I am new to caregiving and am caring for an elder that is demanding and is prone to a bad temper.

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I am new to caregiving and am caring for an elder that is demanding and is prone to a bad temper.

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Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.

My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.

In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.

She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.

I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.

Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)

I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.

This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.

She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."

She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.

I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.

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M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 1 · 2008-10-21T08:45:14.000-0400

Hi ladydi--I feel for you, but I'm glad that you are stronger and doing okay, I will pray for you. I too put up with verbal abuse from my mother, but I stand up to her and match her word for word, am I being too harsh, I don't think so, finally she stopped her nastiness right before I left to go home. the problem that we have is that my mother wants to outside help, no friends (because they talk behind your back) nor does she want to go to a seniors center, she blames her disability for not taking access, but she can get in and out of a compact car with no problem, she wants me or my brother to do it all.

Please continue to stand up for yourself Ladydi, you sound like a strong person and will be fine. please post again, mari

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 2 · 2008-10-20T17:11:35.000-0400

Lynn's suggestion is a good one, if you can get your mother to go. Senior centers can give people some peers to relate to. This won't cost much.

Day services (sometimes called senior day care) can be expensive, but usually you can choose how often they go. They often have a pickup bus, too. Both are options to look at so that you can get out more and have some time.

Mostly, you'll have to learn to stick up for yourself, and I know that's hard when you haven't been (that's my personality, too). In the end, though, we have to make the abusiveness stop. It's harder when you live together. You can't just walk out of the apartment, but you can leave the room.

Tell her you won't do what she wants until she can talk nicely to you. If she is getting (or has) dementia, then you need medical help. If it's her personality, it's ingrained in your relationship, and will be a struggle to wiggle out of. Please do keep coming back here to talk, and get help through adult social services if it gets too rough.
Carol

L Lynn Oct 2008 · Answer 3 · 2008-10-20T16:43:20.000-0400

If your mom is bored there are places you can take her. Like senior centers where they play games, excerse, talk, etc. This can be a good out for both of you. Try asking a social worker if there is a day care for mom. Some states/towns have these places.

S santababy266 Oct 2008 · Answer 4 · 2008-10-20T04:21:20.000-0400

Sorry you are going through this My Mom since moving in together in our own apartment her attitude has changed towards me and even more so now that I am a paid Caregiver through her Insurance Like You she doesn't like my husband and the feeling is mutual that is one of the reasons I am seperated but that is another story My Mom has trouble getting around but she can do things for herself but she doesn't Even when we lived in the house with my Husband she never did anything but sit for 14 hours a day watching TV which drove my Husband crazy She thinks now she has total control over me and hates it when he calls or comes over Part of it is jelosey the other she Hates him and never has anything nice to say I feel like a doormat She complains about everything Part of it I am hoping is Stress the other is she wants me to let go of my Husband and be Independent which I am trying to do But like you nothing I do is good enough for Her I am so glad I found this Web Site because I thought I was the only one going through this Sounds like you are right your Mom might need more Help then you can give and calling Her Doctor sounds like the right thing to do I hope the best for you Blessings Deborah

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 5 · 2008-10-18T09:56:49.000-0400

Wow! What a story. Thanks for your comments, Ladydi. This is a powerful testimony toward the caregiver not taking abuse.
Carol

L Ladydi Oct 2008 · Answer 6 · 2008-10-18T07:07:55.000-0400

I can't emphasize enough that "tough love" works! Everyone's comments about getting treated with respect and not accepting unacceptable behavior is the way to go. I only wish I realized it many years ago before I allowed myself to be treated that way. My situation has miraculously changed when I changed my attitude toward myself and my mother. I didn't mention in my first post that I had several nervious breakdowns and was even taken away "nude' in a straight jacket 20 years ago. As the years went on and I got better and better with the help of God and my doctors, I vowed never to let anyone treat me badly which could cause another episode. Today I am strong and have a loving relationship with mom who I hated all my life. She even tells me she loves me and I respond back with the same sentiment. It tooks us years to get here, but little by little, day by day if you change your behavior, your mother will change hers. And...if not, she'll have to get along with the best you can provide, not what she wants or she'll find herself alone, more and more.....try it, it just may work for you. God'sBlessings to all, ladydi

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 7 · 2008-10-16T12:04:06.000-0400

Yeah, I know. It really brings back memories. I coped with paranoia with my dad's (surgically induced) dementia, and my mother-in-law. It is really hard to distract them sometimes, and it's so wearing on you. She maybe would be better with some anxiety medication. The doctor appointment is next.

Take care,
Carol

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 8 · 2008-10-16T11:38:06.000-0400

Thanks again, Carol. I was telling her that the people on TV can't see her and that there are no kids in her yard or the one next door, but she got real angry and told me that I thought that I knew everything, she knows what she sees. I'll take your advice and distract her or change the subject. The paranoia goes on and on, its just so hard to deal with a lot of the times and my brother is in denial about it all.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 9 · 2008-10-16T10:56:43.000-0400

Go along with what you can - because if you fight her and tell her she's wrong - well you know where that gets you. But some things you just can't "agree" with.

But if you can distract her, she'll forget some of it. Paranoia is one of the hardest things to deal with, because you don't want her more scared by agreeing that the people on TV can see her, but she won't believe you if you say they can't. Getting her away to something else, when possible, is best. I know this is tough. I'd get her to see her doctor pronto.

Carol

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 10 · 2008-10-16T10:52:40.000-0400

Thanks for your help Carol, I guess without her knowing it, we should start with the PCP or the heart dr. Shes on blood pressure meds. and a diuretic and a heart pill, she started doing this about a year ago, it kind of stopped, now she started it again since shes been back home. She was saying this when she was on a different regime of meds. Yesterday was the worst, now she thinks that the people that are on TV can see her, I don't know what to say anymore.

Thanks again, it is good to hear someone else's opinion, especially someone who has dealt with a similar thing. Stay in touch

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 11 · 2008-10-16T10:40:22.000-0400

It sounds like my mother-in-law. Paranoia and seeing "kids" that weren't there and such. Yes, it's sounds like dementia. It could be mini-strokes and/or vascular dementia. It could be Alzheimer's. It's likely dementia, unless she is taking a medication that is doing this - that happens more often than people realize. She needs to be checked out by a qualified doctor. Don't tell her why - just say it's checkup time, maybe her bloodpressure meds need changing or something (could be true.)

Good luck with this and keep in touch.
Carol

K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 12 · 2008-10-16T08:41:05.000-0400

topaz that is very helpfull thant u so much.

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 13 · 2008-10-16T08:29:31.000-0400

Hi All--maybe someone can answer this question. My mother has a heart condition, shes on meds. and is somewhat better physically, but mentally is another story. She keeps saying that kids in her neighborhood were in her yard, and she yelled at them to leave, then she said one kid uses her neighbor's hose to get washed up because he sleeps in the neighbors driveway all night, she has this whole story worked out that these are foster kids and some elderly woman is responsible for them. Then there was another incident with the TV, she said the people on there can see her because they waved to her, she said it makes her feel funny, I tried telling her that the wave to the camera, and she then gets mad. Does this sound like dementia, a problem caused by the heart conditon or something else. Thanks.

T topaz Oct 2008 · Answer 14 · 2008-10-16T07:33:07.000-0400

Sorry to hear that your feelings got hurt. You will have to devlope a thick skin.
Maybe your mom is afaird of loosing you. I care for my mom. There greast fear is of being left alone. No matter how many times you may tell them differently. You may have heard the saying "Misery love company." I learned quickly to put myself in my moms place. A very hands on women who commanded our family now has her youngest child caring for her. Sure she would say things to me that hurt to the bone. First instinct was to react to what she said. Then I thought about how I would feel if I was her. The answer was scared. Talking with your doctor is a great idea. I know she doesn't want to talk to you but try asking her what is upsetting her. Plan a mother daughter day she can put on a calender. Make it all about her!
Maybe then she will share how she feels. Daughter's are daughters all of our lives. And our mother's like it that way.
I know it will all work out! Best of luck!

B BABYBOOMER Oct 2008 · Answer 15 · 2008-10-15T11:55:52.000-0400

The power of choice does make a difference.
My mom now feels less powerless.
Thanks for the insight.

K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 16 · 2008-10-15T08:54:00.000-0400

had a great one. he confrimed what i have told her that a trip would be great for her. so we are leaving tomorrow for 5 days. she wanted to her the dr. tell her it would be good for her. since he (dr) told her that she has not had to use her wheelchair or been complaining of hurting anywhere. god bless moms but lord bless caregivers too. lol ya'll have a great weekend and i will catch up with everyone when we get back. god bless and be safe.

R rbxk31a Oct 2008 · Answer 17 · 2008-10-14T19:56:28.000-0400

kyredhead12, hope your mom had a good dr.'s visit!

K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 18 · 2008-10-13T08:51:29.000-0400

yesterday mom and i had a great day.I was cleaning upstairs and she help. she was in a good mood and stayed up there with me for about 4 hours. Did not complain of hurting or nothing. Real good day. today is dr. day. Whoopie!!!!!!! lol god bless

R rbxk31a Oct 2008 · Answer 19 · 2008-10-13T07:34:42.000-0400

Thanks, Carol. The validation really helps. I try not to be bitter but it's hard sometimes. I know it comes through in my posts but I guess that's what venting is all about. Have a great day!

Valerie

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 20 · 2008-10-13T07:30:28.000-0400

You are a wise person. Giving choices to avoid confusion is great. And knowing what you can and cannot do is awesome. Often elders have great support where they live, even if it isn't close to us. If that's the case, remaining where they are can be the best choice.

Carol

R rbxk31a Oct 2008 · Answer 21 · 2008-10-13T07:24:37.000-0400

Lately I've come to two conclusions about caring for our elderly parents: First, one has to use "psychology" when trying to get them to do something you want them to do, especially when you know they don't want to do it. You have to present them with two acceptable choices for them to choose from. "Do you want chicken or fish for dinner," for example, when beef isn't an option. This makes life easier and is way better than arguing. The second thing is, you can't always count on family to help. That's just a given. Part of the reason that I haven't brought my mom to GA (besides the fact that she doesn't want to come) is that she has more of a support system Where she is in FL. I've got loads of cousins who live not too far from my mom but none of them even darkened her doorstep when she was in the hospital or rehab after her stroke or have visited her since. Only one of her friends comes regularly. I've simply accepted that people are the way they are and I've just got to deal with this on my own. When my mother was well, she was always visiting friends and family in the hospital or nursing home and regularly taking them plates of food. I see now what it means to store up your treasure in Heaven because your sure as heck don't get much of a return here on earth!!!

1 195Austin Oct 2008 · Answer 22 · 2008-10-12T12:00:14.000-0400

Divabelle
You need to keep standing up for yourself and letting her know it is not allright to treat you the way she has been-keep telling yourself you should be treated with respect-it was very hard to let others realize I am important and should be respected esp. and mostly the husband he is finally getting it.

K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 23 · 2008-10-11T14:23:22.000-0400

thank u so much. my mom is in chair but can walk with help. I have 4 older brothers and like u don't help i am the only girl and the baby of the bunch so to speak. i can relate to ur situation.

L Lynn Oct 2008 · Answer 24 · 2008-10-11T11:53:52.000-0400

Hi Divabella,

Like you my mother has tried to control me by making me feel bad about anything I do for myself. I could not keep my mother in my house nor live with her because of the word/mind controling hateful things she would say that hurt very deeply. Mother is in an nursing home, near by, where I control the visits and phone calls. If she gets ugly with me I leave. Mother is in a wheel chair and can walk if she has help but not by herself. I'm the only one in the family that will even try and take care of her. You must take control of your life and what is happening. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Terri

K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 25 · 2008-10-11T11:44:44.000-0400

around my area i would not put my mom or any family member their. I have worked in the assisted living industry here in western ky an i guess that is why. I have seen some stuff i wish on nobody's family member to go thru cause they (family) will probably never know what really happened to their parents or whoever it may be in the assisted living. It is great in some cases, if u can afford the cost and get a good place. In my case it is not an option.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 26 · 2008-10-11T08:11:46.000-0400

Assisted living is a wonderful option. Elders often fight it, but when they get in a community with peers, they make friends and learn to love it. The caregiver is still a vital part of life, but the whole load isn't on one person.

Cost and quality of services is a huge factor in assisted living. In my area, quality is anywhere from "good" to "When can I move in?" However, cost is factor, and with our health system, it's unfortunately harder to get help with assisted living costs than nursing homes, if the elder doesn't have a lot of assests.

Assisted living can cost less than a lot of hours of in-home, however.

Good to hear it's working so well for you.
Carol

R rbxk31a Oct 2008 · Answer 27 · 2008-10-11T07:37:48.000-0400

Hello all, has anyone considered assisted living for your parents? It's expensive but many states offer help provided your parents meet the eligibility criteria. I'm working through that now. My mom is 78 years old, has mild dementia, has poor balance and weakness after a stroke 8 months ago. I've practically gone broke paying for caregivers for her (I live in GA in she lives in FL). She's as mean as a snake at times to the ladies who I pay to take care of her. She's cussed out and chased away one caregiver. She gives the lady who picks her up to take her to church a hard time and cussed her out because the lady tried to make her use her walker (which she hates!) so she would have an easier time walking into the church building. When she was in rehab after her stroke, she cussed out her caregivers for trying to clean her up after a bathroom accident, accusing them of trying to "look" at her private parts!!! She refused to complete her in-home therapy which would have improved her strength and balance so now she walks like a toddler. When she visits me for extended periods, I can't even go to Walmart for more than an hour before she's calling me. I love my mother and want her to have as good a quality of life as I can give her but she has fought me tooth and nail along the way. I've decided that if she's going to act like an a**, she can do it in an assisted living facility where she can get more socialization and supervision. I'll visit monthly (instead of me doing the 5 hour one way biweekly drives), bring her to her home when I'm there and to my house in GA for extended periods from time to time. Phew! that was long! Good luck everyone, but do consider assisted living. There are some really good places out there and it is possible to get help with funding!

K kyredhead12 Oct 2008 · Answer 28 · 2008-10-10T12:15:04.000-0400

I am sorry u are in this situation too. I am there with u the only difference is I am 41 not married have one 23 yr old son. if i go out to dinner or something with a friend i hear about it when i get home. I don't ever do anything with my friends or go hardly any where with out my mom. I feel guilty when i do, i stay depressed and i am at the point where i don't want to get out with friends. This is bad but i really don't know what to do. I am open for any suggestions please.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Oct 2008 · Answer 29 · 2008-10-06T10:34:01.000-0400

It's important to know if this is a personality change or not. Often, it's just an increase of how the person treated you all of your life. Mari is so right that we need to stand up for ourselves. No one should suffer abuse, even if the person doing the abusing is ill. Changes have to be made, if that is happening, or you own health is in danger.
Carol

M Mari Oct 2008 · Answer 30 · 2008-10-06T09:27:00.000-0400

Hi Divabelle--My mother can be verbally abusive too, you need to stand up to her and not let her get away with it. My mother was mad because I told her that I was going home on Sun. because I had to go to work, she verbally attacked my husband, then me, she doesn't want to stay at my brothers all week and come home on weekends, nor does she want outside help in during the day and week. I don't think its fair to expect me to stay there every night, go to work, then go back, I'm married, have my own place to keep up too, you just have to be firm, I feel guilty because I get angry but my mother was doing this even before she got sick, stand up for yourself, you're doing the best that you can, you deserve a life and friends too.

I am new to caregiving and am caring for an elder that is demanding and is prone to a bad temper.

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