way to have some peace in your life & not think of all the hurt they caused you please let me know how to do it because I’m looking for the same thing.

hugs to you! 😘

Hang in - you did your best and then some, and if your mom can't see that, it's on her. I've observed that many women of her generation had the idea that it was their sons that counted, their daughters were just servants.  I think my own mom made that mistake. She and my brother were left to their cozy relationship and my sisters and myself just moved on.  I don't think it ended happily for her, and for my brother, but it was their own actions that brought it on.  No one has to put up with bullies, and if a mother cannot see that, then the consequences  are on her.

NHWM; It might help if you could get angry at your family, mom included, about how they manipulated and used you.

They manipulated you and made you give up your job and your pension, which is making your DH work extra years. Which, frankly, will shorten his life.

They stole years and joy from your parenting of your girls.

They stole your time from you.

Your mother refused to accept that you had limitations; when you tried to set healthy boundaries (thought to hire caregivers, get some time for you and your family), she incited your brothers to attempt to bring charges against you.

(She is manipulating your brother and SIL the same way, with tears; if they get tough and present a facility, I'm SURE you'll hear from her about how abusive they are being).

Yes, she has Parkinson's. It's a sad disease. One of my friends, in her early 70s, in now in a wheelchair. She cared for her spiteful, narcissistic mother who lived to be 100; she NEVER said, "mom, enough is enough; I can't do this any more".

So, now, at age 71, she is wheelchair bound; gave up her teaching career and has little in the way of financial resources...you get the picture.

Your mom lived a full, healthy life with your father and everyone else catering to her whims.

No one, my dear, is going to take care of you and your family except you. Please try to stop making excuses for the folks who abused you.

Jada, thanks.

Yeah, you used the right word, ‘spiteful.’ That’s exactly what it is. Spite, revenge and just plain mean, right? Same here, I have zero desire to have a relationship with my brothers.

I don’t know if there are solutions to these situations except avoidance or strict limitations. Also, speaking for myself, to let go of dreams.

My tolerance level went down to zero. I hit my threshold of pain, that’s for sure. I ran out of patience. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

I finally realized I would never be a miracle worker and be able to fix things. I had to surrender. I always thought only the weak surrender. Boy was I wrong. It took strength to let go.

You know, Jada. Two things saved me as a kid. I was that idealist, free spirit kind of kid that escaped with music and poetry. If I wasn’t listening to music, I was at the library reading poetry. Or going to poetry readings.

I love what T. S. Eliot said in his Ash Wednesday poem.

Teach us to care and not care

I was that ‘deep thinking’ kid. Always searching...

I have kind of given up on maintaining relations with my family. While looking after my mom I started seeing them with a fresh perspective and believe me it was not flattering. Selfish, cruel, judgemental are just a few of the words I'd use to describe them.

You know I always wondered why growing up I felt lonely and withdrew a lot and then when everyone started moving out and it was just myself and my younger brother I started to dread family get togethers because I would always be so depressed for weeks afterwards. It wasn't hard to put two and two together to figure out why. No one ever gives compliments in my family. I always thought that was weird. They tell you right away if they think your hair looks bad or they don't like the outfit you are wearing but no compliments. Nope, none. Not that I'm looking for compliments but you would think. I spend a lot of time thinking about things that were said and done through the years and it's no wonder I have low self-esteem.

Now since my mom has passed unless I have to see them I don't. I avoid them which isn't hard cause no one really tries to keep in touch unless it's Christmas or there's a family emergency. I also spend a lot of time feeling guilty for how I feel about them. So it's not a happy time of year for me thinking about Christmas coming up cause I truly don't want to spend time with them and I don't care for my in-laws either so it's a coin toss who I'm going to have to bring myself to see on the big day. I don't want to deprive my husband from socializing at Christmas time so I have to choose.

It is exhausting rehashing details in your mind. I agree. I wish I could unplug my brain. I wish I could forgive and forget. I know it's the Christian thing to do. But.......sigh!

Barb,

I can’t argue with anything you said. I really can’t. So sad about your friend. Boy, that’s an important lesson for all of us to read about, isn’t it? She could teach us a thing or two.

I think in my own way I was trying to be my own version of Mother Teresa.

You know, how she said, “I must be willing to give whatever it takes to do good to others. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is no love in me, and I bring justice, not peace, to those around me.”

Whenever I wanted total solace, I would visit an adoration chapel and read all of her writings, along with some of the writing of famous saints in our church. I found inspiration and comfort. I now see it wasn’t necessarily my path to follow though. All I can say is I was desperately trying to find my place in this world.

I admire Mother Teresa but I can’t say that I believe her words are for everyone. Even deacons and priests have said that not all of us are called or capable of being a Mother Teresa.

I was drawn to her because I viewed her as the ‘ultimate caregiver.’

It’s interesting because she was born into nobility and chose to help the poor, sick and disabled. It was a true calling, for her. Not me! I tried for years to force myself. It made me miserable. My family suffered as a result. That is my biggest regret. I think about it realistically now. Mother Teresa wasn’t married with children! Big difference.

For me, trying to live out her beliefs nearly killed me. I mean, it really flattened me!

Actually, Mother Teresa lived with severe depression. She hid it on purpose because she only wanted people to see the face of Jesus. I get that but even Jesus didn’t hide his suffering. He also allowed help. He fell with his heavy cross three times and others stepped in to help.

So, needless to say, I no longer believe “Give until it hurts.” It wasn’t applicable for me.

Another nun that I greatly admire has a more realistic approach that helped me a lot more. She said, “God does not call us to be doormats.”

Each of us have to find our own truth. Sometimes we are inspired by others. Sometimes we need help finding our way. Sometimes it takes getting lost before finding our way. Ah, that would be me, right? I need to stay on track. My track, instead of being so concerned about my mom’s path.

Unhealthy conditioning does a lot of damage. It really does.

Gershun,

I so get what you are saying! I have actually prayed at times to forget certain memories. I really have. You know, you think you have it under control, then go to sleep and have the weirdest dreams, sometimes nightmares. They say lucid dreams are helpful. Well, maybe so. Sometimes I wake up drained though instead of rested.

Elaine, thank you. The insidious thing about perfectionism is that it causes paralysis. You explain that fact with your mother who can't do ANYTHING now because she couldn't do it "perfectly" to begin with, so now it's a giant pile she will NEVER be able to tackle. I was groomed to be a perfectionist myself, and I fight off bouts of it when I see it coming on. Example....I make Christmas wreaths, trees and other things, jewelry boxes, framed artworks, out of vintage jewelry I collect. Starting The Project scares the crap out of me because what if it doesn't come out perfectly? Omg then what?? That's the mind chatter. Well, the first project I ever did, the framed Christmas tree, did NOT come out perfectly at all, it was a downright mess! So I started over, big deal! I had plenty of velvet to use, and I went online to find out the correct type of glue to use, ordered it, and voila, attempt number 2 was lovely. The stump of the tree is slightly crooked....but I can actually look at the piece WITHOUT focusing on the frickin stump! I can enjoy it and feel proud of it, too. I don't let my tendency toward perfection stop me from starting or derail me from finishing or starting over. Yay.

Barb....I think it's super scary for NHWM to acknowledge the abuse she's suffered because that will permanently tarnish the Mother image that SHOULD be but never was. Once something is acknowledged, it becomes Real and shatters a dream forever. A little at a time is how she needs to let the reality seep in, methinks. She doesn't have to be bitter or hold hatred in her heart afterwards, if she grieves this loss properly. She just has to come out WHOLE and no longer broken, looking for a mother who never was, or will be, who she needed.

I was lucky in an odd way, me, because I was adopted. My mother never stopped saying how she was cheated out of having children "of her own", yet insisted I was chosen and she loved me, etc. The message I took out of it was that I was second choice....not good enough or what she truly wanted. That, in turn, allowed me to disassociate myself from her and stop expecting her to be "motherly". She'd never give me what I needed, and I'd never be what she needed, so that was that. It's what saved my sanity. And here I am at 62, and here she is at 93, and I'm still caring for her and it's still not good enough and I'm still not good enough but it's okay. Because I'm happy with who I am as a person and haven't allowed HER hateful venom to turn ME into a hateful venomous person myself. So I win, in the end, even though I lost so much along the way.

I don't dream about my childhood memories but I lay awake at night and go over them in my head which at the ripe old age of 58 seems ridiculous. I know there are those that say "MOVE ON" and I have but yet I find myself blaming my past for the way I feel today. Lately there's been this voice in my head saying "you have a right to your feelings" whereas before the voice was always "stop feeling sorry for yourself" So lately I've been trying to give up this idea of perfection cause I too was brought up by a perfectionist mom and whether she meant to or not instilled that in her children. I've always had a kind of defeatist attitude that if I can't be perfect or do it perfect why do it at all and now I've been realizing that it's kind of allowed me to not demand more of myself because if I can't be perfect why do anything.

I've also realized that to move forward I have to let my family go cause I'll always be frozen in time at age fifteen to them. No matter what I try to achieve they'll never recognize it or acknowledge it and I have to learn to let go of even caring whether they do or not. It's hard.

Gershun,

Oh gosh, I have felt those things. Perfectionist moms can screw us up.

Did you read Lealonnie’s posting? She went through the perfectionist mom too. Super perfectionist!

Don't get me wrong. I loved my mom dearly. I don't blame her for anything. Everything she did she did out of love. I strongly believe that. She brought all seven of us up by herself. I think she demanded so much of herself cause she did have to do it all on her own. Maybe she felt if she let up everything would come crashing down on her. Poor thing.

But be that as it may I'm now struggling to overcome that standard she set.

Gershun,

Yeah, they did what they had to do. Your mom was a survivor. That’s for sure!

We do love our moms. That doesn’t mean that we don’t later recognize things that effected us.

Our kids will most likely find flaws with our parenting. All parents make mistakes just like kids do. None of us are perfect. Not even perfectionist moms! Hahaha

Fortunately I don't have kids. Just two fur children and I don't expect them to be "Purrfect" :)

Fur babies are just like kids! They are so sweet. They really are family. All they want is love.

I have 2 adult sons and no grandchildren. But I do have 3 fur babies that I love so much!! 3 cats. They are like family!!

Gershun, frozen in time at age 15?? I feel for you. I’m frozen in time at age 5 with my mother. When I left the doctors office with her, I told her to wait where it was warm and I would pull the car around. As I am walking out the door she yells PUT YOUR HOOD UP!!! Just shoot me now I felt like saying.

Elaine, unfortunately fifteen is definitely not my favorite version of myself. Tall, self-conscious, glasses, acne. I didn't bloom into a butterfly but I've definitely come a long way since then but you wouldn't know it by how my sibs treat me. I'll always be that to them and when I'm around them I feel absolutely stifled by that.

Gershun,

Ditto for me with my sibs. They never showed any respect for me. Was so annoying!

Hi, I'm late to this conversation and haven't read the other responses. As an introvert I've always found telephone conversations difficult (apparently it's an introvert "thing") because you need to be ready to jump in whenever the phone rings no matter what you are doing and you don't get the same kind of cues from the other person as you do face to face. I think you might try sending little notes or thinking of you cards telling her the things you mentioned in your OP whenever the spirit moves you and don't try to have much more beyond that, you might even gift her with some pre stamped and addressed note cards so she can reply in the same way. Then screen your calls and don't answer unless your head is really in the right place to talk, and be prepared to end the conversation if it veers off into dangerous territory - my grandmother used to ring her own door bell to get rid of some callers ;)

cwille,

Good idea about the notes but also feel like my brother may intercept the mail. Unfortunately, he and I have issues. Don’t even know if he would give her anything that I mailed. He’s spiteful and a ‘know it all.’ He assumes crap. He’s always been a thorn in my side.

Yeah, the telephone conversations (only two short conversations, maybe five minutes) were very awkward.