2 yrs ago my husband, myself and our 2 small children moved in with my mother. We did this because she had taken a walk and was lost for about 5 hrs. It was nothing short of a miracle that we found her. My mother was dx as entering into the last stages of alzheimers and she has temporal and frontal dementia (which means she has trouble communicating and often cannot understand us). Communication is very frustrating. For the most part things go well at our home, but at times there is stress. About once every one to two months I usually have a melt down. I just go crazy. I yell and scream usually over something my mother has done that she can't help. The stress of caring for my mother who is not able to do even the simplest of things and having 2 small children is sometimes overwhelming. Yesterday, my mother came home from the adult day dare (she attends 5 days a week) and was not feeling well. I told her I loved her got some meds to help and suggested she lay down. She was not herself at all. This morning she woke up late, not the norm. Slept almost all day, not the norm. Did not want to eat, not the norm. Could not understand me and could not communicate what was wrong. I did not know if I should take her to the doctor?? I struggled throughout the day to get her to stay awake and eat a little. We finally had her go to bed around 9:00 p.m.. At midnight I heard a big bang. I ran into my mother's room to find her lost in her bathroom in the shower. I asked her if she was wanting to take a shower and she said, "yes". Well, I was mad. I did not want to give my mother a shower at midnight. I was yelling and because she could not understand me had to physically turn her and give her a full shower. She normally is able to help a little, but not tonight. I was not abusive, but I was not gentle either. I was mad. I was angry. Now I feel guilty. I know it's not her fault. I know it's the alzheimers, but it just doesn't make caring for her any easier. Not only does it break my heart that I treated someone I love with my whole heart this way, but my kids and husband are seeing someone that just isn't me. I'm normally a fun, kind and loving person. You know the kind that would go the extra mile. I moved in with my mother to keep her from going into a nursing home because I love her and feel I can give her better care and there is not question about that. But, when I act this way . . . I'm not sure. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Any words of encouragement out there? Any help out there?
My mom did not want to go to the daycare when I first took her. When I dropped her off she gave me this childlike look . . . like I was releasing her to the wolves or something. I cried all the way home and felt of course guilt. She fought me every day. Then it got a little better. She didn't fight with me much, but her silence let me know she wasn't real thrilled. Then after about a year of taking her to and from the daycare we signed her up for the ACT bus to pick her up and bring her home. I don't know if it was a sense of being independent . . . of doing something without me, but she started to love going and went from 3 half days to now going 5 full days a week. It's great and has kept me a little more at ease.
You have good and bad nursing homes. KelleyBean -- When it gets too much, when your risking your health and well being -- it is something you may need to consider. You can still see her everyday, give her baths, feed her, spend time with her . . . However, she will not get the care at a nursing home that you give her. I have seen some really good nursing homes and some not so good. I decided that I would care for my mom until she becomes mean or abusive, especially to my kids, or too much that I can't hadle it any more. I don't think my mother in her right mind would want me to sacrifice my health or happiness. However, I promised my dad I would care for my mom as long as I could and I am. And like most everyone else, we take one day at a time and do our best. Some days are really good, some okay and some not so good, but I do my best. I'm a little worried about you because I know you said you do not get much sleep. Your mother would not want that. Do your best . . . do what you can, try to be creative, but at the end of the day do what's best for you and don't feel guilty. You have been an outstanding daughter and have done more for your mom than most. I am not looking forward to the day I can no longer care for my mom, but I know it will come. My prayer is that God take her before that day comes. However, only time will tell.
My mom was hospitalized when we first moved in with her because she got into some of my meds. When she went into the hospital I thought I had stepped into a hospital for the insane. My mother did not want to keep her clothes on. She was pulling at the sheets. When I asked her what she was doing, she said laundry. She was in a room with three other people and a nurse sat in the middle of the four beds. It was crazy. My mother didn't know who I was, who she was, nothing. Everytime I think about putting her in a nursing home I visualize that time and just can't do it. I know once she it out of her home, away from all the things she is familiar with, I will lose what little I have of her. So, I continue. However, I have 2 kids who need their mommy too. So, if for some reason I can't care for her . . . or she become abusive to my family . . . then I hope I can feel good that I did my best and hope that the hands I place her in will take care of her. I will be around to try to make sure of that though. Sorry that my messages are so long. I guess it's kind of like taking the cork out of the bottle . . . it just kind of pours out.
Well, I took my mother to the doctor on Tuesday. Her doctor and I both thought she was shutting down. She could not keep her eyes open for more than a few seconds. She would not eat or drink and you could hear the congestion in her chest. The doctor told me that she could not even hear the air moving in her lungs. I thought this is it. She is shutting down. Part of me wanted to hold on and say mom, it's not time to go yet. This is too soon. Another part of me Said "God thy will be done". It would be better for her to leave now then what is in store for her if she hangs on. The doctor ordered some tests and she was treated for pneumonia. We gave her the meds . . . the next day it was like a new person had woken up. There was a smile on my mothers face and she was sooo sweet. She did everything I asked and was talking more than normal and I could understand what she was saying. My mother has frontal and temporal dementia which effects her speech and ability to understand. All of a sudden this joy welled in my heart and I remembered what a sweet woman my mother was. That she was not at all this person she has become. Don't get me wrong my mother is sweet, but there was a smile a sparkle in her eye that I haven't seen in a while. Anyway, my mother is doing much better and for now I feel a little rejuvinated (sp?). Today, there was a few time that she slipped into her irritating self, but for the whole . . . it's been so much better.
To all of you out there . . . hang in there. Your parents are so lucky to have angels like you guarding over them. We protect them and stand up for them . . . even at the risk of upsetting our families. There are no words of appreciation spoken . . . just a lot of people who think they know what your going through. I told one of my mothers doctors -- you can read all the books you want about a given disease, but living with it is a whole other ball game. For all of you out there doing it alone . . . all I can say is God Bless You All.
I am a very very compassionate person but I have learn over the years not to let those I care for abuse me in any way shape or form. Knowledge is the key to Care giving.
Love for yourself concord's all.
Blessings to each and everyone of you very loving caregivers.
if you ever think about placing...u should use this company i used last: yourseniorcare they were solid in helping me find a great place for my dad!
Hang in there...hopefully things will get easier!!!
But what your doing is amazing!!!!!!
I use to be the peacekeeper of the family, but of late, my sister has been doing a better job of it.
Im the really nice guy, and the stress of caring for dad when he does things he can't help pushes me over the edge, and I yell, and I'm less gentle. Than I too feel guilty about it, and he tells on me, which certainly doesn't help matters.
I'm doing what I do, to keep him out of a nursing home, though these damn therapists want to put him in it. They say that I am supposed to help him when they aren't here with his exercises. Thing is, I've been dealing with him for 24 hours, some of it is just on call, and I honestly just look for ways to avoid him, so I can have some alone time.
I don't really feel guilty about that.....I was not aware when I took up the role of his cook, cleaner, dresser, go getter, caller, and medicator; also meant that 4 times daily I am to spend a half hour doing therapy on him. Which may not seem like a lot, but those other chores, plus watching him to make sure he don't do something that will hurt him, really eats up a lot of time.
but today starts a new day. the rain has stopped and the sun is shining brightly(sort of, if you happen to get up as early as i did). were off to have a test done at the hospital.
and we will all get through another day right?
it sounds like your husband could use a good dose of support too! I already like him! "but often gets upset at the fact that he cares more for my mom than some of her children" then love her even more!! you 2 are teaching your kids a very valuble lesson in life. a hard lesson, but one that will enhance all that they are. or all of you are. no one knows the right thing to do ALL the time. but each night when our moms lay down to sleep and we all breath a sigh of relief and hope for a somewhat quiet night, we know that we did the best we could and smile that there was one more day that everyone made it through. you and your husband should be so proud of yourselves. a very good quote here, " you're shaping the future" youre kids dont understand now, but they will. and you will too.
your moms "not the norm" is my moms norm. abnormal sleeping and eating IS a part of dementia. my mom just got out of the shower and its almost 3am here! They do not realize "the inconveniences" that we go through at times. No its not their fault. i sometimes have to just talk so gentle and say "oooo its way too early for that.. its night time!" and gently coax her back to bed.. hard sometimes when i grit my teeth the entire time.
If it is a sudden "not the norm" then yes definitely go to a doctor! Is he a specialist in dementia?
hate to mention, but what is your husbands role? does he also help out? maybe he feels the same way. instead of yelling at mom ask if he can be a sounding board. first time i took care of my mom when she had a foot amputated i had a friend that would just sit there and let me yell. didnt have to comment or even look at me.. continue what youre doing! and id go for it!
Hope all goes well tomorrow at the doctors. And please dont forget you arent alone and very much welcome here to vent and rant to us also.