Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.
My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.
In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.
She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.
I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.
Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)
I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.
This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.
She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."
She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.
I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.
I'm happy you feel better writing out your feelings for others to read and provide comments on. Seeing your plight and pain, might help other people deal with theirs. I am new to this site and have only replied a few times trying to help others, while helping myself. May God's Blessing be upon you and help you get through to a better place in your life. Ladydi
You have been through so much pain and its good to share it with wonderful caring people. I feel sorry for your many losses in life--God knows the reasons we do not. But my grandmother always said that God does not give us what we cannot handle. I know I often wondered about this myself but if thats the way it has to be then who am I to say different?
I am glad you had some relief writing down things--I did the same thing here and was so happy to find caring, interested people who have been through similar difficulities.
Hang in their and remember you are not alone!!
Alice
Our family has been through almost the same thing. One of our son's at the age of 30, passed away. Both in-laws have passed on, my dad left us 2001 age 81, even though he lived a long life he suffered the last 2. I watch him go down. We lost a grandson in 2006 at the age of 14. Mother has parkinson's and now I'm taking care of her. I have had to move her from assisted living to a health care. There I see her going down faster. I can't be there all the time to help her do small things like make sure her make up is on right or that her teeth is brushed. She sits in her room and tells me she is bored. She can pull herself around very slowly in her wheelchair but then she gets so tired she doesn't always get back to her room. We are not very close I'm sad to say. I go and polish her nails and fill our her menu each week. We talk on the phone when she can talk loud enough to understand what she is saying. I get calls at 2am and 4am a lot. I'm glad I don't work. Sometimes I can't get back to sleep. She just calls me to ask what time is it. Then she holds the phone. I don't hang up but explain what time it is and she sometimes doesn't understand.
I too was told the God want give you more that you can handle. Let me say that now our son has lost his job (the family that lost the 14 yr. old) and are about to loose their home. I'm not sure what else can happen to our family but I'm not holding my breath. Just praying a lot.
Lynn
So glad that you are still hanging in there. Try to keep smiling. Just to know that you are not out there by yourself helps. I do understand what you are going through. I have only told a small part of my story and so I completely nderstand. I will keep you in my prayers. The pull on the heart strings hurts sometimes. Trying to put up a front that everything is fine is hard. But to know that we all on this site share some kind of problems that we can relate to helps us to see things a little clearer.
This is Alice and I just wanted to say that I am doing good today and I hope everyone else is also. I feel bad with just being tired with all that Lynn and Barbees have been through. Another thing I have heard before is their is always someone worse off then you and that is so true so I feel blessed. I will pray for you both and for your families. I know how hard these things are also. I guess its the way life is. But sometimes I wish things did not have to be so hard on people. For a long time I have very hard times and always wondered what was going on and then I changed myself to think positive and take care of myself and make my life happier and that works because I no longer feel like I am going through hard times except the things I put on myself.
And the biggest thing is the care of my father. He has been doing ok but for some insane reason I still feel bad because he is sad. I wish he was a happy person but I can't stand to see anyone unhappy expecially my father--its just I don't want to be responsible for everything in his life and I should not feel bad about that.
Anyway things are still good!! I hope everyone is good I am thinking about you all and thank you for hearing me~!!!!!
Alice
Detaching from her comments and helping your husband do that too - not reacting but just walking away and saying you won't listen to that talk, should help some.
She needs to learn you and your husband won't be treated disrespectfully. It's amazing what they can learn if they think you'll make different arrangements and you aren't under their thumb.
Take care and keep in touch,
Carol
Can you get help in so you can get a break?
Please write again and let us know whats happening. Mari
Just wanted to say that when my husband told my mother that that was enough and to shut-up she didn. It has been a long time now with little verble attacks.
When I would say that is enough she would like I said nothing at all.
But when my husband stood up for me she listened.
Lynn
I had finally told my father that I could not do everything any more over 10 days ago and guess what? He can actually do things for himself and remember things and drive and keep himself together all by himself. It took me seven years to finally burst and blow up and tell him I cannot do everything. I am so glad that I did that and wish I did it eariler. He is moving into his own place in 2 weeks and we went shopping for the first time since our little spat and he actually said thank you for things and acted very nicely. So I wish I said something eariler. Well I had said that I think I did him a mis-service by doing everything for him and now allowing him to grow himself and he actually told me today he is joining a group. I have asked him forever to do something like that and he is finally going out on his own so maybe if we did not let ourselves get so involved that they might do more for themselves.
I hope others can feel more confident in doing this as I finally had to before I completely lost my mind. Believe me you will feel much better. Take care of yourself first or you cannot take care of anyone else if you become sick.
Take care
Alice
This is an inspiring note.
Carol
There no one close that can be here if I need to get away, I just go and worry the whole what is going on at home so I really don't enjoy being gone. I'm not sure how long I can deal with this. Thanks for listening.
CLL007
I totally know your situation and the best thing is to vent here, it has helped me lots. I feel for you and not being able to get away but you have to care for yourself. Can you schedule a hair cut, massage, or something just for yourself that takes a hour or so for yourself?
These getaways are priceless and not to mention a great joy to your emotional health. Please take care of yourself first, it took me for my hair to be falling out, my mental health to be in jeoperdy, my weight to sky rocket to see what was happening to my self.
I am putting myself first now, I have 3 classes until I complete my BBA and am able to sit for my CPA. I am looking forward to a new career full of new rewards and travel. This is my time and I still have a father who I help but I put myself first now and he is learning to care for himself and he is joining social groups like I have been begging him to do forever.
So you see you must love yourself and care for yourself before you find yourself a mess and at the end of your list of important things to do. With the strength to do for myself I feel I can acomplish almost anything. I think if I did not tell my father how I felt about the situation I may not have had the confidence to start my new career for fear of everything.
Keep writing and you will find that you will start to feel a bit more relaxed.
Take Care--Alice
There is respite care available through many county and state agencies. Check with your adult human services (just go to your state Web site for a number). You'll have to actively look for some help, but it's out there - at least a little, for some time away from your responsibilities. RSVP has Senior Companions in many areas. They would be in your phone book (maybe under Retired Senior Volunteer Program).
Anyway, please keep in touch. That's the first step.
Carol
I just wanted to say hello and I am doing good. I hope everyone is taking time for themselves and not allowing ourselves to get overloaded. Things just have a way of getting really difficult all at once and we need to care for ourselves so that we can handle all we have to do.
Take Care..Alice
I too do all the work on 1 1/2 acres plus all the house cleaning etc. and it is very hard. My husband is also disabiled and I Live with my Mother so I know what u are going through, get help if u can. If not just pray to God for the strength to do it. Good luck
CLL007(Cindy)
I have read your post and feel for you. Take care of yourself first that's what I have had to learn over the past 7 years, I just started to do this. I was almost at the breaking point when I had to say stop and I cannot do this anymore. I needed to look at myself and see what I have done to myself (gained weight, no longer kept myself up, and just looking horrible) and I have to now take care of myself and loose this weight and take care of my health and also my looks because no one will do it for us.....
So I feel for you I have been here too...Not many people can understand until they are in the shoes of someone like us who deals with things like this on a daily basis. God bless you and have a great day.
Take care......Alice
Thank's for the advise because almost everything u said about taking care of your-self is exaclty what I'm going through. Last yr. I lost 80 lbs. and I have gained 1/2 of that back due to the stress, I eat when My Mother goes to bed because it is such a relief. I have been taking care of my Husband for almost 4 yrs. and we did alright but taking care of My Mom and him can be very stressful they both want my attention and some times it can be way too much. When I want to eat something at night instead I will get on-line and read your comment. Hang in there and we will chat soon.
We are blessed by God aren't we !!!!!
Cindy
Your mother-in-law is probably afraid and not happy with herself. You are there and she's taking her frustrations out on you. Some people are just not nice to people, ever, but that isn't always the case when an elder seems impossible to please. Often, it's about them, not you. Still, it's hard to take. You aren't losing your mind, and you aren't alone. Keep checking back. We're with you.
Carol
Believe me we are not alone at all. Just here makes me feel like someone understands what is going on. This is a thankless job but look we have everyone here to let us know how wonderful we are and how much work we do and to validate out craziness that goes on.
I feel for all of us--I do notice that their are not many men I think because they could not handle the responsibility.
CLL007--I have a sick husband also. He has been sick with cancer for a year and a half and the attention between my dad and him is just like 2 children. When he was going through kemo I thought I would die of stress because my dad was sick at the same time. It is so hard to be their for 2 people who want all your attention just like children. My husband now wants me to totally ignore my father, yeah right like he is ever going to be out of my life. I know he has taken advantage but he is my father and I love him and worry about him. So anyway, my hubby is better for now and feeling stronger so I am happy about that--the only thing I notice is that men even when they are sick still run their mouths!! That never seems to go away!!! (Just kidding-now we love them)
Well girls I have class tonight--yes class like my life is not full enough. So have a good night and talk to you soon. By the way in 6 days and counting I am going to Las Vegas for a week. I am going to relax and relax and read oh yeah and maybe gamble a bit!!
Take Care
Alice
Kick back and relax on your vac- I hope it is with friends and not family. What class are you taking. Our new aide started today and it looks good he works many hrs and also goes to college.
I can relate to that.
I know now what the saying (what goes around comes around) means
I tell people that I put mom through h_ _ _ when I was young and now it's my turn.
But you know what, at least I know that mom is safe and asleep upstairs in her
own bed.