My Father in law moved in with us in Oct 2014. Lots of Health issues including Alzheimer's and Dementia; all which are in check for now. I believe it has been enough time from his home living with us and is ready for next step. He basically has his routine TV/Computer/Sleep/Repeat. Very rarely has visitors and never goes out except with us to appointments and dinner. I believe he is miserable, but He is my wife's DAD. She cannot even bear the thought of him moving, and this is putting pressure not only on us individually but as a couple. I could use guidance in how to approach this. She did agree that this situation was only temporary as we have a small house, only 1 bathroom so privacy is not there--ever. But again it is her DAD. any thoughts you can share? I don't want this to ruin my marriage but it feels like i am the 3rd wheel sometimes.
Move forward. You, your wife and your FIL deserve as full a life as you all can handle.
One thing that might help is to call facilities before touring them to find out when they're having activities that might interest him, especially the musical ones. There's a dynamic, a special feeling in the specific room, almost a sense of adrenalin rush, when the musicians come to play. It might encourage him to think more positively about a facilitiy.
Good luck, congratulations for being able to accomplish this change in approach, and please keep us updated. It's always encouraging when something works out for the best.
You do raise a good question, though, one with which many of the posters here, including myself, have battled. I don't know if there is a standard answer. Every party should have equal rights and treatment, but often with a parent who has dementia that ratio changes and becomes weighted in favor of the elder.
In an ideal world, we each would have the same level of rights, but it's had to balance that.
But theory doesn't answer your question. I've written before that I see these situations as graphs, in your case with your FIL's welfare represented by a diagonal line which is increasing, and yours represented by a decreasing diagonal line. The point at which they crossed has obviously been reached and your welfare is decreasing. So it is time to restore some balance.
I do think it's time for your FIL to move, especially since there's a lack of marital privacy. And yes, you do have a right to want to move on, as well as to have the benefits of your marriage restored to you without another party present all the time.
And I think you recognize that your wife is probably concerned with her father on an emotional and protective level that might be stronger at this time, because of his needs and not because of any diminution of concern for your. Her father's just in a worse place right now.
If you can focus on what's best for FIL, that might be a better approach. Then you're not putting yourself or your wife first, but rather your FIL. And he IS the one who needs care.
It also wouldn't hurt to do some research on Alz, as eventually it may become more than just desirable, it may become absolutely necessary. Starting that planning now would be wise.