I have finally cut ties with my mother and brother. It has been a long time coming.

Madge, you're doing the right thing cutting your selfish, dysfunctional family loose. Embrace your hubby's family as yours, and be happy that at least you have them. Tell your husband you're sorry that you have complained to him about this for the last 30 years and done nothing about it till now. And tell him how much you appreciate his listening to you, even tho his ears were probably bleeding. :) Oh!... and another thing...change your phone number. If your brother wants to contact you, he can email.

Bookworm, thank you, you are wonderful. I know, I will not be a "sludge", love that term.

I don't want anyone to think I am a pushover. That is the reason I am having so much trouble with my mom and brother. I refuse to accept their poor treatment. I have had a lot of time to think about this, my daughter is a lawyer and I know what I can and can not do. It is just hard to think you have to go this far with dysfunctional people. I guess you keep hoping they will "come around".

I am not kidding myself either. It is time to let it go. thanks again.

NancyH.....Ah e-mail. I tried to e-mail my brother for years. Just a hello, how is the son, how is life. No response. My husband sent him a few e-mails from work, he could tell by the program they use that the e-mails were opened and read. No response. I "complained" to my mom that he just never tries to have a relationship with his only sibling. Of course, she takes up for him. "He is just too busy and has to deal with computers at work (who doesn't) and doesn't want to sit on a computer at home. yada, yada, yada" However when he goes on a nice vacation, I get the photos. He got an I-Pad for Christmas. Send pictures of his new home (he has two and no he is not rich, just stupid).

So, you are right, if he wants me, he knows how to use e-mail, just doesn't want to. Too busy.

Being the scapegoat in a dysfunction family is hard. My dad always rewrote history right in front of your very eyes about my mother's nasty behavior toward me. I think being so in denial (his father evidently was an alcoholic who always was remorseful for drinking and embarassing my grandmother with his behavior but he was never mean to her and he did love her and my dad) he learned early on that it is disloyal to call it like it is. My mother is also a compulsive person, though not with drinking. She shops to excess, she lies to suit herself, she would definitely be a full bore hoarder if my dad didn't constantly find places to put her crap. She is NPD and really I believe hates me. But he wouldn't be able to handle that so he always tried to trivialize or explain crazy to me in some way that he thought would make be believe she was sane.
My brother is the golden child. His two kids have been getting Christmas gifts from me forever and a few years ago I called and said this is Aunt___, when I talked to the youngest of the two (he was 17). He said "Who? I didn't know I had an Aunt ___." That was the end of the presents! My parents have berated me to go visit him (he lives on the opposite coast) and they make excuses for why he is way to busy to do the same. On and on. When his wife was sick I sent her flowers. He responded to my efforts by writing me a pompous, ridiculously nasty email telling me that he didn't want a relationship with me because, among other things, we have "never gotten along, even way back to the time you threw sand on my head". This event was the subject of a home movie on the beach when I was 3 and he was about 8 months old!!! My mother has said so many nasty, horrible things about me to people she barely knows and I have at times met them, only to have them tell me later that "based on what your mother told me I didn't know what to expect. You aren't anything like that". (Like WHAT?). There have been times in my life that I hear how I am being written out of the will. My parents generate this with my siblings so that they will tell me (even though they aren't 'allowed to', it is leaked, like from the White House!) and it is constructed to warn me that if I don't fall in line I am out. There is a very valuable diamond ring that belonged to my grandmother who died 20 years ago. My dad called me to his office to tell me that she wanted me to have it but that he was going to give it to my mother and when SHE died then there 'are enough jewelry to go around". I was furious. Why tell me what she wanted and the violate it? I think to cleanse his conscience. Over the years my mother has said that she was 'going to have it reset', etc. Originally both my sisters, when they heard about what my dad told me and what she wanted, said that if she wanted me to have it then I should. Now both of them deny remembering those conversations and my mother at different times told each of them she wanted them to get it! At one point, she told one sister "I don't want ___(me) to have it". My grandmother and I were close and even though my mother I think basically didn't want a baby at 20, when she had me, she was jealous of the close relationship we had. Many times she blamed my grandmother for stealing me (not for helping her with a kid she didn't 'care' for). This is all such a mess. My siblings now remind me of salivating dogs at the prospect of my parents' stuff. So much pitting sibling against sibling has made me completely distance myself. I don't care if I have to eat dog food when I am old, I would never suck up for money! That is truly disgusting. Anyway, I won't have to. My husband and I have planned well. He's seen their act too and agrees that we don't want anything more to do with them. Yuck.

Oh my frustrated2, I see so many things in your story that are very much like mine. You father is an enabler, my mother was. My father was verbally abusive, but she never took up for me. Just played the victim. She managed all of the money so she was basically happy. After alot of reading about dysfunctional families, I realize they BOTH were narcissistic and relied on one another to function. My brother and I were just there, I was never really part of the picture. My brother, being a boy, was more valued in the tranditional southern family. Me, the girl, well I would marry someone and go away. Thank God I did and a man from a very fine family. From my husband, my children, and the years away from my crazy family, I have learned that things were and are still a bit dsyfunctional.

In many of the families I have read about on this site and much that I have read on my own, there are two people involved in a dysfunctional and abusive family. The perpetrator and the enabler, sometimes both are perpetrators. I would never let someone abuse my child and do nothing. But that is me.

Dad was so bad I never noticed how nutty mom was. Before Dad died my brother told me dad was not the one who would be trouble in old age, but mom. Boy was he right about that. So my mother, brother and I were given a daily dose of crazy. It stuck with mom and brother, not so much me.

As with my family, frustrated, you have to get rid of them. They are so toxic and will never, never, (did i mention never) change. I have been disappointed on many occasions thinking they would "see the light" or "change their ways". They don't, they are not wrong. I am. As my dear brother-in-law once told me, as a boy growing up in a very strict catholic family, there is the roast beef sandwich and there is the s#@t sandwich. You are supposed to pick the s@#t sandwich and smile. I like that. I am not fond of s#@t sandwiches, how about you? :)

Dysfunctional was our family's middle name. I had to separate myself from my dad a number of times in my life, some for similar reasons to yours, and each one truly did me good. The last time lasted about a year. I was heading out of the country, and felt this strong gut feeling to try to reconcile with him before going away. In my gut, I felt that I just didn't know how much longer he might have, and quite frankly thought about what it would be like if we were estranged and something happened to me on that trip.

So I asked my sister if she'd be willing to contact him for me, she did and we reconciled as though nothing ever happened. It was quite a relief. We still had strained times, but it was much better. I found a way to spend time with him, but not take his putting me down. I had gotten stronger so that it was easier to do.

A few years later, our dad was living in a nursing home and we both lived nearby. I had been visiting him regularly – spending evenings there just chatting or watching TV. One evening, my sister called to say that he was not doing well (he had pneumonia along with heart failure) and was being taken to the ER. After a thorough examination, the doctors wanted to put him right into hospice, but I said that I just wanted to give him one more chance. My sister finally agreed and so they admitted him. I basically lived in the hospital with him for the next week. My sister was much closer to him, but she couldn't be there (couldn't handle it).

During that week with him in the hospital, there were some amazing things that happened. In the middle of one night, we both looked up at each other because neither of us could sleep and he spoke to me so sweetly and with such love that I had never gotten from my dad. In those words I could hear his appreciation that I was by his side. He knew he didn't have long to go. He even asked me some very, very deep questions and I was able to answer, and he had a TOTAL and miraculous change of heart. This was all between me and my dad who would have never, ever have asked me a question or trusted me about anything (he very much favored my sister). It was miraculous that he was asking me anything at all. This was the best our relationship had ever been, and it was beyond wonderful for both of us.

My dad had entered the hospital on a Friday, and much of that healing between us took place early the following week. Then his physical body started to go downhill, and I had to make the decision to put him on hospice. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but he could no longer swallow, and I knew that I had to let him go. That Friday, while on hospice care in the hospital, he gently drifted away while I was holding his hands. I am beyond grateful for that time with my dad. It was strange to me that my sister couldn't be there in the hospital, but I understand that somehow, I was supposed to be there with him, that this was all meant to be. I could have never dreamt it would end that way. I have tears in my eyes as a I write this, not out of sadness so much as because of the beauty that unfolded. I had always wished for a good relationship with my dad, and right there in the hospital his last week of life, it changed into a beautiful loving relationship. I feel extremely blessed, and I know he felt that way too!

I do realize that not every relationship can have healing like this, and I honestly never thought it would happen for us. But it did, and I wanted to share that with you.

Madge1, I sincerely wish you and your family all the best during this season in life that is so challenging. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,
Helen

Not much, Madge! I read not long ago that the offspring of NPD mothers (and I am sure fathers too) are the ones who always end up in therapy, not the NPD's! So true. I was thinking about it (again, I have been before and truly did figure it out, at which time I did cut off my connection to them but due to other siblings being crazy too and saying "You can't change them (when I told them what I wasn't willing to put up with anymore) so don't even try!". I never wanted to change them and I said that, so I just needed to distance myself, which I told them, but it always ended up being a matter of cutting off my whole family and that was hard to do. In fact usually, when we were younger they all said they had learned from me to just 'go along' because they NEVER wanted to be treated the way I was! They all saw it. I say, "the older people get the more they become who they are". Everybody now is so ingrained in our roles in this nut case family and THAT is what will never change.
The really funny thing is when my mother lashes out at me she will say/write things like I am crazy and need mental help! Guess what? I am the ONLY family member who ever has gotten it and that's when - MOM! - I figured it all out. I always wondered why I married a guy (first one) so different than my dad. He was so WORSHIPFUL of my mother! Turns out, I married my mother! And I was my dad in that relationship. The counseling was something I had to have to figure out how to BE in a healthy relationship and not repeat the one I had been suffering in! And I accomplished that, thank God.
My dad is, as you say, also a perpetrator. He is and was as culpable as my mother. BOTH parents are supposed to protect their children and I was thrown to the wolves by my dad too. He is a smart man and when he takes on this "I'm stupid" thing, I want to smack him. Really.
My brothers and sisters have tried to make me feel guilty; 'they are just getting old'. Well, guess what? So are we. My husband is 61 and I'm 57. My mother, if she's like the rest of her family, will live to be 100. I am sure I won't. Only the good die young! Doesn't that sound callous? I guess I have developed a big callous. It is on my heart. Callouses are naturally occurring things made to protect you.
And you are right, I like roast beef. And not the other thing.

Frustrated2, I must say, the after reading these comments I feel better about my own situation. I have made the decision to disassociate with my mother. While my sanity is preserved, my health improved, and even my husband feeling such relief from stress, I still can't help feel badly that it ultimately came to this. I read some of the things you wrote about how you were treated and I can so relate. I was the 3rd baby and once when they were discussing breast-feeding my mother bragged about how she breast fed the first two, but when I came along she said she had no more milk. Of course, this seems silly to pine over when you are in your 60s, but it spoke volumes in other ways, it wasn't just milk she couldn't give, it was basic nurturing and love. I was a happy go-lucky little kid and this was a miserable, hateful woman who trusted no one and that even extended to me. Others used to say to me 'your mother is jealous of you' - well, having a daughter myself, that seemed incredulous. But reading your post, I can see from the barbs your mother threw at you, she too was out to knock you down any chance she got. I won't ever understand this kind of resentment from a mother, but I know what you are saying is true. And yes, now that all her needs are met in her assisted care facility, she has no use for me, and this is not only because I did not edify her, as you say, but because I refused to take her side against my sibling who I adore. Hateful, mean, scheming and manipulative and didn't mellow, even in her 90s. God forgive me if I have made a mistake here, but I pray every day that He will, if indeed I should have stuck it out and ignored the abuse.

It is all so heartbreaking! God bless each of you.

God bless all of us. I too, from a dysfunctional family. Not going to write about it tonight. What is meant to be will be but we cannot make it "be" single handedly.

I know we are all here to support each other and that we all feel so much in our hearts for those who are experiencing extreme duress in caring 24/7 for a parent, or parents. I pray so hard for so many on this site! Some of those caretakers may be thinking "the grass is sure greener on their side, who don't have to deal with this caretaking nightmare" but coming from a dysfunctional family and living with verbal and physical abuse most of your life means we also had "dues" to pay, all our lives, and paid them forward as children. Some pay their dues in the first part of their lives, and others when they are aging adults themselves. When your parents die, and you look back and say you have a happy and clear conscience, and good and fond memories of them, and you cared for them until the day they died and did it with love, you truly are blessed. We who have had an unhappy past that ultimately ends with the disassociation with the parent have none of those memories to cherish and most probably will even have to deal with more pain after they die, wondering what we might have done differently and yes, probably even guilt, even when we are not really guilty of anything at all. I am still waiting for that callous to form over my heart, because it isn't there yet, as you probably can easily see.

Punch no you should not have accepted her behaivor and she will have to give an accounting of her life one day-you would never been able to make her happy-and realizing that is freeing-I can accept my mother and I will never have a good relatonship and I know it is not my fault-reading the commets hear about dysfunctional families has really helped-your mother is narcissic and no one will be able to change her she is not unhappy with herself-she will blame others for her misery.

am hoping to get to where you are - "ain't" easy

Dianestory, Nothing worthwhile IS easy. Keep the faith.

I am going through the exact same thing and I have decided ENOUGH! IS ENOUGH! I no longer want to hear from anyone in my immediate family. I told them that I am done with their BS! and I do not want to hear from them and they will no longer hear from me and MAN IT FEELS GOOD! they are the most deceitful, insensitive bunch of phonies I have had such the displeasure of calling my family. I've moved on and I suggest that you should too. Life is too short to be hemming and hawing with family members that do not give one ioda about you.

im just not sure i agree with the amount of "dissassociate yourself" advice on this thread. i have two rather annoying sisters but mom is no longer around and i cant see any benefit in animosity with the sibs. i refused to let one sis get me ruffled lately and in fact apologised if i didnt manage things as well as i could have. i recieved a very civil apology back from her . you just cant walk away from everything in life that displeases you. im not terribly fond of my ex but in my heart i believe that shed care for me if i were ill or dying.
so no, i dont think alienating onesself is wise at all.

"Cutting off" one's family should not be a first step, or a step taken lightly. Good or bad, you only get one family. As long as they are alive, you will have the option of giving them one more chance. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a long "vacation" from them.

The best way for you to find peace is within yourself. Choose the company of people who are wise and kind. Avoid people who don't bring out the best in you. Search for Emjo's comments on detachment. Learn what they teach at Al Anon meetings. Your happiness doesn't depend on your circumstances. Blah blah blah. Easy to say, hard to do. But you will never get there unless you try.

Some families, however, are best "cut off." I trust your judgment.

They have a co-dependent relationship. You can't fix it and they don't want to.

Very wise advice from the capt. You have really mellowed, my computer friend. Sometimes it's best to just say that it is what it is and not worry about it. We can't change the things that people do or say, but we can choose to see them as unimportant. This doesn't mean slamming doors on them or shutting out their ideas. It is really more about confidence that we are doing okay and that some of our relatives can be total doodoo heads at times.

Is that diagnosis in the DSM - "Total DooDoo Headitis?" lol.