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Good Morning Barbees! You certainly have your share of heartship in yur life. I found when dealing with grief and tragedy, the only answer is spirituality. Believing there is a reason for everything and there is a life after death may help you get through your next heartship. I understand what you mean about Alzheimer's being a blessing. There were times I wished my dad had it when he was going through the pain of dying over a 3 year period. He was in hospice for over 1 1/2 years and was aware of everything going on around him. He had a coloseomy (I sure butchered that one) and also had to wear diapers. I watched his dignity being stripped away day after day. Whenever I tried to help change him, his lips disappeared and there was a stern look on his face. I knew he didn't want me to see him like that! I knownow, he hung on for the benefit of my mother, who would have been devastated if he died suddenly since they were married 58 years. She had a long time to adjust to the possibility and reacted much better than I thought when he passed.

I'm happy you feel better writing out your feelings for others to read and provide comments on. Seeing your plight and pain, might help other people deal with theirs. I am new to this site and have only replied a few times trying to help others, while helping myself. May God's Blessing be upon you and help you get through to a better place in your life. Ladydi
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Dear Barbees,

You have been through so much pain and its good to share it with wonderful caring people. I feel sorry for your many losses in life--God knows the reasons we do not. But my grandmother always said that God does not give us what we cannot handle. I know I often wondered about this myself but if thats the way it has to be then who am I to say different?

I am glad you had some relief writing down things--I did the same thing here and was so happy to find caring, interested people who have been through similar difficulities.

Hang in their and remember you are not alone!!

Alice
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Hi

Our family has been through almost the same thing. One of our son's at the age of 30, passed away. Both in-laws have passed on, my dad left us 2001 age 81, even though he lived a long life he suffered the last 2. I watch him go down. We lost a grandson in 2006 at the age of 14. Mother has parkinson's and now I'm taking care of her. I have had to move her from assisted living to a health care. There I see her going down faster. I can't be there all the time to help her do small things like make sure her make up is on right or that her teeth is brushed. She sits in her room and tells me she is bored. She can pull herself around very slowly in her wheelchair but then she gets so tired she doesn't always get back to her room. We are not very close I'm sad to say. I go and polish her nails and fill our her menu each week. We talk on the phone when she can talk loud enough to understand what she is saying. I get calls at 2am and 4am a lot. I'm glad I don't work. Sometimes I can't get back to sleep. She just calls me to ask what time is it. Then she holds the phone. I don't hang up but explain what time it is and she sometimes doesn't understand.

I too was told the God want give you more that you can handle. Let me say that now our son has lost his job (the family that lost the 14 yr. old) and are about to loose their home. I'm not sure what else can happen to our family but I'm not holding my breath. Just praying a lot.

Lynn
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This is barbees again, I'm venting again. After dad died mom got so she couldn't take care of herself. AT that time I was living in another town and my daughter,I have a girl and a boy, would go and check on her,one day she stopped by and mom had left the gas stove on with no flame. The house was full of gas fumes. Two weeks later she moved in. Then she called me and said that she couldn't handle mom,I moved in three weeks later. My brother who has the cancer and my little sister were not happy about it. They wanted to put mom in a home. Here I found out that when dad died they had a buyer for moms' house. We have lived in this place since 1960,this is the FAMILY HOME. So I knew that if anything were to happen they would throw me out in a heartbeat. So I bought the place .Now mom can stay as long as possible. Both my daughter and myself have worked in nursing homes and there is no way we will put mom in one.Then 2 years ago I had two disks fused in my lower back. My son moved in to help with things. So now there are as followed my mom, myself, my daughter,her two girls ( oldest has a 19 month old girl and her boyfriend who got kicked out of his mothers place because he wouldn't stick up for his mother's pot smoking around the baby) and my son who got busted for DUI and has lost his driving privelages. So there are 5 generations living here,it's good to have this website.It helps
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Hi Barbees,

So glad that you are still hanging in there. Try to keep smiling. Just to know that you are not out there by yourself helps. I do understand what you are going through. I have only told a small part of my story and so I completely nderstand. I will keep you in my prayers. The pull on the heart strings hurts sometimes. Trying to put up a front that everything is fine is hard. But to know that we all on this site share some kind of problems that we can relate to helps us to see things a little clearer.
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Hi Girls,

This is Alice and I just wanted to say that I am doing good today and I hope everyone else is also. I feel bad with just being tired with all that Lynn and Barbees have been through. Another thing I have heard before is their is always someone worse off then you and that is so true so I feel blessed. I will pray for you both and for your families. I know how hard these things are also. I guess its the way life is. But sometimes I wish things did not have to be so hard on people. For a long time I have very hard times and always wondered what was going on and then I changed myself to think positive and take care of myself and make my life happier and that works because I no longer feel like I am going through hard times except the things I put on myself.

And the biggest thing is the care of my father. He has been doing ok but for some insane reason I still feel bad because he is sad. I wish he was a happy person but I can't stand to see anyone unhappy expecially my father--its just I don't want to be responsible for everything in his life and I should not feel bad about that.

Anyway things are still good!! I hope everyone is good I am thinking about you all and thank you for hearing me~!!!!!

Alice
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Hello everyone! My name is Cindy and have been living with My Mother since May. I gave up a Full time,good paying job to take care of my Mother. She's 80, and well like most of the other comments I've read, If a spouse in involved it is very hard. My Husband is disabled and he needs my help also. Every 2 or 3 week's she doesn't like my Husband for some reason and constantly is saying nasty stuff about him, it is driving me Nut's. She always is saying he can do more for himself. I didn't claim him disabled the State of California did what make's her think he can do more? I'm very stressed and my Husband feels the tension I'm under. Any advise?
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She's probably jealous of the attention you give your husband and since you live with her she feels entitled. It's a tough situation. So often we do what seems right for everyone, but it leaves us vulnerable to abuse since if the elder is the person financially in charge, or if you live in their home, they can take advantage of that, even though you are carrying out your end of the agreement and then some.

Detaching from her comments and helping your husband do that too - not reacting but just walking away and saying you won't listen to that talk, should help some.

She needs to learn you and your husband won't be treated disrespectfully. It's amazing what they can learn if they think you'll make different arrangements and you aren't under their thumb.

Take care and keep in touch,
Carol
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dear CLL007--I can sympathize with your problem. When I stayed with my mother on weekends she also verbally attacked my husband. I think that they feel alone and lash out because of the frustration. Plus, they get jealous of the time that one spends with the husband, they don't care if the husband is disabled, its all about them, I guess its an age thing. I probably did the wrong thing by arguing back with with my mother instead of walking away, but I figured standing up to her will stop it, but unfortunately she still does it on a lesser basis.

Can you get help in so you can get a break?

Please write again and let us know whats happening. Mari
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Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to say that when my husband told my mother that that was enough and to shut-up she didn. It has been a long time now with little verble attacks.
When I would say that is enough she would like I said nothing at all.

But when my husband stood up for me she listened.

Lynn
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Diavbelalla, I as a professional care giver I often see these things happen to those who are the closest to the one sick, most often the children. As a care giver I drawn the conclusion it has to do with the fact our parents raised us and parents are most often closest to the children in most cases and therefore expect back what was gave to us as children. Often when our elder or sick parents act out withus it is because they are scared, realize they are sick and do not know what to do or afraid they will be abandoned with no one to be there. Some times thier medical conditions influance this or cause undesirable behaviors especialy when pain or other factors are involved. It is true you need time to yourself, time to have some life and get rest so you do not burn out or your health falls. It is not any thing your doing wrong, it may be she is angry at her conditions and often people vent to the ones closest to them because they know you will listen and expectations become high. Often people who have been independent all thier lives when they fall ill or sick, that changes thier out look because of not knowing maybe how to deal with it as thier independence has been altered. The thing is you will always love her and in the end she will know you love her and realize you did every thing you could to help her. The other thing is you need time to your self to to have a break. As others have said seeing the doctor can really help for starters and having other care sources on hand like a care giver to assist mom a few hours a day may help if mom is willing to accept that, some times that does not always help, but some times it does. Discussing the appropriate measures with your moms doctor will help you though and hopfully give you a sense of relief to retain some options to assist you and you mother in this time of need. I wish you the best. Take your needed time for a break and do not be discouraged as it is not your fault and really it is not your moms either, she needs medical attention.
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Hello,

I had finally told my father that I could not do everything any more over 10 days ago and guess what? He can actually do things for himself and remember things and drive and keep himself together all by himself. It took me seven years to finally burst and blow up and tell him I cannot do everything. I am so glad that I did that and wish I did it eariler. He is moving into his own place in 2 weeks and we went shopping for the first time since our little spat and he actually said thank you for things and acted very nicely. So I wish I said something eariler. Well I had said that I think I did him a mis-service by doing everything for him and now allowing him to grow himself and he actually told me today he is joining a group. I have asked him forever to do something like that and he is finally going out on his own so maybe if we did not let ourselves get so involved that they might do more for themselves.

I hope others can feel more confident in doing this as I finally had to before I completely lost my mind. Believe me you will feel much better. Take care of yourself first or you cannot take care of anyone else if you become sick.

Take care
Alice
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Good for you, Alice. It does sometimes happen that we do too much, and they let us. When they find out we won't, they realize they can do more. It's always a balancing act - how to help but not over-help.

This is an inspiring note.
Carol
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Dear Mari,
There no one close that can be here if I need to get away, I just go and worry the whole what is going on at home so I really don't enjoy being gone. I'm not sure how long I can deal with this. Thanks for listening.
CLL007
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Dear CLL007

I totally know your situation and the best thing is to vent here, it has helped me lots. I feel for you and not being able to get away but you have to care for yourself. Can you schedule a hair cut, massage, or something just for yourself that takes a hour or so for yourself?

These getaways are priceless and not to mention a great joy to your emotional health. Please take care of yourself first, it took me for my hair to be falling out, my mental health to be in jeoperdy, my weight to sky rocket to see what was happening to my self.

I am putting myself first now, I have 3 classes until I complete my BBA and am able to sit for my CPA. I am looking forward to a new career full of new rewards and travel. This is my time and I still have a father who I help but I put myself first now and he is learning to care for himself and he is joining social groups like I have been begging him to do forever.

So you see you must love yourself and care for yourself before you find yourself a mess and at the end of your list of important things to do. With the strength to do for myself I feel I can acomplish almost anything. I think if I did not tell my father how I felt about the situation I may not have had the confidence to start my new career for fear of everything.

Keep writing and you will find that you will start to feel a bit more relaxed.

Take Care--Alice
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Please do keep writing and talking. You'll find strength in numbers. Many of us feel stuck, but with enough talking and reading and communicating a light may pop on that says, "Yes, I can."

There is respite care available through many county and state agencies. Check with your adult human services (just go to your state Web site for a number). You'll have to actively look for some help, but it's out there - at least a little, for some time away from your responsibilities. RSVP has Senior Companions in many areas. They would be in your phone book (maybe under Retired Senior Volunteer Program).

Anyway, please keep in touch. That's the first step.
Carol
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Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to say hello and I am doing good. I hope everyone is taking time for themselves and not allowing ourselves to get overloaded. Things just have a way of getting really difficult all at once and we need to care for ourselves so that we can handle all we have to do.

Take Care..Alice
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Dear Alice:
I too do all the work on 1 1/2 acres plus all the house cleaning etc. and it is very hard. My husband is also disabiled and I Live with my Mother so I know what u are going through, get help if u can. If not just pray to God for the strength to do it. Good luck
CLL007(Cindy)
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Hi Cindy,

I have read your post and feel for you. Take care of yourself first that's what I have had to learn over the past 7 years, I just started to do this. I was almost at the breaking point when I had to say stop and I cannot do this anymore. I needed to look at myself and see what I have done to myself (gained weight, no longer kept myself up, and just looking horrible) and I have to now take care of myself and loose this weight and take care of my health and also my looks because no one will do it for us.....

So I feel for you I have been here too...Not many people can understand until they are in the shoes of someone like us who deals with things like this on a daily basis. God bless you and have a great day.

Take care......Alice
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Hi Alice,
Thank's for the advise because almost everything u said about taking care of your-self is exaclty what I'm going through. Last yr. I lost 80 lbs. and I have gained 1/2 of that back due to the stress, I eat when My Mother goes to bed because it is such a relief. I have been taking care of my Husband for almost 4 yrs. and we did alright but taking care of My Mom and him can be very stressful they both want my attention and some times it can be way too much. When I want to eat something at night instead I will get on-line and read your comment. Hang in there and we will chat soon.
We are blessed by God aren't we !!!!!
Cindy
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divabella, you are on the right course to seek medical advice on your Mom's worsening anger outbursts and to also continue living your own life. Doing all that you are doing to help your Mom is the very best that you can do. You can't look to her for praise, recognition, or thanks. Often times, that is just the way the caregiver relationship with a relative rolls when there are medical issues, including unbridled anger. You are doing the right thing in seeking to maintain the balance in your life and not allowing yourself to be manipulated by your Mom's tantrums. Am so proud of you!
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for 6 months i really thought i had lost my mind taking care of my mother-in-law, she also never is happy with anything i do and cannot think about the fact that i have given up my entire life for her. glad to know others are here
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There are many.

Your mother-in-law is probably afraid and not happy with herself. You are there and she's taking her frustrations out on you. Some people are just not nice to people, ever, but that isn't always the case when an elder seems impossible to please. Often, it's about them, not you. Still, it's hard to take. You aren't losing your mind, and you aren't alone. Keep checking back. We're with you.
Carol
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THANKS CAROL. HOW DO OTHERS DEal WITH WHAT I SEEM TO THINK IS A THANKLESS JOB. I LIVE IN HER HOME. I DO NOT GET ANY FINACIAL ASSISTANCE FFROM HER OR ANYONE, EVEN BOYFRIEND. SHE REALLY IS NOT MY MOM IN LAW WE JUST SAY THIS .PETER AND I ARE MARRIED IN HEART. NOT LEGAL. SHE HAS MONEY AND DOES PAY HOUSEHOLDD BILLS, BUT ALWAYS IS UPSET IF A computer is on OR DO LAUNDRY, OR RUNNING WATER TO DO DISHES. IM ALWAYS BEING EXTRAVAGENT, WHEN IN TURN I HAVE NOT LEFT THIS HOUSE FOR MORE THEN 10 MIN IN 4 WEEKS. HELP...
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Hi Everyone,

Believe me we are not alone at all. Just here makes me feel like someone understands what is going on. This is a thankless job but look we have everyone here to let us know how wonderful we are and how much work we do and to validate out craziness that goes on.

I feel for all of us--I do notice that their are not many men I think because they could not handle the responsibility.

CLL007--I have a sick husband also. He has been sick with cancer for a year and a half and the attention between my dad and him is just like 2 children. When he was going through kemo I thought I would die of stress because my dad was sick at the same time. It is so hard to be their for 2 people who want all your attention just like children. My husband now wants me to totally ignore my father, yeah right like he is ever going to be out of my life. I know he has taken advantage but he is my father and I love him and worry about him. So anyway, my hubby is better for now and feeling stronger so I am happy about that--the only thing I notice is that men even when they are sick still run their mouths!! That never seems to go away!!! (Just kidding-now we love them)

Well girls I have class tonight--yes class like my life is not full enough. So have a good night and talk to you soon. By the way in 6 days and counting I am going to Las Vegas for a week. I am going to relax and relax and read oh yeah and maybe gamble a bit!!

Take Care
Alice
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Alice
Kick back and relax on your vac- I hope it is with friends and not family. What class are you taking. Our new aide started today and it looks good he works many hrs and also goes to college.
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Just love them ,they sometimes may say or do things they really don't mean. Sometimes it may be to the medicine they are taking or they just are so lonely, and they don't know how else to get the attention that they need. Just sit down and talk with them sometimes helps. Don't let anybody take your joy, let them know you love them but they will not take your joy. God also loves you so ask him to help and he will.
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Regarding how to deal with a thankless job, appreciation is what I feel as opposed to what I expect as a caregiver to my Mom. Mom and Dad gave me their best and made my life comfortable when I was a child and vulnerable. It is the least I could do as an adult is my personal viewpoint.
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Dear Sunshine
I can relate to that.
I know now what the saying (what goes around comes around) means
I tell people that I put mom through h_ _ _ when I was young and now it's my turn.
But you know what, at least I know that mom is safe and asleep upstairs in her
own bed.
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barbees you made me feel right when i awoke and saw the comment, atleast shes in her own bed. i geuss yesterday i was feeling alot of resentment, but today i will try to realize getting older and immobile has got to be 100 times harder then being the one watching thank you all for being here. what a life savor this site is.
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